How To Deal With Difficult Parents in Islam – Ask Shaykh YQ #133

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Yasir Qadhi

Channel: Yasir Qadhi

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So my question is not really to ask question is how do you deal with difficult, difficult parents? And what should you do when you disagree strongly with something your parents have done? One

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out of seven mean poverty in Asia? No. Hey, lay him first irlo recovery in

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June?

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What's going on? Yeah, Mom, why don't you just let's just we have some frank conversations. Why do you have to go through the, the MSA chat to? Because see, I don't know what difficult parents are more would be talking about, you know, I have no clue whatsoever.

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Very good question. Actually. Yeah, I'm not. And of course, it's not related to our family life whatsoever. Absolutely. No, no, no, we have no idea what this is in our household. But the question is, indeed, very good. How does one deal with difficult parents? Well, I wish there was an easy answer. Well, like, I wish I could give you three points of advice and it could apply. The fact of the matter is, there is no cookie cutter answer. The fact of the matter is, it's a case by case basis, every single situation is different. All I can advise you super generically, first and foremost, most important thing, most important thing, make sure you have a relationship with a law.

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Because if you don't have a relationship with a law, you won't know how to deal with your parents a lot is the creator of you and your parents turn to Him, have a relationship with him. Second thing, get advice from those that are older than you senior to you get advice from cousins, from uncles and aunts get advice from other family members, because there are situations and I have had to deal with this. People have emailed me and I've gotten involved, where stuff for the law, but but there's a physical threat, you know, for to the young men and women by their abusive fathers or whatnot, there's physical threats, you can't and you know, you need somebody to intervene in that regard,

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right. So get advice from people that know your situation. If there's no physical threat, there's no physical harm, or there's no abuse going on, because abuse is also mental and psychological. So again, there's signs of abuse and you can look this up as well. There's there's different types of abuse. But if there's no, if there's no abuse, it's just unreasonable parent. It's just an you know, father or mother who's just being unreasonable in this case, okay. Now we can go to that level. Because again, if there's an actual abuse or physical abuse, that requires intervention, if your life is in danger, if you're psychologically going to be scarred, well, then you cannot remain quiet

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and you need to get help from not just me from the law, sometimes no problem. You know, the Shetty ad does not require you to lose your life because you're trying to be polite to your mother and father, that's ridiculous to share the values your life as well. And if your mother and father are so unreasonable, they're so

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if you like, harmful to you, that your life, your your life is in threat, then the [???]ty I was going to tell you to get help, no problem there, but inshallah for the majority of us, for most of us, it's not that to that level, rather, what it is, is that you feel your parents are putting awkward conditions on you, you feel that, you know, they're saying things that you don't want to do. And you know what, this is a fact of life, it is a part and parcel of growing up, okay? It's a part and parcel of becoming fully independent and coming of age, you don't think we had the same issue with our parents and you don't think you're going to have the same issue with your your teenagers as

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well, then I'm on notice I say this them all the time. And my other son as well, like, you know, I've been in your shoes you haven't been in mind. I've been 1819 2021. I know how it feels. You don't know how it feels to be a father. And you know, your son or your daughter's outside, you don't know that situation. And when you get to that level, and you get to that situation, you think you're going to let your son or daughter anything that never happens because things change, you learned wisdom experience. So what I'm saying is that this situation, needs to be navigated with wisdom, and with help from people who have been there and done that. Not every rule that your mother or father

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places on you automatically makes them unreasonable or somebody who's you know, not worthy to be listened to. On the contrary, frankly, the majority of tension arises simply because the parents are smothering their children with love. The the rules that the parents give, they come from a place of love and protection. They don't come from a place of wanting to be nasty. And that's something our young, many women understandably don't understand. I didn't understand when my when my parents did the same to me, I didn't understand I'm like, I don't need to be told a curfew time. I don't need to be told this and that I'm, you know, at the time I was 17. I'm 17 I'm able to do this. I'm 18. Okay,

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so it's human nature. It's human nature that there's going to be this tension at that age where you think you are qualified, and your parents, don't think

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you're qualified. And guess what I'm going to be brutally honest here, there is an element of truth to both of them. I'm not saying any one side is right or wrong, you're at that age now where you're not fully independent, you're not, even if you are financially independent, a 22 year old who's just gotten a job is really just a teenager plus two or three, they're not yet fully mature intellectually, life is going to teach you what books cannot teach you degrees are not going to come in to help, you know, and I realized this Subhanallah as I go the age and I, you know, I encourage all of you young men or women to read a quick article, there's a very smart, brief article I wrote,

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it is called 10. For 20 at 40. google it 10 for 20. At 4010 pieces of advice, I'd give my 20 year old self now that I'm 40 years old, few years ago, I turned 40, when I turned 40, I wrote this article went viral is on the Muslim matters blog 10 pieces of advice, I'd write for my 20 year old self now that I'm 40 years old. So I gave 10 pieces of advice that I want every teenager to read. And when I did wrote it was a few years ago, it proved to be very beneficial is still online. And one of the pieces of advice I gave is that. At a young age, we overestimate our own maturity. And we underestimate the wisdom of our elders because of superficial factors. You know, Mark Twain famously

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remarked that I ran away from home at the age of 18. Because I thought my father was an idiot, I came back at the age of 20. And I was surprised at how wise he had become in two years. Okay, this is Mark Twain, being facetious, obviously, that he didn't recognize his own father's wisdom, you know, and I'll be very, again very

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blunt here as well. So my my grandmother, my father's mother, she was actually not educated lady, meaning she didn't go through, she couldn't read and write, she couldn't hear, you know, she's born in the 1920s and whatnot, right. And she passed away as soon as the young ones 2021 years old. And looking back at the memories I have with her so panela, she was uneducated, she could not read and write, right. But the wisdom she had about navigating family, and navigating personal politics, right, and helping solve problems, while law heat books couldn't teach you. Because she's lived experiences and life that, who cares if she can't read and write. She's lived through the ups and

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downs of so many different scenarios and problems and bickering and politics and whatnot. So to be brought in as an elder to solve a problem. The wisdom of my grandmother would be a PhD from any Ivy League here in Assam saying here, right. So my point is that don't trivialize the rules of your parents, just because you think you know, better and realize and you know, our motto is my son, obviously, you know this and Mark my words, son as well. When you have children, you will be probably even stricter than your parents were with you. Because of many factors of them. technology's changing whatnot. Don't think that when you get a wage, you're going to let your kid

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know it doesn't work that way. Right? Your parents are giving you rules because they're caring about you and they want to protect you. Now, you have the right to challenge those rules politely you do. You have the right to say, Father, Mother, I don't think this rule is wise, and explain in a mature manner. Listen to me, young men and women. If you're going to throw a tantrum, you're only proving the point that you need rules. Simple as that. If you're going to throw an emotional tantrum with your mother and father, you're proving that you're not mature, you really want to show them that you're mature, then you act like an adult, and slowly but surely, they're gonna start treating you

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like an adult, you start acting like an adult, slowly, it's not going to be overnight because you don't become an adult overnight, you do not become an adult in just one instant, becoming an adult is a process and it takes years, you know, there are refugee children at the age of 13 they're more mature than some of you at the age of 26. Because of what they've been through, right life will teach them maturity, it's not books, it's not degrees, it's what you undergo in life. So the fact that you think you're an adult means nothing, prove it with your actions, prove it with your maturity. So if your parents you think your parents are unreasonable, sit them down and talk to them

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like an adult and say, you know, you have this rule or this that and I'd like to just make my case and it's up to you because hey, listen, and my son's know this from me, as long as I'm paying the rent intuition, I get to make the laws and rules simple Is that okay? When you are independent and on your own well then that's it. So as long as you know you're dependent on your parents understand there's something called the Golden Rule guys, you should all know it okay? The Golden Rule version be not version a version a we all know Do unto others as you want to be done unto that's the politically correct one. There's an incorrect version as well, right? He who has the gold gets to

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make the rules Simple as that. Okay, so whoever has the gold gets to make the rules, so

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I tell my my sons this all the time that hey, as long as you know, this is exactly what my father said to me as well, as long as you're living under my roof, I get to make the rules. It's very true. It's the reality of life here. You want to prove to your parents that you're fully mature, then you need to learn to pay the bills, you need to learn to demonstrate you are fully independent, you know, and until I have a phrase here, again, listen to this as well, until you come across a time in your life where you're genuinely having to sit down and monitor your budget. And you don't even know if you're going to make rent that particular month. That's what's going to make you mature. That's

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what you're going to make you realize what life is, as long as you're going to fall back on your parents and pulled out your dad's credit card or whatnot. There's going to be a comfort zone in a bubble. That's fine. It's understandable. That's what good parents are for shallow Tada, yes, we want you to succeed. We'll take care of you for that timeframe. But there's going to be a middle timeframe, which most of you in right now, you're not fully adults, even if you think you are, so negotiate firmly and politely. And you know what, I'm sorry to tell you this, but they do have veto power in most of your affairs until you are fully independent, even islamically. They do have veto

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power. And it's just common sense. I mean, again, as long as they're under your under their responsibility, of course, they're what they would, they're going to have veto power. Last point I want to mention, you have the right to be angry. In your heart, you have the right to disagree. You have the right to completely consider their paradigm to be invalid. You do not have the right to be rude to your parents under no circumstances. That's the Koran and all of you know that and I don't need to quote you the Quran and Sunnah. For that you have the right to negotiate with wisdom, you have the right to push back gently. You do not have the right to be rude ever. You have no right in

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this area to be routed obnoxious to your parents. Allah says in the Quran, even if they're forcing you to commit [???]. Don't listen to them, but accompany them in this world with kindness. If that's shift, then how about if they put a curfew on you? How would if they tell you what's the latest is a PS five come out was it PS five right? Yeah, okay. The PS five all of you guys are smirking already. Huh. Okay. That if your father says that, you're not going to get the latest PS five, you know, until whatever, you can do whatever you want, but you don't have the right to be rude because they made a decision that they thought was best for your, for your DNA and alumnos best Yeah.