Qa Session For Those Who Want To Get Married According To Islam

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Yaser Birjas

Channel: Yaser Birjas

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Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Bismillah Alhamdulillah peace be unto you you are watching the deen show every Wednesday, Midnight's Thursdays 2pm. Here in Chicago on can TV 36. If you don't have an if you're not here with us in Chicago, people from all around the globe are tuning into the D show.com. We're trying to here we're trying humbly to help you understand the most misunderstood way of life, yet the fastest growing way of life in the world today, Islam, that way of life that was brought by all the messengers of God.

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They all call people to the same way to surrender and to submit, not to the Sun to the moon, not to Jesus, not to Muhammad, but the one who Jesus Muhammad and all the messengers of God submitted to the one who created the sun, the moon, He created man and woman, but he's not a man or woman, the Creator of the heavens and the earth in Arabic, we say Allah. So we're here trying to help you understand his beautiful way of life. And one of the most beautiful things in Islam is finding your soulmate. But there's some things that we need to know about how to get married, how to approach that special someone to certain do's and don'ts. And my next guest, who's coming out Jaso bridges

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shake Elsa majaz is going to help answer some of these questions so you don't want to go nowhere. We'll be right back.

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There's only one

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is His Messenger

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there's only one Jesus was his messenger.

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No, I did that. Maybe Maybe it's just a break the ice. Assalamu aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato. How are you? Good to see you one more time. Good to see you again. Thank you for being with Russia. Thank you very much for having me here. How's everything on the road? You travel a lot nowadays? I do. Actually. I do travel a lot. But things are going very well on our house. Shake volleyball, Sunni yasir. Qadhi? How are they doing? A hamdulillah good to see them often. Alhamdulillah we don't get to see each other often come in and get the handle a lot. Yeah, I really enjoyed working with them. And I enjoy working with you. And I'm glad you can do with us. We have some questions. People

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can go to your own section at the deen show.com. They can read a little bit about you your biography. And some of the work that you're currently involved in. You're an instructor with Al Maghrib. Institute, Is this correct? Yes. And you have a site that helps people you train people and help get them ready for marriage? I practice? Yes. Yeah. So they can find all the information there at the deen show.com. You click on? Yes, images picture there, and everything will come up. Now we were talking about last time, about the proper way to approach that man or woman. Now people can go back and look at that show, we're going to continue on talking about some of these relevant

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questions that people have. So we're going to just get right into some of the questions that I have. Are you ready? All right, let's go for it. Now.

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The next question that we have

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is

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how do you progress getting to know assistant when you're not sure, if you want to propose to her. You want to talk or interact with her to get a sense of who she is, before you make any type of proposal that you might regret?

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Well, the issue of again going to propose and how much you should know about the person and so on. It's very confusing, even in this in and the most, I would say talented community, the most intelligent community. Yeah. Many people that think that you should know everything about the person before you get married. Yeah. What I found, statistically speaking, you know, surveying so many young men and women, on campuses and different communities and so on, is that those who are pursuing to know the person and they try their best in almost everything about them. Yeah, at the end of the road, they become less interested in them,

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the more they know about them, and that's ironic, the more they know about them, the less they become interested in them. Which somehow it seems that that the subject of knowing the person or less for marriage, it's what makes it so beautiful. It's big and mystery, means you like it's a kind of mystery and that's why people sometimes in this culture, they date for months, years and then eventually

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they, they stop everything they break up. And it's basically confusing because for some people, when you you know, simply just tried to think to know that you know, the person before you officially engaged to them, and suddenly right now it's completely the opposite.

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The purpose. So my recommendation suggestion for the person is they need to know enough about the individual that they would like to propose to. Until there is the comfort zone. Yeah, reaching comfort zone means that you feel okay with it. You don't have to know every single them about them before you propose. Yeah, you first know that they're willing to cooperate on certain levels, let's say they, if they are available or not, if they think that they're ready for marriage or not, if they can consider someone like your status, basically, they know that the person who is proposing is from a different person, perspective, background and so on. Once you reach the comfort zone or that

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level, then you go and propose to know right now their intellectuality their level of maturity, how much? What is what are their goals for life and so on, these things will come as you Converse, and you communicate with each other. And the first proposal does not necessarily mean that's going to be accepted or rejected. Yeah. You just simply you go and you talk to them, and you Converse and see explore basically, the mind and the heart of the individual that you propose, the next question that would lead me into would be is it allowed permissible for a man and woman to talk over the internet, meaning chat email, in order to get to know one another better for marriage, if this basically,

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if this is after the initial proposal, means they propose me, the parents, they know, or at least, if they don't have, let's say, someone has does not have a parent being a convert, or maybe someone whose parents might not be of any interest specific into the relationship or marriage and so on, they still need to have some kind of protection, so that they don't get

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carried away with that relationship without proper maybe arrangements for the future, and so on. So my recommendation, I would say, it really depends, depends on the approval of the parents or their gods are the ones who are engaged or involved into that into that proposal. Yeah, if it was before the proposal, I do not recommend that at all. Cuz you're basically going to be consuming your energy with someone over the internet, that you might not even have seen at all, you know, just seeing pictures, maybe they are over the seas, maybe we are just in across the country, and it's really, really consuming when it comes to

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exploiting your emotion and their emotion. For no, maybe, I would say logical reason. Cuz engaging anytime soon might be a kind of a dream. Yeah, nothing of reality. So it's going to be really confusing. So I don't recommend that. So we're going to be communicating online. Chatting is not the best way of doing that, rather, probably have an approval again of the garden that might be over the phone where they can speak, and they can at least hear you know, what's going on. Or if they're going to be exchanging emails, then someone else needs to be CCD to make sure that you know, all the conversation are be taken seriously, you know, for the purpose of that conversation. It's not just a

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matter of, you know, hanging out, and just, you know, feeling the love and sensation and so on. No, it's about someone who's serious about this relationship, who wants to take it to the next level, which is engagement and their marriage. So if I understand this correctly, first is the proposal or the intent to propose saying, Okay, look, we're doing this because I want to get married. So then we go on from there. Absolutely. It's not that like someone who's just going around, checking, you know, all these, let's say, ladies in the community, or a lady, for example, and all the guys in the community and now, we want to explore one at a time, one at a time. Now, you need to have that

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genuine interest. If you know someone, you have seen someone by sight and you just feel comfortable with that, with that individual. That's when you go and you start asking other people like we said in the previous actually program to that you go and you ask you have someone get bring you some more information. And then when you reach your comfort zone, that's when you go and you propose. And if the proposal was initially approved, they start communicating with each other to know more. What do you need to know, you need to know what just basically

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helps you make a decision, knowing everything is almost impossible. As a matter of fact, even if even regardless how much you think you know, the person, even if you are, let's say, practicing dating the conventional dating, yeah, even if you do that for months, and years and so on, eventually, the true image the true color of the individual appears after marriage. Yeah, I mean, we have the perception that you know, you get to know the person before you get married. But statistically speaking, the rate of divorce in America is so high about 60%. Which means one out of six out of 10 marriages end in divorce, and you're talking about culture that promotes dating so

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much, meaning you need to know the person So again, this kind of you know, process does not guarantee happiness in marriage. Even if you love the person that much before does not guarantee happiness after marriage. So marriage has its own rules. And therefore regardless how much you think you prepared for it, you might be surprised and you will also be surprised. You think people are confusing infatuation lust with now love there is absolutely i would say i agree that there is some kind of confusion here many people they just get attracted to the image. Yeah.

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And they have the full right to get attracted the image because we believe that the image is that the eye basically, is the gateway to the heart. Yeah. And beauty is a sign of perfection. So for people, when you see something beautiful, you just say, oh, something perfect, whether it's something you know, sophisticated like technology, or even design wherever you go, you say it's beautiful, even though has nothing to do with beauty. It's just even a piece of metal. But the sophistication of it and the perfection of that design makes it beautiful. So in our perception, beauty is a sign of perfection. So when you see someone that you consider beautiful, or handsome,

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then in your perception, he or she must be perfect. Yeah, regardless, and you start deceiving yourself that you know what, everything's gonna be okay. Because they're beautiful, because they're perfect, they're nice, they're good, and so on. That's infatuation. You're trying to close your eyes, close your ears, from listening, you know, to the, to the reality of life, is marriages is beyond just the sensation of love. And so I know many people grow up. And we all grew up with that at reading fairytales and beauty lovers and so on. Which makes things you know, it just ends always with happily ever after, and so on. I wish that the reality is like a fairy tale. But it's not.

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Yeah. So there's so much needs to be done and its contribution to actual individuals in relationship to make it successful. Next question, here we have is how do you reconcile beauty and Dean?

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Dean translated as the way of life for religion? If he or she's not very good looking? Then you won't want to be with her or him? But if she's not on the dean, yes, same situation. I agree. Actually, the first thing,

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the first thing which comes to beauty, we need to realize that the beauty is a relative issue.

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It's in the eye of the beholder. Yeah.

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The 21st century culture has made many people assume love have a specific standard. So you watch TV, you read magazines, you get you know, to go to the street and so on. People are obsessed, by specific image, they made the standard of beauty. And that standard of beauty is not in reality. Why? Because it just, you know, it's the creation, our minds, the imagination of our you know, our own minds. And it does exist in terms of, you know, the image being available, but it's not for everybody. Yeah, I mean, if everyone is going to wait for that Mr. And Mrs. Perfect to be there. You're gonna be waiting for so long. Yeah. And even if you do that, you have seen so many people,

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what they do, they try, let's say, to start a conversation with someone whom they assume to be handsome, a woman who's beautiful. Then after some time, they get disappointed, even though she's beautiful, even though he's handsome. But unfortunately, in terms of intellectual, they're not mature. And there is a spirituality, they're not showing that kind of dedication, devotion to Allah, subhana wa, tada to the Lord and so on. So they get turned off. So it's no longer just a matter of beauty. Again, Beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Some people they look into the spiritual beauty, which is the deep thing. Yeah. So when people they look into the deep means the practice of

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the deen and religion. For them, it's a sign of devotion, if they can devote themselves to the Creator. They can devote themselves themselves to the creation to their husbands and wives in this case, and even the prophets Allah recommended that to us he said in a jackal mantle Dona Dena hula hula confessor would you? Which means if someone comes to you, someone comes to you with a proposal, and you're satisfied with their Deen and Allah, which means their religion, their faith, the level of worship, and as luck which means mannerism. So two things are, would guarantee a level of I would say happiness and stability in their marriage. But other dynamics, of course, the image would help

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to as well. But here this is not to initiate that. The first thing is the when we say do we mean by that, the practice of their faith? That is that that's an indicator to the sound relationship with the Creator. Then you have a flag, which means mannerism, that's the indicator to their relationship with the creation. So you need to look at two things. How's the relationship with the Lord? And what's the relationship with his creation means the people around him Do they behave well, how people they know what they know about them, is they know they have a good reputation, a good, let's say, character, and so on. So it's a matter of basically, their relationship with the Lord and the

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character with the people. That's what defined to you the basics. Yeah. And then people that have other preferences afterwards, of course, you know, the issue, the level of beauty, the level of intelligence, the level of, let's say, lifestyle, and so on. That is something optional. People, they they adjust their priorities dependent on their own, you know, taste. Next question is, how can one know that the girl will accept the leadership role of the husband, if she is also working and possibly making more money than that's an issue that creates some stress and in relationship? Yeah, I mean,

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in Islam, it's absolutely permissible for women to pursue career and pursue, work and earn money. As long as of course you follow specific guidelines in terms of you know, the type of work she's doing, and you

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where the money is coming from it's permissible source and so on.

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When it comes to a marriage, and men, basically, they look for a woman, and they have different also preferences. Some men, they might be looking for a career woman, because they would like to have a specific life standard. And by themselves, they would not be able to provide for that. So therefore, they need their spouse to help with this. Yeah, some other people know, they want like to have a traditional lifestyle, which means he wants to be the breadwinner. And in this case, he needs his wife to just to take care of the household. And so he would like to provide her with everything he wants to be the man in her life and so on. So therefore, they feel so proud of themselves, achieving

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that for the wives and so on, and so on. They like that as well. Yeah, some women, they do that they don't like that. And some of them I know, actually, as a matter of fact, who are pursuing specific, let's say, education, and degrees and so on. But they're not they're not interested in working with that degree. They're just waiting until someone proposed. Yeah, so it goes both ways. But regardless of the situation, if someone is going to be marrying someone of a different perspective, when it comes to marriage, then they need to have that

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cleared up before they go officially with, with marriage, we need to clear up everything, okay? I would like my wife, for example, to talk or I'd like my wife to stay at home and I will take care of her I would do everything for her Charlotte's widow, she would never

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feel anything is missing in her life and so on. Or maybe the man he would like to his wife to help with that. So it's a matter of, you know, mutual arrangements. And in Islam, there is a room for there is a room for conditional stipulations before marriage. Yeah, what they what they agree on, it will of course have to go through because that's a mutual agreement of mutual consent. But as a recommendation, though, that's not that's something different islamically speaking, we believe in traditional values, it's the man is the one who's providing for the family. And the woman she is basically here, her role is so important, and family, no man would be able to really substitute for

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the for the role of woman and family life. And that's what creates kind of stability in society as well. Yeah. So this is if if now, say the husband, he really wants that these children are raised by their mother, obviously. And it's more important that she's really, because she's an institution of the children. Absolutely. That is it. Something that is encouraged that now she does make sure that her number one priority is making that these children grow up to be

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people who who contribute to society and absolutely, absolutely, unfortunately, many people, they underestimate the value and, and, and I will say the work even of women at home when they take care of the children. I mean, I'm married myself and I have three children. And I know how much women how much you know, my wife, she is basically she, I don't want to say that use the word suffer, but how much you really shouldn't use in order to make sure that everything is being done for the family, for your kids and also for herself. And that doesn't mean that a woman will completely melt her personality, her character into the relationship, she will still have her space, though. Yeah, he

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she has her own space, your own room to breathe, and to do things that she likes to do and so on. As long as it permissible. And you know, islamically That's okay. But absolutely, the best role is to take care of the future duration of this oma and also the future of humanity. And that's not an easy job to do. She shouldn't look down on like someone's looking down at her because it is the society is painted it kind of like, what do you house mom, or this is a big important role. Now, people now they think of this, as you know, you have a second role in society. Yeah. And that's not fair. I believe people, unfortunately, there weren't, you know, beyond, I would say dealing with reality.

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Yeah. And now they're just living their own dreams of doing the personal achievements and goals. And then they fall short on one of these primary roles that you know, a woman can do in life. Yeah, which is taking care of the family and the children and so on.

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That, of course, now, here's the thing that comes over here, okay? Would men ever be appreciative to the wife's, you know, sacrifice and so on, they absolutely needs to be appreciated, as a man should appreciate that his wife is the one who's taking care of things, you know, in the house, and so on. And he should also understand, you know, the agonies and the pains that his wife might go through, you know, there's some, sometimes there is a communication problem here. Yeah. A man cannot sometimes, you know, express himself to his wife properly. And the woman might speak, let's say, in a language that the man might not understand, in terms of her feelings and emotions, so they start

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getting this kind of clash. Yeah, the man he thinks he's being betrayed, you know, by not being appreciated because of the sacrifices of the family. And in return the woman she also feels that the pain that you know what, all what I'm doing, he thinks he's the one who's doing everything. But I'm the one who's doing all these sacrifices, at home, and so on. Both actually are doing, what they're supposed to be doing their own role in life. And the last part that says omnicell Chicago region, women are counterpart for men, which means we complete each other we don't, we should not compete against each other. If we start competing, we both lose. But if we start in understanding that

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My counterpart is on the other side. And therefore it just like becomes like a piece of puzzle. Yeah, put them together becomes perfect. Because if that home is broken, and if the home is not taken care of where these kids have that love and mercy that first is starting with that mother, absolutely. Betsy is taking care of the children into TVs, raising them, and then they're going to be laid out for society, and they're not going to obviously, be a good contribution. Absolutely, you're gonna have some problems. Are we all doing? Or are they having academic problems because of this, unfortunately, and I think the main problem is our perception that, you know, being a mother

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who takes care for children, that is not that valuable is not that a big contribution to the community of society. So women they are, they grew up right now knowing you know, that I need to contribute something different and do something else, and so on. And most women, they really do that with good intentions, that they would like to do something for themselves feel a specific, let's say self worth, into finding a special a special thing that they can do, besides, you know, being just a mother at home and so on. Yeah. And I believe that those who choose to be a stay at home mom, they really they deserve all the praise. Yeah. Because now we're now talking about women who can achieve

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things. Yeah.

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anything besides you know, achieving their most important role, which is taking care of household and the child at home? I feel sad, because there's so many questions and so little time, but we're obviously not going to be able to get to all these questions before we talk about this website that you have about training, and helping people to find that soulmate. Talk to us bring it home for the person that might have just accepted this way of life, Islam. And now they see all these different rules and restrictions. And they're used to doing it their own way, according to their own desires, holding hands with a woman getting How am I How am I supposed to get to know her? How am I supposed

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to, you know, realize if she's the one, I have to give her guardian, I have to do this have to do that seems like a lot of weight now. And how do you bring it home and rationalize this and help them to understand the wisdom behind this for the next, you know, Muslims, those who come to Islam, I know that one of the things that they might face at the beginning is that like a cultural shock? Yeah, I mean, everything for them is probably new. And they everything that they do is probably for the first time. So it's gonna take a while for them. Because before they get adjusted to this kind of thing, specifically when it comes to the interaction between men and women, and both of them when

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they act, they act with full with full, you know, with open heart, and you know, with good faith and so on, it's not that they tend to do something wrong, but just sometimes they don't know if it's right or wrong to do it. There is of course, a level of interaction between men and women in Islam, it doesn't mean that, you know, men and women are completely separate from each other, there is a level of interaction, but it's this interaction is the formal interaction, the informal interaction should be for the family, and should be with the spouses, which means to, you know, just let your guard down a little bit and start acting yourself and so on, that would be between family members.

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But with those who are not related to each other, there will still have to be some level of formality. With respects when a man deal with a woman, he deals with her on an equal mental level. And I would say give her that the respect that she deserves as a lady, and the man the same thing he deserves also that respect, his privacy, his space as well. And the community does not relate to the woman. So we all complete, we don't compete against each other. So if a man is interested, let's say in a woman, and he would like to know how to do it, we should should go to her and say, I would like to get married to you or bend down on his knee. And so asking I propose to this might not work in

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the ideal

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world of Muslim society. So the has to go through some of some of these, I would say trainings. Now this is where you provide, that's what we provide, we also provide that inshallah Tada, we give them techniques, we give them tips on how to do it, how to go about it. And they are also on our blog, which is a blogger, for practice. gmail.com, when they go to the blog, there are a lot of interaction. And there are so many actually, ideas we can bring to the table. Yeah, we always ask for their contribution as well, because they have some concerns, we would like to know how we can help them. So if they can provide us with that kind of help, we also provide the best training that

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they want inshallah that will help them. So this should you can say, can you add to this? What I'm saying is that this is for the protection of Society for the Protection of the man and woman. I mean, because we see what happens when your desires run wild, most men are interested in one thing, and they can get led away by you know, the smooth talkers and in the man whose agenda is one thing so if you do it the way the creator wants you to do it is for your own protection. That's so you don't end up having a legitimate children diseases and all these other things that come while you do it your own way. That's the importance of marriage. Yeah, we believe that marriage marriage

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institution is a sacred relationship. Yeah, it was mentioned before as being so sacred. Yeah. So if it was sacred, I mean, no one has the right you know, to to mess up with it. It has specific guidelines and rules. They're not rigid rules. Yeah, but there are guidelines that can help you even ensure a better

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relationship for yourself. Yeah for me so what protects both actually men and women? The misperception is that it's only protects men is really wrong. Yeah, this is more human protective. It's more protective to women than it is for men yeah and men they also have their share you know of responsibility as much as they require that they're required to receive the rights in the relationship so when we look at it from from from all sides, we will see that it's really a perfect system. Yeah, it's really a perfect system that people would definitely appreciate if they know the truth about the concept of marriage in Islam. So tell us where they can go to get this training and

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where they can go to hopefully God Willing find their soulmate I hope so. And I wish you the best inshallah Tata become can visit us at our website, practice gmail.com and go to our blog as well which is what used to be the marriage revolution.com and is now also integrate into the same website. So if they come and visit and they see for themselves inshallah Allah they can judge we would like also to see the contribution on the blog, the most important thing right now to go start explore it before you make a decision on join a practice or not, go to the blog, interact with other singles in sha Allah tala and see how people they see things differently men and women how they see

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the subject of marriage differently. It's amazing, that will definitely will just open your mind to the idea that you definitely are going to need that kind of training inshallah. Dad, shake. Thank you very much for being with us again by the diesel vehicle. Thank you. And thank you for tuning in to another episode of the deen show. I hope you got to benefit. And it's very important. It's very important that we understand that this life is short, paradise, seeing the face of our Lord, the one who created us, this is what we all should be striving for. And having your soulmate next to you makes things a lot easier. So we need to get on the ball and find that right person. The shake had

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given us a website that we can visit where you can get that proper training, because this is one of the biggest challenges facing us today is finding that special someone so you trained to get better at basketball, you get training to get better at your profession. Why not get some training on how to be the best spouse? So please visit that website and visit us here at the deen show calm every week for a new show. Until next time, Assalamu alaikum peace be unto you. The DVDs for Dawa as Allah has said in the Quran in surah Now 16 125 will do Elizabeth Rebecca bill Hekmati invite all to the way of your Lord with wisdom beautiful preaching and reason with them in ways that are best and this

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is a great opportunity for you to take up the obligation take up the call as Allah has told you to do and share this beautiful message with the world Islam submission to the One God see what everyone's talking about. You find one contradiction it can be from God.

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But the rational idea the rational explanation is you do your best to give up worshiping God is why I will never give up spreading hope that you take the necessary steps you don't know if you're gonna live till tomorrow.

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So you got to find that urgency to do the right thing right now.

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If you say that you do not believe in Jesus you have stepped outside of Islam you cannot be a Muslim and attended our faith to

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eats comb eats lay everybody sleepy. I arise and ask a lot of thinking me. Oh la You see, oh la you know, all my sins I do. I turn to you to vacate my cinema.

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runaway

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guy be