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Dealing With Childhood Abuse and Confronting An Abuser – Ask Shaykh YQ #142

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Yasir Qadhi

Channel: Yasir Qadhi

Series:

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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A warm

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out sell me Kobe league in

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new he him first Blue Lake Erie.

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. Alhamdulillah. Wa Salatu. Was Salam ala rasulillah. Allah He was happy woman while I'm about today, we are going to answer a question of a very sensitive nature. So this is a trigger warning. The question and the response deals with topics of a very, very sensitive nature, including non consensual acts and acts with minors and the potential obviously abuse. And the question is, from a sister who emailed me a very long email, saying that she was sexually abused as a child by a family member with a a villa. And now that she is an adult, she is having several issues, her email goes into a lot of detail. Not only is she asking for

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general advice for Islamic understanding of what is going on, but the specific questions that she had for me, was that she wants to confront the relative. So many years later, it's been 1520 years. And she says that she does not have any evidence. So does the Sharia. What is the [???]tiest say about this? That is she allowed to bring this topic up. And she's also worried that bringing the topic up will cause disruption in the family? And so Will she be guilty for somehow, you know, breaking the ties of kinship? So this is the question.

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Now, dear brothers and sisters, to be honest, this was a very, very difficult email to read, it was a very difficult question to stomach, I found it very difficult to read, I found it even more difficult to prepare. And I cannot even begin to fathom how difficult the situation would be for this sister and for all brothers and sisters, who are in a similar situation. So today is going to be a relatively lengthy response, it will take up the entirety of our q&a, and it will be divided into three parts. Because, sadly, even though this is a specific email, sadly, I have been receiving such emails and been hearing such matters for literally since the time I began preaching and

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teaching, you know, more than 20 years ago, every few weeks or months, you know, another question comes up, or somebody

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is asking a very sensitive question of this nature. And, really, we need to be more, Frank, in our conversations, we need to educate our brothers and sisters. And especially give them some of the tools that they need to cope with what has happened to some of them. And we also need to break the taboo surrounding these topics because us not talking about them compounds the problem, US pretending when we pretend that this doesn't exist in our community. This is just blatantly wrong. We're lucky, every single scholar out there without exception, who is involved in the community will tell you personal people anecdotes that have come up to them horror stories of you know, maybe even

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their own congregation members that have come up to them. This is something that is well aware. So why don't we talk about this publicly? Why don't we start educating, you know, both sides, I mean, maybe there's somebody out there that are really vulnerable as thinking about such a matter, he needs to hear a heartbeat, he needs to hear something that is better than nothing. I mean, when there's no guaranteed to stop, but definitely needs to be brought up. There's needs to be the fear of God needs to be placed in these people before they undertake this, this path. On the flip side, you have a lot of people who have undergone such traumatic events, and they don't know what to do,

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they don't understand where to go. They themselves are, you know, having issues internally. And so to hear a lecture even if it's going to be generic, today's lecture is all generic, though, then the sisters case I have made it such that we can extrapolate to other you know, people as well, at least some lecture and some words of affirmation of their trauma and some practical steps is better than nothing. So I'm hoping to start breaking this taboo. I'm hoping to at least begin this conversation with the clear caveat, dear brothers and sisters that obviously this is not my training. This is not my area of expertise. I will not be giving specific counseling or psychiatric help. That's not who I

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am or what I'm supposed to do. However, I can give generic Islamic advice and inshallah generic advice with the continual encouragement to go seek professional help. So my talk today is going to be divided into three parts.

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three segments first and foremost advice to this sister and to any brother and sister about what has happened in the past some generic Islamic advice mixed with some basic very broad help that inshallah tada might be useful to them. So first segment is going to be about some generic advice about the past. The second is that, what should they do right now? And to answer the question, specifically, she's asking about confronting, she's asking about, you know, is there any Islamic problem or breaking the ties of kinship or the rights of a relative over her. So she's worried about breaking those rights if she approaches an elder, a senior and Uncle to whoever the person might be.

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So that's the second part of my talk today. The third will be a conclusion that is a general advice to anybody who is listening, especially to parents who think that they are safe and secure. And I hope and pray and shoulder that all of us, I'm also, you know, I'm speaking today, not just as a person who has studied a little bit of Islamic Studies, but also as a parent to a parent. And as somebody who has just read too much and heard too much, that it's

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today's electronics, it was very difficult for me to even prepare. And, you know, it's just, it just brings up a lot of just a lot of just emotions in me, and I can even not even begin to fathom how others, you know, are coping with this. So Bismillah will begin in the name of Allah subhanho wa Taala. So I want to begin by talking a little bit about your past, dear sister, your email, I could sense from it. A lot of pain, a lot of trauma. And I can only give you generic advice, I strongly, strongly advise you to seek the help of a professional trained counselor, I wish I could say it is wajib. I wish I could say that you must go, it's as close to must as possible, you're clearly in

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pain you have undergone something that I can't even have words to I could hardly read. So how about, you know yourself. So there are people dear sister that are trained in dealing with this type of trauma, there has been a lot of research done. And there are people that have many hours of training of how to make you stronger and better, and how to help you overcome. And you know, that discipline that science, it is not related necessarily to the religion of Islam. What I mean by this is that, okay, if you find a Muslim who's trained Alhamdulillah great, but you know what, it's not necessary to go to a Muslim counselor, as long as you go to somebody who's going to, you know, give you good

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and generic advice. I mean, obviously, and in this particular area that you're going to, inshallah anybody you go to is fine. So, we would appreciate if you could find a faith based counselor, there's somebody who's trained in the area of sexual abuse and sexual trauma of youngsters, if you find somebody that is trained in, in counseling, and is of the Muslim background, and hamdulillah. But to be honest, it's very rare to find one of our own specialized in counseling in this area. And so what I'm asking you what I'm telling you is that do not feel ashamed at all to go seek seek help. Dear sister, you know, if my house was burgled, may Allah, protect all of us in our houses, I would

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seek help, you know, from the police, all of us would, you know, something more precious than a house was?

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The rights was even more Sankt sanctified than the house. And that is, Your Honor, something far more precious than physical possessions was transgressed. And that is your sanctity. So why is there a sense in some of us and some of people there's a sense of society makes us feel that there's something wrong if I have to get psychiatric help, and I'm telling you, there is nothing wrong, dear sister, your body was violated? Why would you feel any sense of I mean, why would it be problematic to get help from somebody who can deal with who can express whom you can express to who can help you cope with what has happened to you so many years ago, do not feel ashamed of asking for help. I

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swear to you, I wish I could say it's wiser but I can't you know, it's as close to I do as I can say, you should get help. This is the I can't help you in that regard. It's not my area of expertise. So please get some professional help. And from what I understand, most countries in the world even have free health lines in this regard. Most countries in the world, especially Western countries, they have free health helplines in this regard, so Google in your country, find out you know where you can get that type of help. Also, dear sister, realize that what happened to you is not your fault from your email. I can sense that you are an incredibly brave and strong woman, you

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shall survive. you survive the past, you shall survive through today, and you shall survive and shallow to either till the future until Allah azza wa jal wills we all have to leave on to the next life. But please do not have evil thoughts about finishing this life. That's not

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The way Muslims go down, we put our trust in a law. And we have full trust that tomorrow is a better day than yesterday, we have a full trust that insha Allah, Allah, our future is going to be brighter will an alpha two highroller come in and Allah, that what's going to come to you is better than what happened in the past, you shall survive through this. And you shall be a stronger person and a better person and a more courageous person, because of all that has happened. And I want to say very explicitly, that you reference in your email, that there is a sense of guilt coming from you. I want to say this as clearly as possible. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. You have nothing

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to do with the crime that occurred, you were the subject of that crime. If this crime happened against you, you were not the one who perpetrated it. It was perpetrated against you. And you know, psychiatrists say that self blame is a very common symptom of abuse, you were a child, it's not your responsibility, do not double guess and say, I didn't do this, I maybe I did that enough. No, no, no, stop, do not go down that route. You were a child, it's not your responsibility to do anything, it was his responsibility to not do something. So you cannot and you should not go down this this this road of self blaming, or self analysis or thinking, What if I had done this done that do not go

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down this and you know what, in fact, our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he even said to us adults, that do not open the door of what if do not say, if only I had done this, then that would have happened, because that's just opening up the door to shaytaan. He said this to us as adults, you're not supposed to do that. How much more so when you were a child, and then you may be shaped on comes to you and and this is all shaytaan making you even feel you don't have to feel guilty? It's not your responsibility. What happened? What you did, or what you did not do? You were a little boy or little girl. It's not your prerogative, it's not your responsibility. So do not open this

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door of shape on that you start feeling a sense of maybe I did something wrong. Maybe I didn't do enough. No, that's you. We're not an adult. Now, we're not talking about somebody who's consensual for 30 4050 years old. That's a totally different thing to consensual adults. Definitely, you know, I'm not going to be sugarcoating it. I'll say you know what, both of you should have you know, done this and that but Subhan Allah as a child, no, we shut that door completely. You have zero guilt on you nothing of this nature. Also, the issue of depression and of thoughts. I mean, Subhanallah I mean, I should be blunt here. I mean, thoughts of suicide and whatnot. Really. We need to again,

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dear sister, Allah says in the Quran, what telco todo fusa comenta la Carnaby Kumara Hema don't kill yourselves allies ever Merciful. In the very verse about suicide. Allah subhanho wa Taala mentions his name, but I imagine him in the very verse that prohibits suicide, you know, Allah subhana wa tada says, I am the Forgiving, I'm the merciful. I'm the one who has Rama and Rama is a compassion that is meant to bring benefit to you. So turn to Allah subhana wa Tada. And get help. I keep on saying I'm going to say this so many times. This is not an area that most chefs and scholars and religious teachers, you know, we were not taught this in the University of Medina or in us or

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wherever you go. Islamic Studies is a discipline that is meant to give you fatwas. It's meant to teach you theology. It's meant to derive, you know, to see it and laws. It is not meant for counseling and therapy. And I've been saying this for the longest time, the majority of scholars are not trained to be therapists and counselors, so do not go to a chef, thinking that the chef is going to counsel you unless the chair has training outside. I mean, obviously, you can have multiple areas of expertise. That's why please the chef is not meant for the counseling. The shift has meant for Islamic advice and generic and even I am telling you that go to a counselor go to somebody who is an

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actual professional. Also, I always say that, you know, there are three F's that really help faith family and friends, along with counseling, three F's are always very helpful. And especially in that order, faith, family and friends, faith, you know, there is no doubt that faith is helpful. This does not mean that, you know, faith is going to be the end all cure for every problem that you are facing. No, you know, there are some times you need medical help. There's sometimes you need a therapist, you know, faith can only take you so far. But you know, I'll tell you one thing, faith is never going to harm you faith, the more faith you have, it's never going to be at your detriment.

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True. You can have the highest faith in the world and you still have issues that have to be dealt with. So those are two separate things. Nonetheless, generically increase your connection with Allah subhana wa Tada This never gonna harm you increase your doors to open your heart to Allah subhana wa tada have conversations with him. Especially in the middle of the night when everybody is asleep. You wake up and you have that prayer and that huddle.

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With a lot of Hana, which is also of the things that you can be doing is just, you know, extra Vicar and Koran and spirituality. So that's faith family, find the family. And we're going to come to this issue in the part two of your question as well. But you must have some cousins or some people that you can, you know, get some love and comfort and validation from and then close friends. So faith family and friends along with, of course, professional help.

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Now, your email did not mention this, but I'm going to mention some other symptoms for others to benefit from that study show that such type of trauma that occurs, especially to a young child, it leads to many problems already mentioned, you know, some of them, which is, for example, guilt and self blame, and depression and suicidal thoughts. There are other problems also that are associated with this of them is eating disorders or substance abuse. So it's as if refuge is sought by overeating or by substance abuse. And of course, that's not the way you know to go is not going to help in the long run. Also, a lot of times, it's common that trust issues, it's difficult to have

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trust with somebody. And again, that's fully understandable. Because you know, a child is supposed to trust every adult, when an adult and especially a family member breaks that trust, what do you think is going to happen to the psyche of that child. So again, this is understandable, and that's why we need that's why we need trained counselors, because counselors, they're able to we have lots of research done now, so much has been done of psychoanalysis of psychiatric training of hundreds of 1000s of hours of on the field, you know,

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experiences that have been culled together. And there's a lot done. And frankly, I mean, again, truth be told, more has been done on this side of the Atlantic than the other side. So take benefit from these types of counselors and therapists to help you develop in these trust issues, it's also very common, that relationships become problematic. So perhaps a young man or young lady has suffered this trauma, and then they move on, they get married, but then they cannot form the connection with their spouse that that they should. And again, this goes back to that trust issue. And then, of course, obviously, a lot of times there are intimacy problems within marriage, that

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perhaps even she or he is not even aware, it goes back to that issue of childhood that they're struggling and and you know, they think they've overcome it, they think they're fine. But then, at that moment of intimacy, psychologically, subconsciously, a flashback happens, something happens beyond their control. And of course, the other partner might be totally unaware, might not even know what happened. And then that's going to cause problems in the marriage, because again, from his or her perspective, what am I doing wrong? Why is this happening, etc, etc. So that is why I keep on saying, dear sister, and of course, I'm speaking to you, but through your speaking to anybody who is

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in the situation, do not hesitate to get help from those that have spent lifetimes trained for many, many hours. That's what that's what their expertise is in. I can only give you generic advice, go to them for specific advice be be aware that not only is it something that, you know, there's nothing wrong with it. But on the contrary, I have had many cases of people that have come to me that have improved drastically improved greatly after going through therapy from trained counselors. And so I speak firsthand, meaning through the people that I know, I speak firsthand that it can potentially be very, very effective. Now, you also in your email, you asked a very difficult question, which is

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actually my area, that's now you're coming to my area. And that is you're asking about, you know, as a Muslim, you're struggling with the religious, the theological dimensions of this tragedy, and you're trying to come to terms with some very, very difficult questions. And I wished your sister that I could give you a 32nd response that is watertight, that will eliminate all of those doubts, I wish that I could help you understand, you know, those difficult questions of why and how and what not theologically, but I will tell you, that like you are struggling, not only us as mankind, even the angels struggled in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Even the angels were asking that very

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difficult question. Why Allah? Because when Allah announced to mankind, that to the angels, that he's creating this new creation called mankind, the angels said, why would you create a species or a law that's going to cause so much evil? Why would you do that they're going to be killing and doing all of these crimes attached to alpha men you've seen up here and what happened to your sister, that's the facade that's mentioned. What what's happened to you, that's a manifestation of facade and facade is to go beyond the bounds to hurt people that don't deserve to be heard. That's the worst type of facade and the angels are asking all that

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Law, why would you do that? I want to know. And Allah subhana wa tada said, basically, essentially, you will have to trust me in the ilmu malata mode. I know what you don't know. In other words, even the angels, despite the fact that they have more faith than us, and they're more intelligent than us, they would not be able to fully understand philosophically to get a simple response. Why did this happen? Allah said to the angels, you're going to have to trust me. And so we begin to answer this question of why, with how Allah answered the angels, that you have to begin with a sense of trust, you have to begin with, you know what, even if I don't fully understand, Allah Subhana, WA,

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tada, does, and he created me, and he loves me, and he shall protect me. And what happened was indeed difficult. But even through that, and what I'm seeing now, there's so much positives in my life as well. And I need to concentrate on the positives and work to improve my life. And Allah xojo will reward me for the negatives. So here's the the the point here is that the question of trying to understand why, you know, some people, they begin with a very arrogant premise, and they begin with the premise that if I don't understand why, well then I'm going to blame God, or I'm going to reject God, you know, literally, that's their paradigm, that if my mind does not comprehend why this

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happened, right, then inshallah you are not like this history. No, but I'm saying there are people like this in mankind, that if they don't understand why this evil happened, they end up blaming God, and you know, who's the first person to do that? None other than shaytaan himself. shavon blamed a lot of xojo for getting kicked out of of heaven. shaitaan blamed Allah for getting misguided, even though of course, you know, it shaytaan was done in that case, of course, I mean, this does not apply to that it's not no child's fault. But shaitaan was the one that did what he did. But still, he ended up blaming a lot. My point is that we do not blame a lot as the origin for evils we don't

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ascribe evil to a lot, even if evil exists, we do not ascribe it to Allah, out of respect and other for Allah subhana wa Tada. And we also need to be careful that the assumption that our minds are going to comprehend the wisdom of pain and suffering the wisdom of evil, that is an assumption that expects our minds to have far, much more knowledge, our finite minds can never understand the infinite wisdom of Allah subhana wa Tada. However, there are certain things that we can bring, I want to, by the way, mentioned, an anecdote that happened to me or I met somebody of this nature.

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More than a decade ago, more than a decade ago, I

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I want an official state delegation for American state department, the US State Department to Auschwitz and how a group of Muslim clerics and imams seven, eight of us were chosen. And I was one of them chosen to go to visit Auschwitz, and how this was more than a decade ago, the the concentration camps of the of the Nazis, and because we were, you know, an official state delegation,

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connections, you know, we're there and whatnot. And so, you know, I was very fortunate, and I do say, this fortunate, I was very fortunate to meet some of the Holocaust survivors, you know, although they're passed away now, I went there 10 years ago, and I met one of them who was in Auschwitz, and he saw the, the the camps, he lived through the camps, and he slaughtered the gas chambers, and he saw his own friends being picked and he was not picked. And, you know, we had, there's actually pictures and a video of this somewhere online, I think, you know, because it was all videotaped. He, you know, unfolded his arm and showed us that tattoo, like literally, I saw with

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my own eyes, I was there. There's a picture of that somewhere. They The New York Times has an interview with me, and they have that picture there that, you know, I'm looking at this person, and he's showing us the, the tattoo, and then he gave us his story, mesmerizing. And I have to say, that was one of the most

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moving times of my life from a non spiritual perspective mean when I say spirits, I mean, like heroin, Mecca, Medina, which I mean, that's obviously one genre for outside of the domain. And outside of that, meeting these types of two, three people we met and hearing their stories, and it was just surreal for me, after that was q&a. Remember, this is a man that has lived through Auschwitz and how I was the first to raise my hand. And I said, you know, you are from a, you know, Jewish background. How did your experiences affect your faith? How did you experiences affect your faith? And his answer was disappointing. And I'm going to say it because we need to learn from the

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good and the bad of all the people we need to learn from their good and their bad. And this was a mistake that he made Didn't you know, it was something that we have to learn from his face scowled? No, I mean, in one sense, he's gone through his literally gone through the Nazi extermination camps. He's literally seen what I don't

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You know, what percentage would have seen this right? His face scaffold. And he said, there is or whatever they said there is no God. And he said, My experiences in Auschwitz made me give up my faith. What I saw made me give up my faith. And you know, that is one. That is one possibility of somebody that goes through trauma. But Allah subhanho wa Taala says in the Quran, that there are two types of people, there's one type that if bad happens, he basically turns away from Allah subhanho wa Taala woman and so many people do lie in the house, they worship a lot conditionally. So if bad happens to him, he turns his back and walks away. And if good happens, then and only then he

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worships Allah subhanho wa Taala. You see, we worship a lot through the thick and thin, we worship Allah, through times of difficulty and times of ease, we worship a low regardless because He is worthy of being worshipped. And even if I cannot understand something that has happened to me, it does not negate all of the other blessings. It does not negate my life. You know, the air that I breathe the beautiful You know, the family and friends that I have the life that I live, and most importantly, it does not negate the existence of God Himself, or the existence of the rewards and, and pleasures of Allah subhana wa Tada. So, I wish I can have a simple answer to answer your

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difficult question. All I can say is that there must be a sense of trust that Allah azza wa jal says in the Quran, now you can live Allahu neffs and Illa we saw her, no soul is burdened with something more than what it can bear. And so you might have been burdened with more than what many other souls can bear. But you were not burdened with more than what you could bear. And here you are now, strong, powerful, having gone through all love what you've gone through, and you're still alive. You've made it through that difficult dark tunnel. And here you are, and you have the rest of your life ahead of you. And Allah azza wa jal knows what that life holds. So, look back. But don't dwell,

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look back. But then turn away and walk forward. benefiting from your wisdom and maturity, your courage and bravery. Let your experiences shape you but don't define you let your experiences shape you for the better. But don't be defined by your past. And lo know that for every negative that happens to you. There's always two positives for in America. So you run in Madras, you know that for every difficulty, there's going to be multiple blessings in your life. And the more the difficulties, the more the blessings, dear sister in Islam, I have no doubt I don't know you. I don't know your you know, your name. Email was anonymous as well. I don't know anything about you.

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But I know one thing unless promises true. And that promise tells me that because of all the negatives that you've had in your life, that you must have so many positives as well. And those positives will far outweigh the negatives. But unfortunately, you know, our problem. My problem is that when a small ant bites me, I neglect the beauty around me, you know, and I'm not trying to trivialize your problem saying myself something small happens, I trivialize the beauty around me. So in your case, it wasn't something small, it was very, very traumatic. It was very big. But Allah azza wa jal put you through it, knowing that there is something on the other side that will be

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better for you, and this world, and then the next as well. Because here's the point, you know, I can understand Honestly, I can understand, if somebody doesn't believe in a hereafter. And Auschwitz happens, the Nazi concentration camps happen or this happens. They they in their world, you know, they don't understand why they reject God. But see, here's the point as Muslims, we don't believe that this life is the end. We believe that there is a next life. So how can anybody who believes in the next life How can anybody and Deb rejecting Allah subhana wa Taala because it's the next life where the good shall be rewarded for their good and the evil shall be punished for their evil, dear

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sister, one of the ways you need to overcome what happened in the past is to think of the future and by future, I don't mean you're in my tomorrow, I mean, the Day of Judgment future, I mean, when you will stand in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And you will be rewarded infinitely more than you can imagine for your patience. And when you will stand in front of Allah subhana wa Tada. And you will be able to point at your perpetrator in front of the court of law on the day of judgment when a law she'll be on his throne judging the creation and you will be able to point at your perpetrator and say that man did such and such now it's his turn to be punished and the satisfaction you will

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get because here's the point your sister will law whatever happens to that man in this world throw in jail or just that it's not enough. That's not justice. What so what if he goes to jail and has three meals a day

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And you know, air to breathe and TV to watch it. How is that a punishment for the meaning commensurate? I should say? How is that a commensurate punishment for what trauma that he has caused a little girl Think about that. It's only Allah subhana wa Taala that can deal with justice, the way that justice should be dealt with. It is a law so again, who serves ultimate justice? And that is why we have to wait for that day to receive that ultimate justice. There's a beautiful Hadith in the southern Indian imagine that when the cousin of the prophets of Allah Why do you have a chapter and we've never thought of when he returned to Medina, the prophet system you know, really liked him it

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was his favorite cousin one of his favorite cousins you know, very friendly relationship with him and Jaffa rhodiola one, and so he asked Jaffa de la one that tell me some of the stories tell me some of the strange things you saw, you know, in inhibition I was in here. And so Jaffa gave this story. He said, O Messenger of Allah, one day, there was an elderly lady from the clergy class, you know, from the right righteous religious folks amongst them. And she was carrying a jug of water and a group of hooligans, a group of ruffians, the young men, you know, from a higher class, socio economic class basically saw her and began mocking her and one of them came and pushed her so hard

00:31:21--> 00:32:04

that she fell down on her, you know, back and the jug of water crashed all the difficult water she was carrying, it crashed, and they all began, you know, laughing around her. And so, and she's an elderly lady, what's going to happen? You know, there must have been socio economic differences, there must have been ethnic divides, there must also be that poor notion of making fun of religious folks as well. All of this is being compounded right? So she turns around in her anger, and she says, You traitor, or you know, you evil person. What will you do on the day that Allah shall bring his kursi out, and shall gather all of mankind in front of him, and every single person's limbs will

00:32:04--> 00:32:49

testify in front of Allah of what they used to do? Where will you find protection? On that day? I shall have a case against you. On that day, you will see what's going to happen between us the profits of the law, why you sell them confirmed the truth of what that elderly Abyssinian lady said she had no help in this world in this world. This ruffians, the hooligans, they managed to make fun of her laugh at her, you know, mock her and her anger she could not say anything except wait till the Day of Judgment. And you know what our Prophet system said? saw that she has spoken the truth, she has spoken the truth. How will Allah subhana wa Taala honor people that does not take care of

00:32:49--> 00:33:31

their weak against their powerful Subhan Allah, He affirmed the words of the old lady, if an old lady can complain on the day of judgment about a group of young men who pushed her and broke her water jug, then what do you think about the little girl who was violated repeatedly by somebody whom she was supposed to trust? And somebody who claimed to love her? What do you think will be the affair of that person? Dear sister, and through you all brothers and sisters, take consolation that there's something called Judgment Day, you must because it will keep your sanity. You must, because this is how you're going to contextualize what is happening. You must because that is your only

00:33:31--> 00:34:12

salvation. That is your ultimate justice. Not necessarily this world, this world might be partial justice, but it is on the day of judgment that you will get your full rewards and your perpetrators will face the wrath of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And especially for a crime of this nature, a compounded crime, a crime of innocence, a crime involving a young child, a crime, of penetration of intercourse, a crime of non consensual of a minor of a life ruined, will lie. How can such a person you know I mean, we leave the repentance to alarm and I should not say anything more than this. But no doubt this is a major, major, major sin no doubt what this person has done is something that's

00:34:12--> 00:34:53

really it checks all the boxes of a major sin and this is something that they will have to stand in front of Allah subhana wa tada and Allah azza wa jal will deal with them the way that they deserve to be dealt with. So in trying to cope with these thoughts of yours, of why and how I urge you to find the answer, not necessarily logically, but spiritually, let your heart answer you. Let your heart connect with Allah subhanho wa Taala and find an answer that is in the joy of a man in Allah subhanho wa Taala that will be more powerful than any pseudo rational or intellectual response because in the end of the day, Alyssa to the angels, I know what you do not know. This was all part

00:34:53--> 00:35:00

one day said there's three parts of today's lecture the second part that was of the past the second part, you asked me islamically

00:35:00--> 00:35:36

Is it allowed to confront your relatives? And you brought up two things that Firstly, you have no evidence. And secondly, you are worried about, you know, the rights of this person on you and potentially breaking the ties of kinship. Now, to answer this question as well, there are three sub parts. Okay? Again, this is a very difficult topic. And there's so much to be said. Firstly, there is an Islamic angle, which is what I'm going to be very explicit about. Secondly, there's a psychological angle. And thirdly, there's a legal angle and I'm just going to reference those two because that's not my that's not my area of expertise. Before you decide to confront to bring up

00:35:36--> 00:35:37

this topic publicly.

00:35:38--> 00:36:18

Let me answer you islamically islamically, you are in the clear Alhamdulillah no problems here. islamically. You have the right to speak against anybody who has caused you harm. You talk about lack of evidence. You see, lack of evidence applies when you are a third party when it has nothing to do with you. Then you remain quiet. You don't base your religion, or your accusations on hearsay. You cannot go and say Hey, I heard you stole money. No, you cannot do that. That's not but now, if you were the person whose money was stolen right for you, or the person whose honor was transgressed, now, you are the evidence, your word against his word, but in the sense you're

00:36:18--> 00:36:48

exonerated to speak now, whether you choose to speak or not, that is a separate issue. You're asking, Is it allowed to speak and I'm telling you, it is allowed, whether you choose to do so we will talk about some of the areas you need to think about but only you can decide, Allah says in the Quran, and sort of the Nisa verse 148. So please, you can look this up yourself. Now you have below Jehovah assuming metacoda in lemon Boolean, what kind of lava Semyon Allah, Allah does not like that somebody verbalizes some evil speech that something has like Bye bye.

00:36:49--> 00:37:26

Odd like you accuse somebody of doing something wrong. Allah does not like that you publicize that. If somebody's drinking. You just go and you're right. Hey, so and so's drinking. Hey, so and so's doing this I saw them, you know, with another lady flirting this that a lot is not like that you go publicize these things, then alum makes one exception. It learn from William, except for the one who was wronged himself. Except for the one who was wronged The one who was wronged. Yes, they may go and say hey, that guy stole my money. Hey, that guy embezzled my funds. Hey, that guy promised me such and such. And he lied. He said that this and that he gave him the money and he never beta or

00:37:26--> 00:38:01

whatever it might be. You have the right to then go speak about somebody who has done you harm. And in the famous Hadith and Sunnah without and I mentioned this another q&a that I did about the punishment of rape, you can look this up, I mentioned the Hadith that a lady was raped. And this is an adult lady, a lady who was raped. And she accused without four witnesses because it's her accusation. I mean, she's the one that was raped. And so she accused so and so you know, did it and so the process and brought him and then asking questions, so the point being, he didn't get angry at her that Oh, why did you accuse without four witnesses? You do not need

00:38:02--> 00:38:42

to have the witnesses when you're trying to get your rights. Okay, you have the right to accuse somebody else of the wrong they have done to you. Allah says in the Quran wunderman into Santa Barbara, do me a favor, like Mr. Lehmann severe, whoever seeks help after wrong has been done to him or her. There is no sin on such a person to seek help. To seek help means you go to people, hey, I was wronged. Hey, this happened. So Allah is saying whoever seeks help from other people. After injustice was done. There is no sin on him. And our Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Mutt little honey, little moon Valmont, that if a person owes you money, and they don't repay you that

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money, despite the fact that they have the means to do so. Then you are allowed to speak publicly about that person. And you may publicly say, hey, that guy, he owes me $10,000. And you know, he hasn't paid up. Now, that's a very embarrassing thing that you accuse somebody of, hey, you're not honoring your promise, you promise me that you're going to give me my money for this or that and I still need it. And I clearly see you have money. So you're allowed to break generally speaking, generally speaking, you cover the false of people. If they're not, you know, nothing to do with you. Like I said, I explained, if you see somebody drinking, why should you go and expose their sin, but

00:39:20--> 00:39:59

now if the fault that they have done involves you, it is against you. In this case, you have every right here the profitsystem is saying if somebody owes you money, and they're being stingy and they don't pay up, the President said it is hella completely you Hillary though it is hella to speak about his honor and basically trash him in a correct manner by trashing him. I mean, you point out, hey, this guy owes me money. And you know, I saw him you know, I mean, he's, he's buying new cars for himself, and he's not paying me my money, for example. So you are trashing his honor, meaning you're being factual right? As long as you're doing that, so if owing, you know $500 $1,000 opens up

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the door to

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speak about the honor of a person, then what do you think of a person who has done far worse than steal or not repay? $500 or $1,000? So you have every right to speak, if you choose to do so, as for this question that you had that,

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you know, the rights of kinship and what not so panela, dear sister, dear sister, this person, when he did what he did to you, he removed any privilege he might have had otherwise, if he's older, to you, senior to you, relative of yours, uncle of yours, cousin of yours, whatever it might be, the minute that he crossed those boundaries, he has lost that sanctity and respect that you can now or somebody has told you, I think, or whatever that hey, this person is, you know, the elder of a family or he's this or that. We were was that eldership? Where was that protection? If he was the elder, he should have been the first to protect you, if that was his, you know, his respect to be

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given to him? Where was that respect when he was perpetrating the crime? So if that is your concern, then it should not at all be there is no honor given to somebody who is abusing a child who is a below what honor is there? What honor is there what respect is there for somebody with a bill I mean,

00:41:18--> 00:42:00

this was a very difficult lecture for me to prepare Sister, I cannot even imagine how it must be free will lie in my mind cannot comprehend. I'm a parent, you know, for, I can't comprehend how a human can do this, to be honest. So the point being, you have no, there is no problem at all, to consider that this person has lost every respect, you have the right to expose him, if you choose to do so there is no privilege that he can invoke over you, because of his age, because of his rank because of his relationship, because he helped your father when the younger doesn't matter. Whatever happened in the past, something happened that removed all of that privilege. Now, that is from an

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Islamic perspective. So I said, there's three Islamic, psychological and legal. You asked me, I have to bring up the other two, but they're not my forte, Islamic perspective, you have the green light if you choose to do so. But please remember, dear sister, that there's two other areas, the psychological and the legal. As for the legal, you need to speak to a lawyer about this? Is that what what exactly is going to happen? Is there a statute of limitations that will vary from state to state? What will happen if the police get involved? What will happen if potentially, he denies what will happen if there's a countersuit of libel and whatnot? These are questions you have to ask these

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are of a legal nature, not of an Islamic nature. So that's something that you need to think about before you proceed. And then of course, the issue comes up the psychological nature. Right. And that's something that again, you need to speak to a therapist about. Are you ready? to, to to mention names? Are you ready for the blowback? Because there's going to be blowback sister realize this right? I mean, are you yourself in a safe spot, in your own mind? Are you? Have you recovered enough? to go further? Have you reached a safe space now that you feel that you can now begin another journey? Because see, this is going to be another journey? And so and again, I am not going

00:43:24--> 00:44:08

to answer these questions, by asking the next series of questions. By the way, I am not seeking to dissuade you. I'm seeking to make sure you understand the potential repercussions of opening this door. Because there's going to be blowback. Do you have the strength to potentially relive all of those memories when you're confronted when you're challenged? When names and dates are asked when specific details are asked? You have to think through this very carefully. And speak to professional therapist not me speak to professional terror therapist, because this might lead to a new round of trauma, this might lead to a new an entire new cycle. confrontation is not an easy decision, because

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it will bring with it a whole set of new issues. And again, I'm not here to persuade you or to dissuade you. That's not my job or role. islamically you have the green light. But I'm asking you to speak to a professional, a trained therapist, because that person will go over all of these questions with you on a one on one basis and other questions that again, I'm not it's not my forte, nor do we have the time to get into that you have to really ask yourself what is going to happen when if and when a denial like what are you looking for? Are you looking for an apology? statistically speaking, that doesn't happen most of the time. It just doesn't statistically. Are you

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looking for making amends? Are you looking for seeing your day in court? A court is always difficult simply because the court requires a level of evidence that is different than accusations because again, you have the right to accuse but now in the court of law

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You have the right to accuse, but that there has to be some evidence beyond just accusations. Again, I'm not I fully I fully believe your story. But again, you know, you have to understand from that from the legal system as well. So all of these questions, again, these are very difficult questions. And that's why you need to speak to a professional. How will you deal with the potential trauma of not being believed by those whom you thought should believe you? You know, right now you kept it to yourself, it looks like, what's going to happen if those that you really trust are the first to say no, no, that's just an imagined memory? Or worse than this? What? How is that going to affect you?

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Are you ready for that? So all of these questions you need to really think about, like, what do you hope to achieve? What type of closure do you want? Is it that you want to vent your anger, because this is a lot of anger to vent, and you just want to that is your therapy, your anger against this person will be therapeutic, which is great. And the blowback is something you don't care about. Maybe then in that case, definitely greenlight, go for it? Or do you expect an apology or making amends? In which case you have to think long and hard? If that doesn't happen? What's the, you know, alternative? Also, there will potentially be a division within the family, because these types of

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accusations and again, please don't misunderstand me I am not telling you to do or to not do. I'm simply saying your job along with your counselor is to talk these things through and to make sure you're ready. That's all I'm trying to do here. Please do not misunderstand that I'm trying to dissuade you not at all these difficult questions are meant to prepare, you are meant to cause you to think through all of these scenarios, do not undertake a rash decision when it comes to confrontation. Because a lot of times and I speak from people and again, I mean, hamdulillah I'm not speaking from personal experience, but you know, because of who I am when people come to me, you

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hear all of these, you know, things first 10 generally speaking, confrontations typically leads to a new series of traumas, and the first one is not healed. So think about that. Is that something that potentially you're willing to go down? Because it has pros and cons to feel validation from some family members, especially from key family members might make it worth your while? Do you have a backup? Do you have a group of people that you know, you can feel safe and they will believe you perhaps ask your closest circle of family and friends that you can really trust that? What should you do? Okay, so praise the hardest will Allah subhana wa tada asked that inner inner inner circle

00:47:32--> 00:48:17

and speak to a psychiatrist, three things need to be done psychologically, before you confront okay? islamically, I've told you, you have the green light, there is no problem islamically to accuse. Now, I make one exception, when it comes to hesitating, psychological and make one exception. And that is, if there is a real chance that the perpetrator might still be doing these things to a child. Now you have an obligation now, you have to muster up your courage, and put your trust in Allah because now another child's future is at stake here. So if there is that potential, then I please urge you to try your best. And again, I cannot, you know, there is no command to use you, you

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know best if it's really, you have to go and speak to somebody or go through. But that changes a scenario. But from what I understood, this is something that, you know, it happened in the past, you know, 1520 years ago, and now, it's not as if there's linoleum, do these people change or repent or not? I mean, Allah No. So you need to make the best, you know, judgment call in that regard and weigh the pros and cons. So to answer your second question about confrontation, I said, there's three angles, you need to look at number one, the Islamic angle, you have the green light. Number two, the psychological repercussions there. It's not my job to tell you what to do. It's your job

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with your therapist and counselors, you think about some of these questions. And then there's a legal issue. And again, speak to a lawyer. Because what if I owe the biller this evil person flips around, and then wants to sue you for libel and slander? I don't know the laws of states vary, I'm not a lawyer, you need to also be so look at these three avenues. And then practice the harder speak to your closest closest confidence. And then put your trust in Allah subhanho wa Taala after you speak with your counselor, so that's my, the second talker the second portion, we now move on to the final portion, which is the conclusion and general advice for parents. Dear parents, this was a very

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difficult topic merely to talk about. You know, I'm going to be honest, you I have no doubt that many of you just turned off in the middle of the q&a and just said, No, I don't want to listen to this.

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Some people don't have the luxury of turning off the memories that happen to them. If you had the luxury to turn this video off and just walk away. Thank Allah. Thanks a lot. Thanks a lot. But realize

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There are statistics that are harrowing, that are shocking. Here in America, it is estimated that roughly one out of four girls is sexually abused. And for boys, the statistics vary. But you know, when the one that I read one out of 10, some say one out of 14 boys will be sexually abused, we're talking about sexual, we're not talking about physical abuse or whatnot, that's bad in its own way. Sexual Abuse compounds the problem, sexual abuse is the worst type you can do to a young child.

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And one out of four out with a bla bla bla. And, you know,

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I know I'm going to get into a lot of trouble escalus forgiveness and protection.

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I want to say that according that

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I'm alone with Stan, it's difficult to even say these types of things. But I am fairly confident that that statistic is higher in our cultures than it is outside of our cultures, I asked us forgiveness if I'm wrong, I asked a lot of forgiveness have I've gone overboard, but anecdotally, I have taught not 10s of 1000s, actually hundreds of 1000s of Muslims that hamdulillah through the classes I've done personally one on one. And throughout those classes, throughout interacting with people from across this country in the Western world, the number of stories that you hear. And in some classes, when I was teaching a particular topic, I actually did an anonymous survey. And the

00:51:34--> 00:52:17

statistics amongst the females was more than one out of four. Now I'm not, I'm not a trained psychiatry, so you can put all the caveats, it's anecdotal, etc, etc. But I think I'm fairly confident in stating that in our cultures, for whatever reason, and this is a fault of our cultures or with the validity of our religion or religion is perfect, but we are human. In our cultures, I feel that the statistic is higher than one out of four. Be that as it may, even one out of four will lie even one out of 100 is bad enough, but one out of four, to understand what that means out of four girls, one is being abused. How can we turn a blind eye? How can we ignore how can we make this

00:52:17--> 00:52:53

topic taboo for the love of God and then the love of our children? Let's talk about this publicly. Let's talk about this. Clearly, we do not want this to happen to a single child, much less one out of three, or one out of four, much less our own communities and our own massages to be loved. And you know, one thing I haven't even brought up yet because again, there's so much to talk about. It's not because it's taboo. For me at least. And that is the abuse of the clergy. In this particular case, the sister emails is the abusive an uncle. Okay, that's bad, that's very bad. And what is also very bad, which is unfortunately also common, sometimes it's the Quran teacher, sometimes it's the

00:52:53--> 00:53:29

clergyman is the person whom you trusted, because he's supposed to be a man of God, and he ends up doing this to your child or rubella, rubella. And you know, that ends up a whole different problem. And that problem is this young man or woman then grows up hating the faith, because a man who was supposed to be the man of the faith was the one who did this to him or her. And then you want me to be quiet about this. You want us to be as if it's embarrassing, as if we're going to cover up the villa. Somebody's got to be blunt. And somebody's got to just say this loudly and clearly. We need to talk about the rampant sexual abuse that is within our own cultures and societies, sometimes by

00:53:29--> 00:54:07

the elders, sometimes by the men that are supposed to be Koran teachers, sometimes better men that are supposed to be the men of faith, and we seek Allah's refuge from all such evil with a bill that listen dear brothers and sisters, all of us are sinners, I'm a sinner, you're a sinner. But you know, there's a special category of sinners that we should have zero sympathy for, and that is those that are perpetrating sexual violence against children or with a biller, I have zero sympathy zero for somebody that will abuse his position, either as an elder or as a family member, or as a religious person to then do something of this nature. I owe the villa with a villa. So dear brothers

00:54:07--> 00:54:09

and sisters Enough is enough.

00:54:10--> 00:54:51

Hi, apologists, we're getting emotional. But we're like a is just something that it needs to be said. And I hope that in sha Allah, if I've said anything wrong grasp or loss forgiveness in this regard, but I'm saying in my conclusions here, that these statistics are unbelievable. And whether they're worse or not in our societies or cultures, they are bad enough one out of four, I mean, it is mind boggling one out to four will lie it is mind boggling. I was so the statistic that again, I want to also share with you that the majority of this abuse, the majority of it occurs from people that the family knows, and this is another unbelievable statistic, the most prominent organization

00:54:51--> 00:54:59

that is researching sexual abuse in North America. They released a survey was a two years ago 93% of abusers

00:55:00--> 00:55:40

Yours are known to their victims 93% 70% 7% stranger 7% somebody that no idea and you know, that's okay 7% you cannot protect against the complete unknowns 93% of abuse is from family and friends, let that seep in. Around 35% are from immediate family members of that 93. And around, you know, 60, roughly less than 60% is from friends. So one out of three is from immediate family, and almost two out of three, a little bit less than two out of three, it is from friends. Now.

00:55:43--> 00:56:20

Where does one begin with this as well? We all say no, no, no, not not. Not Not, not my family and friends not? That's my dear brothers and sisters, one out of four, statistically statistically, does that protect you and me? One out of four, How many children do you have? How many sons and daughters do you have? And again, abuse is rampant amongst girls and boys. Yes, more girls, but also boys, it happens too much. Even one out of 12 is bad enough for boys one out of that one out of four for girls 93% from immediate family and friends. Now, I'm not telling you to now start doubting your own siblings and your own Oh, come on, we should not personally, but I'm telling you to take

00:56:20--> 00:56:57

precautions. I'm telling you to be wise, I'm telling you to be reasonable. I'm telling you to not be naive, and to get your head out of the sand and say, Oh, it's not going to happen anywhere. Dear Muslims, it's rampant in our societies and cultures, one out of four, it's rampant, do not think that it can never happen. I asked protection for my daughters and for your daughters, I have daughters to ask protection for them. But you cannot be naive that this is a reality of our communities and of the world around us. So I'm not asking you to double guess any friend that comes or any family member, I'm asking you to be reasonable. And to err on the side of caution what can be

00:56:57--> 00:57:30

done again, this is a whole different topic, but some basic things. And by the way, you know, even a profit system, what advice to give will lie such beautiful advice. And this isn't a society that this was not a common thing for that society. But our Profit System said that when children reach you know, at the age of 10 years old, make them separate in the beds, don't let the girls and this is when they had one room for all the kids. So they're all sleeping together, our processing said make the boys one place that grows another place in the same room in our times if you're able to put them in different rooms, excellent. They're siblings. But you know, shaytan comes at night. Shaytan

00:57:30--> 00:58:07

comes in in the privacy when nobody's there. So sometimes a person might not even know that he's capable of this thing. But all alone at night or this or that nobody's watching she athon takes over him. So don't give that opportunity. So what can be done some generic advice of the things that you should do to your parents is to teach your children teach your children about HIA about safety protocols, even from the age of two or three. Tell them about body parts and what's private use name that they'll understand you don't have to use technical medical terms use names that's funny for them don't understand. Teach them add them and how what came down and a lot dress them right hi Yah,

00:58:07--> 00:58:47

teach them modesty, teach them some parts are private. Tell them very clearly in different conversations that there are no secrets from you know, mommy and daddy from whatever you call yourselves. You know, I'm your book. There's no secrets from us. Anybody who comes to you, anybody who comes to you and says, Don't tell mommy, don't tell daddy that just tell them that no, you have to come to us always come to us. Also, dear parents, generally speaking, generally speaking, a young child cannot invent lies about this topic cannot a four year old. I mean, I'm not going to say impossible. But come on, who are you going to believe somebody that you know, an elder that's going

00:58:47--> 00:59:20

to deny or a four or five year old child that's saying things that are just not and you can tell the nature of the child child by nature, you know, when a child feels uncomfortable around an adult, Allah has created a such with such purity, that children know something is wrong children know, and then you should be able to sense that something is wrong when this adult you know, and again, you know, don't read in too much when it's not there. But don't be naive. And this is the problem that I'm not, don't be suspicious of everybody, but don't be trusting of everybody either. Right? be somewhere in the in the in the middle here, be wise, set your rules. And I'll be very honest, your

00:59:20--> 00:59:58

dear, you know, parents, I mean, let me speak to as a parent to a parent, I mean, because of who I am, and because of all the horror stories that have come my way since since beginning my preaching and teaching, I have been ultra strict with my own children. My boys are older so that their time has gone by girls are still you know, in the younger stage and I have a very hard and fast rule that we never allowed them to stay over the night at anybody else's house, you know, unless it was one gender like to have female cousins and only the females there let my girls go there otherwise, no, that's just and again, this is my own, not that I have any doubts. But just because you just why why

00:59:58--> 00:59:59

that's my and again, this was

01:00:00--> 01:00:40

Not Islamic advice by the way this is Parent to Parent This is my my own routine I'm not forcing it on you. But for me I would err on the side of caution My point being Do your parents that after all that you have heard of these statistics of the story of the trauma that is caused Subhanallah just don't give this opportunity even even the smallest percentage of a chance of happening just shut it as much as you can take as many reasonable precautions as you can, you know don't and you know it don't allow your children to be alone for extended periods of times with people that you know anybody even whether it's a foreign TEACHER, WHETHER IT'S anybody like have some area of public

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public you know, if a person's coming to teach or something in the living room with the distance between them. And again, I'm not asking you to doubt a whole karate I had a Quran teacher as well as a child at home there was a great man he taught me a Koran and Hamlet I'm a love lesson forgiving forgive him you're not have the de la we won't have foreign teachers you know my children you know so please don't misunderstand me ALLAH forgive if sometimes I'm wording was a little bit harsh or whatnot but will light out of protection. It's out of wanting to err on the side of protection and caution for our children. And then the final point of for those who perpetrate or thinking of

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perpetrating you know such violence, Fear Allah subhana wa Taala and fear the day that that innocent child and soul will be able to speak in front of the throne of Allah and you will have nowhere to hide.

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You will have nowhere to hide on that day. And Allah subhanho wa Taala will call you to task for each and every harm that you have caused. And in that trial, there is no defense because your own skin will testify against you. May Allah subhana wa tada protect all of our children may Allah subhana wa tada grant all of the safety and security May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless all of us to that which he loves and inshallah until next time, said I'm willing to lie on the couch