Seeking a Partner The Islamic Guidelines – Sheikh Abdullah Chaabau

Umm Jamaal ud-Din


Channel: Umm Jamaal ud-Din

File Size: 104.51MB

Episode Notes

Share Page

Episode Transcript ©


Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate and at times crude. We are considering building a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system. No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever.

00:00:00--> 00:00:06

Bismillah Alhamdulillah he also had to sit down or notice that he or that it was a happy moment

00:00:10--> 00:00:15

said Mr. Aiken everyone, I'll be your host for today's event.

00:00:16--> 00:00:23

First of all start by saying sir I condition Abdullah and share her own jamaludin or Salah now.

00:00:24--> 00:00:34

Now before we start the event will give a quick introduction. So obviously marriage is a topic that's very stressed and emphasized within Islam.

00:00:36--> 00:00:52

It's a topic where Allah subhanaw taala describes in the Quran, he says when the vessel the convert into the vessel and so he says your wives are garments for you husbands and you are going for them. And then we have in our Hadith many Hadith from some loss of them were in one of them, we say something he says that something like

00:00:53--> 00:01:31

marriage like a righteous wife is once half of a state. So now we've had deeds and various Quranic verses like that we're live in the beautiful he describes how to maintain an Islamic relation where he says stuff like what are the more young physical put forth for yourself. It's important to learn about marriage before embarking in such a journey. Just like how before choosing a degree, you learn more about your degree or before selecting a car. You'd research more in circa and it's important we do the same put the same emphasis or even a stronger emphasis on marriage especially. So with that being said,

00:01:32--> 00:02:13

we'll just get started with the event. However, before that, I'll quickly introduce the speakers. So first of all, joining us is Scheffer, Anja, mellow Dean, who has a Bachelor in luck who has a bachelor's degree in film and also from a Medina University. And she's been a teacher of Quranic verse Islamic study sciences atmosphere SONET in Sydney for over 14 years. She's the one day public speaker and teacher woman for more than 20 years, was delivered many talks both nationally and internationally. She's obviously a very passionate Shahar and whose handler been a very good role model for the sisters within Australia. And secondly, joining us is Chef Abdullah Chabot from,

00:02:14--> 00:02:24

from the EMA. He's the head of the Religious Affairs there. He studies on the various scholars and Hashem specifically completing his degree in the University of Tripoli in Lebanon.

00:02:26--> 00:02:40

And he's also a marriage counselor at the EMA. So inshallah we have two heavyweights over here, and Inshallah, they will help us learn more about such an important topic. So with that being said, with the introductions out of the way

00:02:43--> 00:02:45

it will get, we'll just dive straight into it.

00:02:47--> 00:02:55

Alright, so, so Inshallah, like, the structure of the event is going to be pretty flexible. It's like a panel Bomer, for discussion as well.

00:02:56--> 00:03:33

So we're going to start off with the actual structures of America. So we'll start off with how to, like, first initially, what is the merge the intentions behind it, and then we'll move on to approaching like approaching or, you know, like proposing to a spouse. And then after that, we'll move on to the talking stage of the actual relationship, what is it was entailed, and so forth. And then Inshallah, we'll also have a part two of this event. And unfortunately, Sharon German won't be joining us because she has exams. But in the Part Two event, we have Shekar bola who would be covering emotional intelligence, and the actual rights and responsibilities that emerge in sales. So

00:03:34--> 00:03:42

with that being said, I'll say that Excel post this question to first off Shell, Chevron Jamin within, so

00:03:44--> 00:04:00

just say, if you're ready, we'll just the question is just to recalibrate my intentions. What should intentions be before undergoing in marriage? What is the importance of marriage as an how does it impact the Muslim woman as a whole? So if you could start off start us off with that question, much appreciate.

00:04:03--> 00:04:10

Sean Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah wala le or Sophie, women were there.

00:04:11--> 00:04:16

So first of all, just want to, you know, Sage's up on my hair on for inviting me onto this panel.

00:04:18--> 00:04:22

So with regards to marriage, obviously, this is a very important

00:04:24--> 00:04:29

it's like the bedrock of our holsters, Islamic society. So we really

00:04:30--> 00:04:48

need to pay a great deal of attention to it. And in particularly this part of the marriage is is really very important. It's probably the it's probably the most important part because it's like, your whole framework for what's going to happen after that. So choosing the spouse from the very beginning is the most crucial factor actually, in

00:04:49--> 00:04:57

you know, inshallah mainly determines the success and outcomes of that marriage later on.

00:04:59--> 00:05:00

But look, I just want

00:05:00--> 00:05:15

I mentioned something like, and that is that what we are finding, and this is actually a worldwide phenomenon, where we're seeing that people in general are delaying marriage, for different reasons, for various reasons. But it is actually

00:05:17--> 00:05:30

it is actually occurring Islamic communities around the world. So it's not necessarily that there's different reasons why that's happening. But I think it's really important that we have have a look at some of the factors. That's,

00:05:31--> 00:05:46

that's contributing to many, there's many, many unmarried males and females, we're not just talking about females, we're talking about even males around the world, a lot of people are having either difficulty, or they're just, you know, they're not.

00:05:48--> 00:06:05

Like, there's a, there's multiple reasons, but like, I just want to highlight some of those guys, I think it's important to speak about because, as I said, it's, it's problematic in that if we start making that, you know, like a trend, then, you know, this can also lead to obviously,

00:06:07--> 00:06:08

you know,

00:06:10--> 00:06:22

building relationships as well, people can fall into that more easily if they're delaying marriage for too long. And then also, sometimes, you know, it can over time become even more difficult to actually find

00:06:23--> 00:06:38

the partner that you were, you would have preferred to have have been with. So it's, it's something you really have to consider. What I normally always, as I mentioned, to what I normally always would advise someone is

00:06:39--> 00:06:57

be really open to marriage from the very beginning, like, don't close that door. Like if someone really good comes along, you know, don't close that door. Because that person someone's similar may not ever come back your way again, you don't try to say so I think just be really open about it to it.

00:06:59--> 00:07:34

And the thing is, especially the case of a lot of sisters, right? I'm not just saying sisters, and brothers, but with sisters, they sometimes might think that, you know, if I accept this proposal now, you know, how am I going to finish my studies? Or how am I going to do that job I want to do, but I mean, look, that those kind of things can be negotiated from the beginning, as long as the person you're speaking about is the right person for you, you know, I mean, as in, they're going to be accepting, you know, what you want to do and stuff like that, sort of, of course, you have a right to, you know, try to work out whether that's a suitable arrangement for you.

00:07:35--> 00:07:44

But I just want to mention some of the factors that we're seeing of why people are on in general, delaying marriage. So there's some common factors around the world. So I'm

00:07:45--> 00:07:58

one of them, as I said, He's because, you know, people are continuing to educate, they are pursuing higher education, which is a good thing, it's not something wrong to the sort of higher education, but we also don't want it to come at the expense of,

00:07:59--> 00:08:35

you know, a really good opportunity for marriage. I mean, me myself, I just want to mention to just for the sisters to understand something, um, I actually must have got married at, I was actually, like, I had my neighbor at 20, you know, and I just want I mentioned that, that did not stop me from going on, and, you know, completing my heritage, higher education, like I finished my university degree, after I actually had some kids, I've actually a handle so far, I've done two degrees, and I'm in my third degree now, alongside, I'll holler at other studies, right, so I just want to just put that out there that just because and I did work after marriage for well, too. So it's not like,

00:08:36--> 00:08:46

just because you accept, you know, marriage at an earlier age that that means is necessarily that you know, you have to give up on your, all your, you know, everything that you want to do. Okay.

00:08:47--> 00:08:57

But besides that, some of the other reasons that we're seeing is just, there is a common mindset that has developed where,

00:08:58--> 00:09:03

for different reasons, sometimes it can be like, a lot of people don't want to take on responsibility anymore. Like definitely, like, you know,

00:09:04--> 00:09:13

there's a lot of responsibility in marriage, and, you know, I just love my freedom. This is kind of, you know, outlook towards marriage,

00:09:14--> 00:09:28

that can sometimes be the cause of maybe the fan, like maybe the family that you may have had certain things happen been exposed to something in your family that may have may give you a kind of negative more of a negative understanding of what marriage is about. But, um,

00:09:30--> 00:09:48

that's where I would actually consider, you know, advising someone to even consider, you know, speaking to like a counselor or something like that, if, if you have had some sort of like, maybe a damaging understanding of what marriage is about, it might be worthwhile to actually you know, seek out some counseling for yourself so that you can

00:09:50--> 00:10:00

sort of just understand where things didn't go right in your own family that you know, Inshallah, you can try to avoid those mistakes, you know, in your future, but, like, look, there are a lot of people out

00:10:00--> 00:10:33

there who are happily married. And unfortunately in the Muslim community, we tend to, because we were worried about people making Hassani our marriages, like people will tend to downplay their happy marriage, you know, I'm trying to say, but I just want to let people know that there really are a lot of people out there in happy marriages. Because we all we ever do here in unfortunately, Muslim community is about the divorces, the abuse, you know, and a lot of people could get the feeling that there's no good men left or there's no good women left. And it's not true. There's actually a lot of good women out there a lot of good men. So I just want to put that out there that

00:10:34--> 00:10:58

I think that's really important that we have a positive approach towards marriage. You know, we shouldn't be coming towards marriage feeling like you know what hope is there for me I'm most likely gonna get divorced, you know, I'm trying to say so it's, if we have those kind of misgivings, I would really advise people to as I said, think about doing some counseling there's never any harm in doing a bit of that and maybe going over some stuff that maybe you've had some sort of trauma and stuff you know,

00:10:59--> 00:11:02

I don't talk too much I'll let Sheikh Abdullah speak for a bit

00:11:04--> 00:11:11

there's there's a lot more I could say I could probably talk the whole night but I'll just um, I'll let shake up the last Sunday to say inshallah.

00:11:15--> 00:11:18

Inshallah, take this now from the LAOs, Muslim,

00:11:20--> 00:11:20


00:11:22--> 00:11:54

First we praise Allah subhana wa, Ireland's blessings upon His Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam does not have to the brothers and the sisters were put together this, this event, malice pantalla reward all of those who were involved, and it's a very much needed topic to be discussed, especially on the university level. I think just to know the the ins and outs and the halal haram, what's missing, what's missing or what should I be looking for?

00:11:55--> 00:11:59

As changeability mentioned with regards to a lot of these matters

00:12:01--> 00:12:34

it's something that we need to understand it's something that we need to have the knowledge of Allah Allah as follows, when they speak about the matters of engagement, and the matters of marriage and so forth, and one phrase that caught me once was that these matters, that the general person should know these are matters that the general layman should know when it comes to the engagement when it comes to what is allowed, what is not allowed, what changes what doesn't change, and so forth. Just to just to

00:12:35--> 00:12:41

the point that the brother mentioned zone okay. With regards to the intention,

00:12:43--> 00:12:58

what is the intention of marriage and what should my intention be Now, to begin with, unfortunately, in in Muslim society today, one issue that we face is sort of downplaying the importance of intention

00:12:59--> 00:13:08

and disregarding the importance of intention, whereas our scholars are gonna be pleased with them, used to be of the

00:13:09--> 00:13:31

the normality of them to begin their books to begin the any topics and to begin their lessons with the known Hadith, from Amara de la hora and for the procession, and he said, In the Mohamed Miyata, in the medical in in Manoa, that actions are by intention, and the person will be rewarded in accordance to the intention.

00:13:32--> 00:13:48

So, as the brother mentioned, knowing what the intention is the importance of the intention and how much the intention plays a role in the continuity of the action, the need the, the longevity of the marriage. So,

00:13:50--> 00:14:28

the the greater intention I put towards something like marriage, for example, the more intention I put towards it, the greater purpose that marriage is going to have. So, when I have the intention that I'm getting married to, for example, to complete half of my religion as in the base of the light, excellent. He said, When I get married with the intention that I want to please Allah subhanaw taala when I get married with the intention that I want to preserve my chastity, I want to protect myself from fitna, I want to protect myself from the Haram when I get married with the intention of wanting to increase in the progeny of the OOB of Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, as the

00:14:28--> 00:14:59

professor seldom mentioned in a different Hadith with regards to having children, when I get married with all of these intentions to get closer to Allah Santana to strengthen my Eman to strengthen my position in the Muslim society, for example, in Australia, to strengthen when I have all of these different intentions when it comes to marriage and the purpose of my marriage has has increased what the purpose of my marriage has listed, rather than the intention of my marriage being to fulfill a desire the intention of my marriage

00:15:00--> 00:15:12

to fit into society, the intention of my marriage being because other people are doing it, or because other people are falling or going down that path, when I have a correct attention,

00:15:13--> 00:15:48

then the longevity of the action that I've intended to do, will continue and go on. And that's one of the One of the downfalls unfortunately, that a lot of marriages have today why because the intention is limited, the intention is limited, the intention is limited sometimes to fulfillment of desire, but that desire is fulfilled, what is after it? What comes after the fulfillment of desire, what what existence What purpose does this relationship does this companionship have have listened to Alan, any I mean, he and Haleakala Camino physical as virgin, it may have been our

00:15:49--> 00:16:33

only best luck, man to me, based on all of these beautiful words that are used, this could really have, know what the neighbors should know, and so forth. All of these purposes, if my idea of marriage is not that this is what marriage in Islam is, this is what marriage that Allah, Allah mentions in the Quran is and I intend to have that in my marriage, then it's going to be difficult to, to bring it and introduce it into the marriage at a later stage, it might be able to, you might be able to introduce with hard work with counseling with all of these things. But it's going to be harder than introducing these matters. In the beginning of the marriage, and introducing this idea

00:16:33--> 00:17:11

and this intention, at the beginning of the marriage that it will have sort of towards the end of its focus, give some give some attention to your intention, when it comes to the metal of marriage, give some attention to it. Why am I doing this? For what purpose? What reason? From a brother's any perspective? Why am I going to take this girl with the sister? Why am I going to get married from her? Take her from her father's house and make her money? Be a husband for her? Why am I doing that? What purpose? Am I doing that? And the same thing from the sisters perspective? Why am I getting married to this person? For what purpose? For what reason? Why am I going to step outside of the

00:17:11--> 00:17:25

house of my father, the house of protection? Generally speaking, the house of my father, the house of protection, the house of security, I'm stepping out of that house, for what purpose? For what reason? And that's why we need to give a bit of attention to that

00:17:28--> 00:18:07

certain little siren show and show him German. Now, okay, the next question is like, it's actually prevalent, like, I went to my school, obviously, and this thing is, you see a lot within the Muslim community. So why the Islamic white? Any this they think that the Islamic way of merging or perching and all that journey asking that to guilds, that's hand merge, and stuff like that. It's very, it's very lengthy. And so a lot of these people, what they do is they go on social media, that's just the go or vice versa. And, and yeah, just hidden ropes and that they get emotionally connected. And you see it a lot with my mates as well, they, they end up getting depressed and stuff like that. So

00:18:08--> 00:18:17

I guess the question is, is this manic way hard? Why the Islamic way over the secular non Islamic way? Like, is it actually easy?

00:18:19--> 00:18:22

So let's share her own DNA. So that first

00:18:23--> 00:18:23


00:18:24--> 00:18:33

me being a revert to Islam, I can tell I really appreciated the Islamic way to marriage. I mean, that's exactly how I married myself.

00:18:34--> 00:18:47

And let me tell you the benefits of it. And that is that when you meet your prospective spouse, there's no emotions attached. I mean, initially, and you're able to put everything on the table,

00:18:49--> 00:19:31

you're able to look at the person rationally, you know, is this person meeting the type of you know, do they have the, you know, the qualities I'm looking for? Are they you know, looking into them finding out about them, you know, without any emotions attached? Because we all know the same love is blind, right? So that really is a true statement. Like when you just develop a relationship with someone, sometimes you haven't even spoken about what your expectations are in marriage or anything like that. And that's why, you know, later on the track, you find it all out and it's too late, you know, so this is the major benefit of the Islamic approach. And, look, it's a shame and it's said

00:19:31--> 00:19:34

that a lot of people have overcomplicated the estimate.

00:19:36--> 00:19:59

You know, the semiquaver marriage isn't supposed to be complicated. And we're the ones complicating it. Like, we can see a lot of, you know, this is actually actually what was going going on about before was getting to before the reasons why we've seen like, there's such a basic a worldwide phenomenon of delaying marriage and a lot of it's got to do with us making everything

00:20:00--> 00:20:00

complicated, like,

00:20:02--> 00:20:07

we're seeing people becoming too big, too idealistic, about what to look for.

00:20:09--> 00:20:15

You know, like, because I think we're interested, very influenced by, you know, we're influenced by social media a lot.

00:20:17--> 00:20:19

You know, we're looking for that perfect image now.

00:20:21--> 00:20:48

That's one thing that doesn't help. And then on top of that, like, obviously, there's like, there's economic reasons as well. I mean, we've also, we're also seeing, and I'm sure that everyone can understand that, like, in Sydney, especially, we're seeing a really huge increase in for example, the dowries, like it's getting really, like some of them are getting very expensive. Like, if we go back 20 years ago, things things are a lot more simple, but that's becoming a lot more complicated now. You know, the weddings are becoming more

00:20:50--> 00:21:31

lavish. And that all of that makes it more difficult for people to get married. Like, there's greater expectations, like some families want, you know, they want the whole house furnished, they want, you know, they've got all these expectations. And, you know, that's not that's making it difficult for people. And we also have the problem of, like, a lot of people have, obviously, you know, migrated to Australia, nobody can find the spouse and exactly same nationality, like they, you know, and some families are not very open to allow me, we're having that flexibility in, you know, allowing a different nationality. This also causes, you know, this also

00:21:32--> 00:22:07

makes, you know, getting married. Difficult, right. So there's, we need to we as Muslims, all of us, you know, families, parents, I think even, you know, the leaders, they need to really start communicating to our congregations, the importance of really trying to encourage marriage, and, you know, and make it easy for people, it's becoming very difficult. And the more we make marriage difficult, the more we, you know, all the glare, like the Haram can seem, can seem as if it's the easy option, you know, I mean, so it's very important that we

00:22:08--> 00:22:14

really try to, you know, make marriage as easy as possible for everybody inshallah.

00:22:16--> 00:22:17


00:22:18--> 00:22:21

What about chef Abdullah, what about your thoughts? What do you think?

00:22:23--> 00:22:33

One thing, one thing to mention to begin with, which is of great importance on time, is to differentiate between the cultural,

00:22:34--> 00:22:39

the cultural way of marriage, and between the Islamic way of marriage.

00:22:40--> 00:22:57

Sometimes the cultural way might be of service to this lemak way, and sometimes the cultural way, it might not be in service of the Islamic way. So, a lot of a lot of times people tend to mistake culture for

00:22:58--> 00:23:31

what Islam sort of dictates when it comes to the metal of marriage, when it comes to the metal of sort of engaging kids. But the initial approach, if you want to call it, if you want to the that whole idea, between culture and between Islam, where is the, to what extent do we practice culture and to what extent would practice any 20 cents does that culture, any serve the Islamic sort of way of of doing things.

00:23:32--> 00:24:08

I'm a person who loves the old way. That's the only that's how I got married. And, and that's how any my marriage took place. I never spoke to my wife, I never engaged in any communication with my wife, prior to there being approached to her parents, and an approach to the visitation that used to take place between the suitor and between the family of the female that the truth is going to I'm going to visit that unfortunately, today is a bit difficult because

00:24:09--> 00:24:11

I got married overseas, personally, I didn't get married here.

00:24:12--> 00:24:29

So that service of any privilege, this sort of way of doing things is a lot more facilitated overseas. It's not so much facilitated over here. So that brings forth that that whole difficulty and the whole, wanting to sort of vacate

00:24:31--> 00:24:35

the whole thing of it's good to know period, we're getting to know

00:24:37--> 00:24:59

each other and we want to know each other before and he comes in he asks about me, to my family, and so forth. And this is something that is that is very dangerous. And as any chef I mentioned, the emotional attachment that can happen from behind this and just to mention Subhanallah today

00:25:00--> 00:25:05

I had a sister who was crying her eyes are crying her eyes up over the phone that any

00:25:08--> 00:25:26

my my fiance, his family is not allowing him to get married to me because we are from different tribes. They both have Gani background for example, they both have gaming background but each one is from a different tribe culturally that's a known culturally to the olds, old school

00:25:28--> 00:26:19

Afghanis sort of any parents that's a complete learning so here the idea the idea here is that they became an emotional attachment and emotional attachment I'm in love I love him he loves me and we are created for each other and I'm made doing any I'm praying dad you are making the app I'm doing all of these things specifically for this person to marry me and that's complex that's wrong specifically for this person any I mentioned to the sister today which is you cannot have any your your spiritual dependence your Eman dependence and your happiness and joy dependent on a creator on a creation so you can't have any my Eman and my my life my happiness and my this my that and so

00:26:19--> 00:26:41

forth is based purely on my marriage and my acceptance to this person and that is an emotional roller coaster that unfortunately many people don't survive many people don't survive and they go down an emotional emotional spiral that results in major haram results in any results in

00:26:43--> 00:27:00

men and women who have no religious contract between them of marriage being any committing Zina committing fornication prior to even marriage under the presidents of okay I want to try before this is something that is celebrity was never around.

00:27:01--> 00:27:07

This is something that Islamically was nothing the limit of any the hadith of in Derbyshire salaam Yaniv Palawan.

00:27:10--> 00:27:21

When the companion want to get married in the resort, Salam saw him in the streets of Medina. And he said to the Prophet salaam, I'm going to get married in the desert salami asked him, did you see her?

00:27:23--> 00:28:11

Did you see her? The companion said no, I didn't see her. Any look at the way and that was wrong in the visitor center pointed out that is wrong. He said no. Go and look at to go and look at her for Inaho au dem abena Kuma. So you know, you've never been in a coma. Yeah. And here, the idea is that the dictation of the Islamic teachings with regards to this meta to perfection, to perfection, you cannot go wrong in the following of the Islamic pathway when it comes to getting married. So the idea from behind this is well, I have a sister that that brother approaches her, I want to get to know you. I want to get to know you for the purpose of marriage, and so forth. Usually, that's how

00:28:11--> 00:28:28

it takes place, I want to get to know you for the purpose of marriage. So here the response of the sister should be say, okay, that's fine. That's I'm more than open and more than happy to do that. But in the presence of my family, in the presence of my guardian,

00:28:29--> 00:28:38

and the if that brother is truly sort of sincere in his wanting to get married, then his response will be that's only what I wanted.

00:28:40--> 00:29:23

That's only what I wanted. The response will be that I want your father's number, not the response will be that no, that's not get them involved at the moment. And let's leave them on the side. And let's get them involved. And let's just get to know each other exchange messages and and you can do that in the presence of the Father. You can do that in the presence of the need of the guilt. Why does it need to be done in secrecy? Why does we have a big issue with secrecy these days, we want to do everything discreetly, you want to do everything in secrecy. Whereas in Islam, these sort of matters shouldn't be done in that way. So the whole idea of any that's that's the first test from a

00:29:23--> 00:29:31

from a female's perspective, at least for low irlam from a female's perspective, that's the first test that the male shooter either passes or fails.

00:29:32--> 00:29:51

When he approaches her and says to her, I want to get to know you. I want to get married. And then the sister says, Zach law said, I'm looking to get married as well. This is my father's number, if you want to speak and can contact him if the if the brother here says yes, that's what I wanted. Then his past

00:29:52--> 00:29:59

and then his intention alo anime CC but if the brother turns around the says there's no need for that now there's just too much

00:30:00--> 00:30:11

each other, this just a direct message each other on Instagram On Facebook on Listen, net, and so forth, then that's when the sister here should say the opposite. But that's not the path that I want to take.

00:30:13--> 00:30:16

And it's not complicated. See any complication in that journey?

00:30:20--> 00:30:20

Hello, are the

00:30:22--> 00:30:23


00:30:24--> 00:31:03

you guys are free to answer the question for you will like, it's actually very easy and actually slim protects you from the emotionally attached. Now, with that being said, You both did mention how sometimes in our culture this kind of way or parents, you know, they restrict you from hiring at a certain age and so forth. So what I'm trying to ask is, what if your parents want you to hit a certain age gap before marriage or to be financially stable? Or, or you know, at least have some sort of career or business going on before you get married? But you're still at uni? And you do like someone? You know, they have good team good luck on the apparent so but they don't know your

00:31:03--> 00:31:10

partner. So how do you go around to any convincing parents? What do you do others? You know, you may fall into fitna or you know, you just

00:31:11--> 00:31:16

you just find to fit now, if parents are strictly so what do you do as, as kids?

00:31:18--> 00:31:21

Of the chef woman? In general, the next request the show?

00:31:23--> 00:31:33

I think, absolutely. Going back to just quickly what she called the lowest thing as well. Like if sisters can just see how much Islam protects you, especially as the female, you know, because ultimately,

00:31:35--> 00:32:08

you're like, I think this is have to realize that in this relationship, you are the most vulnerable one here, you can really get taken advantage of just try to consider how much is them does actually protect you don't see it as you know, it's making everything difficult to actually protect you in so many ways, right? But to your question, so what happens, okay, so look, sometimes you have to consider what your parents are telling you because maybe it is in your best interest to get your feet like flat on the ground, it's not easy to actually, like, if we're talking about the mayor here, it's not easy to

00:32:10--> 00:32:51

to actually pay the rent, support your wife, look, different families are in different situations that like a Hamdulillah, like I'm speaking from, also, I just want to mention here too, besides myself, having to I had to basically look for my like, you know, after the help of Allah, I basically was on my own in looking for a spouse, because I was a revert, and 100 I mean, for the level, so very, to have my own children. So I'm speaking from, you know, from the aspect of someone who's got the experience in this field, not just you know, but like, no come, you know, rent is really expensive, it's not easy. And those fine at that financial stress can is difficult, you know

00:32:51--> 00:32:58

what I mean? So it is it is a point however, I've known some families where they may have a setup where they may have like, they might be able to get like a

00:33:00--> 00:33:13

granny flat in the backyard or something like that, that they can help help these two to, you know, to get married. So it depends on your own family's situation, they may be able to facilitate a way I've known families where

00:33:14--> 00:33:33

there was that, you know, because I mean, it can happen, you might have done anything haram, but sometimes you might have just met the right person, and you just click and you just feel like this is it, you know, this is the one you know, and, and you're still at uni. So I have known some families where, for example, they've, they've allowed the, you know, both the girl and the boy basically to

00:33:35--> 00:33:53

you know, get the cutter, you don't have the nickel. And then like obviously, they're still just seeing each other at the houses and stuff like that. And, you know, allowing them to sort of get themselves together and often you're fine to what normally would happen inshallah is once the brother realizes that the responsibility of

00:33:54--> 00:34:14

you know that he's getting married, you'd be surprised how those brothers actually can step up, you know, they start working extra jobs, they, they go get a job in security, like they find a way, you know, when there's a will, there's a way. So we do, like, of course, we do ideally want to see that guy, you know, step up and show us that, you know, he is ready to take on a wife and you know,

00:34:15--> 00:34:19

so I mean, so it's it depends on your situation, like I said, and

00:34:20--> 00:34:39

yeah, that's what I say at this stage, but you say how to convince them so like, how to convince them. I think the best thing is just be straightforward and say look, I'm you know, this is really the one for me. I think that inshallah most families like that they need to realize I think it's good to put on the table as well. You're in a non Muslim country. There's fitna everywhere.

00:34:41--> 00:34:47

You know, I mean, like, it's everyone should be keen to try to help their kids get married, rather than falling into haram.

00:34:50--> 00:34:58

So yeah, just put on the table and, you know, bring up some solutions of how you can still finish your studies, how you're going to think you can go about

00:34:59--> 00:35:00

you know, support

00:35:00--> 00:35:19

This person or, you know, you've got to show your responsibility basically, I think, um, if it's a sister, you know, obviously, sometimes the parents are worried about, like, you know, the brother isn't a young and all that stuff. Again, I think if you can show the parents, her parents how responsible you are, how much you can do this,

00:35:20--> 00:35:25

you'll find that most parents also want to protect their daughters too, right? So

00:35:26--> 00:35:33

if it's, you're talking about a cultural thing, that second some Kaptaan sometimes come up, you sometimes might may need to get a shirt involved to speak to the family.

00:35:35--> 00:35:50

But my my viewpoint on it is this, what I try to say to people, you know, if you bought your boat yourselves to Australia, it's a multicultural country. And I think that you need to be realistic, and it should, you need to be grateful that your children want to do something Hello.

00:35:51--> 00:36:02

In this time, in this day and age, and just be grateful that Al Hamdulillah they actually want to get married to the opposite gender, because that's how far you know that's how things how things are going, you know.

00:36:07--> 00:36:07


00:36:09--> 00:36:12

Shalom, shalom Jamal did mention how you can do Catholic as

00:36:13--> 00:36:22

well was at uni. But I was watching this one part video recently and they were talking about how it's best not to you know, stretch,

00:36:23--> 00:36:36

stretch that stage until you actually move in and stuff like that, because it may be totally relationships, the the couple's hunger, one can grow closer together and so forth. So, what are your thoughts on that like?

00:36:37--> 00:36:39

What are your thoughts on delaying the

00:36:40--> 00:36:42

from getting tattooed or moving in stage?

00:36:44--> 00:36:50

So, you know, the the the idea from behind the general message that I think,

00:36:51--> 00:36:59

in line with what Chevron German dimension is that there is a a major sort of education

00:37:00--> 00:37:22

that is required for for parents and for any the children when it comes to the metal of marriage? Because any, a lot of the times any, a lot of situations can be avoided, if there was some sort of any knowledge when it came to these matters. But with the matter of any

00:37:23--> 00:37:32

the Catholic tab, and should I do the Catholic tab now, or should I not? Now, should I prolong the period of the Catholic tab.

00:37:34--> 00:37:39

This is something that is culturally known, not something that is really sort of has an Islamic background to it.

00:37:40--> 00:38:09

And a lot of the Arab countries, though, extend the period, and they'll do the engagement, then they'll do the character. And then from the catalog tab into moving in, there will be a period of time, three months, four months, six months, usually that period of time is the time in preparation, preparing the household preparing the different things prior to moving into the house. But what is happening today is that the character period now is

00:38:10--> 00:38:49

one thing that one thing that sort of always gets my attention the word that is that is that we want to we want to stop the Haram and we want to do the halat we want to stop the Haram and we want to do the halal. And in a lot of people's minds. The only way to do so is to do the Catholic step. The only way to do so is to just get picked up where there could be other avenues that I can approach rather than doing the cat victim itself and prolonging it for such a long period of time. So what usually happens

00:38:50--> 00:38:56

with a lot of brothers and with a lot of sisters, which is the the result of

00:38:58--> 00:39:29

the the sort of mixing with the opposite gender, gender robot, in universities, for example, talking about universities, in universities, for example, there's a lot of mixing between the brothers and the sisters. They see each other he looks at a once you look sitting twice and then it starts off from there. And then through this brother for this sister, they start talking with each other, and then they get to the bowl and the ball begins to roll and they find themselves wanting to okay let's take the next step into getting

00:39:30--> 00:39:33

engaged. So now at this period of time.

00:39:35--> 00:39:48

What generally what needs to take place is that the female here or in the supposedly the brother here who's looking to get married, is going to approach the father is going to go to the Father and say to the Father that

00:39:49--> 00:39:53

I'm interested in marrying your daughter. I'm interested in manual Botha

00:39:54--> 00:39:59

the general responses okay. What do you do? What do you work can you afford?

00:40:00--> 00:40:44

Can you not afford and so forth. And then the brother tells the father of the guild that I'm a university student, and I'm still studying University. Here, this is when the cultural sort of switch turns on, in the mind of a lot of the parents. No, no, how are we? How are you going to afford to any to maintain a marriage? If you're still a student, which is very good question to ask him as the shape of Jamal dimensioned, how you going to afford the expenses of a marriage? When you're a student at University? And it's incomplete? end right of the Father to ask that question? How are you going to support my daughter? How are you going to what's your plan, the brother here

00:40:44--> 00:41:34

might say that my my parents have a granny flat. My parents have, I have an extra room in my house that I can I can offer my wife if she wants to be my wife, a separate bathroom, a locked entry, a place that she can any have sort of freedom to herself, minimal, as we call them. Miskin Sharia and Islamic mess can to herself, I can offer her this, my parents are willing to assist the marriage, and so forth. So the brother needs to come up with any some sort of plan for the father to say, Okay, I'm willing to, to, again, to marry you, my daughter, it's not an easy thing. I have daughters myself. And it's not an easy thing for me to just any tell a brother here take my daughter, Sarah

00:41:34--> 00:42:18

Malik. Any, it's not something that is any, something that is is easy to do. So the person and from a father's perspective, I look at it as being a handler, I tried to the best of my ability to provide everything for migrants to provide everything for them, the security, the well being the safety, the the clothing, the food, I tried to my visibility to provide all of this, and it's in the right of the Father to say, Okay, I'm going to marry my daughter to someone who's going to at least provide the similar Jani methods that I've been providing for my daughter, throughout these years that she's grown up, at least to provide any some of these things for my daughter. And it comes down

00:42:18--> 00:42:50

to circumstantial, any, every, every situation in every circumstance is different. Every circumstance is different. A lot of the times, it's successful, when it's facilitated, the brother, we can only learn was lucky. And I hope you don't get this get anyone. But from what we can see, is a good brother. He's got Dean, he's got a club, he's got him, he's not concerned for wanting to provide for his family, for his future wife, and so forth. So we say, okay, you this person, and we give this person a

00:42:51--> 00:43:37

try, we give this person and it is to prove himself at the end of the day, and to and to try. And there's a lot of ways that we can deal with these things. And if it comes to a to a to a, any to a to a block, if it comes to a dead end, there's no room to move like young like this, if I mentioned, the first thing to do is to approach a person of knowledge and to seek their any to seek the assistance and to seek the help in trying to facilitate these things. If the parents are being any stubborn on a cultural fact or cultural, any background or something that is not Islamic, or any unless he has a house under his ownership. I'm not going to marry you. We told the father Good luck.

00:43:38--> 00:44:01

To the father Good luck marrying your daughter have any don't put impossible conditions. And one thing here Subhanallah that I've that I've realized a lot. Any, maybe nine out of 10 phone calls and we get a lot of phone calls with these issues. And I'm sure the same is the same. Lot of phone nine out of those 10 phone calls, is the sister calling of the brother.

00:44:03--> 00:44:10

Nine out of those 10 phone calls is the sister calling by the sisters calling What can I do? What can I do to assist that? You should be the guy calling not you?

00:44:11--> 00:44:19

It shouldn't be the guy who's calling and asking, What can I do? How can I facilitate this? How can I move forward? It shouldn't be you who is calling.

00:44:20--> 00:44:36

You are the one who sits down and he comes to you and ask for your hand. He is the one who comes and seeks your money. You're not what is going out there and the one who's crying and so forth. And once Is this my my my my fiance told me to call the show.

00:44:39--> 00:44:43

What do you mean he told me to call the show? Why didn't he call the show?

00:44:44--> 00:44:59

Why didn't he call the show? He's the one with the problem, not you. He's the one who was facing the issue, not you. So the idea today of any how to deal with these things requires re education with these matters. Should engagement go for a long period of time during a

00:45:00--> 00:45:02

University, there's not a there's not a sort of

00:45:04--> 00:45:20

black and white answer to that. I believe there's there isn't a black and white answer each situation needs to be studied differently. Every sister is different to the other sister, every brother is different to the other brother. And you can have two who are able to

00:45:22--> 00:45:28

who are able to work through these things. Me personally, I got married while I was in university, while I was studying Sharia, I got married.

00:45:29--> 00:45:50

And my wife was a student in the Sharia college as well. And she's completed her degree as well. And we I was married, the majority of my marriage was while I was in university, while I was studying, but Hamdulillah I had the money, my parents were able to assist me and were able to help me in providing the basics of marriage and so forth. And

00:45:51--> 00:45:58

and then each person situation is different. Each person circumstance is different color one.

00:46:00--> 00:46:02

Two second without hiring.

00:46:03--> 00:46:42

I think that's pretty straightforward. So since we're at the approaching stage, still also, the next question is, I think as a touched on it, but what quality so this to shatter genetic, so what quality is as a woman was ready for marriage possess. So like, that she helped her own at their home alone, same with the brother as well. And first, because it's a course at the MSA and like my mates as well. It's a thing where, you know, like, when you ask a brother, when you gotta get married, like he has a job he graduated, everything's going good have to learn from the outside. And you ask him the first thing that says, I'm not ready. I don't think I'm ready. So how do you know you're

00:46:42--> 00:46:44

ready? And what qualities does an ideal

00:46:45--> 00:46:47

woman who's ready for merch business?

00:46:52--> 00:46:54

I'll be honest with you, I find.

00:46:55--> 00:47:03

For a woman, she'll just suddenly feel she's ready. He's something you just you just get to a point where you just feel that you're ready for marriage.

00:47:05--> 00:47:16

So I think it's very individual. But I just want to say what I wanted to just I did mention it before, but two sisters, once you get to about 20.

00:47:18--> 00:47:21

From then on, I believe you should be open to marriage.

00:47:22--> 00:47:36

What I mean by that is if someone really good comes along, take the opportunity. Here. I'm trying to say Don't Don't be close to marriage. Leave it to Allah to choose what's best for you. You know, I mean, if even if you're not really that really thinking about at the moment, but if it comes your way, I

00:47:38--> 00:47:52

see that as maybe a las pantallas, you know, opening up this door for you. And it doesn't, as I said before, it doesn't mean you have to, you know, it doesn't mean you can't still pursue things later on. You don't try and say as long as that person's on the same page with you, right.

00:47:55--> 00:48:01

But yeah, so it's not really, it's very individual. But I mean, look, I think as well, knowing women as well.

00:48:03--> 00:48:23

I think if the right person comes along, like she could say to me today, she's not interested in marriage. And tomorrow, she could say, Yeah, I'm interested in marriage. So I don't think that if a man is quite persistent, if a brother is quite persistent, like he really feels this is the one and He's persistent enough, he can get a trip to change your mind. Inshallah. So just to put that out there, but um,

00:48:25--> 00:48:46

I think it's good to talk about, like, what qualities to seek in a partner, like, because one of the reasons they're seeing that people are putting off marriage as well is, is just being very idealistic. And we do do this a lot. Like, you'll get a lot of, for example, religious sisters, where, you know, they want the share, they want the half of the Quran they want, you know what I mean? But, um, look,

00:48:47--> 00:48:49

I just want to just explain to everybody that

00:48:50--> 00:49:02

let me say that the most important thing in the marriage partner that definitely Danny's important, right, but he doesn't have to be the perfect Muslim. Like, he doesn't know he's praying. Alhamdulillah is praying here five prayers.

00:49:03--> 00:49:21

What we would like is you know, that he is stuck to the mosque like we would love you know, this is what would be definitely preferred that he at least prays Fudger Nice shirt, you know, he's conscious about praying his prayers in the masjid, but he doesn't have to be the most perfect Muslim that's, you know, memorize the Quran and all that. So just be careful of not

00:49:23--> 00:49:46

being too idealistic and judging too much on the apparent because let me tell you that there are some unsaid I'm going to be honest that there are people out there who have got this amazing facade. But as people, they're not necessarily the nicest of people where you could get another brother who doesn't have that, but he's very humble. He's very kind he's very down to earth is he genuinely cares about you.

00:49:47--> 00:49:58

That's the one you should be looking for. Good. I'm trying to say so. Just be careful of being because like we are living in the Instagram age, you know, everything's just glossy, but you need to look past the gloss. I think that's really important.

00:50:00--> 00:50:22

Just look for the basic human qualities, you know, humbleness, kindness, you feel comfortable with them, you know, that they, they, you know, they seem to care about what you're interested in, you don't try to say like, they you feel they're supportive of what, you know, what you would like to do or you know, your your goals, your expectations, you know, it's very important, you're both on the same page.

00:50:23--> 00:50:44

You need to you need to, and that's why what else and before this, this stage, the beginning of choosing the spouse is the most important stage because, you know, you need to discuss things like, you know, what are his expectations? What are her expectations? You know, what does she see? What is she planning to do? Is she read the compromised certain things?

00:50:46--> 00:51:05

You know, like, look, let's be honest, I think that if you speak to most brothers, most brothers would prefer that, you know, especially when the children are young, that would, most of them would prefer that their wife is going to stay home, especially in a child rearing age, you don't try to say, but he might be flexible to

00:51:06--> 00:51:14

you going back to work, for example, once the kids go to school, but you need to discuss these things. You can't find that out later. You know, but you know, when in saying that,

00:51:16--> 00:51:22

when it comes to Muslim families, not every, not every household fits, you know, there are different

00:51:23--> 00:52:00

there are different scenarios of Muslim households, not everyone, not every it's not always the same health, like, I know, of households, for example, I know some very religious households where the wife has been a doctor, but very practicing Sister, you know, I mean, she's, she's been a doctor and her husband's been the one that was ready to stay home and, and be more with the children. But like, that's something you need to make sure that you're on the same page with that stuff. So, yeah, so basically, you know, when it comes to asking, you know, that initial stage of what you're looking for, you're speaking about expectations, what they what they see is, you know, their role as a wife

00:52:00--> 00:52:02

as a husband, mindset.

00:52:03--> 00:52:12

Religious views, like, ask them questions about what's your views on this in Islam? What's your views on that you want to see, you know, are you matching, I'm

00:52:13--> 00:52:38

also, I think it's really important to get to know the families to see how the families are, would affect the values like how the parents treat each other. I think that's important. So, you know, those those kind of things, I think, you know, you really need to be asking also about that person, you need to ask about that person, from honest people like, how is this person? Tell me honestly, you know, I'm trying to say you need to do your homework, it's really important.

00:52:46--> 00:52:46


00:52:49--> 00:52:51

share something, or what are your thoughts as well, when it's

00:52:52--> 00:52:53

like, what qualities?

00:52:55--> 00:52:59

What qualities should men look for when choosing a spouse?

00:53:01--> 00:53:01


00:53:03--> 00:53:08

Alhamdulillah with regards to this matter, in addition, cinema sort of clearly identified was the basic

00:53:09--> 00:53:10

sort of

00:53:11--> 00:53:54

things that the the spouse or the suitor should be looking for, in the potential spouse when it comes to a male, and he's looking for a female to get married to me so seldom, any mentioned any Tonka Marotti herba that the female gets married for, for things in the business. And without mentioning these four things, as from an Islamic perspective is mentioning these things from a cultural society at this time perspective, maybe it's made to female either for her beauty, for her lineage, for her wealth, or for her religion. These were the four things that at that time, people will get married for the for these reasons to a female and then in the viscera. So let me pointed

00:53:54--> 00:53:57

out for bid at the interest and

00:53:59--> 00:54:10

fun fun, can you just the wording there that the bees are seldom, he mentioned, he mentioned a buffer. A buffer is when the person sort of Jani

00:54:11--> 00:54:24

when the penny, the meaning of English is a bit difficult to explain, but when the person meant and it'd be so selling the same fun, fun and fun, fun be that any, any

00:54:27--> 00:54:59

is difficult to to explain in English, hello. But the meaning of it is to to make sure that you that you obtain the female that has reached an offer here is when the person he struggles he strives to obtain something, and he put that effort in there to have the female that has the religion. So now that is the point that we agree 100% We can't go beyond that. We can't say that No, religion knows that we agree that can be so send me said, Get a female or have a female that has religion. The Hadith that you mentioned that dunya meta

00:55:00--> 00:55:45

Well, hello my mother to saleha the best of which a man can have in this is dunya is a righteous, any wife, and so forth. But now the the issue that we are facing now is what does that mean for bidet Dean? Or what does that the mean? What does the female have religion? What does that encompass? What does it involve? What is a female who has the what is a female who doesn't have the that is where the issue and that is where the problem lies today same thing as any show he was mentioning on the brother side the Leiserson them he said the German per bola Deena who was a professor when you if a man comes along and you are pleased you are happy with his Deen his religion

00:55:46--> 00:56:10

meaning that the person is any in person is minimal requirements of obligation is being fulfilled and the person is any refraining from at least the open sins and the major sins and so forth. So here the idea is that the demon the o'clock like the the issue that we face today is what is the understanding of the

00:56:12--> 00:56:33

what is the understanding of the nature of luck? Can Dean and as luck be judged according to appearance? And if I have a brother who was Aveda, for example, or have a sister who was an abaya, for example, and where's the vision? Burb? And was the niqab mashallah mother's Fatale, increase the system that we had in the hub, and so forth, but is that a?

00:56:35--> 00:56:40

Can I can I gauge one's religion simply based upon that? Of course not.

00:56:41--> 00:57:23

Of course I can't. Because as as the chef, I mention that there's a there's a facade of the today, there's a we're living in a period of time that unfortunately, and we call it the period of sustainable demon, corruption of people where none of this has ever been, if you look into the Hadith of the prophets of Allah, never were these things, a principle gauging of a person's sort of religious status, and so forth. It requires a bit more in depth. research requires a bit more in depth and asking or seeking the knowledge in for example,

00:57:24--> 00:57:25

as the chef I mentioned,

00:57:27--> 00:57:48

usually engagements anyone when people are engaged, any I have brothers who've come to me and we've, we've probably lived in this ourselves where the brother is visiting the sister the female for an extended hours of time in which the prayer goes by usually its lifetime. So mother time has come and then Orisha time has come.

00:57:50--> 00:58:35

One thing that I need to be any conscious of is okay. Did this person for example, this person, when the time for prayer came this person, get up and pray? Did this person go and pray? Some sisters, they come say hi, he comes, he sent a number of hours over the house and so forth, as the sister did you see him get up and pray did he asked to get up and pray time for pre K sister, she could be excused for certain reason. Whereas the brother, there's never going to be excuse as to why he shouldn't be praying. Or he's the only in that in that sense. So these are things to look at. The way that the female the way that the sister for example, from a from a male perspective, the way

00:58:35--> 00:58:47

that she engages with her parents, how the tone of speech that she speaks with her parents, what type of talk that she talks to parents, when the father calls his daughter, what's her response

00:58:49--> 00:58:58

that she hearing the first time you're sitting there with the sister and her father calls her and she he is the father convert and she ignores it.

00:59:00--> 00:59:26

That's something to take note of. And vice versa. The same Jani, vice versa the same. You're sitting with a male that male his mother causing or his father caused him to come in to attend to something faith that father the brother or the sister has heard that call, what's the response? How they deal with their siblings, with the brothers and sisters, how their their interaction

00:59:27--> 00:59:59

with them is and so forth. So these are things that you need to gauge and you need to look for during the time of engagement. people misuse the time of engagement today, people use the time of engagement of bringing taking over sweets and and he bought a lot of a lot of the sisters every week he was bringing sweets and he was bringing flowers and this is during that time. Did you get to know the person did you ask them what's your preacher goals in life? What are you looking for? In your in? What are you looking for as a as a as a man

01:00:00--> 01:00:23

What are you looking for in a wife? Is the sister asking? What are you looking for in a wife? What are you looking for in a husband? Where do you see yourself in the future with the brothers and sisters who are in the university level? As the chef I mentioned, discussing the topics of study, continuing study and continuing to work. And how are we going to? How are we going to sort of

01:00:24--> 01:01:03

interact with these things? I know, I know many couples whom both of them are in university and they'll have dinner, they're happily married hamdulillah they're very happily married. But why? Because they have an understanding. They have an understanding of okay, this is what we want to do. This is how we want to move forward. And we've, we've agreed to that. So all of these things, one brothers have come I remember, I remember my brother in Lebanon used to study with us when, during the engagement period, he said, he said, he said, he said Abdullah, he said one thing to try in when you're engaged, when you go to your fiance's house, one thing to try is to intentionally drop the

01:01:03--> 01:01:04

cup on the floor

01:01:05--> 01:01:06

and let the cup break.

01:01:07--> 01:01:50

He said try that intentionally see what her reaction is. See what she actually is, if she gets angry, and she he, she yells at you, or she Jani she says something towards you, then that's something to if he read it, it doesn't. It doesn't necessarily this is where people get things wrong. Unfortunately, it doesn't necessarily the top doesn't necessarily have to be engagement period of you know, this heavy you know, these bursts you pray pleasure, you probably should do you see this, you see that doesn't necessarily have to be limited to these, those are the most important areas 100% 100%. But at the same time, the conversation needs to be realistic. With regards to

01:01:51--> 01:01:51

matters that

01:01:53--> 01:02:38

we are facing today. matters that we are we are how many brothers I know that, that they're very, they're very sort of cleanliness, the cleanliness to them is a very, an important topic and very important issue to the and they don't bring it up. They don't bring it up and then they get married. And here's the clean free using these yummy. He walks in every morning. And every after he goes to return for work and he wipes it puts his finger on the window to see if there's any dust there. That is Jani from that day. So I mean, if that's an issue that you have, then you need to mention this the system you need to mention this to this to the system because the system is today any a lot of

01:02:38--> 01:02:56

them because they study which is understandable because the works are understandable. A lot of the sisters don't engage in the cleaning of the household with their parents, or in the issues of the household with the parents. You can't you can't get married today expect your wife to make you a five course meal for example.

01:02:57--> 01:03:01

The first day of marriage the first week of marriage you want her to make you want to enter

01:03:02--> 01:03:20

you wanted to make a traditional Jani a traditional meal whether it's from Lebanon whether it's from Pakistan whether it's from whatever country you come from wanted traditional mode as he asked me if you if you get any scrambled eggs and some spaghetti you're you're you're living the life

01:03:22--> 01:04:05

but that's that's how it is today. And you can't you have to have Jani you have to have realistic Jani expectations. And if you do expect that, then the wife of the sister to her to this has the right to know these things. He has the right to know this, he has the right to know that okay, me as a man, I like to wake up I like to have breakfast in bed. I like to have lunch a free course meal. I like to have dinner. That's what my mother but we used to. So he comes he gets married. And then he moves in with his wife. And the first week he let it go because we're in the honeymoon now honeymoon period, as they say. But then the second week after that, he's in bed waiting for his breakfast in

01:04:05--> 01:04:28

bed, he comes home and he's waiting for and then that becomes an issue. So all of these things need to be need to be spoken about need to be you need to be realistic with yourself and what you want. And the the female or the male has the right to know what that is. And this very important engagement period is the most important period most important

01:04:29--> 01:04:32

because once you do the marriage, any

01:04:33--> 01:04:55

once you once the contract of marriage is done. It's not as easily sort of, we can't just say okay, let's rewind and and that's it. It's done. Palace, the contract is done. It's much more it's much more difficult to leave later than it is during the engagement period. We'd say circle ahead but I don't see us working out. And

01:04:57--> 01:05:00

there's no there's no sort of you know,

01:05:00--> 01:05:05

I mean, there's no expectation from the other when it comes to that period, Allah

01:05:07--> 01:05:32

does not come without failing great responses. And now we move on to the talking stage. But just before I went to do just rewind a bit back to the approaching stage, this question is a quick question to shut down Japan. So for the process is pretty easy in our life, people tend to think it's pretty easy to propose to a woman, you know, just maybe ask her directly for father's number or, you know, inquire through friends or whatever it may be. Now, how would a woman

01:05:34--> 01:05:35

propose to

01:05:37--> 01:05:37

a person?

01:05:39--> 01:05:52

Sorry about that? I think someone's Avi Yeah. So how would a woman propose to a brother that she's interested in? Yeah, look, what I suggest, this is, this is the best suggestion inshallah that protects her,

01:05:53--> 01:05:58

protect her entity. Inshallah. What I suggest is, if there was a brother that she,

01:06:00--> 01:06:09

you know, felt that he could be right for her, not to approach herself but to get someone she trusts to drop her name.

01:06:10--> 01:06:39

And physical ask, are you ready? Are you thinking to get married brother? Right? And then if he says, Yes, you know, that person says something like, you know, there's this sister? I don't know, but like, you know, yeah. Have you ever thought about this sister? Don't try and say she's very worried about like, just to drop your name, I think this is inshallah low on him. Probably one of the best approaches that where you protect yourself, he doesn't know that you actually, you know, ask directly. So you don't, you don't try to you don't put yourself out on the line kind of thing.

01:06:40--> 01:06:45

But at the same time, at least you you tried, you know, you you have a chance.

01:06:47--> 01:06:52

Right. Um, but yeah, going back to what Shaykh Abdullah was saying before, you know,

01:06:53--> 01:06:59

I really liked what he said, and I, that was something I wanted to bring up as well, it is really important to.

01:07:01--> 01:07:26

First of all, I do say take things slow. But like with the engagement periods, I mentioned something, I definitely don't encourage people to keep to make the engagement too long. Because I've known a lot of people say that they were finding it very hard in the engagement period, you're still not macrons to each other. So you're not supposed to be kind of going out of the boundaries of the way you speak to each other, you're not supposed to touch each other or that and

01:07:27--> 01:07:41

unfortunately, a lot of families, they have made engagements very long. And, you know, the engagement, the engaged couple, sometimes start it starts, you know, crossing boundaries, right. So once you know that this is the right person, don't make the engagement too long.

01:07:42--> 01:07:51

Get the get the guitar, but I do actually really feel that I don't know Allah Who an unfair situation in Australia, I just feel that the Kitab you know, again, the Nika

01:07:52--> 01:08:24

and delaying the cat for a while, not very, very long. But you know, for a few months, at least, I encourage this, I feel this is the best way because we just seen too much divorce and charge marriage breakdown. And I really think it's important to really like that get to know each other more. But what I'm what I mean by that is what should be on the contract. Below on me, my opinion is, there should be no consummation until after the dilemma and the will a can write that, like he can make that a stipulation right on the contract. This way.

01:08:25--> 01:08:26

This way, we

01:08:28--> 01:09:01

allow the couple kind of, to, you know, we get to interact with a little bit more with them, you know, what I found with my own personal, you know, from my own personal experiences with my family and stuff like that, like my son's for example, were able to go out with my daughters has been the way camping, you know, he would come over, they're much more free, the couple to be together and stuff like that. You get to see them in different scenarios, you get to really, you know, sort of verify the person a lot more. And same thing with one of my sons when he was, you know, when he was, you know, getting married to his wife. So, um,

01:09:03--> 01:09:43

this this, this, this is good. Like, it's, it took i Yes, it's not easy to get out of it. You know, once you've had the contract done, it's it's more difficult but it's not as difficult as after you've done the consummation and you've had your Lima like, that's, that's it, that's even harder to get out of. So, if if things aren't gonna go right, it's better for it to not go right within that period of when you've had the contract but before consummation, once the consummation has happened, and or walima it's then then then really is much more difficult. So I'd rather you know, that all gets verified at that stage. But um, you know, again, make sure that you are you do you know, you

01:09:43--> 01:09:48

have really been honest like someone had I remember there was something when the questions you had sent me earlier was

01:09:50--> 01:09:54

something like should I be myself, you know, when this

01:09:55--> 01:09:59

when this potential person comes over, should I just be Should I just be

01:10:00--> 01:10:38

Different and then show myself later on, the worst thing you could do is act differently in that stage, you need to be as raw as possible, you need to let that person see who you really are. Okay, it's really important for you to be as open and honest with each other, put it all out on the table, because this is where you're going to be married to for the next hopefully, inshAllah 50 years, or maybe 60 or 70 years, you know, I'm trying to say, so we need you to be as honest as possible. And, you know, as you know, again, as checkup that I was saying, you know, you need to make sure that like, are your aims are your expectations? Like, for example, if he is going to be very demanding

01:10:38--> 01:10:39

with, you know,

01:10:40--> 01:11:05

things that he expects from you? Are you going to be able to, you know, are you able to actually manage that you don't try and say, so, we have to see what we can compromise what we can't compromise, if we realize that, I don't really think I can live up to this. It's better to stop it from here than to then to find out later, because what we're seeing later on is a whole lot of problems that are resulting, because this stage wasn't done

01:11:06--> 01:11:11

in a way that it should have been, like, people haven't verified their partner to see, you know, expectations and stuff like that.

01:11:14--> 01:11:19

I'm certainly failing. I'm just not that No, quickly. You said something about how,

01:11:20--> 01:12:00

yeah, so you should be yourself in the engagement process. Now, one of the questions also did say that, if I do be casual, it may lead to choking this scenario, and then the emotion speaker attached and not I mean, like, it'd be very casual the engagement talks and the talking stage and stuff like that. So how do we navigate around that and also be able to self sign? Because, yeah, like, look, it's okay to have a bit of a laugh, and somebody can be a bit of yourself. But obviously, you still have to keep in mind, you know, you're still you're having a tough time for lawyers to relate, realizing that you aren't maharam But it's okay. You can't be like that, I think the worst thing you

01:12:00--> 01:12:06

could do is be just be robotic, I'm in any way, I think if you're gonna be too robotic, most likely the person isn't going to get good vibes from your

01:12:07--> 01:12:44

you know, so I think that, um, sometimes those meetings take a bit of practice to work out, like the way you're supposed to be because sometimes people go in and they're trying to be too, like, rigid and everything and then the person doesn't really feel that you know, you're interested or something like that, because you're being so serious and so rigid. And so I'm looking at a meeting and remember to that, even though you're not maharam spot, there are, there is a lightning in the Shelia because it's for the purpose of marriage, okay, so for example, a lot of sisters don't know that, it's okay to wear a little bit of makeup, you know, you don't have to, you know, you can put on some

01:12:44--> 01:13:06

nicer type of hijab or something like that. I mean, obviously, you still wear hijab, but you don't have to wear like, all black, and you don't try and say you can present yourself, like, in a nice way, and there is a little bit of relaxation, because it's for the purpose of marriage, it's not good, I'm trying to say so just keep that in mind that, um, yeah, it's

01:13:07--> 01:13:09

hope that I can understand that inshallah.

01:13:11--> 01:13:22

shallow, shallow any thoughts also wants to give you thoughts. Also, I should have done this before, but could you quickly explain the key terminologies we use in this meeting just so our viewers understand. So what's once again?

01:13:24--> 01:13:36

What's the difference between that and then you can contract or what's the Williamette just briefly and it was Thank you. So the the Catholic tab or the awkward Nikka or the

01:13:37--> 01:13:46

artist artesa Watch the KK as we come to know what you need just 1k away from any the KKK

01:13:47--> 01:14:01

any all of these these words that have sort of come to our light Yanni I remember the first when I first came back from overseas brother or sister courses shareholder do KK

01:14:02--> 01:14:12

KK What do you mean by a KK I want to do my, my, my academic, I want to do your your your marriage together, yeah, okay.

01:14:13--> 01:14:17

So, all of these words are all of these words any

01:14:20--> 01:14:32

are used for for the same for the same matter, which is the contract of marriage, if you want to call it academica contract of marriage has all of these terminologies are used for the same thing?

01:14:33--> 01:14:35

So people differentiate.

01:14:36--> 01:14:42

Today, a lot of people differentiate between the the harbor which is the engagement

01:14:44--> 01:14:48

which is something in the Sharia is around the business element.

01:14:49--> 01:14:59

Command A city but the essay on this person should not engage on the engagement of his brother. So the engagement period doesn't really change anything. The engagement period only change

01:15:00--> 01:15:09

One thing, which is the impermissibility, for another person to come in to ask for the hand of the sister while she's engaged to you. So that

01:15:10--> 01:15:34

prohibition is that doesn't change anything else, it doesn't mean that we can go out with each other, and be alone with each other, and so forth. A lot of people today tend to think that, that it's okay, a lot of parents unfortunately, even entertain these things where they allow for the engaged couple to, to leave with one another, to go out to the park to go and to grab

01:15:36--> 01:16:15

some food together, and so forth. And they say, I'll just take your young brother with you. And the brother, the sisters brother is 10 years old, they buy an ice cream cone from the bottles, and then they, they give him the phone, and they make sure that he brings his iPad with him and that he's busy with honey with things so that they can know the man in this period of time needs to be a matter. And the definition of a man just so the brothers definition of maharam is the definition of a man, for female, the female is not the male, the male doesn't need a man, if he doesn't even matter, um, then there's an issue there.

01:16:17--> 01:16:24

So the the female is the one who needs the maximum. So the definition of the maximum is any male that is

01:16:26--> 01:16:43

permanently prohibited for her to marry. That is what we call a Maha. So any male that is permanently permanently prohibited for the female to marry is a harmful example of that his father was any

01:16:44--> 01:16:55

example of that is her brother, uncle, so grandfather, and so forth. So these are all called a Mahara. So in the engagement period, the man needs to be present, doesn't need to be sitting next to her

01:16:56--> 01:17:36

doesn't need to be physically sitting next to the the system needs to be present, needs to be present. So what usually happens in some cases, where the brother and sister will sit in the room with each other, and that room is open to the lounge room or is open to the kitchen or is open to all For example, The backyard is open to the rest of the house, and they'll sit there together and the bathroom is present in the house is not physically present between them. Because when that happens, then as, as the chef I mention, the interaction becomes rigid, the interaction becomes robotic, you don't get past the question of how are you? How was your day today? And then you're

01:17:36--> 01:18:19

sitting down and you're thinking, No, I can't say anything. The Muslims there. I'm not, I can't say anything. And then the daughter is also thinking that my father's here, if I say something that he doesn't like, and it's a tense moment, the first meeting is always the most tense moment, the brothers trying to look at the sister, any trying to steal some looks at her, any as she comes in, serves him the drink, and so forth. So they're trying to any still, the looks at each other, and so forth. And that's the initial, the initial period. So the engagement period doesn't change that then we come to the cut back tab. So the what's the definition of engagement? The definition of Clif Bar

01:18:19--> 01:19:04

in the Sharia, as the real amount have defined it, I'll get my one word dessert and sit back is the promise to marry. And no, okay, I accept promise tomorrow. And that promise doesn't need to be is not a promise that is a year mean that I can't break. Or if I break it, I need to do an expiation, oh, it's a promise. It's a promise that inshallah Allah will get married. But that promise fulfills and we do our Catholic tab, which is the murder, the contract, the contract of marriage, culturally, in the Arab culture, generally speaking, in the Arab culture, they get picked up is done, the contract of marriage is done. And then the the female remains with the parents. The female remains

01:19:04--> 01:19:26

with the parents until the brother is able to provide a household a dwelling for his wife. Now, an important disclaimer here, that during this period of time where the female is at her father's house, the the the preference of obedience is still to her father, not to the husband.

01:19:27--> 01:19:35

Meaning that if the husband says to his wife, let's go out I want to take you out you want to go out at 10 o'clock at night? The father says No, you stay at home.

01:19:36--> 01:19:40

Who does the who does the female listen to? She listens to her father.

01:19:41--> 01:20:00

Why because a parliament Melaka and Parliament Millikan, Africa Oliver Melaka Miska the disobedience yes to the one who has the household or who has the maintenance. So an issue that arises a lot is that the husband here after doing convicted after doing convicted you are

01:20:00--> 01:20:06

why you have to listen to me, you have to come to me. Your father says no, I don't care. You're my wife. And let's go.

01:20:08--> 01:20:16

That's what usually happens. That's what usually take place where the female here, the sister here, with all respect and with all honor can say no.

01:20:17--> 01:20:47

With all respect and honor can say no. Or it can be stipulated, as any, as the chef I mentioned, stipulated in the contract of marriage. So that consummation of marriage does not take place until after the walima. happens, the walima here, in between brackets wedding takes place, between records here until the wedding takes place, that in the in the Arabic it's something very important in the Arabic tradition, Lebanese tradition, specifically, that is an agreement that is not mentioned.

01:20:48--> 01:21:02

And that is already a condition that it's not, it's an unspoken condition. It's an unspoken condition. And the power of the shadow do we have to have a filthy maxim that says, America, often conventional chatter,

01:21:03--> 01:21:47

that which is culturally known in the role of under the contract, commercial chocolate is like the condition that is conditioned in the contract itself. So during this period of time, that's when now I can see the the the, the, the husband and wife, they begin to sort of go out with each other, they begin to need the first touch of the hands, as we, as we say, takes place, any the these sort of things, they they're able to sit with each other low in certain areas, but they have to be both of them, especially the female, especially Allah. And I know, I know, a couple of panela they're both Lebanese. And they did they can, Victor. They did, they can Victor, knowing that the walima has come

01:21:47--> 01:21:59

to be for another couple of months, they did the cut back term, like the father, or the father was the mother mentioned. And the uncle mentioned, who was the lay of the girl

01:22:00--> 01:22:28

mentioned that as soon as we did the character, the brother and the my niece disappeared for about half an hour to an hour. And we never understood why we never understood why. And then six months later, they're getting a divorce from six months later, they're going through a divorce. And then what was brought to light that other time, as soon as the victim was done, the husband took the sister side and said You are my wife gets to come with me. Now I want to consider the marriage.

01:22:30--> 01:22:40

You are my wife, you have to come with me now to consummate the marriage. And this girl was gullible. This girl didn't know she was my husband. What am I going to do? So there were two parts to the marriage.

01:22:41--> 01:22:47

At that moment, any, any, I still cannot do today fathom how that took place.

01:22:48--> 01:23:09

First of all, where did you go? Where did you go, and you're in the middle of a cat Victor with the family members are there. So the brothers and sisters need to be very cautious when it comes to comes to these matters. When it comes to the topic of Catholic tab

01:23:11--> 01:23:24

and so forth and how to deal with the matters of the character, the matter of the method, that which is given up front. The female has the right to withhold herself until she actually receives them

01:23:25--> 01:24:15

until she actually receives from Adam and the people today just Danny just look at it as something and no, not a heart and it's it's nothing. So there's a lot of there's a lot of re education from a city perspective that is required for the feet for the sisters and for the brothers to understand, when it comes to these methods, when it comes to the matters of being Asian period when it comes to the matters of the niqab period, the period, the trinket, the turban walima and then after the Lima, when when we have the prior stages done in the proper manner and done in the in the right slimming guidelines which are to perfection your microcontroller Cadena, Komatsu went to a community meeting

01:24:15--> 01:24:57

on intellectualism, Edina, a canal Tour de to attachment to XML Turati to the third here the domain is back to Allah subhanaw taala, which is an urgent matter of virtue of praise, perfection, no doubt about there's no room for any, any for any sort of coming in and saying no, or saying not perfection. So when we when we do that, to the perfection of our religion, not to our perfection, the perfection of the religion, because as the show has said we're not looking at perfection in the spouse, not looking to the fiction in the religion. If you're going to look for that you're not going to find one brother came to you said check I'm looking for I'm looking for Irish people

01:24:57--> 01:24:58

looking you're not going to find

01:25:00--> 01:25:42

If you do find it, I'll fight for you. And I'll fight you for her. And I will go ahead No, no, no, you're not going to find Aisha very realistic. Or rather, I'm looking for a man on the line who can find drama. You're not going to find this man, you're not going to find these people I would call it he was a soldier. He was a warrior. He was a colored light. And he called it Alibaba, Lauren was a was was a one time. And he was a one time safe of Allah subhanaw taala. So, so be the the, but when we when we follow the perfection of the religion, and the perfection of its rulings, then the bee's knees, was the topic of Allah Subhana Allah with his blessings, that will facilitate the rest of the

01:25:42--> 01:25:53

path of the marriage, because many talents, so realizing these terminologies that we use and the aspects of things is very, very important. Law.

01:25:56--> 01:25:57

Certainly my phone and

01:25:58--> 01:26:04

just on that note, you know, how when you stipulate that's a condition into a contract, but

01:26:06--> 01:26:07

are we allowed to,

01:26:09--> 01:26:21

after months have passed? Are we allowed to, you know, negotiate that or, you know, remove it or free ourselves from stipulation before, let's say, the specified date of the switch the thing that ends?

01:26:23--> 01:26:24

Like, does that make sense?

01:26:27--> 01:26:28

To you talking,

01:26:31--> 01:26:41

sorry, Sunday wishes of the law. So when you stipulate a condition in the contract, are we allowed to go back on it after, after a while?

01:26:42--> 01:26:43

Let's say

01:26:45--> 01:27:28

that to begin with, to begin with, not every condition is, is considered a valid condition. So we have conditions that are valid, you have conditions that invalid conditions. So that's the first sort of thing. So first thing, general ruling is that any condition that opposes the religion is completely invalid, any as a last as an obese enemy, he says that he said the Muslim owner in the show him that the believers at the conditions Illa sharpener held the Haram haram or halal, he said except the condition that is in contradiction to the religion is in contradiction to it. So that but the matter of of conditions here, there's a matter of color between the dilemma between them, does

01:27:28--> 01:27:30

the condition need to be fulfilling

01:27:32--> 01:28:01

the benefit of both the spouses? Or is it sufficient enough for that condition that stipulation the shot, as we call it to be beneficial or in, in, in favor of one of them alone, and so called so like, like you mentioned in the nurse that you sent, for example, stipulating putting the condition of not marrying a second wife not marrying something? What? I've witnessed one marriage dependent condition in my life in Australia.

01:28:03--> 01:28:07

So that conditioning itself, is that condition valid? Or is it invalid?

01:28:09--> 01:28:40

This is a topic that this difference of opinion between the real amount when it comes to this from a fitting perspective, according to Imam Muhammad, it's it's a valid condition. And it's more than any valid for the female to stipulate that. And what that stipulation means that if that can have that was to happen, then the wife has the he has the the freedom or has the right to seek ending of the marriage. So that's the this the short here that we're talking about.

01:28:42--> 01:29:04

Whereas the other elements say that no, it's considered an invalid condition. But here, the length of the dilemma the people don't really know it, and they're not going to know. So, here are the what we look at as an imam or to look at as a piece of a person is doing character. Do you accept this condition? Yes, if you accept this condition, that you you have the facility

01:29:05--> 01:29:25

to yes, if you carry come later on and say that are but Imam Abu Hanifa or but Imam Shafi says that this condition is invalid, you have to you accepted at the time and Muslim owner in the show, you accept that at the time, the Muslims are at their condition, exactly the same thing with for example, if the husband was to put a condition that the wife is not work,

01:29:27--> 01:29:55

or the wife is not studying, then you have to fulfill that condition. You have to uphold the condition that you have set the condition that you agreed upon. If that's mentioned in the contract of marriage, that is, if that's mentioned in the contract of marriage, that is it condition is not limited to time is not limited to time limited by any timeframe, except if that condition is to pay them a hug, for example, or

01:29:57--> 01:29:59

certainly a period of time that I'm given

01:30:00--> 01:30:09

I'm in five years to complete my study for example, or so forth and any the the, the general understanding is that

01:30:11--> 01:30:31

the issue of conditions should be brought forth to the chef that is doing the character before stipulating them and agreed upon before stipulating them. And to make sure that both of the any the spouses to be understand what these conditions need, what they what the outcome of them is,

01:30:33--> 01:30:43

what the outcome of the specified husband here comes in a puts the condition of this or prosecution of that, but doesn't really understand what it is that comes comes down, comes back latest is all but I didn't know.

01:30:44--> 01:30:53

I didn't know what this means, then. Me That's not our that's not our fault. The sort of Florida

01:30:56--> 01:30:56

Sokoloff Onan

01:30:58--> 01:31:20

this question is now to sharpen demand. So one of the questions that we got asked was in during the talking stage, can I talk about my past sins, or my current sins as well? So for example, the American gation is in an or, or delinquent pray for many years, very started recently practicing. So are we meant to mention this to potential?

01:31:21--> 01:31:29

Yeah, okay. Like, look, in general, as you know, we're supposed to cover our sins, especially if you've repented for them. Okay.

01:31:30--> 01:31:38

But in this insane that, because I think I think the question was something like, um, am I supposed to, like, reveal my sins or something like that. So

01:31:40--> 01:31:58

sometimes, what the person may be doing, may be something that is going to affect the spouse that they may need to discuss. So for example, say someone's addicted to drugs, or, you know, someone is addicted even to smoking.

01:32:00--> 01:32:24

Those things that you brought up, you need to be honest about that. Especially like, if it's a wife, or even if it's a husband, if He is marrying someone who's addicted to drugs, I mean, that's going to have a serious impact on the on the marriage on the harmony, you know, and they definitely have a right to know that beforehand. So it all depends on what scenes are we talking about, but like if it's personal scenes between you and Allah subhanaw taala that

01:32:26--> 01:33:03

like especially if you've repented from them in the past, there's no need is absolutely no need for you to bring that up. And in fact, there's a hadith that says you know, a table meaner than commend let them Bella like the one who does sin see repentance from a sin is like the one who didn't do a sin. So like, you know, even if someone was to try to pry into your background and ask you Did Did you know to find out something you still have a right to say like to cover it? Because you know, when you speak about it, you consider it as if you didn't do it because you've made this sincere repentance. Alright, but like I said, if it's something that's going to affect them, and you're

01:33:03--> 01:33:21

still doing that, I think it's very important that you you do need to tell the person like if you're a person who's got like, how I don't know if you've got like, you're in debt you're in great debt with with people or something like that. I mean, these are things that need to be you need to be honest about it.

01:33:23--> 01:33:41

Because actually, if for example, someone married a drug addict for example, they would have every right to another marriage after that because you haven't been open it's actually a defect like there are certain defects that enable the you know, the other spouse to you know, to ask for annulment of the marriage due to due to the defect

01:33:47--> 01:33:58

just up in the home also on the question to you one of the questions that was asked was how much Mahad amount should I stipulate and also just another question on the

01:33:59--> 01:34:02

can the house can be potential male spouse husband

01:34:04--> 01:34:24

make a dealing where he pays them how you know, once he gets financially stable in stages, is that something that we can do in *tier? Yes, absolutely. Like so with the math right. What you put a look at we definitely like we definitely don't want to make marriage hard that's something I was mentioning before Okay, um

01:34:27--> 01:34:32

but like there's no like we have to look at the first of all we have to look also at the ability of the of the

01:34:34--> 01:34:35

what you want to call him the groom.

01:34:37--> 01:34:50

You know, a lot of palaces for example, in the Quran, you and Phil do Sati mean Sati right. That the one who is financially you know able that you know we have higher expectations from someone who is you know, well off we can we can

01:34:52--> 01:34:59

you know, ask him for for more than someone who's very we can see that he's you know, restricted in his ability to

01:35:00--> 01:35:05

So to asking, asking for very high math was from someone who isn't, isn't very well off.

01:35:07--> 01:35:14

This is something that, you know, makes marriage difficult. And also, like, what can happen is if a woman or you know, for female asks for too much in her mind,

01:35:15--> 01:35:28

is that when the man marries her, you know, because he's got such a big burden of the marry the math, he can sometimes feel like, you know, look, I, you know, I spent all this stuff think about all his spent, and he might feel like she's not really living up to,

01:35:29--> 01:35:34

you know, all that he's, you know, put into the marriage, you know, so it's best to,

01:35:35--> 01:35:59

you know, to make it easy Insha Allah, make it light. And you know, there is actually some, a Hadith from the Prophet sallallahu Sallam about, you know, like that that woman, you know, that, you know, there's Baraka in that woman who, you know, makes the the math lights, but insane, that we also don't want to go on the opposite extreme, because, like, I have seen, like, especially reverts, I have seen situations where

01:36:01--> 01:36:24

they've been guilt tripped into, like, pretty much guilt tripped out their mouth altogether. And it's like, you know, the brother would, you know, give her like a book of ideal SEMA or something, you know, that's fair, much, you're not even trying to say, so like, and she's thinking she's doing the right thing, by, you know, being so good, and, you know, by basically denying herself, the mark.

01:36:26--> 01:37:04

So we don't want to go the opposite direction. So, look, look, this is just a suggestion, because like, we can't sort of say, we can't really give a definite math. But I mean, for our situation in Australia, I'd say, for the majority of people, I think that something around 10,000 is quite reasonable. If the brother is not very well off, then maybe can go down to 5000. But in relation to your question, like we have more harm, as you said, so you can delay the math, it's not like, you know, this is something that can be agreed upon at the time of the contract, you know, are you going to pay some upfront? Are you going to pay some later on down the track? But look, I also do advise

01:37:04--> 01:37:14

sisters now that don't, what I advise insha, Allah, Allahu Taala on him is not to ask for the Mahara upon divorce, or, you know,

01:37:15--> 01:37:44

you know, I do believe that it's, it would be in the best interest for ministers to actually get them 100 paid off over time, like maybe in a couple of years, because something a lot of sisters have never thought about is, if you were able to get that more hot, you could actually potentially invest it, you know, I'm trying to say, and sort of create more wealth for yourself, because look, I'm going to be honest, we see what situations where sometimes things don't go well in the marriage. And then,

01:37:45--> 01:37:53

you know, sometimes women are pretty much left with nothing, because, number one, a lot of them don't get them. Many, many times, they don't get them at all, in the end.

01:37:55--> 01:38:30

That's one thing, that's one reason and then when they get divorced, sometimes, you know, they're just getting nothing. So I do think it's probably in the best interest for most sisters to actually get some upfront to make it easy on the brother, but then ask for say, like, put it down the contract that you know, to be pay off in installments, for example, over the next five years, something like that, and then that also will enable you to then go reinvest that money for yourself. And sort of like, you know, like, also because as you know, if you if you keep money just stashed away, somewhere, it doesn't grow, you know, so I think that we also need to start a bit more savvy

01:38:30--> 01:38:30

with our,

01:38:31--> 01:38:39

with, you know, a little bit more, thinking a little bit more in the box when it comes to our finances as well. Inshallah? Well, I will tell them,

01:38:40--> 01:38:44

that a lot of good response is questions you should have the legislature have

01:38:45--> 01:38:55

a lot of people who maybe don't have a very good understanding of the deen or, you know, come from a secular framework. They see him or her or something, and they're like, it's like, you're obviously buying.

01:38:56--> 01:39:04

You're buying your spouse if that makes sense. It sounds weird, but that's how I see it. So maybe could you touch on our explain what are the wisdoms of man? Why? Why is it stipulated?

01:39:06--> 01:39:45

Now, um, so the idea of Mahad is pretty slick. It's not me. I didn't come along with Islam. So the idea of Muhammad is pre Islamic, and it's not limited to Islam as well. But the difference with Islam is that Islam has any perfected the understanding of how bad was in other cultures for example, the method is paid by the wife to the husband. For example, the wife is the one who's paying the man and she's the one who is purchasing. In that sense, she's purchasing the husband, the man here, Allah Subhana Allah one thing to know that the word matter

01:39:47--> 01:39:50

is used in the Quran in with different words.

01:39:52--> 01:40:00

One of the most common words is the word to Musa saw the party in what how to missa Sodapop

01:40:00--> 01:40:31

The Hidden Nikola, so he has so Ducati in a subtle hall with the Dhamma. And the dad is different to the sadaqa is different to the saga with the fetters sadhaka is charity. So Luca is a gift. So Luca, is a gift. So here a Nikola meaning the the understanding of leaving FC. And leaving in with with a smile on your face when you're giving her the money, not gritting your teeth and holding on to it. Any hoping that she doesn't take it maybe.

01:40:32--> 01:40:46

But given it with a smile on your face. So the idea of Matt is an obligatory gifts that the husband has to offer and propose to his wife from an A 50 understanding, we know that there is no maximum to match

01:40:47--> 01:41:07

the real amount have sort of agreed that there is no maximum to the mandala had that he actually he and the majority of dilemma have said had any color here as long as it's something of value has to be something of value. And the MAR one thing that a lot of female sisters don't understand is that the man

01:41:09--> 01:41:47

is not a favor. The man is not a favor, the mat is an obligation, it's an obligation that is obligated once is obligated in its complete amount once the marriage is consummated, and obligated in half of its amount if a divorce takes place prior to consummation. So once the marriage is consummated, the full amount of man is obligated, the full amount of man is obligated, it's not a favor. It's not a favor. So people a lot of sisters, for example, when it comes to the metal of Madonna, I don't want to, I don't want to get

01:41:48--> 01:41:52

in the way asking for them out and so forth. It's not it's a right, it's yours.

01:41:54--> 01:42:00

It's the tables. But when we have the metadata, which is the IRS, which is the unpaid portion of math,

01:42:01--> 01:42:15

the tables have slightly turned in thinking that okay, the husband is the one who has the map, and the wife is not the one who has the map. So this is this has caused me a lot of confusion between the people.

01:42:16--> 01:42:40

And unfortunately, and he has as the shape I mentioned, a lot of the the reverse sisters are taking on that sort of guilt trip. And what do you mean the Research Center? He said 123 And you have to be this man, the response the system, the river system, one verse that we make the river system, memorize it, if no one. Why are they to the Honda Impala.

01:42:41--> 01:42:55

We get the river sister to memorize that verse. So where does that verse come to understanding? So the issue with mobile is, first and foremost, the MaHA should not be above the ability of the mind.

01:42:56--> 01:42:58

The Maha should not be above the ability of the male.

01:43:00--> 01:43:06

The highest amount I've seen personally. So I gave myself a thumbs up sorry. The highest method that I've seen,

01:43:07--> 01:43:18

personally is $300,000 $300,000. The Mahatma Gandhi, that's the highest man that I've seen and one of the only one brother

01:43:20--> 01:44:02

a chef from from Lebanon. And he mentioned to me that a female was taken as we call the Lebanese, the Lebanese language we call it she was taking an schlifer and she was taken from her parents forcibly. And then the marriage was forced on the parents when she was taken by the husband to be and as the during the contract of marriage. The husband says to the chef is put 500,000 work in you're talking you're not Australian, we're in level 500,000 Americans, the chef looks at the medicine I mean, you show 500,000 you show this is gonna you know what you're saying. You don't mean 510,000 years. For example lemonade there is which is equivalent to maybe about $500 Not 500,000

01:44:02--> 01:44:07

American. So the right the contract new thing everything is done. And then the

01:44:09--> 01:44:29

the the chef is waiting. Then the celebrant we call the Madonna shadow overseas. The celebrant is waiting for his face to be paid Jani there's a fee to be paid for the Madonna shadow. So as the man is coming in the shirt is coming. The husband now after the contract, he turns to his wife and he says to his wife, if you can please him just pay the chef. I don't have money this month.

01:44:31--> 01:44:33

I don't have any money this month. Yeah.

01:44:34--> 01:44:35


01:44:36--> 01:44:53

The idea behind this is that, you know, you don't have the sufficient enough funds to any to afford a certain amount that you're putting such a high mark. You're putting such a high mahadi. So the mark needs to be put

01:44:54--> 01:44:54

to the

01:44:56--> 01:44:59

capability of the husband

01:45:00--> 01:45:12

that he has, if he's able to put that mark, and he's willing to put that mark, then that's the choice that he makes, and he has to uphold any the the choice that he has, that he has made.

01:45:18--> 01:45:42

And the idea, I think, is very important than the idea of Muhammad and understanding of Muhammad. And what is the dowry and the understanding of what a dowry is, is an extremely important, extremely important to understand how these things need a going. What's the average? mohar? That's something of any question, any many people have difference? Okay, what's the average man?

01:45:43--> 01:45:54

What's the chef I mentioned, I'm of the opinion any, around that number, at least, and in the society we live in today, in the community we live in today. I think that's an average any number that should be put

01:45:55--> 01:45:59

in, in the society in the community that we, that we live in.

01:46:01--> 01:46:08

And any just to be truthful with oneself, to be truthful with oneself with what I'm what I'm able to

01:46:10--> 01:46:11

what I'm able to put and

01:46:13--> 01:46:18

any we have in the Arab cultural culture, unfortunately, is what we call heaven. Our,

01:46:20--> 01:46:29

the they determined the term that is used that it's only ink on paper, it's only ink on paper, no, it's not income paper, it's an obligation. It's an agreement that has been made.

01:46:30--> 01:47:14

And the I'm of the opinion, Allahu alum that the idea of Mata Mata was beneficial at a period of time. And unfortunately, we're seeing that benefit is slowly slowly no longer there now. So maybe that needs to be revisited. The whole idea of Adam, Aha, I think it needs to be revisited. In the understanding, because this is something that was introduced. This is something that was introduced later on, to facilitate for for for the husbands to get married for them to be able to marry and so forth. But I think it's a it's it, there's more, there's more harm than benefit to it today. So revisiting that whole idea. A lot of the other communities for example,

01:47:16--> 01:47:47

the Malaysian community, the Indonesian community, they don't have this. They don't have the the Mahad is paid there. And then and it's given to the wife there. And then and that's it. And you sense of how long I remember I didn't want to, except once that was like that. And I felt myself I'm not even husband, I felt myself like the burden was lifted. I felt myself my husband was not even the husband. If I felt like that. What's the husband's in? Like? There's no, there's no more than any back and forth sort of any

01:47:48--> 01:47:49


01:47:50--> 01:47:52

with the mob? Any

01:47:53--> 01:47:54

Allah who

01:47:58--> 01:48:11

deserve a fair shake, amazing response. So we have a part two of these events, which I have done, however, it's getting late. So we're meant to finish at 930 But before that, shut up, I'm Gemma dinner. Have one last question.

01:48:12--> 01:48:13

Since you're here,

01:48:14--> 01:48:25

if there was one piece of advice you'd like to give to your sisters during their marriage process, what would it be what what pattern what pattern looks similar pattern Did you see across this is that maybe that's something they need to work on?

01:48:26--> 01:48:27

And shallow ended?

01:48:31--> 01:48:39

So like I said, okay, one piece of advice I would give besides all the other things I had mentioned about

01:48:40--> 01:48:51

you know, really trying to verify their character make sure you're on the same page and all of that. I'd say one piece of advice would be not to let yourself be pressured into speeding things up

01:48:52--> 01:49:17

you know, I'm trying to say because sometimes you will get sometimes the brothers will try to make everything go faster and you in your gut feeling or not feeling that that's where you want to go yet. So I would say to you believe in what you're feeling, take it it's better for you to take things slow and be sure of what you're getting into then you know really allowing him to speed you speed things up and then you're grading later on.

01:49:19--> 01:49:38

And all we all know the stigma we can't pretend there's no stigma surrounding sisters getting divorced there's there is a stigma we just have to acknowledge it don't try and say so as much as possible we you know, inshallah we have to protect ourselves as sisters and really before getting married before consummating the marriage. I'm telling you sisters, the ball is in your court.

01:49:39--> 01:49:43

After you once the marriage is complete completed

01:49:45--> 01:49:52

we can let's be honest, that pretty much the balls in the in the husband's court, right so that's why it is your time to really make sure you're getting into the right thing.

01:49:54--> 01:50:00

As Shaykh Abdullah was saying a lot of people aren't aware that if he hasn't even given you your math yet, and you know he has

01:50:00--> 01:50:02

He's not spending on you you're not in his household

01:50:03--> 01:50:39

you know, you're not he's not getting enough a car and all that then, you know, he hasn't got a right to to ask you to shoot, you know, to consummate and all that so I think it's very important for us to know our rights so that we don't get taken advantage of. So I think that's the best I could you know, maybe everybody reads inshore if anyone's got any further questions, they're more than welcome. You know, to contact me personally, you know, you know, most of you know, I'm on Facebook, Instagram. Some of you may have my number I'm happy to even WhatsApp, me. WhatsApp questions I don't take I don't tend to take calls. But if anyone you know wants to contact to ask

01:50:39--> 01:50:41

more personal questions, I'm here for you inshallah.

01:50:43--> 01:50:45

Just hold on everyone.

01:50:46--> 01:51:18

It's been a great event, like the discussion and before I, I for sure, I've learned a lot. With that being said, I do want to say we have a part two of this event next week, Tuesday, same time 730 to 9:30pm. And we also have plugged this in we have a fight Mr. W finale, which is on death by Marian doula and shareholder I guess decluttering center this Saturday. So inshallah We'll meet you there. And again, there's nothing like a message is referring to the chef, a chef I'm Jamal de Shakuntala Shabbat for

01:51:19--> 01:51:27

sharing the experiences and advices and honestly, judging from the questions that we got, we still have a lot of questions it's it's mostly like I was shocked when I was when I was reading it.

01:51:28--> 01:51:42

Yeah, I was very shocked. So it's no we're just uni students as well. So a lot of questions. With that being said again, massive thank you and ended so if you guys want to say anything, check up the line chef thing

01:51:44--> 01:52:04

is that the more home Allah bless you all with, you know, righteous husbands and wives Inshallah, that you know, bring happiness to your eyes and you know, help you to, to you know, be close to Allah subhanaw taala in this life and you know, enable you you know, to reach your you know, genetic results Inshallah, in the next life eating enough

01:52:08--> 01:52:20

medical, whether they're gonna head to the chef as well. So just something to put out there as I've seen in some of the the questions that put in sha Allah Allah we were putting together a marriage course

01:52:21--> 01:52:24

in the next couple of months in sha Allah Allah

01:52:25--> 01:53:08

at you my center but myself and another section Karami a shallow and it will be we've been doing this for a number of years now 100 level focusing on the flip side of marriage and the also the sort of the emotional and then the relationship side of marriage as well. So Chantal away any we're hoping to have something like that happen soon inshallah. And we've added to that apart too. As, as a chef, I mentioned that the stigma of divorce is out. So added to that part too, which is also the fifth and mannerisms of divorce, as well and how that sort of takes place. So in short, though, that may be something that is of benefit

01:53:09--> 01:53:09

as well.

01:53:11--> 01:53:17

But then just as well who ended the article, everyone, thank you for coming along.

01:53:20--> 01:53:24

TestoFuel comes to Santa Monica, right consider