Raising Teenagers in a world of Pornography, Drugs & Pre-Marital Sex

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Yasir Qadhi

Channel: Yasir Qadhi

Episode Notes

Shaykh Dr. Yasir Qadhi​ lays stress on the topic of parenting children in today’s times and also shares his experiences of Muslim kids involved in drugs, pornography and pre-marital sex.

We often naively neglect the environment around us in which our child is being raised. But with all the exposure to indecency, it is no longer time to be politically correct and hide in our conservative Muslim shells and be self-destructively naive that “It won’t happen to my son and daughter!”

 If we treat our children with the maturity, intelligence and respect they deserve and hand out responsibility to them, we have far better chance of raising individuals who can lead much better lives making conscious decisions and staying away from the filth of the society.

  • Dua to Allah to instil Iman in our children.
  • The number one source of education for our children is us parents. If we do not set the bar for our children, we will be the one who will have to bear the ill-consequences.

 

Episode Transcript

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We'll begin by praising

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deserves to be praised

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upon the final prophet and the most perfect worshiper, and that is our Prophet Mohammed soliloquies, he will send them as to what follows. My dear brothers and sisters, we all know that children are of the greatest blessings that Allah Subhana which Allah has given us a lesson on one scene that will hire to dounia. Money and children are the beauty of this world. Every one of us thinks about what brings us the most joy and comfort. And for those of us that are unemployed and our middle age, once you move beyond the childhood years, the child wants his can be let's say, the teenager wants his iPhone and iPad and whatnot. Once you move beyond those years and you become a full adults, what

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really makes life beautiful, is a man who will burn Muna Xena to hydrogen, money, wealth, and family, children. These are the two things that make your life sweet. Every one of us knows that. Really, this is what for the worldly perspective, life is all about. And malleable, Xena and Xena means beauty. It means decoration, it means adornment. It means that which makes it comfortable for you. But Allah reminds us What about the how to solve it how to find the good deeds are better. But he doesn't negate that children and money are what make life beautiful. He doesn't negate that. All that Allah is saying just don't forget about the real thing and that is the outcome. But it is true

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that man and Bernal children and money is what makes life the most beautiful. And Allah subhana wa tada mentions that Zoo here in inasa chahatein in Bernina welfare now

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the one filled body will hide the masala tea, what an honor what help it is pleasing to men, the things that they love, women and children and gold and silver and land and houses and whatnot. But once again, the beginning of the list is basically family. Family once again, what is it that is the most beneficial thing to live a comfortable and easy life. And that is the family and Allah subhana wa tada mentions that the person in students at Cafe, you know, the two gardens, the amount of the true gardens, one of the things he said that I have so much money, I have so much wealth, and I have so much children. So he's boasting that I have more family than you. And it is a natural desire in

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every man. Every woman wants to have a child, look at how many stories about having the barrage of childless couples making door out to a lot to have a child. How many stories The most famous is, of course, Ibrahim, and so I think he was Ibrahim and somebody has said that they're crying out to a lot. And Ibrahim is more than 100 years old, but he doesn't give up hope is more than 100 years old, and people stop having children. Women stop having children in their 40s and his wife Salah is in her 90s double the age of childbearing. And he's still making a lot of a lot of give me righteous children. And he makes draft for so many decades, that when the good news comes, they can't believe

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it.

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Sarah, I think it has set up What does she say when the good news comes? Call it a good one I use the body Shave Club. She says I am going to have a child and I am a Jew. And this husband of mine is a chef. And by chef they don't he doesn't she doesn't mean religious scholar. By chef she means an old man. Right? So Salva says to the angel she's speaking to Jabri that you expect me to have a child and I am so old. And this is my old husband. How can we have a child who else in the Quran by the way is childless and they may?

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Very good.

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Yeah.

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His father is a very zecharia Zakaria is Allah May Allah again that Oh my Lord, my bones have grown feeble in the 100 hour mini worship Starla rock sushi girl. My hair is sprouting white.

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And yet I don't give up hope that will be answered. Give me a

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child who shall inherit from me and from the family of Yahoo. So we have even the greatest of the great and we have even the worst of the worst that our did not have a son ferrao did not have a son through his wife Asya. And when the baby booster was discovered, this was the emotion that Allah used in Him, to preserve Moosa

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because what did rcsa know at the time was he is not a Muslim? What did Asya say when she picked up the baby?

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As a Nirvana owner, definitely that Whoo, what we might adopt this child, they didn't have a child. So Allah azza wa jal use the emotion of fatherlessness in the heart of the worst enemy of a lot. And that is phenomenal. To protect this baby Musa and therefore it is natural to want to have a child a family. And it is natural to therefore pray to a law for a family, every childless couple that are struggling knows this. And they should never give up. Often they should continue to make dua to Allah subhana wa tada and allows origin chooses and he wills what is best. And we may do onto a lot as per the commandment of the foreign, one of the commandments we are expected to make.

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And the DNA of kulula robina habarana mean as wodgina with regard you know, odorata Are you the believers are those who make dua to Allah, that Allah give us from our families and our children, from our wives and spouses and our children, that which will bring comfort to us. So we made to our to a law to have righteous progeny. And every single person amongst us wants to have the best family. And this is human nature as well. This is why Ibrahim alayhis salam is a very interesting psychological dialogue. When he spoke to his father, the idol maker, remember that his father was a maker, and they brought him into his salon, he said to his father, yeah, at all my father, don't

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worship shadow my father worship a lot. He said, Oh, my father, knowledge has come to me that has not come to you.

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In the journey with me, madam yet tikka, but the Verity so follow me.

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dica I shall guide you to the straight path. Now, this is an interesting psychological phrase that actually tells us about relationships between father and son.

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Ibrahim says to his father, I am more knowledgeable than you are, he doesn't phrase it that way. He phrases it. knowledge has come to me that you do not have

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knowledge has come to me that you do not have. Now question

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if any man amongst us his framework to compensate him, his brother, were to come to them and say, I have something you don't have.

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How would we feel? Would we be open to receiving this message? Tell me.

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Human nature. When somebody comes in, boasts or brags says I have something you don't?

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Do we like this?

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No, automatically, it turns us off.

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But there's one exception.

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And only this exception is amazing.

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There is one exception. And I speak especially to those young men and young women who don't yet have their own sons and daughters.

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For that they can comprehend this point. For those of you who are already parents, you know this,

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but for those of you that are not yet married, or are newlyweds and don't have children, listen to this very carefully.

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Your brother, your cousin, your best friend.

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All of them. If you have some fortune that they don't have some things in common. They're even if they overcome it, and they're still good friends. But it's human nature, something is going to come in there.

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It's difficult to battle against jealousy. Look at the brothers of use of they were the most jealous, abusive, even though they're blood brothers. There's only one person in the whole world. Your success is his success.

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Nobody in the whole world will want more and more and more good for you. Unconditional Good for you. Other than one person Well, two meanings the parents will not try to say your mother and your father.

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The higher you rise, the happier they will

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Every parent already knows this. I don't have to tell you this. But the point is to the young men and women who don't yet have parents who don't yet have children. They're not yet parents themselves. To them, I say, this feeling, you don't have it in your heart yet, of unconditional love

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uncomplete without any condition, you want the best for your son or daughter, Ibrahim alayhis. Salam is using this psychology when he's speaking to his father.

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He is saying be proud of me. Allah has chosen me, I have achieved something by the blessings of Allah, Allah has given me this knowledge. So follow me, I will lead you to the straight path. And this is the interesting psychological analysis of Ibrahim saying to his father, I have knowledge that you have to continue. Because the only human the higher you go, the more proud the other person will be, is your father. Because he's gonna say yeah, that's my boy. That's my son. No matter how much money you have, how much fame you have, how much good you have the one person that will never feel jealous, but rather be genuinely happy is your father and of course you're welcome. I'm gonna

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meet the parents here. And that's why my name is Sam uses this interesting tactic. So the Quran the Sunnah clearly human nature, we all know it's blessings to have children. But with blessings comes What? responsibility with blessings comes responsibility. Allah says in the Quran, yeah, you already know me. Oh, you who believe Oh, and fusa Kumar equal now save yourselves and your families. This is a commandment to all carrots, that your job isn't just to save yourself.

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Your job is to look after your families as well. And if you fail in your job, then you have failed in your mission to protect your own family. Alice has an important one more letter this one it was a better idea. Command your family to pray

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and be extra patient in that command.

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You are supposed to pray? How about your family? What more was it? So the last few episodes, command your family to pray the Salah. And don't just give up if they don't pray was a very

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strong patient in that command.

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So parents, if your children are not praying, you are responsible. If your children are not acting righteously at a young age, you are 100% responsible at an older age once they have reached the guru and whatnot, then the responsibility diminishes if you give them a good thumbnail, but when they are young, it is 100% your responsibility. Allah says in the Quran call in our hearts Irina Latina, first euro and fusa home. What are

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the worst losers? losers and we'll call them losers, Constantine. The worst losers are those who have lost themselves and their families on the Day of Judgment. You couldn't even help your family.

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You lost yourself and you lost your family, meaning you didn't give them the educational environment that they needed. And the law calls them the worst of losers. Neither did you benefit nor did you benefit your family. So what was the point of life itself? Therefore my dear brothers and sisters when you look at their for the Quran, don't be surprised that there are so many fathers son or I should say Parent Child stories to benefit from so many Parent Child stories that we can benefit from. Look at. Again, I got a lot to say about this. This is super useful. When I have more than 15 lessons on solutions, you can find them online. Look at pseudo use of the entire story is about

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father and son and siblings. The whole story is the story of family. And when we look at the use of no doubt, we primarily concentrate on the story of use of polyester. But let us not forget the 11 brothers and especially the 10 that were opposed to him because Binyamin his youngest was on his side, the 10 that were opposed to him. We notice the tension between the 10 and the father. Yeah, at least we notice the tensions between them. We notice that they have committed one of the worst crimes imaginable, and that is to get rid of the brother and therefore there is angry at them. And yet he still he still has a relationship with them.

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This is a very profound

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window into what to do when your son or daughter is committing a major syndrome.

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If your son or daughter has lost the path, now these 10 children were adults, they're no longer 510 years old, they are now adults, and they have done a major crime.

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And yet still, jacobellis is patient with them. He rebukes them. Of course, he tells them, you know, many harsh things in the salon, you can listen to us all the time, if I go into this, then the whole lecture will be about that. But I have all of this online, and you can listen to or read any tips here. But the psychological relationship between Yahoo and the 10 children, a lot of times we ignore that we talk about user. And of course, that's the main point of the story. But there's a side story that is just as important. And it's especially relevant to parents whose children are adults, and they're not rightly guided.

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And we have in here as well, that jacoba he said, I'll never ever, ever give up hope of them coming back.

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That despite his harshness, he always left a window open for them.

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Despite his strictness, he didn't abandon them and go somewhere else, he still lives with them.

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And that demonstrates what no matter how strict you become, there should always be room for coming back. No matter how misguided your children are, you should never cut off everything from them. I mean, seriously, these young men attempted to murder they were thinking of murdering their brother all for Judo, use our karate.

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I mean, whatever sin your son or daughter has done, inshallah he has not attempted murder shall and will lie, even if it is, maybe he will repent.

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In the eyes of Allah azza wa jal, maybe they'll come back to the right path. So along with the strictness we learn, there should always be some mercy, along with the harsh condition always be an opportunity to come back. And in the end of the story, what happens? Don't they come back, they come back.

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That's the ray of shining hope that it is possible for the worst of the worst, to be guided back. And alaris origin is the one who changes hearts as well. Another interesting story of father son as well is that Ibrahim and his son is married one of the Abrahamic religions, Sara visits them in Makkah. And he tells them that Allah has shown me that he's willing to sacrifice you that I shouldn't be sacrificing you. And of course, as we know, the dreams of the prophets are a form of inspiration. And it's my new This is married is a son of a prophet. Perhaps at the time, he has not yet become a prophet, but he knows that my father has seen a dream, this means he must do it. Now,

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what is really interesting, and again, this is a type of psychological narrative that unfortunately, we have lost it in most of our cultures. Ibrahim alayhis salaam takes his son out on a long walk.

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And he says, Yeah, boy named My dear son in our film, and me and I have seen a dream heightened slaughtering you, from the mother tongue. Tell me, what do you think?

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Now what did we see in this in this in this paragraph in this ayah? What do we learn

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the openness of conversation, genuinely respecting your son, to hear his point of view, those of you that have teenage sons and daughters,

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contrast your attitude with your son or daughter with Ibrahim's attitude. And whatever position you hold, it is not from Allah. It's your opinion. Whatever position Ibrahim was holding, there's no negotiation is from Allah. Still, he says, tell me, what do you think, from the mother tongue?

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My dear parents, if you don't learn to respect, respect, you rarely hear this. Because we all know children need to respect adults, that's a done deal. I'm not even going to go down that tangent. That's not the lecture of today. That's a separate lecture altogether.

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When your son or daughter reaches a level of intellectual maturity, we're not talking about a three year old. Once they become 15 2025. You have to learn to respect them as an individual who has an opinion as somebody who's worthy of a conversation and dialogue.

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As Ibrahim Alayhi Salam did, if you do not do this, how can you have that bond with them?

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How can you have that relationship with them if you're always going to be a tyrannical ruler? What I say goes.

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That might work when the kid is 345 years old. Can I understand you can't negotiate with the five year old

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But once they start becoming young men and women, you need to teach them maturity. How will you teach them maturity? by treating them in a mature manner? By having conversations? What do you think? Tell me? What is your opinion? Now, here's interesting here. Do you think you've even said I would have changed his mind? If his mind said Oh, in my opinion, you shouldn't do that? Because this is from a law, by the way, right? Do you think you would have changed his mind? No. So why is it that I'm asking to make it easier for the both of them to get to that result? You know, sometimes you have something certain in your mind, you're not gonna budge, even then, have a conversation.

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Even then bring it up. You do not want your son to do this, whatever the issue is, you do not want your daughter to do that. Instead of coming out like a tyrannical ruler, and saying, I have veto power or whatever, what are you going to gain? Even if your son or daughter is forced to follow your opinion, the resentment will grow and grow and grow? And how long will you keep them hostage? My dear parents? How long will you keep them hostage? A time will come when they will leave the nest? Correct. So when they leave the nest when they fly away? Do you want them to have such bitter memories of your tyrannical rule that they never come back?

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Or do you want to instill in them a type of discipline you might have had your way, but with a gentleness of unlocking it, this

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conversation, let's explain this. And of course, this my demand was, of course strong. So I said yeah, but whatever Allah has commanded you, you have to do it. If

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you have been commanded to do this, you must do it said that you're going to issue a level,

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you're going to find me of the patient. And so his marine willingly lays his head back further master Watson will intervene, he put his head on the execution block. This is the Eman and the maturity of a teenager, his mind was probably 14 years old, 15 years old, maybe even 13 year old boy. And this leads me to my other point. And this is I think one of the main points I want you to take away from from this lecture. And that is that one of the biggest psychological calamities of modernity is this period of our lives that has been termed as the lessons.

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There is no such thing in Islam as adolescence. What do I mean by the new clarified,

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I mean by this, there comes a time when a young man or woman is intellectually responsible for his or her decisions in the eyes of Allah.

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In Arabic, this is called tech leaf vocal left.

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And that age is the age of puberty.

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In Islam, when the young boy or girl reaches the age of puberty, and the age of puberty is from 12, to 14, maybe even in some cases, and 11, to 15, maximum. This is the age of puberty. When a child reaches the age of puberty, this child in Islamic law becomes an adult.

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So intellectually, they need to know of course, the mind of a 14 is not the mind of a 24, not the mind of 34, not the mind of a 44. nobody's saying that. But at the age of 15, you as an adult need to realize you're speaking to a fellow adult.

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And the way you speak with an adult is not the way you speak with the child. If you speak to the adult as a child, which is what our culture teaches us, this is what modern culture teaches us there, this middle age where you're neither a kid nor you're an adult, you're adolescent, you're a teenager. And so you're not given the responsibilities of an adult, you're not treated like an adult. People don't speak to you as an adult, yet your body and your hormones and your mind is ready to be an adult. It is my humble opinion that if we treated these young men and women with the maturity and respect they deserve, we wouldn't see the foolishness that predominantly they are

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guilty of.

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If we gave them the maturity and intelligence and respect they deserve. And we gave them the responsibilities bit by bit that they are required to have, rather than assuming that Oh, these people are kids, they're not allowed to do anything. No, you as a parent, we've changed slowly but surely give more responsibilities. Give them let them make some mistakes. They're going to make mistakes. It's your job to monitor that those mistakes are correctable. Don't tell them to you know, take care of the house for a weekend when they're 15. They're not able but for an example 15 year old, leave them for a few hours with the younger kids, you must take care of them. For example,

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Whatever it is, you need to slowly increase the responsibility. Where do I get this from the hold on what but generally a timer had time

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for in the stone men who rushed them further apparently naked on water now the eye is about orphans, but it's a beautiful if parents listen to this I parents listen to this I Allah is teaching us about delvia of children. Now the aura that this verse is about utama orphans but the same thing applies. Now what is the scenario the scenario is suppose your cousin has died he's left a young boy and you have $100,000 it's not yours it's the voice right? But you're the one that has to keep it right you have to save it and if you eat of this money Allah says routine our agenda you know the the I attend the forum, this is orphan money, you are the the agent is just in your bank could help when the

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child becomes an agent, Allah says you have to give him the money. Okay? What is of age? This is the ayah in the Quran, that is teaching us how to find out if the young boy is ready to get this money. What will

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keep on testing these young boys, the orphans test them with what responsibility had the inevitable nikka When they reached the age of nicaea which is puberty for in two men who Moshe once you sense from them, sensibility, Russian intelligence, then give their money to them. What does it mean test is called as a fixate, you start with small tests, for example, 13 years old, you give him $10, you say, go to the grocery get this, this this and bring me the change back 10 year old boy is more than qualified to take $10 and buy milk and eggs and groceries and come back with the proper change. And you wanted to Okay, good, small thing, next few days, give him $15. Next, and you keep on monitoring

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once in a while you pretend as if you're not monitoring, so if he thinks you're not going to monitor this is testing, then you give him larger amounts. You need him to buy a used car. Now he's 1617 years old, you give him the money, you say I want you to buy a car with these characteristics, just for an example. And you see, does he use his better judgment? Or does he buy a car that's a more of a flashy show of car, but it's actually a lemon is not going to help him out. If he shows his maturity, Allah says you have no right to withhold 100,000 give him the money. Now he's shown maturity. Now, as I said, the AI is about orphans. But the same thing applies to my children and

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your children. The same thing applies, treat these young men and women with the maturity that they deserve. And keep on testing them, keep on giving them smaller tasks. And then if they have the smaller tasks, bigger and bigger tasks, if they don't pass the smaller tasks, go back to the drawing board given to them again. And the Iowa gentlemen to keep on doing the pat down until there is no alternative your children have to grow up. There is no alternative. So Allah azza wa jal doesn't give you any other option other than keep on testing them, until finally they reach maturity. And this is unfortunately one of the problems of our society, we do not give our teenagers any

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responsibility, then when they reach 18, and they go off to college, we think instantaneously, they're going to become full fledged adults.

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And if they fall into some major mistake or error, we get angry at them. We didn't prepare them to face the real world.

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And this also, by the way, brings me to another point. And that is, and this is a very difficult point and will it is painful. And I know parents are gonna really object to some of what I'm saying here. But I want to be very frank here. One of the problems we have is that and I'm speaking to an audience inside of a message, so I'm keeping this in mind. If I were speaking to a Muslim audience that doesn't come to the theater, often a liberal audience as a separate, separate Talk, I'm assuming automatically that all of you in this question are practicing Muslims, or at least want to be practicing Muslims or as you wouldn't be speaking to practicing Muslims, who by and large are

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conservative and their outlook. One of the problems received is that parents put on a bubble of ultra conservative ism on their kids, too much protection.

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And they do this because obviously they want to protect their kids from the filth around us. To some level this is necessary. But if you put too many barriers, if you build an imaginary bubble that your son or daughter is living in,

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where they have no clue as to what the real world has around them. The minute that that bubble is bursting, which will burst eventually.

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The minute they have to suppose even you homeschool them. You don't have a TV at home and I know many such you know kind of couples, no TV, I don't know what I'm saying.

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But when you listen to the example, no TV, no interacting with the neighbors outside, no going other than to the machine and the community, and you have this imaginary bubble, okay, Carlos, you've done his GED, he's got good scores, nobody good, he's got to go to college.

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He's gonna go to college, and he's never in his life interacted with the group.

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He has no clue how to interact properly and decently and dignified with a non Muslim girl. He has no clue what to do ethics, morality, and temptations are all around him. That guy doesn't know how to swim, you throw him into the deep water. Now, if he drowns don't come running to me or anybody else. You and your protection and love, put him in that own truck, conservative bubble? How many are the young man I have seen with my own eyes, that their parents were so cautious and concerned that they weren't capable of facing reality? Now, does this mean that you go the other side? Of course not. What would you misunderstand me,

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I'm saying you need to take into account the world around us, you need to take out the changes that are here. And you need to realize that eventually your son or daughter will have to live in the same world you're living in, will have to see the same things interact with the same people hear the same talk, be exposed to the same images.

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I am not saying take a five year old and expose them to all of that. But neither am I saying keep them naive and innocent till he 1718. There has to be a middle ground. And this is one of the biggest problems we have is that that middle ground, frankly, involves things that are difficult or awkward. I know on many of your minds, the question really will be about issues such as television, and movies.

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And this is a very difficult discussion.

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For those of you that don't have children, and you're living relatively very conservative lives, it might be very easy for you to not have a TV at home, might be very easy for you to not watch movies.

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But when your children, even at the age of three, four or five, start going to their cousin's houses, started going to their friend's houses, and they see what's on there. And iPads and iPods and everything on tablets and whatnot,

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they will see what they're deprived of, they're going to start going berserk is going to be like a drug that they saw cartoons will come like a drug, they're gonna start going crazy. And they will figure out a way when they get to 789 to do it behind your backs.

00:32:40--> 00:32:46

And what they will see that is not monitored is much worse than if you couldn't monitor it.

00:32:47--> 00:32:56

So what is to be done? When we're surrounded by something that is not ugly, the least we can say is not desirable.

00:32:57--> 00:33:07

The least we can say this medium has more harm than good. And this is a reality that is undeniable. But everybody has it.

00:33:08--> 00:33:53

Everybody, even the five minute families that don't they cannot keep their children completely isolated. So what is the middle ground? I have to tell you, there is no easy answer. And every one of you as parents will have to decide for yourself, what is the middle ground that I am happy with? What is the middle ground that we can navigate through that inshallah it is at least better than the former right? And it is not as liberal as the far left? And I will tell you personally of my own scenario or situation it is up to you. I'm not saying there is no islamically ideal because we're not living islamically ideal years I'm saying there is no ideal because the world we live in. And by

00:33:53--> 00:34:33

the way, this isn't just America, Pakistan, Timbuktu Egypt Africa just as bad. Global satellite is everywhere. Frankly, sometimes it's worse over there because it's Muslims you see on TV doing this stuff, right? So there is no utopia there's no agenda on Earth. There is no agenda on earth anymore. in Medina the processing that is gone. So wherever you go, there will be filled. In fact your show, there will be nudity, there will be evil things, what can be done. Again, you have to decide what is the best I will tell you what I have decided to do with my own. I have four kids, two boys and two girls, one of them is a teenager, the rest are still younger than that. We have decided that we will

00:34:33--> 00:34:59

not have live TV in our house connected to the satellite connected to the channels, but we will have monitored TV. So we have Netflix and of these things. We subscribe to this. And we monitor which of the cartoons that the kids can watch. Or we have other things we have DVD so we can know what the children are watching that at least it's better than now I know many of you will say that hold on a helping of this gentleman

00:35:00--> 00:35:33

Good for you. I'm not even criticizing Good for you, we have made up a decision that it's impossible to keep the kids completely isolated. And we'd rather know what they're watching and tell them. So our kids have to come and tell us, can you watch this car? Do you want that? And then we approve or disapprove. But if others have other opinions, that's fine. I'm not saying this as the ideal. What I am saying is, each and every one amongst you has to have this discussion. What are you going to allow what you're not going to allow access to computers? This is another big, big, big issue.

00:35:35--> 00:36:21

The number one reason that people browse the internet is pornography. This is in all demographics of men. All demographics of men, as we know that the largest, if you like, usage of the internet is pornography, it is really impossible to completely protect your children, impossible to completely protect, you just have to minimize. And the way you do this is by opening up to your son or daughter, well, especially sons in this game. And this particular issue, of course, men are more prone. But of course, doctors are women, not as much. But still, it should be these awkward conversations do need to take place, you need to explain to your son or daughter a number of things,

00:36:21--> 00:36:37

most importantly, that the one of them is watching you, I might not figure out, but the one of their will know. And the psychological impact of this type of medium, also of the practical things you need to do is you need to tell your son or daughter that

00:36:39--> 00:37:15

the computer is a monitored device. And I will check. And there are parental programs you put on there, and their parental blocks that you can put on there. And there are many groups out there that agree with us, Christian, Jewish, other conservative groups, they agree with us that children should not be exposed to this. So there are very good programs. And every time I give a lecture, somebody gives me new programs, I'm not going to give you the names of programs, because there's so many just google them that you know, anti pornography, you know, block programs for children, lots of things there's some are free, some of you pay for, but it's a really good system and you tell your son or

00:37:15--> 00:37:36

daughter because there's no there's nothing that you know, they should be not told about this thing, especially when they get to the age of 1110. They already know this stuff. That's the scary thing that many parents naively think, oh, not my son, not my daughter, they're not gonna know this. And this is so naive.

00:37:37--> 00:38:17

You as adults know that when you were a kid, you knew more than your parents did. This was before the age of the internet. Do you really think your son or daughter does not know much more than you assuming that they know, the scary thing is many times they will know things you do not know. That's when it really gets scary. About perversities and Fantasia and whatnot. They might know things that even you do not know. And hear your knives you think oh not my son is not going to do that. You have to your son is a normal human being. He has the same hormones, the same testosterone you yourself did when you were a young teenager. Why would he be any different? He has access to material that

00:38:17--> 00:38:55

you did not have access to just like you every one of you here knew what you have done as a young boy and your parents didn't know it. It's human nature. Men have been open up and unrealized. It's human nature, you're going to do some of this stuff doesn't justify. All of you have done this as young men, human nature, your sons have opportunities you do not out. Your job is to minimize, you will not be able to eliminate your job is to teach and educate your job is to instill the fear of Allah in their heart. Your job is to have that Terbium. That's really the goal. And of the practical advice that I give, as I said about this, you should computers is number one, you install these

00:38:55--> 00:39:32

software's number two, you tell them that look, this is a monitored computer, I will check if there are deleted web pages or the history is blank. Something is fishy. Which by the way, the problem here is that most parents are pretty computer ignorant. And the kids are pretty good about doing things and they can open up anonymous proxies, and they can do that that's definitely a problem. But as I said, there is software that can monitor this stuff, right, that knows what to do. And I mean, the point is you tell you and here's another point that will be explicit here as well. And I know this was gonna cause other issues and problems gonna raise concerns, but listen to me carefully. I

00:39:32--> 00:39:36

do not think it is Islamic to spy on your son or daughter.

00:39:38--> 00:40:00

That's not teaching them the right morals of Islam. But you have every right to tell them point blank. I will monitor the computer that is not spying, because you told them. You understand the difference. You have no right to hack into your son's account. But you have every right to tell him you will not have

00:40:00--> 00:40:39

A Facebook profile without me having access to your password, there's a difference between the two, you understand the difference? You understand the difference between the two, right? I do not believe islamically It is advisable or ethical or moral to spy behind your son or daughter's back. Because what are you teaching what what type of matters we teach? Even a 13 year old should have some practice. But you need to restrict that practice, publicly restrict that privacy, you understand the difference? Right? You tell him, you want to have the Facebook, fine, but I'm going to monitor it, I'm going to have the password to your Facebook account. At the age of 13. While

00:40:39--> 00:40:51

logging, no son or daughter, especially daughter should have unfettered access to Facebook, maybe 19 2021. Maybe then at that stage, you can say, I'm going to be your friend on Facebook.

00:40:53--> 00:40:53

Maybe.

00:40:55--> 00:41:09

And you can have your account, okay, because at that age, they need some privacy. Okay. I mean, here's another, as I said, don't be tyrannical. And again, be honest with yourselves. What did you do when you were 18? Don't tell me I'm just saying.

00:41:10--> 00:41:27

What did you do when you're 18? It's human nature, what is human nature, culture, kids a little bit more slack than your parents even caught you. It's human nature, things are going to happen a little bit. But your job is to minimize your job is to guide overall Your job is the red line is not crossed.

00:41:28--> 00:42:06

That big red line is not crossed a little bit here and there. Come on, as I said, it's going to happen. So your job as again is bit by bit to give them that more responsibility. younger boys and girls full access, you have to give me your passwords. I will check your Gmail, everything and you tell him this, then you set an age or time and you test that look when you get to I mean, I'm just saying 17 1615 I don't know, kids are different. There is no age, I can tell you, it's your job between your wife, your spouse, your kids, you have these public guidelines, when you get to this age, then we will give you this type of access. When you if you're mature and responsible, then

00:42:06--> 00:42:20

something happens. And you see that he wasn't mature, responsible. You pull back the restrictions, right? That is what he is. This is how you train your son or daughter. And here's another point as well. What time do I finish by the way,

00:42:22--> 00:42:49

a 10. So much other than five minutes, we'll finish up here that here's another point as well, that when it comes to when it comes to issues of sexuality, one of the biggest problems is that all of us in this room that are adults, our Islamic telomere back home, or even over here I was born and raised here was that our parents never ever ever spoke to us about the birds and the bees.

00:42:50--> 00:42:50

Never.

00:42:51--> 00:42:56

It just didn't happen. We expected society to teach us this.

00:42:57--> 00:43:01

The problem comes is that the society here

00:43:03--> 00:43:22

will teach your son or daughter very, very different things than your friends taught you back in the 70s and 80s. Back in Karachi and whatnot, your 60s, whatever is this a different world now. You don't want your friends, your children's friends, to teach them about sexuality.

00:43:24--> 00:43:43

You don't want the media to tell them about the bodies. And what look at any woman look at any, you know, show or whatnot. The way that the female body is flouted. A woman will lose herself respect and dignity. She'll compare herself to every single one of those models. You don't want your daughter going down that route.

00:43:44--> 00:44:09

Mothers need to speak to their doctors, fathers need to speak to their sons about very, very, very awkward topics about topics that your mothers and fathers never spoke to you about. This a new world A new place a new culture. And I'm sorry to tell this too. But if your son or daughter is too scared to come to you, when they have questions, that they're in big trouble,

00:44:10--> 00:44:21

they are in big trouble. No matter what your son or daughter has done. Think about it. You would rather they come to you for help, then go somewhere else. Now.

00:44:22--> 00:44:30

Why would they come to you for help? If you have never ever, ever demonstrated your willingness to listen to them?

00:44:32--> 00:44:33

Think about that.

00:44:35--> 00:44:48

Your sons and daughters are going to make mistakes. Your hope is they make minor mistakes, not big ones. Your hope is they keep within the before the red line. And if those mistakes need some help, they need to come to you for the

00:44:51--> 00:44:54

statistics in this country are terrifying.

00:44:56--> 00:44:59

up to 80% of teenagers

00:45:00--> 00:45:05

Pre college are engaged in intercourse, high school level, high school

00:45:06--> 00:45:23

80% in some cases, and lowest statistics around 70, between 70 to 80% of high school kids are engaging in intercourse. Those who don't, are made fun of these days.

00:45:25--> 00:45:28

Everybody knows who's sleeping with everybody in high school.

00:45:29--> 00:45:34

Now, you think your son or daughter is immune living in a bubble in high school.

00:45:36--> 00:45:37

Marijuana

00:45:39--> 00:45:40

alone will stand

00:45:41--> 00:45:48

alone as the one who will protect it's not even considered a drug anymore. Amongst teenagers.

00:45:49--> 00:45:56

It's not considered. It's like when I was growing up to smoke a cigarette was the worst equity imagine doing.

00:45:58--> 00:46:25

I didn't even have access to those types of substances, right? These days, taking a joint, I would say, is less than even smoking a cigarette was in the 70s and 80s. For a little kid to do. It's so common. And I can tell you so many horror stories? Well, I'll tell you this one, just so that you understand how much I was in a particular state. And they told me that

00:46:26--> 00:46:30

we have a drug problem amongst our youth in the messages.

00:46:31--> 00:47:12

In the MSG, the youth that come to the MSG, we have a drug problem. And I said come on. I mean, I understand it in the high school, but in the masjid. And this was a young man who told me of course, the elders are clueless, the elders literally live in a different world. This was a 19 year old young student of mine, he told me is like chef in the month of Ramadan, during turabian. There are kids smoking marijuana in the parking lot. I said get out of there no way am I going to believe this. So it so happened that that same machine invited me for a fundraising events or whatnot enrolled on and I gave a copy to there. I purposely after the father left the trophy, because I

00:47:12--> 00:47:37

really wanted to go see and what law he with my own eyes, in the month of Ramadan, as the parents are praying all week. And they think their sons and daughters are praying with them. Groups of teenage girls and boys are and I smelled it because you know, the smell, you know, I smelled it passing by and in front of them. As he takes the thing. It goes nice lecture their ship, they don't mean

00:47:42--> 00:47:44

charges lot done.

00:47:47--> 00:47:56

I mean, just as you saying it's too big bite. And I swear by Allah, this is exactly what happened. I'm not exaggerating at all. This is here in North America.

00:47:57--> 00:48:01

Another time I had a lecture at a community event. And

00:48:02--> 00:48:34

I was talking about, you know, parental roles and whatnot. And it was actually meant for children who was meant for teenagers as well. And one of my again, teenage students came to me, and we had a good relationship from the classes I'm teaching and whatnot. And he said, shefter, I just wanted to tell you, and again, this is this was one of the first times our earliest episodes, it really shocked me really hurt me because I want to tell you why your lecture was going on. One of the Muslim drug dealing teenage kids was selling dope in the parking lot.

00:48:36--> 00:49:14

And everybody knew he was going to come. And the kids came and their parents brought them thinking they're gonna listen to my lecture. But the drug dealer is using my lecture, the Muslim drug dealer is using my lecture, to advertise, he's going to be selling drugs in the parking lot. And the guy came and told me that, you know, I just want to tell you that, you know, your talks are all fine and whatnot. But reality is a different thing. That as you are speaking about being good Muslim and this and that I'm talking to young men and women and whatnot, that brother or that he is a brother in Islam, Islamic capital in these communities and whatnot. This young teenager was in the parking lot

00:49:14--> 00:49:29

selling joints to people who need to be selling them in the parking lot of them. Again, this is the reality of the world that we're living. And every parent amongst us, I know exactly what you think. Not my son made a bet on anything.

00:49:31--> 00:49:37

But I want to just tell you, wake up and not smell the marijuana smell the coffee.

00:49:39--> 00:49:50

You keep on thinking not my son, not my daughter. Where do these statistics go than 80% 70? Where do they go then? Your son or daughter are just as exposed as every other son or daughter.

00:49:52--> 00:50:00

If your son is a teenager, I can guarantee you the filthy things that has crossed his eyes already. And the fact that he knows people

00:50:00--> 00:50:37

Are our selling this material, the whole point is hopefully he's not insulted, engaged in it, you're not going to speak to him because you think he's that innocent. We'll love you, you are the one that is nice, not him. I'm sorry to be blunt here, you're the one that is naive and not him. If your son or daughter has reached the age of 12 1314, you need to speak to them about drugs and alcohol, you need to speak to them about sex and sexuality. You need to speak to about pornography in it speaking about flirtations and whatnot, and explain to them we have a religious code. This is what we believe. And why do we believe it? The threat of punishment is not enough anymore. Because if you

00:50:37--> 00:51:13

don't have a man have a lot in your heart. Who cares about these punishments, you don't believe them? Maybe your father, my father might have used that. If you do that you're gonna but these kids, it's gone. Now. The fear of Allah is gone. How about the fear of parents? Correct. There's no fear about why you think that it'd be scared of you. So your job then is to instill in them love of love, and fear of love of the shared era, and a fear of going beyond the boundaries of the shady out, because it's going to be harmful to them, you need to explain to them, Look, if you do this, it's going to harm you in this world. And the next

00:51:14--> 00:51:50

that you will have to reason with them, like everybody is like get down to their level and negotiate, not just throw show them the stick, because that's not going to work. And as much can be said this time from voting. I just want to conclude with mentioning one final point and shout out to Allah and then in the q&a, we can be as explicit as you want whatever enough to sort out. Whatever you want to ask inshallah I have. I mean, I say this all the time, wherever I go, that if the time to be politically correct is gone. Now. We have the luxury to be politically correct is out the window. We have major problems in our communities. We have issues that are of a serious nature. We

00:51:50--> 00:52:10

have many young men and women leaving Islam. Last week, I was speaking to a kid in the city. I was visiting the city where he was an active kid at the mercy of the grew up in the Islamic school whereby This is what really shocked me. He grew up in the Islamic school, and he studied in the Islamic school. Now he went off to college, 19 year old and he's

00:52:11--> 00:52:35

and his mother's bawling her eyes out crying. He's like, what can I do my better boxer engine kid, mothers crying her eyes out, you know, what can I do? Make the offer they can talk to him, please speak to him. And I was very busy. I said, Okay, how about speak to him? I gave her three minutes it turned into a 30 minute conversation. How can you you know back and forth back and forth you know? And again this kid blahs a arrogant attitude I don't believe in God I don't believe in you know, there's this enough typical Muslim kid grown and raised here.

00:52:37--> 00:52:50

We are dealing with some serious issues and problems. There is no simple solution. But some things can be done. Most importantly I mentioned two things that inshallah we'll finish first the most important obviously is don't

00:52:51--> 00:52:53

never underestimate the power of

00:52:55--> 00:53:03

you know, like we make do out for money we make don't ask for health will be the number one driver we should be making for is a man

00:53:04--> 00:53:14

a man for ourselves and our children. What does Ibrahim make when he's making the character? What is he making? rajani Okay, masala tea, what means Oriya tea,

00:53:16--> 00:53:29

you want your children to also be practicing. So lots of job for Hidayat for is the comment. And the second and the final point that we conclude with this a shallow data is parents realize

00:53:30--> 00:53:38

the number one source of education of total bill of values of ethics or morality in your children's life as you

00:53:39--> 00:53:40

see you.

00:53:41--> 00:53:56

If you are not living a life that you want your children to follow, then don't expect the Islamic school or the lecture once every few months or the YouTube videos or anything else to help out.

00:53:57--> 00:54:01

If you are not going to set the bar for your own son or daughter,

00:54:02--> 00:54:03

then nobody

00:54:05--> 00:54:15

because the number one source of information of osmosis in the household will be the environment you set in the household.

00:54:16--> 00:54:20

Listen to me carefully mothers and fathers. The most important thing after that

00:54:22--> 00:54:34

is how you treat each other in the home. Mothers and fathers husbands and wives your relationship and how you practice Islam inside of the house in your own life.

00:54:36--> 00:54:38

If you are going to be doing the heroin,

00:54:40--> 00:54:42

you have no right to tell your son or daughter. Don't do that.

00:54:44--> 00:54:59

If you are doing everything in the book, that's illegal heroin and whatnot. Don't expect your son or daughter to have anything different other than when he grows up is going to see the same thing. You know simple statistics. You know, they have the surveys that the men who beat

00:55:00--> 00:55:15

Their wives in an abuse their wives, almost all of them, they come from households where their fathers were abusing their mothers. Now, I asked this question all the time, you know, that teenage kid, when he saw his father beat his mother, who do you think he sided with?

00:55:17--> 00:55:31

His mother, you guys following me? The teenage kid what he sees the father beat the mother, who do you think he sided with? What is a teenager? His mother is going to think to himself, how dare you? He's going to say to himself, I'm never going to do that. Guess what happens?

00:55:33--> 00:55:40

When he gets married? And he gets angry? What does he remember an angry husband doing?

00:55:41--> 00:55:42

What his father did?

00:55:43--> 00:56:01

Do you understand what I'm getting across to you that as a young child, as a teenager, there's no doubt he sided with the other party is that with his mother, but you cannot undo the psychological impact of the total via of parents in the household.

00:56:03--> 00:56:44

And even if he says he's not going to do it, when he gets to the stage of doing it, subconsciously, he reverts back to what his father used to do to his mother. Now, what I'm telling you at this point, I conclude, is very simple. And well, lucky, I have seen this I was born in America by the Dutch generation, which is basically the first of the second generation. My father came in the early 60s, I grew up on the massage and was still you know, in the first semester of Houston, whatnot. This is my generation, I'm the eldest of those generation born and raised in America, in my own experience, I have never seen never, not once a young man or woman who is coming from a healthy

00:56:44--> 00:57:31

household of good Islamic values. Listen to me carefully, who doesn't eventually come back to those Islamic values. Eventually, underlying that, I have seen plenty of cases where the young boy or girl goes astray for a period of time, especially when they get to the 20s. Especially when they get to college, though, plenty of them they go. But something amazing happens when they come from families that are healthy islamically, not ultra fanatic, or ultra liberal or whatnot, but healthy Islamic families good values, when they get married and have children. So all of a sudden, they rediscover, they rediscover Islam, because the only image they have of a family life is what

00:57:32--> 00:57:37

their own families, and they knew how successful it was, even if they hated it when they're 20.

00:57:39--> 00:58:22

But when they get to 2530, they have their own kids, what are they going to bring back from the past the upbringing that their own parents did. So I want to conclude with this simple point. Do your parents, you really want to make your children, good human beings, ethical, virtuous, good Muslims, the most important thing, you need to start acting that way with your own wife, why is these are acting that with their husbands, that that relationship needs to be solid islamically and even if the kid goes through phases, be the father of be at home with his sons, be firm and loving at the same time, make lots of drama and insha Allah in the end insha Allah in the end, just like the sons

00:58:22--> 00:58:49

of Yahoo. In the end, if you've given them that via insha Allah generally speaking and of course, there are exceptions, but generally speaking, if you have implanted with them those values and made lots of throughout, then they will come back and this is the reality of my own experiences and it is the reality that all of us also can see around us. inshallah, we'll break for the Salah, and then come back for an open q&a session, inshallah.