Before You Say I Do – EP23

To failing the dean from this forever beach

out of the lamina shaytani r rajim Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah In the Name of Allah, the Compassionate, The Most Merciful. All praise is due to Allah and made his peace and blessings be upon our beloved prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. We begin by greeting our brothers and sisters as well as our viewers out there say assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

We're talking about compatibility last time, and we spoke about the areas where we need to be compatible. And we have listed Why did we put attraction out there as the number one area where we need to be compatible? And we said that we were going to talk in more details about attraction. And we defined attraction as having a positive response to a person beyond friendship. It's not that we're just interested in knowing them. It's not just interested in being their friends or companions. No, we want more than this. And that is the beginning of what we call a romantic love or a romantic involvement. There are two types of attractions, there is a physical attraction, and then

there is an emotional attraction. And earlier somebody has suggested that when we speak of attraction, why is it that most of the time we speak only of physical attraction? No, that's what the media tells us. Remember, the first day, or maybe the first few episodes, we spoke about? What are the non personal factors that shape our understanding regarding male female relationship, and we said that the media was one of them. And it seems like every time we speak about attraction, we are talking about a very specific type of physical attraction, that is very lustful, that happens to be very physical, that happens to be very sexual in nature. Now, yes, that type of attraction needs to

be there. But it cannot be the only attraction. Remember, we said do not give into lust, do not only be attracted to the outer appearance of the person. And we said, if you are only in love, was the outer beauty of the person and not the inner beauty of the person, then that is a recipe for disaster, you must be able to see the inner beauty of the person. And many times we fail to see the inner beauty of the people who are around us, we're just consumed only by the physical attraction of the people. Many times people are in love with movie stars, men and women. And we really don't know anything about them. But they have been presented to us in a very attractive way, especially when it

comes to their physical appearance. And people just love this. And they are presented to us as the paradigm, the yardstick the criterion for an appreciating beauty. When we speak about physical attraction. This is what happens when your body reacts to another person. And some of us have, you know, somewhere sometime in our lives, they've experienced part of this, your heart rate increases, the temperature goes up, your palms get sweaty, you feel butterflies in your stomach, your throat tightens, and you don't know what just happened to you, you were fine all along. Now that you've seen this person, all these things are happening to you. And we refer to this as the most

superficial of loves, on one level, but one of the most powerful on another eight represents the first contact. You'll know what I'm talking about. Do we have any brave souls that say I remember feeling that way before? Yeah, I remember that happened to me before she passed by and I was speechless, and I didn't know what to do. Obviously, oh my god, oh my god, she's coming. She's coming Oh, okay. But that is the idea of being physically attracted to us. Remember, this physical attraction is very important people. This is really like we said, this is the very first contact. This is the excitement that we feel when the person that we like happens to be there. In fact, many

times we may not know the person but this is what happens to us. This is how we feel. And at that point, it spices up the relationship.

And one thing about physical attraction, it must be there and we keep referring to the Hadees of jabber rhodiola horns jabber Abdullah when we came to the process Salaam and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam asked jabber What happened? He said I got engaged and he said, Have you seen the woman and jabber said I have not seen the woman and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, you better see her. Okay. Now why does he say you better see her simply to establish something like this to establish physical attraction. It is very important that we get married to people that we are physically attracted to. It should not be the only reason but it must be there. One of the

problems that we really do not speak about but it really is there and when you are a

counseling. This happens a lot is problems that take place in the bedroom. People do not like to speak about it. Here's what happens if you're not emotionally involved with the person. And then even at the end of the day, there is literally no excitement going on in the bedroom. Why do you want to be with that person? Why would you want to be with that person? So the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would openly and honestly, address issues like this told you the story of the man who came to the Prophet philos alum, out the woman she came and she, you know, complained that her husband was impotent. In Mohali, there is the story of Abu Ahmed the logo, salmonella, faricy,

salmonella, Pharisees passing by, and he sees a mother that she is wearing very shabby clothes. And he said, What happened to you? You're a married woman. And she said, You know, it's out there that he's praying all night long, and he is fasting all day long. So Selman came, and he said, I hear that this is what's going on with you. Is that the case? That said, Yes, this is the case. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi. wasallam said, he said, You have rights towards your family, you have rights toward your own self, and what have you. One of my favorite stories is a story that took place between a woman and

a woman was sitting or Mr. Watanabe, were talking when a woman came in, and she said, I've got a complaint about my husband. I said, What is it said, Mr. My husband is praying all night long, and he's fasting all day long. So say mama said, Oh, fortunate of a woman you are. So she kept quiet. And then she said, Mr. You know, my husband is praying all night long, and he's fasting all day long. And I'm I said, I wish all the Muslim men would like that.

So the woman said, you know, my husband is praying all night long, and he's fasting all day long. And Emma said, he is indeed a person that we need to meet, that she's quiet for a while. And then she said, You know, my husband is praying all night long. And he is fasting all day long. And I said, Let's meet him. and obey is sitting there. He said, The woman is complaining about her husband, and obey Him, niqab and armor, they go, and they speak to the man. But physical attraction must be there. I once had a couple that came for counseling. And by the way, all the couples that I tell you about, these are Muslim people. They came in, they've been married for over six months. But

nothing has happened between them. No intimate relationship took place between them. So I am talking to them. And both of them, you know, I've just young people, very well educated. And it seems like nothing is happening. So I asked to speak to them separately. And it seems like it was the man that was approaching the woman, but the woman was not responding. So I said, You know, I see your husband is, you know, a good looking man. He's young, he's clean, what is going on? She said, I married him, because my mom really wanted me to marry this person. But I am not attracted to him what so ever. He does not excite me in the least bit of ways. And I just cannot even force myself in accepting

something like this. And it was already six months in their marriage, and it was not getting any better. She leaves, the husband comes in, and I said, what's going on. And he tells me about for the past six months, he is trying to approach his wife, and she is just responding to him. And he's feeling so inadequate at this point, he feels that something is wrong with him. And he told me that, you know, I am thinking of killing myself. It's a sad story. Alhamdulillah, he did not do so. But sometimes when we ignore the obvious, we're not being very smart. We are not being very smart. When we ignore the obvious. This is something that needs to be there. physical attraction is a must.

Because remember what we spoke about the other day, the need to love and to be loved and have that enhanced by, you know, the intimate relationship that we have with the other person, if I am not attracted to them, how can I have that type of intimacy? You have people that complain, you know, seems like not my husband does not really want me and my wife does not really want me, I do not excite them. They're not excited by me. So physical attraction isn't most people. And by the way, when we meet people, almost the very first thing that we find out about them is, are we physically attracted to them? Or are we not physically attracted to them? you all agree with what I'm talking

about? The minute we meet a person, we immediately know almost immediately, they don't even have to open their mouth. Right? They don't have to say a word. We immediately know whether we are physically attracted to these people, or we are not physically attracted to them. And you know, what happens was physical attraction is something that if it's not there, we cannot develop.

This sounds harsh people

But pay attention to it. If it is not there, there is nothing that you can do to push yourself to be physically attracted to that person, you'll know what I'm talking about. It's either there or it is not there. And if it is not there, you cannot push it. You cannot push it. The media keeps bombarding us with images of people, men and women, or you know, this is the definition of beauty. But then what happens? The media tells us that you need to be 120, maximum 125 if you are a woman, you need to be 510 511 in order for us to consider you to be worthy. But you know what, what happens if I weighed 200 pounds? Allah has blessed me with all the meat that you see on me.

What happens to me then what are my chances of this, and that is why we say, remember what we said about the influence of the media, we can reject, but we cannot escape. The media does not only sell us products, the media sells his ideas. The media sells us definitions. The media sells us ideologies, y'all know what I'm talking about. So it has sold us an idea, you know, a representation of beauty, supposedly, in India, who's the most beautiful girl? Is she a movie star somewhere out there? That does commercials, they use her looks to sell products? Isn't that the case? Is that what they do? But what happens if I don't look like that? What about the men? Do they have a definition

of a handsome man? They're usually tall, they're usually well built. They're usually not very well rounded as I am, if you know what I mean. And what happens is that now we are being sold ideas about what is beautiful, about who is handsome. You know, this has become such a big problem in the US that almost almost at this point that the most performed 30 years are becoming plastic surgery. Because we've been told that we're not adequate enough. We're not beautiful enough. We must do something to our appearance in order to add value to who we are. But then if our value to ourselves comes only from our appearance, then again we are in deep trouble. We will continue with this top

and inshallah when we come back please don't go away. We will be back momentarily.

salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

And thank you for joining us. Again, we are talking about attraction and we are talking about physical attraction. And we left off saying that now one of the most performed surgeries is plastic surgery. I once bought a book, it was called the Bible beauty and what the Bible beauty speaks about his all the different kind of plastic surgeries you can perform on yourself. And the way the Bible beauty book was said, is that it speaks about the neck up, what can you do on yourself from the neck up? What can you do, you can get a nose job, you can get a job done on your lips, you can have your chin, what you can do something about your chin, if it's too flat, what you can do, you can put the

feeling if it's too long, what can you do, you can actually trim it, you can do something about your jaw, you can do something about your cheeks, you can do something about your eyelashes, your eyebrows, you can do something about your ears, they might be you know, too pointy. They look like you know the Soccer World Cup handles on the side, you know. So, there is so much all you can do something you can do a facelift, you can do something about your forehead, you can let all the wrinkles go away, you can do a necklace, there is so much that you can actually do that is just to speak in from the you know, from the neck up. Funny. One of the most performed plastic surgeries

nowadays, for example, in South Korea, you know what it takes place in your mouth, what they do is that there is a piece of meat under our tongue, and they want to speak English in an American accent. And they say that the most difficult letter to pronounce in the American accent is what the T and the R say in all accents are is our car. You know you roll it. Concentration contribution, you roll the car, but not if you speak American English, the our sounds different. So people want to perfect it. So what are they doing nowadays, they're getting a plastic surgery performed on them. In India, in the call centers, they call them they just came up with what they call the accent

reduction device, where you speak into them and the accent reduction device. It cleans up your accent so that when it comes on the other side, your accent is not as heavy as the other people. You'll know what I'm talking about. So we have limited physical attraction, and we have been given definitions about physical attraction, but remember this by the end of the day

They, we really do need to be attracted to the other person. You see the importance of this. And sadly, when we are not physically attracted to the person, what that does is that it just takes away from what potentially can our relationship become? Well, you know, what, go into the bedroom does not really become exciting. And many people have said that, you know, what, I have really been with my wife or I have been with my husband. But honestly speaking, I don't know what it means like to be with a woman, or what it means like to be within that. It is just we do it simply because we just do it. So Islam, there's a speak about this point, you know, I had some other slides that speak about

this topic, even though they come from Muslim sources, but they were a bit you know, too graphic. And sometimes we're not used to hear about these things from Muslim sources as if the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not speak about it, as if the scholars did not address that issue. But we know for example, the Hadith of the prophets of Salaam when he said, one of you should not be like a beast, where they come and they sleep with their wives, they get their own passion satisfied, but they really don't care if their wives have achieved the same or not. And the other Hadees he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said, Salah through Minal z, three things are often a sign of a man's

weakness, meaning here, weakness is, you know, mind weakness. And one of it is a person who comes fulfills his desires, but really is careless, whether the other person has achieved that or not. And I know if I may be a little more honest with you, some people have come to counseling, and they said, We didn't know what it means to be sexually excited, simply because we are neither attracted to this person. And they're just not exciting. As we know, we have heard about it, we feel that it's out there. But we ourselves personally, we have never experienced what that feels like these problems may come into marriage, this is not a time bomb, this is not a problem that takes some time

to take place. But rather, this is the problem that can immediately almost impacts. It is so bad, that when people are not fulfilled in this way, they go out seeking it outside of their marriages. That is not what we want people. One thing and I will conclude with this in sha Allah is remember this, Islam is not against it, but rather Islam is for it. The Hadees of jabber is very clear. In fact, the scholars have spoken about, you know, well, how does one See, and how does one enhance the physical attraction to the person and they said, they must see them, you must see them and develop and enhance that physical attraction to them. Now remember this, you just don't go and just keep

staring at people. That is not what is meant when you have considered a person when you have asked about them. Now, that's when you go, and you know what you want to enhance that physical attraction part to these people. But denying it means that we are denying that which is obvious. And when we do so, we are not being very smart, but we are being very delusional, because physical attraction in a marital relationship is a must be. And let us not kid ourselves about it. And let us not convince ourselves. Otherwise, a woman came to counseling. It was a workshop like this. So she came in, she approached the counselor afterwards, and she said, how important is having a healthy sexual

relationship in marriage? And the counselor said, it is very, very important. And the woman said, Oh, I think sexual relations in a marriage are just overrated. And she left and she was very angry. And then a friend approached the counselor and said, Sorry, but we know about this woman and we know about her problem with her husband. They haven't had any relationship for the past 10 years. People can come in and say, Oh, it's just overrated. No, it's not overrated. Talking about it is overrated, you know selling it is overrated, what is the reality that is out there? With this, I conclude inshallah, and now we can open the floor for questions and answers, inshallah, rather than after

marriage, sometimes these, you know, the interaction, the sexual interaction fades away with the passage of time. So what can comment on this? Yes, that's a good question. It happens to be that maybe physical attraction is initially there. But then after a while, you know, it becomes old fashion and people are not as excited about each other as they used to be. And that is very true. And that is when, you know, the period of infatuation fades away, that heated moment fades away, and then what continues with the relationship, what motivates the relationship at that point, real love, and that's when we start

Developing a mature and real love. Initially it was that point of infatuation and just being obsessed with it, and the sexual heat that is taking place. But once people once that fades away, what else attracts me to you, because it will eventually really fade away. But then what will keep us together at that point, and that is when mature love settles in. And that's why we said real love takes time. Remember, we said this real love takes time? Yes, brother, supposedly, you're entering into a commitment and you're asking those enough questions and you're making it a point that you undergo that you're in that trying period in that, you know, four months or let's say to one month

period, you're asking enough questions, you're coming into contact and you are you experience you try to experience physical attraction all and all other things. And supposedly you find something in them or, like, you don't want it which is incompatible. And you think now it's a no, I cannot go with this person. And then you go for the second person. So it's this habit, like this culture like trying now you you went for the first person and then now you do it with the second person. Like is it under the guidelines of Islam? People? Is there a rule or a law that says that you must marry the very first person that proposes to you? No, not exactly you are. But then you're asking you're

spending time with a person Why? Why am I spending time with that person? Why am I talking to that person to know if I'm ending up with Mr. Right or ending up with Mr. Wrong so what happens if I end up with Mr. Wrong? What do I do? I move on, right? I say Well, you know what, you really look like a Mr. Right. But you are definitely a Mr. Wrong on my dictionary. So I am moving on. You meet somebody else. And that's somebody else you go through the same process. And they happen to be Mr. Truong again, what do you do? I can't have Mr. Wrong back to back. Oh, let's just go along with that. But you don't do this. Remember the example that we gave about people going to the tomatoes, you pick up

the first one? And if it's not good, what do you do? When you pick up another bad one? Do you feel bad and say, Oh, you know, the store is probably going to lose money. If you don't do that. What do you do? You say I am paying money. And I want a good product because I'm paying money. Similarly, when you are about to get into a marital relationship, here I am deciding who is going to be the partner of my life, I bet and make a good choice. And if that good choice means that you know what? The first person is out because they were really not good. Here you are. You speak to somebody and then you find out that they're drunk and they're alcoholic. What would a reasonable woman do? What

would she do? reject him? She speaks to another one. And he happens to be a womanizer. What do you do? You don't say I can't have this. I can't have this going on. No, it means that you are paying attention and handler you are catching it on time. And that is why you are not falling into it. So a person should not feel guilty about this. Okay. And with this, we come to the conclusion of this part of our program, we promise we will carry on with the same subject next time we meet in sha Allah. As always, we look forward to your emails, your questions, and you may do so by emailing us at Yasser faza at peace tv.org until we meet next time, we say so long and assalamu aleikum wa

rahmatullah wa barakato.