Neglected & Forgotten Rights of Husbands & Wives

Umm Jamaal ud-Din


Channel: Umm Jamaal ud-Din

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He cannot watch Mohammed Abu,

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or praise the alpha law, we praise Him, we thank Him, we asked him for his help. And we asked him for his forgiveness. We seek refuge for the Long Island from the evil ourselves and the evil directions, whoever is guided by law, then no one can guide them and who have been misguided then no one can guide them except for lawful data, either bear witness that there is no god worthy of worship except Allah. And I bear witness that Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, it is one of messenger, my bad, first of all, as a foreigner, or often to live in Baraka to, to start to welcome you or he'd been probably learning Salah

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Subhan Allah we are alive or dead to make me less than beneficial for all of us in sha Allah. Because Allah as you all know, the power law that the husband is one of the main ways for a woman to enter agenda, the panel off, this is why for every woman after believing a lot, and you know, implementing his Deen, our greatest concern should be showing us how to, you know, try to have a stable married life with our husbands inshallah. And just to mention something here that the Panama sisters, over the years of United States assisted in many instances approaching me with their problems over the years. One thing I can say is that the majority of cases,

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if you look down to the root cause of most marital problems, so in the majority of cases, this is actually due to very simple things that needs to be changed. And not just looking back, of course, from the point of view, even from the husband's point of view, but in most cases, it's actually a real thing. It's just a whole lot of real things, that add up to be a very big thing, which is the big marriage problem for the face is that it's just a ton of logic, it's just more, right, it's just these small, simple things that we tend to forget about, and neglect with one another, you know, often we know set up marriage, like, you know, some are so happy and so like having the best

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intentions towards one another. But you know, how easy is this be honest, as time goes by, as the years go by, it's just it's human nature that we tend to take our marriage partner for granted, as time goes by, and we start to relax in a way, you know, highlighting in being a little bit careful the way we deal with it and stuff like that. So this is how, and it's from both the side of the wife and the side of the husband. So we have to realize highlight some time by making very small changes, that we can bring about very positive or positive results. inshallah, in our marriages, and I know a lot of people feel frustrated, they say why we have resistance to women, not for men, and inshallah,

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like, you know, we do have CPR classes for men, and he knows that and they are taught about the rights of the wife and stuff like that, and how to deal with their wives and stuff like that. And, you know, sometimes for after the football, stuff like that, please, don't wait. But at the end of the day, one thing, we have to always realize that a lot of women, they get frustrated, they think, Why won't my husband change, you know, but realize that, how long is that, you know, we can never make another person change, you cannot make you cannot tell a person change, notice change, actually, what's the best way to make someone change is to try to make some small changes yourself.

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And while we're making those small changes, you bring about a change in the other person. Because what happens is we get we get locked into a cycle,

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we tend to get locked into the cycle with one another. Right? And you get locked into habits with one lover, you know, because he reacts a certain way, you react a certain way. And because you reacted that way, he reacted a certain way. But imagine if you can change that cycle, imagine if he can react in a totally different way that he's not used to. What are you gonna do, you're gonna knock him off his platform, he's gonna be like, taken aback, and it's gonna cause you to sleep now, how am I gonna react versus not reacting from her usual way instead, so you have to realize that you can, Charlotte can make positive changes in your marriage. In short, while you may keep just

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sometimes looking at small things that you might be overlooking, and trying to implement these small changes and show love the email address or phone number one, we have to make drives where lots of hands are up and ask him for his help in making us successful inshallah. And, of course, you know, and this is what this advice I'm giving today is for the usual cases of marriage, of course, there are always those cases which are the, you know, like, very extreme cases, right, which there's numerous numerous, numerous problems.

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I'm not I'm not really dealing with that kind of marriage today on board. In fact, you know, mainly focus on like normal marriages, okay, the normal marriages, which, you know, that most people have and the normal problems that are

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happening most home.

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So we have to realize that sometimes just making that small change can make an enormous difference in our marriage. And, like, even,

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you know, for example, some of the psychologists have said, for example, a small thing, even just like having a meal together, like sometimes life gets so busy, that we're not even having even one meal a day together. You know, and they said that, you know, there was a lot of cases where they had husbands and wives coming to their, you know, offices, you know, almost falling apart in a marriage, and by the psychologist recommending them just to have one meal where they sit together alone, you know, maybe the kids are asleep, maybe it's not a night meal before going to bed, you know, maybe it's just a hot meal and a big get together. But just having that one meal, we think to get off,

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they take some time off by those partners.

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You know, marriage, married spouses, you know,

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implementing this meal together, that could actually make a huge positive change in a marriage just by the small action, because why isn't that me? And what's it doing, it's bringing together, it's either something that like food makes you feel happy, when you eat it, it's a comfort thing, you know. And then when you're sitting there, you start talking, you know, like, you know, yourself, I can't give you the opportunity to talk with it, it doesn't matter, we need to talk about this to you know, yourself that the men, once they married to you for a long, long time, you basically have to catch them to talk to you, you know what I mean? That was like, don't do this, you know, like, the

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one of the best ways to really capture the man to get him to really pay attention and talk to you is actually put the nail down because, you know, it doesn't have to come to that, you know, what I mean, for me the good way to get them in? Or to have that time with your husband to you know, to have that time to talk, but of course it does. You need to try and find a time where you can be more alone to have that that time together, inshallah.

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Okay, that's the first thing. So just remember that keep in mind that yes, this lesson is only for women, unfortunately. But remember, that, like we said, even Even so, the fact is, that when one person in a relationship makes a change, that can bring about change the other person when you make these changes, that the other person sometimes is forced to change, because they find you reacting in different ways. So keep that in mind, inshallah. So, you know, we're talking today about this forgotten and neglected rights of both husbands and wives. And a lot of data he told us in the Koran, why she

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like he says, if we then in a good unkind and honorable way, this is the way that the husband and wife to both be having that intention to live together, in the best of ways, in a way that pleases a lot of times. And it brings the rigor of a lot of times Allah for the boat, inshallah. So this should be our intention

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in our marriages, and that's why I would say first and foremost, he tried to, to fix any problems in my marriage. So first and foremost thing I would say to anyone inshallah is, number one, correct your intention towards your husband's correct your intention towards your husband, because, you know, if you look back and think about when you first got married, and how, you know, the early days, you're both really in love and all these my husband and everybody, no care guys, you were dealing with him? Do you think that you'd be honest with yourself, you'll find anything him the same thing, you find in the beginning, everyone was so nice with each other, it was treating each other

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so nicely, and manners and everything like that. But then as time went by, we started you know, not caring about the way we talk to each other, where we treat each other, instead. So the first step is taking that positive change towards your marriage, is to correct the intention. And, you know, to kind of like make this marriage Think about your marriage as a way of being close to a loss of power. If you think about your marriage as a way of being close to the camera, this will this will definitely help you in being successful in in acting in a better way and treating a husband in a better way. A lot of the times in the fraud in yada yada we level people up completely wrong. You

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see complaint on a level

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that is

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among those that you have in your heart, beyond any level

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up compile rocks that give you the code you bring it up the good for you. save a lot of the content I noticed in your heart, that you have this sincere intention that you know, you want to please a lot of hands on like in your marriage. And then you know, you want to try and correct your intention towards your husbands be sincere and trying to do it in a good way. A lot of times Allah will make make it easier for you to do so. You know, he'll make it easy for you to to speak in a better way to speak in a way to your

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I want to treat your husband shaba in a better way, because obviously, we don't, we haven't corrected this intention. Right. And if you have, you know, not that, you know, not that clear intention

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towards towards your husband, you find that, you know, bad words come out, you know from your mouth, when you get tricky or you know, your chair by the way you treat him and what if you just really be honest with yourself, you realize it's because of analog you haven't, you know, fixed your intention, you haven't corrected your intention

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towards your husband to make, you know, to want to leave, you know, really as far as trying to please Him Chava for the sake of a law, like I did before because you know, that inshallah, you know, as a pilot after believing in Allah and practicing his day, that one of the main ways to when to enter agenda is through her husband's the kind of law. So this is the very important point to start off with, creating our intention, inshallah.

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And also, remember, like, I said before, like, how many times we thought the marriage so nice and treat each other so well. But what why does marriage change? Why in the beginning, was it so good the marriage and why did it you know, go to become known for like caring more and stuff like that? A lot of thinking no longer that you were you made your own means that you value Maggie and to see him. So Allah does not change what the condition of a people until they can shed into a change themselves. So we can see that why did it happen in my marriage? Why did my marriage go for example, from the beginning being so happy and content to now it's like, we've got we feel these bad feelings

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towards each other and stuff like that? Have a look at what we did? How did we start changing the way we were treating each other? How do we start changing the way we start talking to each other, right? Because a lot

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the same thing, if you want a positive change in your marriage, it's not going to come about until you make those that you have take those experts, right, you have to take those positive steps first in order to bring about that change.

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Okay, so let's go on to the second point that I want to speak about today, of what is missing in our marriages. And, or, you know, not one of the things we're neglecting and forgetting about the marriages, like people think these are all simple things. And I mentioned that

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a very simple thing is just paying more attention to the way we speak to one another. It's a very simple thing, just being more conscious of the way that you speak to one another.

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You know, we all into a cycle of, you know, criticism, you know, we so like as time goes by, we don't just let quizzes and outcomes. So there have been criticizing him, maybe putting you down, nagging. Unfortunately, in some situations, even worse, they start to you know, abuse each other call each other names wearing out when it gets out of control. Okay, so if we use Panama, what is the message of a law so long white

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men can be left in the firewall,

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who ever believe in a law and the last day, then let him say the ghost or remain silent. Now imagine if every husband and wife did that.

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If every husband and wife just implemented this Howdy, we would see very little problems going on in marriages. But one thing now is, you know, unfortunately, we forget that Allah is watching us when we speak to our husbands. And the minute he kept recording our word sisters, and we will have to fake we will see, we will see those words, when we meet a lot of times are in the next slide without books assigned to us. Remember that Panama, everything is recorded for you, whether it's big or small. So Panama and you're going to be met with that you remember that when you say whatever comes out of your mouth, it is recorded for you, unless you make Toba to a lot of what you have said. So

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keep that in mind. Like somehow, like, you know, many times you think, okay, the way he's talking to me, I'm just gonna talk to him the same way. keep one thing in your mind. He is being judged what he's saying. And you're being judged for what he's saying. So say your thoughts have had a lot. He wants to say that let him be judged for it. But I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna let myself be judged. You know, I don't want to be responsible. Because whatever I say, I'm gonna have to face that you can't turn your camera on. My husband did that to me that I can get back to him. You'll be responsible for your date. He'll be responsible for his days. So that's one thing to keep in our

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minds and Sharla.

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So the Panama and also a lot of

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Now speak to the people weak in the best way like that. That's the people like, unfortunately over the story that so many times we're careful with our friends, we're capable capable with the people outside. But when it comes to inside the house, we don't care about how we treat that person or talk to them, you know, our children either we didn't have that kind of a malefic give us and make us better because we really should be the best to people inside our houses.

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You know, as the Messenger of Allah sallallahu taala excellent, and what meaning as a man as

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the best of the best, you know, the best of guys who are, you know, best in a man and most complete in their men,

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those who are most, you know, they have the best of that. And he said, Hi to come and meet

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me, like he said, the best of you are the best to debt families. And I am the best of you today family. So like, remember that if you're truly like, if you really consider yourself to have a close relationship with a lot of hands on out, then a sign of how close you are to Allah is in fact, the way you deal with those who are close to you. And that primarily is your family. Number one, because the kind of like it's very easy to act nice with people outside the home because you're worried about what people will think about you and stuff like that. But inside the home when no one's watching you That's a lot. That's how we find out whether the person in it how healthy is your Eman

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really in a lot. Because the more comfy you are, the more complete your Eman is, the more you're going to be conscious of a lot of times Allah watching you, right and no and realizing that a lot of times Allah is watching you, as you know, the mineral laws of find a sense

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that are in the console. If you don't know they're watching you, but you know who you are, know that he's watching you. If you can't see him in your activity card,

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you know what you can I think you can see him, then

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then know that he sees you. So this is what we should be implementing even when our behavior towards our husbands and towards our families.

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So this is, this is the thing about words. Once that word has left the town, you can't take it back.

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And sometimes that word can fall in the heart and get someone so deeply in the heart, they take a very long time to meant can cause such a wound in the heart like not, we don't realize that words can cause more damage to a person's heart than a knife, like a knife

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to get stabbed in the heart and they could get healed from it. But with a person could carry the wounds of that around in himself for years and he's elevated. So no, one's tongue in particular, because we have, you know, Allah has blessed us with the ability to really be able to express ourselves, in many cases a lot more clearly than what you know. Or, you know, how can I say emotionally, let's say that a man can and that, you know, you realize that when those words come out with emotion, you know that that can really hurt a man's heart for Panama. So realize that those words can really cause a lot of damage. So go back to what I said men can't I don't mean we learned

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you were young in earnest. But we'll fight one out yet would you ever believe along last day that let them say the good or keep silent bite onto your tongue because remember, you will be held to account for whatever comes out in your words or in your actions.

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I can go into Jesus given some guidelines of when are the most important times we should be even more extra careful in speaking to our belt, no, it's for husbands and wives, but I'm aiming it towards you today.

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So number one, they say the first occasion or one of the most important occasions to pay attention to when speaking to oneself is when calling them

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and you'll notice that the Prophet said a lot while he was there. When he used to whenever he would call to Ayesha for example, he would call her Yeah, yeah, she would call her in an endearing way. So it is very important to look at the way you call your husband's you know don't always call him by his first name. Like Mohammed. Why not

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call him some playful name. That title like here's the problem.

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What you don't realize okay, what you don't realize

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we are all like small children in older body.

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Like we look in the mirror Can you believe that you are 30 4050

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you can't saponify you still feel young? inside. So just like you like to be paid with and take life easy. Your husband like to be paid with

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By easy to you don't I mean, like, and the problem is we know life is full of problems like marriage life and any married woman who will be able to tell you, it's a hard life kind of law, it's a lot of striving. It's a lot of patience. But you got to make light of things.

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So it's very important for the woman's got to make light of things these days. And, you know, let's just start off with a we call calling

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pressures and hardship tinnitus. Like, imagine if we made that positive change in your house? How moody you're like,

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yeah, like, it's a small thing like that is like, Whoa, what's she calling like that today? I heard you're calling like that for like, 15 years now. It will make a different kind of law. Like, it's like you're bringing it back to when he was young. You're gonna main because as we get older, we get a bit like, what's it called Nashik a bit dry a bit. Anyway, it's all in your minds, your age, your mind, he could still be young, he can still play around, he can still have fun. Just because you're 50 years old, he can't have fun. So don't go back to the park and call each other by these cute names that brings you back to the part that makes you feel young. Right? This is seeing the guidance

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of the prophets that will one day he was so nice.

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So because because because Be careful, because obviously, you know, look at the way he went away. My husband's staying away from me. Why is my husband always distancing himself away from me? Why does he want to have two brothers and doesn't want to stay home? Or he didn't? Yeah, I call him and never wants to come home. Let's have a look at the way we speak to him. First of all, let's have a look at the way we call him. Yeah, is it every time he sees you, it's like a way to bring in your own needs, you know, like every single time he beats you. It's like a complaint. Or it's like, you know, there's a sarcasm, the way you speak to him the way you call him. Of course, after a while isn't

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going to do it right away, you know, to me.

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And I know, you're probably saying, well, look what it will do. It speaks to me, but why I'm saying just always remember, make that change first, because it's going to be very hard for your husband not to be nice to you, when you're suddenly acting very nice to him. It's very hard to be nasty to a person who's been nice to you. Have you ever tried being nasty to them? You're being nice. It's very hard. Okay, so obviously, if you're making that change, it is gonna have an IT is gonna give it time. Yes, maybe the first step is to do what she wants for me, right? But as time goes by you keep on doing that and keeping up with that behavior. inshallah it can make positive changes in Sharma.

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Okay, so the second thing that the second kind of skill is recommended that the women or men pay attention to the way they speak to each other, is when they want to ask for something for the husband and wife, you know, to look at the way you're asked not to make it a hard thing. Like you're making a nagging way or criticizing criticizing ways, you know, it's going to be done in a lightweight way. Like, you know, like comodi, like, martial law a lot. Have you done with me today that you know what? Mind, but we need, we need to

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do it on your way home from work to bring it to the opener, just to try and make it your positive way of

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asking for something like the Panama.

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The best thing to do actually see this. Look at the way you're asking that thing from your husband, and ask yourself, would you like someone to ask me in that way? If that was my husband asking me this thing? Would I like him to ask me in this way? Like the messenger the last little while while he was said, he said to me,

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maybe maybe seem to me, like one of you does not believe. And so he loves his brother, what he loves what he saw? And what did it teach us? It teaches us to treat others as we'd like to be treated as adults. So that that's key, like if we want to know how can I talk to my husband's, you know, in order to ask him something from him to ask him to do something for me. Think about what would be the best way i'd love someone to ask me for something because we all feel burdens. We all feel pressured with. Everyone's constantly demanding from us, our kids demand from us, our wives demand from us, you know, we have problems. And then on top of all and says, Oh, can you get this for me? Can you

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get that for me, you know, and you feel more burden to make that that request in a light way can convince that burden and make it lighter to yourself, you understand?

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And the other thing too, sisters,

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is when your husband does something for you don't overlook the small thing. Because what we tend to do, like again, we take it for granted, no matter what he does, even if it's putting a cup in the sink. Right? To say does alcohol paid on

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it for that? You know, just in a small model, a small thing he does for you put the rubbish out. Remember to put the rubbish out, you know, if you want to change behavior, like we all know there's little things that drive us crazy about 100

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But I keep forgetting to do or they are they don't, you know, they, you know, things that we that annoy us, right? Look, it's been proven, that criticism really doesn't get you very far. In fact, it tends to make the problem worse, the best way to solve the problems is to get bring about a positive change is by what's called positive encouragement to pinpoint the positive things he does. And to try and reinforce the positive behavior. So one of the ways of doing that is obviously by thanking Him and showing sincere appreciation, when he does do that thing, to show sincere appreciation for that thing and say, does that come? Okay? Do you know what that means? To me? When he did that? For

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me? Well, one thing I know, you might think it's a small thing. But to me, it makes a lot reflect that back to him. Because Don't you think that when someone reflects back appreciation like that, I'm by far more likely to repeat that in the future. They are when you get positive feedback from someone, and you know, you feel good, and it makes you feel good that you've done something, you'd be more inclined to do that, that thing in the future. And also, the other thing would have been is to work on the positive points, to try to bring about change in the negative points. You know, you can't keep on harping basically, on the negative point, it really won't get you very far. So if you

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want to change the negative point, you have to keep reinforcing positive points and good quality feedback. Like, for example, I've had teachers that told me, you know,

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my husband doesn't like his kids, and he's pretty, you know, he hasn't, I wish my husband would be more diligent when he pays and pays pays on time. And so what you do, you know, like when when that when your husband does go to the mosque, I just pray, for example, budgeting time or something like that, you know, how are you paying, for example, you know, martial law, my barracks, and uh, when you go to the mosque, you don't know how much more of your estimation in my eyes, like sometimes like, I'll have huge respect in my heart for you know, like, you don't try to focus on the positive thing he's doing. And that slowly, slowly and surely will bring about

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a positive change. Okay, the other thing we have to do also, or a third time, sorry, that the scholars recommended, we were very careful in when we speak to each other. If we want to talk about something serious, we want to stop the problem. Or we want to, you know, we want to make a complaint about something that's happened in a day, right? The very important thing is that both the husband wife should choose a time that's appropriate to speak. Now, a lot of women have this bad habit, that the moment the husband lands on the doorstep,

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he opens the door. And suddenly, he was lying to him.

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You know, like, Oh, my God, he just walked through the door, and she's buying it at the doorstep, like, what would you do that was, you know, what I brought her around and run away. So you know, it is important to choose the right time, if you see your husband comes home, got that serious book,

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you know, especially the hobby married, the more Intune you are with your husband, you can read him by his face.

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So when you see his face looking like this, you know, it's not a good day to talk about something, because he didn't talk to you about it, he was gonna say no, or he's gonna react in a negative way, right? So you got to make sure that when you're approaching, he's in a good mood, he's in a happy mood. That's when you set when you're approaching adaptable issues, don't try a protein when he's concerned about a problem or upset about something you're not going to get very far. So it is very important to choose the right time.

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And the other thing is that when you do speak together, the majority of your conversations shouldn't be negative.

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Let's look at

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the majority of our conversations with my husband as the majority of our conversation negative, or are they 90% positive. And sometimes we have a few negative conversations. But in general, our conversations in general are 90% or even over 90% positive, okay? Because I want you to keep something in mind and show up when you're speaking to your husband. And that is what the Messenger of Allah told us. That the need to a lot

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is that you bring happiness to your fellow Muslim,

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the most beloved to Allah, is that you bring happiness to the heart of your fellow Muslims, and you relieve him of his strength. Now we think about that when it comes to our business plan, we think or how could I make that customer happy? How could I bring happiness to her? How could I leave her district? But we don't think about that when it comes to our own husband upon a lot like so why not try to bring happiness to his heart? Why not try and cheer him up, bring happiness to his heart, and if he's feeling sad or down, try to relieve him and relieve that stress. And remember that that's the most the love and deeds are more successful.

00:30:00--> 00:30:15

One time at the very beginning, try to view your marriage as a way of getting close to a law, you know, deal with to deal with your marriage. And then when you start to deal with your marriage, then that can make a very positive change in your marriage.

00:30:20--> 00:30:24

For the first occasion, when the scholars said we should be careful when we speak to each other

00:30:25--> 00:30:39

is when the husband and wife are upset with each other. This is when we have to take particular care of the way that we speak to each other and what words come out of our mouth because when we get angry, we know that from time to time, we'll be there

00:30:41--> 00:31:24

shaitan will be there and he'll be trying to make it work. And you know, authentic has been mentioned about how the strike on you know the way that you know he's on his throne is over the water. And every day he sends his armies out, to try to create fitna in the earth and create enmity in the earth. And then when I when I get armies comes back and tells him that I may be there between a husband and wife, that shaitan elevates that that that he elevates that one, he elevates it and says you are you are the word the one he praises him for it like an idiot, for the greatest successes of the shape on that he can create equity, enmity between the husband and wife. And the

00:31:24--> 00:31:35

number one time we take my goodness way to come to you is especially when you're really upset with each other and having an argument that we will take particular care of the way to speak to one another.

00:31:36--> 00:32:07

Now, if we look at the messenger of a law for a long while he was set up from his beautiful manners and perfect manners is that the title of when he would become upset with one of the family members is that his face would become red. That would be the fate that changes his face. And in fact, he wouldn't actually say something. He wouldn't criticize the food. He wouldn't criticize the family member, but rather, he was faced with become red and they could see in his face that he was upset about something.

00:32:09--> 00:32:13

And then they want to know what was it to try work it out, even if it's just

00:32:14--> 00:32:15

riding along and have a

00:32:17--> 00:32:20

look at the message of a law accident.

00:32:21--> 00:32:22


00:32:23--> 00:33:02

his wife that will come in Jana, but even babies to have arguments, sisters, even they used to sometimes have disagreements, even though that was the most quiet of the people on this earth, but they had disagreements from time to time. So having disagreements is not something abnormal, it's normal, but it's a way to deal with a disagreement. It's what is the word that kind of your tongue it's your actions that show the difference between the truly the truly watch a person and the one who just watches by name. You know what I'm trying to say? So look at what the she used to do. When she's upset with the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. For example, when she was happy, she say

00:33:03--> 00:33:06

what people have missed. She was swept by the water Mohamed

00:33:08--> 00:33:20

she was she was white. There's a lot of Mohammed whenever she was happy. But when she became upset with him it and give a lot. She would say well look at going by the goal of superheroes, so she wasn't saying something wrong.

00:33:24--> 00:33:33

But she was saying to the profit, that she's upset in the center from that he would know that he's done something that she's upset and that he'd want to know what happened to you. Yeah.

00:33:35--> 00:33:41

Look, it's very important in marriage licenses to overlook most things.

00:33:42--> 00:33:42


00:33:43--> 00:33:58

don't pay close attention to anything. You know, and I said this is if you're in your home, thinking too much about what your husband's doing. I'm saying to you, you have too much time on your hands. Get a license.

00:33:59--> 00:34:45

Seriously get alive make yourself happy. Like one important point they always mention I say this by the psychologist and that they say no one is the wrong thing we think is that I got married to my husband's make me happy. Okay, know why you shouldn't be thinking it's no one's responsibility to make you happy. It is no one's responsibility. To make you happy is only your responsibility to make yourself happy. When you learn that, that your own responsibility to make yourself happy. That is the key to having happiness in your marriage. make yourself happy sisters, get a life for yourself. Do things that make you happy and make it live a live a productive life do things that bring good to

00:34:45--> 00:34:59

others and breed benefits. You understand studying, doing something that you know especially studying the day that the from the vector things I could recommend studying the day is when the best of things. So when you find yourself busy with productive things that bring here for goodness

00:35:00--> 00:35:22

Like, you have, you won't have much time to think about, or pay attention to the mistakes of your husbands in December, it's the board woman, or the one who doesn't have enough time. Yet she has too much time on her hands, that she's been thinking about all the things and why is my husband made me happy and you know, make yourself happy. And then you won't be so dependent on your husband to make you happy. Right. That's an important point.

00:35:25--> 00:35:27

So going back to what I was saying, so

00:35:31--> 00:36:14

most of the things that he does, but of course, I'm not saying everything he does on time, there are real issues that are eating away at you. And that's also not healthy thing, just to be passive and just forget about it and just keep overlooking and overlooking. And to one day, you overlook so much that you just explode in his face and had no idea that this was annoying you And whose fault that it's actually not his bowl, it's actually your fault, because you could have easily brought that to his attention a long time ago, in a positive way that didn't have much emotion attached to it, isn't it, and he probably would have listened to you. And because you chose the right time to talk to him.

00:36:14--> 00:36:31

And he came across in a positive way. And when he didn't have that negative emotion attached to it, he might have listened to you but when it but when you weighed in that, you know until he exploded, it cannot be that negative emotion where he's just gonna walk it out, he doesn't want to know about it, you understand. So this is why

00:36:32--> 00:37:09

I'm not saying you completely forget about everything he does. There are some times but but what we should do too is pinpoint don't look at every little bad habit he has twice, try to overlook you know, anything, you're busy with your life you won't be so pay attention to every little bad habit but, but if there is a particular thing is a real, a real issue for you, you know, pinpoint that one thing and then highlight to him all of his good points. This is what I love about it is what makes me love you. But to kind of look at just this one thing, you could change the law, he I know, it's not easy to change it, but like, at least he could give some suggestions about how he could make a

00:37:09--> 00:37:11

positive change in that particular area.

00:37:12--> 00:37:51

Now, one of the one of the important points I want to mention here, too, is we're going that we're talking about arguments, and how to, we should be careful with arguing. Now I use this example, that, you know, her arguments were coming so bad that her husband was getting into swearing, you know, like there was wearing with each other, it's called a sister partner who died. So this is the partner, she's having these arguments with her husband. And it's getting out of control, like a case in point with eight instances where each other. Okay. And so, basically, you know, the advice I told her, I said to her, first of all, what do you do when you get in that real heated situation, your

00:37:51--> 00:38:03

husband's not abusing you, maybe he's calling your name, something like that. What you should do is remind him of a law in that moment when he is abusing you. Don't think about yourself right now.

00:38:05--> 00:38:43

Think about a lot thank him, for example. You know, thinking for example, you know what? subpoena law, I'm trying my best, I'm sorry that you're not happy with me in this particular area, for example, but you know what a law knows, I'm trying my best a lord knows and just make an app, tell him Look, if you're not happy with this app, like have a lot to offer me and ask a lot to change me in you know the way you want. For example, you know, what I'm just trying to say, I'm giving you some suggestions, you can think about your own thing. But what I'm trying to say mentioned a warm one, I think mentioned a lot. Because when three people are witnesses, when people are angry with

00:38:43--> 00:39:26

each other, the statement will always be there. When you mentioned a lot, it makes the second run away. So kind of like when you mentioned a lot, it makes the shake on one away. And also when you mentioned a lot suddenly your your husband's because shaitan as Mr. Walker law told us, he runs in the park and he runs into the body of the blood bank to the bank, isn't it? So when a person is very angry, they've walked out everything. So when you're trying to have a law, your mother in law now suddenly he thinks about lots of data. He's not thinking about a lot watching me now a one knows what I'm saying and it sets your mind up. That's one thing. Another thing to keep in mind is

00:39:26--> 00:39:59

something that is that, you know, any given Sadie's as well, that while you're when you are when you when you restrain your tongue while someone's abusing you. And they are criticizing you and saying things to hurt your feelings. Remember, the angels are making drama for you. The anger the making drama for you for as long as you are patient and not responding. And this demonstrates in a hudy a which I would walk with your loved one who once was sitting with a puppet for a while when he was seven, and then Kane has been abusing other bots. So Obama was saying

00:40:00--> 00:40:16

Patience, and patience and patience, you know, like this man was saying the worst thing and really hurting his feelings, and he was remaining patient and patient until he couldn't bear it any longer. And he responded. Now, when Obama responded, the profits will go up and let

00:40:17--> 00:40:23

so then walk into the prophet to work, he was abusing me. So like, you know, I responded, you know,

00:40:24--> 00:40:55

the prophets are wise. And he told him, while you were patient and not responding, there was an angel, who was making drama for you, and, you know, supporting you. In other words, right. But the minute you responded, the shikon came, and I can't be anywhere with the shape on stage. So I had to get the lead. So that's what you should remember that, like, remember that, you know, again, remember that somehow you are being rewarded by you being patient at that time. Anyway, look, when you're in an argument.

00:40:57--> 00:41:27

There's no point responding at that time, he's not even going to listen, when your husband's very angry. It verges to just be silent. And just, you know, reflect it back. Yes, you're right. Yes, inshallah, you know, make dogs, the mate, who can show all of those, I'm trying my best, reflect it back like that, then when he's calmed down, because he can't fight with someone who's not fighting back. it'll burn out, like, he's got that anger, you know, come out to get it all out. And then that's the

00:41:28--> 00:42:08

happy part with someone who's not fighting back with you. You can't, you don't I mean, because after what it just, it just burns out, you don't burn out anymore, but you keep putting throwing the logs into the fire, just let the fire burn itself out. You know, we open our everything's calm down. That's when you go with your tax, women, stupid martial law. Remember that, as well. It's been proven that women are more like, we have that strength, in a way of inability with bracing ourselves may not always be good in expressing their emotions and feelings. So sometimes, the way they have to express themselves is through anger or through actions, you know, they don't know how to this is

00:42:08--> 00:42:45

very get that what they want to say out there is you've got a lot of blessed you with being able to express yourself in a better way and to get to get your emotions out. So keep that in mind. It's not always his fault. He's a man. So anyway, we're gonna maximize this is the button also said before, so she tried it is not actually really work, but does really work. And she was able to, like, turn around that behavior in her household so that, you know, it didn't play up to those really to be arguments like you can, you can turn around that that you know, negative thing that's happening in your house by making such a change and Sharmarke.

00:42:49--> 00:42:51

The other end you could remember to that.

00:42:53--> 00:43:34

It's very important the way we speak back at those times of anger, because subhana wa you can sometimes say word and that word could create so much hatred in a person's heart towards you. And they can't let go of it. And you know that that moment of anger could make up the other person. Forget about all the good things you've ever done. It's amazing. You could live with someone for years. But that destructive tongue of yours could destroy him remembering any good thing you've ever done. So this we have to remember that the peloton has an amazing power. That's why why do you need to listen to the last day I guarantee paradise. Whoever restrain these two things, and the first one

00:43:34--> 00:43:40

is, is the private part. And the second one is the tongue and what's between the doors.

00:43:41--> 00:43:45

You can restrain those two things, he saw that that person is guaranteed paradise.

00:43:46--> 00:44:27

One more thing to keep in mind when arguing the messenger of a law. So last one he was Dylan said, I guarantee a place in Jana, for that person he gives up arguing even if he's right. Remember sisters and then has the male ego. Right? They like to always be right. Because they're quite trying to win the argument because it's very important to him to be the winner. Right? So what you should say to yourself is, look, have these fish in your heart and say I'm going to give up these arguments that likeable law. I want there was a lot of messenger a lot taller to ever give the arguing, even if they're right, that he promises in a place in general. So the key guy in your mind that is edited.

00:44:27--> 00:44:38

Make your marriage. Yeah, have the intention in your marriage that you know to have a sense towards the last handout that you think you needed to allow for your marriage, this will make a big difference. And

00:44:40--> 00:44:53

the other thing is one more thing before I continue on with the points I have. The other thing is this is only up to so this is a very deep question. Ask yourself, how you will be remembered.

00:44:55--> 00:44:59

How you will be able to remember you when you leave this life. That's a very important thing.

00:45:00--> 00:45:34

The question to ask ourselves, you know, like, think about how would you like to have the tremenda? You just think you die before your husband? How would you like your husband to remember you? You know, how would you like your children to remember us, everyone wants to be remembered in the best of ways. But have a look at our behavior, have a look at the way we speak, have a look at our actions, executive make 100 remember us in a good way, or our children of immigrants in a good way, how did remember us that's what we really should be focusing on as well. So remember, because those people were left behind, they're the ones we can only hope upon to make life easy.

00:45:35--> 00:45:37

For people who are close to you, they're the ones that

00:45:39--> 00:45:43

make rock rock and shut off. So we don't want to leave foot behind him and the

00:45:44--> 00:46:00

hatred behind that come with a dislike or whatever we want people to have, you know, has said that, you know, even to say that, you know, does that hold off here, she was a righteous wife and make the opposite. You know, like as a reasonable I am writing that was up to have all been unhappy.

00:46:01--> 00:46:01


00:46:04--> 00:46:06

was happy and pleased with her, she'll enter the jungle.

00:46:08--> 00:46:14

And one more point I should also mention here two sisters that yes, I know that there are some women they do everything.

00:46:15--> 00:46:19

And yet their husbands are you could say ungrateful. And they

00:46:20--> 00:47:06

have bad manners and bad luck and everything. So just remember that remember that your whatever you do is never locked with a law. Even if your husband does not appreciate what you're doing, he does not appreciate your exam. A lot rejects your exam. And remember that nothing is wasted with a law in no law Hannah your regular will see a lot of not waste the reward of the cleaning those who do good so you will see it in your book of records show when you meet a lot in the next slide. So that's an important thing to keep in your mind I deal with a lot and don't don't don't hold too much hope for hugging appreciation from from the creation and bombers creation is your husband or your children.

00:47:06--> 00:47:34

Okay, this leads me to the next point of some other small points inshallah, that we can change, inshallah, to bring about positive changes marriages inshallah, from this is just a small thing, like having mentors, having mentors, when we go to the house, how much melons Do we have with others? How do we talk to them, look how likely you are someone to give you something, or maybe you talk to me how much it matters to them,

00:47:35--> 00:47:40

just by improving your matters with your husband can make a huge difference.

00:47:42--> 00:47:53

It can make a huge difference with the way your husband can respond with you. And and and the whole environment of the of the of the married life can change just by having been amended

00:47:54--> 00:47:57

the message of the law so long what he was saying, he said,

00:47:59--> 00:48:18

should I tell you about the what those of you who be closest to me and your piano, who are those who are going to be close to the open and when they are raised up on your piano. He said, those of you that have systems for those of you who have bested character to have the best character. And

00:48:19--> 00:49:01

so so the best, the character having a good character is something that the reward for it is that surely be raised with the message of a lot in the next slide is something that brings you closer to the message of a law in his life. And he describes the good bad as being the person who is open hearted, humble towards others, and who are friendly and make friends easily. And equal, make friends with them. So the friendly outgoing person, the nice person, this is what we have to try to mold our characters into being not being judgmental, not being critical, critical, in a sense, try to be friendly, outgoing, loving, this is the way it should we should be having our you know, having

00:49:01--> 00:49:05

a beautiful medical show off, especially with our husbands and with our families.

00:49:06--> 00:49:28

And also, you know, it was awesome and we can do a lot what is the main thing that will help the person into Jana? He said, Sacco wah wah systems pull up that terrible law and the beautiful manage the personal one of the good character. This is what Cipolla will be one of the main pieces of the main thing that helps a person to enter a journal.

00:49:32--> 00:49:54

So the panels is we have to realize the first people we should be looking for to show the beautiful manners towards without it the people closest to us. And so obviously, if we're married, the number one person is our husband, if we're not married, then the number one person obviously the the mother. And then after that our father, and if we look at the Messenger of Allah, look at how sensitive he was.

00:49:56--> 00:50:00

You know, like what you have to realize, is the messenger

00:50:00--> 00:50:07

In the messenger, the Messenger of a law firm, he realized that getting closer to a law is not just by yourself

00:50:08--> 00:50:11

getting close to alive, not just by your soul

00:50:12--> 00:50:45

and your boxing and your and your prayers. And your you're a bad dad, getting close to Allah is by showing extend to those around you and the best to show extension is your husband and your family. And that's why I look at him so long while he was sad that the first thing he would do when he would come into his house, he would use a C whack. Why? Because he didn't want his family members to even Appendix A slice with basmati spritz the panel that's how conscious he was

00:50:46--> 00:50:55

of showing extend towards his family members, even to the limit of not wanting to even smell the slightest bad snowbee Abby will Mijares to Lhasa Santa. Right.

00:50:57--> 00:51:37

As the panel of sisters. The other thing that you know that the it mentions that he had when he would come into the house, despite how much he was grounds with his outside work of serving the oma and all mentioned all the people used to come to him with questions and an apartment leading armies and everything was doing outside. But she said that when he would come into the house to Panama, that he would start to serve his family, like whatever his family was doing. Like if one of them was making a shirt, he would come and talk to him that shirt, if one of them was making sure, he would come to love what it was and make sure that he didn't feel it was true below him to come and work

00:51:37--> 00:52:11

with his family and help them in something that they're doing. So a lot of what he said and and, and you know, a lot and he showed that he was happy to do that. Why? Why was he happy because he knew that this is a way of getting close to a lot more action people little things, that this is something that, you know, brings a person close to a lot, but we find that he was very humble in the way he deals with his family, and bringing happiness to his family. Like we said it harder to bring happiness to the to the heart of your believing

00:52:13--> 00:52:25

brother, or sister. This is from this is from the most beloved deeds a lot. So keep that in mind that doing these little simple things that can bring happiness to your husband is something that the Panama

00:52:27--> 00:52:53

can give you so much rewards like, Look, you know, it's a parallel, it's mentioned that, for example, and this is also one, one thing we sometimes neglect to do is just to show like doing simple, small things, to show your love and affection towards your husband like he loves to be cared about, or Jackie loves. I should say, Don't you love to feel cared about? Yes, everybody on the face of the earth loves to feel cared about.

00:52:55--> 00:53:33

Your husband loves to feel cared about. Now, caring about someone doesn't mean you have to go buy an expensive car and they look happy this would have bought you. Right? It doesn't have to be in big things. If you look at the relationship of the prophet SAW what was going on, and his wife, Paula sisters, they used to show the love and care in the simplest of ways. But what he had the biggest effect on the heart the smallest action, but has the biggest effect on the heart, like isolation held off. So what what he was selling, that he would, he would ask me, for example, to bring him

00:53:35--> 00:53:58

some soup. And then when she brings a suit, he would prefer her to drink first before him he'd say no, no, you'd read first. Right? And so when he when she would drink first, he would see where she played her, her lip on the cup. And then he would make sure to turn to turn the suit. And he would take you on the same page where she has

00:54:00--> 00:54:13

to polar like look, how cool is that? How expensive was that? How much did that cost? And yet imagine how huge is the effect on the person's heart to show the love upon a law

00:54:16--> 00:54:39

and, and some kind of law and so we would say to her for example, drita it before me and it should say normal law has been seen before, you know we actually have a fight about who's good big service. For example, you know, to me, I said if I'm showing that no, no, no. You go first, you know, it'd be like this. So that that brings love and even having maybe a fight even laughing about the fight because if I fight you back who's gonna drink first, right?

00:54:41--> 00:54:43

So these are some of the ways and

00:54:46--> 00:54:59

also, we see how you know it's important in married life, to sacrifice one's own interest at times for the interest of your husband now. For example, just say your husband loves cars and you

00:55:00--> 00:55:05

One of the most boring things in your whole life, or he loves computers, and you find to be the most boring thing

00:55:08--> 00:55:44

from the wisdom of the wise wife is that you've got to show, you know, you show attention to what he loves. The way to make to the way to win someone's heart, is by showing interest in what they love. That's what brings it close to you, if you want to bring that you want to be in the heart of your husband, one of the best ways of doing it, even if you bring a tape and going, Yeah, you know, like, but just to ask questions, you know, like, so how's that computer program going? You're working on right now, but you don't have a clue about it? You know, try to find out the question. Okay, so what what what program are you using now? Like?

00:55:45--> 00:55:56

What was it that car you working on? Now? How's it going? finished yet? You know, like, you've got a shredder into it. Now, if you look at the profit, so words, and we say that he did this, for example.

00:55:57--> 00:56:40

Yeah, that story when there was an Ethiopian coming to play with this bees in the mosque. Right. And what did he do? He wanted to watch those Ethiopians playing with the feet. Now, the prophet of Allah things needs to be right now. Right. But she wants to watch the Ethiopian playing with his beard. And so it's mentioned that, you know, he stood taller than him with his back, you know, screening her with his cloak. And she placed her chin on the shoulder, and she's watching over his shoulder, the Ethiopian, and she mentioned how a lot even she got tired of watching, but she wants to see how long will you stay standing for her? You know what I mean? She was she she was very cheeky, it

00:56:40--> 00:57:20

sounds like you have to read her article, she was just to see how long was it for me, you know, he stayed there. Until he even he's moving his feet like that he's obviously getting tired. So as I'm standing there waiting for her to finish, but he didn't say anything, he let her get her for enjoyment. So what we learned from the full story is, he has to like, very likely without giving and taking. And we sometimes complain, why doesn't my husband show interest in my things, and he hasn't given me you know, like, he hasn't given me my emotional attention and stuff like that, or not meeting my emotional needs. But we need to also look at the way we are meeting his emotional needs,

00:57:20--> 00:57:57

you know, and showing interest in what he's interested in. And then when you start showing interest in his thing, he might start in your account or your studying club going. So your marriage is very much about giving and taking, we can't be thinking, why am I getting his? Why am I getting that we think we should be changing? Wait a minute, how much am I getting? How much am I showing attention. And then, and then society tonight, hello. And it's sometimes you do have to like highlight your husband said, you know, I'd really love it. To show you what I'm doing. I you maybe haven't noticed, but I've actually been working on this great, great tapestry, for example, and I will have to show

00:57:57--> 00:58:37

you some time what I'm doing, you know, like, Dennis Dan, and to show you how to get also your needs met as well, you sometimes have to highlight that. But we'll fix it. Another example is how the message of a law was writing with our show, like Heather went to the outskirts of the city, and he headed right with her. And the first time she beat him. And then later on, after a bad day, there has not been right. And this time, because she got a bit older and she's a bit heavier. He beat her and he said that's for that, you know, I can pay you back. In other words, if we're gonna have fun, like I'm gonna make married life, more light and find a mate, how are we doing? You still have to

00:58:37--> 00:58:46

try and make the marriage like fun and not make it so heavy and try even about what problems you're having to try and lighten up and make it happy. You know?

00:58:49--> 00:59:32

So we have to be like, this is like, this is what happens. Like, you know, a lot a lot of cases you'll find their sisters that she's doing all the cooking. She's doing all the cleaning. She's looking after the children. But you know what's happened because she started grounds with everything she's doing. She's not actually meeting the emotional needs of her husband, she's forgotten about the husband needs to feel that care and love. Right. So what I said is sisters, if you're feeling so ground that you're no longer able to really show that love and care towards your husband, I say to you take off some of those responsibilities because look, sometimes it is put extra responsibility

00:59:32--> 00:59:41

on so that they couldn't do without like, you know, I know some sisters for example, she feels like she has to wash all five children every single night.

00:59:42--> 00:59:59

We do not have to give your kids a bath every single night. Every single one of them like it does make okay if you wanted that you're you're happy you're having a happy wife, your husband, my kids and and boss every single talk and polish every single window in your house right? If that's making you happy

01:00:00--> 01:00:34

We're happy married life and you're having a great emotional life with your husband fine. But you're finding yourself like feeling like bitter because of your life because you know, like you haven't you know, you got the time you don't take it out and I would say to use this to sit down and think about what can I What can I cross off and relate myself like that treatments and things off your shoulders? You know, like, don't pop them every night buy them every third night. Yeah, do not try they take reduce, reduce your needs to make yourself feel happier. And in the things you're doing that

01:00:36--> 01:00:36

are not

01:00:37--> 01:00:52

so what maybe one day didn't make the bed. You understand he might not care he probably prefer that you had that loving relationship with him when you come home and change that love and care. How are you happy with a big smile on your face? He probably prefer that more than have all the bad things tied in.

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Here like often you find that the husband

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who's you know if his emotional needs are being met, you find that you overlook so many faults of a woman and the house like you might find a woman she's like doing the same cooking like, she's not the chef. Okay, she's not perfect clean up. But why is to happen, but before he fades, because she's really emotionally that he feels she's really loved and cared for. So he's happy even though he's got maybe a bit of a messy house a little bit not that perfect like someone else. But the other the other half. He comes up with the grumpy face Why? He talks Mashallah beautiful. He's got the it's vacuumed every single day, the kids are speaking Spanish perfectly. I'm close. But he's got the big

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berries face. Why? Because the Panama he's white, the stone ground and so grumpy and bitter that it comes down on the husband, you understand? So you could ask yourself, alright. Like, I'm obviously not a good wife, my husband, like, obviously taking it out, I'm feeling better. What are some things I can do to change in my life to make myself write up and not feel this burden. You know, maybe there's someone who can come and help me like, you know, and and see what you can do understand and relate your sock, sock, all of the things you're doing, maybe you don't need to actually do a lot of the things you're doing, maybe you're overdoing it. That's why I found a lot of pieces actually

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overdoing it. And it hasn't really wouldn't care too much if I didn't do a lot of those things. Right. So that's something to keep in mind.

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And the other Okay, another thing is like, like what we said before going back to the story of I Shannon profit. So I've been I'm more direct more things to show the love and care, we're talking about the simplest things, like when you see your husband, to show you to happy to save to smile, that's such a small thing. But that can make such a big difference in the relationship. And occupation is when he comes home, he said what he found in the door with the key that he tried to go to the door and greet him at the door that Mr. Lee called how you like, it makes him feel welcome and so happy that you know, you even open the door for him that makes him too happy. You know, or

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when he's going to eat very, very, he comes home late, you, you you instead of just like ignoring that you go and sit with him and make him feel had company, you know, when he's leaving in the morning,

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to actually go to the door and wave goodbye to him and show that care looks upon a lot. You know, both violin and even the psychologist has shown it's these small little things, sisters, it's a small little thing that neglected and forgotten, that salivate. They actually, they can cause the biggest problems in marriages. And then by doing just just changing it small little things that we're neglecting as time goes by can make each other big improvements. inshallah, in the marriage.

01:03:46--> 01:03:48

Oh, okay. Before

01:03:49--> 01:03:54

going on more, I think I prefer to maybe ask some questions. So if anyone would like to ask some questions,

01:03:55--> 01:04:02

I'll start taking some questions. But what's gonna happen is there's going to be bubbles and the bubbles start coming in. So if anyone has any questions,

01:04:04--> 01:04:08

I'll start taking questions. And while you're thinking about those questions, I'll continue to be more.

01:04:10--> 01:04:17

So start from that question if you've got questions are asking so we can because once the questions start, they can start going for a long time and and whatnot.

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But if they want to ask anything right now, one thing to keep in mind, what was thinking about those those questions? One thing to keep in mind is the ones that say something to the ones who truly has a sense in dealing with their husbands. Right? Is not the one who's they have been used in a nice way actually was the one who really has a stand in deal with the husband is the one who their husband doesn't is not dealing with them, and neglecting their rights. And yet they're still showing it towards their husband, despite him neglecting their their rights and stuff like that. Like there was a man who came to the pockets of a Walmart he was done and he came complaining about his

01:04:58--> 01:04:59

relatives and he said you

01:05:00--> 01:05:29

So I have relatives, and as for my best to keep ties with them, but they cut me off. I give to them, but they they withhold from me. I'm kind of good with them, but they treat me in a bad way. So listen to the law. What did he say to that man? He says, if you are as you're saying you are that if you're obese, you're letting them eat from the protect up to breathe from the duck's of the ash of the fire.

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So, so in other words, if you're doing everything good, and your husband is oppressing you despite your accent, that is not a good thing for the husband and he will be asked about that that is a goal and that is an oppressor so he will be asked about that. But keep in your mind like I said earlier that ignore my hand and zero as he does not hold the date of the thing to be bought.

01:05:59--> 01:06:02

Anybody questions? Yep? Yep.

01:06:12--> 01:06:12


01:06:13--> 01:06:39

Hence is not actually the you know, the Nazis the ryan Okay, so that's the rules of silicon don't actually apply to your in laws. The main reason or motive for for remaining Tang, a good relationship with your in laws is out of pleasing your husband. Which one is your husband? He plays a lot. Okay, but if you're, if you're in or harm you, and you're in your husband knows that it's not like there is a sin on you if you don't,

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you know, go to them and stuff like that. It is not like maintaining blood type. Okay, maintaining blood type is something separate.

01:06:50--> 01:07:13

The kids Hunter, parent, oh, yeah, no, no, he can take them that, that this is the raw him that he knows or this is about him, they are their blood type. So that you have to encourage, like, despite your bad relationship with them, we really shouldn't let that influence the relationship between them and their grandparents or whatever, because they have got a responsibility towards their blood ties with him.

01:07:14--> 01:07:15

Yes, vice versa.

01:07:16--> 01:07:32

No, he doesn't have to, but like, again, it's like Allah says, Wow, she wouldn't have been able to live with him in kindness and good and part of that good treatment is being good to to the white family and showing that you're gonna get rewarded by doing that.

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And before I forget to remember something else,

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and that is like a last day poison remedies higher as well is

01:07:43--> 01:08:25

that a what was that it reminds us in the Quran, he says, are encouraged to move una parte De Anza crochet and when Yana lo fi he wanted to, he tells bleeding in the ether, something you hate about them, Baraka and de crochet and where your Java law will fit you right on kathira that perhaps you dislike something that Allah brings an abundant good Arabic, that's still for a woman, there are things you may not like about your husband, there are things that are quite annoying you, but remember that you may dislike something, but yet that thing, a law brings a great deal of good out of it. So a lot of reminding us to be patient with those things we don't like yet.

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And then our husbands are wondering, what is it for him in Las Vegas?

01:08:40--> 01:08:45

It was his it? Is his wife and his children or what?

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Yeah, so obviously his mother first but that doesn't mean when we say bah, bah, it doesn't mean she loves taking the rights of the wife, not to the extent where her rights that's imposed on the wives of the wives, right. And that's where it goes wrong in a lot of cases. And the mother in law thinks that she now has the right to just do anything no matter what even if it oppresses the wife, that is how long it's not allowed. Okay. But then you know, after that, of course, you know, like, that is why and she has her right and a lot of going to ask the man about his his wife about like, as, you know, the Messenger of Allah said guru Cobra, in Baku, med school and nyseg, like all of you is a

01:09:23--> 01:09:36

shepherd, or you know, a caretaker, and all of you will be asked about who he's entrusted with. So in the command will be asked, you know, and then we asked about his wife, and we asked about his children, right?

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If any of us got any questions,

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what is the white car saying to the mother after the mother but at the same time, not to the point where the mother in law overtakes the wife of the wife, that's not our children.

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We can't really say this, the children come before the wife. It's not like that.

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Yeah, but I mean, in general, of course, I'd say, yeah, the wife would come before the children or Long Island, what kind of villages? Because that's the husband, wife, they got their own rights. You don't mean and then the rights on children? Yeah. If you're not looking after your marriage, how can the household be stable? And that's what they're thinking about, like, Yes, your your house is important has certain important digital components, but like, let's not recite that, you know, let's work on the D, what's the core of the whole house, it's your marriage relationship. So if your marital relationship is not sound, the whole house is gonna fall apart. No means that it's very

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important. And before I before I forget, I just want to mention is very important point here is very essential format for married life. And then obviously, the intimacy issues. This is something we can never overt like not talk, we can never talk about too much the intimacy issues, that the husband and wife both need to make meeting each other's needs, you know, in the marriage, your relationship is so important. And part of that, you know, obviously, it's like with how the southern was was being kept with his, his bread, we should be careful with where we look out, dressing out.

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Looking nice, doesn't even have to always go put the makeup on our faces, just looking neat and tidy and looking respectable smelling a nice way, not by a dog with you know, Bo, you know, or, or, you know, disgusting milk, you understand, like smelling nice looking after your teeth, looking after your health. It is important like to, to look after the issue of the marital home because the panel off and we see this as the harbor, they used to often pay attention to what it would look free to look for each other, like even a better patient he would call on and say what are you doing your your Nanos, have the answer or your your manner. And he's like, look what I like my family to look

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like, for me, I like to look nice for my family. So even for the men, not just the woman, she should apply even for the man, that should pay attention to this. Because it's something that increases the level, we both pay attention to these needs. And then one more point I want to mention as well is we should pay attention to being available for our husbands like now with the invention of internet, social media, you know, a lot of the things we find via women and executives, right, more and more. And that that's actually creating a barrier between him and having intimacy. So like, you find this thing online on the internet, like, maybe a man goes to bed by myself, or she's up on Facebook, or

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he you know, she goes to bed and he is so this is creating a marital a barrier between the husband and wife. So we need to be more sensitive to these things and realize that this intimacy intimacy is not existing enough in the marriage, they will start to become problems in the marriage that intimacy is a very core issue is one of the main reasons for marriage is what you know, helps the person to lower their gaze and guarded chastity. And it's not maintaining not maintaining these aspects of the marriage, you know, the married will do they will, the tension will come into the marital relationship. So the tension will start to come, and you'll feel the problems will start to

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come as well. So it's very important to keep in your mind.

01:13:05--> 01:13:06

Again, what question is

01:13:11--> 01:13:12


01:13:15--> 01:13:16

our mind

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as a witness?

01:13:22--> 01:13:29

Yeah. Like, well, we all know that we pretend to use them for weapons, like when it's suitable for ourselves, but

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maybe we could step back and think What is he trying to tell me here? Like, okay, like,

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again, go back to what was saying today? Like, um, I think we have to wait up, are we always remain silent, and then sometimes, you know, talking in a positive way to our husband about a certain issue, or we constantly airing our

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grievances, because if we're constantly grading app, you know, airing our grievances, that that's going to it is better to do what we said in the How do you know, to remain silent to overlook, like I was saying, in most cases, but of course, you have the right if something is really like, a core issue for you. But you have to also look at like, you have to also pay attention to like, how much am I like, try to get that balance of asking, like if you constantly be negative and try the policy and cycle of negativity and nagging because then I will just shut off. And then they probably will start hiding that you like, man, Kenny, we'll be like a big, big

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boy throw that at you because we need to be quiet, just a way of making using his weapons to be quiet. But if you're always silent and you're patient, and then you come with a real grievance, like, again, try to treat that right time.

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And say, look, you know, you know, you're right. It's true. I am I thought that was me. And I've I've done all the things I've been saying today. And my husband was to throw that hadn't hit me. I'll say you know, you're very right so Panama could ever believe they're gonna last day

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should pay the highest, or Be quiet. But you know, like somehow, like in this instance, I really feel that trying to fix my marriage is like trying to fix my marriage and try to fix this problem with us. Because our brother, and let me know how I'm feeling than to hold it in myself and have this resentment towards you. For this particular thing that is, you know, annoying me, you know, for example, and, Look, I know and try and remember, or whatever you say, whatever you say that you don't like, remember, please, it says it's very important to list a lot beforehand, show that appreciation beforehand. You know, because we, we had a habit as human beings of mentioning the bat,

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what you know, and maybe we had this habit of just remembering and mentioning the bat, we have very bad habits, the games are gorgeous. So if you want someone to change in a positive way, before you start to say, what you don't like to say, Listen, I want to reflect something to you know, one of the things I love about you as my husband, Mashallah, you're such a hard worker, you know, you'd be a very patient and we've made and I know myself, like another way to get them to listen to is to blame yourself and say, Look, I know, I have a false, I did it. And I do that. And I know that annoys you. And, you know, I'm trying really hard to beat myself up, you know, please make to offer

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me as well, I really need your help me, you don't me, but like, it's just one thing that I really, you know, a lot of people remain so much more to me, if you could, you understand that it is very much about approach, have a look at your approach and see the way that you could maybe

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change the approach and start to get them to to listen to you and to accept you know, the thing that you want changing Sharma but it is very important smile, when you don't have the negativity, because if you're going to be talking with that negativity, and that aggression, Lucky bird goes up so much, it's not going to come across Well, you know, to make that better speech to, maybe you should write a hold down a piece of paper. And based on the paper before you go and approach your husband, that's actually been shown to really improve, you know, that that's been shown that if someone's going through a really big problem with anything, they write down continuously for three days, and just

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blurt it out on paper, it's been shown to dramatically reduce their stress levels. And I think that if you were to do that for three days, constantly just blurting out how you feel, get it all out, maybe come to your husband, because you've got so much, you'll get to the main crux of the matter, and you won't be going on and on and on, like you pinpoint the main thing and try and keep it in a more positive light, because you've got to study the hook, this man is not going to change, right? Unless I do it in a positive way. And it's like, you know, come across with a good approach. And in a positive way, that's the only way it's gonna he's gonna, he's gonna take on what I'm saying. But

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it's done in a negative way, but he's just gonna shot and he's not going to, he's not going to return yet. So if you're,

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if you're

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never actually

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going to do it all out, I recognized by rip it up and put the pipe in the beam because I am scared.

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Maybe the best advice is to blurt out a skit completely addresses and say the worst thing that you've ever wanted to say.

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Because it's between you and Allah, no one knows about it, you know, it's just because you're doing as a therapy because as well, your intention behind it is that you know, that you're you're curbing yourself, you are so upset that you know that you're talking about this person, you're going to say these things are gonna really hurt their heart. Okay? So blood all around the paper first a few times, get all out of your system, have a look at it. And then pick what you think is more important to take from it. And then try to deal with it in a positive way. Because honestly, if you come in a negative way, or like hurt them with the way you say it, what's going to happen if someone comes and

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hurts you? Do you listen to them? You don't you just shut up and I mean, like you shut yourself off and you don't want to hear about it. It's the same thing he's gonna do same thing with you as well as he was calling for questions. Okay, so this is basically you know, today's lesson was not to create miracles in your marriage, you know, that we just do our best inshallah.

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But I do believe strongly that if you if you make these small changes in shaba, that it definitely will bring about policy changes. I'm not saying that every single company that I happen to have will suddenly magically vanish. But inshallah by implementing a lot of the things I've mentioned today, I do believe that you will get a definitely more positive result in showing your marriage. But remember, last, you know, the last thing to always end with is always make dog in your dog. Make draw in the last hour on a Friday. Make dry when it's you know,

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Writing makes you out when you're traveling, make draw, and the last sort of the night, ask a lot of hands Allah to, you know, the pen a lot to make, you know your husband happy with you, your law, you know, you know, make,

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make, make my husband happy with me and, and make my marriage life you know happy and make them help me to please my husband and hopefully to achieve that through my husband. You know, a lot of the times are because he is a total of the heart. Isn't it a lot at the turn of the heart sisters never forget that. The heart, the hearts are in the hands of a lot of times. He turns it as he wishes. So you know your husband maybe you know it goes away from you these days, but by you making some positive changes and making some seeds. You can show up a lot of times that I can turn the car around any previous relationship with you. So we'll leave it there while you're already head up.

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01:21:06--> 01:21:07

that little cap