A Muslimah Marrying A Non-Muslim
Yasir Qadhi – Ask Shaykh YQ – Episode 45
AI: Summary ©
The speakers discuss the issue of couples not being married and the need for acceptance of relationships. They emphasize the importance of balancing emotions and finding one's own "immediate family." They also touch on the crisis of sprouting acceptance of relationships and the need for parents to be realistic in their beliefs.
AI: Summary ©
Brother Hudson from New York and also, Sister, I think manners from California, I've got actually four emails in the last weeks about the same issue. I'm going to summarize it. And it's a very sensitive topic. The emails all say the same scenario of female relative
has decided to marry a person of another faith. And now the question arises, what is to be done? She's an adult, she's free to do whatever she wants, you know, politically and technically. And one in one case, the uncle in the other case, a cousin, and the other case, that family friend is asking, should we attend the ceremony? And what do we do afterwards? And what is the verdict on a Muslim, a Muslim, having Anika with a kitabi, or even a non kitabi? Even somebody who is agnostic or atheist? So this is the question, is the wedding permissible? Should we attend the wedding? What is to be done afterwards?
On
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before I jump into the answer to this question, I do need to take a bit of a step back and address a segment of people who find the entire question problematic. And they say, why does it bother you? If somebody has chosen their life partner, they're in love with them, they want to be happy together. Why do you have to interfere and in particular, many people that are living in a liberal paradigm, they find it problematic that we problematize somebody else's marriage, you understand the point here, right? If they're getting married, that's their happiness, let them do it. And we need to be very frank here. The fact of the matter is somebody who finds our problematizing problematic, right,
they're coming from a very different paradigm and I inshallah plan to give lectures about this as well. But their paradigm is essentially a modern version of liberalism, which is extremely dismissive of religious values of religious conservatism. And in our times, the way that modern values have progressed, it is self evident, once upon a time, 100 years ago, even 50 years ago, a person always thought of himself or herself in relationship to one's family, in relationship to one's community, in relationship to one's society. Nowadays, the concern completely is on myself, me, myself and I, what do I want, once upon a time people valued community these days it is the
individual once upon a time people looked at the spiritual and physical well being these days is just what do I desire? What is my Sha, and essentially what we see modern liberalism is as Allah says, In the Quran, afara item and it tada Allahu Hawa, Who Have you not seen the one who has taken his passions as his God?
I have said many times, modern postmodern liberalism is essentially this where my desires become my religion. My Dean,
there tauheed worship is to worship their desires. So then what we'll share could be anyone who comes between them and their desires. And that's why they cannot stand anyone who says, Don't act upon your impulses, just because you feel a shuffler does because you feel a temptation. Why do you have to act upon it? for their paradigm? This is shirak. literally no exaggeration, because they're tauheed is the worship of their desires, right? And that's what we see in our modern culture. Is that what is your identity? How do you feel okay? What are you exploring your own inner whatever they know that they want to do? Essentially, it boils down to what do I want to do? Nobody has the
right to tell me other than that, and
it is difficult for somebody in that paradigm to even begin to understand our paradigm, because our paradigm is that the individual is never an individual. The individual is also a mother or father is also a brother or sister is also a member in a society. The individual Most importantly, is a worshipper of Allah. subhanho wa Taala. So you can't just put aside this individual and ignore community society dounia Ah, you know, you can't do that. And sometimes this works for open minded liberals because liberals sometimes are the most bigoted people, even though they claim to be the most open minded. And this is the irony by the way of liberal values. Technically, technically,
liberalism says tolerate all opinions, okay? But the fact of the matter is that as long as nobody is forced
or physically harmed? Yet this modern version of liberalism is militantly fundamentalist. It doesn't even allow you in your personal life, to hold an opinion that goes against their values. Even if you don't like you're not forcing anybody to have an opinion about marriage about sexuality, it's my opinion, why can't I have it? But for me to merely have it, it is as if I have committed chittick in their eyes, because it is their shoot, right? Because my values right impede with their values. And so the irony is that the system that claims to respect all views ends up being extremely disrespectful to any view that is not within its spectrum. So we have to begin by pointing that out
the bottom line, as I said, US religious folks, we have many factors that we look at, and not just the person's desires. It's not just about what do I want? It's about what and if you want to explain to somebody from a liberal paradigm, you can say, What would you do if your best friend if your cousin if your sister or brother became a drug addict? What would you do? I'm not comparing a person's love with addiction. I'm comparing the concept. Why would you intervene and say, Oh, I do mind that he wants to have cocaine. his desires are harmful to him, the liberal would say, we say, and we believe certain desires are also harmful. You might not believe them, but understand where
we're coming from. Not every desire is useful. Not every desire is healthy. Not every love is necessary. Good for you. That's what we believe, who tells us what is right and wrong.
Allah subhanho wa Taala, who tells you what is right and wrong, majority opinion changes. Every few years, there's something New Democracy is when the natural logical conclusion is that even ethical values become up to the majority would I have to give this long disclaimer? Because I have to be brutally honest. You're, you know, these videos, they go online, and people cut snippets and paste and like, Oh, look at this fundamentalist preacher. He's telling people they shouldn't marry whom they love. And I say, look, we have the right to preach whatever we want. Even as we understand the freedom of this country, we cannot force anybody. And that's why it's problematic. We are finding
many women of our faith decide to marry people outside the faith, we have to be very frank here, we cannot force What can we do? We can speak. We can have feelings, just like she has feelings, why can we also not? And we can try to argue and negotiate. But in the end of the day, if she insists, and she is an adult, what are you going to do? In terms of technical? I'm not talking about Islamic law, what are you going to do? So we have to be very clear about this issue, that long introduction. Let us now answer the question, do we believe it is allowed to marry a person outside of our faith tradition? We know that the Quran explicitly forbids a Muslim man or a Muslim woman from marrying
emotionally, what I think are emotionally kina. And what are too much Riccati it is explicit in the Quran, men and women cannot marry machinic. And the term should applies to anyone who worships other than Allah subhanahu wa Tada. Even somebody who rejects a lot is committing a type of shit, because they have taken themselves and their egos as objects of worship besides Allah. So from a technical perspective, even those who believe that God has a son, that is a type of ship as well. So all of this is included in shidduch because they are worshipping and believing in a god other than Allah subhanho wa Taala. So there is a general rule. Muslim man and woman cannot marry mushrik. Now, one
exception comes that's the sort of Baccarat one exception comes in sudo telma ada, Allah says to telma ada, one of the last revolutions that was revealed that it is allowed for you men to marry a kitabi lady if they are chaste, meaning if they are not acting in a lewd and vicious manner, they are living a dignified life, a Muslim man may marry a kitabi lady, this is a gender specific exception. A man may marry a lady that is a kitabi because it is so explicitly gendered in the Quran. The opposite a Muslim lady marrying a guitar The man is forbidden from the generalities of the previous verse. And it is because of this that there is unanimous consensus that a lady of a
Muslim background is not allowed to marry anybody outside of Islam, whether that person is kitabi, or that person is other than a kitabi. And I say Iijima here and I kind of go over the Koran in this regard because in Islamic law, believe it or not, I know
It sounds strange for the person who hasn't said to sudo. But the number one source that is the strongest source of Islamic law is actually Jamal in terms of the strongest it is. Why? Because a verse of the Quran is open to interpretation. The Hanafi is might say this, the shell phrase might say that when you have Iijima, what you are saying is that there is there has never been any controversy in this regard. And this is one of those few issues in our religion, where there is unanimous consensus of all the scholars of Islam that a Muslim lady cannot marry outside of the faith. In my medic mentions in his model, one of his students student wrote this that, don't you see
that it is not allowed for a Muslim to marry an Asana or yahudi in any circumstance. Imam Shafi mentions in his comment on that it is how long for a Muslim to marry a mushrik whether they are from idolaters or whether they are from the Nikita Eman will currently be mentioned in Israel Jamia that it is never allowed for a Muslim to marry a non Muslim and there is a drama of the Ummah on this point. Remember, Rosie says the same thing. Even kudamon is more than he says. It is never in any circumstance allowed for a cafard to marry a Muslim man. There is never allowed and in fact, there is a huge amount on this point in Medina says this. In a movie who wrote one of the earliest books
of the Jamaat even amended is a scholar of the fourth century or fifth century, early fifth century, who wrote one of the first books on each Ma and he lists in that little treaties, what has the agreed upon one of the points, a jamaa coolamon
in all of the people I have ever met, and he was one of the scholars who traveled far and wide. They have a Gemma that it is not allowed for a Muslim to marry a kitabi or a mushrik. So it is something that is explicitly clear, even at the time of the Prophet sallallahu. I do send them after the Treaty of where they be. When Muslims ladies converted and they came to Medina, the Sahaba were wondering should we return them back to Makkah, and the Prophet system? asked a lot of lies which he revealed in the Quran, do not return Muslim or ladies to their husbands lahainaluna what a home Hello Hello. Neither are they allowed for them, nor are they allowed for the mini neither are their
ex wives allowed for the ex husbands nor are the ex husbands allowed for their ex wives. This is a well known incident the Quran was revealed because of now before I move on to quick points.
This might shock some of you but it is my humble opinion based on the photos, even Ibis and many scholars that the opposite is also not allowed. In cases of living in non Muslim lands, meaning in my humble opinion, I do not consider it permissible for a Muslim man to marry a kitabi lady, except in the lands of Islam. This is my opinion, it is the opinion of many people before me and many people in our times when Allah allowed a Muslim man to marry a kitabi lady in a bar said this is for the lands of Islam, not allowed when the court systems are not following the laws of Islam, because when a Muslim man marries a kitabi, lady in the lands of Islam, and a divorce happens, the Sherry I
will judge that the children be raised as Muslims. That is not the case in lands outside of Islam. Also, I bring the court of urban hot top when he forbade the Muslims who settled in Iraq to marry the kitabi. Ladies, they wrote back and they said, Yeah, I mean on what meaning it's allowed. And in his case, he said, I'm not saying is how long he said that. But if every man amongst you marry the kitabi lady who would marry our women. So he forbade it as a matter of CSR of political jurisdiction, not as a matter of fact, even Abbas said, from a technical perspective, even affiliate perspective, a Muslim man cannot marry a kitabi lady when the laws of the land are not going to be
supporting the children's Islam. And this is something that I personally follow. But I know there's a trade off. So if somebody has another position, that is fine. So in my humble opinion, neither a man nor a woman can marry outside the faith in the country represented. It is only allowed to marry within the faith. This is my opinion. That's why I have never in my life performed any gap between a Muslim man and tabulated In my opinion, as I said, I'm not putting in binding on anybody else. I'm just giving you my position. Another exception that the European Council has given a fatwa on and I agree with this as well, is that this verdict of a kitabi applies only when the marriage is
beginning. A Muslim wants to marry a kitabi. We say not allowed. However, if a couple is Christian or Jewish, and the lady converts to Islam,
So the marriage took place, and they're both good hobbies, then the one partner converts if the husband converts, no problem because the majority say that the Muslim man is allowed to America tabulated correct. And even in this case, I say no problem. I mean, this is different thing. You understand. But what if it's the opposite? What if the lady converts, and the husband does not convert?
The European fifth Council has released a fatwa. And one of my mentors and somebody I consider a teacher should have the luxury there has written a book on this. Islam, what had his origin it's a very good book. And this was the federal government mahatama iliamna be positive in their philosophy in their, in their philosophy. It happened to both of their philosophers that a lady converted and her husband did not they had a family, and she said, I don't want to leave. I'm happy here. He's allowed me to be Muslim. So they wrote to Medina, this in these incidents took place far away, they wrote to Medina, and in both cases in the la fecha. And in the last photo, he said, okay, in that
case, let them remain. So an exception was made for somebody who converts as long as she can practice her faith. Is it healthy? No, but is the marriage Barton as long as you can practice Islam, my position is the fifth counselors also said this European Council, the American fifth council hasn't said anything, but I know internally we follow this position as well it is permissible for the marriage to report to for the marriage to not resume to be maintained. You are not allowed to initiate a marriage, but to maintain in Arabic is called is this habit also you you presume the continuity the continuity is or the continuity of the marriage is permissible, but not the
initiation of a marriage? Is that clear? Okay, with this filthy background, let us now conclude with the big question. What is to be done? She's decided we say it's not allowed. We say there is no * we say this * has Bartel you can have a civil marriage, you can make the registration the government considers it a valid ceremony and a valid marriage. We understand that from our perspective than a guy is bolted it doesn't exist. What is to be done now?
This is the whole issue.
There is no religious fatwah that can be given. This is now a matter of psychology, not legality. What is to be done? If somebody whom you love insists on disobeying Allah and His messenger?
The problem comes here.
What is our ultimate goal? Is it for us to punish them? Or is it for us to guide them? I'm asking you
to guide them. Okay. So the goal here, if they've declared, we want to do something, how long? The goal here is to guide them? How you guide somebody how you influence somebody is not? It is psychology.
So one of the most common genre of questions us people get asked the shoe on their own and whatnot. One of the most common genre share, I have a friend who does X, Y and Z. What should I zoo? I do. Chef, I have a relative who does this? What is the best way to give Dawa to them? And my response is always the same. You know best? You're asking a psychology question, not a legal question. What is the best way to give Dawa is not fit? That is human psychology? And who knows your friend? You are me? Who knows your cousin? You are me? Who knows your brother or sister? You are me? You do? So what is the next step? You and your family needs to come together and have a frank discussion? What do we
need to do to try our best to influence this person in the short or in the long term? And that question, nobody on a podium on a pulpit from a chef's paradigm can answer as well as you can. We can give you generic guidelines. So when this is going to happen, you've tried to discuss she is adamant she is going to go forth with it. What can you do? You have to come together as a family. And without this individual even with the individual as well and discuss what are the next steps we should take? And generically speaking, generically speaking, I mean, because because there's always exceptions. Sometimes a person might be best that you withdraw from them emotionally cut off and
they're gonna feel a sense of we need to change for the better that will influence them. Sometimes being angry and rebuking will work but generally speaking, a little bit of compassion works more than a little bit of harshness, this is the general rule. A little bit of kindness, hurt to love will work better
Then anger and spouting and whatnot. So, and that's because people go through phases right now. She's passionately in love with her colleague or co worker right now she's not thinking straight, as all of us who are the about the age of 3040. You know, I mean, Love is Something, Michelle, it's nice when you're a teenager, but, you know, life goes on. I mean, you know, this lady, that teenage love that happens, or the first love when she's getting married, she's not going to feel the same way in 510 years, everybody knows this. Okay. So what do you want to do you want to burn all bridges, so that five years down the line when she softens up when she feels an emptiness? When she
realizes I don't have a connection with my Creator? And then she also realized that I don't have a family? What's going to happen? She's going to dig herself in deeper, she's going to find other ties. I've even heard of very rarely where she converts to Christianity, not because she necessarily believes but she needs a faith based community and our whole must you that family have completely boycotted, what do you think is going to happen psychologically? So my general rule, but again, there are always exceptions is there should be what I call hurt, love.
Hurt love, there can never be ignoring what she has done. Now, I have to be clear here, you cannot just go back to status quo. You cannot just say, okay, fine, she's decided, tough luck. Life goes on. Why would you do that? If she was a drug addict? If he was a drug addict? Would you do that? If they are selling drugs know, you're always going to show I'm not happy with this lifestyle. I don't like what you're doing. But there's still your biological daughter, cousin niece, that you that's never going to change. So you have to balance between that ties of kinship, and between showing that you're just not happy. And again, there's no 50 ruling here. But I would speak generically,
generically. And again, you you judge best, I would say the following my humble opinion, the generic rule.
The immediate family, of course, friends doesn't even come in, because why would you? You're not as a friend, it's easier to step back. But a generic, I mean, family, immediate family, in my humble opinion, going to the marriage is a bit too much. Because you are explicitly endorsing something that is a blatant rejection of a lush idea. my humble opinion, I don't see a justification of you just because when you go what you're going to be scouting all the time looking angry. I mean, be be realistic here. Okay. What would be the purpose of you going? In this case, your presence is tacit approval. Generally speaking, this is what I would say. However, you can't just cut off ties of
kinship, can you? I mean, she's your daughter, or your niece or your cousin, what are you going to do? Once kids come? What are you going to do, then? I mean, definitely, I hope nobody will take their anger out on the kids, the kids have not done anything wrong, that they deserve to have anything from you different. They are your biological Muharram. Even if the marriage is bottled, by the way, right? If you're the father, or the nephew, and the uncle, those are your biological moms, you cannot marry them. Even if the marriage is bothered, you get the point to there is a something kinship that you have. And also it's not the fault of the kids. And also, shouldn't you even more
now be a positive Islamic role model in the lives of these innocent children when they don't have one otherwise, right? So again, we have to bring up a psychological issue that perhaps perhaps some scholars are not understanding when they get very explicit fatwas, I've heard that myself cut off all contact and don't associate it. I mean, I'm sorry, but that's a human element that you're not taking into account. How can you cut off all contact with your own son or daughter, if they're committing a sin? Even if
they have left Islam? In the end of the day, they're still your son and daughter, aren't they? There has to be some relationship, even as you demonstrate what I call What did I call it? What was the term? Hurt, love, okay. And that hurt, love shows to reinforce like, son, daughter, look, you're still my son, my daughter, I still have those feelings for you. But I'm very hurt at what you've done. In my humble opinion. This is the best mechanism of Dawa as well, what else can be done? When she insists and the marriage takes place? What else can be done? Are you going to never meet the person that she has married on paper? Tell me.
What is another goal you should have?
dow to this person? How are you going to give dow if you're going to spit in his face? I mean, again, there's a human component that we have to be realistic with.
May Allah protect us? Well, I I say this and I am terrified. May Allah protect us from ever having to face something like this? We don't want it. But what are you going to do if it does happen? There's a human element that I have to be honest about. Are you not going to invite the person over to your house after work?
require to win even they know you're angry. Okay. And by the way, before it happens, you should definitely be frank. Definitely. I mean, at the end of the day is also not his fault. He's living in a society that allows this. And in his case, it's a typical drama that his whole circle of friends will sympathize with him for his whole family will support him, he's gonna, you know, he is gonna be might even become an hbo movie or something, and they're going to make out of it, you know, it is a standard scenario that they're going to love to do. You become the typical bad guy, stereotypical bad guy. So don't be in that box, understand what's going on here. From his paradigm, you have no
right to stop your daughter, that's the world he's been raised in, right? From our paradigm. our daughters, our daughter, she's always going to be our daughter doesn't matter, you know. So the point is that you need to be a little bit more wiser in this regard. Of course, you will invite him over even before explain to him why you cannot to prove this religiously. Speak to him, frankly, and say, What do you want me to do? It's against my faith tradition. And I do not believe this is valid in the eyes of my Creator. And then right then and there, say, but I asked you to please think about my faith. I asked you, this is what I believe. Give him the Koran. And then when they're gone, go to
your room fall down in such the and cry to Allah subhana wa tada to guide that person to his time, what else are you going to do? Make do us sincerely, and then show that person the best of Islam, outside of the marriage ceremony, show them what it means to be a Muslim? Because if he does convert, even after a year or two, what can you do nikka court ceremony right then in there. Hamdulillah, right, you see the point here. So the goal is that we need to be a little bit realistic, given the circumstances, we're in these simplistic fatawa of boycott and cut off and it doesn't work, there's a human component that has to also be taken into account. And so the bottom
line and with this inshallah tada conclude,
we are very well aware that this is a crisis taking place across this country. For those of you that are not aware, I'm sorry, to burst your bubble again, for me, you're going to hear blunt truths. This is becoming more and more common, dare I say, I cannot imagine anyone that has extended family, except that this has happened in your own family and my own family. And yes, my own family is the reality that every single one of us it is the reality of the world that we live in marrying outside the faith, what is going to happen when this land is less than 1% Muslim. And, you know, this is one of the the risks that come with living in this land, whether it's a Muslim man marrying outside,
which I don't believe is allowed as well, or a Muslim lady marrying outside, which is becoming more and more common. And by the way, when it comes to a Muslim man, honestly, we can be more stricter, in some ways, because there's so many of our sisters on married, when it comes to a Muslim lady, even though it is held on frankly, my heart emotionally kind of understands, because I know of cases in my extended acquaintances where the lady was trying, trying, trying, and nobody within the community proposed and she kept on saying that man married a cousin overseas that man married a kitabi that married married, Hispanic convert that married this is not who is going to marry me. I
literally we literally have had sisters come to our lectures and crying and saying, What can I do? I tried, tried tried to shoot I remained my whole life without having a child. May Allah forgive me, I'm going to do what somebody told me this May Allah forgive me, what does want me to do? And I say you shouldn't do it. But again, it's her choice, right? And I'm not by the way, please don't read in and take this higher, under, don't take this five second clip, and then go online. Because like, I have to always deal with this issue. But my point is that I'm not justifying. I'm contextualizing this is a problem. And Dear brothers that are unmarried, please fear Allah subhanho wa Taala. and
marry from our own communities and sisters. Don't leave and abandon them, even if a position allows you to marry kitabi. as Tom said, if all of our men marry the kitabi ladies who will marry our women. And also, by the way, as well, the issue of nothing wrong with this, but going overseas and coming back. Again, this is I understand this is happening, but at the same time, we are having a crisis of spinsterhood across North America, across North America, this is a major problem. And it's not as if our ratios are different, no 5050. But two things, number one, marrying outside the faith. And number two, which is *, and I understand going back and then coming in, which is
understandable. I'm not saying that's wrong, but again, think about marrying from within and within the communities. The bottom line, I don't recommend, and I can't generally see a justification for attending the ceremony, because the ceremony is the pinnacle of the whole the whole contract. And you being there is a clear endorsement of button. And that is where the tough love comes in. You actually tell them
I really love you, I wish the best for you. And because I wish the best for you, I can't just sit there and watch and smile as you undertake this life journey as much as I would like to, unless you convert to Islam, put some soft pressure on him some soft pressure is Helen. Okay, think about the draw, of course we want her to convert from the heart obviously, but some soft pressure is good here. But then afterwards if the marriage persists, in my humble opinion, there has to be a emotional compromise where it's never status quo, you can never just go back to normal every once in a while. No matter how awkward it is, no matter how irritated she gets every once in a while, the
discussion has to come up. Because otherwise you're just
silent in the face of Moncure how often the language leave it to you and your psychology and your conscious in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala but you cannot remain neutral and then for the person involved the other you know the technical husband or whatnot that our soft our what not do our to Allah subhanho wa Taala then once kids come even more so that in the life of the kids, you show what is Islam, you help them pray with you, you know, make them understand Islam and then lots of what else can we do? And at the end we ask Allah Subhana Allah to either protect all of us and protect our families and our sons and our daughters. We ask Allah xeljanz refuge from seeing from our sons
and daughters that which will break our hearts and and make us sad. We ask Allah azza wa jal to protect our families and make them families of Eman and taqwa We ask Allah subhana wa tada timok or sons and daughters of those who love the Koran and who love the Prophet system will make our sons and daughters are those who establish the salah and who paid as a god and who fasts Ramadan. Allah grant our sons and daughters and our unmarried brothers and sisters, righteous spouses from amongst ourselves, Oh Allah, give them spouses that make them the coolness of their eyes in the comfort of their souls and allowed to allow them to come closer to you that mythical humble rahimian, so the
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