Married Ever After #08 Principle 12

Ali Hammuda


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The importance of marriage and relationships between Muslims and their counterparts is emphasized in these segments. The principles include finding a balance between men and women, finding a sexual partner, finding a sexual partner who is not a good one, and finding a partner in a relationship. The importance of finding a partner in a relationship is also emphasized, as well as the need for a believer to manage one's struggles and finding a partner in a relationship. The importance of finding a partner in a relationship is also emphasized, as well as managing relationships properly. The segment emphasizes the importance of avoiding negative language and making concessions, and the need to change one's behavior to avoid negative consequences.

Transcript ©

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Welcome dear brothers and sisters to session number eight from our series titled buried after

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handler the weeks are flying by we're finding ourselves nearing the latter end of the study not too long from now we're going to be a bidding farewell to the series entirely. And then discussing what's next with you in sha Allah will involve you in that discussion.

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So, we are still in the thick of the principles pertaining to problems when they start arising in a family.

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So that means the first and second batch of principles are done, and we're left now with the third batch that we're covering, and one more in this quadrant and then inshallah Tada that will be the end of this series. So we're still covering the principles from the Quran that deal with problems as in when they begin arising between husband and wife.

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This principle this evening is principle number one brothers.

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Principle 12. Correct. And this is the principle from Surah two Nissar chapter four of the Quran, where Allah Jalla Jalla Allah who said was Soheil

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reconciliation is best.

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Or if you wish to translate it, you can say making a settlement is best in our dialect, in our language today, you would say something like making a peace treaty is best what sort of higher reconciliation is the best Allah subhanaw taala said

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and this verse has appeared in the context of marriage

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and you will find that in the Quran, and the Sunnah, there is a heavy emphasis to make reconciliation between disputing Muslims wherever possible. In most scenarios and spanning across all departments of life, if there is a glimmer of opportunity, if there is a spark of hope. The Muslims are encouraged to bring those two parties together and amend their relationship that is the essence of the default.

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You will find that Allah subhanaw taala he said, generally, praising those Muslims who play a role in bringing Muslims hearts together, he said

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The higher a fika theory means

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there is no good

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in much of their secret conversations

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in Amara be sadaqa except those who instruct people to give charity

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Oh my roof, or goodness, how is sly him Manan or the instruct people to come together to reconcile? Then Allah says promisingly what made you fall VALIC? Whoever does so abt ha Amaravati la seeking the pleasure of Allah, what is the reward?

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For sofern ot he agilon Halima, we will give this person a huge reward. That is those individuals who are playing a role and reconciling between people who have disputed and amending their relationship. In fact, even in the context of Muslims, who are embattled Muslims who are at war with one another, the priority again, is to reconcile between them even if it means that a physical intervention is required. Allah Jalla Jalla who said, for Imbaba, that Homer, Allah and okra, if one group of Muslims transgresses over another what should you do as an authority

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for God to let you typically find that group of Muslims that is oppressing hypertrophy or Isla amarilla until it comes back to the command of Allah? For In fact, if it does come back to the command of Allah, for Asli holder, you know, whom Abdullah Hadley then reconcile between those two Muslims who are fighting with one another injustice, what is their hope is I can look at and what actually to be just Allah said in Allah how you have one more city and Allah Almighty loves those who are just so even when we are talking about Muslims who are at war with one another Allah agenda, Julian who who will instruct a group of Muslims the authority to fight the oppressive group, and

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then when they stop fighting and committing injustice, the priority is to bring their hearts together to reconcile Allahu Akbar.

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And in the context of distributing the spoils of war, when the companions of the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam disputed with one another, and they find out how are the spoils of war to be distributed? And no Quran was revealed up until this point, demarcating how the spoils are to be given out to the Warriors.

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They fell out and there was a debate between the Sahaba

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so Allah Jalla Jalla Allah who revealed verses from which stored on my brothers addressing this

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from Surah Anfangs chapter eight of the Quran. And what is amazing is that the first verse, second verse, third verse have nothing to do with the question of the companions about how to distribute the spoils.

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How do we distribute the spoils? Look at area number one from Surah Al Infeld. Yes Aluna Canyon and thirdly they ask you about the spoils. Call it and thirdly LINDA What Rasul say to them the spoils belong to Allah and his messenger for duckula. So be fearful of Allah wa Slee, how they're to be nickel, and reconcile your relationships with one another. And then your broken relationships with one another. Allah says to the Sahaba

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were ugly Hola, hola rasool Allah who obey Allah and His Messenger in contempt, meaning if you are believers.

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And then the first is continue. Notice how the very first verse from Surah tool and file that is addressing their question about how the spoils are to be distributed, has nothing to do with how the spoils are to be distributed.

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But it shifts the attention on to something else, which is what come together, reconcile and mend your broken relationship. And the verses continue speaking about the characteristics of the believers, how they behave when the Quran is recited their relationship with one another, Allah has favor upon those Sahaba when they were at war with each other. And then when you get to area 40, from Surah, to inside Iowa at 40, Allah subhanho wa Taala addresses their question of how the spoils are to be what are to be distributed to show you the emphasis of the Sharia is always in every walk of life, wherever possible to bring the hearts of Muslims together when they have fallen out.

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And all of this is a prelude. It's an introduction that build up to what I want to say to you now. That even in the context of marriage, the priority where ever possible, contrary to what the narrative of modernity is pushing

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is to bring the hearts of husband and wife together, to save the marriage and to keep it alive as much as possible and wherever possible, and to avoid divorce as much as humanly possible.

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And that's why Allah Almighty said in reverse that we are studying now let me give you the entire area from Surah to Nisa, Allah said we're anymore or two and a half admin Valley handle shoes and Arabba If a wife fears some ill behavior or abandonment from her husband

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Phalguna highly Hema are usually harder in Houma salah, than they should not be blamed if they decide to make a settlement between them

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was so high yield and reconciliation is best Allah set that is best. And then Allah says what what earlier it will enforce the show. Greed is always present in the mind of man. I will speak to you about this latter part of the ayah in a moment, and its relevance with our discussion.

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So what does this aI mean that if a woman fears ill conduct from her husband or some sort of desertion, abandonment, then they should not be held to blame if they make a settlement and making a settlement is best reconciliation is best Allah says scholars of Tafseer have said that this is a scenario where her husband has for one reason or another turned away from her. Maybe he's lost interest, his behavior is not ideal.

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If in that scenario,

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they decide between themselves that we're going to keep the marriage alive, which will come at the cost of some of the rights of the wife. If they make that type of agreement, then it should not be held against them Fela Juna Haley Hema to make that type of settlement. Then Allah said well Sohail making a settlement is best. Ie doing that, ie one of the two parties, forgoing some of their rights in order to keep their relationship going to not break up a family that is better than the outcome of divorce.

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An hour Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam exemplified the ethos and the atmosphere and the spirit of this idea so much in his life, wherever he found couples who are disputing he would go and he will try to keep them together.

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And even before he did that, he would set out certain rules to manage expectations to keep husband and wife together. He would say in a expectation managing Hadith he would say as Muslim the rates on the authority of Abu Huraira

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he said Leia for a minute Meenan Mina in Cary Hammond hola karate, I mean have you

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know believing man meaning a husband?

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Should they

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hate a believing woman, meaning his wife. He said because if you hate one of her characteristics, then surely you admire others.

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If there are certain traits that you dislike about her, surely there are many other traits that you admire. So why despise

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and uncover? Eyob he said commenting on this hadith he says where he shot or two Nala and Sahiba Allah who may not even he says this hadith is an indication, saying to people, that there is no companion in life who is free from deficiencies and blemishes. They don't exist. And then he continues to call the idea of and he says

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women are rather Sahiba biller I mean yeah, because we don't this will happen. And therefore any person who wants a companion in life who is free from faults, will live his life lonely without a single friend.

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And then he says,

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wha nya Hulu Al Insana see Minami Hisar hiree.

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For young Betty and Uriah your struggle Maddock he,

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he says, No human being is free from good qualities is specially the believer. He said, Therefore, you should focus on what is good, and you should try to veil and conceal the rest.

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No husband should hate his wife, because if he despises some of her characteristics, surely, he admires others. Maybe she's a little bit foul mouthed.

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Okay, but is she not? Good when it comes to the house chores? For example? Does she not take care of your children? Is she not there at your beck and call?

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Is she not taking care of your mother and father? Is she not good with her own parents? The list is endless. And vice versa.

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No believer should hate and other surely there are traits that you admire if you dislike some. So he would say that Alayhi Salatu was Salam. Why, in spirit of the verse that we are studying reconciliation is best. It helps you manage this idea of perfection, that it doesn't exist and it helps you come together when you fall out.

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Another example of how he would bring people together when they are disputing in the famous hadith

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of Imam Al Bukhari. When on the authority of Saturday Boussard in the Saturday

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when he wants came to the house of his daughter Fatima Fatima is married to who?

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Allah you've Nebuta the early Allah who I know.

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So his daughter is married to his cousin Heidi. He comes into the home and he doesn't find ally. He says to her, a nebula UNMIK focus on every word of the Hadith SubhanAllah. Where's your cousin? He said to his daughter, your husband, where's your cousin Ali?

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She said, cannot be anywhere but you know, hold shape.

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For her BoBunny Fela miracle and the Neelam Jana ally doula. She said, we fell out over a matter.

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And so he made me angry and I made him angry. And so he stormed out of the house and he decided not to have his siesta nap here.

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So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he inquired about the whereabouts of Ali, where's he in the city? And they said that he's, he's in the masjid. So he went to the masjid and he found it Italy Allahu Anhu sleeping in one corner of the masjid and his side that was in contact with the ground. Of course, there were no luxurious carpets like this. Just in contact with the soil. He found that his entire site was covered with sand and soil.

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And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam taps on his shoulder and he swats away he Pat's away at the dust and he said to him a poem about to rob about euro get up Mr. Dusty, get up Mr. Dusty, come on, go home

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and have problem.

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focus here on several things, perhaps five. Focus on how

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when the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa salam comes into the home of Fatima and all of these five points spill into the direction of reconciliation is best.

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He doesn't say to her anus Oh, Dookie. Where's your husband? He didn't say that. He said, Where's your cousin?

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In a subtle reminder to Fatima that the person you fallen out with his family? It's not just your husband. Remember?

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There's ties of kinship here. Allahu Akbar, the responsible parent. And the responsible in law in bringing together children when they fallen out is phenomenally important. Whereas your cousin who said as if to remind her what? That there was family between you. This reminds me Subhanallah of Harun Ali, he said I'm on his brother.

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his younger brother Musa was grabbing him by his beard and his hair, saying, Don't you see what many of you have done? They have taken a God besides Allah, you were supposed to be watching over them how to one, what is how to say you have been their own son of my mother?

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What is he called him by son of my mother? To remind him that we have a relationship between the Rahim the wounds, we shared the same wound have mercy upon me. So he said to Fatima, where's your cousin?

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The second thing is, notice the response of Fatima model the Allahu Allahu Akbar as the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, for women of humanity were complete, and one of them was Fatima, daughter of Mohammed Salah Larios.

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He said to her, where's your cousin? She didn't say to him, he did this that he did that this was a perfect opportunity to watch offload her version of the story.

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She has the luxury of having a prophet all to herself. And Alia Radi Allahu Anhu cannot defend himself. And many people would capitalize upon that as an opportunity. She didn't give any details of the dispute. She said kind of any webinar Hall shape, something happened between us. That's it for us, but even my father needs to know on this occasion, we can manage the situation on this particular problem. We can keep it indoors.

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Something happened between us and the prophets Allah Allah s&m did not inquire what is it was not an easy sell to sell. I'm nosy something happened.

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Point number three. Notice how the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam did not summon Ali. He could have asked anyone of the Sahaba who had the beck and call of the Prophet alayhi salatu salam bring it to my house.

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Right? No, he wouldn't do that. He would go to him. He would go and search for him search for his son in law

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to go out into the Arabian sun through the desert of Medina, the unpaved roads, and I will find him myself. Because there is the fear that if I was to ask him to come to me, that I really would feel alienated,

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isolated that they've ganged up on me. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has somehow already assumed a position and negative position against me. No, no, I will go to him and speak to him. Number four, look at how he spoke to ally. What happened? He didn't say that. What did you do to her? He didn't say that. What did she do to you? He didn't say that.

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He simply woke him up. He brushed away the dust from his body. And he said to him, Get up Mr. Dusty, about to rob literally meaning get up father of dust. To make things easy with him. In other words, let's keep it simple. It's okay, go back home. Don't stay away from your wife go biller and no problem. And some issues. I like that the way people react to your problem can make it huge in your eyes, or it can make it small.

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Sometimes there is genuinely a huge issue between husband and wife, it really needs to be resolved.

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But the way that people advise in such a negative way, it seems small.

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And therefore the issue is compounded.

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And therefore they don't take any particular steps or action to deal with it. And the opposite is true. Sometimes you have a small issue, it's a petty issue.

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And then your friends give you bad marital advice. They're giving you all of these battle cries these war cries Braveheart. And you realize, oh my goodness, this is I've got to get it back. This is divorce material.

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So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam trivializes this problem of Ali and Fatima in a positive way because it was in that situation. And he sent him back home.

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And you know, the type of love that Alito the Allahu Anhu had for Fatima and in a couple of the first sessions of the series, we covered the couplets of poetry of Ali on the grave side of it, but when she died before him and what he said and how broken his heart was.

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So this is point number one.

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Point number four point number five from this hadith is how Fatima and Ali Radi Allahu Anhu met endeavour to keep their problem in house.

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No one knew about it. She did not complain to her father, the prophets Allah Larson, and Eileen did not complain to his father in law.

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It was only when the Prophet alayhi salatu salam came into the house to visit on the off chance

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that he came to know of their problem.

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In other words, in their household of Ali and Fatima, the priority was to keep the problem within the confines of our house, to not to make our issue the chit chats of social media and our circle of friends. Where ever possible wherever possible, the priority is to keep the issue in house and not to bring in arbitrators from family and not to bring in a imam or a counselor or a therapist only as in when necessity dictates.

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This is the example of Fatima and Ali and how the Prophet I

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History to Islam endeavor to apply this principle of what of what the Abdullah

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was so who are you reconciliation is best.

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And the third example

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is the famous marriage that happened between Barry era and belief, both of whom are companions of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,

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and believe he was a slave, he didn't have his freedom

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and berry era, she was an emancipated woman. And they were married and they had children.

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That that era, for one reason or another, grew further away and drifted further away from her husband belief and she no longer desired him. This hadith in Sahih Bukhari when the authority of Abdullah Ibrahim Das, who said that I used to see lease following his wife, Betty era in the streets of Medina, pleading with her to stay with him, and his tears were rolling of history, crying behind her, and she wouldn't even look back at him.

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And this amazed our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and he would say to his uncle, Al Abbas, he said yeah bass Allah Tatia me no help be more Heath in Derry Raja wobbu, the berry irritable Rita, our bass, my uncle, Don't you find it amazing. The intense love that movie has for barrier and the hatred that the Euro has for movies

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follow following her in the streets of Medina crying, and she wouldn't look back at him.

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And so the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam in line with the spirit of this if reconciliation is best, he tried to intercede and to reconcile between them.

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And so he summoned Betty era. And he said to her low Raj at a movie theater, will you not consider going back to movie for inner who Abu ala Dickey, after all, he is the father of your children.

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And she said to him, morally, are you commanding me to do this oh, messenger of Allah. Amazing the Companions, as if to say, if this is an instruction from you, I'll do it. No problem. I will live miserably ever after. I have no problem with that if it comes from you. And that's what you want me to do.

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He said to her, she said to him, are you commanding me to do this? He said in Nama and Asha, I'm just interceding. I'm just interceding on his behalf. That's all I'm not instructing you. She said la hija tell if he in that case, I have no interest in him. That was the end of their relationship Subhanallah to show you that the outcome of reconciliation is not always reconciliation, sometimes may end in divorce. But the religion is very keen to close all doors or to knock on all doors before that happens. And he Ali he Salatu was Salam was a fine example of that. And then the Companions they also played a huge role in keeping the marriages of the companions intact.

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And saying a solo Hey, reconciliation is best wherever possible.

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And you have the famous narration of Eric crema in the Tabakoto V. Boussard. The scholars of Hadith said this narration is authentic, where a smart complained of the severity of her husband Zubair

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who is

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the daughter of, of Abu Bakr, who is aware

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one of the 10 who were promised Jana. Learn these names, my dear brothers and sisters be acquainted with them.

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So she went to her father, Abu Bakr Radi Allahu Anhu complaining of the severity of Isabel she the narration said, well, Kana, she didn't highlight how he was severe on her. She had a lot of impossible tasks.

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And look at the responsible father.

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What did the Buddha could say to us, man? He said to her Yeah, Boonen? Yes be the daughter be patient. Yeah, this is the advice that a lot of our sisters despise. Don't tell me to be patient. No, every relationship in life is defined and underpinned

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by patience, your relationship with your parents, patients, your relationship with your children, patients, your relationship with your neighbor, patients, your relationship with your masjid, patients love coming here every day for Salah, your relationship with your colleagues, your relationship with your employer, your relation with employees. And similarly your relationship with your husband and wife it requires patience.

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So well but can he says to his daughter, what what is he doing to you? I will deal with him. How dare he does he not know who you are? He said to her daughter be patient.

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Because whenever a woman is married to a righteous man,

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and then he dies and she does not remarry after his death ALLAH who will bring them together in gender. He will be the ideal man in gym. Now I don't doubt that behind closed doors, Abubakar Radi Allahu Anhu gave some advice as debayer but look at how he

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rested in the eyes of a smart, his daughter a smart, be patient, because they believed Asahi reconciliation is best and that was their priority wherever possible.

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And similarly, the famous narration of Amuro on what we need Omar when he was the Khalifa.

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And a man came knocking at the door of Omar. This man was complaining of his wife, my wife, she's foul mouthed, she's too loud. She's insults me with her Kellyanne with her speech.

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So he went to the house of Amaro, the Allahu Anhu. He knocked on the door to get some advice. How do I behave with this woman who is treating me this way? And as he's waiting at the door, what is he here?

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He hears a fight happening in the family of Omar are the Allahu Anhu Omar and his wife and the wife of Omar, she's raising her voice. And she's being tough with her words. And the leader of the believers are not staying silent, not responding to.

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So the answer's no, you know, in the law, he walks away I have come to take advice is the same scenario that I'm struggling with at home. So he walks away, I'm going to notice is that someone was at the door, and then he has walked away.

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So he rushes to the door and he opens it.

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And he says, brother come back, the man comes back, he says, How can I help you?

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He said, Well, to tell you the truth leader of the believers, my wife is giving me a hard time in terms of how she speaks to me and she's not respecting me whatsoever. And I came to your house to seek some counsel and I overheard the conversation. I'm sorry, you're going through the same thing I'm going through. So I said to myself if this is the house of Ameerul Momineen, the leader of the believers Omar, then who am I to complain

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or say to him Hold on a minute, let me tell you something, my brother

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in the middle Ha,

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new moon.

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I am putting up with my wife for several reasons.

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In her heart for Bucha two liter Army. After all, my wife is the one who cooks my food. cupboards to nicob Z, she needs my bread, the salah to Nithya Abbey, she washes my clothes,

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or bar actually while at the she breastfeeds my children. While they second do that he can be YG Ben Ali, and not all of these matters are incumbent upon her. While your schooner will be happy I'll be adding haram and my heart fields rest towards her, so I no longer aspire for the impermissible further to Hamadani Derek so I put up with her for these reasons.

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And the man said to Mr. Subhanallah, my wife does the same. Yeah, she also cooks for me and needs my read breastfeeds my children, my wife is the same. He said factor hamdulillah Eden yaki in the Maha Mudra dunya Sierra, so put up with her my brother, because life is very short.

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Put up with her my brother, because we haven't got very long left in this world Life is short Allahu ik see how it was the hammer they played a role in bringing the hearts together and avoiding divorce as much as possible. Undoubtedly, it is an opportunity to escape their relationship as and when needed. But this is not the spirit of the idea was to proclaim that reconciliation is best. And it is a priority wherever possible.

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So this is the first of the matters.

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The priority is to try to keep the relationship or the problem of the marriage contained within the confines of your home, only bringing arbitrators as and when needed. How do you keep your problem within the confines of your home? What are the things that you can do to achieve this principle of reconciliation is best for quick matches before we break for Salah number one anger management, we're going to dedicate an entire week on the elements of wader Mahabali boo home yeah with your own anger management from the Quran. Most of the problems you can say that you can say that happen as a result of anger and haste bring about regret.

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And the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the hadith of Bokhari on the authority of Abdullah Hebrew Abbas, or the Hadith of Abu Hurayrah. When a man said to him, I will say he advised me a messenger of Allah He said to him that don't get angry. And the man kept asking rather than mirar and give me advice. And the Prophet would say to him that I would have just don't get angry. That's number one. If you are angry, don't try to solve the problem there and then move on. Stay quiet, and that's point number two silence when you are angry.

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If there is an issue that needs discussing, do not discuss it when your veins are bulging and you're sweating in anger. There's no point.

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That's why I'm at Narita, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said either probably but I have to confess Yes, good. If one of you is angry, let him stay quiet. Don't speak

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Sheikh Khalifa Rahim Allah Rahim Allah He said, I worked as a hobby as a judge for 27 years.

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And most of the cases of divorce that came to me, were because of one of two things.

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Ignorant anger from a husband,

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a foolish response by the woman.

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And the problem that they are fighting over is usually very small.

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Most of the issues of divorce are because of this blind anger from the husband rage, and an idiotic response from the wife. And the root cause is usually Taffy something very petty. So that's number two. Silence.

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Number three, is the style of speech when you are addressing the problem. So you and your wife have spoken about that you and your wife have agreed that this is the time to discuss a particular problem.

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And we're going to speak about it, try during that moment to not use what they call the accusative, the accusative, when you say you, when you start your discussion with your wife by saying, or your husband, you did this, and you did that instantly, what have you done, you've triggered the defense system of your husband or wife. So they're now in defense, and this will begin to spiral downwards. Instead of using the accusative, you may wish to use the first person by saying, I was upset when such and such happen. So you're removing the limelight from the person you're speaking about. And you're putting it on a situation.

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I was upset when this was happening, I felt disrespected when this particular matter happened, and so on and so forth. That's number three. Number four, my brother and my sister learn to make concessions.

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Realize that there are some battles that you will have to lose in our marriage in order to win the war, make concessions.

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And you will find that even in the AI that we are studying now, when Allah says was sort of higher, making a settlement is best. And part of making a settlement is that one party will have to compromise, a reduction in some of its rights and responsibilities towards it. That's part of making a peace treaty, a settlement. What is the point of you insisting to win an argument? If it means that it's going to fracture your relationship, or at least put a dent in it was that victory worth celebrating?

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And similarly, you as a responsible spouse may decide that I'm going to lose this argument, I can win this one. Why in order to save the marriage, if you do that, that is not a loss. That is a victory that should be celebrated. Making a settlement a peace treaty. Allah says that is best.

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But then look at how the verse has concluded. Ah, we don't like to make concessions. Allah said, what we're hardly writing emphasis show. Greed is constantly present in the mind of man, Allah said.

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So you are told in one breath of the verse, make concessions make a settlement agree to sacrifice some of your rights for the sake of the bigger picture for the marriage. But in the second breath of the verse, What does Allah say? Greed is what prevents people from doing that greed is always here present in the mind of man.

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these are examples of the Prophet Alayhi Salatu was Salam acting upon this principle of reconciliation is best and I've shared with you some of the ways in which the Companions they did the same that I shared with you for particular strategies in keeping the problem in house.

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There may be a situation this is phase number two, where your problem your marital discord needs to go out you need a second opinion. What do we do in the situation? Allah Almighty gives instructions if the matter needs escalation? He said, from Surah Nisa chapter four as well. We're in the 15th Shekhar Kabini Hema if you fear a disagreement between husband and wife, what do you do? For about two Hackerman min Lee Wahaca. And Holly had been sent for an arbitrator from his family and an arbitrator from her family. AUD ADA is law ha if they truly want to reconcile the intention is there what will happen? You will fail enough with that, you know whom Allah who will make it happen.

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So the priority is to not go into Google

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is to not make it the chit chat of conversation. It's not speak to your neighbor about your problem. No, take an arbitrator from your side and the arbitrator from her side and allow them to discuss by the way, these arbitrators

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who come in to resolve your problem with your husband or wife does not have to be a scholar in their religion does not have to be a PhD holder in Shanghai

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doesn't have to be Mufti Sol Sol. getting hold of them is very difficult these days.

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All this person has to be is an individual who has the best interest of your family in mind, who has the best interest of your family in mind the number two they have to be wise have to have some Hekmat to them. A few gray hairs to their to their beards into their heads. A few years on, they're carrying a few years behind them of experience. They know how to manage a situation like this. Right there, there's wisdom that wise enough to realize that the tears of a woman are not necessarily an indication that the husband is guilty. And now loud and roaring voice of a husband. It's not necessarily an indication that the wife is guilty. They can see beyond these things, a wise

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Why is that they they know how to manage a situation like this.

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And I've seen some of our elders Masha Allah, they said a fine example. In arbitrating between their children who are disputing with one another. And the way they arrange their thoughts. And you've seen two couples, when they are fighting, they're shouting, they're all foaming from the mouth, and they're speaking over each other. And so much is being said about each other. And within that one hour sitting. He's mentioned 100 things and she's mentioned 100 things and from the Past, Present Future if finances socializing, and you don't know how to arrange this, no, this arbitrator knows how to arrange that conversation. And they will say for example, hold on, stop a minute. Dear

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sister, stop there. Give me the main issues, not the minor ones, give me the main issues, please enlist them out that you are bothered with respect your husband and brother at same thing give us the main issues that aggravate you from your wife, usually you will find and this is my short experience, they will struggle to find three. Sometimes there are big issues, but they don't usually go beyond three. We say main remove this one remove this one, we can discuss these issues, main issues that will affect the future of the relationship. They will mention one, two, sometimes three.

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Okay, good. Now, we want you please to list the things that you would like to change about your spouse. If you had a magic wand or stuff Ebola, you're able to change something in your spouse overnight, what would it be?

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They will have verbal diarrhea, they will give you a few things that needs to be changed about them.

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And then you say to them, can you help us with now a list of a few things that you need to change about yourself? Or sometimes you may reword that by saying a few things that you admire about your spouse, give us know a few things that you admire about your spouse.

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And here Subhanallah there is like there is an amnesia that affects them like they've been hit by a truck and there's this memory loss. I can't remember anything positive. So you may need to give them a hand here. And a wise arbitrator will give them a hand. Does he not provide an income? Does he not do this? Does he not do that? Also your wife? Does she not do this? Does she not do that? Yes, yes. Yes, she does. Okay, let's add that to the list. And this one and this one, this one, this one? Oh, look, we have about 30

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and then the homeless The problem is solved. Why? Because they begin to realize that the failure that Allah has blessed me with drowns the negatives that I've just listed, drowns them, raw has gone is washed away.

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And then you ask the question, those things that you want to change about them. When you want to change about yourself, are they good things or bad things? No, they're good things. Are they pleasing to Allah? Not Yes. They're pleasing to Allah. So change the mindset. Don't make it Why should I change for him for her, make it I want to change for Allah

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because they are pleasing to Him. So I will change for him. Allah who I could see when you have a wise arbitrator, so many problems could be evaded. And so many families could be fixed. Moral of the story brothers and sisters, please don't make your relationship. The chit chat of your community. Be very careful who you share your marital problems with. I know it is very tempting to speak to your friend, your neighbor, about your grievances. Why? Because they're gonna clap and cheer for you.

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They're going to share the battle cry with you. They're going to double down on your desire to kill your spouse. They will agree with everything you say and sympathize. That is rarely helpful advice. They don't know your situation. And they rarely have the

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Wisdom to deal with your situation. And I compare a friend who tries to give you advice about your marriage, more often than not,

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to a spectator in a football game fan. He's not in the game.

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He's not perspiring, he doesn't have the pressure to score doesn't have the media that limelight on his head, her head, you're just a spectator. You can sit down, you can watch, you can cheer, you can deer, you can get up and go to the bathroom. If you wish, you can go get a hot dog, a halal one HMC.

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Or if you get bored of the game, you could just walk out, the player can't do that.

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In the marriage, the husband and wife, they are the guys on the pitch.

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And all of the guys who are giving advice, your friends who have your best interest in mind, apparently, they're just spectators, they don't know what it's like to be in your situation.

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They don't have the experience of the elders.

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They don't have the knowledge of the religion as per what is right and what is wrong in each circumstance. They don't have years of experience on their back. They haven't even bothered to ask you about the what does your husband, your wife have to say about this? We haven't heard from them, you're just happy that they support you.

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This is a very ignorant,

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short sighted way to deal with a marital problem. By just speaking about these are the matters of your home

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and out to become the chit chat of social media and your friends. And I would really be interested to see if there is a study out there that's actually looked at the percentage of relationships that could have been saved that failed because of bad marital advice.

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So be careful who you choose when asking for advice Dear Brothers and Sisters, a wise person from his family and a wise person from her family.

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Having said all of this brothers and sisters, in conclusion to this principle, marriage, undoubtedly is the bedrock of society. We've mentioned this before, it's the gold standard of commitment.

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It's the secret that allows societies to flourish the way they do when you have a stable family to rear children within.

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Therefore, although I acknowledge that marriages, they can and they do break down wherever possible, we should prevent them from doing so.

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Divorce is an option, no doubt. But wherever possible, we promote the opposite reconciliation.

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Sadly, however,

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modernity is pushing the opposite direction of this.

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Allah says a sort of okay, reconciliation is best. modernity is saying there is no need for reconciliation, don't worry about it. And that's why you had on the sixth of April 2022, a piece of legislation that was passed in this country, England and Wales.

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And it was put forward by the conservatives in 2020. What they call the no fault divorce,

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which basically means that a one couple or one spouse from the from the couple can apply for a divorce.

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without the consent of the other without consulting the other. It is a unilateral divorce on demand.

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The other couple, the other spouse can do nothing about it. They can't challenge it. Even if the one who is pushing forward the proceedings is in the wrong they can do nothing about it. It's the end of the relationship class. No commitment, no fault divorce.

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How is that helpful? When Allah Allah Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah who is saying no was Salehi that reconciliation is best, making a settlement is best, even if it comes at the expense of some of your rights. If at all, it is possible to keep the relationship intact, then this should be the immediate go to

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the crisis in a new relationship, including marriage

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is a character building opportunity

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is an opportunity to realize who you actually are,

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allows you to mature and to grow and to discover yourself to see your blind spots you couldn't have discovered without a spouse. Therefore, if on each and every occasion you fall out with your spouse, you're going to divorce and walk away.

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Then what type of example are you setting for the children in teaching them that whenever you have a problem in your life, and it could be just boredom with your spouse? The answer is to get up and walk away. How will they cope in life when they meet challenges? And how will you cope as a spouse when you remarry? Guess what? The same problems that you did not solve in the first marriage. You will carry them into the new marriage and you will learn in the exact same

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If you wish

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so walking away is not always the best go to, but rather see it as a character building opportunity. I'm going to address my problems, how can I treat them and grow as a as a Muslim and as a human being?

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So yes, we acknowledge that not all problems are solvable in a marriage.

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But nor should divorce be the knee jerk reaction to every problem.

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And we say well Sohei reconciliation is best. And one of the most optimistic verses in the Quran is or Allahu Allah gelato who said e reader is la ha if they both truly want to reconcile you, if you can level Boehner Houma, Allah will make it happen one way or another, Allah will make it happen. That's the guarantee for those who truly want to come together and reconcile and settle their differences.

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I think we've gone over the allocated time. And unfortunately, we've only covered one principle I was planning on covering principle 13 But that Allah, Masha, Allah, we will defer that inshallah until next week, I think then, also lalala and Amina Mohammed Al Hamdulillah. Behind me, any questions, brothers, any queries, any additions and contributions? I sometimes forget to ask you that