In Laws Or Out Laws

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Waleed Basyouni

Channel: Waleed Basyouni

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Episode Transcript

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hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu wa sallam are ashrafi mbi or masa de la Vina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi h nine, All Praise to Allah and His praise and blessings and peace be upon our Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his family, his companions, and his followers until the day of judgment, and all the prophets and the messengers, and their followers. My dear brothers and sisters, today, I will talk about a very sensitive topic for some people. It's about in laws. And I call this episodes and laws or outlaws, because there is such reputation for and laws. And I was always wondering, why is this bad negative reputation for em Lowe's. And guess what, it's not

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only related to one culture, or related to even one religion, it's it's a very common almost in every culture I visited and the word from the Far East all the way to the west, the Middle East and Africa, Asia, you name it, Europe and America, South America, they're always bad reputation for end loss. That's why I asked myself, is it really there is a problem with n loads? Is it reality, or just exaggeration? Even though I start googling it? in laws, what's it going to get first a positive things or negative I remember, one of the links that I saw what you should do if you miss your mother in law. So I said, Maybe this is a good link. When I click on it, I got after the link says

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what you should do if you miss your mother in law, then I found when I went to that link, it says reload and try again. Unfortunately, so I said to myself, this is so negative, this is so bad. You know Hamdulillah, I never had this problem as a person. I don't know a lot of people, a lot of friends, a lot of relatives, they don't have this problem with mother in law or father in law. But a lot of sisters call and complain a lot of brothers complain that they having a hardship with their in laws. As I said, it's not only related to one culture to one religion, did extend one of the books of the phip said, the quality of a good wife, when you look for a wife, what kind of quality

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you should look for, after dimension, all the famous qualities they said, and she should be a woman who has no mother, she's a woman who has no mother. This is terrible. And I think this is not right at all. And I disagree with putting it like this, that mother in law and father in law are evil, because I think they are parents, they just love their parents. Today, I would like to discuss this issue and give maybe some practical solutions. If you are facing a hardship with your in laws. What are the common reasons for these problems to happen? What are the common reasons for these problems to happen? One, their own type of love and jealousy that the parents has towards their daughter in

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law or son in law. What I mean by that so many parents when their daughter or their son

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get married, they start feeling jealous. So the mother will feel that that her son, he doesn't love her anymore. And he loves his wife more. Or she will feel that her daughter She doesn't care about her anymore or what she cared about her husband this new life he or he got so the parents will start getting angry and they will start getting jealous and they will start interfering in their son or their daughter's life and the problems are starts. We have to understand that love is not one kind. There is different categories of love. There is different types of love. Love is not one thing, the way I love my wife is totally different than the way I love my friends. The way I love my parents is

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still

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totally different than the way I love certain type of food or certain type of drinks. For example, I love to drink coffee. My mother never felt jealous that I love coffee. She didn't feel that she was fed by that love, you might love your friends, you love your friends. But the feeling that type of flow that you have towards your friends towards for example, a pet maybe that you have at home, or the car that you drive is totally different than the type of flow that you have towards your wife. The same the way I love Allah, the way I love the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is messenger, the way I love the religion, it's different than the kind of flower the tub before that I have in my

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heart, towards my wife, or towards my kids, it's totally different type of love. If this been said, we have to understand that the way your son or your daughter love, his or her spouse is totally different than the way he loves you as a parents. So don't be ever feel threat by that love, which is given from your daughter, your son to their spouse, because this will not contradict will not contradict that the love that they have in their heart towards you. If this can be understood, I think a lot of problems can be eliminated in early time. So always remember that the way that your son love you the way your daughter love you, it is different than the type of love that they have

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towards their spouses. One of the main reasons I believe, for these problems to happen, that so many parents they don't understand, then you the new stage of life that their children's are in right now, they still think that their children's are the same one that they used to live at their homes before they get married. Now you have to understand that your son or your daughter, after they get married, they get into another stage of life. You cannot treat your children all the time. In the same way, when he or she is a teenager, or on the became adult on they became married and they became father and mothers, he cannot treat them the same, maybe still look at them the same. But you

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know what, they have moved to another stage of life. And smart parents will understand this, and will adjust themselves with that. This is a very important point. Understand that you cannot interfere with everything in your daughter's or your son's life anymore, that they have their life, they have also their privacy, they have their own time they have theirs, you have to give them their space basically. And understanding this will help you a lot to avoid problems with your daughter in law or your son in law. Also, I think one of the reason for these problems to happen, which is from the children side this time, that because so many brothers and sisters, after they get married, they

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don't fulfill their parents rights. Basically, he or she they got married, and all of a sudden, they get so busy in marriage, and this marriage life, and they don't contact their parents anymore. They don't basically call them or visit them or support them as they used to be. They don't show the compassion, the love that they used to show them when they were living with them. So what happened, the father and the mother, because they love their children so much, they will not think negatively about their children, what they will do, they will think that the reason for that his wife, the reason for that his

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or her husband, then they will accuse the husband or the wife for this. And so many times it's not true. The problems emphasis is from the son himself or the daughter. Also one of the reason for these problems to happen, that the marriage will happen without the knowledge or the approval of the parents. And when this happened, don't expect that they will be just fine and cool with it. No, they will not. They will always have this in their heart against this man or this woman. They will always feel that they were not consulted, that they were left out that they did not share their son or their daughter, the most important moment in their life, which is the moment of their marriage. So

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so many problems happen because the parents were not consulted or they don't know or they don't approve this marriage in the beginning. So after marriage, they will still carry this in their heart and they will cause problems to their children's also

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As the parents, they already have a certain image of for their son in law, if they already have perception, certain perception about their son in law, or their daughter in law, if you have this already programmed in their mind, they will understand every action that you do in a negative way, I think these are the main reason for these problems to happen in that marriage life of the children's. And inshallah, when we come back after the break, we'll talk about some important tips to avoid these problems.

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won't come back, after we talked about that, common reasons or problems to happen or to cause by father in law and mother in law. We'll talk about some important tips, important tips to avoid problems with in laws, one,

00:11:02--> 00:11:52

this will be directed to that husband and to the wife. Always remember that your father in law and your mother in law are the parents of your spouse. Remember that so many times the wife, she doesn't realize that this is his father and his mother. And so many times the husband does not realize that you know what this is your wives, parents, they are so dear to her, they are so dear to him. This is my father, this is my mother. This is the one that I know since I came to this life before even I know my wife, or I know my husband, sometimes the husband will ask his wife to treat his parents or to look at them the same way he feels towards them. That's absolutely wrong, it will never happen,

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you're mistaken. So make sure that you understand this because they have rights over their daughter, they have rights over their son. Don't forget that, to try to understand the culture and the personality of your in laws. If you married to somebody from a different culture, let's say somebody from Africa, married to somebody from Europe, or somebody from the Middle East, married to a sister from India, for example, this two different culture, make sure that you understand their culture, make sure that you understand your father in law, your mother in law's culture, and you understand their personality, so you know how to deal with them. Because sometimes we say things and certain

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culture does not mean any harm. But in other culture, it could be very insulting. So these things will help you to have better relationship with your own laws to know what the expecting from their daughter in laws, they will you know what they expected from their son in law, this will help you a lot to come closer to your end laws. Three, pre understanding each party's limit from the beginning. And this is very important that you set this limit from the beginning. For instance, I am responsible, I'm in charge of raising my children. I don't want my children to watch movies, for example, when she has bad seen your children go to your parents or her parents house where they put

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the TV and maybe there is not suitable movies on the TV and you don't want your children to see such things. There are certain games you don't want your children to have, because you think they are not good for them. So make sure that you tell them when it comes to my children. When it comes to my son and my daughter, please make sure that my view or my why. And my orders will not be broken or my rules will not be broken. Talk about it openly from the beginning. So each party know their limits. Also, one of the tips will help you don't live with your in laws in the same house as much as you can. This is very important to have your own private place, every woman and every man would like to

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be independent. So make sure that you understand this, you understand the need for this and you try that unless your father or mother needs you unless her father or her mother need her and they are sick or nobody else take care of them. This is a special case. But in general, try to have your own house next to them if this is possible. Also, one of the tips try to design the role that you want for your in laws to play in your children's life or in your life in general. keep them busy before they keep you busy. What I'm trying to say here, make sure that you designed for them the role that you want them to

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Play as it says, in your children's life, for example, you tell the grandparents, I want you to be in charge of teaching my kids, the salaat of the Quran, or the surah, I want you to play this role in my life, because don't expect your in laws will just forget about you totally, and your children know, they would live to have a role in your life. So make sure that you design this for them.

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consult them, but don't complain to them. There is a big difference between consulting them and complaining to them. If your husband giving you a hard time, and you go to your mother in law and your father in law, and you start complaining, complaining complaining, and also the husband do the same thing with his parents, what's going to happen, the parents will take immediately and negative position against your spouse. And it's sometimes very hard for them to change that. Very hard for them to change that, while when you come back home and you meet your spouse, and you can solve the whole entire problems. And you're okay with her or she's okay with you. But she Guess what, the

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damage that you have made at your parents house is still there, that negative impression that they have about your husband or your wife is still very settled in their mind. So don't complain to them, consult them. And there is a big difference between these two things. Also, give them gifts. HIF has a magic touch, it has a very powerful power, impact on people's. So give them gifts and aid. In happy occasions, make sure that you visit them, but don't visit too much. Because in general, visiting somebody too much, it will cause that the person will be bored by this visitation. So visit them often, but not too often.

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Also, don't involve your in laws in the details of your life. Give them a general picture, but the detail the smallest details in your life, it might be good idea if you see that there is a problem having between union laws to keep the small details for yourself and inside your house and not to share it with anybody unless there is a need for it.

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Be a good wife, be a good husband. So nobody will have a chance to criticize you. So they will not have any anything to say against you. And as much as we became a good husband and a good wife. And we keep a good relationship with each other. We love one another. We are very happy family as much as the parents will be happy. Because believe me, my brothers and sisters, the last things any parents would like to see, to see their daughter or their son living in misery. Every father and every mother would love to see their children's happy and their life, happy in their life. Also, be just unfair. Be just unfair, and be forgiving. Because they might do something to you. You don't

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like or maybe your mother in law said something bothered you. Maybe your father in law did something and it was not nice to you. But you know what, forgive him, and know that no matter what happened, they still they still the parents of my husband is still the parents of my wife, and they deserve. They deserve to be forgiven, and deserve to be loved. Because they are the one who brought this man to my life. Or they are the one who brought this woman to my life.

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Also my brother, sister be fair and just some people not just at all when they deal with their parents with their father in law, or mother in law. And as I said, as you all know, that justice is something Allah Subhana Allah commanded us to have an injustice is an act. It's a sin, and it's actually a major sin. And Allah Subhana Allah made injustice forbidden. And finally, I would like to say, let small things go. You know, it's very important not to pick an every single word your mother in law, say, or your father in law say, just let small things go. And that will help you a lot will help you a lot and eliminated so many problems with your in laws. In the end, I have a word of

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advice for every father in law and mother in law. One, give your children the chance to gain their own experience in life. trust them. Don't be mad or angry. If your advice was not taken or implemented. He just advised them and don't be mad or angry at all if we don't take your advice. So basically what you need to do you give them the chance to

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develop their own experience. This is the nature of every human being. Maybe you were like that, when you just get married.

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also advise rather than ordering, and discuss rather than fright. Don't threaten, don't threat your daughter, Don't raise your son, don't always say, you know what I don't know you, I don't want to talk to you, I'm angry at you, I'm mad at you, Allah will take you to the whole file. Don't ever talk to me again. And don't come over to my house. Again, this is not the way to deal with your children, this is not the way to end to make your point at all, discuss whatever you have with your daughter, or your son, advise them, don't give them orders. Because this is the way you should treat your children when they grow up, and they became adult. Be confidence in your children's love. Be

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confident in your children's love. Mitch, always remember that your children's love you so much. And that new element in their life, which is the husband or the wife, it doesn't mean that they lost their love towards you know, they still love you so much. But maybe they are busy with their new life with their children's with their spouse. So don't be threatened by that. Don't be scared, don't let fear drive you. Make sure that you always have this confidence in your heart towards your children. Don't involve yourself in the details of your children's life. Don't involve yourself in the details of your children's life. Always remember that every generation, they have their own

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style of life, they have their own way of communication. And it does not need to be the same way you communicate with your spouse, for example, origin and so many places, all generation they used to communicate in certain ways father and mothers or Gen generations is different. But sometimes from one culture to another, maybe your son or your daughter, develop a new culture, not facility be the same culture that you are, that you're living, especially if you're living in a different country, for example, somebody moved to America move to Europe, they have children usually develop a new culture. So don't expect your son or your daughter, and your son in law and your daughter in law to

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deal and to communicate with the same way that you communicate with your wife or your husband. So many times I hear parents said, Oh, you know, when I get married to your father, I used to do this and that, you know, when we were young, we used Yes, because this is your generation, this is at your time, but not necessarily today. Today, live is different. And people develop different culture. So make sure that you understand that. And again, to give them a chance to gain their own experience in life. Remember, that you are not in a competition with your son in law or your daughter in law. Don't feel that way. Don't feel that you are in competition with your daughter's

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husband, or with your husband's wife, who is going to take over the heart of my son or my daughter. No, it's not the competition. You know, you complete one another, you are a big family. This is the spirit that that should be in the house. This is the way that you should look to your son in law and to your daughter in law. And finally, to all my brothers and sisters, to all father in law's and mother in law's. Remember to be always an element of success in your children's in your children's life can be a source of stress or trouble. To your children's be always an element of success of positive things and their life. May Allah Subhana Allah to bring happiness and to success to all

00:24:04--> 00:24:09

Muslims family and to all families in the Word of Allah wa salam ala nabina Muhammad.

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marriage will happen without the knowledge or the approval of the parents. And when this happened, don't expect that they will be just

00:25:00--> 00:25:46

Fine and cool with it, no, they will not, they will always have this in their heart against this man or this woman, they will always feel that they were not consulted, that they were left out that they did not share their son or their daughter, the most important moment in their life, which is the moment of their marriage. So, so many problems that happen because the parents were not consulted, or they don't know, or they don't approve this marriage in the beginning. So after marriage, they will still carry this in their heart, and they will cause problems to their children's. Also, as the parents, they already have a certain image for their son in law. And they really have perception,

00:25:46--> 00:26:15

certain perception about their son in law, or their daughter in law. If we have this already programmed in their mind, they will understand every action that you do in a negative way, I think these are the main reason for these problems to happen in the marriage life of the children's. And inshallah, when we come back after the break, we'll talk about some important tips to avoid these problems.

00:26:20--> 00:26:40

won't come back, after we talked about that. common reasons or problems to happen or to cause by father in law and mother in law. We'll talk about some important tips, important tips to avoid problems with in laws, one,

00:26:42--> 00:27:33

this will be directed to that husband and to the wife. Always remember that your father in law and your mother in law are the parents of your spouse. Remember that so many times the wife, she doesn't realize that this is his father and his mother. And so many times the husband does not realize that you know what this is your wives, parents, they are so dear to her, they are so dear to him. This is my father, this is my mother is the one that I know since I came to this life. Before even I know my wife, or I know my husband, sometimes the husband will ask his wife to treat his parents or to look at them the same way he feels towards them. That's absolutely wrong, it will never happen, you're

00:27:33--> 00:28:19

mistaken. So make sure that you understand this because they have rights over their daughter, they have rights over their son. Don't forget that, to try to understand the culture and the personality of your in laws. If you married to somebody from a different culture, let's say somebody from Africa, married to somebody from Europe, or somebody from the Middle East, married to a sister from India, for example. There's two different culture, make sure that you understand their culture. Make sure that you understand your father in law, your mother in law's culture, and you understand their personality. So you know how to deal with them. Because sometimes we say things in certain culture

00:28:19--> 00:29:10

does not mean any harm. But in other culture, it could be very insulting. So these things will help you to have better relationship with your own laws to know what the expecting from their daughter in laws, they will you know what they expected from their son in law. This will help you a lot to come closer to your end laws. Three, understanding each party's limit from the beginning. And this is very important that you set this limit from the beginning. For instance, I am responsible, I'm in charge of raising my children. I don't want my children to watch movies. For example, when she has bad seen your children go to your parents or her parents house where they put the TV and maybe there

00:29:10--> 00:29:59

is not suitable movies on the TV and you don't want your children to see such things. There are certain games you don't want your children to have because you think they are not good for them. So make sure that you tell them when it comes to my children. When it comes to my son and my daughter, please make sure that my view or my why and my orders will not be broken or my rules will not be broken. Talk about it openly from the beginning so each party know their limits. Also, one of the tips will help you don't live with your in laws in the same house as much as you can. This is very important to have your own private place. Every woman and every man would like to be independent

00:30:00--> 00:30:45

Make sure that you understand this, you understand the need for this and you try that unless your father or mother needs you, unless her father or her mother need her, and they are sick or nobody else taking care of them. This is a special case. But in general, try to have your own house next to them if this is possible. Also, one of the tips, try to design the role that you want for your in laws to play in your children's life, or in your life in general. keep them busy before they keep you busy. What I'm trying to say here, make sure that you designed for them the role that you want them to play, as it says in your children's life. For example, you tell the grandparents, I want you

00:30:45--> 00:31:04

to be in charge of teaching my kids, the salaat of the Quran, or the surah, I want you to play this role in my life. Because don't expect your in laws will just forget about you totally, and your children know, they would live to have a role in your life. So make sure that you design this for them.

00:31:07--> 00:31:53

consult them, but don't complain to them. There is a big difference between consulting them and complaining to them. If your husband giving you a hard time, and you go to your mother in law and your father in law, and you start complaining, complaining complaining. And also the husband did the same thing with his parents, what's going to happen, the parents will take immediately and negative position against your spouse. And it's sometimes very hard for them to change that. Very hard for them to change that. While when you come back home and you meet your spouse, and you can solve the whole entire problems. And you're okay with her, she's okay with you. But she guess what the damage

00:31:53--> 00:32:39

that you have made at your parents house is still there, that negative impression that they have about your husband or your wife is still there settled in their mind. So don't complain to them, consult them. And there is a big difference between these two things. Also, give them gifts gift has a magic touch, it has a very powerful power, impact on people's. So give them gifts and aid. In happy occasions, make sure that you visit them, but don't visit too much. Because in general, visiting somebody too much, it will cause that the person will be bored by this visitation. So visit them often, but not too often.

00:32:40--> 00:33:07

Also, don't involve your in laws in the details of your life. Give them a general picture, but the detail the smallest details in your life, it might be good idea if you see that there is a problem having between union laws to keep the small details for yourself and inside your house and not to share it with anybody unless there is a need for it.

00:33:09--> 00:33:57

Be a good wife, be a good husband. So nobody will have a chance to criticize you. So they will not have any anything to say against you. And as much as we became a good husband, a good wife, and we keep a good relationship with each other. We love one another. We are very happy family as much as the parents will be happy. Because believe me, my brothers and sisters, the last things any parents would like to see, to see their daughter or their son living in misery. Every father and every mother would love to see their children's happy and their life, happy in their life. Also, be just unfair. Be just unfair, and be forgiving. Because they might do something to you you don't like or

00:33:57--> 00:34:27

maybe your mother in law said something bothered you. Maybe your father in law did something and it was not nice to you. But you know what, forgive them and know that no matter what happened, they still they still the parents of my husband is still the parents of my wife, and they deserve. They deserve to be forgiven, and deserve to be loved. Because they are the one who brought this man to my life. Or they are the one who brought this woman to my life.

00:34:28--> 00:35:00

Also my brother, sister be fair and just some people not just at all when they deal with their parents with their father in law or mother in law. And as I said, as you all know, that justice is something Allah Subhana Allah commanded us to have an injustice is an act. It's a sin, and it's actually a major sin. And Allah Subhana Allah made injustice forbidden. And finally, I would like to say, let small things go. You know, it's very important not to pick an every single

00:35:00--> 00:35:47

Word your mother in law, say, or your father in law say, just let small things go. And that will help you a lot will help you a lot and eliminated so many problems with your in laws. In the end, I have a word of advice for every father in law and mother in law. One, give your children the chance to gain their own experience in life, trust them. Don't be mad or angry. If your advice was not taken or implemented, you just advise them and don't be mad or angry at all, if they don't take your advice. So basically, what you need to do, you give them the chance to develop their own experience. This is the nature of every human being. Maybe you were like that, when you just get married.

00:35:48--> 00:36:40

also advise rather than ordering, and discuss rather than write, don't threaten. Don't fret your daughter, don't forget your son, don't always say you know what, I don't know you, and I don't want to talk to you, I'm angry at you, I'm mad at you alone will take you to the home file. Don't ever talk to me again. And don't come over to my house. Again, this is not the way to deal with your children, this is not the way to end to make your point at all, discuss whatever you have with your daughter, or your son, advise them, don't give them orders. Because this is the way you should treat your children when they grow up, and they became adult. Be confidence in your children's love. Be

00:36:40--> 00:37:30

confidence in your children's love. Always remember that your children's love you so much. And that new element in their life, which is the husband or the wife, it doesn't mean that they lost their love towards you know, they still love you so much. But maybe they are busy with their new life with their children's with their spouse. So don't be threatened by that. Don't be scared, don't let fear drive you. Make sure that you always have this confidence in your heart towards your children. Don't involve yourself in the details of your children's life. Don't involve yourself in the details of your children's life. Always remember that every generation, they have their own style of life, they

00:37:30--> 00:38:12

have their own way of communication. And it does not need to be the same way you communicate with your spouse, for example, origin and so many places old generation they used to communicate in certain ways, fathers and mothers. But young generations is different. Sometimes from one culture to another, maybe your son or your daughter develop a new culture, not necessarily to be the same culture that you are, in that you're living, especially if you're living in a different country, for example, somebody moved to America move to Europe, their children usually develop a new culture. So don't expect your son or daughter and your son in law and your daughter in law to deal and to

00:38:12--> 00:38:56

communicate with the same way that you communicate with your wife or your husband. So many times I hear parents said, Oh, you know, when I get married to your father, I used to do this and that, you know, when we were young, we used Yes, because this is your generation, this is at your time, but not necessarily today. Today, live is different. And people develop different culture. So make sure that you understand that. And again, to give them a chance to gain their own experience in life. Remember, that you are not in a competition with your son in law or your daughter in law. Don't feel that way. Don't feel that you're in competition with your daughter's husband, or with your husband's

00:38:56--> 00:39:45

wife, who is going to take over the heart of my son or my daughter. No, it's not the competition. You know, you complete one another, you are a big family. This is the spirit that that should be in the house. This is the way that you should look to your son in law and to your daughter in law. And finally, to all my brothers and sisters, to all father in law's and mother in laws. Remember to be always an element of success in your children's in your children's life. Don't be a source of stress, or trouble. To your children's be always an element of success of positive things in their life. May Allah Subhana Allah Allah to bring happiness and to success to all Muslims family and to

00:39:45--> 00:39:49

all families in the Word of Allah wa salam ala nabina Muhammad