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Marriage And Relationships (Q&A)

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Yassir Fazaga

Channel: Yassir Fazaga

Episode Notes

Lecture

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Some long running.

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So here I have the same

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we are facing

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this very important portion.

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And this whole, this presentation a workshop that we won't be able to get through because just linky. And I think it really deserves

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what I was thinking

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is, we'll we'll announce this

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coming Friday, I don't know, how many of you do Friday night, Friday night.

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Because

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so because if you've ever seen that, in any of the emails, it's Friday family program, Fridays family program.

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And basically, not next Friday, it's Friday, schedule, the following Friday, we'll do a follow up session, because the very important portion that we won't be able to get through is really marriage. But the fifth aspect of marriage is kind of dry, but people need to know their rights and their obligations, and they need to pay attention to their obligations, more than their rights, because I keep repeating this

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is not going to ask you about your rights. But rather the questioning will be about your duties, and your obligations, whether you have fulfilled them or not. So many

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people go home and say,

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you know, their husbands

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this

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was for you. And

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he said,

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so we really remember it, we're not here to

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give each side, you know, the ammunition that they need to attack.

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And on the other side,

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here to

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to help men I tell you

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always hear this, these things.

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Here in society 90% of college graduates and others, in their 50% of them end up getting divorce. Right now, we always try and our Muslim communities only at the lowest divorce rates, we have the lowest domestic violence,

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you know, issues.

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There are many factors involved in that. But the truth is, the truth of the matter is that we actually don't have lower

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divorce rates, we don't really know we don't have statistics and studies or whatever to even

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communicate now are showing very alarming divorce rates

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32 to 35% 40% said 35%. You know, and maybe this was a study that was done, that was concluded five years ago, maybe by now is somewhere around 40% that means are four out of every 10 marriages in the divorce and then more sports and it just gets under and I tell you that he loves being in the moment for about 10 years.

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This used to be

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they are the you know what is amazing actually programmed to advise the community really to to push forward we need more of those empower

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motivational sessions that will help us communicate better and leave each other.

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So the part that is concentrated on the 50 aspect rights and obligations according to the different schools of thought the shovel will follow up on that because it's important for people to know that because it's

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As lack of knowledge, when it comes to those issues caused a lot of problems, people don't know, what are their rights and what are their obligations. So the brothers may call it what it is our obligation islamically, to cook for me and to clean the house. According to the majority of days, to the strongest, she's actually volunteering and she is donating her time. And her effort is part of her good oral obligation to make an agenda. But it is not really a duty.

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This could be surprising. My point is reminiscences don't know the rights of the husband. So this is very critical. Again, please focus on your obligation that you're doing. Because if you're really serious about

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leasing a lots of Hamlet and fulfilling the purpose for which was really in this fight, which is

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you would focus on your obligations and duties, again, alone asked me about them and the nature, not necessarily about the rights. In fact, you may be rewarded for giving up or not really demanding some of yours. Just keep that in mind.

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So

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we have many areas to cover, and many issues to really discuss with our guest speakers.

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I attended, I had the privilege actually one of us, she asked me to school together.

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And we were roommates. And I remember, he was much much slimmer and and he was a fine and

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well has.

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We've had some fun together.

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But what happened is, you know, we came to this home state, California to the east coast. So we were apart for about

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one day, we were both invited to a conference where we both spoke.

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And it was titled remember

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correctly. It was titled prophetic goddess

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and conflict resolution, something like that. Preventive steps conflict resolution.

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It was actually it was one of the best I've ever heard. Right? Amazing how many that have been to those communication and conflict resolution

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techniques, you know, methods, it's really has techniques don't really work a lot of people, a lot of systems, a lot of us look for techniques simply were another three to get over the techniques don't work. I'm gonna send something that is very keyboard, remember this connection, finding the connection, we know rights or obligations in most cases, but we don't create a connection between our behavior. So in that suggests,

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his wife is like giving him a lot.

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He always does.

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you show us?

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What's the six C's?

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And I have a question. You mentioned communication and consideration. Not one of those. One of those complaints that I hear a lot from from robots is if you've ever met from Mars, women are from Venus, you know, Dr. Gray talks about

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or talked about. So, the brother son has come home and they need to be left alone. So, how do you balance communication obligations with consideration because sometimes in order to be political

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consideration, you have to consider the right moment the right time to really bring up something and elaborate on that.

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Communication put very simply, is the process of exchanging information between two people and sometimes we

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we tend to talk a lot, but we do not say much. As far as communication is concerned, there are three points to keep in mind. Point number one, the person is more important than

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the person is more important than the point there is a tendency that we will have to make the point regardless of what it does to the person. What good is a point if you lost the person, but she was not getting the point and they insist that at any expense, the point must be gotten across

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To the other person, even if it means that the person is lost, save the person make the point later on. But what we want to do is no matter what it does to the person make the point at any expense. And that is

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number two, many times we find is more important than the right. There is this tendency of making sure that it's got to be like it's got to be done this way, again, regardless of whether it's fine or not. So keep this in mind. Sometimes. Maybe it's not this or it's not that what at this point, the point is more important than the right. And finally, the other way, and that is say what you mean, when you say otherwise, so much is exchanged.

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There are eight levels of communication, eight levels of communication. Most families they go to sleep, after they have been to the second level of communication will give an example. So the first level of communication is crucial talk with the person who's talking doesn't really mean the person who's responding back.

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This is

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good, what did he do? Nothing.

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Nobody paid attention to what is being said, Hey, how's it going? And we just walked by the unity, okay for how they go.

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Talk.

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It's what people do. And then the second level is people exchanging immediate information, immediate action. Did you?

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Did you? Did you made that phone call, or the application, and most people go to sleep afterwards. Even though they're on a different depth to communication, people go to sleep at that point.

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There was no ideas. There was no,

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there was no exchange of feelings. There was no understanding for the person's ideas or feelings or the opinions, you didn't get a chance to sympathize with them empathize with it. None of this is stuff going on, yet people go to sleep. Remember that.

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In New York, in the in the East Coast, when we lost the city for about five days of the conference that we were there was a couple who we met for 25 years. They are not interested. And they were just saying the floor. So going up and down was almost none. So they were there in the dock, no internet, no TV, no radio No, or anything like that. And you know what they said, they said we have done in the past three days that we have done in our entire way for 25 years.

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Because these instructions will fail. And if you count how much Real Talk do we do when we are together? It becomes a bit

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a bit. So you know, these are just some of the issues that we need to pay attention

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to.

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This thing is

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screen off. I'm sure.

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You've had

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a lot of high school.

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Meanwhile,

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we can always present this because we want to get your audience to tell we're going to take

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a question is this assistant happens to be on my right side. So we're going to start with that. So we're going to take questions, at least limit your question for up to

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30 seconds or 10 words or less.

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Less than

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less than

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Okay.

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Now think

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about she asked me something I like to come

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on you when something went wrong with your computer, you shouldn't be said I forgot that I am commodified. What does this mean?

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Is this the reason that you came late half an hour?

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No, never.

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Okay, what a big lesson learned, never messed with I wrote, well, we have some loyal veterans, we're gonna tear you.

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Down.

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Name.

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Okay, so the name has a lot to do with it.

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I think the question you asked

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earlier about communication and consideration that the brother comes home from work. And of course, what some time

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I think it's also important to realize that

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sometimes the wife

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and she comes home as well and expected instability, for example. So sometimes

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the vector of duties should be ready. It's how we understand that though, sometimes, you know, of course,

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they are

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working.

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So normally should prepare food if

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she comes back, and he or she will prepare the food to come back.

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Sometimes accustomed to having everything the way refeed is supposed to be, that we feel is part of the problem. Part of the presentation is that she has realized

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that sometimes people

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don't

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want to go to the concert. Again, you drop them, this is not my job. So I think

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the point communicate is very, very important. From the outset, of shared responsibility, of shared ownership of what we need to do, of how we can start to do something that maybe makes it easier for the other one,

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that I do my task, I have nothing at all.

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I think

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the key is equally important, the idea of shifting

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our

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focus. So I'm going to go back to that point.

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Where I say actually is okay, if I want to really be understood, if I really want to get my point across she did it wait for the other person's to, you know, sometimes, you know, brothers come home, assume that the right thing to do so she's ready for him to bombard her with all of his, what he did, you know, and what kind of, you know, difficulties he had his day. Maybe she had a frustrating day with the kids, you know?

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Sometimes it's

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okay not

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to happen.

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Although he might be some, maybe some time to catch his breath, or maybe makeup or some other you know, let's say someone saying is, you know, where does inspiration come in here? Why don't we talk

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a little bit about was the news we

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can talk about

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know if something is urgent,

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urgency, urgency and emergency and no

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need to pay something something after something else, but generally

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all

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the traffic and so on, that is question you know, that I am ruled by anything about finances without

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finances, you know, this one called butterfly so she knows that she

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begins that up.

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So we know that this is like

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emergencies.

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Same

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question, by the way.

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The question was anything she asked you mentioned Oh,

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about, about,

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about about,

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about

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intercultural managers Now, don't get me wrong, if you can find someone from the same culture the same way, the same knowledge, the same educational background, there's nothing wrong with that. PowerPoint is assumed, because you have

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everything. When you find someone that meets all those requirements, it means that you stand on the same footing or the same level, the same place at a time, there's no guarantee that you'll be able to walk together through the journey of life.

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So be very cautious about this. If you can find someone to

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go for your life, and to find the person is nice. There's nothing wrong with that. So

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employee folder that I implied that, you know, culture to be important at all? No, no, no, but it should become a barrier. And not many people who don't marry because a person who has a cultural

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background,

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a very

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evenly the culture.

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And we'll make sure we got the documents so that

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you can write nicely blond hair, blue eyes, pink color, whatever you want, as your choice, but only based on please

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don't innovational color is very important.

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Isn't that funny? How sometimes we get people come to

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marry someone graphic.

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Okay.

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This is just

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because

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he keeps saying thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So I decided to save him for that stuff.

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So I just wanted to share with Thank you.

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By the way, thank you it's very,

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not only is it a white thing, but it's actually a process of some of your favorite images. And so thanks enough until you think you pay them back. And if you if you

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can't pay them back, right, at least pray for them by saying desirable parents. So I just want to thank everybody

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for coming here and being so

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speaking of people being grateful, very nice, told my regular revenue skill, but you know, here's what's gonna happen, it's gonna happen. And this happens a lot in my class. I talked at the end of the class about, about how to treat the critiques and how one could actually take charge of their anyways. So here's what happens when people people get motivated all of a sudden, right? And they get energized. So they go and they show this because they show this immediate, sudden change. And I tell you, if that happens, those people that you're changing your behavior with, they're going to freak out they're gonna have they're gonna have

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so and here's a story that illustrates that. They said,

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they said that there was this guy that attended the encouragement workshop, and I was like,

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those workshops that you do

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the power with any crazy

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So he came out of the workshop very hard, very motivated. He's like, Who do I have in my life that I've ever met? It has been a while since I fat and appreciate and then remember this one

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day.

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So he was like, Okay, I gotta do something, something really nice. So he goes stuffs like bread store and pizza, very fast.

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Lots of chocolate leftover from, you know,

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maybe like $70 for flowers. And then he just goes, you know, and then you make a statement. So using this key, he just

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one divorce

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she saw me six months, he's like, this has been a horrible day. Again, we got it, what's wrong?

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She says, but first of all ASCII fell out of the swinging, she broke her arm. And then the cats were grabbing the TV. And now the end of the day, my my husband comes home.

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So they say that if you show this kind of sudden change, these people don't really understand what happened.

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Over there, I think something happened.

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If you get motivated to do it,

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for sure.

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There was an incident, he had a lot of

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wisdom with me, and I share about that. So but one of those things that have happened in marriage in the relationship is the lack of positive nature constantly. Positivity gets missed some somewhere and also becomes negative remembering what is your customer saying? Before before you are engaged? Any laughter any sound, any voice? Any gesture, it's funny, he looked at me so so attractive, and afterwards things changing the same things that may have been cute before become vegan, okay, nervous afterwards. So what happens to the positive?

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Wrong?

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He said,

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Okay.

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I think,

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you know,

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the process is a process, this

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is how you are able to negotiate through the traffic of that process. How do you go along, sometimes people, they have this energy, and energy.

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And it is a reflection of yourself in the middle of like, an attitude towards things very often,

00:28:03--> 00:28:04

in many instances,

00:28:05--> 00:28:06

is

00:28:09--> 00:28:17

an example to explain a point, a person may be marrying a girl and she's Muslim, or Muslim or whatever.

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Go to class, and we will check out the trash.

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He has a problem, you shouldn't

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you shouldn't do this. What happens sometimes is, you don't realize that people grow, they grow with you. But they may grow in different ways.

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They may find things,

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they may not react the same way directly to the first piece. Now, you know, when they say when you play with the feet and the electrical footsies in skill before you feed the human intuition becomes boring.

00:28:56--> 00:29:08

The point I'm making is is how we are able to understand the evolving relationship to evolve. Sometimes you make a joke. It's funny, sometimes.

00:29:10--> 00:29:20

You see, it's very important to understand what frame of mind why and how sometimes something which can cute, which does have a place out of context is not

00:29:22--> 00:29:25

something which can be loving in a particular context may

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be very careful. If you're for example, you have a mother in law and father,

00:29:35--> 00:29:42

Dustin and so on and so forth. And you make a joke about that. And you know that the reaction, it will be a joke about yourself.

00:29:44--> 00:29:56

So always remember, check the reaction, what what you expect from the committee when what effect you expect from the action you're doing, if you are still

00:29:57--> 00:29:59

in this circumstance in this situation.

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Would the response be what I wanted to be always looking

00:30:05--> 00:30:06

and also

00:30:08--> 00:30:25

the actions of our intentions, but also the outcome. And this was those who said, He will do something. And you will find that his intention is good. If you if you decide to do something, and you see it's flowing out to somebody good, then continue to eat,

00:30:26--> 00:30:33

until you find the way the retention was good, the way out is not any positive, then stop to see.

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He can't learn from the way you kind of shut up and

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circumstances situation, and one or the other. But also,

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talking about the other part of the question about how people look at things, is very important to realize that in any situation, you know, there's a negative side of something that could be positive that something

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you make in a human is something that people have the same like the same, or the same level of the same mood. In other words, if you go to a funeral and make a joke.

00:31:12--> 00:31:18

So to understand that, if you go to a wedding, and make a joke about your friend,

00:31:20--> 00:31:30

or your friend, and making a joke between your friends, among guys, oh, this guy, oh, he's so lazy. He's who is over, and this room was so busy.

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Up, and everyone loves that same joke, it is very deceptive.

00:31:44--> 00:31:55

Because some of that is true, it doesn't mean you must say, I like this shirt and jacket. I can say looks nice. Nothing wrong with that. I don't like to shoot, I don't have to say that.

00:31:59--> 00:32:13

Committing somebody for something complimenting doesn't imply that it will also say the negative. So the thing important to understand, in any instance, what is the outcome? What is your objective? Which one? Will you open your mouth? Consider for things?

00:32:14--> 00:32:15

Is it being true?

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Is it time? Is it necessary is beneficial? When you open your mouth? Especially?

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The truth is time is necessary.

00:32:28--> 00:32:28

If not,

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just to

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pick them up.

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The start is just very quickly.

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It's fun sometimes in the relationship.

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Because in the relationship, there is also a reflection of who we really are. And what kind of character do we have until we breathe into this relationship? When I counsel couples, especially those couples, so what's the problem? And they have this ability to articulate with great eloquence see what is wrong with her? And what is wrong with him? And then I say, you know what, let's start with the positive. What do you appreciate most about your wife?

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And that we should

00:33:26--> 00:33:32

never feel? What do I appreciate? My Why did

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he leave?

00:33:41--> 00:33:42

appreciate,

00:33:43--> 00:34:19

appreciate about my work. And it takes so long for people to say anything. They literally become very speechless when you say what do you appreciate most about your wife or about your husband? See what we do is that we tend that when we come home and it's for the for the arguments, but then when we are outside more, that's when I play with my friends. That's when I joke with them. That's when I have a good time. But then I come back home and that's what's waiting for me naturally when I want to spend most of my time.

00:34:20--> 00:34:22

I want to spend most of my time with

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you.

00:34:35--> 00:34:36

The idea

00:34:40--> 00:34:41

is

00:34:42--> 00:34:45

really about it's about what do you look for?

00:34:46--> 00:34:47

Sometimes

00:34:50--> 00:34:59

idea of what I'm talking about an awfully I don't mean to exclude anybody but if you are colorblind, please forgive me. You may not be able to

00:35:00--> 00:35:05

To participate in this this, this exercise, do

00:35:06--> 00:35:09

you see progress to see this? What do you see?

00:35:11--> 00:35:18

Most times people spend their last looking at the red dot nobody said anything about the whiteboard, even though it is

00:35:19--> 00:35:20

people

00:35:22--> 00:35:23

but everybody is looking at.

00:35:26--> 00:35:35

And once you keep looking into the record, guess what you miss out on the rest of the people, you become fixated on this job.

00:35:37--> 00:35:42

Sometimes we are so busy looking for what is wrong, we cannot get the opportunity to spend.

00:35:45--> 00:35:52

And we found this we have a tendency to do so. So consumed and what's wrong with cooking is

00:35:53--> 00:35:55

the smell so bad then

00:35:57--> 00:36:16

the point is we are consumed by that red dot with detail to see any other thing that seems to be happening it is by the end of the day, like they say to our boss once a month, the other source loss whose fault is the one What?

00:36:17--> 00:36:28

What What do you want to see. Now this is not too simplistic about what is going on. But it has a lot to do with attitude and perception and the way we choose to see things.

00:36:32--> 00:36:33

This question that

00:36:35--> 00:36:42

I'm gonna come back with a technical question. It talks about rolling up on white working

00:36:46--> 00:36:48

does she have to work

00:36:50--> 00:36:51

is the life after work?

00:37:06--> 00:37:07

responsibility that is

00:37:16--> 00:37:18

probably within people being

00:37:20--> 00:37:22

at work, they work within the company, whether

00:37:23--> 00:37:38

you're working in an office environment, but that's generally I think, you know what the idea is, I prefer that one parents should be looking after the kid if they can do so. I'm not too happy with the notion that especially smaller kids, you know,

00:37:39--> 00:37:51

a bit of nurturing that they should be left with someone else has said it is easy to say that to those who can't help it. They cannot because it is more than two jobs sometimes to make ends meet. That's one

00:37:53--> 00:38:03

photographer offices they do to the reality of life. So when you think about this general principles of charity, I'd say well you know we shouldn't be at our work are meant

00:38:05--> 00:38:10

to be it's one thing the ideals are one thing and the reality must be addressed and

00:38:13--> 00:38:17

applied. But the people face that I think that it is

00:38:18--> 00:38:19

sometimes

00:38:21--> 00:38:23

admitted both work. And if

00:38:24--> 00:38:39

you find that those willing to leave, you have to go to college or university Medical College, you need to find ways of earning income. And if any facility in America you find many brothers and sisters from university

00:38:40--> 00:38:45

and will often send up so they often never those cameras go away.

00:38:47--> 00:38:59

And it is possible that people can contribute illegal punishment the expense of anything more important like a for the children. If they need to work there's no harm in

00:39:01--> 00:39:02

both work.

00:39:06--> 00:39:10

All right. I guess this pretty much asked.

00:39:12--> 00:39:13

The question is

00:39:21--> 00:39:22

is over.

00:39:28--> 00:39:33

Of course it has to do with getting married at a later date. Somehow.

00:39:44--> 00:39:48

I rate myself

00:39:50--> 00:39:51

It depends on you oppositely.

00:39:53--> 00:39:54

It might

00:39:56--> 00:39:59

be in the country. region. So country. Excuse me.

00:40:00--> 00:40:01

It has been for some years,

00:40:02--> 00:40:32

by the way, but it depends sometimes he becomes a barrier. He itself is not necessarily significant age, but a number in some ways. But it does become a problem, when sometimes parents find maybe a girl or a guy was 45 inches 80, or something of that nature. And there is no problem religiously, there's no problem physically just, but there is an issue of the reality that we face is a 45 year old person is made to the

00:40:35--> 00:40:48

issue of, or vice versa. There's our issue of intimacy, of satisfaction of maturity, there's also the idea to not forget, when he has a child, first child going to school,

00:40:49--> 00:40:53

for two years of age, she'll be fine. For example,

00:40:55--> 00:40:58

one of the things I found that I love sports,

00:41:01--> 00:41:02

the only thing I can

00:41:03--> 00:41:05

do that, I think that

00:41:07--> 00:41:09

you know, things are the way they are.

00:41:13--> 00:41:15

Our appreciate that fact, but more

00:41:17--> 00:41:37

what I feel, but just as a as a barrier, it shouldn't be a barrier in itself. But there are many other considerations that must come into play, but be very careful. And many people have listened to me 21 years old guy 47. So what you will get many, this is not only a cultural thing, it's on the

00:41:38--> 00:41:54

face of maturity, about about performance, about interaction about how how you see things, how you view things, you know, and how you how you practice, what you listen to what you like to do, you do some shopping.

00:41:58--> 00:42:05

So a lot of issues that come with that. So aging itself is not a problem. But the age gap could be a problem

00:42:08--> 00:42:11

of you got married? Yeah, people see

00:42:14--> 00:42:18

what I do when I'm not showing you the process.

00:42:22--> 00:42:24

I'm just showing you the process of raising

00:42:27--> 00:42:28

okay after

00:42:29--> 00:42:33

islamically Does your mother have priority over you?

00:42:37--> 00:42:37

Okay,

00:42:40--> 00:42:42

what was the purpose?

00:42:53--> 00:42:58

You know, I said, I said something earlier about compatibility time Box

00:43:01--> 00:43:03

Tops toxic in last

00:43:04--> 00:43:04

time,

00:43:05--> 00:43:09

when people are fantasizing about the death of their

00:43:11--> 00:43:16

of their in laws, that is a problem. And we can literally fantasizing

00:43:17--> 00:43:22

almost, you know, that funeral day, they are

00:43:23--> 00:43:26

not showing up with respect to them, or why

00:43:30--> 00:44:02

it's not this or that, that is not ideal. The mother has no place and the wife does have replaced, but what what bothers me nowadays is mostly about the last question, and how much control they want to have and how much involvement they want to have in the marriage. I see this to be an unbelievably such a very, it's so problematic. That is really leaving people invaded. Literally that was the expression that was given to me

00:44:03--> 00:44:11

is that I feel invaded by my boss. They want to know everything that we do. They won't have a second way with it. How many kids

00:44:13--> 00:44:20

went on we going to have a case. There was one mother she told her son, I won't be pregnant. She's

00:44:21--> 00:44:33

the one you love, that kind of mentality, you know, supposedly the Father. The son is torn between you know, well this is my mother, this is my wife.

00:44:38--> 00:44:39

Okay, forgive me.

00:44:46--> 00:44:46

If I

00:44:49--> 00:44:49

just

00:44:52--> 00:44:59

read too much religion, this kind of religion with hypersensitive couples are responsible and it is the obligation of

00:45:00--> 00:45:26

The spouse to help their spouse fulfill their obligations towards towards their, if I care about my wife, and her well being just like I cared about her praying, and make us a lot of that stuff like that she doesn't have her own. She doesn't have to advocate I'm saying, like I care about it. And I wouldn't be concerned if she wouldn't, you know, her religious obligations, I would be concerned if she is not fulfilling her release obligations towards her parents. So I mean, I don't know, I think

00:45:28--> 00:45:28

is very simple.

00:45:32--> 00:45:33

First of all, I don't

00:45:37--> 00:45:54

have a problem, the question, not the question, or the question, because it presupposes a tug of war. It presupposes that one expense of the other? There's no question. There's no question about the position of the money, there's no question about it.

00:45:56--> 00:45:56

You know,

00:45:58--> 00:46:10

there's numerous traditions about this in different forms, when it comes to my respect, and those who said, Your Mother, Mother, Mother, or father has

00:46:12--> 00:46:19

a problem was is how people take that particular statement and use it and use it to undermine other relationships.

00:46:21--> 00:46:28

A good mother, a good mother, knowing that your wife is the mother of your kids is

00:46:30--> 00:46:31

mother to mother.

00:46:37--> 00:46:38

As big as I am,

00:46:45--> 00:46:46

a small voice.

00:46:56--> 00:47:00

But the problem for your wife and my mother

00:47:07--> 00:47:09

more I can choose from

00:47:10--> 00:47:15

machine pose, machine pose, just because you have the status is

00:47:22--> 00:47:23

because

00:47:24--> 00:47:26

my mother is water, and

00:47:27--> 00:47:30

who should I go to, you'd be crazy to go by the water.

00:47:33--> 00:47:40

Even a person outside is when we may be in another state, anybody is outside, and I can help it

00:47:41--> 00:47:42

up.

00:47:44--> 00:47:44

It's so

00:47:51--> 00:48:17

it doesn't mean I'm putting the injured person before a lot. It's part of my human duty, as part of my duty to alleviate the suffering of another, I've got an exclusive offer that you can make yourself outwardly. So to ask the question, also, you put the Africa outside the bunker before Allah, the question is not the question and not your question.

00:48:19--> 00:48:22

Is this notion, this implication of a tug of war?

00:48:24--> 00:48:24

I

00:48:26--> 00:48:26

don't.

00:48:28--> 00:48:36

But I think it's important to realize and you know, who's the better of the two of the one who realizes that you know,

00:48:37--> 00:48:41

other one, I think sometimes it happens when people are married.

00:48:42--> 00:48:45

They feel that they are being shared.

00:48:47--> 00:49:00

You have your mother, your mother son, always Not always. And now your husband with some of his father, you have a relationship with your mother, which is very unique, even different fathers. We have a relationship with your wife, which is unique

00:49:03--> 00:49:22

to your kids, different from your wife, each one deserve their rights. And none of them have the right to impinge upon the other one question is not the status money first. The true money first, but how this comes into play? It has been done okay.

00:49:25--> 00:49:27

So we can discuss about things. I know failure is

00:49:29--> 00:49:39

when the kid is born, the mother will tell the son what the name is. All the other sisters know the name and at the beginning, we asked them why.

00:49:42--> 00:49:43

And all says no.

00:49:45--> 00:49:48

Outside they will decide exactly. That is nonsense.

00:49:49--> 00:49:54

Supposed to make. She's not a good mother, but sister mother.

00:49:56--> 00:49:59

You see one thing is to be respectful and worthy of respect. There

00:50:00--> 00:50:00

What's

00:50:01--> 00:50:10

up teachers we are teaching, you must pick your teacher. That's true. But if you do something wrong, you have the duty to

00:50:11--> 00:50:18

respect the teacher, but you are losing them by saying something which is false. So this is very important to understand.

00:50:20--> 00:50:25

Mother has a place, and it's very unique among all age, even division to the Father.

00:50:26--> 00:50:37

But at the same time, don't take any relationship. Because there will be a mother, a wife, my kids know, that is a place that is placed, you are one person,

00:50:38--> 00:50:51

but you are 1000 different things to different people. And this teacher and a student have his friend and his father, I'm still the same person, if you can maintain a degree of integrity with each one of those.

00:50:58--> 00:50:59

My mother in law

00:51:01--> 00:51:03

gave 25,000 visitors

00:51:10--> 00:51:14

a comment on this chip. So what was a part of choosing a wife?

00:51:17--> 00:51:17

But

00:51:20--> 00:51:25

you know, one of those interesting articles, just a quick one for those people, I don't think the majority, but

00:51:26--> 00:51:35

I read somewhere in an article written by a therapist with a PhD, I actually love this paper.

00:51:37--> 00:51:41

But he was saying that the best method to find a compatible

00:51:42--> 00:51:49

compatible spouse is through the recommendation of your best friends scars.

00:51:57--> 00:51:59

I actually have a magazine in my office

00:52:03--> 00:52:08

that they're saying that the week before seen and all these groups even, you know, even

00:52:09--> 00:52:28

even churches, you know, they they're saying that that doesn't work as much as the recommendation of the spouse or your best friend, who pretty much since your best friends and kind of know what, what do you think of that? No, I don't think there's anything wrong. As far as the way we are used to other people.

00:52:29--> 00:52:37

One thing that is problematic in our community is the lack of opportunities for people to meet each other. Not only the lack of

00:52:38--> 00:52:39

people,

00:52:40--> 00:53:02

almost the time it's about people come into the restaurant, but they've got all sorts of barriers, with the system of capital, one type of brothers are kept on another site, they don't get to see one another, they don't get to know who is out there. So I believe that we need to pay attention to this idea of facilitating for our brothers and sisters to meet in other places, you know, you may

00:53:03--> 00:53:04

or

00:53:05--> 00:53:07

may not be available to anybody.

00:53:08--> 00:53:16

It is a good idea for people who know us or know the other party to introduce us thinking that you know what these two people make a good couple

00:53:17--> 00:53:22

of decisions should not be based on because they are committed now I

00:53:24--> 00:53:31

can facilitate for us. But then once we meet on Sunday, I think that this person is

00:53:32--> 00:53:39

very grateful to the spouse of my friend, what are you have to come up to that conclusion that it

00:53:41--> 00:53:41

is

00:53:45--> 00:53:51

important to me that one has to do that part. You know, sometimes people come I want to get married and some

00:53:53--> 00:54:02

applications and stuff like that, the type of qualities you're looking for, and for me to recommend you or try to help you, I don't even know you

00:54:04--> 00:54:25

do that. So that's what I was trying to say that people knows the best might be able to help and keep this really hot. So a lot of married couples. There are many people because we really want this matrimonial service in the university. This magazine has one of them, right and you should just you know, just take some time to read

00:54:27--> 00:54:27

interesting

00:54:29--> 00:54:30

strangers.

00:54:33--> 00:54:37

People say this and then the minute they get married, right, they find

00:54:40--> 00:54:45

this will get about their friends, their cousins, their couples, you know, I knew that

00:54:46--> 00:54:59

his wife's like his wife might have might have some good friends that she can refer to the best friend. You know what I say? What about companies helping these disabled You know, Friends because they know the best

00:55:00--> 00:55:05

In other words, certain people at one time company with 200 copies

00:55:06--> 00:55:09

that he's looking for how am I supposed to check for all these?

00:55:14--> 00:55:17

After every year he started dropping like

00:55:18--> 00:55:20

he takes off to 10% of the quality.

00:55:24--> 00:55:25

She has to be here.

00:55:30--> 00:55:34

Shall we have one last one last? Interesting,

00:55:36--> 00:55:46

interesting article that I read, they survey 50 couples, right? They serve 50 couples. And they asked them this question, Who is your best friend?

00:55:48--> 00:55:48

Right.

00:55:50--> 00:55:56

And actually did this experiment even in one of my classes, my students, and we separated the brothers and sisters.

00:55:58--> 00:56:01

The majority of the sisters, the majority of the women in

00:56:02--> 00:56:06

particular, the majority, a woman named a female best friend,

00:56:08--> 00:56:19

female, customer, cousin, neighbor, wherever classmate, the majority of men over 50% either said that they don't really have a best friend, or their wives,

00:56:20--> 00:56:21

or their best friends.

00:56:30--> 00:56:39

Most of those women, most of those women did not know that husbands consider them to be their best friend, they acted like it, but they didn't interpret it. So

00:56:42--> 00:56:43

where is it, you know,

00:56:44--> 00:56:47

your friends, relationships that you choose, by the way,

00:56:49--> 00:56:50

recommendations in

00:56:51--> 00:56:52

particular,

00:56:53--> 00:56:54

about your friends

00:56:56--> 00:57:16

in our, you know, be careful, who you befriend, because you become the lifestyle of your friends, you know. So, friendship, this is a relationship issue by choice of all the religions, by choice, the most important, far reaching, intense, intimate one,

00:57:17--> 00:57:19

obviously, should be first of all, the

00:57:21--> 00:57:37

second part is knowing your friends, you meet them at your pleasure, we hang out together, we have lunch together, together or something. And then you pass with your wife, and your husband all the time.

00:57:39--> 00:57:44

Some people assume friends are those who have the distance to engage in your life when you want to. And you just engage

00:57:47--> 00:57:47

with your

00:57:49--> 00:58:02

spouse, you cannot do that. And I think you know, in a relationship is important. In a in a in a husband and wife relationship. As I mentioned, the commitment is a solemn covenant is a lifelong partnership.

00:58:03--> 00:58:06

It's also our most intimate relationship. I think.

00:58:09--> 00:58:20

When you say best friend, looking for someone who can share your secrets is someone who can shake your joy, someone whom you can shave your tears,

00:58:21--> 00:58:22

to let the other person or

00:58:25--> 00:58:34

my best friend know you should know to pay a person who cannot tell their spouse and who is a woman. If you can't tell your husband or wife, I love you

00:58:40--> 00:58:42

an example of three years ago is

00:58:44--> 00:58:46

that people have an accent people

00:58:49--> 00:58:52

around the father and the son are able to communicate Oh my son.

00:58:54--> 00:59:02

Question one do you say oh my father commanded a family or a sign money to a family but mother and child

00:59:03--> 00:59:11

my family and I spoke a bit about that. And I said please, for each and every one of you. You always greet me and

00:59:12--> 00:59:12

everybody.

00:59:14--> 00:59:19

Go give your wife, your husband, your kids, and they don't come to me and said

00:59:21--> 00:59:24

the first time she was young, she was

00:59:26--> 00:59:32

shocked. She was not the first time I can remember. First I remember my father.

00:59:35--> 00:59:38

If you can have the moment to share why.

00:59:41--> 00:59:51

But I've seen it once you can most of all, if you can't say you love the ones who mean most to you and the one who was most CRC public lecture.

00:59:55--> 00:59:59

When we go to someone and buy a flower say I love you

01:00:00--> 01:00:04

means so much. At the end of the day is a small thing that you do.

01:00:07--> 01:00:12

If your wife is not your lover, or your husband, or your friend but the governor

01:00:17--> 01:00:22

he was asked to do and he had no problem declared in public and saying

01:00:24--> 01:00:25

I thought that was

01:00:32--> 01:00:34

your my second best friend.

01:00:36--> 01:00:38

All right, one last question I have for the audience.

01:00:39--> 01:00:41

Which way should it go this way?

01:00:45--> 01:00:46

How can you say this?

01:00:49--> 01:00:50

People say this this way?

01:00:54--> 01:00:58

Because I just wanted to bring it up. All right, because we're being wonderful.