Crisis Of Marriage In America

share this pageShare Page
Yaser Birjas

Channel: Yaser Birjas

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:08--> 00:00:22

hamdulillah Brahman sallallahu wasallam of Allah can Amina Muhammad Allah alayhi wa sallam with a steamer Kathy Ratan Nava. It seems that people don't get really bored whenever we talk about a subject like love and marriage.

00:00:24--> 00:00:26

So you guys are smiling and laughing

00:00:28--> 00:00:38

which means it is true. It's very hard and difficult to find people away from subject like marriage and love, specifically in a community

00:00:39--> 00:00:52

full with youth Mashallah. And also youthful hearts, is always into the idea of love and marriage in order to rejuvenate their lives and see a future for themselves as well.

00:00:54--> 00:01:37

So hello, the issue of the issue of marriage, the issue of love, even though Allah subhanho wa Taala stated clearly in the Quran, that is one of his boundaries and favours upon mankind. Woman it he unfollowed galactomannan fusuma as well as a little later with jalepeno commodity Rama in a theoretical formula for current it is among his son is this that he created for you made from amongst yourself and another for you to do it and tranquility with them peace and tranquility. And he has placed between your hearts love and mercy in a theoretical formula for Karun. Indeed they are in our science for those who reflect. So Allah subhana wa tada made the issue of marriage one of his

00:01:37--> 00:02:07

science, one of his magnificent and brilliant signs in this creation. How men get attracted to women, women, they get attracted to men, how men they fall in love, fall in love with women and women with men, how they come together in order to look and find this peace and tranquility, all by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala even Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam acknowledges this as a fact of creation. He encouraged people to go and pursue this peace and tranquility as quick as possible.

00:02:08--> 00:02:53

He did not incur he never encouraged people to delay marriages. He always discouraged that he encouraged people young men and women to pursue marriage as quick as possible. Say yeah Masha Shabaab mana Stata I'm acumen ba four letter word. And this instruction is specifically given to men because usually they're the ones who should be initiating the proposals, saying Yeah, Masha Shabaab, you a Shabaab, the youth manasota I'm acumen Ba, anyone who finds himself capable, is financially physically all aspects. If you find yourself capable of getting married, failure says Oh, what should go and pursue it should go and get married. The profit so the lesson I'm given Now, the

00:02:53--> 00:03:08

reason for this, it is will be better for you will help you lower your gaze and protect yourself your chastity from the Heron. But if you couldn't rally the song, anyone who was unable then should go and adhere to fast,

00:03:09--> 00:03:16

fast as much as you can, in order to suppress this overwhelming desire until the loss of Hannah Montana makes it easy for you.

00:03:17--> 00:03:30

With all these instructions from the prophets of alojado salaam, and this beautiful sign from Allah subhanho wa Taala. And this creation, it seems that living here in the West, things are getting difficult and more difficult.

00:03:32--> 00:03:36

Look around you. And ask yourself the question, Are you married?

00:03:38--> 00:03:45

Just let me see. See the show of hands? How many of you guys are single? Raise your hands if you're single brothers and sisters?

00:03:47--> 00:03:48

Maybe because you're young.

00:03:50--> 00:03:51

But how old are you?

00:03:55--> 00:03:56

You're still young though.

00:03:59--> 00:04:06

So in traditional in traditional societies, people of your age should all be Mashallah they would have two three children.

00:04:08--> 00:04:49

There will be well rather than life well established men and women. So they know they continue the process of procreation of mankind, and they continue the process of establishing societies. And they're going to be going on further and further until loss of hunter wealth. But still, though, with all these things, we know and realize how difficult it is for people to get married, at least here in America. Even if you go and you're good man, there are so many problems. So many obstacles you have to go over and you have to try to overcome before even you reach that level. And even if Allah subhanaw taala blessed you to be among those who are few in number here in America, who gets

00:04:49--> 00:04:54

married will be very difficult and hard to maintain that relationship without any problems.

00:04:56--> 00:05:00

Dealing with the youth. And also those who are married can get a lot of random

00:05:00--> 00:05:21

In dealing with this class of love and love notes, sometimes it brings a lot of wonders how people how they experience beautiful and loving relationship with each other. But at the same time, you will see some relations are going up and down based on their circumstances, makes you feel so, so hella annoyed by the reality of marriage for all Muslim youth here in America.

00:05:23--> 00:05:30

People they ask the question, well hold on a second, is it impossible to raise a Muslim family in an environment like here in the West?

00:05:31--> 00:05:54

I mean, you're talking about traditional societies and hamdulillah. Muslims are overwhelming, you know, majority. So therefore, everything all the circumstances will help to establish an Islamic Society in a Muslim family handle or have me help in the process of upgrading our children? What about here? Is it? Is it hard and difficult really to bring up a Muslim family? The answer is yes. But is it impossible? The answer is no.

00:05:55--> 00:06:10

So then, why do we have all these issues and all these problems? Can you really live in the West and maintain a Muslim identity and establish a good Muslim family, we have some problems.

00:06:11--> 00:06:53

And this is a crisis in marriage for the Muslim Muslim community living in America and the West in general. And honestly, exploring many, many of the activity sessions I had conducted with my students in the fifth of love, and also love note classes and seminars, you come with so many problems, and causes that they produce for you. Dealing with all these issues, it's very hard and difficult to finish in few minutes. But I have summarized some of them, at least just to show to shed some light on some of these probably most important problems I have seen among the youth here in America. And I have also divided this to three different groups. The first set of problems falls

00:06:53--> 00:07:01

under conventional views. We have specific conventional views, put some obstacles on the way to get married.

00:07:02--> 00:07:04

The second, some gender issues.

00:07:06--> 00:07:24

There's something contemporary to Muslim society, and it's now the influence of the Western society. So, what are they exactly? And then we will see we will see inshallah some cultural issues as well as for these conventional views. Number one, the ideals of love and marriage.

00:07:25--> 00:07:42

If you ask the young men and young women here, and this assertive in this room, what are your views regarding love and marriage, they would have some kind of beautiful ideals. And I call them ideas because all what they have in their mind is just that beautiful image and heavenly bliss.

00:07:43--> 00:08:08

For them reality, sometimes it's almost impossible to reach that level. You have to deal with the circumstances, you have to accept that you have to need to compromise. So you see young men, they would like to have the most beautiful woman, the most talented woman, the smartest lady, she's excellent in cooking. She's Mashallah basically all these beautiful qualities in one woman.

00:08:09--> 00:08:20

Same thing, the ladies would like to wait for this martial law athletic guy, very smart, intelligent, rich and wealthy, kind and carrying all these beautiful images.

00:08:22--> 00:08:26

I will say the only place you can find a man or a woman like this is an agenda.

00:08:27--> 00:08:29

in dunya, it's very hard.

00:08:30--> 00:08:37

You ask those who was once they initiate the idea about getting married. They want to experience

00:08:38--> 00:08:50

they want to experience love first because they believe in what they have learned in this society. You cannot marry someone unless you love them. That is true. What do you mean by law?

00:08:51--> 00:09:03

Is it that these kind of fairy tale you know, mentality that you see her? She's beautiful, she must be perfect. So I love her. And he's handsome and his appearance is red. So I love him. Is that all?

00:09:04--> 00:09:35

Can we just rushing over the concept of love? What does exactly mean? What's gonna happen next? We see in this society with all these audios about love that you have to create, to practice and experience that relationship before even you get married. You have to experience that love before you get married. Still, though we have so many people, they go for divorce after they get married in this society. Why? Because they realize marriage is not just love is not just a lip service. It is something beyond what you claim.

00:09:36--> 00:09:40

It is something practical that you need to prove. If you love me, then show it to me.

00:09:41--> 00:09:59

And you need to see this person who's really practical, who understands the meaning of love and they are ready to sacrifice their life for this relationship. We call it marriage. It's a matter of commitment. If you love somebody, you need to commit for them. It's not about Let me try it

00:10:00--> 00:10:03

No trials in marriage, I mean marriage, it doesn't come with a receipt.

00:10:04--> 00:10:10

You have 30 days trial, just bring the receipt and we're ready just to revoke the marriage doesn't work like that, believe me.

00:10:12--> 00:10:19

You have to commit. And when you commit, you commit for a relationship, and never put failure as an option.

00:10:20--> 00:10:54

in the minds of many, many people, young men and women, when they go into a relationship, you can see that because I conduct sometimes even marriage, marriage contracts, I can see these views from the way they try to stipulate and put conditions in their marriage contract. So they say you know what, we need the $500 only as a Maha, which is macadam is up front, and then $50,000. deferred Maha. You ask the people, what do you mean by 50,000? What does that for? So Well, just in case if things don't work, really, we want to make sure that we will stand on something solid.

00:10:55--> 00:11:01

Okay, what if he gets so abusive that he says, You know, I don't have $50,000, therefore, I'm gonna go after you until you ask for color.

00:11:03--> 00:11:39

So the relationship becomes so sour, they start abusing each other fighting, and even after they get married in islamically, they go to the court to finish it legally, because they know if they're going to go to the Islamic divorce, it's going to look different. So they have to go by law, and that's for them to ensure extra amount of what they have earned their medical life. So we do have some problems, views of love, or mixing honestly, contaminating the idea of marriage, and the idea of the earnestness of marriage and love, which is family life. Family Life is very, very important.

00:11:40--> 00:11:51

Part of these conventional views, as we mentioned earlier, the premarital relations, because of now I need to, I need to fall in love with this man or this woman before marriage. So therefore, I have to experience Him and her,

00:11:52--> 00:12:09

eventually talking about some conservative communities, Muslim communities, they need to know each other and they start knowing each other, and then it gets a little bit, you know, a little more relaxed. So they started going with one another talking over the phone for hours and hours, and they go without any chaperones or Muharram, and so on. And sometimes they fall into the harem before they get married.

00:12:10--> 00:12:17

And I have unfortunately had to go and get involved in some of these issues and Muslim communities. Because people they get extra excited.

00:12:18--> 00:12:23

And they know that they had promised that they were going to get married anyway eventually. So why not?

00:12:24--> 00:12:29

I need to know him. And I need to know him. But to what extent what exactly do you need to know about him and about her?

00:12:30--> 00:13:07

How loving he this person is going to be? How can this person is going to be a what exactly you need to know. Yes, Islam gives you the gives you a chance to get together through the supervision of the family and the maharam to know one another. But it has to be supervised Why? to rationalize the concept of love. It's not just about him, you know, flowing all these emotions to us. So you could just deceived by these words. There's somebody else saying Hold on a second, you just spoke all these emotions right now. I need the I needed to show this in practice. What I mean by this, what you're offering here, what is going on here? What do you do? How are you going to be how we're going

00:13:07--> 00:13:13

to go about all these issues in life. So trying always to build these issues for the family life or the future of the family?

00:13:14--> 00:13:16

Number Three of the controversial views.

00:13:17--> 00:13:30

The issue finances, ask most of those young people say what's the problem? What do you guys why aren't you getting married right now? Well, I'm not ready yet. Okay, what do you mean by ready? financially stable? Okay. How old? Are you? 35 years old?

00:13:32--> 00:13:50

Subhanallah, 35 years old, still not married? Because you're financially stable? What have you been doing all these years? What did it What did you spend your money? I mean, if it was for charity, 100 a lot of what I mean a lot to do. museum investing with Allah subhanho wa Taala. But it was just on PlayStation games, there'll be a big problem.

00:13:52--> 00:13:56

So indeed, if this is the case, then you're not you'll never be ready for marriage at all.

00:13:57--> 00:14:28

But yes, finances. What do you mean by that? For many people, the issue of finances is a big, big challenge. And we have some cultural and also some of these that contribute to these controversial views of marriage, and conventional views of of marriage is that you have to finish your education completely, which goes with it. So finances most likely would go with education. And when you say education, for many, many people, it means PhD

00:14:29--> 00:14:33

or at least Md tentu. Future

00:14:34--> 00:14:47

if you're another doctor, I don't know how successful you're going to be in life. That's what we have in our minds. If you're on if you basically go for an Imam position, may Allah be with you. Are we gonna have a survive?

00:14:49--> 00:14:51

And we don't know that even the market for imams are changed.

00:14:52--> 00:14:59

There are some Muslim communities looking for imams community leaders have strong position leadership. They start with 85,000

00:15:00--> 00:15:03

dollars, just please come and lead our community.

00:15:04--> 00:15:16

And I heard other community even asking for more, just offering more just we need someone to lead. So the issue finance is not about our own perception, you have to be an engineer, you have to be a doctor, you have to be this you have to be that

00:15:18--> 00:15:56

is you need to you need to be successful in life. That's all. How, what if you're a teacher? Can't you manage your money very well and shallow out and not survive in this life? Yes. Besides, when you say stable, stable, financially stable, what does that mean? You're going to need to first to have a house, to have a car, and then to have the whole furniture handler in the house and so on before we get married. I mean, that's true, you need to have someplace where you can start with what your wife would. But it doesn't have to be a huge mortgage that you put in your back and your shoulders in order to survive. Because of this view, right now, many young men and women, they look for the other

00:15:56--> 00:16:03

party, of course, to be proud as equally rich, if not even more. So they want a working partner,

00:16:04--> 00:16:17

young men, they are looking for a sister who has a degree so they could go and walk in Charlotte. And in order to ensure a better financial situation. Well, if you would like to take that route, that is fine. But you're going to have to be the consequences of this decision.

00:16:19--> 00:16:30

How come? The more you earn? That's not statistically speaking, the more you earn, the more you spend, and you will never reach that satisfaction? Never.

00:16:32--> 00:16:46

So if you both earn $120,000, why should you go for a house that cost maybe $50,000? Now we're gonna buy a bigger house. And Mashallah a new house, a new drive the same car? No, it has to be a new car. So they're going to buy two cars.

00:16:48--> 00:16:58

And both of you, if not even lease furniture, or no way, you're not going to bring anything from your apartment. Everything has to be new. So they buy new furniture.

00:16:59--> 00:17:39

And even they sometimes they leave the tags on the furniture forever, just to have almost a fee that it's new. So we always have all these now high expectations or finances before we even get married. We start our marriage with a huge financial burden, asked most of those young men who start with this with this, this actually huge financial burden besides the loan, of course, that the college and student loans. And it's not a point right now to say it's haram or halal. But the point is that they start with a lot of burden on their financial burdens. And then when they start their marital life, they always throw the blame on their families, on their wives. Why it's because of you. I'm

00:17:39--> 00:17:50

carrying all this burden. And that's when they always start, you know, getting in troubles or fighting each other. And the relation gets sour, and even sometimes bitter to the divorce. They ship education.

00:17:51--> 00:17:55

And one of activities we had in this class the seminars about marriage and love.

00:17:57--> 00:18:02

We asked them we asked the young men and women a question. We said, Why do you delay your marriages?

00:18:03--> 00:18:43

And they give different views. Of course, one of these issues was delaying the marriage. Actually, the question itself delaying marriage was objected by some sisters, saying no, it's not about delay. We're waiting. And let me just read to you. What were the reasons these young men and women delay their marriages. And I'm now reading real actual statistics. Myth number one reason number one is for men and for women to delay and defer their marriages further and further because if it was not for them, I would like to marry next. I mean yesterday, not even tomorrow. But now there are some obstacles. Number One reason for these young men and women delaying their marriages. Guess what?

00:18:45--> 00:18:45

parents?

00:18:47--> 00:19:26

Number one reason parents and we shall talk about this inshallah we'll talk about cultural gaps. But parents will be number one reason for them to deliver merges. Number two, for men, finances, for women, education, almost the same, somehow. Number three, for men education, which means if I can find myself financially stable, and continue with my education, I don't mind I'll get married, but just need to be financially stable more for women. Number three, fear and intimidation are what they give different reasons. Fear of oppression, fear of control, fear of

00:19:27--> 00:19:32

past experiences, fear of family responsibilities, and so for all these kind of things.

00:19:33--> 00:19:37

For men, number four, it was fear.

00:19:38--> 00:19:43

And that's fear of what fear of commitment and fear of rejection.

00:19:45--> 00:19:49

Men they get intimidated when they go and propose.

00:19:50--> 00:19:59

And many people they come to me young people because we don't have the same traditional ways of you know, getting along our marriages. So like the mother usually takes the role and seeking for

00:20:00--> 00:20:21

For the best match for her for her son, and so on. They don't do that anymore over here except for for a few. So he's trying to look for himself. And now he sees that she might be a potential maybe why this might be a prospective bride and so on. But how do I go about it? And I'm afraid they get so scared of asking. So they fear rejection. Then number five

00:20:22--> 00:20:28

of alleged me Sorry, number four, which is a very amusing here. It's lack of proposals.

00:20:31--> 00:20:33

So the guy's fear of rejection they don't propose.

00:20:34--> 00:20:37

And the ladies, they're waiting because of lack of proposals.

00:20:40--> 00:20:52

How are you going to bridge the gap right now? What should we do we tell the guys don't want to just go into us. And the ladies, they have some list of conditions that may this guy's house getaway

00:20:53--> 00:20:54

number five,

00:20:56--> 00:20:59

lack of halaal venues, which is true.

00:21:01--> 00:21:08

So we don't know how to go where to go. Imams, not too many imams are helpful, because they don't want to be responsible for relationship, my turn source our

00:21:10--> 00:21:32

families, they would like to give to force specific relations on us. So therefore we don't want the interference in our relationship, parents, they always put this condition away. And even if we even if we say fine, I want to get married, the parents will say no, until you finish your education. What I mean by education is not even bachelor's degree anymore, by the way, bachelor's degrees, just like finishing, you know, kindergarten today.

00:21:33--> 00:21:42

So you have to have a master's degree or a PhD. So you need to go keep going on and your indication. Number six,

00:21:45--> 00:21:45

cultural

00:21:47--> 00:22:24

culture becomes a huge problem, we shall again, as I said, we talked about it in sha Allah, Allah laters decision. But from this, as you see, young men and women, they have their own perspective and why they are delaying their marriages. But still though, the sister which I wanted to bring here to regard an issue of education, as a one of these conventional views, the issue of education for systems, they say, listen, it's not a matter that we're delaying our marriage, because it's not our, our hand, usually, the guy should initiate the proposal, which is through most letters, they're expecting and still waiting for this Prince Charming to come and his white horse and say, let's go.

00:22:24--> 00:22:50

And they're waiting. So they thought they said, We are not delaying, actually. But we are waiting. Which means if don't don't propose, we're going to keep waiting for too long. As a solution for this, basically, because they have already been handled and the process of education and learning and certification. Listen, as long as long as I'm going to be waiting for a proposal a suitable proposal to come, why not then just continue my education. So they go on to join graduate school.

00:22:51--> 00:23:02

What they don't realize, the more they go in this field of graduate school, and then PhDs and then career oriented, the views and vision and so on, the more these guys gets good.

00:23:03--> 00:23:16

This is going to be overqualified for me. So therefore, the best way to do it is to go traditionally, and you will have this you all know and you hear about so many of these young boys, they go and they marry from overseas.

00:23:17--> 00:23:54

Why I don't want to get involved with this problem. See, I just don't want to get all these headaches. So it's better just to get someone who's tradition, she was just want to be my wife, I don't want to be a co worker in the house. I don't want to have these problems from her work with me and so on. So they have all these issues. Education is not hard on receiving the highest degree of education is not hard on itself. But now we're dealing with reality. And I want to just open your eyes for the realities, I'm not here promoting any specific, let's say marriage, or even pattern, I'm just opening your eyes to what's going on. In reality. Most of those guys with fear rejection,

00:23:54--> 00:23:59

so they get intimidated, most of those, so they're waiting, and sometimes they're waiting on the wrong station.

00:24:00--> 00:24:07

So therefore, something has to be done, I will need to realize and understand the concept of marriage and love.

00:24:11--> 00:24:13

Which brings us to the issue of gender,

00:24:14--> 00:24:15

gender issues.

00:24:17--> 00:24:24

Now, gender issues, if you read any Islamic literature, specific traditional Islamic literature, books of books,

00:24:25--> 00:24:40

and so on the concept of gender and gender in expectation, gender issues, they don't exist in these traditional classical works of feria, but they do exist in the contemporary world for Muslim scholars, or at least students of knowledge. So they don't because it's a it's a true challenge.

00:24:42--> 00:24:59

And being a true challenge, it has to be tackled from an Islamic perspective to see what exactly is going on all Muslim society. So when you deal with the gender issues, the issue of men and women, the role of men in the society of women in the society who takes precedence over the other

00:25:00--> 00:25:18

Have you know, patriarchy is the man who takes control of everything in the society and women, they just have, you know, some kind of complimentary role in this. So what exactly should be the role of men and women in society? Based on the and how you answer this question, then you're going to have to touch on the issue of family life.

00:25:19--> 00:25:28

Because if you're gonna say men and women should share, you know, the workforce and do and help around the society and so on, which is good. I'm the little guy, man. Okay, on that count of whom?

00:25:29--> 00:25:41

family time, family life, kids who's going to be raising your kids, whether your parents, your in laws, friends, nannies, or someone you don't know who

00:25:43--> 00:25:47

and as on the long run is going to create some kind of social instability in the society.

00:25:49--> 00:25:52

In Islam, Do we have anything such as Islamic feminism?

00:25:54--> 00:25:55

What do you guys think?

00:25:56--> 00:25:58

We have anything like Islamic feminism?

00:26:00--> 00:26:02

The guys are scared to answer.

00:26:05--> 00:26:18

Even though even though as I said, we might not have these issues tackled seriously in Islamic classical walks of first and Sharia. But it is a real problem in the Muslim society.

00:26:19--> 00:26:37

People they grew up in traditional families with what we call a gender expectations. So what is the general expectation for women, gender expectation of women is that when they grow, they need to grow, of course to prepare themselves for the family life, to the wives, or housewives.

00:26:38--> 00:27:20

Today, they call them home homemakers, because housewife, some kind of negative connotation with it. So they just prefer to say homemaker as well. So that's not traditional, of course view. And this is now gender expectation from them. So and most men, even the highly probably educated men in this society, for once the Muslims, they always go and go back to that view when it comes to marriage. Yes, even if he wants his wife to work with him at all to help with the finances, they still go back traditional when it comes to gender expectations. So they want her to walk by the same time she needs to be the housewife. So some of my businesses with the house, it's yours, you cook, you take

00:27:20--> 00:27:45

care of the laundry, take care of the kids, you do all these things. And for women, they're gonna say, well, that's not fair. Hold on a second. I mean, do you agree that we should be partners equal partners, because we believe in equality. So why now you force me to do these things. So they get married, and the first few weeks and months because now again, they're in this in love heavenly bliss, or they start feeling the reality of marriage, and how these now, these

00:27:46--> 00:27:58

expectations would be contradictory to their own personal views of marriage. That's when they start coming into fights, into arguments, and probably even into the relationship with divorce.

00:27:59--> 00:28:10

Men, they expect themselves to be the breadwinners. So my job is just to go out and walk. Once I'm done. That's it. I want to go home just to chill out.

00:28:11--> 00:28:33

And even if I stay at home for some time, I need to go out with my guys with the friends. You know, just like in the old days, the the hunting packs. Harmon they used to go out just for hunting and sit sit together for days and nights and outside out and they come back with their martial law with their games and with the meat when the bread was the food, and they're so happy they expect their wife just to say Jazakallah fair martial America Luffy

00:28:35--> 00:28:50

is no complaint. They don't want any comparison their wives. But again, infant influences from this culture from the Muslim culture has changed these conventional views of marriages, with men and women now are facing the age of even Islamic feminism.

00:28:53--> 00:29:02

Even women, sometimes, unintentionally, they might fall into the pitfalls of this actually have these views. And men don't know how to deal with it, because for them, it's even out of the question.

00:29:03--> 00:29:14

We're still Muslims and therefore, this patriarchal system means a loss of answers in the Koran, original Muna Nisa, which means men or our moon,

00:29:15--> 00:29:49

or moon means protectors, their guardians, they are responsible for their families because of the preferences between them. Based on these differences, Allah Subhana made one over the other, and finances, they're responsible financially for the households. And if they compromise any of these two things, they're going to lose the concept of karma. And that's why we see in this society right now, when both parties are working, actually, it creates a lot of tension between the husband and wife because now the concept of trauma is no longer as it should. It should be.

00:29:50--> 00:30:00

Doesn't mean it's haram for a woman to walk. None at all. It's based on the circumstances. But I always suggest for the young men and women before they get married, if they're going to be

00:30:00--> 00:30:00

We

00:30:01--> 00:30:32

both work and they have to understand the consequences and set the rules for the future before they continue this relationship, it's not that you know, okay, they're not 100 a weekend, we can manage it, because they don't know what you're talking about. After a few months, that's when they start realizing, oh, my God, I didn't get mad just to keep having a roommate with me in the house. I need the wife, I need my husband with me now. So that's what this was a few months later, okay, hold on a second, the husband says, Okay, I don't want you to work anymore.

00:30:33--> 00:30:44

I want you to stay at home says no, I don't spend all 13 years in my life to get my degree just to stay at home. So this starts fighting over these issues. And the relationship does not stay too long.

00:30:45--> 00:30:49

Because of this, was because of one of these gender issues.

00:30:50--> 00:31:23

Even the structure of marriage has changed. So we have this one marriage patterns right now. Among the Muslims. We have the traditional marriage, which is based on the traditional gender expectations, the man is the head of the house, the woman, she's taking care of all the other things in the house. And then we have contemporary pattern for egalitarian pattern. When men and men man and woman, they both believe that we are all partners and equal in all aspects, finances, parenting, household issues, you know, all these kind of things. So the man he

00:31:27--> 00:31:35

would say, it's your business, you're the man. Yeah, but you'll always be also working, while also the law is the law says it's my money,

00:31:36--> 00:32:13

woman, whatever she earns, that's hers. And whatever man, and he has to participate and share with his wife. So therefore, that's that's how Islam and hamdulillah and distributes the finances. of the masses. Yeah, but this is not true. I mean, if you're going to be working without participating, I don't want you to work them. And again, we go into the same issue. So gala, terian. And the same thing, the man for example, at night, he comes back from what society wants to get some sleep, and now they have a child, you keep crying and weeping and so on. Gender expectation is that that's her business, not mine. So the baby starts crying. He The only thing he does is he pushes his wife.

00:32:16--> 00:32:18

She's crying, can you go and check her check on her?

00:32:19--> 00:32:29

wall, she says, okay, it's your turn, says Who said that? Who said we take turns here, it's your business, it's your job. But they don't realize that now they're endangering their relationship.

00:32:30--> 00:32:32

We have also an intermediate

00:32:33--> 00:33:07

pattern between both traditional and egalitarian, which is called trans transitional people who believe in traditional views, but the same time and the process of moving towards, okay, I need to help around the house. A man says, Yes, I know, you should, I should help, you know, because the life lifestyle we live here in the West is totally different. It's not like, you know, in Muslim countries, we have a lot of relatives around you who can help with everything what you want, and so on. So therefore, I have to I have to be around the house as much as possible. Which means I need to help with parenting and to help with the chores of the house, I need to be for you even sometimes,

00:33:07--> 00:33:20

like, you know, in this style, I need to cook one day, per week, for example, two days. So they try to help around the house. Same thing, the wife would say, Yeah, I know, it's very difficult for you to take care of the bills. And so so I'll just take care of this for you.

00:33:21--> 00:33:27

Just Just make sure that we have enough money in the bank. And I'll take care of the check and balances.

00:33:28--> 00:33:39

So Islam, and this is not really it's not a thing that needs to be ashamed of, is indeed a religion, that support patriarchal system in the family life.

00:33:40--> 00:34:14

One thing I want to mention, you got an issue for the system of patriarchy in Islam, I don't want you when I say whenever when I bring the word patriarchal system, I don't want you to imagine that the western interpretation of patriarchy, because they have a totally different interpretation to if you check the concept of patriarchy in the European society, because most of these views come from European experiences back in the 14th 16th 16th century, and it's all based on religion, specifically Catholicism, and how the Catholic Church Do you know, women in the society, and also in America over here during the time of

00:34:16--> 00:34:54

the conquistadors, when this was coming to North America and South America, what they how they dealt with the issue of women and gender and so on. It's somehow something that really mankind should be should feel ashamed in how men treat women. So now when we build issue patriarchy, that men should be the head of the house and take care of the financial issues and the social structure should be for women and so on. We think that it's a matter of the same pattern of aggression, of suppression of complete control. We don't realize that it's a matter of coordination and cooperation, not cooperation. Its cooperation, helping one another. And that's how Rasulullah has also explained that

00:34:54--> 00:34:59

in his own actions, how he dealt with his wife so a lot of money who said hierarchy

00:35:00--> 00:35:28

photocopy only, I mean, he is the is number one document in his household. However, we if you check his lifestyle with his wife, you will be amazed. How could Rasulullah hacer la sala being so lenient for example his wife and certain issues, how he treated them? How can you watch them salatu wa salam Ali, and that's what he says that a lot of sell them how eurocom photochemically early he will NFL clearly the best amongst you are those are the best of their families and I am the one who's the bestest. So the

00:35:30--> 00:35:52

interesting thing regarding towards this point, actually word. When I was checking long time ago, some books about history of feminism here in the West, I was really surprised and shocked that a book that was written back in the early 1990s, not even late 1980s and the introduction of the book, The first action on the sleeve from the inside the first the first page, they call it this hadith

00:35:53--> 00:36:32

they call this hadith Rasul Allah, his Alassane hierro compiler clearly, one herculean, that the best amongst you are, those are the best of their families, and I am the best of my family. And in the introduction, they said, of course, Mohammed prophet of Islam, and then afterwards in the introduction, they said that it is based on this and the experience of, of women in Islam, it's really believed that Islam or Muhammad was the first advocate for women's liberation. Of course, they wanted to do that on their own way on perspective. But we do believe that women they had a lot of rights more than so many women, they actually in Europe until even this day, as for the cultural

00:36:33--> 00:36:33

issues,

00:36:35--> 00:36:43

some of these cultural issues that contribute to the crisis of women and marriage in in the West, number one, pre arranged marriages,

00:36:44--> 00:37:11

parents and we all know kandalama squander reward them for the efforts are all the hardships that they had to endure in order to bring this up to become Mashallah grown up. And even their support and help in order to finish our education and become adults and successful in our life. We know all of that. However, sometimes parents, they think that they take this for granted that now since I did all this for you, it is my turn to put the seal on it is your marriage.

00:37:12--> 00:37:17

Once you're married at Hamdulillah, I'm out of it. That's what they think.

00:37:19--> 00:37:43

So they always think that you know, what my role would finish when I just get you inshallah, to Allah on the road. And the last thing I need to do for you is just to help you get married. And when I want to help you get married, I want you to marry the best person to you the most suitable match. So they make the as much as possible, all efforts possible for them in order to bring you the person that you need to need to get married.

00:37:44--> 00:37:49

It's more it's between men and women, some some people that think this is now forced marriages or arranged marriages just happens.

00:37:50--> 00:38:26

You know, it's an advantage for men, of course, disadvantage women on both sides. Sometimes it's branches, sometimes it's a disadvantage. Even sometimes guys, they are default victims for these pre arranged marriages. Just like women, sometimes they are victims of this and sometimes people they don't, it's not a matter of being a victim victimized actually becomes really a privilege and handle advantage for you to have a pre arranged marriage to help you go through life in an easy way without going in after so many proposals chasing, you know, illusions and so on. So, it might sometimes it has some kind of benefits, and some that would have some disadvantages. Not all pre arranged

00:38:26--> 00:38:46

marriages are wrong. But not all of them are also right. So the parents, they would come and they try to force the of course the patterns on the on the kids. So you know what, I wanted to marry this person. And they put some kind of parental pressure. Like, if you don't listen to me, we don't accept this person I'm gonna make do against you.

00:38:48--> 00:39:09

I will never be satisfied with you. Why? Why? But at the same time, kids need to realize that the parents are doing this out of love out of hate your parents, they love you so much. And even if you become 50 years old, and even older, you're going to always be looked at as my little boy, I'm no good.

00:39:10--> 00:39:22

Because you distilled the children for them. So they can always try to take care of you. Even this happened with Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam. Well, sola was a messenger of Allah will use to come to Medina, amen.

00:39:23--> 00:39:43

His witness, he was a little baby, which he knows. And now he's a grown up is a messenger, great messenger of Allah sallallahu wasallam. And she's an old lady. She used to cook some food for him. So when he comes to visit, she goes, come and eat. I says, No, I don't want you. So they start yelling at him. And just like any mother,

00:39:44--> 00:39:51

we visit, you're gonna you're gonna have to look at yourself, you don't eat enough. So basically always caring. And when they do that, it's not that she hated us.

00:39:53--> 00:39:59

No, she loved him so much. So listen, you know, you keep going around, you have a song mission that you need to care for and so on. So you need to eat it.

00:40:00--> 00:40:37

Come over here and eat. Even if you didn't like it, he still wants you want him just to go and eat. And also, the last lesson was the most caring man ever walked on Earth, even when this isn't a matter of the law is worth nurse again, he would bring his coat for her to sit on it. Although a lot of the point is that our parents when they do that, they have their own views, they have their own perspective, they love us so much. And that's what they want to help you. So that you just let us solve all this problem quickly. So you could get along with your life in shallow time again, they don't realize sometimes that they might hurt us, you know, unintentionally. And therefore, please

00:40:37--> 00:41:00

don't get offended when your parents tries to help you arrange your marriage, but try to come together understand how to go about and what exactly should be looking for. For parents, I always suggest that you make this decision, final decision for the kid for the kids. It's not your decision sisters. And also the law has ensured that this decision should be made by those young people. When he says that a lot of solomani ensure that

00:41:01--> 00:41:46

the proposal or the final decision on any proposal is the girls. No one has allowed to force his daughter into any marriage. However, Allah subhanaw taala gave men which in this case, the parent of the Father in particular, gave him the power of filtering these proposals, which we called alveoli. So you cannot force but you can say no. And if the man takes it further to become more abusive, and say, No, no, no, because you have something in his mind, they'll have the full right to object to his rejection, and his even power can be provoked from him, or evoke from him. One of these issues, cultural issues, we have here, interracial marriages, living in America, specifically in New York,

00:41:46--> 00:41:54

you guys, you know better. It's a very, very multicultural society. You cannot say that there is one culture that's predominant to

00:41:55--> 00:41:58

everybody brings with him his own culture, and their own packages.

00:41:59--> 00:42:02

Parents, sometimes they keep living in a shed.

00:42:03--> 00:42:29

I mentioned here earlier that most of the people who come in from this magnet background, first, second, third generation, most of these parents, they photos live here in New York and being in a hub city like New York, and it's easy to travel overseas. So the Middle East and the middle, and these countries become like the backyard for them. They want to just have a cup of coffee, they just you know, book a ticket and then travel and they come back again, with a shopping cart.

00:42:30--> 00:42:52

Very easy to do that. It's getting more expensive right now. So maybe they're gonna go back again, travel by boat. But still, if for them, they live in a cultural society that's totally unique. And those parents would that with the technology that is now added to the contributing to the problem. So the satellite TV, people at home watching overseas TVs,

00:42:53--> 00:43:08

so they're now they're becoming more entrenched into their own culture. And they expect their kids to do the same as well. What I don't realize is that their kids have already claimed their own culture. And that culture, of course, is the American Muslim culture.

00:43:09--> 00:43:45

The kids don't care about colors. They don't care about ethnicities, they don't care about background, they're all they consider themselves Muslims. And that's it. So whether you're coming from from Africa, from Europe, from an Arab non Arab societies on for them living together so long, they have brought in all these cultural boundaries. And now want to introduce someone from a different culture to their parents, oh, my God, it's an alarming thing for them. Something must be something's going on in your mind, what's going What's wrong with you? I mean, how come? No, he's not an Arab. She's not this is not that Why? Because again, we still live this kind of culture for

00:43:45--> 00:44:24

our kids. They don't care about these issues. I want both parties to be part of the solution. Which means parents, you need to realize, if you're living here in America, you should be living by body and by soul. It doesn't mean to adapt anything that is haram or wrong. But you should also consider the changes that are happening to your culture through your kids. And for the kids, I want you also to understand that your parents, they have legitimate concern, when they come to consult their cultures and tradition. It's very, very important, they would like you, they would like to shoot for you, of course, a larger social network that you will need in your on your mind. We don't perceive

00:44:24--> 00:44:37

that because he will live under Of course, the influence of individualism, so everybody wants to be himself or herself. But still, you cannot live without that cultural influence. So you need to open your mind, open your heart to all of these things.

00:44:46--> 00:44:53

Anyway, last thing, I would like to conclude with this Allah so you can get to question and answers as possible. The issue of

00:44:54--> 00:44:59

parental expectations. You know, when one of the reasons or one of the things that we mentioned today

00:45:00--> 00:45:10

In the issue of why men and women delay their marriages, is the issue of education issue 500. And number one was parents, parents, usually they set the bar so high

00:45:11--> 00:45:12

for the prospective

00:45:14--> 00:45:43

spouse in the future. So they want the man to be a highly educated person, most intelligent, non rich and wealthy, very well established, well grounded in life, and so on. They don't, they don't want someone who's inexperienced in life. But if you want someone like this, they're going to have to go through a lot of things before they get married. Those men in order to meet the expectation of these parents, they go through a lot of modification. So bachelor's degree is not enough anymore to go and propose.

00:45:45--> 00:45:56

So you go with a bachelor's degree to a parent saying I have a bachelor's degree in what's in it, or even education within that to say, Well, how much you earn anyway. That's the second question.

00:45:57--> 00:46:12

Okay, I appreciate your degree, but how much you earn from this? Why would you say I have a master's degree in that so they expect that you are earning more, if you have a PhD degrees or more, okay, what happens when a man waits until he finishes his PhD degree? How old is he would be

00:46:14--> 00:46:15

not for is Come on.

00:46:18--> 00:46:35

I would assume that the person when you reach the finish your PhD, you'd be close to 30 years old. Unless you were taking your time because of finances issues. So my past 30 years old, okay, when you pass 30 years old, and you want to get married, okay? What age we'll be looking for for a spouse.

00:46:40--> 00:47:05

So the humming over the answering it, most men are looking for a younger wife. And if you're looking for a younger wife, she's going to be probably in her master's degree, or master's degree. So he is going to have to wait a few more years before she finishes. Besides, if you're going to be also looking for a younger girl, this younger girl, she's still in her wishful thoughts, you think of that Prince john, and looking at you and your 30s and 40s.

00:47:13--> 00:47:16

So she goes and she waits even longer.

00:47:17--> 00:47:26

The more those young men and women wait for them for the perfect match, the longer they're gonna stay in the market.

00:47:27--> 00:47:33

And they're going to stay longer and longer people they're going to get tired and sick and so on. And then eventually it starts compromising a lot.

00:47:35--> 00:47:41

When there is specific agency, okay, fine. Forget about beauty, forget about wealth, forget about, I just need somebody.

00:47:42--> 00:48:13

And that would be it. And that would be wrong. We don't want you to reach that level. Again. I'm not promoting any specific use pattern for marriage. But I'm just trying to open our eyes to the reality of marriage, what exactly is going on what is happening, what I didn't know personally, from my experience in marriage, counseling, even marriage, counseling, pre marriage, marital relations, also even conducted marriage contracts, all these kinds of things will lie, seminars, love notes and fit of love. I know more than what you think about this issue. And by the way, I'm also married.

00:48:14--> 00:48:24

And I have three kids. So I know what does that mean, to be a father to be a parent in the West? May Allah subhanho wa Taala help you assist you all to achieve that goal.

00:48:26--> 00:49:01

So therefore, as a conclusion, it's not on one individual effort to solve the whole issue. It's not one method effort to solve the problem, Allah, it's a whole community effort. I know you guys have been visiting a lot of these matrimonial services, visiting all these conferences, and visiting so many things, how to solve this issue, and seems to be very difficult to find a solution easily for this, because we already put up a magic wand to say Bismillah. And that's it. That's the promise of everybody's married, everybody has children already, and cars and houses and martial law. It doesn't work like this. We need very serious

00:49:02--> 00:49:47

effort being done by all Muslim groups and communities and conferences, organizations, and also this issue, at least, let's start locally. So here in New York, you have Mashallah many, many messages, and many, many organizations. Why don't we start something in our method, then the next method, third method, fourth method, and start building these relations? How do we do that? First of all, I will suggest supervised sessions on regular basis between the youth and the parents bridge the gap, you don't have to discuss the issue of marriage only you can discuss the issue so many things, education, finances, a future of the community, even concept of leadership, because you see in many

00:49:47--> 00:50:00

Muslim organizations, it's still you know, in the hands of the of the first and the second generation, they don't let go, you know, because they want to make sure that everything runs up handler as they have started it and they don't really trust the new generation.

00:50:00--> 00:50:23

Because I see that the new generation is not experienced in life yet. It's gonna take them a while before they get to that point. Why don't we start, which is number two sessions, training sessions for the youth, young men and young women, and specifically on the concept of matrimonials. And marriage, what's the meaning to be married? What does it take to get married, even help them chart plans.

00:50:25--> 00:50:26

Just if you chart the plan for them.

00:50:27--> 00:50:44

So for to know, from this day, until, let's say four years, three years, five years, I want to be married. Help them inshallah, by establishing these kind of training sessions encouraged marriage. If your children come to you say, I want to get married, then I'm okay. But first of all, you need to quit playing PlayStation.

00:50:46--> 00:50:58

And then I can think about it seriously. So you need to show maturity, young people. If you are serious about marriage, you need to show maturity. Parents don't buy the issue of love telling you

00:50:59--> 00:51:27

that that's how they think they want someone who thinks about responsibility. We we know this is gonna come after marriage. But you know, you have to think about what's coming out what's coming next. I'm not saying he that you completely quit the idea of love. You can develop that before marriage and even after marriage. So Pamela, how many religions you know that they were they married before we know each other actually before marriage, and they have been going on this smash of successful relations for the past 10 1520 3040 years.

00:51:28--> 00:51:34

Don't say because they were forced no handle, at least they're happy ask them they're doing fine. So we do have it you know, on both sides.

00:51:37--> 00:51:38

As the issue finances,

00:51:40--> 00:51:47

we teach in the heavily huge class, a whole chapter on the issue of economy and finances, from the Quran.

00:51:49--> 00:52:10

People that usually when they think about finances and establishing themselves, you know, they always think of the conventional ideas of earning money means higher education, more certification, training, conferences, all these kind of things and so on. But there were so many about some of the things that we overlook

00:52:11--> 00:52:35

mentioned in the Quran regarding sources to earn enough money. Some of these just to mention some inshallah, they should stop fearing Allah subhana wa Tada. One a dilla Jana houmous. Raja was a woman hi Tula after said, is anyone who feels a lot truly alone, Maharajah would find him an exit from every hardship and difficulty, whereas a woman hydrilla

00:52:37--> 00:52:48

is we will provide them from sources that they can't even imagine. It's all coming by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala the second mission or on the issue of sugar, being thankful to Allah subhanaw taala

00:52:52--> 00:52:54

if you're grateful, I'll give you more.

00:52:55--> 00:52:59

But if you're ungrateful because you know most men and women when they ask them how much not enough

00:53:01--> 00:53:23

I'm still little behind, they're always behind and you will die behind delivery. So therefore just said hamdulillah I'm happy I'm happy with all I have which creates the cost of contentment being content you'll be rich and you will feel that you're immediately ready for that inshallah tada and the last one listed far seeking forgiveness and one last panel data

00:53:25--> 00:53:25

in

00:53:27--> 00:53:28

your citizen

00:53:30--> 00:53:31

raw data

00:53:38--> 00:54:14

is if you just seek forgiveness from Allah subhana wa tada Allah will provide everything for you. Wilson the rain will bring forth the you know the treasures of the earth and even increase your wealth and your children with the size of your family. These are now non conventional sources of money and what few people go after these sources. We all just go after what we know. But we overlook some of these sources. If you believe in these things, and you practice these things, Alice power care discontentment in your heart, you can always feel rich and you will always be ready and a lot of promise to you if you feel so and you'd like to do it. a coup for or

00:54:16--> 00:54:27

fatherly, if you want if you want to get married, but if you're that you're poor, put your trust in Allah. And Allah subhanho wa Taala will make you rich miscanthus. Last

00:54:28--> 00:54:41

question, what advice can you give to the single brothers who have financial problems? The first thing I would like to point out over here regarding this financial problems is that sometimes it's only in your mind.

00:54:43--> 00:54:57

So many, many people they overwhelm themselves with loans with a lot of debts. And they keep calculating everything every month and they get really paranoid said oh my god, I'm gonna stay in this hole until you know forever and they think that they're going to keep going into this.

00:54:58--> 00:54:59

Basically

00:55:00--> 00:55:15

Rat Race, and they will never come out of it. Well, again, first of all, get out of that circle that hole and start looking from inside from from outside. And one of the first rules of Annie Hall, the first rule of any hole is, stop digging.

00:55:17--> 00:55:59

If you know that you're in this hole, stop digging, which means don't get just get out of your, your ways of spending that keeps going putting you into this problem. So if you had past that, don't try to increase these debts, as much as possible, figure out a way to get out of these debts you shall as soon as possible quick as possible. The other thing you need to sit seriously to go and calculate all these things, all these now debts and problems that we that you have, and thought to sort your priorities, which is this need to be finalized first? And how you can do that as quick as possible make a plan and shallot are part of this part of the plans which I believe Allah, Allah, I'm coming

00:55:59--> 00:56:05

from the Quran. But the plans of removing yourself ridding yourself of most of these debts is that you get married.

00:56:07--> 00:56:14

I know it seems to be paradox, because you say how can we get married, I'm going to get in extra debts. While it depends on who you're going to be married to.

00:56:15--> 00:56:50

If you're going to marry someone whose parents will demand 1000s and 1000s millions of dollars, that's one thing. But if you're looking for the worker, and for the sitter, that's the last panel without to protect you and protect her and just bring both your hearts into a shell for this tranquility and peace. It will be very easy in shallow water Kotara. So marriage Allah subhanaw promised you a akufo Cora, you're gonna come along further, they were poor, a loss of power will provide from them from his bounties. So Allah will provide for you. Besides when you get married, we assume people when they get married, they arrive at a specific level of maturity,

00:56:51--> 00:57:24

at least financial maturity is now they know that they have their responsibility besides their personal spendings, which would help them and shout louder, or cut down on some of these personal spendings in order to save. But if you can just keep going on waiting until you become ready to get married, you will never get we never be ready, because you can always stay on that way. So again, sometimes it's in your mind, get yourself out of that, start making a calculation, the best way inshallah and see how we reduce all these expenses, and then make marriage as one of your ways of getting out of this.

00:57:28--> 00:57:49

If you have made mistakes in your past, but you have sincerely repented, and are making sure that you are not repeating these mistakes anymore, then is it? Is it necessary to inform your potential spouse about these mistakes? Can you hide these mistakes will last panel that hide these mistakes for you. As for the last panel, without that I'll leave it for the last origin.

00:57:50--> 00:58:29

Because the last panel Matata as a professor sort of mentioned on the day of judgment when Allah azza wa jal brings the believer to the account and start to admit, basically expose the records for them. And if they were really sincere about what they did, and if there is sincere repentance, the profits or loss I'm set on a socket setter to Hanukkah for dunya polyoma for Allah Kabbalah. And I kept I hid these from the people means I just kept them of course hidden for you in the dunya. And now I forgive you for these mistakes. So Allah subhana wa, tada might indeed, hide these mistakes from from the people. It's between you and Allah subhanho wa Taala. Besides, we all know, we all

00:58:29--> 00:59:03

have our own mistakes or blemishes, how many mistakes we have done in our life, and we know for sure that lots of times is hiding them. And we're always afraid and terrified that people will know about, that's very natural. But just keep asking Allah subhanho wa Taala to keep this between you and him. As now, are you obligated to reveal these mistakes? Well, if you say that you repented, and you you nobody knows about these things, or at least from the investor circle where you are right now, no one knows about these issues. It's only between analyst panel data. You don't have to expose yourself.

00:59:04--> 00:59:07

You don't have to go and tell her Listen, by the way, you know, I was just

00:59:08--> 00:59:33

childish, and they have done all these things and start counting all this power since you don't have to do that. And if they ask you about your past, or they didn't have that glorious past, but ask the last part of Forgive me. That's all I can say. And they insist on you to say listen, did you commit adultery? Did you commit fornication, though? This is between me and the last panel that I don't have even if I did that, I don't have to tell you. So you don't have to expose yourself regarding these issues.

00:59:34--> 00:59:51

But if the person is not really sincere, and not serious about repentance, and you could you could tell that there are signs of some kind of flip flopping between these sins and going back again to repentance and so on. In this case, it's you have the right to question that person.

00:59:53--> 00:59:59

Okay, question. How is our oma going to have a future in order to

01:00:00--> 01:00:08

Serve Allah. If the sisters cannot get married, if they are pursuing higher education.

01:00:10--> 01:00:13

How will we make tomorrow's leaders?

01:00:15--> 01:00:17

Men, ask yourself, ask me

01:00:19--> 01:00:57

if the sisters are visiting, you know, their education, and the gods are waiting for them to finish, they're getting all sorts of they get involved. No one's getting married eventually. So you know what, that's it, it's too late for me. Some says they decide not to marry at all. Some guy decide to marry from overseas, because it's going to be a big headache to marry someone who's overqualified for them. So you can always have this problem. And what I'm saying here is that it is okay you can you can pursue education as high as you wish. But if you want like to get married, this is the point. If you're going to get married, you're going to have to play it, by its rules, means the

01:00:57--> 01:01:36

rules of marriage. And you cannot manipulate these rules, Allah subhanaw taala set rules for marriage. Who's responsible for this? Who responsible for that there are certain things we call them rights and obligations, men, they have rights in the house, and they have obligations against them, women, they have rights for them, and also obligations against them. If you maintain rights and obligation and shall Allah subhana wa will, indeed provide the peace and tranquility promise you. But if you start now jumping on these rights and obligations, abusing the rights and obligations of the other spouse, that will recreate this kind of instability in the social, social network, and

01:01:36--> 01:01:43

therefore you see many people start fighting again over issues. They consider that their own rights and obligation of the other party.

01:01:51--> 01:01:52

If a non Muslim,

01:01:54--> 01:02:06

or non Muslim sister would like to accept Islam, and marry a Muslim brother, is it wrong for her to hide this from the parents from her parents, she is worried that they would be heartbroken, please advise.

01:02:07--> 01:02:39

Well, first of all, the issue of becoming a Muslim is indeed an obligation that every every Muslim in every instant, every human being, should really take the chance to explore this faith sincerely. And this is the message of Islam. It's universal message all people are obligated to make an effort to learn about Islam. And Allah subhanho wa Taala opened their hearts and open their mind for guidance. Now the issue of becoming a Muslim, that's one thing and the issue of getting ready to that person is another thing and the issue of the parents right now comes in the middle. So becoming a Muslim by itself, I'm sure that it's not going to be an easy decision you make

01:02:40--> 01:02:58

for your parents, so you have to educate them about this issue. If, if they if they don't accept that just natural, of course for parents specific if they are adherent to their faith, and you don't want like we don't want to have their kids you know, go out to the fault of their religion. And this case, if they decide of course you know, or they don't accept your

01:02:59--> 01:03:04

acceptance of Islam. That's one of the tests and the trials Allah subhana wa tada subject on YouTube

01:03:05--> 01:03:43

to see the sincerity of your email if your faith so mela soprano that'll help you milada confirm your heart and on imagine Islam. Now the issue of marriage might be the second chance which is probably shallow, that'd be helpful to you to confirm your deal. It doesn't mean that you cut your ties with your parents. We don't say that we are obligated to be kind to our parents regardless of their faith. Allah subhanho wa Taala commanded us but being so kind to our parents, also who Macedonia Moldova, and even if they can, even if they try to persuade it to commit shirt, which means the associate partners with Allah subhanho wa Taala, Fela Tarahumara don't obey them in that

01:03:43--> 01:03:57

was I have whom I've done Mr. Rocha and maintain a good and kind companionship with them. So regardless of the of the religion, you need to maintain a good companionship with them. But still, you need also to accept this as a test coming from Allah subhanho wa Taala for you.

01:04:05--> 01:04:08

If a prospective spouse family is low, class or poor,

01:04:10--> 01:04:12

now the perception of course of the question.

01:04:13--> 01:04:50

Is that a valid excuse for the Colonel's to reject? Well, the issue, the issue of class and social status and so on is one of these categories of compatibility in Islamic law. Remember, we said earlier, that there are two qualities that they all agree on. So there is unanimous agreement on these three qualities that's faith and good manners, anything else comes next. And ultimately, they argue about it not all of them are all Muslim scholars agree on these other qualities for compatibility. One of these issues is the issue of class and the issue of social status. Some would say you know, those who have the same class should learn from each other, a man from an upper class

01:04:50--> 01:04:59

family from a lower class, but the opposite is a little bit difficult. Why because now the issue of social status right now is subject to the in the in the patriarchal system today.

01:05:00--> 01:05:41

A family of the man. And the woman, basically, if she married someone from a lower class, she's been bringing shame to social network and family and so on. All these, as I said, just issues discussed in books are not necessarily agreed upon by all Muslim scholars. Is it a valid reason for her family, for family to reject the person? It depends on the circumstances? I can't really judge this because according to the question, it says low class or poor, I don't know, what's the meaning of that? And how rich or high class the questioner? So depends on the circumstances. But sometimes it is a legitimate if there is a great deal of, I would say difference, great difference between both

01:05:41--> 01:05:42

contracting parties.

01:05:45--> 01:06:13

What if she wants to meet him anyway, she has the full right to say yes. And she has the full right to try to enforce that if you want. But I do not recommend that. Because eventually, you're going to need someday you're going to need the support of your family. Because this is not about you and him. It's about all this all the social network in the society, two families representing two different property cultures, two different even communities will establish a stronger, bigger communities as well.

01:06:18--> 01:06:21

If you're looking for a wife, what do you do?

01:06:35--> 01:06:37

So the question goes on.

01:06:43--> 01:06:47

The question goes, do you look for somebody you love and beautiful?

01:06:48--> 01:06:57

Okay, for the first part, if you're looking for a wife, what do you do first, so before you start looking for a wife, make sure that you're ready for that. And if you're still too young for this suella to ask the question,

01:06:59--> 01:07:37

but inshallah, that if you're of that age means you're ready to go and and start looking for, for a spouse, when Allah Allah, may Allah make it easy for you in this society. And that traditional was a traditional unconventional ways of doing it. Because usually through the women's social network, which means the mother, the sister, relatives, they go, and they look, and they ask if they have a larger social network, which makes it easier for them, if not, like in our society over here, because we don't know probably people, a lot of people from the same family, maybe in that area. So they're going to have to go through what is available in their communities. And usually the massage

01:07:37--> 01:07:47

is a good chance for people to go and look for Islamic conferences, martial law gathering like these, I'm sure that many brothers and sisters they have in their mind, you know, the idea of maybe whenever.

01:07:48--> 01:08:09

And I know a lot of other ladies, they approach these young girls during these occasions. So they come and they just you know, one dissenter says, Are you married? You know, I have a nice son Marshall. He's an MD. He's a doctor is this is that? So they tried to propose it either way on the spot? If they can do it. That's, that's a good, that's a good way. But if not,

01:08:10--> 01:08:25

I still say that we lack really enough halaal venues for matrimonial services. And I encourage that every single community to all card and helping their youth. I don't want our kids to be outsourced to other communities.

01:08:26--> 01:08:51

What's going reality right now, most of our most of actually, the youth is going through the process of outsourcing right now. So they got a microphone from another community here near Zambia, hundreds of young men and young women. But you see, most of these young men and women they go and they marry from outside New, they go to Chicago, for example, Atlanta, they go to California and so on Why? For some reasons, harlots greener on the other side.

01:08:53--> 01:09:30

And you see that people from California, they also come to New York. And they want a microphone here. So why because it seems that the young men and women over here being so exposed to the culture of their own fellow brothers and sisters here, they don't really feel comfortable engaging from their own community, I don't recommend that. I would say try to find this social satisfaction within your community. And one thing I would like to warn the brothers and the families from, in the process of getting married, you see many young men what they do because of the high demands and expectations of Muslim families, they just quit the idea of money for Muslim family, and they go and

01:09:30--> 01:09:55

they marry a non Muslim woman, which is hella who she was a Christian or a Jew, it is okay. There's no problem with that. islamically. But remember, for everybody who marries Most Christian or a Jew, or even for every brother, every man who marries from outside his community, and for every brother who's married from outside the country, is there is one sister left behind you.

01:09:56--> 01:10:00

Why is that? Because men have deliberately broken

01:10:00--> 01:10:05

Later, second, third, fourth, women, they only marry Muslim.

01:10:06--> 01:10:09

So therefore, you need to also consider this also the underlying ground.

01:10:13--> 01:10:51

And what you should be looking for. I mean should you should attend the love notes of love, we gave a whole seminar on this issue. But the first the most important Professor Lawson said, don't go home on Alibaba, a woman is married for four qualities. The professor lesson says you should be married for a beauty for her lineage for her wealth offer her deal. And then he said fought for without the internet. But yeah, that means look for the one who's religious will be blessed. If you can find all these qualities in one person and handle all of it. If not, then you need to even have to do some kind of compromise. But if you're going to compromise any quality, don't you ever compromise the

01:10:51--> 01:10:53

issue of Deen and

01:10:54--> 01:11:05

religion and mannerism. And there's a difference between them and US law. being religious does not guarantee that the person man or woman will be Mashallah very pious and well mannered.

01:11:07--> 01:11:10

Because in some cultures you know, being religious means being more rigid.

01:11:11--> 01:11:16

The more rigid You are the moral of this you're that's how they, how they perceive that and that's wrong.

01:11:17--> 01:11:34

piety and righteousness is all in what Allah subhanaw taala commands and one of the prohibitions in the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu wasallam. So it's not about being rigid. prevent yourself from so many of the halal things, no, practice the halaal do the do the commands and avoid harm and you will be the most righteous person.

01:11:37--> 01:11:48

How can a man or a woman learn about the personality of the other party? If he does not ever talk to her asking family and friends about a person's character can only

01:11:52--> 01:11:54

something is missing can only

01:11:55--> 01:12:22

anyway, how will I know if she's the right person? For me? Well, I've had a lot of I mean, even if you first of all, you will need to reduce yourself to the family and the family they accept the initial proposal, then you will have this betrothal time, the betrothal period, you can come together under the supervision of a Muharram. You can talk as much as you want, as long as you want, you can explore areas of family life and future as much as you want. So basically have the time

01:12:23--> 01:12:58

for you to discuss so many issues directly. You see him, you see her and you sit together, again supervised, discusses so many things that does not have to sit in the middle between you and sticking his nose, you know, between your faces should be no sightseeing. During that conversation. The answer is no. They can be sitting there that same row, for example, at least they can observe the session from from a distance. So you can talk freely, if you will, as long as there is no supervision right now from patterns of supervision, then it's okay to do so. After that, of course, you can make your decisions.

01:13:01--> 01:13:20

If anyone might have heard from a different culture, what kind of problem we'll create in future, a lot of it depends on the approach of their course marriages. Because I know only when you have two cultures coming together and married in a marriage, we very hard and difficult sometimes to communicate it will be a

01:13:22--> 01:14:01

lot of basically specifically between the two families means her parents and his they might misunderstand miscommunicate a lot of things. And even sometimes the slightest thing can can create the problem. Even the spices in the food can make a big problem. This is too spicy. This is too blunt. So how do you cook the food? Sometimes it creates problem with that. Oh, that kind? So I would say it depends on the two parties and their cultures where it's exactly coming from. There might be some kind of issues and they might be handled have made a lot of harmony among these communities. The thing is, it depends on how much integrate these cultures in the actual community

01:14:01--> 01:14:44

itself. So in your care, for instance, I don't know how much you got to integrate into the different cultures. Which means do you have let's say that the Arab culture, the African culture, the local culture, the overseas cause all together integrated in one melting pot? Or do you have this unofficial segregate culture of segregation in the community? It depends. I visited some communities, specifically smaller communities, in order for them to survive. They had to go and break all these cultural barriers. So there isn't much difference and it's easier for them to have interracial marriages. But in larger cities, where you have this unofficial cultural segregation, it

01:14:44--> 01:14:49

becomes harder and harder for them to to marry from from outside the culture.

01:14:54--> 01:14:59

What is the proper halal way for a woman to approach a man for marriage

01:15:02--> 01:15:16

First of all, if she's interested in a person, I will suggest to go around some of her closest friends that she can trust. Who can have an access, let's say to information about this person if he's available or not? And if What if he was married already?

01:15:17--> 01:15:57

What if he was engaged, she don't want to go and of course that go on to the wrong infringing on the wrong domain, basically. So therefore, you have to make sure that the person is free. In this case, after you after you know that he is, let's say, free, you can send them a solid proposal again, third party. And if the person shows interest, you can pursue that if you will. And of course by asking him to go and propose directly to the to the worry. And if he's not interested, it's over. At least that would save you all the troubles, of course, and the pain, at least minimize that pain. Can she go directly to propose to someone? Can a woman come under the proposal? Brother says,

01:15:57--> 01:16:04

Brother, you know what? I'm not sure I see that you're such a nice, righteous person a good man. And I would like to propose to you.

01:16:06--> 01:16:11

Have you guys ever received something like this before? Or are you just dreaming about it now?

01:16:13--> 01:16:24

even said bokhara, Mo Mo la de la Cava is established a whole chapter on this issue. It is permissible for a woman to propose directly to a righteous man.

01:16:25--> 01:16:29

She's allowed to do that. And he brought it Anasazi allowed Alon

01:16:30--> 01:16:42

mentioned a woman who came to the profits of a lot of salon proposing to him a woman came proposing to the profits of the Law Center. So the profits or the loss and he looked at her and then feel shy kind of felt actually not as the head down, which means

01:16:44--> 01:16:45

what does that mean?

01:16:46--> 01:16:58

It means no, he just he didn't want to continue looking because he has no interest. So it says no, which means it's basically no, the woman she kind of felt, you know, frustrated or maybe didn't know what to do. So just sat down.

01:17:01--> 01:17:08

A man was sitting next to Professor Lawson says jasola elimelech kobika hajah. Which means if you have no interest in her, can I marry her?

01:17:14--> 01:17:50

Now the profits turned to her but because it's her issue, and she's the woman, she didn't mind it. So he said, Okay, do you have anything to offer her like $1 a month, I wouldn't get it says I don't have anything right now. So go and check for anything. So he went and he looked he couldn't find and it came back again. So gerasa couldn't find anything. So the Prophet said Go ahead, go and look for anything, even if it was just an iron ring, which means something insignificant and material value just go off or anything. The guy was so poor that he went back again, look for everything, didn't find anything. They said, Allah Allah and Nicola had I have nothing except for this and he pointed

01:17:50--> 01:17:54

his loincloth that wraps his westward and the prophet SAW Sam said what are you gonna do with this?

01:17:56--> 01:17:58

If she takes it you're gonna be walking around naked.

01:18:01--> 01:18:21

So the man himself also felt kind of frustrated they didn't have any they sat down kind of sad as well. Then the Prophet said, Okay, fine. Do you have anything of the Quran with you means the memorize anything of the Quran? He says, I know sort of, sort of closer together. I know these these few suitors. He said, Okay, so let's look at the maka. Koran means you marry her with the Quran that you have.

01:18:22--> 01:18:29

Without her mama used to teach her the Quran, Andrea and Allah but probably they maybe they lived happily ever after.

01:18:31--> 01:19:14

The point is accorded this hadith Eman Buhari said it is permissible for a woman to directly proposal man, it's okay to do that. Of course, that depends on the culture as well. Then our sherea one of the five Maxim's governing Islamic law is a very important maximum governance dynamic local law the Mahatma which means custom rules, when there is no specific law in the form the Quran or the Sunnah to explain interpret something, then we go back, we shall go back, we find actually show the end the other which means the customer. If the customer does not contradict the laws of Sharia, it should be accepted in in some of the areas regarding the enactment of law. And in this case, if if

01:19:14--> 01:19:46

you're the customer, let's it's okay for a woman to go straight forward to prospect, man, that's fine. But in some other cultures, a woman does that it's kind of you know, offensive to them. So don't even try it. It depends. And I know a friend of mine actually mentioned that story last night actually, the night before that. A friend of mine who was Marshall is very nice person. And he was taking the time to take his glasses from the board and the university was studying Sharia even and all of a sudden, here's a female Muslim from the side saying Salaam Alaikum. And he was really concerned and

01:19:48--> 01:19:59

then she goes, can I talk to you for a moment? And then he just looked and found a sister Wouldn't it up? And she was looking at him and he was looking around there was nobody else but him. So he goes me

01:20:01--> 01:20:11

She says, Yeah, you can I talk to you. He says, Yeah, how can I help you? She said, Well, listen whether they want you to be offended. But listen, I have been a martial arts review for this past semester.

01:20:12--> 01:20:23

And I heard some of the things about you, you seem to be very nice and gentle person. I'd like a man who's martial law, very generous, very religious, bla bla bla bla blah. And then she goes, I would like to prefer to follow the sun that proposed to you.

01:20:25--> 01:20:26

The guy ran away.

01:20:33--> 01:20:47

He felt so shy. He didn't know what to do. He was so shocked. I don't know man is Marshall is so sweet. He's so sweet. He's so shy. And then he just didn't know what to do. So we just run away.

01:20:49--> 01:20:52

But the lady she kept going after him later of course not.

01:20:54--> 01:21:12

Not that says she didn't go after him, by the way, but she she went and she sent out other messages to him when she sent out, you know, people to talk on her behalf and so on. Eventually, the man kept saying no, no, no. I don't know I don't want to go through the details of his life and why and so on. But eventually he didn't matter.

01:21:14--> 01:21:14

See?

01:21:16--> 01:21:32

So not all love stories end with the same clause happily ever after. And that all love as you see is Pamela In exchange, reciprocal from both sides, maybe from one side and there's nothing from the other side. So alongside it might be a test for some people.

01:21:33--> 01:21:35

That's it. Okay. Fair enough. shall

01:21:38--> 01:21:42

follow that Adams akmola Chronicle of Higher Education and learn stuff.