Channel: Yasir Qadhi
Series: Yasir Qadhi - Ask Shaykh YQ
How To Deal With Abusive Parents
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The second question today is a very difficult one.
Sister says do not mention my name. So she is sister anonymous. She emails a long email, she says, We always hear about the rights of the parents over and over and over again. How about the rights of the children?
And how about the rights of those children who have been abused by the parents, then she goes into a lot of detail that I will not go into. She basically says that I'll skim over it that you know that her father was abusive to the point that when she's around him, she gets anxiety attacks, she gets a flashback she cannot breathe properly. Now she has moved on, she's living separate. And she is saying that
is it? Was it for me to visit to be a dutiful daughter? Or can I just make dua and let it be? What is my obligation to have to serve him given that we have this past and she has some details of the abuse? So this is the question.
It is obvious that
the sister has had a very traumatic childhood. And my question and my answer to it is not therapy or counseling, it is not addressing the psychological issue, it is addressing the issue, I advise this sister and anybody in that situation, that along with asking a chef and an Islamic person, also consult with a therapist and a counselor, clearly reading her email, she has a lot of trauma, it's called and she doesn't know how to unpack it. And chefs are not therapists, chefs are not counselors, we can give you the we cannot give you therapy. And it is a mistake to come to any one of us who has Islamic knowledge with issues that require therapy, unless the person has trained in
therapy, and I have not trained to be a counselor. And we need to realize that
abuse comes in many forms. In this particular case, it was physical and emotional. Physical abuse is of course, hitting in a way that is obviously you know, beyond what is normal, not what is normal varies from time to place to culture. When I grew up, it was much more common to hit. Before us it was even more common to hit you know, and these days, you can go to jail for doing the same thing that we would have happened maybe in the 80s. But it is something that is cultural, that how much is abuse and how much discipline is something and our times people are shying away from any type of I'm hitting, that's physical abuse means you do something that is traumatic physically, there is
emotional abuse. By the way, these are five types of abuse, you should know them, there is emotional abuse, what is emotional abuse, emotional abuse is you undermined the individual sense of esteem, the individual's humanity, constantly criticizing diminishing name calling, why were you born, you're a nuisance to me. Imagine if a parent says this, in this particular case, the sister mentions her father would always say I wish you had never been born with Ebola with Ebola. This is like you haven't killed the daughter physically, you're killing her emotionally, what type of father would say this? What type of person would say this to a biological child of theirs that you wish you had
known? I would have allowed with it. But just imagine that level right? constantly, any criticism comes out. I wanted to avoid this and that whatever it is that is being said, this is emotional abuse, where you're constantly diminishing, what's going to happen to a child being raised in that type of environment, how will they feel. The third type of abuse is, of course, one of the worst types that sexual abuse and we all know what that is. And the fourth type of abuse is economic abuse, economic abuse is that a person of means and wealth does not spend of that means and wealth on the family. When the family is not living a comfortable life. Even though the birth breadwinner
has enough to know obviously, if he doesn't, then they're all suffering together. We're talking about a stingy person, and this is Luna. All of these are five types of bodom. This is economic abuse. And then the fifth is psychological abuse and psychological abuse is similar to emotional except that over here, psychological abuse is fear of intimidation, it is a threatening, that doesn't actually result in an actual physical, but a threat. If you do this, I'm going to burn you if you do this. This is like psychological torture that is done to a person. So these are five common types of abuse. And it must be said here, parents adults, learn to recognize these types of
abuse and monitor in your immediate families. If somebody is abusing a child, within your own family, who is going to protect that child other than the
extended family Think about this. If you have somebody who is doing one of these types of abuse to a young person, it is our job collectively to come in How else will this child be protected if it is being abused in its own house, and it is your cousin, your brother, you're in law, whatever, it's must be our job to monitor collectively, and then take the necessary steps, then perhaps we might have an entire conference about this issue, because we need to teach the community how to recognize abuse, what to do in the case of abuse, and in fact, some abuse according to the law, if you are quiet, you will be prosecuted, according to the law of this country. And honestly, it's a good law,
you cannot ignore some types of abuse and you see it in front of you, and you don't do anything about it. We need to teach our community. So we need to be careful about recognizing these types of abuse and parents, the sisters email, it really shattered my heart It really was traumatic to reach you went into detail. You already heard some I'm not going to mention all of it, even though she said you can mention the detail. But I'd rather not going to the point is that parents, we need to be cognizant that our children also have hacked over us. They have a hell over us. And if we overstep that, if we cross the line, they can complain to a law on Judgement Day that my parents did
boom. To me, being a parent doesn't mean you get away with anything. Being a parent means it comes with responsibility. And we see now in the case of this daughter, that she is now an adult she's left the household she is saying visiting my father makes me palpitate breathing hearted I'm an attack What do you call the panic attack? visiting brings back all of that, I cannot even see him because she obviously has the detail what is going on? And what is to be said in this case, what is the ruling over here, this young lady has now grown up and her sense of self worth she has and hamdulillah she's overcome to the point of of starting a life but now when she goes back she feels
diminished. She feels deja vu all the way back. So response to her.
Firstly, dear sister, before you get to the film, please go see a therapist and counselor and unpack all of this trauma that you have I cannot help you there you need to go to an expert in this regard. Secondly, when it comes from a fifth pay perspective, Allah subhana wa tada mentions in the Oregon law you can live long enough San Illa was Haha, no soul is burdened with more than what it can bear. And if there are circumstances where you start suffering, panic attacks or hyperventilating or palpitating. Allah is not calling you to do something that is unreasonable and beyond your your bearing capability. And our Prophet sallallahu Sallam said, law law while there are this is a
principle of fick, there shall be no harm inflicted, nor shall be any harm given. This is a general principle, no harming anybody. So if she is being harmed, psychologically, emotionally, and in this case, her father was physically and emotionally abusive, physically, he would discipline to harsh and emotionally she has these phrases in her mind ringing all the time, this is abuse. And in this case, if she cannot overcome it, then she is only obliged to do a literal validate what she is capable of doing. So if she is financially stable, and they need some money, she can send an amount, indirectly, she doesn't have to go and hand it herself. pointers, there are still some duties, and
the duties are diminished, in light of the boom that has happened to her. To the extent that if it is such a harsh storm, that she is frightened for her life, there are no duties upon her. There are parents that physically harm their children Subhanallah every once in a while we hear of a bizarre case where a parent with a bit like kills their child, this happens, it's human nature and society, it happens it's against the law, but we find this are you going to tell the child in this society or sorry, in that circumstance, no, you still have to go? No. So listen to this rule. The more the volume increases, the less the OIC are there, simple as that. The more volume has been done to you,
the less it is diminished that you have to give back and you have to make a judgment call in your own conscience in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And
the Sharia does not burden you with more than what you can bear and that's why as we know in the Quran, what he then molded to suit the the men patella, even that baby girl that is killed, the father does not have the right to just kill this is and allow will call the parents to task for them done to the children. So this is something both parties need to be aware of. As for the sister we say to her that Allah has tested you to raise your ranks Be patient and also also
please reach out
to other family members, and try to get some type of intervention and reconciliation, have somebody approach the father or whoever is the perpetrator, that is from the family, because you never know, maybe he might be repentant now, and turn over a new leaf and ask for forgiveness, which is the ideal situation, in which case, forgive for the sake of a law and you will be forgiven. Or maybe, maybe he doesn't realize the severity of what he's done. And he's in his own clueless world. And he doesn't understand why the doctor is treating so harshly. And he needs to be told No, you did these mistakes or whatnot. Or maybe there is a perception issue, where she might have perceived something
more than it was all of these are possibilities. She shouldn't just let it be, she should not be satisfied with status quo. Don't just give up, go through cousins, uncles, aunts, the mother, if she's still, you know, on the same side, or whatever, but try your best to see what can be done. And don't just be satisfied with status quo. If it still doesn't work, and there is adamant or arrogance or whatnot, lie You can leave alone, Epson Illa was Aha, and you are not obliged to do more than what is necessary. And the same goes for parents that have been missing. I've had a number of cases that come to me. And they say, for example, my father completely abandoned us when I was born. And
he completely walked out of our lives. Now when I'm 3035 years old, he has rediscovered us, and now he wants my money and whatnot, you know, and the brothers like, why should I? after he's done to my mother, and it's obvious, there's a lot of anger over there. And the response is the same. As much as lumas was done to you have the right to diminish, but there's always somehow always somehow, because at the end of the day, it is your father or your mother. So you have to do what you can that is reasonable to do. But there is no question that somebody who has done volume does not have the same coke. As somebody who has been generous and kind. There's no question about this, blah, blah,
well, other than the final thing that needs to be said in all of these scenarios is that
make dua to Allah subhana wa Tada. Make Torah don't just let it go. Do our souls everything. Our shediac teaches us that Allah is the one who brings hearts together. Allah is the one whom Allah beaucoup. Allah is the one low on factor marfil are the Jimmy and ma left the bane of Palooza him Allah, Allah, Allah beno. If you tried every way to bring reconciliation, you couldn't have done it. If you spent the whole world's money you couldn't have brought them together, Allah azza wa jal brought them together, you do not know what will happen. So don't be satisfied with status quo. being satisfied with the status quo is not good. It might even be a sin. Try through your ASVAB and
then through Allah xojo. Make dua to Allah to soften his heart Your heart tried to mend ways in this dunya before the Acura and May Allah make it easy final point for all of us here, parents and children.
We both have an obligation to each other in this regard. And on Judgement Day, Allah tells us that parents and children will run away from each other in the Quran. Literally, why will they run away from each other? Why will they run away because of these
on the Day of Judgment, the Father, the mother that has done volume to their own son or daughter, when they see their son or daughter, they will run away because they will know today is the day that will be responded to so any parent who is mistreating abusing or with a biller with a bill or a child or the biller. Remember, that's what the Day of Judgment is for. And you and that child will be in front of the court of a loss of a job and everything will be playing. You don't want that day Do not Do not Do volume to people who cannot defend themselves. The Profit System warned us the greatest boom is against the alpha. The people that cannot defend them the greatest boom that you
can do is against those who cannot defend a child mistreating a child or vulnerable or physically abusing sexually Oh the below to be law and be monitoring this this is one of those taboo topics we don't like to talk about. But it is a cancer in all of our societies, not just ours is every we know what happened in another faith tradition. When I tried to hide what happened we cannot do this. We have to address this head on and that is why maybe inshallah soon maybe before after Ramadan, we're going to have an entire seminar about abuse and recognizing abuse, understanding what constitutes abuse, learning what are techniques we can deal with because we don't want this in our community or
in any community want to be communities of compassion and love. May Allah subhanho wa Taala make all of our families families of love and compassion and protect all of our children.
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