Before You Say I Do – EP16 – PT 2

be seen as man and wife, fulfilling Bismillah R Rahman r Rahim. Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

And welcome back to before you say I do, and we are discussing some warning signs. So what warning signs Did you ignore? Or what potential warning signs Did you ignore? Okay, so what are some of these warning signs? Remember the questions that we asked to that person? While they avoid discussing their past? They don't say anything about their past? Well, why are they not saying anything about their past? Why are they avoiding talking about their families? Why do they avoid talking about their schooling? Why do they give you an example, this guy gets married to a girl, believe me, this is a story that I know of personally. And he tells the family of the girl, that he

is a medical doctor.

And they come to the US after they get married, to only find out that the guy is not a doctor. He's not a doctor, Assistant. He is not a nurse. He is not a nurse assistant. He is the assistant of the nurse assistant. But yet he came there and he said that he was a doctor. Now, why don't people ask, you know, how do you qualify something like this? Do you call around? And you ask, so what does such and such person do? And people will tell you what they do. I know another family. The guy goes there. And he tells the family that he is a pilot, pilot that's really exciting. You get free tickets. You go all over the world with me, I am a pilot, only to find out that the guy was a clerk.

Now had he said that he's a clerk. There is nothing wrong with being a clerk. There is nothing wrong with being an assistant for the assistant of the nurse. There is nothing wrong with that. But why lie? Not only why lie, but why wasn't that verified? Why didn't people know whether this was a lie? Or it was not a lie? Or people will not reveal details about their family? So where is your family? Oh, you know, they're around? Where? Oh, here and there. Yeah, but where was summer here in summer? The air? Yes. But when? Why are they not giving a very direct answer to a very direct question. So how many brothers and sisters do you have? Well, a few here and few there. Yeah. But so what happens

is that you want to know what happens to that. Remember about the frequent flirting and staring at others the story of the person at the other restaurant, that's a warning sign, do not ignore that warning, sign, anger a pastor relations, or they feel like a victim credit problems and shaky finances? These are all issues to say, you know, when you see a potential sign, it does not mean that you say no, it just means that you know what, I've got some feelings about this. And I really need to visit this this issue more.

Let us inshallah do some questions before we come to the conclusion of this part of our program.

meeting a good person does not necessarily mean that the person is compatible. How do we looking for compatibility? Yes, we do have a whole section on compatibility. We have not forgotten that part of the program in Sharla. Okay,

brother, how do we detect a liar? A person might have just the correct answers for all the questions. Yes, that is very true people. A person may have the correct answer for almost everything, and some people are really good at it. Some people are really, really good at it. We must do our homework. We must do our homework. Now remember, how do you get to know a person? Well, one part of it is that you ask them directly. But also you ask about them as well. When people buy a car, what do they do? They go and they test drive the car, they look into it. But they also do what? They look into the reviews of the car, at least for those who have access to the internet. That's

what they do. They asked people who have owned discard before and they say, Well, you know, how does that car drive? they asked mechanics who have worked on that car, are the parts expensive? Are the parts cheap? Is the service all that expensive? How is that but people do their homework. Similarly, people need to do their homework about this. And I must also add, when people ask us people, let's be honest, let us be honest, it is so sad that sometimes people say you know this person was a drunk, everybody knows, but nobody said anything to us. Have you ever heard something like this? People know the person. They knew them to be bad people. They knew them to be frequenting places

where they did not need to frequent and everybody was quiet about it. Oh, I don't want to take the problem. I don't want to bear the responsibility. I do isn't had this other

Prophet sallahu wa salam says, We're either still soccer fans or Hello. And if they come and they ask for sincere advice, what do you do? You give them a sincere advice. Sometimes that's physical, if a girl comes to you, and she's very excited about this guy that proposes to her, and she's happy, and she just cannot sit still, because he's just jumping up and down. Here comes Mr. Right to me, and you know that Mr. Wright is really strong. You're going to break somebody's heart when you tell them. But I would rather that you tell them now than you do wait for it later on and say, Well, you know, we knew about it. But why didn't you say anything.

So you have got to say this people, you owe to them, they came to you, that is part of our Islamic responsibility. If you feed, and if you know information about this person, and you've been approached, and you've been asked, you better share it with the people. Don't let them be victimized because somebody is a good liar. But we must do our homework. I tell you what time

this brother proposes to a girl. And the brother happened to be from overseas, and the sister was local in the US. So the father of the girl, he asked all the questions about the man. And then he said, Do me a favor, I need to go and visit your family overseas. I need to see for myself. I am about to give my daughter away. I want to know whom am I giving my daughter away to? And he went overseas, and he spent 10 days with that family. He asked the neighbors he went around. I mean, there is only so much that he can do but at least do that much. And he went and that's what he did. Still, people may still lie, but at least you feel that you know what, I have done everything that

was possible. But unfortunately, these people were con artists. And at that point, I cannot blame you.

last two months on the same slide, victimized and shaky credit situation. Both the situation can be worked on, isn't it FPV optimized, according to you, this can be worked on. Is this a problem? No. What I said is that about these warning signs is that this is a warning. Okay? Which means that you know what this requires more attention. This is not saying that dismiss the person. But you want to know what is going on? Is this shaky finances? Is it due to irresponsibility? Are they only financially irresponsible or they are irresponsible? In all other areas of their lives? Did they see these what I'm saying? Okay, so that's what a warning sign means? It means that I need to

investigate this area more, I need to find more about this person. This is a red flag for me. And I'm going to look into it a little more. That's what we mean when we say that this is a warning sign.

Good. Question is, how long do we need to get to know about the person? That's a good question people? How long does it take to get to know a person? How long? See it all depends on what it is that you want to know about the person? Okay? How long does it take to know a person everyday a person does something new, every day a person reveals something about themselves. So it is about what is it that we want to know? And that is why we say in Islam, you don't need to know everything about the person, what do you need to know, you need to know enough about the person to consider them, either that they are potential partners for life, or they are not potential partners for life.

So if you ask the right question, if you are able to observe them in a good social setting, if you are able to gather the information about them, there is really no formula that fits all. Some people have gotten married after three weeks after they have met each other. Some people have done it after three months, some people have done it after three years. So there is really no formula that fits all. But you need to know enough about the person. And you also need to know enough about the person in different circumstances. Sometimes people can mask many things. But when you put them in different circumstances, you are able to know more about them. So it's not necessarily the how long

it is rather about what do you know about them? And what do you want to know about them? that really matters, not the how long part of it. You'll see in the Indian context, like normally the guy's family goes over to the girl's family's house and asks questions the first time before any commitment is made. And then if he rejects the girl, so it's kind of insulting for the girl time and over again. So can there be any solution for this? I mean, where does the meeting happen? And where do we get the chance to meet rather than go to the girl's house and say no to her? You know, remember, these are all you know, cultural aspects and some people some cultures have different ways

of initiating that process celebrating the whole idea of marriage. And Islam does not come with a specific formula. And that is part of the layout of who so that you may identify and know each other. And that's the beauty of the fact that in Islam,

We have the flexibility of celebrating our own individual cultures where we're not asked all to become Arabs or all to become Indians or what have you. So depending on the culture, so for example, it is common that people go, and they inquire about the girl. And that's why I say, have the guy and the girl see each other. For example, what we do in the message is that somebody is interested in seeing a system. So we say before you initiate a process so that nobody's heart is broken, or nobody feels that they have been rejected, have them see each other. And they really don't know that the other person is interested in them, if you can help it, and then say, Well, you know what, the

person that you met earlier, would you be considering them? Would you think that you might be interested in talking to them? So what's important is that initially, there must be physical attraction. And by the way, we will talk more about this in detail, but the initial physical attraction must be there. If there is no physical attraction, physical attraction is one of the things that we really cannot develop for the other person, you are either attracted to them or you are not attracted to them. If you are not physically attracted to them. There is really no point of going any further at that point. But we will talk more about this insha Allah, that all the time

that we have for this part of our program, very grateful that you have joined us. And as always, we look forward to your comments and your questions. And your remarks are you may do so at Yasser faza at peace tv.org until we meet next insha Allah who say so long and Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.