Overcome Every Challenge of Marriage

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Waleed Basyouni

Channel: Waleed Basyouni

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Episode Transcript

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just to get you guys some interaction a little bit gets you engage.

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I will say, let's come up with four principles for principles that we think they're a key points,

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an important principles, foundations that we can use to meet any challenge in law in marital relationships.

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Okay, I will come up with one

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to make it hard. I will be the last one. Then Jeff Ibrahim will come with one, the brother will come on one, and sisters will come with one. So we have four principles that you know what these are general principles that I can use to solve any type of challenges that I might face in my marital relationship or in my marriage. But if one of brothers said a principle, and he for example, said, Be happy, be a happy person. That's how you deal with all we have to have overwhelming majority of people by raising hand that they agree that this is a fundamental principle.

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Okay, so the brothers sisters, they just don't get away with anything. I don't get away with anything show to him. He can go away with anything. Fine. He's the boss. So is that deal?

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Yeah. Okay, let's start the show Brian. Since kind of foot the bar raised the bar. What in your, in your opinion, shall Brian what's the most important principle that you think can be used to solve any challenges in marriage? Okay, so what I would think was one what I would think is and I'm qualifying my answer, what I would think is regardless of love whether this the couple love each other, regardless of whether the couple, you know, agree with each other on most issues.

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What I would think the most important quality that the marriage has to have is unity, that both husband and wife have to be united challenges meet anybody meet any entity. Let's say if the man of the marriage is an entity, there will always be challenges. Challenges has been from day one, Adam and Eve were challenged from the beginning. And when they sinned, Allah subhanaw taala addressed them both he did not address one of them unit unity like they are united together to face these challenges. Regardless of their disagreement, you're in a war. You put away your all of your disagreements and unite on facing that challenge. How do you come up with this?

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It's just common sense. Because this exact point I have.

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That's not fair. It's the same point. I said nobody bought it. Excellent. Great. guys think you know, I worded this way. I think one of the most important principle once he just said is you always remember you guys both on the same site.

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The moment you lose sight of this, the moment your marriage goes into trouble.

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You're always remember, we are on the same site. You fight together. Yes. So we are visa to the United, we're in the same site. So anytime you face any problem, if you look at this problem, I'm hearing you there, you're not going to be able to make that challenge. But anytime you see any challenge regardless, what's the name of that challenge? We're going to mention several today tonight. But you always think that you are on the same side as became easy. Excellent. does not have to think about one.

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I'm glad that I'm the last one. Okay, let's start with the sisters. What another principle like a general principle that we can tell people that's so important that will help you to solve and to meet any challenges in marriage.

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Yes, sister, but we're gonna get a vote on your point.

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Good communication

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so, biggest

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want to talk about anymore?

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Wonderful, wonderful. So how many of you guys think that this is an important principle? Raise your hand. I definitely agree.

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Okay, good communication. If there is no communication, you will never be able to solve problems. Simple. And good communication means you don't keep quiet. Some people when they get angry or mad, or there's a problem, they don't talk about it.

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You know, that's not gonna work. You know, one of the things I always say in marriage, there is no guessing game.

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You know, big, clear, clear, good communication and a mind reader is not a mind reader. Very good. Also. So that's number one. Number two, also, there is a difference between talking to each others and talking at each other.

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That's right. And that's important to Harmar today's hot was very good about to learn how to listen.

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Yeah, so communication, good clear communication. Thank you. Let's see the brothers. What another principle? Yeah.

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A lot.

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And we need to actually work together

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and make the drive and make them to make the PV in this relationship. So making the Ansarullah will help us to meet any challenge. So when there is a challenges, we will always turn to Allah Subhana Allah to help us to overcome this challenge. who think that this is how he phrased what he said, Oh, I will rephrase what you said. It's like you are invoking ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada. You are showing that you are powerless. And that without Allah's help, you cannot be powerful. You are trying to empower your relationship with your, your wife or your spouse, to be able to meet that challenge, regardless of what that challenge is that you without Allah's help are powerless. So and that that

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goes into what you say the coder of ALLAH SubhanA facing the coder of Allah

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Meant to be from Allah subhanaw taala up to this point. So, the job on the Salah, we ask Allah to leave the business, and that's invoking, invoking Allah into the, into becoming part of the,

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your your weapon to face that challenge. Nice, excellent, no, no hold on, who think that this is important that whenever one of the principle will help you to face challenges is to strengthen your relationship with Allah subhanaw taala that will help you to face this challenge as a general principle, raise your hand if this is something you think is good, very good. One of the thing that's helped with that as well when I was talking to him, it talks about the issue of divorce and, you know, going through challenges, if you notice and sort of pull out Allah mentioned his name in every verse, Allah this is the only saw our Allah mentioned and I and it was a yes, tequila hiya

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Jalla who Maharajah and it in the social Talaq Allah says those who have Taqwa of Allah, Allah will bring them exit relief. Okay, in the ayat which is another Surah Surah Al Baqarah when Allah spoke about the issue of marriage difficulties and divorces and the rules divorce, what he ended these verses with, we're happy though Ana salat wa salam ala Wooster. WaPo Mala Haqqani teen care for the salah specialist salata rasa, she had the body here told me in his in his experience, he said she had I had consulted countless number of brothers and sisters. Marriage problem yeah, like a lot of brothers sisters. And he said every time when they see so much like

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damage in the relationship and fight and hate, I asked them individually or both. How is your salata awesome?

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And they kind of what

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he said I intentionally ask everyone came to me. Do you pray us out on time and TerraForm Salat al Assad is should be prayed in the beginning of the time you don't delay it. He said Well, Alicia, I can't let them hurt him. He said I can tell you never any I was proving wrong

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never a single time that I found out that they are preying on time slot that awesome.

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But most Yanni 90 90% of the time there is they don't pray asset on time.

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And he said I don't know but I feel like mentioned Sawtell also specifically without any or Samantha Mr. Liu salata Lhasa, okay. When he talks about the relationship, whatever that relationship, I don't know, I cannot point finger I cannot make the connection. But he said, in my experience, I found this to be very common. So when he told me that I started asking, I wouldn't claim that I made like an effort to keep track of all this. But you know what, I have seen this also be true in many cases before that, I found people who don't pray also on time, that their relationship for whatever reason, you know, became not as good as it is. And so the Hadith says for Kenya mature and those who

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miss as a prayer is like they lost their family. Beautiful. Yeah, that's what a beautiful point. That's very beautiful point. Yeah.

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So that's, you have something to say,

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to build on the two points.

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Basically, we have a complicated problem, you have to know the reference. One, right.

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And a benchmark is

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as obvious as the episode for you.

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Very well. So just for

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those who are online, so vitamin was saying, it's important to always have a reference point, you know,

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in a point that you go back to when there is a dispute, which is in our case 100 Our Muslims we can go back to the Quran and Sunnah and to see what Allah smart Allah says what the process on said, if there is a guidance in regard to this issue, very well said, Okay, fourth principle that's kind of Now interesting. For me,

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I think one of the things that will help in my opinion as a general principle, okay, is honesty.

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Very unit when you are honest with each others.

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And subhanAllah I found this Allah Allah put so much Baraka when you're honest with each other,

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honest and admitting your mistakes honest and saying what is your intention is honest on you know, because Allah Allah, eu read that as law and that's something shows the authenticity of the intention there.

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honest, do you really want to fix your fucking love away? No. So honesty is, is something that you can build on. Because no trust, you cannot solve any problem. If I don't trust you, we will never be able to solve our problems. Right? So honesty is, in my opinion, a fundamental principle to face any challenges in marriage. Guys agree. Yes.

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Okay, let's,

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let's start with challenges shift, right? In your opinion, in a, I have some points here.

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I think let's maybe this is a little bit too late for some people. But I will tell you something. And that's not the philosophy and the philosophy of goal statement. I in my experience of life,

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cathedral minuteness, many people I met in my life.

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And when they meet him, and they get to know them,

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I think I know the person. But I found out later that this person's have so many other persons inside them.

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So that makes sense. And I found so many people, that person, the more I live with them, the more I deal with them, I found so many others inside now not have multiple disorders or anything like that. I don't mean any mentally not say no, but I mean, because how about we carry so many different layers and personalities and, and moods? And there is so much in it? You have not discovered yet? Yeah. And there is things about me, chagrin, maybe don't know yet, because I discover things shoveling passions and stuff like that, and you know, you yourself change over time. Okay, so I think the first challenge is getting to know each other.

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And sometimes we don't invest time in getting to know each other. Right? Yes, I think marriage in itself actually, is based on the desire to know someone and to be known by someone. And that is actually what intimacy is, you know, intimacy is the opposite of loneliness. Adam Alayhis Salam, when he was in Jannah, he felt lonely, Allah created his wife for him. And now he got to know her. And now he, you know, it is, it begins with knowing someone and that you want to be known by that someone. And it talks about like, you need to be ready to reveal yourself to that someone when you get married to them, and that you don't hide anything from them. And give them the opportunity to

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know you. That's a challenge in itself. That is what builds the relationship that you to start learning about each other, and learning about each other in on many different levels, intellectually, emotionally, physically.

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Even sexually,

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knowing about each other, spiritually as well, these five, these are the five areas of intimacy, that you need to actually connect with your spouse on these areas, on different levels. And you take it slow, because there's so much to know, and there is so much to enjoy about that. And it is important that so that is the first challenge is to build the marriage, and building the marriages, building the relationship. And before you start with anything, make your your spouse, your subject of knowledge that you are learning about them. And that in itself is a great challenge and it requires skill. It requires patience requires that you are ready to forgive if you learn something

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that you don't like, and that you are committed to this relationship regardless of what that revelation will bring out. Because it's important. So

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there is many layers to this pal are very, very good point.

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Also, we grow through stages in life.

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And sometimes when we are in a certain stage, I kind of lost you. Yet I'm not the same person 10 years ago.

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I'm not the same person before having a grandchild. I'm not the same person before my kids got married or have kids, not the same person like when I have just a simple job. You see, as I grow in my life, my age, my financial responsibility, my role in society, my role and community. You notice you change your E there is a change and sometimes

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We don't pay attention to these changes, tried to know each other. Also, sometimes I hate this kind of, I think sometimes we fool ourselves. I know him like the back of my hand.

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First of all, I guarantee you to know the back of your hand, I can guarantee you a lot of people the back of my hand, I guaranteed another backing for him. That's one maybe true, you know, like, the back of my hand? You know, I don't know how many lines in it? I don't know, you know, it, just it just an expression, which is I always found weird. But anyway, going back to the main point, I know him very well, I know her very well. And the reality is, you really don't.

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There is an exercise I do sometimes, you know,

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with my family, I do it with, you know, with people who ask me for counseling, and I tell them, hey, why don't you write five things about your spouse that you love so much.

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And one of the benefits of this, it surprised me. You know, over time, I found every five years, my wife come with a new lust, you know,

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I don't know if I added to the old lust or just in new ones. But I, you know, it helped me to know, oh, I didn't think that this is something important to her.

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You see, for example, you might be surprised, I didn't know that this means a lot to her.

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So you that's one of the way to get to know what's really make you close to your spouse.

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That's, that's an important thing to do.

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And, you know, many times also, when we ask people to write about the response, you'd be surprised that just oh, I don't know, any, it just wrong. It's not correct. That's all to Ozel a long time ago, it's not the same today. So I think it's important to invest in getting to know each others, what they like what they love, you know, and keep focusing on the thing that matter. And,

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and I would like to add to, to this point is that sometimes we think we know our spouses, but we actually what we know is an image that we developed in our mind about who they are, and that stuck with us. And we're not willing to change it. And that's, that's problematic in itself, because it will make you face problems when you're really are not treating your spouse fairly, because you're just treating an image, you're treating a persona that you created yourself, because you liked it. However, that can be easily,

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you know, overcome

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when you open up to your spouse, and you allow her, especially for men, and men are not communicators, they're not good communicators, women like to talk. And that's why sometimes they shut their wives down. And now listen to her. Let her talk. And you just sit there and hear her and listen to her feelings as well. Because whatever she's saying, she's actually not telling you information, she's connecting with you to know her even better, to reach in the depths of her feelings. You know, it's visceral, like they say is it goes to the very

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same cell of their bodies, because that's where her soul is residing in every cell of her body. So you will be amazed how even more wonderful and more pleasurable the new person that you are learning now about your spouse and that goes also for the women. Because because the men are not really good communicators, they're not willing to

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communicate their feelings. So sure, how can you solve this problem? If one of the spouse is not opening up?

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Well, you know, there are different ways of communicating with the person to give us to eat just don't have to

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let them let them feel comfortable. Sometimes they're now doing this because they have insecurities. Because their husband doesn't like to talk doesn't like what to talk. Well. At one point you will find ways to let make him talk or communicate. Sometimes you know what, one of the counselors actually was advising. If you're not good verbally, try to write give them a journal. Tell them here's a journal give him a gift as a journal with a beautiful pen. And men by the way, I love pens. You know, I love you know what

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not

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I can let him start reading or writing about himself. writing anything, any silly thing is sometimes you just repeating the lie true, or as people like to run, right? Yeah. Speaking of perception, I teach a course called Flip or Flop. I just launched it. This week, it's online with a McGraw Institute, I advise you guys to take the course. And it is like, a very well prepared, and then a lot of materials. And it's one of the thing that I talk about is Manchester social bond, we talked about the issue of lenses. You put a lens, you put a lens in your eyes, and you see everything through that lens. You already have that lens, and it became unfair, not fair, you didn't give the

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person even a chance. Because you always judge them based on 20 years ago, 10 years ago, you remember when this incident happened, you know, you'll always have this lens on you and you're not willing to take off this glasses. And you know what your vision now change, you know, you can change that you can ginned up preset, that's so important to do. Sometimes the lens comes from a package like culture, you know, I just have this pre notions about women about men, it's about my working one woman about educated women, like one person said, I'm not gonna let my wife finish college. I said, Why is it some guy told me I don't want my educated my wife why and he has that lens, that

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educated woman working woman are bad and like arrogant are not gonna listen are gonna dump me later on. You know, she's gonna, she's gonna divorce me, she's going to leave me. So already comes with that with that lens, buddy. So anything she does, I would immediately judge her through that or judge him through that. And that's very, very dangerous in relationship. In any relationship, especially in marriage.

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Like,

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what we talked about, like,

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one of the things open up talk about, I think one of the biggest challenges that I found it in many marriages is children

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shall have children can test your marriage in many different ways. So let's explore some of these ways. And

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and let me ask the crowd first. What do you think the biggest challenge between husband and wife when it comes to children?

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Give me like a point that you see, it's a point of tension.

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Yes.

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Very good. When it comes to discipline, somebody wants to discipline so much. And one is soda locks, you know about rules? Shall right? I think the the biggest challenge about children is time. And what I mean by what she's saying, What was she saying? Yeah, any discipline, first thing is discipline, if if one parent decided on a way of disciplining the child, do not oppose that parent and let them do that. And then you can talk about it later on for the next time that you to decide on how to discipline the child. So is it okay for the husband to be like, the relaxed one, and the mom is the tough one everything on time? You know, there is like, actually, that that is? I mean,

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they will, they will, they will switch roles, they will switch roles, there are different things. I mean, it's not an easy thing to discipline a child. And I can say for myself, I'm the worst discipline, parent, I am very lenient and laid back when it comes to that, whereas my wife is more. That's why I really, we don't, I don't oppose her when she starts disciplining the children. And, you know,

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it has to be where you should give them the discipline has to be out of love rather than punishment. It's not punishment. I think the key point is when you have two different methods, like there is some parents don't believe the God or not, don't believe

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there is no parenting.

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I don't know what kind of why there is parenting if you're not going to do parenting. If the kids do everything what they want is some kid some kid the father in law houses, okay. Like even in the message sometimes you see some kids do things. Your son or your daughter, he or she.

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Oh, okay.

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Okay, what he's spilling any juice over the carpet.

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He's like putting a hole and, and the couch and he's like

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Your kids, and one of the parents would say, Oh, sweetheart, you know, just listen to what the chef says. Okay?

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Is he's not even not this is wrong. I'm telling you the truth. So, for example, he stay late comes late, you know, a teenager coming 1am to the house?

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You know, I don't agree with that. So, or teenager, will she wear a miniskirt and go out? You know, old, worn or adult?

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The, you know, us? I'm not going to agree into that.

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But another person, no, let them have experience.

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You see, so two completely different, what is what is the Tisha I think there shouldn't be from the beginning the children when their ways from the beginning there should parents have to set to set boundaries on the kids, that you don't make the relationship between you and your children fluid, where there are no clear boundaries, and that there are you know, there are consequences, there is respect, there is

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discipline, and all of this has to be set. And it is actually to give them a healthier way of growing up rather than being you know, like they actually raised themselves when there are no boundaries. And that starts with the marriage itself, having boundaries having rules set having, I mean, Allah subhanaw taala created marriage with laws, there are laws for marriage laws for parenting. And if we apply these laws, things will go

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aligned. Otherwise, we will be just

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like a guessing game. And we will lose these children. And so there should be boundaries on like schooling on what they watch on TV, and the electronics that they use. And parents have both to, you know, participate in, they're so nice. And to be together on it, if I may use the principle that we said, which going back to Unity that you have to, we have to feel like we're on the same side, I handle hate my kids. Now, we all love the kids who all want the best for kids. So we come in from that perspective. The second principle communication, you have to talk to your spouse, you just don't fight over it or fight over in front of the kids, you and her come together said Hey, you did

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his parents and there's this talk to each other about it, you know, express your differences agree on certain common ground. Another principle beautiful principle here here is the issue is certain things. It's not about my opinion, your opinion, it's about also Halal haram allowed not allowed, right. Okay, so there is a reference point, which is the deen of Allah subhanaw taala. You know, other also, principle that you know, what being asked to be honest with each others about, and I'm so the kids don't very good show them. Like, don't tell them not to do something and you do it in front of them. Sometimes it reached a level where it is

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we can we can go through each other. In this case, I highly recommend for you to go to a counselor,

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you and your spouse, go to a counselor, a third party, where he can listen to you and kind of bring you together to be able to sink together. Right. And there is a lot of child you know, counselors and and child psychologist specialists, they will hold the Allah and with a little bit tweak it. She it's all about how to frame things. And it can change your whole entire perspective. And I like what what you're saying because I read where somewhere they say

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sometimes when you go to a child psychologist, they want to deal with the child and by by himself or by herself, and not as separate or independent from the family. But what is best is actually to have what they call family therapy where the child is dealt with within the context of the family within the environment of the family, rather than Oh, the child has ADHD. Well, can we just explore even more and see the environment of the family? Maybe the family is broken or dysfunctional or it's not conducive to a healthy child rearing. So you have to deal with the child within the context of the family. So I like that point. Speaking of ADHD, my daughter, Simone, she's like

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six years old.

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No seven

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She says, so I told her, hey, I want you to move into this new schools. She said, No, I don't want to move to new school. And we had a heated discussion over, you know which school she want to go to. He said, I want to stay in my school, because bah, bah, you know, I have duck clicks here.

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Does dyslexia what are the? Yeah, but she said, she said, yeah, that Lexia. And as I said, in my school, that is a specialist who deal with my entire collection. I said, Yeah, that's fine. I have to get Lexia too. And I went to school, she said, You don't have to collect. Maybe you have ADHD or something

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like that, but

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seven years old, talking to the shell this way.

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So let's begin by going back to challenge two challenges with children. What do you guys think? She said, disciplines the different minivan? How about the brothers? What do you think if you point one thing that you see it's a big challenge between husband and wife when it comes to children?

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Come on, guys, we need to hear from you. So we can help with giving you a real advice instead of us. Just coming up with anybody. What do you think? Do you remember we had like with for your kids? What was that? How your kids tested your marriage?

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Yes, I'll get your hand if there's no other hand. So we can get more people to Okay, go ahead.

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Beautiful.

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Yeah, very good. He said one of the challenges can be manipulating a child to put him in one side other another search can be the mother side or the mother family against the father's family, or disconnected from the other family. That's also can be a challenge and can cause damage into the relationship between husband and wife. And again, I can't like emphasize enough on the how dangerous this is, you know, your child isn't innocent, why would you feed them this kind of hatred and, and also it's haram, to dream to teach your children from the early age to cut ties with their family and family from both sides from the father and the mother. This is not the attitude of the Muslim in

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a Muslim in your Sedona or ham, World Cafe in Kerala, Allah Allah if you help them well as a time interval later and to figure out what to do or hammock them that the kufan the way the cut ties with family. You know, this is the idea of of disbeliever, not the Muslims, not the believers, we connect them, we should encourage them to spend time with their unlawful with their MO with their maternal family, grandparents, parents and uncles, aunts, and cousins, and the same thing from the federal side. That's important, and it is haram to do that. And that's my opinion, there's a reference point operation type, but sometimes the problem tension can comes with the say, Yes, but you know, what

00:38:28--> 00:38:29

his family?

00:38:31--> 00:38:33

teach my kids bad things.

00:38:35--> 00:39:07

What do we do in a case like this, you know, share your brother, not your ex, she will say to her husband, your brother smokes, and he doesn't smoke outside the house. And I know my kids to go to your parents watch things on TV, which now to make kids to watch. You know, your they let them eat whatever they want. I can give you tons of example like this. And that's why I'm taking this position. They lie the hit to them the whatever things lead to can be a valid concern. How can we deal with something like that? So

00:39:09--> 00:39:15

am I right guys, or I'm making this like, I mean, this is a valid point. First of all, you have to have

00:39:16--> 00:39:56

honest conversations with your children and build the house on moral grounds, sound moral grounds from the beginning, show them what is allowed and what is not allowed and show them that in society. They will be exposed to things that are not allowed. It's not just their in laws. It's not just their uncle's or their, you know, cousins, but society itself, they will face things that are not allowed. So you have to actually from the beginning, be an educator with your child, be a mentor to your child in a very, let's say, friendly way.

00:39:58--> 00:39:59

make things clear to them and

00:40:00--> 00:40:48

Do not speak to the child, like he's a child, speak to them, like they want you to speak to them, they would like you to speak to them as an adult, then speak to them like an adult, because that will enhance their confidence, their self esteem. So, in this way you tell them what is right and what is wrong. And when they go to their, you know, I, you know, when they go to their, say cousins, they will know that this is not allowed. And they will not be judgmental at the same time, you will teach them that, you know, what is the proper way, and you can't be always on point because sometimes children will do what children do, but you at the same time, do not try to shield them.

00:40:49--> 00:41:40

Sometimes, it could work in an in a very pure Puritan environment. But we're not living in a Puritan environment, we're living in an environment that is very toxic. So shielding them sometimes can give them the wrong immunity. You need to teach them and be patient with them, you know, step by step until finally, you know, when they're exposed to these things, they know what to take and what not to take. Eventually, you will always have to ask Allah subhanaw taala to protect your children, but you're not going to be with them. 24/7 and the same time, you cannot be shielding them all the time. And it may backfire at you. Where are you shielded us all this time. And now we want to rebel. So

00:41:40--> 00:42:16

it's really a very, very delicate balance that you have to have with your children. And also you should put boundaries with your family man. Yeah, I would always say don't you're not a man. If you let your wife talk to your father, the man and a woman if you let your husband, your husband, talk to your dad. Remember, your woman will say I deal with my own parents. I'll deal with my own family. You know, I don't need you to talk. I'll talk to my brother. I said you don't do that. I'll talk to my sister. I'll talk to my parents about you don't let your spouse do that your job for you. Okay, yes.

00:42:20--> 00:42:22

This is very important that

00:42:27--> 00:42:30

basically, one of the moves that

00:42:31--> 00:42:37

I don't talk about the bad things about my friends, my family, my wife, my spouse's

00:42:38--> 00:42:45

talk because otherwise it's gonna backfire when you have not that is

00:42:48--> 00:42:49

not to do that not

00:42:52--> 00:43:32

not to damage the image of your family towards your spouse. So it will not fire back very good. Very good. Doug Wilson. Walt take they What about big issue now they are adult to there is like, I don't want to talk to me about but I would like to hear from you guys. And it comes to children and challenge the fishing children like the gay when they get older. Like for example, I liked this shielding concept is not about the little ones even about the older ones. I know I don't I mentioned you know, but I know some people had a very hard time when they're one of their children moved to another state to study but I was so proud of them that they did not hold back their child from

00:43:32--> 00:44:10

traveling. You know, give them the the ability to experience something new, you know, and sometimes we have to learn how to do that, you know, sometimes comes to marriage. You know about our children. You know, this children feeling and the possession there are possessive parents who would not let their children go even when they're married they make their children's marriage miserable because they won't let go but I have an aspect I want to talk about in regard to children are into it quickly. You're gonna call that good

00:44:16--> 00:44:17

Michael

00:44:20--> 00:44:21

Michael

00:44:25--> 00:44:26

Michael.

00:44:30--> 00:44:31

Like

00:44:33--> 00:44:33

shadow

00:44:39--> 00:44:40

a shadow

00:44:48--> 00:44:52

a shadow one more minute or wrestle

00:44:56--> 00:44:57

a shadow

00:45:00--> 00:45:01

monitor a

00:45:08--> 00:45:08

sauna

00:45:18--> 00:45:19

a sauna

00:45:26--> 00:45:27

right

00:45:39--> 00:45:44

Hi Jon Farleigh?

00:46:09--> 00:46:10

None

00:46:24--> 00:46:25

yes

00:46:29--> 00:46:32

with regard to which one to which point

00:46:34--> 00:46:35

sometimes when you have to

00:46:36--> 00:46:36

deploy your

00:46:38--> 00:46:38

mind

00:46:39--> 00:46:40

you're

00:46:41--> 00:46:42

not

00:46:45--> 00:46:46

going to

00:46:47--> 00:46:50

be out that can be with no proof my brother

00:46:54--> 00:46:54

house

00:47:00--> 00:47:04

yeah, I think every house can put up boundaries.

00:47:05--> 00:47:48

Yeah even growing like even my kids are growing doesn't mean that my rules my house there are certain rules. You know, that's fine. You know in China when you move on to your own house, you can do your own rules. It also every house is different, like people have a different, you know some people who might not have a rules are curfew time, you know. So, as long as we agree with it as a family, we explain to them why I have a curfew. Because safety because you know, there's work I don't want you to miss Fudger I don't want you to, you know, to be lazy in the morning. You know, that's not how it does. Allah subhanaw taala for your health, sleeping is so important for your

00:47:48--> 00:48:05

health and sleeping in the night. And we have many doctors here can correct me if I'm wrong. People have science. The study shows that night's sleep is way more important than sleeping during the daytime. You know, so.

00:48:06--> 00:48:50

So all these are very important. Well, that's why I put a curfew. I'm not just putting it because I'm like a dictator. You know, or I'm, you know, controlling your life. No. So as long as you say that at the end of the day is not a democracy is not a voting system. You know, you call us that's why my rules, I explain it to you why. And that's the rules on the house. And that's the most important thing you and your spouse agree on to this. And it goes. So what time What does how many? You know, that's up to the cat weekend involved in that that's up to you and your family. But my general advice, put the rules, but don't be too strict. Any I can give a break one time. Is Jonathan

00:48:50--> 00:49:03

my Alia. Yeah, and it's like it's a hair. Because also I've seen people just quit, laughed. You know, who cares? Unfortunately, even you raise your kids very well. But that's an option like always,

00:49:05--> 00:49:07

like, going back to the point.

00:49:08--> 00:49:15

As we all know, kids spill the world the word love, T I M E.

00:49:16--> 00:49:19

That's how they spell the word love time.

00:49:20--> 00:49:27

One of the biggest challenge that test marriage, when children comes is time.

00:49:29--> 00:49:36

Many things to have time with each other spouse and for you if you're working parents to have time with

00:49:37--> 00:49:38

children.

00:49:39--> 00:49:59

So let me start with the first part and shall rain cover the second part for time with each other. Please, if you have children, your primary focus when your relationship with your spouse is not your children. Your primary focus is your children. So many times he will tell you oh

00:50:00--> 00:50:19

Oh, hilltop, just because we have kids we're living together. No, even if you have no kids, if we have million kids, I will divorce you. And if we don't have any kids, I will never divorce you. What make me live with you, is because I love you. Because you're a good person to be with

00:50:20--> 00:50:24

kids is not the only reason for me to be with you, that has to be very clear.

00:50:26--> 00:50:39

You know, it has to be you have to invest in the relationship that you so if if the relationship turned to feel, the only reason we are together just because of the kids, that's very sad relationship.

00:50:41--> 00:51:25

And that means there's when they grow up and be older, that's going to be even harder for both of you guys to live together. And it became a disaster later on. Invest in the relationship. So you have, that's why I say, get a babysitter, you know, hire a nanny, do whatever it takes from you to make sure that you have time with your wife, you go out for dinner for vacations for you know spent on vacation without the kids, you know, find ways to spend your money on it. And that's the best way to invest your money and in the relationship between your spouse, take it from your brother, take it from your Imam, take it from your friend, take it from somebody who teaches of love.

00:51:26--> 00:51:34

Okay, so that I always say I have always said vacations are not luxury. There are in societies.

00:51:35--> 00:52:23

You know, spending time together, doesn't need to be luxury vacation somewhere. You don't have just a day in somewhere, but to spend time with your spouse. The other one our part is time with kids here. All right. So I want to add to your point, you know, sometimes when we do premarital counseling, I advise strongly the couple to wait, before they have children. Like I tell them give yourself three years to build the relationship. And some culture. Yeah, this is, yeah, give yourself three years to build the relationship. Because what happened is that in the beginning, you have what we call infatuation, you fall in love. But as soon as just as soon as you have fallen in love, you

00:52:23--> 00:53:01

could easily fall out of love. And some people think we that means there is no marriage, there is no relationship. No, no actually, love happens after you have fallen out of love. And that becomes where you are free to love your, your wife, you choose to love her not, you don't, you're not actually tricked into loving her. It's your choice to love her or to love him. It tricked into is the attraction. And Allah put that in us so we can get married. But after that, it becomes genuine. Back to the time issue is

00:53:03--> 00:53:53

what happens is that in in marriage, you're actually modeling marriage in front of your children. So which means that you want a healthy child, when they grow up. They also produce a healthy marriage because actually their children, your children are watching you, how you, you how you're treating their mom, if you're respecting their mom, if you're if you're if you're listening to their mom, if you're having conversation with her. So you have to actually have time for the family, and have what we call family rituals and the visit. These are extremely important family rituals where at least you have three dinners a week that families get together. Regardless, if you have callers through

00:53:53--> 00:54:44

their cell phone, no cell phone, put the cell phone down and have a meal together, go to a restaurant together, see how you act in public and how you display affection for your wife in front of your children and in the public. And that requires time. It's important that you model this in front of your children, because then they know what I found from a lot of reading that a lot of people are actually mimicking their parents and their marriages. And they say we usually marry our unfinished business. What do they mean by that is something that we missed in our parents now we want to marry it in our spouse, and it becomes a disaster marriage. So you need to actually keep in

00:54:44--> 00:54:59

mind that your children are watching you. You're teaching them marriage 101 From the beginning, you're teaching them affection, love, respect, truthfulness, trust that will not be displayed without it.

00:55:00--> 00:55:01

Spending time.

00:55:02--> 00:55:47

That's why you have to have time with your children. And not only that there is something they call a girl's Daddy, how to be a daddy for your girl. You know, I actually, I'm having a little challenge with my daughter Amina, where I have to actually go and get a book to read about how she is so I can deal with her and learn because you really need to find ways to open up to her or open up to your to your children. And, you know, dealing with daughters is different from dealing with with boys. One of the things that helped me a lot with that, I do have some of the called Daddy and girls trip,

00:55:48--> 00:56:06

you know, a year, so every year I take my girls and go, that's very good. Yeah. A boy, man. I know you have a very outstanding relationship with your daughters. Especially summer. How did you get to? To be like, so close to each other like that? What do you think if you want to advise someone

00:56:07--> 00:56:33

I know they're so close can you should check his blood pressure every day. And she lives in California. And she makes sure she is good. She's like, always there for him. You know, he still have, you know, the high school stuff her high school written. And you know, so many memories as of just happened yesterday. And it happened like a decade ago. So how did you do that?

00:56:34--> 00:56:38

Well, that is a tip advice. So much love.

00:56:39--> 00:56:42

So much giving we all love. And

00:56:43--> 00:57:12

so much given what I've asked her that question myself, like, what is it, she said that he was empowering us? You trust us. And you wanted us to do things, and he was just watching. But then when it comes time to disciplining you, they're like, No, that's what I like and do this. And they love that. And then respected that. I know also that even though you when

00:57:13--> 00:57:18

you dedicated your life for them, that's single father for 10 years.

00:57:20--> 00:57:22

811 and 13.

00:57:24--> 00:57:30

So that's incredible. And so that's a lot of time you spent with them, right?

00:57:32--> 00:57:39

Didn't give me a technical Safety and Risk Manager for oil and gas. But I give them all the time and all the love

00:57:43--> 00:57:44

Nice, nice.

00:57:45--> 00:57:48

If you so much to say thank you.

00:57:49--> 00:57:54

It's just a lot of them. But something you've touched on just a minute ago, I thought my attention

00:57:55--> 00:58:02

if one part if you don't want to be avoided, if you want to be a friend, you want to write whatever they like.

00:58:03--> 00:58:07

I hate to say this in a in a mosque in MSG, but our musician

00:58:08--> 00:58:09

besides

00:58:10--> 00:58:15

we just you know, when it comes to joking, a lot of parties, and I think the over the USA

00:58:17--> 00:58:18

traveling together trips.

00:58:20--> 00:58:22

Yeah. So excellent.

00:58:23--> 00:59:10

Yeah, I want to say this was I personally have this trip with my boys and my girls. Once here, try every time. It has an unbelievable amount of closeness, right? Hawking into it open up to each other's will not have that inside the house. Soon you leave the environment that you're in, it helps a lot. It's never too late to do that's important. And go outside the house, get out of the environment. And let them see that you are treating them as a friend friendship. That's important. So many parents, they are so busy making money and working and stuff like that. And Allah had the missing the most important thing in life, which is spending time with their children. I will

00:59:10--> 00:59:20

guarantee you that upon your end of your life when you go to when you're sitting by yourself. And you will never regret a moment or a day that you spent with children.

00:59:21--> 01:00:00

I can't think of a day that spent the children trip isn't. I said I wish I didn't do it. I can think of so many opportunities I had to spend with my kids. And I didn't do today. I made a decision. It was expensive. I'm not I don't have a high income. My income is like middle class like most of you. Okay, and I have to make a decision. I would like to take them I'm going to speak at Esna conference. You know what, I'm going to take my boys my teenager boys with me. Yes, it is over $1,000 to pay for tickets and to trip. But you know what I said to myself, You know what? It's worth it. Yeah, it's an investment. It's

01:00:00--> 01:00:07

An investment Yeah, we'll go together, we see conference together, you wanted to get to meet their uncle there. And you know what, I'll do it

01:00:08--> 01:00:23

for that traveling in the airplanes, you late in the night, it is something important. So what Elena say, Don't ever be among those who spend their life making a living, but they never made the life, right.

01:00:26--> 01:00:33

Type Speaking of which, what are the challenges in marriages? In two minutes or four minutes? Right?

01:00:34--> 01:00:39

Quickly two things when there is, you know,

01:00:40--> 01:00:42

the attitudes of consumerism.

01:00:44--> 01:00:51

And also, there's another issue that caught our attention to talk here is the difference level of education when there is different level of education.

01:00:53--> 01:01:39

Or different level? Yeah, let's, let's quickly cover these two, what do you mean by the attitude of consumerism when it comes to relationships. So what happened is that this is the modern marriage plague actually, when each spouse is considering himself, like in this marriage Institute, let's say, institution where, which I disagree with the term institution in this marriage relationship, but they look at it as what's in it for me. What's in it for me, once they, okay, they marry this spouse, they have benefits from this boughs. Once the you know, the beauty fades in or once things change. He's out

01:01:41--> 01:01:52

in the first minute that these benefits become less, he's out or she's out. And they are actually plagued by the media you have.

01:01:53--> 01:02:32

Everything is about you know, when any commercial that you see the highlight where you will be the happiest spouse, if you have this thing, or you will be happy if you own this, or if you if you go on this trip, you'll be happy. It's all to make you a consumer spouse, focusing on the material things that will make you quote unquote, happy, but not the relationship that is making you happy. A lot of times, you accumulate all that stuff and bring it to the house does not make you happy because the relationship is not there.

01:02:33--> 01:02:41

You don't have a relationship. So what happens is that you need to change the marriage from being a consumerism

01:02:43--> 01:03:06

oriented marriage into a relationship oriented marriage where you're building a relationship. Even if you're just living in an apartment. It's a relationship both of you eating in the first last restaurant is not what Cheesecake Factory is not gonna make you. Exactly. I mean, why be so happy even if you eating a sour?

01:03:09--> 01:03:11

Sour for example, no, I'm not gonna mention.

01:03:14--> 01:03:17

No, sour is a good restaurant is one of my favorites.

01:03:19--> 01:03:36

This is a commercial for anyway, so. So that's very good point. What about what are the things that I found a level of education when there is a big gap between them? It leads to a sense of arrogance. Like I remember him a couple. He was telling me I'm a PhD holder.

01:03:37--> 01:03:45

You know, I'm a doctor and she's she's to flip burgers and, and McDonald's kid a straightforward, he told me that

01:03:47--> 01:04:32

if you think you're too good for your spouse, you know, you're wrong. Don't marry her. Don't marry him. So Well, the thing is, but in the same times, I would say compatibility isn't as important. I don't recommend you to marry someone. There is a huge gap between you and that person's when it comes to education. Because sometimes you can't link together, talk to each other on same level. It's be too complicated. It's became you don't understand each other's interest is not there. I will not recommend that as well under note what I would like to add, which is really important that happens, especially when the husband is the breadwinner, and the wife is depending on him. And like

01:04:32--> 01:05:00

she's depending on him. So she's marrying him. Yes, there is. There is a relationship but she is more into this marriage because of her needing him and she would dread the point where the marriage will be no more. Because where am I gonna go now? I'm not I don't have any job. What's gonna happen to me? So that marriage actually is not healthy. Even though it happens this is the marriage

01:05:00--> 01:05:28

Have many of our families, many of our mothers had that same type of marriage. And they had to put up with a lot of abuse because of it. However, education empowers women, and I'm saying it in the positive way, not the negative way, that they are able to actually be a contributor to the family, they are able to understand better the relationship. So sometimes husbands become insecure, they become

01:05:29--> 01:06:21

what's gonna happen now she's independent. Now she's going to have a job. Well, if you have a strong marriage, and you have a strong relationship, you shouldn't be afraid. let her choose you. Let her choose to love you, rather than needing to love you. I need to love him. I had a conversation with one of one of the sisters that and she says, I said, Do you love him after the divorce? And she's devastated. I said, Do you love him? She says, Yes, he's my husband. I said, No, not because he's your husband you love? Do you really love her? She said, No, I don't, because He abused me. I say you see the difference. When you felt like you needed him, you needed to love Him. That is not a

01:06:21--> 01:06:58

healthy relationship. So the healthy relationship is built on choice that she's choosing to be with you. She's true. Islamically that is a very valid Giada Bina commode that, yes, she's choosing you by choice. And maybe if she becomes more educated and you support or she will love you even more, and she will be a better contributor. Because challenges could happen where you could get sick. And then you will need her support, or something good happen where you die.

01:06:59--> 01:07:48

And you leave a woman that is empowered, strengthened, is able to take care of your children after you die. These things happen. So we have to understand the dynamics we live in, in, like in a world where the society is affecting us. The society, the dynamics of society is affecting us. And that's part of it is that we are not alien to this society. Whatever happens in society happens to us. So it's better to and that goes back to unities. Whether to unite with your wife, in building the relationship where she's choosing to love you, choosing to work with you, choosing to support you, and you're not afraid if she becomes even more educated than you. If she you're not afraid if she

01:07:48--> 01:07:58

pursues her higher education. If that's the case, then you go ahead and educate yourself as well. Just like Bear eras, the story of barrier I don't want to be

01:07:59--> 01:08:31

here. Yeah, because that era of Alana freed herself, her husband didn't choose to free himself. She left him she. And as she kind of told him, you have the chance to be with me, but you chose not to, because you said and did not do anything. So it's important that a good thing is are we planning to continue this conversation also next week. And next week, we have a special guest coming which is SA sister surah. Sultan, I believe

01:08:32--> 01:09:16

she will be joining us this week or the next. We'll also have another week was just a subtle one. She's not feeling well today. Otherwise, she would have been with us. But we have different aspects we would like to explore and this area. So it just because I'm in the mood of teaching of love, I guess. So I'm very excited and very needed. Very needed topic. I think it's important topic to talk about it. And that is, you know, one of the things for the young men here. My son said Baba wife help why marriage has to in America talk too much about marriage. I said, you know, there's all things you can pick on, pick from this conversation. And it will help you even if you now this

01:09:16--> 01:09:48

moment. You don't think it's very related to us. But later on all the time, you will find that these are very helpful information that are embedded in your mind and the back of your head. So when you grow, you just do marry someone that you can live with. But you should always look for someone you can't live without and there's two different attitudes when it comes to who I want to spend the rest of my life with. Thank you very much for being great participant tonight, and see Shala next week set Amati corner