Channel: The Deen Show
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I want Muslim community to wake up to this reality and take this warning from Imam Musa. It's coming like a tsunami. If you have kids and you try to get divorced the probability that that's gonna demolish your life is very, very high statistics 63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes your market value has declined. Let's say you're the woman who takes the kids your market value has declined radically he percent of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes the man he's just a screwed because he is now an indentured servant. Attorneys are making money left and right on divorce on regular basis, your home your your valuables are all gonna be sold to pay the
lawyers and people like me and it'll tear a big chunk out of your life. And also it will really disrupt your relationship with your kids. 85% of all children who show behavior disorders from fatherless homes, is 20 times the average. Why is it so important to show done to split the home split the family 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes. Now you'd be surprised how many brothers are also the victim, physical Lee beaten, children with fathers who are involved are more likely to enjoy school and engage in extracurricular activities. You bring kids into a step parent family they do not do as well. Data on that is clear. 75% of all adolescent patients and
chemical abuse centers come from fatherless homes and is the most happy at the moment he's succeeded splitting the family this is
this is the
this is with
a Salam aleikum. How you guys doing? Welcome to the deen show. And we're gonna be talking about a very important topic. Families come together, intended to stay together but then all sorts of things happen and shake dog gets involved splits the family up. So how can we go ahead and set a foundation that inshallah we can lower that statistic of divorce here on the deen show with my two special guests. Imam Musa Salam alikoum on salovaara Allah well I got, you got like 20 going on 30 years of how much experience marriage counseling over 30 years of exposure over 30 years in America and we got the author, Chef Mohamed El ra he of the other Noorani a very well known author here and also
professor professor at the you are currently at the Islamic University in Washington and then you are currently in Medina Smilla Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu lillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah. While early he was a happy woman wala who bad
as Allah subhanho wa taala. When He created Adam,
he asked all the angel to prostrate to them, and they did fulfill the order of Allah Subhana Allah accept the shaytaan he rejected and he was a racist. And he said,
he was created from the fire and Adam was created from clay, assuming the
fire is better than clay. And he was wrong in his judgment, the quality of fires to burn and destroy the thing, while the quality of clay is to produce the thing.
Therefore the the shaitaan since he rejected the order of Allah, because he was racist, and he looked down to Adam because of his creation of clay.
He was kicked from the Mercy of Allah and from the rank he had, and since that he promised that he will be coming and trying to do every effort to take the human being to hell. And as he said, The Malatya now membentuk ad him woman Hall for him one Emani him one Shama Ella, him while at the doctor, I'm sure Corinne
will be coming from the front and back and right and left, meaning he will do every effort to reuse every trick to destroy the ABA of human being and
worshipping Allah make them to worship shaitaan or something else, deviate them from worshipping the last panel to Allah. So they are night that's what his effort and therefore we need to learn his tricks and traps. So one of the thing
He's very happy, the most happy when he sits on his ground, which is he sits on the water, you know, every day and receive the report from the young ship Archie, clean and receive he said, Okay, you okay? You didn't do much you didn't do much until somebody comes and says, Oh, I was able to put the fire between husband and wife. He said, Oh, you are the man. You are the man because you are the one did the the god mission? That was one of the greatest things. Yeah, yes. That's that's something is the main thing. You want the main thing to split the family? Yes, split the family, because destabilize when there is that state of no stability in the life, you're not going to worship Allah
subhanaw taala you're not going to be able to do your job, you know, basically wasting their time. The most
valuable thing in our life is the time. So he basically destroy destroying the time and is the most happy at the moment. He's succeeded. Splitting the family. Yeah. What do you think, Mr. Musa? What do you think is driving the level of the families getting split divorce?
And your experience? What do you think is driving divorce? I mean, we could only speak in United States of America. How Muslims are facing this, I would say.
One is that expectations from each other, unrealistic expectations from each other, and not meeting the goals or expectations that they have from each other than they think that they're entitled to something better, if they were to move on. And on the opposite side of it, if you were to look into how the marriages of our elders survived, what I saw was that their expectations for war far less than what we have today. Second, any debt expectations if they did not meet, they did not seek other alternative rather, they look up to Allah subhanho wa Taala to be rewarded and compensated for all the suffering that they have gone through in this life. So yes, if the marriages are done, truly for
the sake of Allah subhanaw taala it has greater chance of surviving, and if it is done for all our selfish reasons, then you know, this entire world is perishable. So will the marriage be?
You have again, staggering statistics now showing you have just in the amongst people are not Muslims. It's like 50% What statistic now? What are the stats now? Statistics for Muslims? Is it over? Is it the same last? Where is it at with divorce? In the recent years, I was interviewed in one of the TV show in Texas, where the host was saying that Imam you'd be surprised among Muslims in the recent years, it has grown over 50% amongst the Muslim amongst the Muslims in last five to 12, five to seven years, according to him. So it's growing rapidly. Yeah, sure. You get this authentic hadith where the shade Danny bliss domain, devil, he's,
you give a beautiful example, he's on the water and then these other Shayateen are coming say I did this, I did that, you know, evil things. And then this one comes and says, I split a man from his wife. And he says, Come here, come here, you're the man isn't the crown, right? Why is it so important to Shakedown to split the home split the family, husband and wife because he, he's trying to waste their time, put them instead of focus to worship Allah subhanho wa Taala to worship the shaitaan once they are not stable in their life, and they going to get into the
trap of shaitaan and start using everything which is against Islam, you know, not trying to solve the problem if they have to, according to the ways prescribed as Allah subhanaw taala said, A Takamura tan time Sercombe ma rufen outer serie hum BSN. So for him Sakura motto of our 307 is a beautiful
you know word from Allah subhanho wa Taala you if you want to continue the marriage continue with maruf the word maruf is a beautiful word in Arabic language to continue keep doing good to each other. Okay. En la bussola C'mon Tamila Basilan
all the 300% If you feel your reach to the dead end, you cannot solve the problem some house for some reason. Then, the out from there is the three son depart each other with a son or daughter. Analysis most beautiful
word in Arabic language with son, don't let the life become miserable. You know in fighting and serving the shaitaan specially I see there should be no the effect or making the life miserable for the children if they're involved also it should not be destruction of the resources, you know by wasting the money here and there with the lawyers and things like that and also
cursing and going, making the life of each other miserable. Allah subhanaw taala said the city depart each other with kindness and gentleness and also before that we have many other ayat also Allah said when 15 shikaka Beatty Hema Tabatha hakama min Ali hakama Alia in your reader is La Jolla, Africa la Hubei Noma get if you find that they are in dispute the some
disagreement, then she can choose, you know, the advisor from her side or the judge from her side and the judge from the husband side. And do you know if they are truly trying to resolve the issues? Allah subhanho wa Taala will give them tofi To solve the problem, without going through the suffering or destroying the resources without any reason, all the resources should be considered. It's not for destruction, either these resources could be used by the husband could by the wife by the children, but should be no
the the waste of their resources should not be the option that's only come this option when we are following the shaytaan not following what last panel data set.
So is the solution is very clear. Welcome from Chicago minima for Bathukamma Minelli, vaca moment earlier, in Uri dice la jolla Africa lobby, Noma in the lacuna, Alima hubiera. And exact model for the certification. So
like I would say the ideal way before when we get married, we should have a sign in case we have a conflict, we have a mom okay, such and such a mom can get involved since we are here in like most of us their families are in different parts of the world. So they can have a map to represent, okay, I'm going to choose this Imam and you can choose the same or choose the different Imam he can represent. So in case we have any problem that those Imam going to solve, whether they are two or three, whatever they decide, we can accept that and bring the thing to the end. So that's one way to, you know, have a prevention measure. Before we when we get to the marriage relation, and the
more detail we can have in the contract, you know, how are we going to, you know, continue over marriage, what are the thing and, you know, so and in case of conflict, that's how we're going to resolve the issue. Because that closed the door for Shabbat. When the shutdown is there, then people get crazy, they just want to go my way or highway. So they don't think about clearly that you You're destroying there's resources, which might be used for by your children, you know, so, one become blind blindly following the shaitaan. And you know, we damaging each other. That should be not the option among the Muslim families. Have you seen in your experience now? Because I mean, it seems
like everything is clear. It's lucid in the Quran and the Sunnah, you have the man's role, you have the woman's role, and the guidelines are all laid out. And sometimes in your counseling sessions, do you see like, Wow, it's really sometimes it's not so convoluted, you know, if we go back to the guidelines, but do you think that the outside influences of the culture society, sometimes people are taking that more as like it's from divine, you know, and kind of going away from these guidelines, that three things that's happening, Edie, I'm glad that you raised that question. First and foremost, is that like Jesus said, the relationship that we have between among the spouses was
only permitted in the Name of Allah, in accordance with Quran and Sunnah with the limitation that he has set for do's and don'ts in this relationship. And many things we do we learn we understand we educate ourselves for the pros and cons of any business or anything that you want to do. How much effort and research and resources have been put into by couples who are getting ready to marry what they have learned about the marriage? What do they know of the challenges? How do she What did they learn? If any conflict were to arise? What is going to be the solution to the problem?
These people, they are not aware of it. And they just get into marriage and marriage, like everybody else is not only Muslims, everybody's marriage is full of challenges. And day in day out, you have new challenges that you have never experienced before. And if you're not prepared how to handle properly, you would suffer the consequences. And how you handle the situation, you have two choices. One, based on your own intellect, you try to handle and manage or turn to those colleagues of yours, and see if they you could get their advice. Both of these method has been proven to be detrimental to the marriages, both for those couples who are going through difficulties in their marriages,
trying to solve their issues on their own is the wrong approach. to it, these couples are turning to their colleagues, their peers, who have no experience in this regard, and seeking their input their further have caused the situation to get worse. Third, when these couples who are going through difficulties have turned to their peers, who are otherwise happily married, static shows within five to seven years, they two ended up in divorce. This is how it's spreading across the Muslim community. That is why in last five to seven years, divorce rates have increased among the Muslims, and particularly of young adults, people in their 30s and 40s. Midlife crisis are very difficult for
Muslims to deal with. And all these things are happening because we live in the society. And we think the solution that the society has always sought is also the solution for the Muslims. And if we want to walk the same path, we will also end up in the same destination as others, while their statistics shows that they are heavy on the divorce rates, so is the case of the Muslims the way why should you be surprised if you're expecting different results than our neighbors in this society and community, then you have got to adopt a different method of offering finding solution to the problem. That different method is none other than Ron and Sunnah. So I want to bring everybody back
to Muslims. And non Muslims are like if they were to follow the solution that Allah has offered in conflict resolution in the marriage, like Shaykh rightly pointed from the verses of the Quran, it will benefit equally to the Muslims non Muslims. So Muslims have golden opportunity today to present to the world and benefit themselves, the beautiful method of solving problems in the light of Quran and Sunnah, which has a proven record of over 1500 years. So the first thing that the Muslims must do going through this situation is that they must realize Presence of Allah subhanaw taala, and their accountability to Allah and Allah alone, as they accepted each other as wife and husband in
the Name of Allah, they must turn to Allah subhanho wa Taala and accept his orders and divine revelation in this regard, even if it goes against your own ego, and your own plans. Once we have this commitment from the couple, then it's easy for us to work with. But if they have any vested interest other than solving the marriage problem, then shaitaan is there to explain those things. And we have seen the effects that it was talking about how shutdown really caused that opportunity? And does that in your guys experience when you have a committee of counselors or you mom when you guys share information, who usually is initiating the divorce the husband or wife statistically, it
If I may, for long, I've been the advocate of women's rights in America and have dedicated I give my goodbyes on regular basis in different masajid. But every hook bar every month one hook by is dedicated to talk about the domestic violence. And not only that I do myself, I encourage other hottie friends of mine, whatever your topic you have the day to day, please can you allocate 10 to 15, five to 10 minutes of yoga time today, talking about the harmony of the marriages and household. So we started this trend talking about it. Hence when I done delivering the hotbar I received a lot of followings after the hook back, people asked my phone numbers and they get in touch with me and I
come to know. So any you'd be surprised on regular basis how many phone calls I receive from both sisters and brother to answer your question who initiates this? It varies. It varies from the background. And now for long we have thought and we have seen an experience that that was sisters who are the victim in this process. Now you'd be surprised how many brothers are also the victim physical Lee beaten
and taken the other
abuse and keeping silence because they're embarrassed to admit that they were beaten by their wives. And unfortunately, Allah subhanaw taala savers. This is the condition of the OMA Muslims I'm talking about, I don't even counseling their marital issues to the non Muslims. I only call them Muslims. And this is a situation both, while our sisters had been the victim, now the stakes are changing, or brothers ultimate less than that. Are there any sisters organizations, because obviously, nobody should be beaten anybody but we often hear a lot of times, and no brothers should be especially beaten up, you know, left hook up or cut, you know, there's none of that in the dean. So But now,
when you hear some sad like this, unfortunately, you don't have you have a lot of men, man, husbands who are victim to this kind of abuse, you know, they're being battered, they're being you know, abused, but who's speaking up on there, we have to be just we have to be fair, so who's speaking up on their behalf, you'd be only able to recognize this if they come forward. Most of the time, men out of their own ego, they're on steam that position in the society in the community, they don't, even when you really dig deep down into it takes two three sessions for the brothers to open up even to Imam and to councillors. So until unless they come forward, you really simply cannot do anything
to address except Imam like myself and the programs that we are doing. We really bring awareness in the society without mentioning anybody's name and Khatib sparking about it in the kotoba it is loom it beat is done by men or women. It is not permissible in Islam, and there is no tolerance. I think there should be an awakening among sisters also, you know, sisters who are out there very educated to for them to also speak on this, right because now a lot of times they'll say it's the small minority that are doing this, but then the small minority become the majority with the big voice. And they're these I've heard a lot of times the ones who are doing some of this evil, they scare
everybody else off. But what do you think about sisters also amongst each other, who are really like, you know, helping to shut this down? You know, sometimes you'll have these you know, brothers complaining about their kids, when the vort divorce happens being used as a weapon against them, then being taken to a system that is set up as a way that's really unjust towards the men it's more balanced towards the other direction. This is just you know, across the board non Muslims talking about this all the time, right? And Islam is a perfect system. So what do you think about sisters actually coming out getting them galvanized to come out and starting to, you know, speak up because
if you speak up at as a man, I'll disguise misogynistic you know, yes, prejudice, what do you think about that?
I think first of all the evil is evil. And injustice is injustice is not accepted by Islam, Islam rejects the evil or unfair situation where whatever the source is, Islam do honor the woman
and consider them there, we can give them a lot more attention. And, you know, like in the Hadith agenda to attack the mullah Muhammad, the paradise on the feet of the woman and also prophets of Allah. So I'm sure that if come to our aid, be kind and gentle with you know, gentle ones. So,
if if the sisters they observe that this evil coming from among themselves, I think it will be very excellent the direction to go and stop that and the same thing, if the transgression coming from the brother brother also try to stop that. So because the we should reject what is wrong, what is wrong should be rejected, whether it is coming from sister or coming from the brother. And we as the law said, we're into if autonomy million total possible albedo map and Bharata model overlap a call to relatively big umbrella. So any, whatever the source of, you know, evil or unfair situation, need to be rejected and need to be invited to come to the, you know,
fair situation, just and solve the problem, peaceful way without damaging, especially the in no case should be damaged the interests of the children, the innocent children, they're innocent. You know, they have not not think with all what is going on is a two party their husband or wife, you know, they should do every effort to make sure the children interest is not being damaged. And then
minimize the damage if you're going to go through the wars, minimize the damage, you know, as Quran said as as any even the non Muslim, they will go with the vice one, they will go with the minimum damage. Yeah, no damage should be or minimize the damage, you know. So that will be the best approach among the things that Allah has permitted. Yeah. So, because we so we hear from different brothers. And they will talk about, for instance, assuming that this brother is praying, you know, he's adhering to the guidelines of the Quran and Sunnah. But it seems like he could never get anything right, you follow me? And it seems like the chips that they say are stacked against him. So
everything is blamed on the man. He says, You know what I mean? He says, I'm providing for my family, I'm taking care of my kids. And I can get nowhere a lot of times, and then he'll say, he'll look at the Hadith where the prophet said, Son say that, you know, man will do so much a world of good but then he does one wrong. And they forget about all the good. So it seems like he's up against the world. You know, what can I do shift? You know, what am I doing? And not nobody. When I go to some of these moms, nobody will go ahead, and they'll tell me everything I need to do and I'm doing above and beyond. But then they're scared to tell my wife that she needs to obey and respect
their husband. I've got of course, he said I'm being kind I'm loving. I tell her I love her hugger but I'm not a psychologist. I can't just you know, master all trades, but they're scared to tell my wife you know, that she a lot what Allah told her rise towards me. What do you got to say Mombasa? Indeed? I mean, does this relate at all Could we hear this from from it does and it happens a lot. But I want to be fair to our sisters also. They go through lot of difficulties and challenges in life. And we need to acknowledge and we will be the first one to admit that we don't do justice to it. And we're going to have to acknowledge that recognize and Rasul Allah is Salatu was Salam gave
sisters such a great status in Islam, there is no other religion that gave bringing the Jana, we need the paradise of the mother, such a great status. So all that status and recognition and appreciation and glad tiding that need be given to the sisters because of the difficulties that they endure in the relationship. Allah's Messenger has already done the justice in giving them the glad tiding that is conditioned upon only and only one thing that is that see, endure all these difficulties for the pleasure of Allah and Allah alone.
But if that get also associated with expectations from the creation rather than creator alone, it's when I have seen the problems coming in. So yes, so once we understand the situation that we are going through these difficulties, and we need to do something about it. Once the sister understand it is in the name of Allah that I have accepted this man to be my husband. And when the brother understand that in the name of Allah accepted the sister to be my wife, I will abide by the rules of Allah subhanho wa Taala in this regard, once you have the commitment from both wife or husband, only then and then only in my experience of 30 years, you will be able to make some difference. But if
they don't have respect to the verses of the Holy Quran and the sayings of below prophets of Allah is Allah, in conflict resolution of this situation, guess what, you will do nothing, but you insult yourself and God forbid, you also end up insulting the Quran and Hadith as well because these people have built the brick wall in front of them they are blind to this and without realizing, they voice their opinion on the clear instructions given by Allah soon to the US solve that problem. And in doing so, what they end up doing it what I feared the most is this so I'm very reluctant to quoting directly from the Quran and Sunnah in the first meeting, because I want to gauge their mental status
and condition. So I don't want to present to them will direct instructions from the Quran and they reject out of frustration, and they may suffer the consequences of rejecting Allah's words, and they may further suffer in their marriage like that they already going through. So as a wise person as a counselor, as the Imam, you would want to gauge the situation and bring them first to their senses of appreciation that Allah's command is absolute, for Muslims to follow even if it goes against your own favor. Once they come to this understanding and realization and in agreement, no matter whether it goes in our favor or against when it is quoted directly from Quran and Sunnah. We will follow
Quran and Sunnah, then the problem is solved very easily. So that is what I'm talking about. So like you said that Imams or others counsel whoever it is, or escaped to tell the wife of the rights and they should respect and recognize their husbands rights.
Is it the recommendation of the Imam and if the wife perceived this as such, then she will be very quick to say that you just taking the side of my husband
vice versa, if you talk about the rights of the women, men have accused Imams
that What relation do you have with my wife or the said that she did the magic on you to use speaking her language as well. This is all utter nonsense. These things happen only because they see that recommendation is our own. We are no in the position to offer our own recommendation when we're on and so nice speaks very clearly in this regard. So we have to realtor and remind again and again, it is not my personal opinion or recommendation or suggestion rather than your Creator, my Creator, creator of the universe, Allah bellezza in whose name you had made each other halaal instruct you to do this in this situation, and once they get this one, right, and inshallah inshallah we pray that
it's essential will get better. So, this is the most important very challenging thing to do and this get very easily done, if the concept is sought early in the stage of conflict, if the conflict has gone too long, unresolved, and they have sought other resources, other than Quran and Sunnah, then Subhan Allah only a like and give her Diane destitution. Yeah, I had a guest on Laura Doyle, she's confessed to helping over 150,000
couples get back to saving their marriage. Now she's not Muslim. But when you read a lot of her stuff, you think like, wow, she's taking from the chrono cinema. So her story is that she also went through a stage in our marriage, that it was just breaking apart. And she was about to get divorced, she wanted to try everything possible to save the marriage. So she went to traditional marriage counseling, and they spent 1000s of dollars almost $10,000. And at the end, she was just like a bash fest, she said, you know, mean, bashing my husband, it didn't work. And then she started to go to people who actually she did like what was called a common sense approach. She said, okay, these
people here, they've been married for 2030 4050 years. Let me go see what's keeping them together. So she from now her experience talking to these people, she saw that there was a formula, the wont wife respected the husband. And in return, what the wife got was what she wanted to get that love, desire, and appreciate from her husband. So then she wrote a book called empowered wife. And in the book, she talks about this formula, she talks about how women can get in power, how they can get what they want from their husband, but also how they can not get it. And that's by being disrespectful towards their husband. So the key things where you want love, respect your husband, it
was quite a simple formula, respect will equal that love because men, for men she talks about respect is like oxygen. They say kids cry for it, men die for it.
What do you think about that? Beautiful? What do you think about this formula? I mean, is it is this
something that what would you say to this show,
I would say it's an excellent formula, as Professor Lavalas said,
Lisa, minimal Amir hum, severe Anna well, um, you have to be, that's, in general,
it's not among gas, that any,
you know, the older if he does not
show the kindness to the younger one, and the younger one does not just give the respect to the older one. So
like, the younger one, if he's showing the, the respect to the older, the older showing the kindness saw is gonna take care of a lot of problem. But if we went wrong in this relation, we're going to have a lot of problems, same thing. She she had a very good conclusion, that if she's respecting the husband,
of course, she she can get all the love all all what she's looking. Because in Islam, also, we, you know, required that the, the husband should give all the right to her love and compassion and everything and she also the respect and you know, give the right of the husband, so it's a two way street. So, we have to follow those, you know, excellent, beautiful formulas to keep our and she did very good job by going to the those people who have long experience. So that was the shows that she's very wise and
get to the conclusion, the right conclusion with this, which is also the Islam basically, you know, encourage us to, you know, give the right of each other and leave in the most harmony. Many people have said that this should be basic reading material, this book empowered wife, that Imam should give this
To all the sisters and then maybe if there's something for the brothers also but this one specifically, how a woman can be empowered. And I like what you said it should be just across the board. We're not trying to favor one or the other, but just do what Allah the Creator, the heavens and earth, sent down divinely everything is there? How much do you think she so back to this one? What do you think about this conclusion? What have you heard of this empowering life? You see that she also wrote the book it's called, but people don't really like the the title it was called surrendered wife surrender wife or something like that. But the new one, have you ever heard of
these books, people have had these issues and reservations in this regard. But without being greatly, you know, very negative in this regard or any positive. I would like for sisters and brothers to look on this position. See what this sister did when she was challenged.
She looked for the solution. Where were the marriages were survived. And through that, she was able to enlighten herself and guide and many others. Same thing Islam is calling again and again, divorce should be the last option. When I perform Nikka I meet with that these three sessions prior to doing the burner Nikka for the couple, three sessions, we talk about it premarital counseling, in which I emphasize on not using divorce as a bargaining tool, not using divorce as a weapon, not using divorce as blackmailing or as a threat. To what degree I even following sessions, I don't even use word divorce in my counseling. I said the D word. Why do I do this intentionally, I do not want to
use the word divorce front of those individual couple who are going to get married. And I try to create the hateful feeling towards the word divorce itself from the very beginning on this couple. So they even think twice and remember my counseling that Imam didn't even feel comfortable using the word divorce.
So when I create this much hate towards the divorce, then there is no point and no reason for them to even bring this as a reason of bargaining or talking and threatening each other. We need to recreate this especially especially if you have more So would you say if you have certain interrupt you if you have children involved? Yes, yes. And this is what happens. Because we live in a society divorce is normalized. In many cases, it is encouraged. That's when I began the question in the beginning, that's what I'm talking about the outside influences, very bad influence. And we are looking up to and we accepting is as a way out as an alternate. We're on has offered better
alternative than this. We have become blind to the solution that the Quran and Sunnah is offering and we literally inclining towards what the society has to offer, what do you expect, and this is one of the thing that among Allah Allah and permissible thing, most hateful thing to Allah subhanaw taala is what divorce and we are failing to see as Allah has expected us to see divorce as such, rather we are accepting and some divorce. Please forgive me if anybody has been divorced and listening to my talk, that I am making this statement. But I am saying this, I have heard some divorce people are better off.
Do you realize what you're saying with that statement when you talk to other person who's going through the difficulties in their marriage, or maybe this what I should do. And if because of your statement, others are also following the footsteps of yours, guess who's going to take the burden.
And if you are the person
I wish, we have found a better solution to our problem.
None can replace the axis of the mother to the child, man can replace absent of the Father to the child. I'm struggling, whoever you are, be it his brother or sister. If you say I'm struggling to fulfill that vacuum, and I can never do this, what would happen when you make the statement as a diverse person, you will let the other person who's going through difficulties, think twice. And that is the way to do it. You are not doing this because Mr. Musa wants you to do it. I want you to know that you're Rob. Also Allah Allah salami informed that among all permissible things that he hate the most is the divorce. So you are instructed as a believer, even if you are enjoying your
divorce, to proclaim that it is the most hateful thing.
And we need to understand that once we learn that divorce is not the first option, then we will do anything and everything to avoid it. And that is what we need to first and foremost understand and inculcate in the community. Yeah, one thing I mean, the the beauty of Islam is there's mercy and everything I mean you have in other faiths, particularly, I believe in Christianity, that this is something that now would be not allowed, for instance, so someone can be a drug pusher an alcoholic, you know someone truly is abusing
his wife, you know, battering her elbow cutting her, you know, beating her whatnot. So these situations now imagine it's not even allowed. But Islam there's a mercy there. So you have a husband or wife or someone's not praying, you know, they're totally going away from the Quran and Sunnah, you know, totally going away from the injunction set by the Creator, and you have an avenue escape. Now they're right. But have you seen a lot, a lot of times someone's issue can be for them. so huge that they made a shakedown is magnified so much. But then you look at it, and you'll be like, hold on, if we were to get a committee of people here and look at it, this is actually very trivial. I
mean, you got when you compare it to people who are really, you know, going through bombs dropping over their heads, and not to not to despair on anybody's problems, you know, everybody's going through their own challenge. But sometimes when we put it, we contextualize it, we're like, hold on a minute, everybody is going through their own challenges. When couple going through this situation, either with the trivial things that becomes so big to them, until or unless somebody with the authority can help them understand authority, meaning, respect, whom they respect, help them realize, then they see that and it is when you really begin to understand Quran verses are very
clear, some Boolean formula Elune, you know, the seed has been put on their understanding, they just don't see that and the small things become such a big thing that the big there is a foundation of separation. That's another thing that we need to touch upon as one. In order to be married. There are certain requirements in Islam they have to met in order to be qualified to be married. Similar is the case for the divorce, there Islamic rulings in this regard, there are certain things certain criteria must be met, in order for one to even to contemplate going in that route of getting divorce. Not whenever you feel upset, you just demand divorce right out of nowhere. And anybody who
does that Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, in many Hadith have said that course on those individuals who demand divorce without any valid reason, who is educated about these things, many people who even go to the regular salah, practice Islam, keeping beard or wearing hijab and talking about to that degree and even those couples who pray Salah on regular basis, don't even know the more details of the do's and don'ts of the marriage, and the benefits and the, you know, survival techniques that apply Islam offers. And we very quickly jump into seeking divorce when the criteria of seeking divorce has not even met. You have a lot of women psychologists, male psychologists, you know, both
doctors experts in the sphere field, how much have you uncovered in this area? There's a specific PhD. He's written a book called The boy crisis. And then his name is Warren Farrell, Farwell. And he talks about the consequences that are happening because of divorce to the boys and linking it back to the divorce, high rates of suicide, you know, the dropout level and school drugs. They did a survey to see like, how many of these mass shooters who are out there, you know, their life and almost 100% All of them come from a fatherless home. Can you imagine that? So when you look to the root of the matter what's happening to these boys who are in broken homes, you know, again, there's
exceptions to everything right? But the majority of times when there's not a father present, you know, it's like a disaster waiting to happen. It is and it is proven time and again, it is proven time and again, it's a known fact to your audience. Also, people Muslims in Europe are more mature in solving the problem of the marriages. We have institutional organization, masha Allah, they're doing fabulous job. Muslims here in America is still maturing to these things is still learning. But my fear is that by the time they learn and understand they may have underpaid high price for it. So sooner than later we really going to have to wake up to this reality and do something about it to
bring awareness. The first step that I would like to encourage our audience here is that do not consider divorce to be an option. First option, rather do your level best exhaust each and every single resource that you have at your disposal, not on your own, but let the scholars Imams team of Imams say that yes, you have exhausted each and every single thing even then put plus in Allah and offer to raka going since then cried before Allah, Ya Allah have done every single thing even Allah are saying this even then I don't want to lose my hope with you. Please help me survive in my marriage. And you never know Allah subhanaw taala may open the door even at that time. Don't give up
hope on your marriage.
But we don't see this happening. Don't make it like fast food. Fast, fast, fast.
We're talking about drive through divorce. Now this what it is, during pandemic, people have been forced into the houses, and they've got surviving their marriages because they somehow put find escape. And this pandemic has really put them in one under one roof. And how long can they handle it? No sooner that had opportunity come out. The first visit that they paid is to the lawyers of the courthouses, and the now currently dragging each of them to the court, and spending hundreds and 1000s of dollars into the attorney fees. Attorneys are making money left and right on divorce on regular basis. One of the best way they they understand how deep your pocket is,
they request you to submit your finance, they do this right they request and you are required under the order of code to open you may not have disclosed this to your spouses, you would be required to disclose each and every single thing. And if you still try to hide, they have something called recovery, they will go and dig each and every single penny that you ever have earned and hid. And by doing this, it's not that it will give you an opportunity to fight and get your fair share that you call it. Rather, they tried to gauge how much they can milk you. And they will drag this case to the degree that they will get the most out of it. At the end you will come to the conclusion that would
have been far better. If you have gone to Imams and get this resolved among yourself. Why at the end, neither of you will have the money third party will become rich on this one and you will end up getting far less than what you would have gotten in accordance with Quran and Sunnah. And even then if you succeed in doing it, you did so against the clear instructions of Allah and Rasul and what Baraka would that mall will have and what Baraka would solution will bring and solution to your problems will become, there's a great documentary to substantiate this point you're making I think everyone who is thinking about divorce, or just for basic knowledge on the topic they should watch.
It's called divorce court, divorce court, divorce Corp. Yes, I think death would be easier than a divorce.
It's very frustrating to have gone for help, and then come out with your family destroyed.
We have serious problems in our family law court system.
Getting divorced is far from easy. Litigation lasted for over a year, close to eight years, people can get as much justice as they can afford, and most people cannot afford any justice at all. What's wrong with that? This is a business. The more you charge, the more people are willing to pay want you to know if the two hours we will expend more than most people in this courthouse make in a year your home your your valuables are all going to be sold to pay the lawyers and people like me even though I was acquitted. He still made a decision to take my son away from me. His birthday was last week and I didn't get to see him. You have is a tinderbox and the lawyers are throwing gasoline on
that fire. That system is designed to create conflict. I received a phone call for another 25,000 he be able to give us what we wanted extortion. And this documentary really goes into the details talking to different attorneys talks to p at private investigators talks to people in the system, former judges and they also talk about how the system is set up. It's a $50 billion annual business with a B with a billion billion dollar and just what you said right now is the statutes that that it is set up to milk you until now you are out you know I mean? It's so convoluted and it drags on already the couple is even though sometimes they just go in peacefully, and they want to amicably
end everything they end up throwing the fight the gas on the fire it's already a tinderbox it's very sensitive. So the lawyers end up even making a greater rift because they know that's in their benefit now, to split them more apart because what's going to happen? They're going to make more money, more business, right? Fuel recommendation, if I may, for the interest of time, just for our viewers. God forbid first and foremost, Don't ever bring the word divorce in your relationship. And after doing and exhausting each and every single thing at your disposal, not your opinion. But the scholars the imam who are trained in counseling in this particular aspect, if they say that you have
exhausted every single thing and if you must go through this process, do it with Islamic scholars. Don't go to the lawyers and try to do it Islamically this way you will have the hair for the rest of your life inshallah inshallah and after you have gone through this process, if in fact you needed to be divorced in the knowledge of Allah subhanaw taala he will somehow find a way for you to leave your remaining life with happiness and to the fullest inshallah. And our doors are with those who are going through this difficulty
May Allah smart Allah make it easy for them. And may Allah smart Allah Allah them to live their life to the fullest remaining life and made lots of how to enable them to raise if they are blessed with the children to the best that they can. Because no one can ever compensate for a missing parent that's given. Yeah. Second, if you are going through these difficulties and situations, I advise you, in the interest of better of our society, particularly Muslim couples, do not, do not discuss this issue with your colleagues and peers who are married happily, we tend to go and look for the shoulder and a year that can lend us the time. So we can vent out in doing so what happens that it's
not my words, these are the studies shows that in previous years, when couples are talking about their issues with the healthy married life couple, and they were lending and getting involved in their issues. Within five to seven years, those couple who lent the yellow shoulder ended up having the similar situation in their life. So it's very contagious. So you first if you're going through this difficulty, please do not talk to those people. Talk to the people who have knowledge first Ellu Allah vicar in quantum dot Allah Mon, and ask those who have knowledge if you do not know and turn to people. When you have physical ailment you look for the physician in that particular
specialty. When you have problem in your marriage, find an imam who specializes in counseling in this regard, and use his services and follow his instructions very closely. But if you want to go and talk to everybody else, you might be spreading this without realizing it. Sly Coronavirus has given us a very good example. If you have symptoms, you are encouraged to isolate yourself. But if you hide that when you go and mingle with the people, without realizing you're affecting many people you don't even know
this had made it very simple. So understand this fact, don't talk if you really love and dearly care for your friends who are happily married, do not bring them in.
And God forbid if they are not exercising caution. We Healthy People whose marriages are healthy, if somebody is coming to talk to you, understand and listen to them, sympathize with them, nod your head and wipe some tears if you must, and then graciously guide them to the experts encourage them, not to talk with others. But to follow the advice of the experts in this regard. When I say expert, please forgive me again. I'm not talking about marriage counselors, because I don't know much about them. So I cannot vouch for them how effective they will be and what advice they will be giving. I can only talk about from my side, that is Imam and from among the Imam, not every mom. Imams, those
who are trained in offering counseling and a marriage issues and have experienced preferably, and go and look and talk to them and follow their advice and their advice. And they do also will advise you the same way. Talk to me and talk to Allah subhanaw taala will trust in Him and work diligently on the advice that has been given, I can assure you, as a mom and a counselor in this regard, over 30 years we've been giving this counseling, we have saved many marriages. We have kept many couples from going to the lawyers and to the court. And we have number of individuals who have come to us saying that Imam, we don't know whose prayers and whose blessing and which Sawback Allah has
accepted from us, that Allah has brought us to you and you are able to save our marriages and Alhamdulillah we are over the situation, our children are grown up we are enjoying as grandparents. And some also have come to me after the fact that said we are why you Imam when we need it. If we have talked to you, we will surely have saved our life, our marriages. So my beloved, I pray that you take heed to what is being said in this beautiful show the deen show that it is doing it is much needed. I hope I will reach out to many people in time before they really lose their entire marriage and enjoy the harmony of their McCahon marriages in Charlotte like we got a few more minutes before
we conclude. Just to add to this is sometimes people rush we've heard like to even the in laws. And then what happens is sometimes they go to the in laws. And I guess it all depends on the people's level of knowledge because you know, last month Allah tells us if you defer anything in anything turn back to Allah and His messenger, you know, but then people turning to you know, their emotions and their desires and whatnot. So what do you think about sometimes them even turning to their mother or father in law, but then they reconcile, but then in the next month or two they start bringing up those problems again. Have you seen this happening? Sure.
Yes, yeah. Yeah, I would second as
said to just
we need to utilize, we need to crank the professional Imam counselor. So, we should utilize their expertise instead of going here and there because for any problem or issue, whoever is getting involved they have to be fully aware and not everybody have a time to invest to get fully 100% time consuming, yes. So, they need to go to the specialist people who already have a lot of experience, education background, so trustworthy, they are not going to disclose confidentiality, all those things and just discuss with them and get their advice from them because they will have enough time to listen to you and get view the full view of the situation. And based on the Quran and Sunnah and
experience everything so they can advise you to the right direction.
The people who do not have an experience, they will first of all, they would not have enough time even. So, they will be just leading you based on limited experience, limited knowledge they collected from here and there so that can lead to our destruction and even become the situation worse. So it is just like, we know we go for the best doctor, for whatever the illness we have. Same way we need to have specialized mom or counselors who can handle this kind of situation with professional way. Based on Khurana and who offered Slyke. He said the last word that he said imam or counselor whoever is offering any recommendation, it must be based on Quran and Sunnah. And if it is
not then it is no different counseling that you would get from anybody if XYZ from outside. So we are talking about the solution to the problem of OMA is facing today at this year in America, in reference to the divorce can only be sought in accordance with Quran and Sunnah I would have many people who would say that we will have gone we have gone to the Imams Imam said the same thing as an Imam or the constant whoever you went to, if he or the counsellor offers the solution, just like what they would teach outside in the other universities and research and experience, then it is no difference. We want to make sure that that solution to be sought directly from Quran and Sunnah and
encourage parties to expect reward of their suffering from Allah in the Day of Judgment, not his dunya. And if he gives him this dunya, in form of reviving your marriages and love between the two of you, that's an instant benefit that you're getting. But don't expect anything in return in this life. expect everything from Allah subhanaw taala, and be patient. And somehow, if you are to do this for the sake of Allah, I guarantee you my robe will never say disappoint you.
But this must be done. Like she said, in accordance with Quran and Sunnah. I could be a mom and offering the same solution that XYZ offers outside you will have the similar results. Although I'm a mom,
I could be a counselor offering the same solutions and you know, to the problem, like everybody else in the society our neighbors are getting the results would be the same. But you need a mom or a counselor who reports directly from Quran and Sunnah to the solutions, only then and then only we can expect different results, better results than what our society is going through. So that is very important that everybody should keep in mind. I know a couple Imams
who has been mentioned in their divorce situation, because Imam either was busy with other activities in the masjid and did not have much time to give. And so he just
referred them to lawyers, or a counselor, and that was detrimental. So divorce can be highly contagious, and can be detrimental. If you're not careful with it.
It must be treated. I really would like to create this sense of urgency for us to guard and protect just like delta y where it is coming. And people are very cautious. I want Muslim community to wake up to this reality and take this warning from Imam Musa. It's coming like a tsunami. If you don't wake up to the reality, you will find it will hit home very fast. So we're going to have to I beg of you all to work with me on this to spread the word around
To hate divorce as Allah subhanaw taala expect us to have this hateful feeling towards the divorce. So we will keep the divorce as the last thing, although it's not haram in Islam, but it is not highly desired and not treated as the first option either. So, keep it the way it is make the Diem debate Rasulullah sallallahu ala made so we can continue to inshallah strengthen the bond and the marriages and become the role model for our future generations to follow and become the community in United States of America which thrives and enjoys their marriages, long lasting marriages, Inshallah, and become the role model for others. We have a golden opportunity, my beloved, to
present to our societies, how Islam deal with this situation, that they did not have any solution to this problems, and let us be their ambassadors of peace. Let us be the messengers of the messenger hubiera say that I've sort of lost and lost a limb in respect to enjoying the marriage life insalata thank you once again and this topic was touched upon out of our desire to keep the OMA keep the family together because if you destroy the body of the family, you will destroy society you destroyed the OMA so we want to keep that family together and we're doing this out of the love. Thank you very much both of you just please keep doing this kind of sessions as much as you can.
It's desperately needed just like Amina we are and thank you guys once again and don't make any decisions when you're angry. Yes, calm down. Take a chill, hit the such as much as you can't get up in the night and pray and be around people have knowledge and have patience and somebody solid in Allah Masabi been very important. All these things are very important. And we'll see you next time here to Deen show until then, Peace be with you as salam aleikum, subscribe if you haven't already, hit that notification bell. See you next time peace Salaam Alaikum.