Conflict Resolution Strategies

Yahya Ibrahim

Channel: Yahya Ibrahim

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bashment ally Obamacare to Al hamdu Lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah salam O Allah Allah who either early he was happy he was settled into Sleeman kathira Allahumma salli wa sallim wa barik ala Sayidina v now Mohammed Impaler Walid was Oliver selama barik ala Sayyidina Muhammad in Philadelphia in Amman masala Selim as it to abetik and sad now Mohammed Imperium Allah Allah Allah, Allah hamara haneen We ask Allah Subhana Allah to Allah to always bless us with the practice of the tradition and the student of our NaVi Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that Allah subhanho wa Taala opens our hearts to each other in these difficult times, that Allah Subhana Allah protects us

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from all harm that which we're aware of and that which we don't yet anticipate coming. And I want in sha Allah today, you know, the theme of this virtual Juma and of course, we said last week that the concept of a virtual Juma is a virtual gathering. Obviously, you will still pray your prayer in love. This is in total within Juma, but it's a virtual assembly of us. And it's one of the reasons that I've made it at an odd hour for us here in Perth, and in this time zone, and for all of you in different parts. So the discussion that we have is, once again a plea for help help me How do I resolve conflict. So last week, we were held hostage now we want to improve on our situation. And we

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want to clarify,

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you know, some of the circumstances that lead to conflict. And sadly, for many of us, when we are grouped together, especially with family conflict ensues. So there's two important triggers and two important things that I want you to consider.

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First, most of the

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most of the wrongdoing that people do to each other is with those who they are overly familiar with, or those who they take for granted. I IE our family and the dearest and nearest to us. And it's no surprise to you and I that Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us in the Quran, yo may a federal model woman as he was me, he will be well sloppy, but he weapony liquid memory in all of these kinds of categories, you're going to run away from your brother, your father, your mother, your companion, you're going to run away from your wife, you're going to run away from your sons. And the reason for that on the Day of Judgment is that these are people who usually take for liberty, we we treat in a

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way that we wouldn't treat our superiors at work, we wouldn't even treat our friends. So you and I can understand that I might be able to speak to my brother in a way that I wouldn't speak to someone who's a friend. And I might ask my brother for certain things that I wouldn't have asked a friend for even if they were a dear friend of mine. And the way we treat people who are nearest and dearest to us is the thing that's going to hold us into account on the day of judgment in the hadith of Abu Salah, either hodari or the Allahu Akbar, which is near Eton, Bahati and Muslim.

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It is the Hadith of the Prophet, I sent him describing the chef that I the long Hadith of the Day of Judgment. And then in it, I was a little hungry and a section of it. There's this section and it's another rewire that I married to you here, where a person has crossed the sea a lot. So they've crossed over the narrow bridge that extends over jahannam. It's more narrow than a hair more finer than a sword. And he can leave it's got hooks that drag people into Hellfire for their inequity, you pass to heed Salah, so young zeca Hodge, everything is done. You've crossed over and you believe I've made it and you come to the point of assent to the hour off to the point of sending towards

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jedna and you're stopped the prophets I send them sent via t ime they'll contura you arrive to a place of the ark bridge. There's this little bridge that separates you. Jenna's near Hellfire is behind you, I've made it no

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aim to have arrived in my volume. It's at that place where you stand on that Ark bridge, where injustice is settled.

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That's where my wife, your wife, that's where my father My mother is going to ask me for the rights and obligations that I did not meet that should have been met. They're going to ask the people who are nearest and dearest to you for reparation and repayment for the things that were done of inequity on our part intentionally or mistakenly that need to be addressed and fixed.

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And there are three things that I wish insha Allah to confine our discussion over the next 15 minutes two

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that are critical mistakes that will manifest themselves for us on the Day of Judgment. The first is criticism that is unjustified. So Pamela

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Anytime you criticize someone, you're speaking about their character, and I want you to understand that. So anytime you have something bad to say about someone true or not in your perception, you're actually mistreating that individual and that's why issues that relate to LIBOR to speak the crooked a Huckabee may occur. What is Reba? It is to make mention of your brother's faults in a way they do not want for others to hear of them.

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That so how do they said yellow Sula, la salicylate, our in canopy akima upon what if what I said about my bredrin is true. What if What I said is the truth? I'm not lying, I'm not exaggerating, I'm not admitting what I said is the right is the truth. Allah in Canada fee for the step that if it is what you said, if it is, as you said it then that is Viva so just to make mention in a way that would hurt someone's feelings, even when truthful, outside their presence in a way that they would dislike is a major attribute of sinful behavior, that there is a listed punishment for it in the punishment of the grave. Adam Allahumma Jaco mandelic May Allah protect us all from that?

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criticism?

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Is not no see her criticism is to level an accusation at someone, even if you are justified in what you believe that accusation is, if it is not necessary to be leveled. And therefore what you see in the law and lifestyle of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that he separated between those who were sincere and advice at Dino naziha religion is based on sincerity and mutuality of advice to the righteous to assist each other what I want to

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assist one another to righteousness, whether Tao and Ethan Willard, one, and don't assist each other to sinful behavior, including in that unjustified and on Jen and disingenuous criticism. Number two, blaming and you might say, what's the difference between blaming and criticism? Well, criticism is something that is hard to receive, but it could be a truth. And it's something that if it's said in the right way, and the right means in front of the right company, is something that should be accepted. The difference between criticism and blaming is that blaming is leads to a level of defensiveness because it is an attack that is personal, on something that is of character substance.

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So there's a difference where a person is highlighting an issue and a person attacking character of the person at issue. And, you know, we have this famous incident in the life of the Prophet sallallahu, it was similar.

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were one of the Sahaba who was prone to drinking alcohol, even after the prohibition. So this will have he struggled with abstaining from drinking. And the prophets I send them one day saw, some of us will have that encircling him and abusing him and being rough with him on account that he was caught drinking 400 w Salalah. It was a limit that will let him be Leave him alone. Don't speak to him in this way. set him apart, leave him alone. I don't want you to mistreat him in this way. For in new ally Alamo and know who your HIPAA law sola. Because I swear to you by my Lord, that I know this man loves the line His messenger Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that that which you are

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able to criticize him for, which is that he is doing something that is wrong, you took it to the step of blaming, it now became about him rather than the action. And that's something that's really, really important for us to consider.

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And third, and finally, is stonewalling where you set up this the wall. So now it's not being the one giving but it's the one who is unwilling to receive and therefore just say somebody criticized you. Wrong. Let's just say somebody blamed you.

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It's wrong for what they did. But a part of your mind, a part of your soul, a part of your heart should resonate in hearing the truth, even if how they declared it was wrong. And although I'm ordered to speak the truth in a gentle way, if I said it in a rough way, it doesn't change the fact that it was the truth. Notice how Allah gives the command to move salaries center. And Allah says to Moses, who is of the most righteous of people to speak to his own, the most wretched and tyrannical of people thokku levu whole legend legend so when you speak to the both of you to him, address him with gentle meaning respectful words. It doesn't mean hide your criticism. It doesn't mean hold

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them. Don't hold

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To account, it means put it in a respectful way. speak in front of the right people choose the right time. Don't speak with an audacious persona. Could you imagine if you were musalla speaks to you directly will lie you'd step forward to fit out and you'd be like, I'm gonna I'm gonna mess you up. Don't you know who I'm with? Don't you know who's backing me up? I have a lot of blazer. No, Colin Lena don't speak with an audacious arrogant style. Yeah, masa don't do what he's done. And therefore stonewalling fit I own.

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A law says two moves that speak to him gently why so that this concept of me putting up a stone wall in front of me to say, I'm not going to hear what you have to say, I'm not going to listen to it. Who How dare you? Who are you to tell me Well, what about you in your own life? Are you perfect is everything right with you? And that's that's not the attitude of a believer. And that attitude of a believer is one where they recognize within themselves shortcomings, and they have this statement of Abdullah excuse me of Mr. Abdul Aziz rock metal lyerly the great halifa of the of the whole effort where he would say, Rahim Allah whom are in edit in a UB, now was mercy descended upon one who has

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led me to recognize my faults, even if that person led me in the wrong way we shouldn't. But it doesn't mean that that criticism that blame was not something that we should give and pay attention to. So how do we release conflict? And how do we make sure that we are able to resolve conflict amongst our children amongst our families amongst our extended family in the month of Ramadan, I have leveled Lavalle neighbor to hate him Allah make its healer rise above us in higher May Allah removed from us and what that will build a mountain Allah remove from us illness and disease and hardship and trial Allahumma Ameen. The month of Ramadan is soon to arrive. And I will put in the

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comment section an article that I wrote, it's a two part piece called finding love and Ramadan. And it's not about finding love with a law alone. It's finding love in a law by asking for forgiveness from other people and making amends with other people. So when it comes to conflict resolution, I want you to know it is an art. It's not easy.

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And it requires discipline and requires foresaw and it requires for you and I to have humility between ourselves and Allah Subhana Allah to Allah, the main idea of conflict resolution is to be diplomatic. It is that both sides leave thinking that they have one. It's kind of like such a and that's what diplomacy is right? That everybody gets something that everybody at the end of the day does not feel that they've been oppressed or wrong. And lastly, Allah Allah, it's a constitution of a believer, I don't want more, and I don't want less. And I don't want to give you less when you deserve more than do in LA, I remember the alarm anywho This is his statement. He said, What did to

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an apology, Amina dunya. Leah, well, Allah, I wish that when I depart this worldly life, I don't owe and I'm not owed, I don't owe anyone and nobody owes me anything. So there's two types of problems that you and I face in our day. One problem is solvable in the day that we're in. And another problem is perpetual, it is a constant, they'll always be there. It's kind of like, it never will leave. It's a it's a regular thing in our life. So we have to learn how to deal with it as an issue. So the first problem is a solvable problem. It's a day to day problem. And it could be something that's, you know, I hate that my husband uses the phone when he's in the car, it's illegal,

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shouldn't be done. He's wrong to do it. It's clear cut. The law is with me. My husband knows it's wrong. People have died doing it, yet. He does it.

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It's a it's a solvable problem. The second type of power problem is perpetual. And most of the problems we have in our households are those kind of problems. You have one son older than your other son, both of them need to use the laptop or both of them want to play the PlayStation or and at the same time you can't you only have one. It's a perfect it's going to happen again, you're going to come to that place where there's going to be that conflict again, it's going to stay for the foreseeable future as a deeper issue. So each of these problems has a different mindset, a different way of approaching the solution. So I want you and I to switch on our problem solving

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mindsets, that when we approach either one of these two problems, that we have six essential characteristics that we agree on. The first characteristic is optimistic. Do I approach this problem believe it can be solved this way?

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Allah Subhana Allah says in the Quran,

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that to be a URI that Islam, if a husband and wife are estranged, they're in almost at the point of divorce. Allah says Ayurveda is law and if both of them wish to rectify and fix the problem, you were physically less of a noun Allah will bring itself to you. But if one of them doesn't, if both of them don't, it doesn't matter even if you were to have them maybe Mohammed Salalah alayhi wa sallam intervene between them, it will not be fixed. Example zeyneb Adi Allahu anhu was aid. They could not fix the problem, and they entered into divorce. Even though the messengers I sell them MC Kalika, Allah says that the Prophet Allah is quoted that Allah quotes are profiting, I asked you to

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keep holding on to your wife don't divorce yet. Let's try again, let's try to fix it. So the optimism it has to come from a mindset where both of them are committed to solving the problem, both sides. Number two, empathy. Empathy means seeking to understand before to be understood. I want to understand what their issue is before I want them to understand me if you come at a problem with that kind of law, if my wife Mashallah, I hope she listened to this, Elia, I'll

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just say we have a problem, if she waits, and in her mind, intends to understand my perspective. And I may Allah allow me to practice this out, it's difficult to ally, that I want to understand her perspective before, I want you to understand me and before she wants me to understand her, then we are in the mindset of problem solving, because we're communicating not to be heard, but to allow others to reach us, for us to hear them.

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Number three, there has to be commitment.

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The commitment has to be that there's a reason why we want to fix it, don't you? Don't you want to have greater harmony? Don't you want that this is a problem that goes away? Don't you want that I'm happy to sit in the car with you and not keep telling you? Why are you switching on your phone? Why are you touching it? Why are you messing with it? Don't you want to de stress this?

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Are you able to commit that this is something that we can fix. And commitment is necessary for any change prior to beginning it. If the commitment isn't there, it doesn't matter what strategies you use, it will be of no value. Number four, there has to be acceptance around a lot. We have to accept when we're wrong. And then this is

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an automobile, Allah, Allah humbleth era, we have to accept that we are wrong at certain times, and we have to accept that our spouse can be wrong, our children can be wrong, the people we're in conflict with can be wrong, but that we still love them and will tolerate them that we will accept them without being able to fix it. Some kind of law, if my wife tried to fix everything with me and she was capable, Mashallah, I'd be a different man. I'm a work in progress. 15 years nearly of marriage still a work in progress. It's a long road. She tells me a lot about a lot, you and I this is you have to accept the other individual as much as you're willing to accept your own faults. And

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as much as you want them to accept our own fault. There will be certain things that we have is inhibition, certain things in body image, certain things in our psychology, certain things in what we came into the marriage with we what we our children are dealing with in terms of their pre learning. So you're sitting with your child and Subhanallah you're trying to teach them your six math or your eight math or your 10 math. And so Pamela, there's something that they're weak in and you're no you have to accept that this is something that needs to be mitigated, change fixed, you can just assume they have to change it. I'm not going to accept you, you just got to change now,

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certain things are changeable, other things are not high acceptance. Number five is respect. You and I, me and others do not have to agree on anything for us to accept and to respect each other respect. You and I we can disagree. You and your wife, you and your children, your son and daughter can disagree on who's right who's wrong. But it doesn't mean because they disagree that they're allowed to be disrespectful to raise the voice to use a disgusting, vulgar word, to slam a door to give silent treatment to pretend that the person is a ghost that they don't even exist. They walk in the room say Santa Monica, it's like they don't exist, that disrespect to speak about them to others

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in a way that's wrong, to share something about them that they shouldn't knowing that the company is listening

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Write, those are things that are in our mind that we should have in our mind to solve the problem finally is taqwa

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is to make in your mindset, that Allah will hold me accountable. Even if I get my way, I might get my way. And I might force the person I'm in conflict with to do what I said. But is this what Allah Subhana Allah will allow me to get away with? Is this something I? I deserve? Is it going to happen? If it isn't? What do you mean, and now be scared of the torment of the punishment of Allah? May Allah subhanho wa Taala, grant us His protection. So let's have a quick step by step guide to conflict resolution, first step timing, choose the right time to discuss it, don't talk about something in front of the kids don't talk with other people who shouldn't hear it, you know, don't

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do it when your children are sleepy, and tell them why they're missing their homework. And, you know, it's at a moment of them watching TV and menu, you know, it's something you get allowed them to do, and then you cancel it, because something else happened. Choose the right time.

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You know, make sure that timing is right. Number two, have a soft approach. And you know, before you get to the meat of the issue, you want to chew into the bread of the hamburger, right. That's why you have bread, and salad and, and the sauce. And all of that is before the hamburger. Right? So you take a bite of it, but you're not going to get to the meat directly. And this is the case of our interview samalla and he would send him a message local, Holly, they'll review or hardhearted they would turn away from you. You have Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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So don't give opportunities to people to put up that stone wall to shut you down to push you out to silence you to turn a dumb ear a deaf ear to you, on account of you entering with harshness, the prophets I send them was always gentle in every matter. Number three, have more than one attendant, you don't have to solve all the problems in one go. So if your children are in conflict with each other, over the shared space over the PlayStation over who's going to do which chore over who has the right to the laptop, first over, you know, all these different things whose friend is going to visit and all of these things are together, you can't solve all five in the same CT

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you have to make more than one repair attempt. So first, you're going to fix this part and then this is going to impact this and then you can fix that part and then you can use each of them to fix something ultimately later. Number four, monitor our physiology how we look our heartbeat, how high our voices are we have you know, are we frowning? Are we angry? Are we tense are we you know,

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monitor our physical presence. Number five,

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negotiate for the win win because they're your loved ones. They're your family, they're your friends, they're, you want everybody to walk away feeling that they want. And this is the level of compassion. This is the deen of Allah subhanaw taala that instills in us the desire to have a win win situation

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that everyone experiences it and benefits from it.

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Finally, you know, set

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rules that assist us after. So now that I've solved the problem, okay, and you're gonna play first or, you know,

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you know, you're gonna play second. Okay, I did that today. But now that I've solved the problem today, I need to set the rule for tomorrow. So now tomorrow, okay, aroma, you're going to play first Achmad, you're going to play second, and then I make a schedule. So having rules and having boundaries eliminates the need of making on the spot decisions, which usually is one of the main contributors to massive conflict levels of interest.

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Finally,

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I'm going to talk about bad parenting and forgive me for, you know, saying this, but there's a really good course that my friend, my

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colleague, who teaches with a live Institute, he has a friend it's called, he has a course called protect this house. and protect this house is a program that is meant about these issues that you're suffering with at the moment. It's about how to be a great parent and how to solve some of these contemporary problems. Now, of course, it's an online course it's usually taught in person by shabu Isa, who's in Manchester. So they're releasing this course it's been recorded over a number of years and

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You know, there's so much data and experience. Now he's a medical. He's a medical practitioner. He's a medically trained, but he's also a Sharia consultant, he's, you know, one of the, one of the learned in our faith. So he brings in, you know, a little bit of depth to this issue. And I highly, highly recommend, he doesn't know I'm doing this, by the way, I'll send it to him, but he doesn't know I'm doing this. So I highly recommend that you enroll for this program. And I want it to be something that is of great value for you and your family. And I will put a link to it in the comments, right, protect this house, how you can enroll on it online, because you want to protect

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your home, you want to protect it. So here are some of the things that relate to bad parenting and inshallah I plan on doing something you know, more extensive as a one off online talk that you can benefit from inshallah. But some of the, you know, the issues that if our children, especially the young are lying to us, often, generally speaking, it's due to our overreaction and being too harsh to their inappropriate behavior. So they're inappropriate in their behavior, but we're going over the top so that they make a split second decision, I'd rather my dad be angry at me, but not as angry as he goes. So I'm going to lie and even though he might know I'm lying, I'd rather lie than

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have him be angry directly to me.

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You know, the bad parenting things at times creates havoc within the home. So one of the beautiful Hadith of the prophets I send them which I linked to the very first ad that I recited from Surah tyva say you're going to run away from your brother but not your sister, father, mother, spouse, sons, but not your daughters The reason the prophets I said Lim said

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men Allah Jerry attain the one who looks after two young girls his daughters, his sisters, you know somebody young children that he raises orphans The one who looks after two young girls

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well as Senator De Velma and raises them with good morals good ethics. Well let me you have Delilah hinda and doesn't prefer their brother to them doesn't give the boy more than the girl doesn't treat the boy in one way that superior or what they may think is superior to them. Couldn't that never hit you up? I mean and now those two girls those two young daughters they raised up your sisters much a lot they become a barrier between you and Hellfire aliqua on the day of admission like a two sisters llama Vedic leafy home yada, I'm going to chase them down. I'm going to run away from my brother's I got three brothers gonna run away from them. And I'm gonna find my sisters Mashallah to hang out

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behind them. Why?

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Why is this powerful? It shows you Subhana Allah, that one of the sad realities is many parents, they give the sons a right that the doctors don't have. They treat their sons in a way that their doctors are not given. Whether its privileges or lesser duties and so on. Notice the word the problem that you don't show affection or love or care or attention, or education or opportunity that limits the others. May Allah subhanaw taala open our hearts in this reality, protect us from making these bad decisions. And I help in short love that we are excellent in our conduct with each other, that we mitigate our conflict and that we seek to help one another in that regard. I pray that Allah

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keeps you this blessing day of Juma that you are able to remember I wouldn't be as I said, the more in your silhouette, that by that product, you are given greater love from Allah Subhana Allah to Allah, and that we are guaranteed the shafaq of our interview Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam your brother? Yeah, hi, Brahim. Coming to you live from Perth. I know many of you are watching from different places I see on the forums Mashallah from Birmingham, online they're having a holla get my son em to your wonderful spouse and your wonderful children somehow Nicola McGraham decrescendo either, and I still feel quite really well Sunday. Last Sunday was it less easy no more comedy while

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early he also feel a lot more Pollyanna walking really wild early Mohamed can also leave early by him along the vertical level family wine

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label anymore early Brian bland me nicomedia Majeed, by the way at four o'clock

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430 this afternoon. Usually I do a cross over to South Africa news. But to ITV News, but they don't have it on Friday. So I'll see you again. Just like a lawfare. Sister Shaheen as it was wonderful doing Hydra with you and now May Allah accept from all of us. I mean, keep us in your garage. And may Allah subhanaw taala protect and elevate our homes in sha Allah

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I have a special program about mental health that is going to be on Sunday. Now that Sunday is Sunday 7am in Perth and I will release more details of it if you go down to posts on my Facebook page you'll be able to see it. It's called thrive to success and there's a wonderful group of people that are assembled for that program do sign up for it, it'll be of great value inshallah. So how to Hello Mohammed can shadow Allah in Ireland to suffer to win a call ceremony.