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Solutions – Episode 03 – Raising Children

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Ali Albarghouthi

Channel: Ali Albarghouthi

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So now my daughter Selena, who it was our viewer, send them in at hamdulillah Hina moto. When is the no one is the hero who know that we know him in jewelry and fusina was the man in May the Hindu woman for the Allah, Masha Allah, Allahu la sharika. Why no Mohammed Abu Salah LaValle, you alayhi wa sahbihi wa sallam. So the third in the series about solutions to common problems. And the challenge that we are going to address in sha Allah today is raising children.

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And raising children is always a challenge, but it's more so and especially in the West. And by the way, it's not simply Muslim parents who are having issues with raising their children. So non Muslims are coming from different backgrounds, different traditions, different religions, also face similar or somewhat of a challenge when they're raising their children. As the children grow, and they mature, and they pick their own path in life, and etc, etc. It's not always what the parents envision, there's a clash, there's a disagreement, there's conflict. So non Muslims also face that if you were to know some Muslim or non Muslims, and what they go through, you will understand that

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it's not something peculiar to Muslims. So first of all, it is very common, and there is reasons why it is common, we'll talk about some of them inshallah. But if you are an immigrant, who has landed here, or to come here, from a different land, where the language is different, or the customs are different, that's an additional challenge, right? Because there's a gap. And that also creates some sort of tension and conflict between two cultures and two visions in two languages. And if you are a traditionalist, okay, because you could come from another country, but not being very conservative or traditionalist person, but if you have the, what they call traditional values, that's also an

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additional challenge. Because these values are going to be questioned, and some children are gonna abandon them. And it's, again, because of the bigger culture that pushes in that direction. And of course, if you're Muslim, that adds a third or a fourth challenge to the whole of this because it's misunderstood, it's doubted, it's suppressed, attacked. So Islam in itself is a challenge. traditional values are a challenge, being an immigrant is a challenge. And generally, generally, just raising children in Western society is also a challenge. Now, why is that the case and I want to point in sha Allah, briefly to some cultural influences that make raising children Hmm,

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especially if you are all of those four things that we talked about all the all four, three things we talked about.

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So one, I call it in terms of causes, there is a break with tradition, as a general force that you find within Western culture.

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And Western culture, even though it is we call it Western in a lot of ways, it becomes global, our aspects of it becomes global, because it gets exported, through media and influence, you can find it also in Muslim countries, so that you don't have to feel this only or you're not going to feel this only if you are in a western country, in Muslim countries, you're going to feel that as well, because of the infiltration of the values, Western values through media, and political influence, economic influence. So there is this exit from tradition or break with tradition, where does that come from? It has a very long history. So Europe first at one point in its time was dominated by the

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church. And then the Europeans wanted to liberate themselves from the oppressive rule and control of the church, the church with the monarchy, they controlled everything. So talking about politics, talking about the economy, and the influence also, or censored, let's say art,

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artistic expressions, how people lived all that was determined by two forces, the monarchy, and also the church. So when the Europeans started to abandon the influence of the church and challenge the influence of the church, that influence started to decrease gradually, and Europeans because of an economic boom, this is how it started. And then the Protestant Reformation that also broke the monopoly of the Catholic Church. So you had splits Protestants themselves. In the beginning, they were very strict. But it gradually right that also was abandoned. But what you see is that Europeans now started to look to something beyond the church for influence for motivation. So where did they

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look? They look to a pre Christian, Greek and Roman traditions. So in terms of ideas, right, and I don't know if this is

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is boring or not, I'm just telling you, I'll abbreviate it, okay. But I just want you to understand that they started to look were to Greek and Roman traditions in terms of political ideas, philosophical ideas, even influenced art itself, and the way that people dressed. So now you started to see waves within Europe with the Renaissance and the Enlightenment, where there's a wave of artistic expressions, and it gets, you know, replaced by another and so on and so on. This is something new fashion also was influenced by that

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politics was influenced by that the creation of the state.

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This is something that is modern, it is also influenced by this, the economy was influenced ideas were influenced by that. So the gradually, they're moving away from tradition,

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and religion, and the influence of the church, to the autonomy of the individual. You know, individualism, right? So where does that come from? It's the autonomy of the individual or the individual is what disconnected from the divine

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meaning a lot as the agenda does not control what happens to me, I decide what happens to me. So that's the autonomy of the individual. So they are moving more and more towards this rebelling against tradition. And that is a trajectory that started from there, and continues till today. So if you were to go 50 years ago, and see what people believed, is it the same as what people believe today?

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It's not, is it more liberal or more traditional.

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It's more liberal, and it continues to move in that direction. There are reasons why it's moved to the direction other than what I've talked about. But there is that push, of moving away from tradition, running away from tradition, tradition, being something that is old, archaic, outdated, does not fulfill our needs, on all levels, so you need to run away from it. Which is something new in human history, and definitely something that runs contrary to Islam. Because how do we view tradition, and by tradition, I mean, what we inherited from our forefathers, specifically, because we inherited some good things and bad things, but I'm talking about the Quran and the Sunnah of

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Rasulullah, sallAllahu wasallam. And the good example of the pious scholars, and worshipers of Allah, this is a model for us, not something to run away from. But you get a different cultural sense, when you were in the West, where you are progressively moving towards a better and better understanding of life, and a better and better application of that, where the past is worse. And the present is better.

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So that is the break with tradition, and you feel it, okay, you feel it, if you're living in the West, you feel it. There's also consumer centered youth culture and technology, consumer centered youth culture, and technology. Now, this break with tradition, it usually will take a while for it to happen, okay. And sometimes there's just this momentous cultural moments when it takes place, you think of the 1960s, and the sexual revolution, and all of that, and it influenced songs and influenced fashion and influenced ideas. But what helps spread these waves and that liberation, before it would take a while.

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But when you got TV,

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to spread the message, and accelerate the adoption of these ideas, and then the generation of new ideas, and when you got the internet that spreads it and makes the turnover of these ideas more rapid than the spread of these ideas, and then they embrace and then that evolution comes even greater and greater and greater. Right.

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So break with tradition accelerated with

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concern with that

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technology. And also what accelerates it is business and consumer culture. So how does it accelerate? Or how is it to the advantage of business and consumerism, to highlight

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break with tradition, is by focusing on the youth.

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Now, who are people who are most likely to buy and spend?

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It's the young

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It's them. So even when, I don't know if you know, or not in TV ratings, when the event going to evaluate if a TV show is good or not. They base it on ratings, right? How many people are watching. And within that itself, there's a subcategory which is called the coveted category of people and I don't know what the cutoff exactly is it from 15 to 35, something like this. So there is this general public, but you also within the general public, you want to target specifically those who are maybe I'll say around 15 to 35. Why do you want to target those people? What do you

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think

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they're still developing, right? They're still developing. So that's one thing. They're not set in their ways. Why else? Why else do you wanna target them?

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shadow. So they have a desire, that's for sure. They have this desire, and they're still coming to terms with it, trying to understand it. So what does that lead to?

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More what

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more spending, they're more likely to spend, then the rest who are over 35, because when you're 35, your shower to a degree has subsided, your desire has subsided, not disappear, but it goes down a little bit. And you start thinking about what about a family about children about retirement, so you want to save money. But in that age group, you're not thinking about saving money, you're just embracing life, and you want to buy everything, and you want to try everything. So they want to sell you that dream. So they target that age group, and they sell to it a break with tradition, find your own personality, discover your own needs, your parents are stupid, right? The other older people are

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stupid.

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They're,

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you're ahead of your time, be creative. It's all focused on you, you you, and it heals, and it pushes you to consume even more and more. So there's this youth culture, which is focused on the youth and marginalizes the elderly. If you think about the business culture, the business culture is not interested in the elderly, except if the elderly can spend, if they're not, if they cannot spend, they're not interested in them at all. So everything becomes about the young. And it's not that there is anything special in you know, in terms of business, or the business.

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People above the young except as consumers. So as consumers, they're able to give us and generate a lot more money. So break with tradition, break with the past break with your parents becomes incentive. And I don't know if you've seen some of these

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shows for the kids.

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Whether it's cartoon shows, or shows for the kids, where it's just kid centered, and how they portray the parents. Anybody knows what I'm talking about and how they portray the parents and those kids shows? Because you think that your kid is sitting and watching something innocent, right? But how do they portray the parents

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behind the times, right, then that they are a nuisance, they're annoying, they don't understand you.

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You complain about them, they're there to me to be made fun of right? Because they don't understand the jokes. They don't understand the references, you tolerate them. And maybe if the show is generous enough, you'll find that the parent is sympathizing with with the child. And the child finally embraces the parent, but still there's a distance. So the parent can tell you anymore what to do on what not to do because they are out of it out of the loop. It is you who decides what's right and what's wrong. It's your feelings. So that enhances this break with culture. Where does it come from? Because if you think about it, most cultures in the world don't believe that.

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When Muslim do we do this? The break with tradition break with elders and just decide on your own not not we don't do it. Asian cultures. No native cultures, know the venerate the elders, you get wisdom from the elders, but no here, this that disconnection allow the manipulation of the youth, allowing the manipulation of the young, so that they keep keep selling to them, and those people will keep buying.

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There's also a third, the cause of this tension is immigration gap if the person is an immigrant, so the person has come from a different country into this country, there is a gap that they will need to bridge in order to understand their kids as their kids are growing up. So first of all, there's a linguistic gap.

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Right? So the parents may not speak English very well, or add a level basic level that is far beneath what the children are able to communicate and how they can communicate, plus the slang and the vernacular. So they're totally out. They don't understand it at all. So there is linguistic but there's also culture,

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things that are appropriate how people speak, how people behave, what they eat, what they do not eat, how they approach it, each other children learn it from their peers and people around them here. The parents do not understand that.

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I mean, if they're not engrossed if they do not study and try try to understand it, they will not fully understand any of that. You have a gap in goals.

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There might be traditional goals, but very materialistic goals here.

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Okay, what is it that you want to do? Well, I want to go out with my friends, I want to have a tattoo, I want to, you know, have this and that peers because others are doing it. So goals are different. And that may seem very peculiar, if you don't understand the culture may seem very peculiar to you. Why would you want this? So if you don't understand the culture very well, you'll feel that, okay, they're just coming out of, you know, the risky aliens, because this does not make sense at all. So there's a gap when it comes to goals, and so on, and so on, and so on.

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And as the migrant parents feel, even within themselves, this tension between back home and here, that's even more pronounced and stronger, with kids who grew up having immigrant parents, because they have traditions from here, but we have values from here. They have language here and language there. They have obligations here, but obligations there. And there's this internal conflict or you're trying to reconcile, but it's not always possible to reconcile. Right? It's not always possible. So which comes first? That's always the negotiation that kids have to go through what is important, what is not? What do I need to fit? Where do I belong? So that needs to be negotiated.

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And parents also need to be aware of it. There's also the minority doubt, this is number four, I call it minority doubt. Every minority

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when it's scrutinized and criticized by the majority will doubt itself.

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You're right. So we're not just simply talking about Muslims, talking about any minority. So if the majority looks at that minority with disdain, I'd like they're lower than us. Some of the members of that minority group will start saying to themselves, maybe that's true. So you start trying to look like them. That's, that's normal. So if the problem is with your skin, what do you do? If your skin is too dark? What do you do?

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Oh, yeah, you put you put something on so that it's lighter. And the problem is with your hair is straight in your hair of the problem is with your language, you fix your language, the problem is with your finger, you try to fix your fingers. So whatever it is, you're a minority, if you accept that scrutiny of the majority, you will start trying to change yourself. And you accept that you are less than inferior. So you have to look different. Of course, other minorities, or other members of the same minority group will resist that and become proud of who they are, are proud of being this color of having that hair or being this and gender of having that accent. We're proud of it as

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neither that you should be ashamed nor proud. This is something that lies if it had given to you. I mean, you're not supposed to be this is a point. Just a sight point. And you're not supposed to be proud of being white nor proud of being black. I mean, that's not something that you're proud of a lot. You didn't earn it. Right, you didn't earn that or proud of being female are proud of being male, it earned that or it's just like saying, I'm proud of being tall. Right? It doesn't make sense at all. So Allah gave it to you, you may be happy that you're tall,

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or thin, but can be proud of it because he did not achieve it. He did not earn it. So it's the same thing with these biological attributes that Allah had given. These are distinctions of Allah azza wa jal, that is supposed to enrich us, not impoverish us. And we use them to receive Allah azzawajal not push each other down. So if either minority sees itself like that, and of course, Muslims are a minority, and I use a very scrutinize minorities, then you begin to question everything. Why do I? Why do I need to stand out? It's difficult to stand out, isn't it to look different? It's very difficult. So why do I need to stand out? Why do I need to wear hijab? Why names don't need to have

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a beard? Why do I need to pray five times a day? Why can't I eat this? Why can't eat that. So some of it is because you've internalized that pressure, and you're trying to fit in? Some of it is because you're trying to simply understand

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and why you're asking all these questions is because the majority of people don't do these things. So naturally, when your parents say do this, they say wait a second, most people are not doing it. Why am I doing this?

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And what is Subhanallah ironic is that most people try to think of themselves as free thinkers. Most people are not free thinkers. Most of us, we are not free thinkers, you only question things when they're not coming.

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If you go to a country where everybody has a beard, do you question it?

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Most people will not question it.

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Everywhere I go to a country where most people for instance, you know, have a hijab or most people have a hijab a particular color. Are you going to question it? Most people do not question. That's why a lot of people do not question the cultural within this culture. Do not question the cultural practices here. Why do you eat this? Why do you drink Why do you drink alcohol? What what's the sense behind drinking alcohol?

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It doesn't get question just gets consumed. And it becomes part of being initiated into the culture. If you want to become part of this, you start drinking part of this club part of this team, you start drinking, so people generally accepted. So whatever is common does not get challenged. So because Islam is not common, and Islamic practices and beliefs are not comments, they get questioned and challenged even from those who are Muslim. So that's the minority doubt,

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the saturated number five D, saturated Islamic environment, this is connected to the one that I've talked about, in a sense that if you're Islamic, if you have an Islamic environment around you, even within

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a non Muslim country, but a lot of the people around you are Muslims, and your environment is Muslim, that is more likely to enhance your Islamic practice and belief and conviction that this is normal. If my neighbors are Muslim, I know the majority are non Muslims, fine, but my neighbors are Muslim. I come to the masjid my friends are Muslim relatives are here. So there is a large Islamic environment I've been initiated into the masjid from a very young age. And I grew up with it and within the masjid, and it continued to go to the masjid, these anchors help me stay Muslim, because it's an Islamic environment around me that supports me.

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If I don't have that, then obviously becomes even harder and harder to practice Islam because nothing around me, reminds me of Islam reinforces my beliefs reinforces my practices.

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That's why typically where it is, it's easier to be Muslim and to practice Islam in a Muslim country or a non Muslim country. As a Muslim country, even though some people will say I'm a better Muslim, in a non Muslim country, or only a better Muslim in a non Muslim country, because you've put more effort.

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Right? Cannot be, it cannot be in a non Muslim country, you're sitting home,

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you hear the event coming into your living room, your bedroom at some time wakes you up. So it comes here and knocks on your door and say wake up. So even if a person does not pray the air then hits their ear five times a day, here, if you wish, you'll never hear that. Right? So why are you a better Muslim? Or do you happen to be a better Muslim in a non Muslim country, because you realize you need to do more. So you actually start doing more you actually, lo and behold, you become a better Muslim. So this is not, there's no magic about it, there was no mystery, you just put more effort. So of course, all of as I'm talking about causes, the opposite will be a solution. Number

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six is wrong practices of parenting. That's also a challenge in raising kids, that you have these kids and I'm going to talk when it comes to solutions about some of the things that need to be done. But we who do not know how to raise kids start raising kids. And we either repeat the mistakes of our parents, or the methods of our parents unnecessarily that their method that were wrong, but some of them may have been wrong. Okay. So we just basically inherit some methods of discipline, and we transmit that again to our kids not realizing that the times are different, and the environment is different. And the way that you want to reach them should be different. And then along the way, we

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make mistakes, and we don't fix those mistakes. And these mistakes grow into something that is irreparable in the long run. So having to learn how to parent is a necessity. Just like we said before, when you want to get married, what is one of the things that you're supposed to do before getting married, is to learn about marriage, learn about the rights and responsibilities of the spouses. And before you want to have a child who's supposed to learn how to raise your child, and we'll talk about that in Shell.

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Number seven is rebellion or rebelling and finding their own identity.

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So on the one hand, it's natural for children as they grow up, to search for their own personality. before their personality was one of you was beloved, you know, sort of was subsumed by yours. You made their food, you pick their clothes, you told them where to go, what to think. So they've absorbed a lot from you. But now as they're growing as they're becoming adults, they're trying to understand and find out who they are. So they are things they like and things that they dislike, they have their own experience. Sometimes this will clash with you in minor ways, and sometimes really in major ways. So they're trying to understand who they are. So there is that rebellion that

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will take place, especially in the teens, teenage years, until they reach adulthood and they settle into who they are and they start understanding who they are.

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But when you miss understand your child and you don't know how to deal with them, that rebellion can

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grow into something that is beyond your control. A damage could be done, where a person could Subhanallah either exit Islam or have negative feelings about Islam and negative feelings about the parents, because this person does not did not understand how to deal with that rebellion or search for an identity, especially in a culture that encourages rebellion and encourages this association from parents who it will describe as ill informed, educated and well equipped to understand you. They can because they've come from somewhere else. So you are outdated, antiquated, as we said, right? out of the loop, how could you understand me so the culture emphasizes this. And if you don't

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understand it, you don't understand the force of that rebellion and why it takes place? Or you come from back home, you don't understand.

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But yes, there is there are differences. But at the same time, there's a lot of overlap.

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Because humans are humans, right? We bleed the same, we feel hunger, we seem feel the same hunger, the same thirst, we have the same aspirations, we have the same fears. Doesn't matter where you've lived, when you've lived, there are some common elements that connect all of us together. So even if your parents had come from a different place, they still have something valuable to teach you. And guess what if you don't learn it from your parents, no one's going to teach it to you. If you don't get that wisdom from your parents, where else are you gonna look for? So they have life experience that they want to give to you. Maybe not all of us are good teachers, right? But they want to give

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to you. And you want to take advantage of that. Because once that is gone, no one else is going to teach it to you and you're probably going to repeat the same mistakes as as they did before you learn. So there's no need to keep repeating these mistakes. Number eight, I mean causes which is the last one that I have is all the attractions and allure. Desire, like you said, so you want them to hold on to the truth you want them to be noble people, you want them to have a focus on life. But this consumer materialist culture tells them what no come and waston come and spend money on this. Don't think about the future just enjoy the moment enjoy the present, drink and gamble and go out

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with moment and you know, be rich and be famous. So again, it's a culture that really does not care about them is simply cares about how much money they have. And once they are poor and they don't have enough money, it spits them out. Because Can you have fun without money?

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No, you can right who said no I heard of that good. No. Yeah, you can have fun without money. You can buy games you can travel you can eat well, no. So just then the culture says well we don't need you anymore. You're not the target of my advertisement you're not the target not I'm not interested in you go earn enough money so that you can spend and be part of that rat race otherwise known.

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So worldly law is very very destructive now solutions insha Allah

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and again I'm sure Allah I don't know if this has been comprehensive or it can be comprehensive but at least I hope that I'm providing some keys right and maybe you can add on to them insha Allah or tell me though you missed this thing, or maybe we can add this next time because that will help me inshallah solutions. The first thing is

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and you find that in the Quran, Allah as urgent says that repeatedly, on the tongue of the pious and the prophets of Allah as urgent that they may draw to for the progeny a lot as liveagent says, well, Edina, yopu Naropa hablan amin as vergina was the Ria Tina kurata ion, so describing the believers, the ones who say a lie grant is from our spouses and our children, a joy to our eyes. So this is something before you get married before you have children, you are making dua to Allah azza wa jal he Allah grant me that child, Grant me that spouse, because without doing nothing, so you need to ask Allah for it.

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Or Abuja name up masala to come into reality. This is Ibrahim and a salami Allah make me of those who perform salah and for my project. So it's not just for himself, Grant me this and give it to my children so that they also worship you. And I'll be glad to help another Armenian would you do many urbania nabooda Islam Ibrahim again your ally make this a safe sanctuary, the house of Allah azza wa jal Makka and protect me and my children from the worship of idols, so do for the children throughout. So once you actually decide I want to have children and you pursue that, from that time, till your death, you are responsible for them and you are responsible. First with

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I'm going to show you how to build a Taliban even human body always Allah says in Surah Al Baqarah where you witnesses when jacoba is alive.

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You know, was about to die. So death approached him. So he gathered his children and he said, What are you? What are you going to worship? after my death? How do not go to eat?

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He says, We're gonna worship your inner and the inner of your forefathers. So even till a moment of his death, he collects his children and says, What's gonna happen to you after not split this and split that money? Second, what? What will you worship?

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So do ask him, Allah zildjian. Second is tawakkol on online, so you have to put maximum effort to talk about some of it, but also realize that it's finally not up to you.

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So you wouldn't be right. This is finally not up to you, but finally up to who Allah is the origin. So you can try try try your best.

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And we mentioned before an example of someone who tried his best as a prophet of Allah azzawajal, but his son did not accept,

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you know, right? Which which prophet is that? No. Right? So no, Allah is salam, his son did not accept Islam. So you can try your best, but still, it may not work. So you have to realize that the hearts are controlled by Allah xojo that's why it is important. You can say to yourself, I've done everything that I can still so and so is not listening. So you have to resort to Allah zildjian and believe that I have to trust him subpoena with Allah, I'm not trusting my effort, I'm doing all my best, not not trusting my effort. And this does not lead to tawakkol, the opposite of tawakkol, meaning that Oh, Allah will take care of them and you do nothing. Right? I'll just have children and

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children and children and I will take care of them. Allah is the best protector.

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That's not the case cannot be if that's the case, then why do you lock up your money?

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Why do you keep it in a safe, put it outside your home and say a lower protected the same thing alone, protect your kids. But if someone steals your money from outside your homes, and someone is going to steal your kids

00:32:05--> 00:32:05

the same way?

00:32:07--> 00:32:10

I suspect stranger Of course, you don't want a stranger to come and steal your kids.

00:32:11--> 00:32:23

That's true. That's true. You don't want a stranger to come and see me kids. So the third is halal. Eating halal. And that's important, because Allah zildjian puts Baraka in it and not only talking about halaal

00:32:25--> 00:32:57

income, that that's fundamental the earning from halaal because Allah will bless your children when they consume the Helen, but also living a Hillel lifestyle. So the more hallel It is, in your entertainment in where you go, and how you spend life. You spend your time in the house outside the house, then Allah who will bless them, and they will see and appreciate the huddle because you've done it. So halaal is really very important in bringing Baraka into your life. Learning how to parent

00:32:58--> 00:33:16

Okay, so this is where you said that you have to educate yourself on the issue. So how do you learn it? You learn it first by reading the Quran. And you will find examples in it of interactions between parents and their children and children and their parents.

00:33:17--> 00:33:29

You learned from the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam because he's a lot of you sent him he had children. So how would he deal with them? How did he talk to them? How did other Sahaba also talk to them and deal with them? How did they raise them.

00:33:31--> 00:33:45

And there are a lot of small, small, you know, stories here and there. About Osama lies a lot of them speaking to his children or others to harbor speaking to the children or the province or listen to speaking to other young men and teaching them.

00:33:46--> 00:34:23

So learning it from the sun, and then the examples of this harbor and those who followed. And then Islamic literature on parenting you need to buy, take those books, buy them, or even if it is written by non Muslims, as long as you're able to distinguish between good advice and bad advice, because some of their advice could be bad. It's not coming from a religious perspective. So some of that advice could be bad, but reading and educating yourself and being enlightened so that you know how to do how do I deal with my child when he is rebellious? How do I deal with my child when he asks question, if my child has questions about Allah, the deity about the Prophet about religion

00:34:23--> 00:34:43

about how this is possible, not possible, I don't have the answers, where would I go for those answers? And I also should try to be ready. So I should demand or start or join workshops, workshops on parenting seminars on parenting, you know, developed islamically within Islamic institutions or within missed messages if they're not there, I asked for them.

00:34:44--> 00:34:53

But I tried to develop them or create something but I need to learn how to parents because without that, we're going to be committing a lot of mistakes, a lot of mistakes.

00:34:55--> 00:34:59

So for instance, you know that one story that I you know, I remembered they just this as we are talking about it

00:35:00--> 00:35:04

You know, see the relationship between Omar and even Omar

00:35:05--> 00:35:11

while the Allahumma and both of them are great Sahaba great Sahaba. So, in that

00:35:13--> 00:35:35

interaction where they're sort of lysyl Allahu wa sallam had asked the Sahaba there is a tree that resembles the believer. Which tree is that? And so the Sahaba said, you know, and Omar is narrating, he says, they went into every possible direction. Desert tree is this tree, that tree, and he says it's settled in my heart that it is the de tree.

00:35:36--> 00:35:40

But I didn't say anything because I was the youngest. I didn't say anything.

00:35:41--> 00:35:46

So then the Prophet sallallahu Sallam when they failed to come up with the answer, he said, it is the de tree and Nala.

00:35:47--> 00:36:16

So when they left and Omar was leaving with Omar Ali, Allah and who his father, he said, my father I had in my heart that it was that I said, if you were to say it, it would be more beloved to me than this and that. And it would have brought me a lot of joy. Better than you know, earning like better than a million dollars, if you will just have said that. So what is that story tell you is a very, very, very simple story. But what does it tell you? First of all, Omar took took his son were

00:36:17--> 00:36:59

to the prophets a lot to send them to sit and learn from him. That's the company that he kept. And that he was among the Sahaba listening even over. And then Omar, when he had heard from his son, that this is what I wanted to say did not did not tell him. Yeah, it's better that he didn't say anything. Okay, be quiet, because you're young and foolish. And he says, No, I wanted you to speak. So he had instilled in him, what are the Allahu anhu, this confidence, oh, you knew something that nobody else knew. Right? Nobody else knew. And that's similar also to the other story, where honorable hottub brings in new ambassadors after the death of rusada lies a lot to sell them. So has

00:36:59--> 00:37:41

this council and the council were all the elders of the Battle of beds, and he brings with them if not best, and best is very young, compared to them. And they're asking themselves, why do you bring in a bus among us? You know, and he is the same age as our children. So what what sets him apart from everybody else? This is our council, will you come and ask us when you bring him? And then here are the Allahu anhu asked him a question. If that must have Allah He will fit what I eat the nurse at Luna de de la vida. He says, What is the meaning of this? Are you telling me to the elders, they gave him the meaning, which is the literal meaning of the ayah. He said this, this says to him know

00:37:41--> 00:37:53

about you tell me what it means. He says this was a declaration of Allah to the prophets of Allah Azza wa sallam that when you see, envoys after envoys coming and embracing Islam, you're about to die.

00:37:54--> 00:38:21

He says, I only know from it what he knows. And I know what he said, is that exactly what I know about it. Meaning is this young boy who understood or knew something that all of you did not. That's why I bring him. That's why because I realized something in him. So that when a boy feels something like that, especially from his parents, that's very significant. So this is just an example of a story that you can read it, and you can imitate it.

00:38:22--> 00:38:48

You bring them to the masjid, you have them participate, you ask them questions, you know what the chef said, you know what the Imam said? And then if he answers, and the answer is right, and means that they were listening, and they were smart, and interested, you reward them for it verbally, and maybe Johnny with a gift, it stays, that thing will stay with them. Okay, so we have examples of Hamdulillah, but we need to learn them. Number five,

00:38:49--> 00:38:51

that you have to be the model

00:38:54--> 00:39:34

that the first one that the child is going to look at, to see what to do and what not to do is who is you, as parents, later on, the move may move on. And we also need to keep creating models for them and finding models for them. But you become the first model. And they're always looking at you. And it's so cute in the beginning, right as they follow everything that you're doing. The mother is wearing hijab, the daughter wants to wear hijab, exactly like the mother does. She's praying or he's praying, they want to pray exactly as you pray, even your strange movements before the Salah, after the Salah, and they're gonna imitate that as well because they're copying everything that you're

00:39:34--> 00:39:56

doing because you are everything to them at that point. And as they grow up, and they understand better they start comparing what you say to what you do. And they say that one of the main reasons why people leave faith, not talking about just Islam, but faith in general. Christianity, this or that is that they look at their parents and they see that their parents contradict

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

their teachings. You tell them

00:40:00--> 00:40:07

Pray and you don't pray. So the parents, the child notices any they're not stupid, they notice, this is not important.

00:40:08--> 00:40:41

Put hijab, but you're not putting hijab or you're not really careful about your hijab, not careful about your Salah, tell them to be honest with you like this, they see this. And they said, this is not important, because if it was important, they do it, they'd follow it, right? Because they're not doing it, they didn't have a sense of this is not important. So it doesn't matter how long you scream and how loud you scream, they already have been taught by you and me that this is not important. So they're not going to do it, they're not going to take you seriously. So if you contradict yourself, you're not a model anymore.

00:40:42--> 00:41:16

So you need to be a model. So when you say, Okay, I'm going to have parents, you've got to review your life, you got to review life and say, I want them to be like this, that I have to act like it. If I don't care, then that's different. But if you care, you have to add what you are preaching. And then we have to keep finding the models. Because at one point, they're going to outgrow you, they're going to still esteem you. But then they will need somebody else to say who is this other person. So if I'm not going to fill that vacuum, who are they going to select?

00:41:20--> 00:41:59

Someone else says there's a basketball player, right? with all their faults and flaws, or a rap singer with all their faults and flaws, or this, whatever I don't know with all their faults, and they're going to copy everything. And that becomes the role model role model and how they look how they taught how they live their life, and what they want to do with their lives. Because there's a vacuum, there's an emptiness. So you know, when I fill that emptiness, are you going to fill that emptiness? Not by screaming at them? Hey, he's not good. No, you need to positively fill it early on. So teach them about the sort of lives of lawyers and teach them about the Sahaba in an

00:41:59--> 00:42:40

attractive way, in a storytelling way, in an inspiring way, teaching about the early Muslims, or any other inspirational story, but where they will feel that this is a model for me, model of how am I supposed to live what I want to achieve in this life, etc, etc. So we need models and we need to find those models. And within even the community, you need living models, you need to find those living models, whether they are local or even global, but somebody who is alive you say, you follow you listen to you ask for advice, you ask questions, but someone who is living can actually inspire as well and who is a good model a good Muslim.

00:42:42--> 00:42:50

Number six, you need to engage your children and you need to engage their environment. So taking them to the masjid.

00:42:51--> 00:43:14

not waiting till they discover the message later on. Or you discover that they haven't discovered the masjid. So you drag them to it. They need to come to the masjid early on. And when they come to the masjid, by the way, you need to teach them the manners of coming to the masjid. And it's not a playground. I know some of some of these kids are very small, I understand. But some of them are of age, when they can behave.

00:43:16--> 00:43:44

And they need to understand when they're coming to the masjid. They're coming to a place that is special that needs to be respected and also enjoyed insha Allah but also to understand what was the sanctity of coming to the message not just like coming to a playground. And I'm coming also to learn something Allah azza wa jal is Rama is here. Do I is here is too far is here. If you want something from Allah, ask them and also reward them for it. But bring them to the masjid bring them to the study circles, bring them to the weekend school, etc, etc.

00:43:45--> 00:43:50

and engage them in terms of conversations about Islamic practices.

00:43:51--> 00:43:52

Why do we pray?

00:43:53--> 00:43:58

What's the importance of Salah watch a job? Why do we Why are we wearing Hijab?

00:43:59--> 00:44:10

Why do we believe in Allah as though to talk to them? Okay, you need to talk to them, you need to establish a bond with them. And you need in effect to befriend them

00:44:11--> 00:44:12

to be a friend of

00:44:13--> 00:44:42

the later on, they think it's too late for them to have their parents as their friends. That's fine. That's part of that rebellion, rebellious cause but at least in the beginning, you should be one of their friends. Not force yourself on them, but to be there. Okay, so they have problems, they should feel that they can come and talk to you about it. You can give them advice. You can take them out, for instance, to places that they like and you can enjoy that with them as well. Not that I'm busy all the time. And I know that we're busy that I think that we can find a little bit of time for them.

00:44:44--> 00:45:00

So finding time for them and engaging them and explaining to them what Islam is is fundamental. Also you engage their teachers, the principles that counselors understand what are they learning over there, how you can influence that learning process, steer it in a place

00:45:00--> 00:45:26

You would like it to go, how you can counter this something negative taking place over there, how can you counter that talk. So you need to be involved. If you're detached, you don't know what's happening. But the more that you talk, the more that you've armed yourself with information that will tell you Okay, this is what my son is going through at school. These, these are the problems. These are the possible solutions, and then you tackle them based on that information

00:45:27--> 00:45:47

and learn what's going on in their lives without prying. So always open those channels, channels of communication, tell me about your day, tell me about what what's bothering you, I'll give you advice. And you try insha Allah to do it in ways that which is number seven, respects them as the same time.

00:45:48--> 00:45:53

So one of the things I also want to tell people this is number seven, try to

00:45:55--> 00:46:06

in, you know, introduce or inject an element of respect. When you're dealing with your kids, you say but their kids, right? Is is no,

00:46:07--> 00:46:29

if you talk to them with respect, as you talk to an adult, and I know that they're not adults, but as you talk to an adult, make them feel responsible for these choices, make them understand consequences, make them understand why things should or should not be done, and that they will feel those consequences, and sometimes giving them a choice.

00:46:31--> 00:46:37

Should we do this? Or should we do that? Do you think it's wise for a person to do this and have them think and come up with their own

00:46:39--> 00:47:04

opinion and judgment about an issue, they will feel respected and empowered, as well. And you will develop their personality, rather than always telling them do this and do that, yelling it, eat this, don't eat that, just by yelling, dress this way, don't dress like that without a conversation. But if you initially can have a conversation with them, why this is not appropriate, early on,

00:47:06--> 00:47:15

and why we Muslims would not would dress like this and what is wrong with it and have them realize it and give them examples and parallels, so that they'll

00:47:16--> 00:47:53

end with those young minds understand what you're talking about, then they'll be able to relate to you. And they'll feel that you respect them. So as they are growing, you continue to talk to them like this, and you continue to respect them. But if you're basically yelling, yelling, yelling all the time, and demanding and not listening to them all the time, they'll tune you out as if the as you've tuned them out, as you've not never listened to them, but also start not listening to you. Because they don't He doesn't listen to me anymore at all. So why would I listen to them? responsibility,

00:47:54--> 00:47:57

giving them responsibility, housework, right?

00:47:59--> 00:48:06

That is don't spoil your kids. But make them responsible, make them understand what it means to earn $1 and spend $1.

00:48:07--> 00:48:33

Some of the people subpanel love will rebel against their parents, and they give them hard time. They do so because the parents spend on them day and night and they don't have to do anything. And they have not learned what it means to labor and earn $1 what it means to be on your own what it means to live on the outside. What it means to be really free, you want to be free, go out and be free, and see what the world is going to do to you. They don't understand what it means. So responsibility.

00:48:34--> 00:48:40

That is study. And once you study, you have chores at home, you need to clean

00:48:41--> 00:48:57

you need to mop is that so outrageous. Take out the garbage, you have housework to do. And sometimes also you need to maybe you know, if you want to buy something, you earn it. You earn the money and you buy it, then you'll understand what it means.

00:48:59--> 00:49:03

So I mean, I brought to you the example of the Japanese culture before one of the things that they have

00:49:04--> 00:49:22

is kids as young as a low atom, let's see, maybe six, I think right around that. I don't know if it's five, but they just are so tiny and maybe six. They teach them to go and go to school on their own when they're six.

00:49:23--> 00:49:58

So you can see that in the video, right? So that that is so so cute, right? They have their backpacks, and they leave the house by and they close the door and the mother closes the door and they go down the stairs. They walk, walk, walk and you think is just close by right. It's not close by they go on they take the train or the subway, it's safe. But they know how to buy a ticket, how to sit, how to wait for the station, how to get off and how to walk and along the way. They're thanking everybody along the way. That's teaching them responsibility. It's a very, very young age. You're going to take care of that thing.

00:50:00--> 00:50:10

So teaching people responsibility is very important because as you grow up you your responsibilities are only going to increase and you're not going to be spoiled and overindulged.

00:50:11--> 00:50:17

Nine is learning Islam, teaching them Islam and this is a given. This is a given that you need to teach them Islam.

00:50:19--> 00:50:57

Some people can homeschool not everybody can. Some people can send their kids to Islamic schools. Not everybody can and they're not always the greatest. And some people will have to send their kids to public school, whatever the choice, whatever is available, you need to make sure that they're learning Islam. If it's not happening in their school, it should happen at home and in the masjid. And it should also happen in a way where they understand why they're doing things right. So it's great great to memorize the Quran and understand its meaning as vital as they understand its meaning understand the sooner understand the Sierra these basic things they need to do that, of course, but

00:50:57--> 00:51:00

also in a way that makes them love a lot zoa Jen,

00:51:02--> 00:51:19

love his profits will allow us a lemon understand why they're doing these things? Why are we praying? Why are Do we have the hijab on? Why is it that we only eat halal? Why don't you not eat pork? Why is it that we don't drink these things need to be tackled, and needs to be addressed when you are learning.

00:51:21--> 00:51:51

And you need also for you, yourself, you need to learn these things so that you'd be able to help them Islamic environment, also providing that Islamic environment as much as possible. So friends, who are their friends, so if you can find them, Muslim friends, Muslim families that they can redirect to, they can come to the masjid in Islamic school where they can find friends, that is fundamental. And a lot of times it's that is what makes the difference. It can teach and teach and teach, but they don't have friends. And they befriend the wrong person, and they take them away.

00:51:52--> 00:52:31

Or they befriend the right person. And they bring them closer to Allah as urgent. So you need friends, if they're not available, look for them and make do out for them finding good hobbies? Because there's a lot of time, what are they going to do? So what hobbies Can you find? Where can you take them? What can we build, so that they can invest their time wisely and not have it be a curse, and a detriment to them. Family visits if you can connect with families or extended families so they can be connected with them, if you can visit Muslim countries periodically, and I understand that that's not always available. And it's not possible, but when it is possible, and you can spend

00:52:31--> 00:52:57

really some time long time in a Muslim country, it makes a difference. Just from a cultural perspective, it will make them better. But also from an Islamic perspective, they'll see something different. And they know that there's a different way to view the world and they will understand that I belong not only here, but I also belong elsewhere. And Islam is practiced. And it's appreciated. So I don't mean I need to be ashamed of it.

00:52:58--> 00:52:59

Right.

00:53:00--> 00:53:32

So an Islamic and then in semi calm, which which is the small Islamic country here, your Islamic home, your home needs to be Islamic as possible, with the then playing with the recitation of the Koran with you know, mentioning Allah azzawajal, cetera, et cetera. And the more than one, the more that you have of it, the more that they will feel connected to Allah azza wa jal, even if after a while, even if they rebel leave, and come back, they'll still have that with them, because that's their first exposure to Islam. Number 11 is you need to learn to give them some space,

00:53:33--> 00:54:14

there's gonna come a time, where you can tell them what to do, it's very difficult, it can command them. So you need to give them some space for them to find out what they want to do. Keep making do out for them, keep making you keep, keep giving them advice, but be selective. And the more that you push, and you realize with some kids, and some points in their life, the more that you push, the more that they would run away. The more that you give advice, the more that they turn deaf ears to them. So you have to learn that sometimes you must allow them What if it had reached that stage, you must allow them to commit their own mistakes, they have to commit their own mistakes, they have to

00:54:14--> 00:54:53

realize what they're going to lose if they're not going to follow a lot of their loves and only then when they realize that then they will come back. Okay, so sometimes the space is important so sometimes respected respect their space, they're not ready for to be lectured all the time. Hey, read the Koran. What are you doing, you know, put this down and read the Koran put this down and read the Koran don't please don't read the Koran. That's not really the best way for you to motivate a person to read the Quran, which is like punishment, right? No, do this. Okay. And we'll read the Koran together. Okay, make it like a reward making like a fun activity making time where you connect

00:54:53--> 00:54:59

quality time where you connect with them not punishment that they dread. As soon as I'm done with it. handler I can go and play my game.

00:55:00--> 00:55:37

That's so the Koran becomes like schoolwork. Okay, you don't, you don't enjoy that. So you want to make the Quran something that touches their heart, try also to develop for them in sha Allah a vision for their life, not imposing on them one, not like, oh, what do you want to be a doctor or doctor, then you want to be a doctor, then the rest of your life, you're just, you know, grooming them to be a doctor. And they don't want to be but he's just you have to be because I am a doctor, you got to be a doctor, I couldn't be a doctor. So you have to be a doctor, right? either this or that? No, it says, What do you want to be in life and try to develop this ambition and vision and

00:55:37--> 00:56:07

even the idea of, say, nobility that I want to do something great. I want to achieve greatness and feed that greatness. You want to be this insha Allah and try to be this and try to be that because this will give them a motivation. And I believe that my parents believe in me and want to push me to be this. They don't want me to waste they don't believe them. I'm a failure. No matter what happens. Never ever make them feel that they're a failure. No, you can overcome you can be better. I believe in you. I trust in You. Allah has given you talents. None of these things are lies.

00:56:08--> 00:56:42

A lot given you talents. But if they make a mistake, okay, don't cover it up. Don't spoil them. Oh, no, no, it's okay. You did not know that was a mistake. This was wrong. But you can fix it. Okay, and life is going to challenge you. And life is going to put you down and there will be setbacks. But in sha Allah, if you trust in Allah and you have enough patience, you'll be able to overcome Okay, so sometimes when it is their fault, they need to understand that is their fault. Develop a vision in their life. And as I said, the last thing is, do not spoil them.

00:56:43--> 00:57:20

What do you want? I'm just going to lunch I'm not going to be done in a minute. What is it that you want you on games? Here are games do you want to eat his food? Do you want to travel here's that you want to allow us He is this? And then later on when they grow up to be ungrateful you wonder how because you've given them everything and he did not demand anything from them. No responsibility he didn't teach them there is no moral component to your teaching and your relationship you basically are just giving your your like a bank machine to them. And they're expecting that from you. And they're annoyed by you when you demand anything from them. So that's an imbalanced parenting. No,

00:57:20--> 00:57:51

you teach them the value of money, choose them the teaching the value of their life, they show the value of their time and teach them that they have something great that they should achieve in their lives and how to deal with frustrations and setbacks. Okay. So this is hamdulillah I was able to cram everything inshallah in the allotted time. So, if there's one quick question insha Allah I can answer it or if you have any feedback after the Salah Of course I'd be happy to receive it inshallah. Any quick questions before the Salah

00:57:53--> 00:57:55

everything was covered and everything is clear.

00:57:56--> 00:58:03

Okay, inshallah you can just I can law Hara Subhana Allah obey Him the shadow under the stuff it'll go into boutique.