Tariq Appleby – Fiqh Of Interracial Marriage

Tariq Appleby
AI: Summary © The speakers stress the importance of finding oneself in a culture and finding oneself in a culture is a problem. They advise avoiding negative behavior and staying with one another in relationships. The speaker also emphasizes the benefits of finding oneself in a culture and finding oneself in a culture is a problem. They stress the importance of finding oneself in a culture and finding oneself in a culture is a problem. Lastly, they stress the importance of avoiding negative behavior and staying with one another in relationships.
AI: Transcript ©
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Hello, sir

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and he will talk to me he said O alikum warahmatu Allahi wa barakato

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I don't know what I did here.

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Someone could fix this.

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Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala rasulillah Allah alayhi wa sahbihi, Edmund and hamdulillah it's a great honor to be in your company tonight. We ask Allah subhanho wa Taala as he has gathered us here tonight together as again in the company of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in the highest of Paradise gender to fill a dose.

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we gathered here tonight to talk about the fifth of interracial marriage in Islam. But before we can talk about that, we need to lay down a very solid foundation for ourselves.

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We have to look at not only what

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Islam says about interracial marriage, but firstly, we need to ask ourselves, what does Islam say about marriage? What does Islam say about people of marrying from different backgrounds, different races, but before that, we will have to talk about what Islam says about racism and about multiculturalism and all of those matters. Then at the end inshallah Allahu taala. We can then look at what Islam says about interracial marriage.

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The first thing we need to understand is that Allah subhanho wa Taala sat down

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this last book, this last revelation, as a guidance for people. And instead of Baccarat Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us or we'll be learning Amina shaytani r rajim. Shia Ramadan Allah de

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de Hiroko and oh who

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who then last Eva

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Mina Luda will follow call in the month of Ramadan, which is the ninth month of the Islamic calendar or the lunar calendar. Allah subhanho wa Taala says that he revealed the Quran he said down the Quran, and it is guidance. So the book The Quran is a book of guidance. It's a book that clarifies how we should live our lives. Whether it's about marriage, whether it's about buying and selling with, it's about the way that we pray about our interpersonal relationships. The Quran is a guidance for all of them, what they united mean and the Buddha. And that guidance is clarified it is clear and it is detailed. So when we as Muslims want to pray, we know exactly when to pray, how to pray,

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how not to pray, what we need to do before we pray, all of this is detailed in the Quran. While farrakhan and the Quran is a criterion, it is a difference between what is right and what is wrong. The Quran shows us what is right and what is wrong. So this is the book that Allah subhanho wa Taala has revealed in the video other verses in the Quran that explain what the Quran is and what it is what it is about. But then I want to talk about the role of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So Allah didn't only sit down a book and said to us yours a book, read this book, and find it guidance. He said, No, I am going to send you someone that's going to come with this book,

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and he's going to explain this book to you. He's going to teach you with His words, but he's also going to teach you with his with his actions. So Allah says, For our lead to obey Italia, nassima lucila, la him, we revealed the book to you so that you could explain it to people, so you could clarify it to people. And so when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would receive people, they would come to Medina, in Saudi Arabia, they would come to him, and they would come to learn the religion. They wanted to know about Islam. They wanted to know how to pray, and to do all of these things. And before they would leave, they would go back to their families, he would say to them,

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pray as you have seen me, pray,

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perform your pray, as you have seen me. So the Prophet is telling them don't only listen to what I tell you, but also copy me and emulate what I do, because I have been sent. I have been sent to clarify and explain to you what has been revealed to you. So that is what we need to understand that this religion is built on the book of Allah the Quran, and upon the life and the teachings of the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu.

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He was seldom any questions we have any issues that come up at misunderstandings and misconceptions that we or others might have. We need to go back to the four iron and we need to go back to the sooner to clarify and to understand exactly what Allah subhanho wa Taala wants us do what he wants us to do, because this religion is not based on what I want, and what you want, and what that person desires, or a third, fourth party, but rather, this religion is built on what Allah wants, what he what he has commanded, what he wants us to do, that's what we follow. And the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam came to clarify and explain to us what it is at a low once. So that is

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the foundation of this religion, the Book of Allah and the Sunnah. The second issue we want to talk about was, what is the status of marriage, in the book of Allah and in the sooner so we know that Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us in the Quran, that he has seen the prophets, and he has given them or he has provided for them wives and children. Now, there are a few exceptions to this rule. But most prophets and messengers had wives and they had children. And I'll come back to this point later, because it will fit nicely into the issue of interracial or multiracial marriages.

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So we know that most of the profits and most of the messages they had wives, and their children, we know that the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had wives, and he had children. So this concept of marriage in Islam is something that Allah subhana wa Taala has allowed for not only for the Muslims, but also for the people before us. And Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us that he has created from ourselves, been unphysical, as large and Lita scudo, la ha, he has created these wives and these mates and these spouses for us, so that we may find tranquility with them, we might find happiness with them. And that's the reason why we get married. We don't get married to get a tax

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break. We don't get married so that you know, because our parents are on our case. Is this familiar in Malaysia? Where your parents tell you when are you going to get married? You know, how long are you going to wait? You know, you're not getting any younger. This is a seems to be something that's common in every culture. We have this pleasure to work to get married. But Allah subhana wa tada tells us that he has created for us from ourselves, spouses, and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he said to the two young people one day, you say to them, oh, young people who ever have you is able to marry they let him do so whoever is able to afford to get married, let him let him marry.

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And he said, because if you get married, it will be easier for you to lower your gaze, because you won't feel the need to want to look at the opposite * anymore. Because you are, you are in a marriage and your spouse is helping you to deal with your sexual desire. And you can also protect your private parts, and whoever cannot afford to get married, listen carefully. If you cannot afford to get married, you cannot get married, then you should fast. You should fast. Why? Because fasting will be a means of controlling your sexual desire.

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So this is the advice of the Prophet salallahu idea. He was set up using cottaging, the people to get married. And I want you to pay careful attention to what he says. He doesn't say Oh, adverbs, he does not say, Oh, you know, oh, Europeans, or Asians. He doesn't mention the race here. He's speaking to the Muslims. And he is saying, oh, Muslims, whoever is amongst you is able to marry they let him do so. And that's we're going to find very important, because we'll talk about this when we explain the fic and the understanding of the rulings regarding interracial marriages. The last thing I want to talk about before we delve into that issue, is the issue of racism in Islam. And and let

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me quote some verses from the Quran. And is one verse especially that I want us to understand, we need to explain this verse. And so we can see that this issue of race the issue of for myself as a South African,

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this is a particularly sensitive issue, because I grew up and we will go into this to this beach. I thought we were going to the beach. And then I say to my father while my father said no, we can't go to this beach and I said why not? He said don't you read the sign and I was about eight years old or seven. And I saw the sign and the sign said whites only slaves blancas in Afrikaans

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so only white people could swim at this beach.

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And my father is lighter complexion like me. And my my uncle, my father's full brother. His dock is gonna dock

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And the bus would pull up in the mornings. And that this bus would be only for white people, my father could get on. And my father would drive off. My uncle had to wait for the bus that was for the blacks, because he was a darker complexion.

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And they are from the same mother and the same father.

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This is the reality on my on my birth certificate, it says Kate Malay.

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I know many of you will find that funny. It says on my birth certificate, Cape Malay. Why? Because anyone that was born in Cape Town, doesn't matter what color your skin was, does it matter? You know, that none of these things mattered what mattered was do which area Did you get where you bought in? Or did you grow up in and where you were able to sleep? And if I grew up, let's say, I grew up in Amazon, and I had a Muslim name. My name was Tarik author of man or something similar or Fatima? I could have blue eyes and blonde hair. Okay, I would be I would be cape Malay.

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So for me, this is a very sensitive issue. So but I want us to look at it now. Not from my perspective, not from my emotional, you know, historical perspective. But I want us to now view it in what we discussed earlier, the Quran and the Sunnah. Allah subhanho wa Taala tells us in totally forgot

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Ilana Tara,

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Coco, Allah says, Oh people, I have created you from a male and a female. And I have made you nations and tribes so that you could get to know one another.

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I'll say that again.

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Allah subhanho wa Taala escalated us from one man and for one woman.

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What were they with MLA with a Chinese with the Indian with a European, North American, South American, what were they? Allah, Allah, we did it better. We are all from Adam and his wife. Every one of us, regardless of your background, regardless of where you come from, all of us share the same ancestors

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and hard work.

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And from these two people, Allah subhanho wa Taala created our nations, and he created our different tribes and our different languages. The reality is that you and I Subhana Allah,

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I've been doing a lot of research on this issue, because it is something that you know, his interest is I find interesting. And that is how we all split off from you know from other and how we are, and how we people migrated across. That is why there are so many similarities between the languages in Southeast Asia, like some of the languages spoken by the Muslims in Cambodia, and also the Thai language, and the Malay language, and also the Filipino language or what's most what's the majority spoken language in the Philippines, there are so many similarities. And if you go to other you know, other the Pacific Islands, you will find that there are similarities over there. If you look at the

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Middle East, Aramaic, Hebrew, Arabic, Syriac, these are all languages that share the same roots, and so on and so forth. We can go around the world, we can do the same thing.

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And so we find that people come from this, these are the ancestors. Sure, obon, he has made us nations walk in, and tribes to get to know one another. And one of the best ways for these, these nations and these peoples to get to know one another is through marriage.

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And that is something that has submitted bonds of empires and kingdoms for four millennia. And we only have to go back a few centuries, and this is actually a problematic issue. But how people were intermatic in Europe to make sure that they the kingdoms stayed, you know, together, like the Spanish kingdom, the Hapsburgs, you know, and so on and so forth. Lita, our office to get to know one another, not so that you can discriminate against one another, not so that you can think yourself inferior or superior to others. But to get to know one another leader out of and in that out of it in that getting to know one another. We get to benefit from one another. We get to do

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trade with one another. We get to have relationships, whether they be in Mary Jo in friendship, we get to benefit from your technology and you from buying.

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The Greeks benefited from the alphabet of the Phoenicians and that's the alphabet that we have today. The Greco Latin alphabet, but they got that from the Phoenicians because of that intertrade Lita out of Who do you not only get to know one another, but you get to know one another's culture. You get to know one another's

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languages you get to benefit from each other, from the inventions from all these amazing things. You know, there's a book that I bought recently it's called the Columbian Exchange. I wasn't I didn't buy the book, I received it as a gift. And if anyone wants to give me a gift, there's no better gift that I like that a than a book. But as a side note,

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so this book speaks about what happened off to 1492. And you see the amount of benefit Did you know that before 19, before 1492, they went no potatoes outside of North America.

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No tomatoes, no maze. There was no one ice in North and South America.

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So what I'd like to tell you is that we have benefit from benefited from people as Allah subhanho wa Taala mentions in this verse, but this is not the most important part of the verse in

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the law here at Coco, the most noble amongst you, is not the person who has a particular passport, or who speaks a particular language, or who has a particular skin color. No. The most noble amongst you are those who have Taqwa. You know what taco is. deca is a consciousness of a law. It is an awareness of a law. It is a fear of loss punishment. That is what taqwa is. But the question is, where is this stuff while the Prophet tells us in another Hadith? Attack Hua Hua Hua Hua, taqwa is here. It's in the heart. Where's your taco? How much stuff? What do you have?

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Do you have it in your hair?

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In your facial features? Do you have it in your passport? Where's your taco? Where's your consciousness of Allah? Is that something I can see your skin color?

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Or what has been designated as your race?

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There's something really amazing with Allah says that the most noble amongst you are those who have Taqwa. Why is that so amazing? Because taqwa is something that cannot be judged, with our eyes, or with our laws, or with our manmade culture. It's something in the heart, which only Allah knows. And if only Allah knows it, that you and I cannot be competing in it. You cannot be better than me because I don't know. Do you have both afforded me or do I have more taqwa than you? Are you more noble than me? Or is it vice versa? Who is more noble? Yeah, put up your head Who is the most noble person sitting in this room? Who has the most taqwa? who fears Allah the Most? Who is the best

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Muslim sitting in this room? And the answer to all of these questions is without them.

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I'd like to believe that perhaps I have some way, you know, but the reality is that I don't know. And that is why Allah subhanho wa Taala uses that as the means of judging a person's piety and righteousness, or rather more specifically, a person's nobility, a person superiority. He makes a taqwa because taqwa cannot be judged by human standards. Because we make them up all the time in South Africa. Let's go back again.

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If you were light of complexion, but they were confused, are you white or you're not white, you know what they would do? They had, they had something called the pencil test. The I don't have a pencil here. And I don't have here, unfortunately. But what they would do

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is they would put the pencil through your head. And if you lowered your head and the pencil fell out, this is an indication of your whiteness, because your hair is straight.

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But if you had curly or wavy hair, and you put the pencil in your hair, and it didn't fall out, you were either colored, or you were black.

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This is how they This is how they determine with race. That's a man made a man made designation. And we have had other ways of doing it as well, during the Nazi regime.

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The designation was that we wanted to breed a superior nation with blond hair green and blue eyes. And the funny thing is, he didn't have that himself. That's really funny. But anyway, we want. What I'm saying is that we make up these things and Allah subhanho wa Taala has lived it to himself to judge who is superior who is better, which races you know, the better race.

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It's not judged by our designation, but is judged by taqwa What is it the hot. Now let's talk about something more specific.

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The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that there is absolutely no superiority for an Arab over a non Arab, nor for a non Arab over an atom, or a black bear a white person over a black person or a black person over a white person. What is important, it's what's over here. It's the top law. It's

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Your faith and all of these things cannot be seen by other people. And we need to understand this and will lie It's well it saddens me though in that coming from South Africa coming to Malaysia, and you read about, you know, Malay nationalists and all of these kinds of things, it's it's it boggles my mind. You know, it's, it's difficult to understand why in a Muslim country and these people claim to be Muslims, they wish to propagate something, which is from the days of ignorance, the days of Jamelia, something which the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam took every opportunity to stamp out. We now in Muslim countries and in non Muslim countries as well, we are encouraging this, we are

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supporting this, this kind of racism and nationalism. We don't need this in the oma right now.

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And this is something that we need to understand and we need to be dedicated to wiping out and that brings me to the topic of real importance and why we are all here.

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And that is the issue of interracial marriage in Islam.

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The first thing I want to tell you is that the Quran and the Sunnah

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makes absolutely no restriction or places no restriction on an Arab marrying a non Arab, or vice versa. Or a white man marrying a black woman, or a black man what marrying a white woman or a man marrying a Chinese woman, or a Chinese man marrying a blonde woman and I can go on with this, of course. But the point I want to make is that there is no such regulation in the Quran and in the sadhana. What the scholars do discuss is not the issue of race, but they speak about katha katha means that the man and the woman are suitable for one another. They talk about compatibility. They don't talk about racial compatibility. And the first thing that they discuss when they talk about

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this compatibility is compatibility in religion.

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They say that the the Firstly, and maybe we speak about this, before we get into a separate a separate discussion. We know that it is not permissible for a Muslim woman to marry a non Muslim man, I must make that very clear. So when we talk about interracial marriage, it is between a Muslim man and a Christian or a Jewish woman or between a Muslim man and a Muslim woman. And even then, even though Islam has allowed a Muslim man to marry a Jewish or a Christian woman, personally, in my experience, having you know worked with this issue in South Africa, I do not recommend it.

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I am not saying that it is how long have I bought saying that I've changing what Allah and I'm saying or what Allah has made Hillel I am making how long No. But in my experience, if you are not living in a Muslim country, or in a country that deals with this issue in the way that it is made to be dealt with, like South Africa, and Malaysia is also a deal a few laws that are being introduced now into into Malaysian law. And part of the you know, the the personal law that is going to change this issue as well. But perhaps we'll we'll get an opportunity to talk about that a little bit later. I do not encourage any of you brothers, if you want to marry a Christian, or a Jewish woman,

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I discourage you from doing that. And for so many reasons, firstly, the influence of your non Muslim wife on your children

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because you would be working and she would be the one that will be teaching and raising your children. The second thing is that if you divorce she if she gets custody of your children, you no longer have any opportunity to influence your children in the way that you could if you were married to a Muslim woman, and I've seen this well law he many times at least nine times.

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And people come to be crying because they remarried. But now that they the son or the daughter is living with the with the wife or the ex wife.

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These know Islam lifted his life anymore. What am I one of my closest friends is having this problem right now.

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where his son where he steps on is so conflicted between living with his Christian father and his he was this father left Islam. He was mad. He was married to, to this boy's mother. They had you know, the they had this baby out of wedlock. They got married, he became a Muslim. A few years later, they divorced and he left Islam and now he's married to someone else. And he's a Christian again. So my friend married this this woman, but he's dealing with this issue. So I said, I really discourage you from doing that.

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That is why we need to talk about the issue of compatibility. Compatibility in religion, that's the first issue. When you get married, look for someone that shares your religious beliefs and commitment.

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That is extremely important. Find someone that shares your, your religious commitment. I'm not saying that you need to, you know, this is we're not talking about race. We're not talking about background, we're not even talking about education yet. I'll talk about that later. But the first and most important thing is that you need to find someone that is as passionate as you are even more passionate about, about religion, about Islam, about practicing Islam, about the commitment to the deed, this is the first thing when we talk about compatibility. The second issue that needs to be discussed when it comes to compatibility is the issue of the issue of

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education, per se, like a degree, but your Islamic education. Because many times we get married, and we hope that we will change the person, we hope that we will talk to this person and this person will, will change. Many people have married like this, and many people have been have been disappointed. And so my advice to you is to get married to someone who not only has your passion, but also has your understanding your knowledge, if not the same in some way close to that as well. Now, this is we must talk about the third issue. And that is the issue of

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past let's talk about this as the second issue we'll talk about education is the third issue, the issue of wealth. Again, imagine the scholars they are not talking about, they're not talking about race, yet. They're talking about religion, they they're talking about wealth, then the third thing and the fourth thing would be about education, and about and about your you know, your background and your lineage and where you come from, that's going to be important. But as the third and the fourth criteria, the second criteria is wealth. Now, we don't mean you must have a lot of it, but it means that your economic status must be similar.

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Now, this doesn't mean that a wealthy woman cannot marry a poor man and vice versa. But I have seen this be a huge problem. And this is one of the major causes of divorce in Malaysia, and in many countries around the world. It is the financial independence of women.

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And there are two reasons for this. The first is that men

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naturally feel this is the disposition and also, the culture reinforces this, that they feel that they must be the breadwinners. And in various societies where the wife earns more than the husband, what is this cause it causes an imbalance and it goes it causes friction in that marriage. And the second is if a woman asserts that superiority or that her ability to earn more, or the fact that she does earn more, and I've coupled medic, I've counseled many couples that have this problem. I'll give you a typical example. The husband earns 5000 ringgit every month and his wife earns eight

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and so they had this agreement that you know when if when we love as any of you all been in love before

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that don't worry about it, you know,

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to fall in love is natural. It's It's It's not haram or halal. But to act upon that being in love, that's the issue. But so we've all been in love or been infatuated or in South Africa, we call it puppy love. I don't know what you call it in Malaysia. But you've all experienced this and what happens when you feel like this is that you start talking, you start saying things. Oh, you know, when we get married, if we get married, we'll share the expenses and we will you know, buy the groceries together. Oh, it's gonna be so wonderful. Or the husband will say No, you don't. You don't have to pay for anything. This is the guy when he's in love. You know, don't but you don't have to

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pay for anything. I'll I'll take care of you. I'll pay for everything. Marsha a lot of articles why wonderful. Okay, and then they get married.

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Then he realizes that is not that easy. The rent is 1503 get groceries is this is the cost fuel as to pay for this and for that. And then he realizes that he's 5000 ringgit is not enough. So he goes to his wife, by love by darling. You know, can you help out with some of the expenses? Of course, of course, because she is in love. She agrees. She says no problem.

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So what happens is that sooner or later, they come to an arrangement where they're going 6040 or 5050, whatever the arrangement is. But one day the wife starts to feel that this is not her responsibility. That she doesn't Why is she

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Spending, she goes to a talk where the shifts are the dad says that it is the sole responsibility of the husband to take care of all the expenses. And she goes, yes, I knew it all along. So she goes home. And she tells her husband about, you know, this, this hook by this telco that she listened to it, she says is unacceptable that I as a Muslim woman needs to pay for anything. So that's the beginning of the friction. That's how it starts. But then he says, No, but you said you agreed, and how are we going to manage and then later, when she feels that her husband is on it, to take advantage of her, she might remind him, not only of his right as a Muslim man and a husband, but

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also the fact that she earns more. And she will be an ATM for the fact that he's not making effort to earn more, why haven't we married three years now, and you still earning 5000 linkerd wide.

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And so that becomes a source of of friction. And many couples get divorced because of this issue. This is not I mean, it starts with this. It could be financial, it could be you know, something else. But all of these things taken together would result in a couple if you're not willing to work through these issues, it will end up in a divorce. So what do we want, we want compatibility in the economic status. And if we cannot have compatibility, we want the husband and the wife to say to each other, that I understand that it is my responsibility to take care of you. And the Why should say that I will help you way I can. But I make no, I make no promises. Or when I feel that I cannot

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help you anymore, that you should be. And this is important for those of you that are going to get married soon. Please write down these things.

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Put them on paper, write them down. If whatever agreements you have, write them down, if your future husband seems says to you, I will not get married again, while I'm married to you with that on paper. Right?

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If I promised to not leave Malaysia and move back to my country, and take you with me, we will stay in Malaysia until you decide that you are ready to leave your family. Put that down on paper. Why? Because when we are in love, and you know, and when we are going through this euphoria of the love stage, what do we find? we find we make promises that deep down if we were honest with ourselves, we wouldn't keep

00:32:35 --> 00:32:41

or we couldn't keep. Because he knows that two years from now his company is going to ask him to move back to South Africa

00:32:43 --> 00:32:59

or to England, or to wherever he's from. But because he wants to make her happy at the end, he wants to marry her. He's going to say we're not moving back. No way. I want to stay in Malaysia, Malaysia is wonderful. Of course I can have nasty I have every day.

00:33:01 --> 00:33:39

So this is we need to be very careful. And if you do make promises whether the woman is making promises to the man, or the man is making promises to the woman, write these things down and have them signed by witnesses. Why? Because I have counseled too many couples, for for them only to argue. But he said but she said, So where's the evidence for all of these things? There's no evidence, they all know what this is. These are those WhatsApp conversations that you had before you got married. And you deleted them since then. So there's no way to prove what he said. Or she said, write them down. Have someone you trust,

00:33:40 --> 00:34:19

you know, signed them as a witness. So that if you do disagree on any of these issues later, at least whoever does the counseling, or the arbitration can have something in front of them. I can I can hold the husband and the wife accountable for what's for what's on that piece of paper. That's very important. I never will lie if you had asked me this five years ago, I would have said no, it's unnecessary. Why should you write these things out? Muslims are, you know, honest and trustworthy people and Muslims are, but in when we are emotional, when we are going through emotional stress, when we are fighting with the person that we love.

00:34:20 --> 00:34:25

It's amazing what people forget, and what they you know, all of a sudden,

00:34:26 --> 00:34:59

have no recollection of. So we must avoid this. So what do we do compatibility in wealth. So this doesn't mean that if you are a wealthy person, you cannot marry a poor person. But you need to understand what you will be getting yourself into. If you get married to that person. If you are a woman from a wealthy family, and the man that you are going to marry is not like that. He's not like your father. He's not like your brothers. He doesn't earn even a fraction of what your father and and your family earns. Then you need to understand that your lifestyle

00:35:00 --> 00:35:03

is going to take a radical change if you if you marry this man.

00:35:04 --> 00:35:41

And you must, you must know that it is going to be like that there will be no more expense accounts, your husband will not be able to afford the luxuries that you enjoyed, when you were living with your father, that needs to be understood, that needs to be acknowledged. And there needs to be an understanding between both families that that's the reality. No one should come to me later or to any other person who does marriage counseling and say, oh, but I didn't know it was gonna be so bad if I had known. No, this is marriage. And this is why the in love experience can be beautiful, but it can also be very detrimental.

00:35:42 --> 00:35:45

The third thing we want to talk about is leverage.

00:35:47 --> 00:36:06

And this is the issue that perhaps becomes the biggest sticking point, this issue of leverage and race and compatibility in terms of cultural, you know, similarities and all of those, you know, all of those considerations. This is really why we got together tonight. We want to talk about this.

00:36:07 --> 00:36:11

Can a ballet man marry a Chinese woman?

00:36:13 --> 00:36:59

That's all it was is a rhetorical question but just below head on and the answer yes, the answer is yes. There is absolutely is absolutely nothing that prevents this from happening. And what is most important is what we mentioned as being the first and most important issue of compatibility. And that is religion. That is Islam that is taqwa. Okay. So, let us look at a few examples to clarify this. As I said, when I started this discussion, there is nothing in the Quran the sooner that this allows or prohibits interracial marriage. And let us look at examples and we will see that this is something that is not always not only practiced by the prophet Muhammad Sallallahu, alayhi wasallam,

00:36:59 --> 00:37:30

but by other prophets as well. The first example that I can think of, is the marriage of Ibrahim. To to sorrow and sorrow Ibrahim was from what is today he was Mesopotamian. Okay, we will call him a rocky it wasn't called iraq at that time. But he was from what was called it was what was called ancient Mesopotamian. Okay. And he and the woman that gave birth to his son, his smile, she was from Egypt.

00:37:31 --> 00:37:51

Okay, she was an Egyptian. And so these are two different races, they spoke two different languages. But yet, Allah subhanho wa Taala allowed him to be with this woman. And Allah subhanho wa Taala gave them a child. And this child was born of to have two parents that were not of the same race.

00:37:53 --> 00:38:07

The father was Mesopotamian, and the mother was Egyptian. Then this son is married. When he grew up in Makkah, would he get married to he got married to an Arab woman, from the tribe of Judah home from Yemen.

00:38:09 --> 00:38:26

So you have a person who is mixed race, getting married to someone who is an Arab, and from the two of them would come the lineage of the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. So even though we considered the courage to be pure Arabs, in reality, they are not.

00:38:27 --> 00:39:06

And that's something to think about. And that is something really interesting and I just want to go on the side just to to deviate from the slightly for myself. I am English, Malay, Indian, and Dutch. And someone asked me the other day, do you have any African blood? I said, I don't know. Okay, this is what I know. English, Dutch, Malay and Indian. That's what I know. And they are people in South Africa. This is the funny part who consider themselves to be like pure 100% white. But after he died, we found out that his great great great grandmother was from the Khoisan.

00:39:08 --> 00:39:13

So he's, he was a white supremist.

00:39:14 --> 00:39:23

He was a person who considered you know, was talking about, you know, the whites only and you know, and whites are the best etc. But he is Greg, Greg, Greg glad mother was black.

00:39:24 --> 00:39:28

And he didn't know that. But now he knows, at least before he died, he knew.

00:39:29 --> 00:39:32

What I want to point out here is that there's no such thing as a pure race.

00:39:34 --> 00:39:40

And this, you know, this is so ridiculous to be, especially from my perspective, that there's no such thing.

00:39:41 --> 00:39:59

There we can you imagine 1000s and 1000s and 1000s of years of trading and conquest and intermingling. And we still claim that we are puree somehow. absolutely impossible. Jeff will either go heck he was telling me about this genetic issue.

00:40:00 --> 00:40:21

DNA tests that you can do. The company is based in California, you can go online and they will send you the kit. Okay, they do take a swab of your saliva or something and you put it back into the into the tube, and you send that back to them. Then they do a detailed analysis of your DNA. He found out that he is 3% Italian.

00:40:24 --> 00:40:38

Like he knows that his father, his father is from Egypt and his and his mother is from Turkey. That's what he knows. But he didn't know that he's 3%, Italian and 2%, you know, from Cyprus, and, and so on and so forth.

00:40:39 --> 00:40:51

And, you know, Chef, Abdullah, Abdullah, * Abdullah, Abdullah Hakim, quick, you know, he found out also doing easy research into his background, that he's part Native American as well.

00:40:53 --> 00:41:27

He didn't know that he thought that he was, you know, is he's got white ancestry and black ancestry, and that's it. But he also found out now that he's also got Native American ancestry. So coming back to the issue of Israel. So Israel was born of a visit pertanian father and an Egyptian mother, then the Prophet Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. There are many other examples, but I'm going to go straight into the sutra now because we use the sutra and we said that the sutra is the basis for our understanding. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he married a Jewish woman. Is she an Arab?

00:41:29 --> 00:41:42

A Jewish woman? Is she an error? No, she's not an atom. It's a separate race. She's not an Arab. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam married her Sophia,

00:41:43 --> 00:42:26

one of his slaves. Many scholars debate about whether or not she was his wife or his slave. But the point is that she bought him a son, and she was also Egyptian. And the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam had a relationship with her, and he had a child with her. So this issue of race and interracial marriages was something which the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. Not only did he not prohibited prohibits it, but rather he sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was engaging in it. And later, when the companions were conquering parts of the Roman and Persian Empire, they were marrying women that were omens and women that were Persians, women that were Egyptians, we were there were at

00:42:26 --> 00:42:36

the CD ends and New Orleans. And they made no distinction. What was important for them was what was religion was the, that was the focus. That was what was important.

00:42:38 --> 00:43:21

They didn't say that, Oh, no, this woman is not from my tribe. She's not from by race. What they were looking for was someone who was what Allah subhanho wa Taala wants a spouse to be Lita school in a her so that you may find serenity and tranquility with that person. And if you find that with someone who is from a different race, from a different country, who speaks languages that you don't know, of course, you want to be able to speak a common language. I think that's, that's important. Okay, that compatibility, at least communication, but we're lucky to be honest with you, I have seen and I'll be honest, I haven't seen many examples of this. But I have seen couples that do not speak

00:43:22 --> 00:44:08

a common language. But yet three or four years later, I meet them, now they speak, they know, like when it's English, or actually do this. I think this would be very, very relevant to to Malaysia right now. There was a man a Chinese man, he had moved from Shanghai to to Cape Town for business. And when he came, he didn't speak a word of English, okay, not a word. And he wanted to be accepted this route. And then he married this Muslim woman. And they couldn't communicate at the beginning, because his English was almost non existent. And obviously, she didn't speak Chinese at all. But so had a lot. I met him a few years later. And obviously, by that time, his English had improved. She

00:44:08 --> 00:44:49

had made the effort to at least learn some Mandarin and Alhamdulillah they are happy couples together, but they got married for what for what reason? For deed, they got married for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala. And because of that, they were able to deal with those, those communication issues that they had at the beginning. And there was a commitment to want to do it. Lita, scudo, Ella, so that you may find tranquility, happiness with the person, that should be your consideration. And that it should it shouldn't be restricted to happiness in the dunya. But also, more importantly, that the person you want to get married to is going to help you be successful in

00:44:49 --> 00:44:59

the often. That's what you're looking for. That's what you want. That's what's more important than anything else. And this is why we find that the society and the culture that

00:45:00 --> 00:45:08

We live in teaches us that if you are in love, you can come to all. So why then do we have such a huge rate of divorce in our countries?

00:45:10 --> 00:45:15

If love conquers all, if I, you know, video, are you familiar with love at first sight?

00:45:16 --> 00:45:23

as it ever happened to any of you? It has, oh, yeah, we need to, we need to do some counseling later.

00:45:24 --> 00:46:02

Talk to me talk about this. But this happens, it could happen at a campus, it could happen at school, it could happen at work. Okay, it could happen just you know, you add a party or you add a function, and you could see someone. And so behind the law, you know, you just infatuated from the first time you see them, you get to know this person, you talk about marriage and hamdulillah you get married, and it's all about, you know, the butterflies in the stomach. And, you know, the, the the the goosebumps, this sounds familiar, doesn't it? Okay, butterflies in the stomach, the excitement to see this person. Now, on average, after you get married, this only last for two years,

00:46:03 --> 00:46:19

a psycho psychologist in the US, she did a study of the love experience. And what she found was that on average, married couples lose this in love experience this in love euphoria, after two years, after two years, what what is going to hold you together.

00:46:21 --> 00:46:26

So this issue of if you if you before you got married, if you are willing to overlook

00:46:27 --> 00:46:42

the economic status of your spouse, the race of your spouse, the you know, the nationality of your spouse, all of these things were not important to you. What is going to happen after the love euphoria is gone?

00:46:44 --> 00:47:03

Are you willing to say that these things are not going to matter anymore? Or will they come to the fall again, I'll share something with you that happened, that someone came to me for advice. He was from South Africa and his wife was from another country. And she wasn't also what we would call a can we call our we said

00:47:04 --> 00:47:49

she was an immigrant family. Okay, she was born with immigrant family that had moved from, from a country to Australia. But she was born there. And, you know, for all intents and purposes, she's Australian, but easy South Africa, and they meet online. That sounds familiar. Anyone? So can you raise your hands, you know, keep your keep your sentence to yourself. Right now. I'm just kidding. But they met online somehow whether it was a matrimonial site to some, some way they met online. And they got to know one another. And then they decided after a few weeks of talking on Skype and on WhatsApp, and so on, they decided that they want to get married. But then he asked, he asked her a

00:47:49 --> 00:47:55

question. He said, Are you a virgin? Have you been with other men before?

00:47:57 --> 00:48:38

Now, he accepted Islam. And even though she was born into a Muslim home, she wasn't always practicing. Okay. She was she was always she was, she was a party go. She would go out clubbing and you know, she was living that lifestyle. And a whole her whole family was like that. But other Friday, if you want to go for Juba, but this is how they grew up. So he asked this question that's behind a lot. I mean, this would be a difficult question to ask someone. But he asked this question. And I, he came to me. And he was on the verge of tears, because she said that, yes, she had been with other men before. Now, I thought that was very ironic because he wasn't a Muslim before. And he

00:48:38 --> 00:48:50

was also living that same lifestyle that she was living before she started practicing. So in that regard, they are the same. So I asked him simple questions. I said, My first question to you is,

00:48:51 --> 00:48:56

does she have all of the qualities that you're looking for in a wife?

00:48:57 --> 00:49:00

He said, Yes. I said, Okay.

00:49:01 --> 00:49:02

Number two,

00:49:04 --> 00:49:09

do you want to marry her? He said, Yes. But I said, No. Do you want to marry her?

00:49:11 --> 00:49:25

He said, Yes. Then I asked him the last question. I said, If you marry her, you have to promise me, yourself and her that you will never bring up this issue again.

00:49:27 --> 00:49:49

If you choose to marry her, you can never talk about her past and her being with other men again, it's like it never happened. Because now she's your wife. She is halaal for you. She has committed herself to you, and you can trust her and she can trust you and so on and so forth. You will never never bring this up again.

00:49:50 --> 00:49:59

So he said, Yes. Okay. I will do that. A few weeks later, they got married and have the law. They've been married for two and a half years now and they have a baby boy.

00:50:01 --> 00:50:15

But this is important. If you are willing to overlook the fact that your spouse is Malay, or Chinese or Indian, if you are going to overlook the fact that they don't have the same education like you, if you are going to overlook the fact that they don't have, you know,

00:50:16 --> 00:50:26

the same upbringing that you had, whatever the issue is, whatever the issue is, if you're going to marry this person, this must never ever, ever again, be an issue.

00:50:28 --> 00:50:31

Even if you have an argument, even if you have a fight,

00:50:32 --> 00:51:12

my parents told me not to marry you know, you chose to marry this person, that those considerations should never ever factor into a into an argument that you will have and you will have an argument. Anyone who's sitting here who thinks that if they get married because they are in love, they will never have an argument with the spouse is kidding themselves. I want you to forget about that. Now. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam used to have arguments with his wives. They used to have disagreements, one wife sent him food and Isola de la vida, she hit the food out to the servants and out of jealousy.

00:51:13 --> 00:51:16

And so at the Prophet diaries, they What can he do, he says

00:51:17 --> 00:51:20

that, you know, your mother has become jealous.

00:51:21 --> 00:51:47

So you're going to have to deal with these kinds of things, there are going to be, they are going to be times where your mother and father will come to visit. And it will irritate your spouse, no ID, or you will go and visit your in laws, and they will criticize you. Your spouse is Alhamdulillah, supportive and loving. But you can have to deal with that. That should never be something you take home with you. Why are your parents like this? Why are they always on my case?

00:51:48 --> 00:51:50

Haha, that's just how it is.

00:51:51 --> 00:52:10

You can speak to them, you can ask your husband or your wife to speak to his or her parents and sort of deal with the issue. But you will get to have these things. And will lie II. This is why I don't know if any of you have attended the workshop on the five languages of love. You have Raise your hand if you have. Okay.

00:52:11 --> 00:52:29

Why is this important? Because after the in love experience goes away what happens people start asserting themselves. And the biggest problem is when they start asserting themselves not only because of the personality traits, but also because of the cultural expectations. I'll give you a typical example.

00:52:30 --> 00:53:10

I was in India and in India, even if the wife has a PhD, she is expected author she gets married to stay at home, take care of the house, cook and clean and take care of the kids. Okay, at least I've agreed to generalize. India is a very big country. I'll only talk about the south where I lived. I lived in Bangalore, in Karnataka. And this was my experience will lie you do not have any girls and women have have specialized in medicine, orthopedic surgeons, right off the bat ologists. And they are now at home. Since they graduated, they've never worked as a doctor.

00:53:11 --> 00:53:12

But that's not the point I want to make you.

00:53:13 --> 00:53:59

What happens there is that as soon as this happens, a woman has to give up all of her aspirations, all of her dreams, and culture culturally she's made to become almost like subservient to her husband. And what this happened with what this means is that even though they might have been that in love euphoria at the beginning, once she once it sinks in, that she is no longer going to be able to pursue her career, and be someone that the person that she wanted to be. And she has to resign herself to the fact that she will be a housewife for the rest of her life. This is when people start having major issues. And they drift apart. And you know, he lives his life, she lives her life, and

00:53:59 --> 00:54:26

so on and so forth. And I don't want I don't want that for myself or for you. And that is why it's important to look at the five languages of love. So that regardless of the culture regardless of the race, regardless of all of the obstacles that they were before you got married, the two of you if you want to be married and stay married and be happily married, then you got to look at five things. The first language of love is words of appreciation.

00:54:28 --> 00:54:59

Where you constantly encouraging one another complementing one another, making each other feel good, you're beautiful, you're handsome. I love the way that you comb your hair. I love this about you. You will now you are going to be you are going for an interview you are going to ace that interview because you work hard. You talking to each other like this. And if you know that your wife or your husband wanted to achieve something before marriage, your wife wanted to go and finish her her master's degree. As a husband you get to support her. You will help her make that area

00:55:00 --> 00:55:43

If your wife wanted to write a book, but because she got married, and because she had two children, now, she never got the opportunity, you are going to encourage her tell her. Well, now you have the talent, you have, you know, all the necessary knowledge and skill, you can achieve this words of appreciation and encouragement complements. The second language is quality, time. rigor, and this is important, especially when in your culture, when in your culture, people or your culture expects you to work hard, and to, you know, work weekends and work overtime. And it's all about work, work, work. And you never make time for your family. This is not this unacceptable for us as Muslims, and

00:55:43 --> 00:55:50

is definitely unacceptable in a marriage. You have to make time for your spouse quality time, not where you're sitting with your phone.

00:55:51 --> 00:55:57

And your wife's talking to you. And you're like, Oh, that's interesting. Wonderful. Yeah. Did you like

00:56:00 --> 00:56:10

your wife tells you, are you paying attention? And he he, oh, this is how women will catch you out brothers. She'll say, What What was I saying?

00:56:13 --> 00:56:19

And then you say what you the last thing that you remember. And then she said, No, you weren't listening.

00:56:20 --> 00:56:27

And that's okay, if it happens the first time, or the second time or the third time. But if that is how she perceives

00:56:29 --> 00:56:58

your willingness to listen to her and pay attention to her, that is going to become a huge problem later. So quality, time means focused, undivided attention. When your spouse is sitting there husband or wife say looking at you and say, he or she loves me, because nothing else matters. But me. That's what the message of quality time is meant to give. The number three is receiving gifts, who likes to receive gifts, raise your hand, put up both hands.

00:56:59 --> 00:57:02

If anybody wants to give me a gift, that Range Rover Evoque.

00:57:03 --> 00:57:46

Right? Is is a gift that I will cherish for the rest of my life. Okay, but we all love to receive gifts, and the Prophet says that I do to Habu and every single culture. In every culture, giving gifts is a huge part of not only marriage, but life in general. Especially marriage, giving gifts, you can go to any wedding in the world, anybody you can go into, you can go to the primitive, we shouldn't call them primitive, but we call them traditional, you know societies in the Amazon. When people get married, the gifts are exchanged. You go to Japan, gifts are exchanged at weddings, you go to South Africa, and the list will go on you give giving at marriages, and it shouldn't stop at

00:57:46 --> 00:58:00

the at the wedding. It should continue. I know a man who gives his wife a rose every day, every if not not every day. But every Juba before he goes to Boston, and they are married for 46 years.

00:58:02 --> 00:58:09

From the time they got married until now, he gives his wife a rose before he goes to Juba.

00:58:11 --> 00:58:50

And voila, he will you see this couple and we not only will you see them, but when you see their children. It's amazing. It's amazing the kind of home that these kids grew up in, and the love that this that they have for each other. If you want the love to stay alive, if you want to be you know to feel loved, and for your spouse to feel loved. They give each other gifts to her do the Hubble give gifts and you will create mutual love for each other. So giving gifts or receiving gifts, number four acts of service. Now this is again a cultural and you know it might be taboo. Let me see

00:58:51 --> 00:58:52

in Malaysia

00:58:53 --> 00:58:59

is it considered to be a have been encouraged? Or

00:59:00 --> 00:59:02

what used to be I'm looking for a better word.

00:59:03 --> 00:59:10

But is it normal? Is it is it okay this go with normal? Is it normal for me to do housework?

00:59:14 --> 00:59:15

Let's be honest now.

00:59:17 --> 00:59:47

For the Malaysian sisters. Did you grow up seeing your father? Do the dishes and vacuum and you did okay for the Malaysian brothers unit? You do? Are you encouraged to do that now? Yeah, your mother expects you to do dishes and sweep and mop and vacuum. Yeah. Okay. Is there anyone who's not from Malaysia? from Panama? Whatever happens in Panama, the big don't do anything in South Africa as well. Okay, in South Africa.

00:59:49 --> 00:59:59

Yeah, you know, men men are not expected. For me. I grew up like that. My Mother, she only had sons. And so you know, I would do the dishes at my brother's

01:00:00 --> 01:00:10

would actually my brother wouldn't do that. You wouldn't you wouldn't drive him. This was my brother would do. I would do the dishes, put them on the dish rack. My brother would wait until the next morning and they just pack them away.

01:00:12 --> 01:00:49

Because now they die. Right? too clever. But anyway, this is culturally This is in India. Again, the south of India. You will never see a man with a walk. It's impossible if you see a man in the kitchen. If you see him sweeping there is something wrong with that man. Right? That man is something wrong with you. Okay, maybe you didn't grow up in India. In South Africa, the same men expect that they wives do everything. And this is not the sooner the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he would help his wives in the kitchen. He would sell his own clothing. He would help with the children.

01:00:50 --> 01:00:52

How many of you how many of the main city are married?

01:00:54 --> 01:00:57

In Lila Hey Illa hero journey.

01:00:59 --> 01:01:12

Okay. May Allah God every single person sitting here a pious, righteous, beautiful, handsome spouse inshallah they will be the coolest of the eyes look at it, I mean,

01:01:13 --> 01:01:14


01:01:16 --> 01:01:22

But how many of you Do you have children? You do you change diapers?

01:01:26 --> 01:01:29

Okay, did he ask you if you had kids? Will you change diapers?

01:01:32 --> 01:01:32


01:01:35 --> 01:02:19

So, in many cultures, this is not the norm. But the sooner teaches us the Prophet sees that I, the best of you are the best of you to your families, and I am the best to my family. And he would take care of each of the children he would kiss them. So behind Allah, again, in south in South India, it's very unusual for a man to show any sort of affection towards his children. hugging and kissing them is something almost, you know, only the women do that. But that's not that. Again, Muslims give preference to the sooner over the culture. The Prophet kissed his grandsons and the man see the Bedouin, then he said, You know, I've got 1010 songs, I've never kissed any of them. The Prophet

01:02:19 --> 01:02:22

said, What can I do with Allah is removed mercy from your heart.

01:02:23 --> 01:02:29

It's not about being an Arab, or being Chinese or Indian overlay, or South African.

01:02:30 --> 01:03:13

What should I call myself, Kate Molina. I don't know, we go with the apartheid government, you know, designation. But it's not about that. It's about the sooner it's about it's about the life and the teachings of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, because he was an Arab, but he went against so really out of, you know, cultures, and nobes. Because that's not how a human is supposed to be a person, a man or a woman. Culture plays a plays a big part. And we'll talk about that as an individual. But the reality is that the sooner must be more beloved to us, the lifestyle and the teachings of Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam must be more beloved to us than our culture. And

01:03:13 --> 01:03:20

it should override our culture all the time, especially when our culture is a is an Islamic,

01:03:21 --> 01:03:40

like the issue of dowry. We the women or the woman's family needs to give monetary gifts or gifts to the man and his family. This is unacceptable This is the reverse of what Allah wants. And so we do not say no, it is my culture. Now this is an unsavoury culture.

01:03:42 --> 01:04:17

In the, you know, the Bowery tribe in Kenya, what they do before they go to battle is that they stab a bull, it's a bull or a cow in its neck, then they pull the blood into a jug, and then they mix that with bulk. And they mix that together. And they drink that before going into battle. They believe that that gives you gives you strength. Before you know it gives you bravery. Is that Islamic? Is that try becomes Muslim. Can we allow them to continue with this practice? No, because Muslims don't consume blood. We can't say well, it's your culture, go ahead and do it.

01:04:19 --> 01:04:54

So there are many aspects of our culture that number one are absolutely prohibited. And they are aspects of our culture that are in conflict with the Sunnah and contradictory to the Sunnah of the prophet muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and we must be willing to overlook that. acts of service. Sometimes you don't want to do it. You know, you don't want a vacuum, because it's not my culture. I never saw my dad vacuum ever. Okay, so I can't do it. No, the Prophet did it. You can do it. And it will show your wife something amazing. And even though my husband hates to vacuum, he loves me so much. You'll do it anyway.

01:04:56 --> 01:04:59

That's what you tell him. When you vacuum when you do the dishes. That's what

01:05:00 --> 01:05:00

Telling your wife.

01:05:02 --> 01:05:04

Now sisters, maybe teach you something.

01:05:05 --> 01:05:10

If you can't get your husband to do something, don't complain about it. Don't nag.

01:05:12 --> 01:05:44

And you should as husbands as well, if you want your wife to do something, don't nag about it. Don't complain, oh, I've been asking you for weeks and you still haven't done it Don't do this. Verbal compliments are better motivators than the complaints. This is what you need to do. Look at all the things that your spouse does, do. They, you know, like your husband takes out the, you know, the trash every night. A lot of articles, he has put the kids to bed at night. But he hasn't fixed the leak in the toilet yet. So what should you say, you should praise him for all of those things that he does do.

01:05:45 --> 01:05:47

And then you should say, you know,

01:05:48 --> 01:05:52

when you can get it, you know, when you get a chance, why don't you fix the leak in the toilet.

01:05:53 --> 01:06:39

Because you have shown him such appreciation for all of the other things that he has done, he is now psychologically ready to go and do more things that will earn your appreciation and praise. See, it's a psychological, it's all about psychology. So instead of nagging, you encourage and you know, make the husband feel that so bahagia love, my wife is so appreciative that my wife, you know, really sees what I am doing. And she tells me and praises me for it, I am more than willing to go in with We are the pliers, let me fix this leak. That's what you'll say. And so it must be in a marriage. Okay, that we must that love makes requests, not demands. I'll say that, again.

01:06:40 --> 01:07:22

When you get married, you make requests, because your love the love you have for your spouse doesn't make demands. And we have to avoid this as as Muslim men and women, why? Because we are always willing to use the religion, to blackmail our spouses into doing what we want them to do. But Allah says in the Quran, that, you know, a woman at the Prophet says that a woman will be cursed until the next morning. And we use these ideas, these ideas. And this is not how you want to a marriage is not built on blackmail, and making your spouse your spouse feel guilty. But rather, it's about love. So you make requests, not demands, the last of these five languages. And it's, it's it's cross

01:07:22 --> 01:07:29

cultural, anyone can implement this because I feel that this is the Sunda number five is physical touch.

01:07:30 --> 01:07:41

In many cultures, people don't like to work hand in hand, has anyone come from a culture like that? With this like that a man, you know, walks with his wife touching her hand.

01:07:43 --> 01:07:44


01:07:45 --> 01:07:49

Where are you from? From India. No surprise there.

01:07:53 --> 01:08:24

So we sometimes come from cultures where physical touch now there are certain types of physical touch that is an Islamic, you know, for a husband and a wife to stand, you know, outside, it's not kissing, you know, in the full view of the public, that is not permissible. But as for holding hands, you know, as for, you know, you want to whisper something in your wife's ear and going very close to her, you know, and so on. This is not, this is not how long and it This is especially important when you are in private.

01:08:25 --> 01:09:03

Take opportunities, you know, when you serving your wife, t Yes, serve your wife D acts of service, right, your wife 170 breakfast in bed, you know, take the time to touch her hand over her shoulder, give her a hug, a kiss before you go to work, or before she goes to work, do these things. Of course, physical touch includes sexual *. But that's, you know, that's also important. What's important here is to know that your spouse is your best instructor. Nobody's going to tell you about any of these five languages I just spoke about better than your husband or your wife. And it's especially true in the physical part of your marriage. What is yours? What is your spouse

01:09:03 --> 01:09:07

enjoy? What do they are some men, especially men,

01:09:08 --> 01:09:36

because men's sexuality is a bit different from a woman's, and you know, bed can be aroused in a beer in OBS a few, a few seconds, whereas women are for the most part, not like this. So men feel that any sexual touching must be enjoyable for their wife as well. But that's not the case. So maybe maybe they feel bad. And they feel rejected when they come home from work and their wife is cooking. And they go to the kitchen and they they touch her sexually and she pushes him away.

01:09:37 --> 01:09:59

And so they don't understand that. But I am your Muslim husband and the Prophet said no, but your wife is not a she's not a machine. She's a woman. And so there's a time and a place for this as well. Why am I telling you about this? Because these five things even though hamdulillah I think that we have discussed the issue of

01:10:00 --> 01:10:33

ratio marriages. And we've looked at, you know, it's permissibility. And it's the fact that it is encouraged at the fact that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam himself did it and profits before him as well. And there were many other examples. But what I gave you should be sufficient. Why am I telling you these five things? Why should you learn these five languages, because regardless of what culture you come from, these five things are applicable to you, wherever you are, wherever you are. So learn these things. The book is it's a book written by Dr. Gary Chapman, if you are getting married, anyone getting married soon.

01:10:35 --> 01:10:36

inshallah me

01:10:37 --> 01:11:16

if you're getting married soon, or even if you're not getting married soon, or even if you are married, I encourage you to buy this book and to read it. And to do the profile at the back of the book, you can even go to the website and do the profile to see what your primary love language is. And if you are married, you also want to, you want your spouse to do it as well. So that this clear communication, your wife might be the type of person who wants quality time. And you are the type of person that will that wants words of appreciation from her. And that's how you're going to keep your emotional love tags full. That's really what we want. We want to feel loved. Remember this, and I

01:11:16 --> 01:11:25

want to end off with this before we do a q&a, if indeed we are having q&a. But I want to end up with this in sha Allah, this and that's the following that

01:11:27 --> 01:11:43

we, we are in need of being loved. More than we are in need of being in love. I'll say that again. We are more in need of being loved, genuinely loved, then we are

01:11:44 --> 01:12:26

or in need of being in love. Because today you are in love tomorrow, the person that you are in love with does something and then all of a sudden, you're not in love anymore, and you move on until you fall in love again. And that's why so many people break their marriages and get married. And so by the law in the US 50 there's a divorce rate of 50% for first marriages, 60% for second marriages. And obviously you can see where this is going for third, fourth or fifth marriages. Why? Because every time they get married for the same reason, and it is not what keeps a marriage together. What keeps it managed together is a husband and a wife striving to make sure that they stay in love, and

01:12:26 --> 01:12:32

they show love towards one another. And if you five, these five things in sha Allah should make you achieve those things.

01:12:33 --> 01:12:37

Baraka law, FICO, if there are any questions, we'll take them in the last few minutes remaining.

01:12:40 --> 01:12:41

Any questions?

01:12:50 --> 01:12:51

How do I get married?

01:12:54 --> 01:12:55

That's a question.

01:12:58 --> 01:13:01

How do I not get married? How can I avoid manage?

01:13:19 --> 01:13:23

Question is, what if I meet someone who is

01:13:27 --> 01:13:33

very satisfied? And he's a nice guy, but these pieces is

01:13:36 --> 01:13:38

because he doesn't believe

01:13:40 --> 01:13:41

in Islam,

01:13:42 --> 01:13:45

but at the same time he had it.

01:14:03 --> 01:14:05

That's a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant question.

01:14:09 --> 01:14:10

How much time do we have?

01:14:12 --> 01:14:12


01:14:15 --> 01:14:18

I will start with something as you I don't think you will expect this answer.

01:14:21 --> 01:14:27

It is um, we have a principle law there are no harm or reciprocal harm.

01:14:29 --> 01:14:41

And so what this means is that as Muslims, we are encouraged to do that which benefits us and we should avoid that which harms us. And one of the worst harms that can come to a person is emotional heartbreak.

01:14:43 --> 01:14:46

So we do everything we can to avoid that.

01:14:47 --> 01:14:59

And of course, there is no heartbreak, or one of the worst types of heartbreak is between a man and a woman in a romantic relationship, whether it's Hello, it's not

01:15:00 --> 01:15:37

That's not the issue here. But that's one of the worst things that can happen to a person, for some people, it affects them permanently, is not something that they can get over. And you know, the more attracted you become to this person, the more the closer you become, the more you start feeling, you know that, you know, we are so compatible in so many different ways. And in so many different things that we share, you know, so many, we share similar life goals, etc, etc, then it becomes more difficult to break away from this person later. So, the basis of that, I give you the following advice, if you it becomes very apparent to you that this person is not willing to become a Muslim,

01:15:37 --> 01:16:15

or, okay, before we get to that point, the first thing that you need to do is you need to make your stance very clear on this issue. The second is that you need to encourage this person to at least make the effort to learn about Islam. And hamdulillah you have, you know, the brothers and sisters here and other you know, so we have had a lot, you know, okay, well, there's so many people that can be that can be approached, you know, for information about Islam, there are many people here that have accepted Islam, and will be able to really, you know, from that perspective, really give Dawa to this person, okay. And once you have gone through that process, and you have given the message

01:16:15 --> 01:16:52

and you have explained it, if you start to realize and you and you are certain that this person has no intention of accepting Islam at this time, then my advice to you is to move on, and to spare yourself to spare yourself the possible heartbreak of the future. Okay, as you see it, the mutual attraction, which is obviously I mean, it's natural, it's, it's not something that that's why it's easy to get married, because men and women are attracted to one another. But I would advise you that if you can't, if you can't take this forward, if there's no way that you can get married, if he's not going to become a Muslim, then it is better that time to break it off. As you know, to move on

01:16:52 --> 01:17:15

each Allahu taala is going to be difficult. I mean, even if you broke it off, now it would be difficult, but you need to know where you stand. And he needs to know where you stand. And if there's no way of moving forward that you should break it off. As you know, which Allah May Allah grant you happiness in this life added the oxygen inshallah and for all of all of us, and I will be very happy with the Range Rover Evoque

01:17:17 --> 01:17:31

that will cause me great happiness in this life. And I will use it to earn rewarded the Acura, I will use it to drive to my classes. Right? So don't think it'll only be used for the dolia Yes, any other questions

01:17:51 --> 01:17:53

and activity and

01:17:57 --> 01:17:57


01:18:08 --> 01:18:51

Okay. Like I said before falling in love is is a natural phenomenon. Okay, men and women have been created with this, this innate attraction for one another. That's that's what goes without saying that's going to happen. It's what you do about it. That obviously, is what you know, we need to talk about so my guideline to you is that if you are attracted or somebody is attracted to a woman or a woman is attracted to a man, and the first thing that was that should go through your mind at that time, is marriage. Okay? It should not be a long protracted, you know, sort of process where you want to get to know the person for six months and then go out with the person you know, for a few

01:18:51 --> 01:19:09

more like in South Africa, the norm is you don't you? It's almost unheard of, for people just to beat one another and they decide to get married. The average is two years of dating. And when I say dating, I mean they do everything that they would have done if they got married anyway. Because you get out

01:19:10 --> 01:19:50

you know, Xena isn't really frowned upon, like it would be perhaps in another country. Even now having a child out of wedlock in the Muslim community in my city in Cape Town. It's not really a big thing. Okay. So my advice to you is if you are attracted to someone, then make inquiries about that person with the intention of getting married, okay. Because once you find out that the person is interested in marriage or not, then at least even though you are attracted, you are infatuated or perhaps in love with this person. You spare yourself the you know, the heartbreak that will come later of the developing a relationship with this person, whether online or in person or both. And

01:19:51 --> 01:19:54

growing closer, believing that the person is going to marry you or

01:19:55 --> 01:20:00

this is going to end the marriage and then only for this person to say I don't love

01:20:00 --> 01:20:07

Have you any more I'm moving on now, I've got a, you know, I found someone else. Okay, which is another phenomenon that I'm too familiar with.

01:20:09 --> 01:20:30

So my advice to you is that if this does happen, if you do feel this way, then make, you know, make that inquiry, the first thing that you do that you understand, the person understands that you are only in this to get married. It's not It's not about anything else, so that you can see the level of his commitment, especially if you have a system because, you know, brothers grow up.

01:20:32 --> 01:21:11

I don't know if it's like that in Malaysia. But with this perception that you know, it's it's, it's, it's manly, and it boosts your ego, that, you know, you have many women that are attracted to you, or you've had many girlfriends and, and so on and so forth. At least that's, that's the culture in my city. Okay, that's how your manhood is, is judged. And so it's easy for beta obviously encouraged to dump women to dump a woman and then move on. Okay, so you need to be very clear with him. And he needs to be very clear with you. And if you do that, in sha Allah, it should somehow save us. Some of the pain to people want to get married, but they're from different races and refusal from parents

01:21:11 --> 01:21:24

and society is stopping them. What should they do? They should run away. No, I didn't say that stuff below. Just kidding. I'm only kidding. I disclaimer, that was a joke. That was a joke. I apologize.

01:21:26 --> 01:21:40

I'll tell you a story. And the reason why I made that comment is based on a true life story, something that happened to one of my friends. He's from Israel, from Cape Town. He's like me, also, you know, Cape Malay, and the woman he wanted to get married to was Indian.

01:21:41 --> 01:22:26

And she was also from a wealthy family. And her family refused. When they found out that she wanted to get married to a cape Malay, they, they like, no, there's no way a father actually said that. Johanna will freeze over before I very used to him. Okay, I think that's a very that's a very blasphemous statement. But that is how serious he was about not marrying his daughter to my friend. Anyway, they obviously were in love. And they ran away. Now before they ran away, I was telling you the story that what was happening was I had a desktop computer in my in my room. And my this friend of mine did it. So every night he would come with his flash drive, and he put it in and he would

01:22:26 --> 01:23:08

read these articles that he had downloaded from the internet. That's how long ago I studied in Medina. We didn't have internet, you know, at the University, where to go to internet cafes. But anyway, so he was reading all these articles and the the focus of the article was, is it permissible for a Muslim woman to marry without the permission of her guardian? That was the focus of his research. He was doing intensive research on the issue. Can a Muslim woman get married without her Mahara without one without a guardian? Anyway, so what he did was he arranged that this this this woman, meet him in another city, and he met the they then they flew to Egypt, and they got married

01:23:08 --> 01:23:52

in Egypt. And remember her family so that she, they did they thought she had had a way. Okay, and so she got kidnapped or something. So they spent the next six weeks flying around the world looking for her. They came to Medina, they went to Johannesburg, they went to Cairo. And for some reason they couldn't find her until she contacted them. But that time they were married, or at least according to his definition of that they were married. And by that time, the parents had to basically they had to give in and say now why am I Why am I not sharing this story with you? Because I agree with it. I totally disagreed with it there. And I still disagree with it now. Okay, absolutely unacceptable to

01:23:52 --> 01:24:11

do that. For a number of reasons. Number one, because his understanding is flawed. Just because we say that the Hanafi madhhab that the Wali is not needed, it does not mean that the Wali doesn't have a say, okay, that's the Hanafi madhhab in the Wally's day and there is absolutely no you know, sort of

01:24:13 --> 01:24:33

like you know, sometimes the wall he has a stupid reason, like one of my friends went to propose this is also one of those interracial marriages. My friends also capable a way to an Indian family to propose and so the grandfather said to him, bye, bye. You don't have the nose.

01:24:36 --> 01:24:40

Well, ah, he I can do that. But anyway, so I have some experience with this issue.

01:24:41 --> 01:24:59

The point I want to make here is that he did that and it caused a huge problem. So I'm giving you this as a as a as a as a warning. Okay, if you want to get married and your parents are not agree, the last thing you should be thinking about is eloping.

01:25:00 --> 01:25:13

finding some fatwa and some loose tea or some share host out there is going to tell you that you don't need your parents permission, because you will be married and you because you are in love. And like I said earlier, once that euphoria is gone,

01:25:14 --> 01:25:18

then you will want to go back to your family. But then you burned that bridge.

01:25:22 --> 01:25:23

That's the reality.

01:25:24 --> 01:25:27

And it will take years to rebuild, it will llahi years.

01:25:29 --> 01:26:11

Especially when your parents had when your parents had legitimate reasons for not wanting to if the if they use race, that's unacceptable. Okay, well, I I'll be honest with you, I will even volunteer my services, if any of you has a parent, or parents who don't want you to get married solely, because the person that you want to get married to is from a different race, I volunteer my services, I will come to your home, and I will sit with your parents and talk to them. Okay, but will I promise me that you are not going to run away, because that is going to break your home and your relationship more than you wanted to get married, don't do something, how long to do something

01:26:11 --> 01:26:49

which is sooner. Okay? Don't break your your parents hearts and your relationship with them. Because you want to practice the sooner don't destroy that. Okay, there are other ways of doing this, the other ways of convincing them. And if push comes to shove, if that doesn't work, then we look at other options. And if you know you might want to move on with it, you know, because you don't want to live like that. Even though you want to be with this person. You don't also want to give up your family for that. And that's a consideration that many people are not willing to make while they are in love. This is all about that person. That person is the most important person, isn't it? So I

01:26:49 --> 01:26:58

will die for you. I will sleep on this street for you. That's what people say when they are in love. But after two or three, two weeks of marriage.

01:27:00 --> 01:27:03

I didn't know that she she looked like that when she woke up.

01:27:04 --> 01:27:06

Yeah, isn't it?

01:27:09 --> 01:27:34

This be honest, let's be honest. I didn't know. I didn't know that. You know, he looked like that when he woke up or it could go either way. And then you start seeing other things, character flaws. The fact that the there No, because we want to get married, will be interested in someone is like the peacock. You know? Like, is he showing off the he mates? Does he show her his feathers again?

01:27:36 --> 01:27:42

Let's be honest, the peacock is a simple example. Before he wants to make what does he do?

01:27:43 --> 01:27:56

He raises that beautiful plume of feathers. And he sort of you know, shows it to her. And then she agrees and then they make does he show it to her again. We've been married women are the same

01:27:57 --> 01:28:10

before you get married. And at the beginning, it's all makeup and good clothes and you iron your clothes and you brush your teeth and you know, and you should you shine your shoes. And after marriage. These things thought you know,

01:28:11 --> 01:28:32

like they just go down. It shouldn't be like that was not the sooner the Prophet would brush his teeth before going home, you would always make sure that he was looking good. If abus used to be asked why do you Why do you look so good, you know, you're always looking like you know, like, like, neat and tidy. And hence, he said because I would like my wife to do the same for me. Look at that thinking.

01:28:34 --> 01:28:40

If I take care of myself, my wife will be guided to take care of herself. But if I let myself go

01:28:41 --> 01:28:59

you see most men you know like you know the joke brother I don't watch a lot man you just eating ul right and they wanted a point that they forget the guy stomach. Right? That's what they point that and then you a man wants his wife to look you know, like fit said and then you know what's the other word?

01:29:00 --> 01:29:11

And syllable or whatever, but he doesn't care. He's on the way to the gym. He's not doing anything he's eating, you know, nothing. I have like four times a day, you know, and just ballooning. And he doesn't care.

01:29:13 --> 01:29:15

Because he's married now you know how last you know, we

01:29:17 --> 01:29:23

love his God. And now we just stuck in love. Okay, stuck in love. But

01:29:24 --> 01:29:39

to answer this question, don't try to convince your parents, okay, if you need me or someone else to go and meet with them, that also be good, because obviously race is not is not an Islamic consideration. And while I can be honest with you, in my experience,

01:29:40 --> 01:30:00

that interracial marriages sometimes work out better than marriages with between people from the same race or culture. Okay, I've lived in four countries. And I've seen this many times. When I was in my data, most of my friends you know, white Canadian, married to a Somali you know, white American man

01:30:00 --> 01:30:31

Ready to sue daddy? and so on and so forth. Right? And they are they still married, they have children they happy, you know, and even though people said how can you have so many differences, you know, different cultures and, you know, you, you know, you have a Western culture and she's got an Arab culture and, and, and Hamdulillah, they they made it work because they got married for the sake of Allah. And maybe that's what I should leave you on. If you get married for the sake of Allah, you can, you can work through anything. And none of these things should matter. But if you get married for other reasons, it's going to be difficult to deal with any of them.

01:30:32 --> 01:30:36

So I leave you with that. I think it's time to go. Now. Another question. Yeah.

01:30:38 --> 01:30:40

I'm just kidding. Go for it. What's the question of

01:30:44 --> 01:30:54

whose phone is that? We should we should we should implement alkota rules. Right? Is that a is that is that a note for?

01:30:57 --> 01:30:59

It's a note for I wanted Vidya Yes.

01:31:06 --> 01:31:08

1717 requests,

01:31:09 --> 01:31:13

and throughout the country, and he rejected because there

01:31:14 --> 01:31:24

is a problem with the cursor. Oh, it's like, it's a problem with the person. I have a friend who has who has gone to see a proposal gone to see

01:31:25 --> 01:31:27

more than 2020 women.

01:31:29 --> 01:31:33

And I told him what law what you're looking for, you're only going to find in gender.

01:31:35 --> 01:31:41

That is a lie. I mean, when he describes this woman to be, I can only think of the whole denied.

01:31:42 --> 01:31:52

Okay, because I don't know where he's gonna find this system. But he's gone to see, you know, so many women. And he's not like, he's not satisfied.

01:31:53 --> 01:32:24

And so handle, I'll tell you a story about one of my relatives, you know, he was what we would, you know, he was like a ladies man, before he started practicing. And, you know, every month he would have a new girlfriend, and we were as the younger, you know, sort of cousins, we were like, wow, you know, this guy. Right? Obviously, now we know better, you know, because we studied. Now, I wouldn't even you know, think about things like that. But when he when he got married, the woman he got married to was nothing at all, like the girlfriends he had.

01:32:25 --> 01:32:28

And she was married before and she had a son.

01:32:29 --> 01:32:41

Okay. And I remember my father would tell him, I won't say his name. My father would say to me, oh, so and so. You know, when are you getting married? And he would go, yeah, you know, you can't be happy forever.

01:32:42 --> 01:33:00

And then he got married to, to a person that we never expected him to get married to. Why? Because that was the person he felt was going to be. That was the person who's been looking for the entire time. The person that they know, he just clicked with. So I don't know this brother or

01:33:01 --> 01:33:25

this person. You need to you need to ask yourself another question more than more than anything else. I'm not saying there's something wrong with the brother. I mean, marriage is a choice. Okay, the person I mean, you're not you're not obligated to get married. Okay, you see, you, you, you ask around, you meet different people, and then you make a decision. But what this person needs to do is he needs to, he needs to ask himself, what is the most what are the most important things?

01:33:27 --> 01:33:46

What are the most important characteristics that he needs to that he needs to find? Because looking like that, you know, I have a friend, he's 36 years old, and he's still not married because of this. Okay, because he's idea of a wife. I don't know, man. It's like, what is not the quick say, it's like he wants to get married to Cindy Crawford with a job. Okay.

01:33:47 --> 01:34:26

But not too quick. See some brothers, you know, they're never gonna get married because they want to get married to a supermodel in a job. Okay, and that's a that's a huge problem. You need to ask yourself as a Muslim man, of course, you want to be attracted to your wife, you want it to be attractive. That's that that Islamic adage is that but some guys, they give you my favorite example. She must be beautiful. She must be tall, she must have black hair, she must be lighter complexion, she must at least have a bachelor's degree. She must be between the ages of 20 and 25. And she must be from a family that's middle class to upper middle class. She must be able to drive She must be

01:34:26 --> 01:34:59

able to cook and clean. She's from upper middle class as you can cook and clean. I don't know. There are that you see is some of these things are contradictory. Now also, because if she grew up in a wealthy home, it's very likely that she's never had to do any of these things herself. So you look I mean, how are you gonna find this? It's it. That's why you can't find this woman. So you'll find this girl. She'll be beautiful. She will have, you know, a master's degree. And this is someone who went to see recently, okay, she's, she's 23 or 24, etc, etc. But because she's from a wealthy family, she doesn't cook and clean and she actually doesn't have

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driver's license, he can't drive.

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So he said no. And then he moved on. And so what I'm saying is, make a list of five things that you won't compromise on. And if you happen to find the other I don't know how many things on that list. That's, that's good. But these are the five most important things you need to be looking for. Okay, yeah. So I don't know if that means sometimes.

01:35:23 --> 01:35:30

I don't. I know you said it someone else but I speaking to him as he's the questioner.

01:35:34 --> 01:36:13

Bar coffee cup. So we'll end with that. I hope to see all of you again in sha Allah, Allah as Allah gathered us all here today. We ask him to gather us again, under the shade of his hours of the day of judgment. Desert Kabbalah head on, I hope to see all of you next week at the marriage conference. We we will have an exciting lineup in sha Allah huhtala of speakers. to see all of you there. If you haven't bought your tickets, you can buy it now. If you buy it from me It's 199 but if you buy from any of the marriage, QA volunteers, it's 149 Okay, because my Range Rover Evoque is not going to buy itself. Like Baraka love eco said our la cuchara de la wabarakatuh

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