Channel: Yahya Ibrahim
Assalamualaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh it's your brother you have Rahim, I'm honored to share with you a few thoughts on, you know, relationships and the effect that can be had on them with a lack of self esteem and self compassion, self love. These are really important concepts that I think are at times not self intuitive. They're not things that we're taught, as young people, some kind of law. And it's not something that as Muslims, I can, I can say that within our culture, that it's taught to us unless we're actually privileged to have had mentors and teachers and intuitive parents, who have actually cultured us cultured within us a desire of empowerment, of attention to
detail, and of self preservation and self protection. So usually, what we find is that in a lot of our cultural backgrounds, we find that there's a lot of parents who want to do things for us. And one of the things that I always say that a times one of the bigger problems for marriages is that a sister marry someone who all of a sudden she discovers is a mama's boy, what do I mean by that all of us, we love our mothers and come to love women. But some of us we've been ruined by our mothers culturally ruined by mothers, our mother fussed over us cooked for us clean for us laundered for us did our bed cleaned up after us. And even as young people, you know, your mom would say, Go clean
your room, you didn't clean clean your room, you went to school, you came back, it was clean for you. And that all reinforced this fact that somebody was going to do it for you. And you were never really taught to kind of have to do things on your own. But more worryingly is that some of our parents, they took it upon themselves to be our advocates, and to speak about everything. So I was reading this study where it said, you know, some of the children that are more likely to succeed in life and hold managerial and leadership positions, are those whose parents allowed them to represent themselves. So examples of that, for example, you went to the doctor, you're eight years old, and
the doctor says, Okay, so what's wrong? And your mom immediately interjects or your daddy mean, Leandra? Well, Doctor, you know, this child letter that or that or that, and he didn't get to say anything you didn't say about what you felt where the pain was? And even when the doctor says, okay, Where does it hurt your mom points? She goes, it's right here, right? And you know, Subhanallah, that's a huge disadvantage for a lot of the future interactions that you will have later on in life, because you always expect that people will just know somebody who's going to talk about it, somebody, how come they don't know, and especially for our sisters, you know, so just like, you
don't want to marry the mama's boy, you don't want to beat find yourself involved in a relationship with somebody who's lost their voice, they've never learned to speak on their own, to describe in their own. So what's wrong?
Why don't you know, shouldn't you know, somebody should have told you somehow you should know. And those kind of things are really deep rooted in deep seated. So let's undo some of that. And we want to undo it with the sooner now I know there's behavioral therapy, and all these other things that you're going to hear from our wonderful, wonderful team and contributors. But I want to talk to you about the sin of the prophets and the prophets. I said them he says in the authentic hadith.
Now, you may know how to come You can't truly believe until you love for other people what you had that you hate Bodie, if he may have been an MC, which means that the premise of giving to others, loving for others, sharing for others, hoping for others, you know, assisting others comes also from a very important, self centered perspective, that I know what I would want you to do for me, so I'm willing to do it for you, that I know how I want you to speak to me. So that's why I speak to you in that way. I know what I'm expecting of you. So this is and this is what would empower me and make me feel good and give me what I want in life. So that's why I'm going to represent it and give it to
you in that same sense. And therefore you love for others, the things that first you've identified, learn for yourself, that these are things that are important for me, and that becomes a very, very important battle ground within your own soul. You know, most of us we kind of tried to look at a relationship from the eyes of the other. You know, my husband, my wife, she's she said this, she did that she didn't say this. She didn't do that. They didn't do this. They they weren't attentive, they weren't. And we kind of forget way Hold on a second, well, what am I obligated for? What is it that I must do for myself? And therefore self esteem becomes a really very, very important first step.
What do you value about yourself? And how do you project that to others? And what are the things that are valuable in you that you've overlooked that other people see in you but because you haven't valued them? They take it for granted because guess what you taught them to take it for granted. You have overlooked it. You haven't given any emphasis any import any any any any question?
sequence to it. So why would anybody else put it on a degree of importance when you yourself have backed away from it you yourself have not prioritized it. And that becomes an important psychological, spiritually psychological first step to love for yourself. So panela to love yourself. And notice when the prophets I send them he says, You will not truly believe until I am more loved to you than you love your own soul than your love your own self. So Pamela because we always hear the thing Oh, you shouldn't be self centered. You shouldn't you know, you should always put yourself last. That's not true. That is not true. Subhana love Allah He it is not true. If the
prophets I send him put himself last Why does a lot put him first? Why does the law say to him so the law it was Solomon sort of a Zoomer called in the mirror to an akuna mirror to be an akuna al Williams I mean, I've been the first to show that I'm a submitter. I'm the most who is going to worship Allah subhanaw taala I'm the most who's going to pick up a shield and sword and defend the truth. He never stood at the back, he never stood at the end, he was always in the front. Why? Because doing is more important than just simply feeling. It's not it's more important than just simply thinking you got to walk holy Malou get into action. And therefore self esteem is predicated
on you valuing for yourself, itemizing for yourself, a place within your home, a place within your family plays within your community, a place within your culture, place within your workplace, a place within your educational institute, a place within your friends that I know what I'm worth, I know what is important to me, I know what I am worthy of, and when it is not met, when it is not provided maliciously, I'm talking maliciously, sometimes it's unintentional, but maliciously that somebody knows my value, and they dishonor me with that I will not accept it. Allah subhanaw taala doesn't accept it for me, for our children who get up and leave. I'm not going to accept it. It
doesn't mean I'm going to respond with hostility with anger with vulgarity or demand what is in my right but I will not accept I will not accept to be demeaned. And once you have that assertive persona, once your self esteem is guaranteed from a theological from in your heart relationship with Allah, Allah says, Well, I've come to run navety Adam, I have made tech cream, honor nobility of the children of Adam. Well, I'm and now I'm the one that carries them on land in the sea, nobody else carries you. Nobody else owns you. The rule number one is you are a slave but to who to Allah,
not to yourself. It's not self centeredness out of vanity out of self pride, it is self centeredness, in balance and in harmony with the towhid of Allah that Allah the holder, whatever, I have no ability to move return except that which has been provided. But when I do have that ability and movement, I move in what in the light and the guidance that Allah has sent an intended for me. So self esteem becomes a really, really important place to begin. And it's something that you need to begin to cultivate for yourself in your home and your wife and your children, your husband, your family. And it's something you should be very intuitive in. So when, you know your teacher calls in,
the teacher calls you in for a meeting for your children. And she says, look, we need to speak about, you know, admins work, and the teacher, you know, some some of us as parents, we don't want our child to be there, you know, I want to speak freely. I you know, I don't want to be traumatized. But hold on a second, the teacher is going to give you a report and it's important to verify it yes or no and to provide context and to hear from your son in the presence of their teacher and allow them to have a voice and your teacher is going to say certain things if you don't feel it right, let her know let him know. Speak up. And my job is to I will support you I will not let you down and
some kind of law this was something that my father My mother and to handle on my teachers were incredible at and you know, yesterday, before sunset I received a lot he will lie he will lie he devastating news to my heart that one of my most beloved and main teachers who I studied the deen with, who wrote me a letter in way back in the year 14 1400, which is 1992 I was 1516 years old. And this is when I first met a Sherif Ali Hassan Ali Abdel Hamid Al halabi, Rama to La La will have you will have Alana hatanaka who may Allah protect us until we see him when alcohol held the religion that the reason the law that we get to drink from the house of the prophets is element and meet him
in gender culture, those with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, what are honorable men and one of the things that he taught me most panela me
Cuz we live through, you know, the early 90s and the late 90s were an incredible time, there was so much fitna in the Muslim world with, you know, with the Iraq War, the first Iraq war and second era, all this kind of stuff that was happening. And all of these fit and that were happening in the Gulf region. And, you know, it was it was such an incredible time. And I remember, you know, there was this one occasion, where, you know, I was a young guy, some kind of law, and I was, as much as I looked up to the chef, the chef would foster that care for me. And he would say to the brothers fly him out, I want only yet to be my translator, I'd be his translator in London, all over different
parts of the world. And I was like, 1617 years old, 18 years old, that's where I first began to taste, the thirst of knowledge. That's what allows me some kind of love to stand in front of you here today. 28 years later, he was the first one to write me a letter to say, allow the student to learn and benefit and 10 year classes and so on to other higher scholars and teachers that I wanted to sit and meet. And one of the most profound lessons I ever learned from the show, I can tell you about, you know, he wrote 150 books, I could tell you that he was a master researcher, I could tell you of the hundreds and 1000s of hours of lectures that he gave, I can tell you that I've translated
at least, maybe what, close two to 300 hours of just books and tapes within, you know, verbatim just lecturing along with them and translating with them. Just just myself, I could tell you 10s of 1000s of hours of, you know, books of how to lie, he was in the top secret of the hole and and he was through 280 sessions. And he was just I think grounding sort of fell out off. Right, you know, a phenomenal, phenomenal contributor and I one of the chief students of a chef and alvanley Rahmatullah Holly.
But one of the most profound lessons wasn't anything in the books, was it any Hadeeth, or any any jobs that I received from him? It was the simple fact. Don't let someone say something to you, or to others about you and leave it unchallenged, at least go on the record and say, true or not true. Don't, you know, a summed, he, you know, in, in our faith, to be quiet after hearing what was said is a sign that you've accepted it, right? It's important, you know, it's important for you to at times challenging, even if it's just with disapproval, and say, This is something that I need to speak with you about later, or I don't agree with this. And I'm not going to voice it now. But don't
leave it unchallenged. And so Pamela, when things happened in my life, where I had people write something not true. I always learned that lesson from to be polite, but to hold yourself to take, take your self esteem into account, take your reputation into account, and don't just ignore it. And that's why Allah says in that cafe, Nicholas dazeem, to the professor, I send them the Prophet didn't just back away a lot would defend him that they are careful not to fudge or they are the ones who have disbelieved. They are the ones who are deniers of true they are the Allah would defend the prophets, I seller, but it always went challenged, it always went down. And in life, even with your
family, sometimes conflict is important sometimes to hold it in and just say, Oh, I'm just going to ignore it is not going to be healthy in the long term. And in the long run. The second part after self esteem is self compassion. To feel for yourself pain, is to know that you're alive to feel when it hurts to feel when something was not right, is something that will give you greater happiness as you move forward in life. Do not assume that the pain will go away. If you don't do anything about it, you must act and you must move towards that which will give you happiness, clarity, satisfaction, ease and comfort. And before you can give mercy to others, you must give mercy to
yourself. And before you give mercy to those who live with you expecting the mercy of Allah, you must learn to forgive yourself. So candlelight, you said something that you shouldn't have said to your wife. You made a mistake, and you've apologized for it and you've apologized to her for but have you apologized to yourself? Have you dusted yourself often gotten up and said that Aloma chef and when the hell no enough with a levy law and may do and meets a lot to tell but what's the purpose of salata Tov is just not asking a lot. It's demonstrating to yourself that I've turned the corner I've turned the page, I've wiped away my scenes, that the Prophet tells us that when you make
will do as the water comes, you know so panela as the water comes off your your wrist your hands, even from underneath your fingernails, the prophets, I seldom said your sins, draw from it from your eyelashes and the hadith of Buddha would hasn't had Eve from your hair, the beads of water, they fall off it from your beard. Why do we have this as a theology and a teaching in Islam so that you don't beat yourself down? You don't hold yourself to contempt. You don't you know, keep Reek.
You know, reliving the pain of it, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he was masterful in this in allowing people a simple token and gesture to change a massive sin that they have done. prophets I seldom would say to a man who came to Mrs. merrigan, though so here he said, O Messenger of Allah, I was cavorting with a woman I was kissing a woman she's not my wife. And the man you know, the prophet said to make a good will do and pray Adam to Salima, didn't you just pray with him? He said, Yes. He said, Allah would like if you may tell it to a lot and you were sincere, and you prayed this Sadat asking a lot for a lot for giving you you don't need my blessing. You don't
need anyone else. You just need to be sincere between you and Allah, having self compassion, have mercy for yourself. Having mercy for your family, begins with being able to forgive yourself, being able to look yourself in the mirror, recognize the faults, do the best you can to fix them and keep getting up after you fall. And that's why Allah subhanaw taala gives us so much hope in the Quran. He says you've been through law who say yeah, Tim has said that and sort of around Allah changes their evil deeds into good deeds converts your sins into good deeds. Men tab Oh am no I'm gonna follow the one who repents and believes and does righteous deeds in its place, tab mean stops and
regrets and renews their faith and commitment that I won't do this again. Well, I mean, asylee had pledges it through do good deeds that are different to the bad deeds that they did. helaas a lot changes a lot removes it a lot changes the balance and gives you better than what you see. And I pray that Allah subhana wa tada opens my heart and your heart, to forgiving ourselves, to learning to have compassion for each other, to learning to have love for Allah and the student of the prophets. I send them to empower our children with the psychology of redemption and psychology of repentance. It's important that you learn to confront yourself, to learn to control yourself, and to
learn to give from yourself and sacrifice of yourself. That's the three essential steps to becoming a person who can redeem themselves, confront yourself know what you did is wrong. Don't don't don't make excuses, unconditionally. No excuses. I've confronted myself I've taken a count of myself taking stock of myself, I know when I'm wrong, and I'm wrong is now and I'm going to make a change number to practice self control build that eroded that strength where you push back and say, No, I'm not going to pull parry through that. I'm going to stop watching this I'm going to not be in that company. I'm not going to buy yourself or trade or do the things that I know aren't wrong. And
number three sacrifice How do you make it up is that you help others you move towards fulfilling other people's needs other people's assistance in your life and I pray that Allah subhanaw taala lights my way and your way and assists us to that regard. Well suddenly left Mozilla Mozilla galaxy Now have you been known Amina Mohammed sallallahu alayhi wa daily was sending him to Sleeman kathira was Solomonic multiply what I got