Social Media – How to Stop Being Jealous #2

Sarah Sultan

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The hosts of a show called double take discuss the concept of jealousy and how it can affect our feelings. They explain how jealousy can lead to disconnect from social media and sad sadness, and how negative words can be used to describe feelings. The speakers stress the importance of finding the perfect balance between happiness and entrepreneurship, practicing gratitude practices, and focusing on one's own success to build one's success. They also mention a book called "Returns," which encourages gratitude and mindful practices.

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Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah. Jealousy can be psychologically and spiritually devastating if it goes unchecked. But that doesn't have to be the case. How can we detect jealousy before the damage is done? What role does social media play in worsening these feelings? And how can we remove jealousy from our hearts and protect ourselves from feeling good again?

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Welcome to another episode of doubletake, a podcast by European Institute about the questions and ideas around Islam and Muslims that give us pause. If you haven't already done so. Please subscribe to the show on Apple podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, or wherever you get your favorite podcast. If you like what you hear or want to share some feedback, you can let us know directly using the link in the show notes. This episode is the second of a two part series with sister Sarah Sultan and sister nazwa. Our co authors of the European Institute paper, why is everyone's life better than mine? Protecting yourself from the dangers of comparison. In part one, we talked about what jealousy is

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what causes it, and its psychological and spiritual harms. You can check out the episode before or after you listen to this one. Enjoy the conversation. sister Sarah and sister Nashua Salam Alikum Thank you very much for rejoining. We did a fantastic job in explaining how cognitive distortion of disqualifying positives can fuel our feelings of jealousy. Essentially, it causes us to view ourselves Allah subhanaw taala and the world in a way that diminishes the good and highlights the bed.

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Am I right on that? Yeah, absolutely. Good summary. Mashallah, if jealousy is so common, I think it's fair to say that we've all experienced it, even if we didn't notice. Do you have any advice on detecting jealousy within ourselves? What does it look like? How do I know that I'm actually feeling jealous. Now something that I like to work with, with a lot of my clients, whether they have jealousy or not, is kind of like a burst a personal barometer.

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And, and checking in with yourself throughout the day. So like, say zero is like, no stress at all, and 10 is the worst you can possibly feel.

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And especially when like scrolling on social media, being aware of that barometer, because, you know, it's so easy to kind of just scroll, and it's just like really mindless consumption.

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But in the background, sometimes we don't realize that, you know, we're starting to have these difficult feelings, you know, I should be working out more or I should be, I should be reading more, I should be doing this, I should be doing that. And so being aware of those feelings as they creep up, and when it becomes like a, an everyday kind of practice routine, it's very easy for you to be like, oh, you know what, like, I feel like I'm going up on a three or four. What's causing me stress right now? And then how can I really reel it back in social media is supposed to be a very enjoyable experience, right? Like you connect with, with family, with friends, you check up on people, but

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when it's starting to cause discomfort, or you find yourself not being able to pull away,

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or you're kind of like really picking on someone because like, you know, in real life, you can't stare at somebody too much. Right? You can

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cause problems or you can't ask similar questions. But on social media, it's kind of like Farragut, you know, people will look at profiles over and over. And so when you find yourself having that, like, repetitive behavior or something that, you know, if an outsider was looking in, wouldn't be socially appropriate, those are all warning signs that you know, perhaps, jealousies kicking in, and maybe the consumption of social medias is not being healthy anymore. And I you know, I love that barometer idea. It's a little similar to something that that I often do for myself and, and for my, for my clients is like, it's kind of an emotional check in, before and after. So before you go on to

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social media, and after you've been on, right, like, a lot of times, if you are scrolling endlessly, like you leave with this kind of sick pit in your stomach that number one you wasted all this time. And number two, how did everything that you saw that you were looking at, and judging yourself through? How did that make you feel, but then also, not just social media, but the people that you spend time with? So when you are with a particular group of friends, or with a particular person, before and after? How do you feel when you're in this person's company? How do you feel about yourself after you've left this person's company or this group of people, because you know,

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socially, we are almost taught that it's not acceptable to be vulnerable with each other. So everybody puts on kind of this front like this facade to try and look the best they can in front of people. And finding that tight knit group of people where you can trust each other enough to be vulnerable. is so powerful.

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Making you feel okay, in making you feel okay about your life. And in an in just feeling feeling good, about about what Allah Subhana Allah has given you and what Allah Samantha has given them, because you see that it's not perfect because they were vulnerable enough to say that. So paying attention that emotional barometer like, like Matt was saying, I think is really important.

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And just to add to that something interesting, you know, with COVID, and all of us being at home more, and probably having more online consumption, you know, sar brings up a good point, research has found that when people are connected to other people on social media, they are less likely to take the time to check up on them or to speak with them in person, because you're already getting like these updates. But what we're missing is when we're in person, you're getting a more authentic and fuller version of that person. Because on social media, people just put, like, all the positive highlights all the good things and accomplishments, but when you're in real life, with most people,

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you there's, there's certainly people that you know, there's a facade, but when you're with your friends, you get that fuller picture where it's like, oh, you know, like, I'm struggling getting to, with my kids, or, yeah, you know, we were hit hard with COVID the other week, and, and so you see that, you know, you see people in a fuller light. And that's something that we're missing, because a lot of our communication, a lot of our interactions has been artificial. It's really through through social media, and that really distorts reality. Absolutely, I always say that you can have 1000s of people at your fingertips with social media and feel so lonely. And I think it's such a such a

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strange thing for our times, that we feel like we're more connected, because that's what social media is supposed to do. But actually, we're more disconnected. Because, you know, we only get little tidbits of of people and we don't get to know them beyond a superficial level. And so it can feel really, really lonely. You know, it's feeling like doubletake has, has a vendetta against social media because like literally every episode, somehow it the solution is cut social media, like when we're talking about Quran and connecting with the Quran cut social media, it's Yeah, okay.

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The more I think about the solutions for jealousy, the more I think of a hadith of the process, like normally the processor limb, when someone would come to him and ask for advice, he would, he would give them advice specific to that person, because he would know their condition. So he would tell someone, you know, don't get angry letter, he would tell someone else, someone would come to him and say, also the LA City Council. And he would say, for example,

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be good to your spouse, or someone else prior to hazard. But there was a particular moment where the processor actually proactively went to everyone. And he said, who is going to take this piece of advice from me and act upon them? It's a famous Hadith where Abu Huraira describes it and Abu Hurayrah said, Yes, I'll take the advice. Just give it to me. The Prophet SAW Selim took Abu Huraira his hand and gave him five pieces of advice, and two of which I feel,

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addressed the topic of jealousy and I'd love your thoughts on and he said sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.

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It tackled Muharram Tokunaga that needs to be the best worship of Allah be conscious of your evil actions fine. But then he said Salam Wallaby Marchesa Allahu Leck tekun Elfman has to be the wealthiest person in this life.

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Be content with what Allah has given you. And so there's a direct correlation with feeling that sense of gratitude

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and you're feeling the wealthiest you know of people and then the processor limb said, and I'll finish the third one instead of continuing the third one, the processor limb said, what I believe in this camera too humble enough sick, that can Muslimah a defined Sansa lamp that to be a true Muslim and to be counted amongst the Muslims, you have to love for others, what you love for yourself.

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Now the two big claims being feeling that sense of contentment, being happy with what Allah has given you, and loving for others what you love for yourself their advice from the process alum. But to be honest, the more I hear you guys talk about this concept of jealousy, the more I feel like yes, I want to do these things and love for others what I love for myself, and I want to be more content with my life. But the more I hear this topic, the more I feel like it's actually there's something much deeper going on. So with that said, Can you help me

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out

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understand how I can address jealousy in my heart. And in my life.

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There's a lot of different strategies in coping with, with jealousy. And I would say one of the first places to start, we talked a lot about self esteem in the first episode. You know, we know that self esteem can lead to jealousy, it's kind of like the gasoline with the fire.

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And so, when we, when when someone has low self esteem, again, they look at everything that people have better things than them. But do looking inward and starting to focus on what are my strengths? What are good traits that I have? What are some

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good things about me, you know, ultimately, Allah put me here for a purpose. He put me here for a purpose to worship Him. But He created me and I have a purpose in this world. And so you know, maybe this person on social media, their purposes, I don't know, to have a lot of wealth and donate, maybe this person is a very good teacher, Why did Allah put me here, you know, towards him? But what positive traits do I have? How can I further his cause, what good things have been given to me. So looking at the positive things a person has, because it will never be like somebody else, you will never have two identical people with the same trajectory ever. And so knowing that, like you are

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special, like you were created in a certain way, with certain unique characteristics, and nobody else can fulfill what you are meant to fill. So identifying those positive characteristics. And then we all have weaknesses. And I know it kind of sounds like counterintuitive, why why would you even bring up weaknesses in this

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in this discussion, but sometimes highlighting, you know, things that you would like to get better on not looking at them with shame, or that, you know, these are beating yourself up, beating yourself about something saying, these are things that I really don't like, but you know, taking things that you would like to work on, but turning them into goals. When you turn them into goals, now you're creating, you're creating action items. And we know that one of the ways to help self esteem is to have a sense of mastery over something to have, you know, sometimes when we have obstacles, it deters us, but when we have obstacles, and then we decide to go and overcome them,

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that actually helps with self esteem. So Oh, I did it, you know, like, I didn't think I could do it. Or this thing that I wasn't really good at before. Now I'm doing better in it.

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So taking those things, you know, say for example, like you're spending a lot of time on social media, and

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you're really struggling with all these happy couples, right? You can turn that into a goal you can I'm not completely satisfied in my marriage right now. How can I make it better? Not like, oh, you know, I feel so bad. Like, my marriage is awful. My husband is the worst. But how can I make it better? So now you're starting to work towards something, something good. And then you know, having a positive mindset, you know, using affirmations like inshallah I can do it, you know, with the power of DA and my hard work, I can do it, I have the same amount of time as anybody else has.

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I can turn things around. Because when we have that mindset, we know that whatever you practice, becomes easier. If you practice jealousy and you practice things that are not good for you, those things become easier and easier because of those neural pathways. We talked about episode one, but when we practice good, and Eve those habits, the more we practice them, the easier the easier they become. So you know, starting out with self esteem is is a great way to, to help overcome jealousy. Such such beautiful advice, mashallah, I love that it's like medical, you just gave like a step by step process to figure out this really, really painful and difficult emotion. And when you were

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talking, I was like, Okay, the question that popped into my head was, instead of why me, right, because a lot of times jealousy comes from that place of like, Why me? Why not them? Or why did she get it and not me? So why not me, right? And instead of that, like, just like what you were saying, instead focus on what now? Right? So like, there's this concept, one of the antidotes to jealousy is number one acceptance, right? Accept the fact that your life is not going to be perfect, except the fact that people will be better at certain things than you will be that somebody might be more beautiful than you that somebody might be capable of something that you might not be capable of, or

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not as capable of. And that's okay. Right? Because like Mitch was saying, Allah subhanaw taala has given you your own particular strengths. And maybe maybe you're judging your strengths and your attributes based on the ideal that you want of another person's life. But that's not that's not the way I was passed that created you and that's not the life he gave you. He gave you your own life.

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With its own focus with its own strengths and with his own capabilities, and one of the rewards of this kind of acceptance, right? You get this sense of contentment. And when Allah Transmeta talks about contentment, he talks about an Epson ultimate aim now, right like the satisfied soul, the soul that is content, and the result of that contentment is contentment in this life and contentment in the next life, we're Allah's pathauto will be pleased with you, and you will be pleased with Allah because of the reward that he's giving you. Right? So that acceptance leads to that contentment, and it leaves space. Because think about how much energy are we exerting in jealousy? How much energy

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are we wasting in wishing that our lives were different? Instead, channel that energy towards something proactive, right? Like, how can I take a step to one step today, that will make my life better than it is right now? Right? What is one small thing that I can do? So that tomorrow, I feel a little bit better in one year from now there's a positive change, right? Something within your control something actionable, that can inshallah lead to that change? So instead of that, why me? Instead, it's what now? Right? What can I do differently? You know, some things that are that you said, that reminded me of

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a book I was listening to, you know, by biker visual, he was saying that, you know, with with social media, you're kind of just consuming everything, right? Even things that you're not interested in. And he said, You know, it's important to make a conscientious decision of the things that you want to commit to and the things you don't want to so for example, so you're scrolling through social media, and you see somebody with like, six pack abs, right? He said, you know, at that point, you need to ask yourself, Is this something I even want? Because remember, like, this is kind of it's creating impressions in our brain? And if the answer is no, then it's not something that you seek

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after? Because, like you said, it takes emotional energy for you to be like, Oh, well, I wish I looked like that. I wish I know, I looked a certain kind of way. But he's like, Do you Do you want to workout in the gym three hours, four hours every day? Do you want to eat a certain kind of diet and not be able to eat other things? If that's the case, then let it go, like make a decision that you know, what is actually something I don't want, maybe it's nice for somebody else, it's not something I want, or he talked about, like wealth. You know, if you see someone with abundance of wealth, you know, everybody likes that. So he's like, you know, think about it, do you want to work

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80 hours in the office every week, do you want to, if you do, go ahead and do it, no problem. But if you don't, then almost like clear that energy out of your brain make a decision of like, have the love for this other person, I am actually content, I am satisfied with what I have. And so when we're bombarded with all these things that we should have, that we should buy, that we should be doing. And we decide, You know what, like, I'm happy with what I have.

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You're clearing up the space to first of all that negative energy that you're wasting, desiring things that you actually don't even really want in the first place. But then you also free up that time to be able to work on the things that you actually do want. You know, I also, like, I want to think of people as well, not just like us, but those who are much worse off than us.

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And normally, what I do to try to kind of make sense of something is, is put myself in other people's shoes. And if I look at someone who's on like, say, $2 a day,

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or $2 a month, for that matter,

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can does this advice apply to them. And one thing that I feel like is missing and it's I mean, we're gonna get to it anyway. But I want to kind of bring it to the fore now is that the great equalizer? Like this life is unjust. And this life, you know, you could never, you can never achieve everything and you can never get what the next person has because then the next person will have more like there's, you're just chasing after more and more.

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But the great equalizer is the ephemera.

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And at the end of the day, the hereafter is where there's the ultimate justice and ultimate contentment. So what puts me and someone on $2 a day on a level playing field or for that matter, a single mom who's struggling every single day and, you know, is is this concept of the ephemera. And back to what we were saying in part one of this episode.

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Two things one thing was the possessor limbs advice of Not, not looking at those who are better off but looking at those who are worse off because it's clear planar for the heart.

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But also

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the hereafter is where we're going to get the ultimate justice and just our she EFA in this life, is what Matt

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As it's not what we attain, it's just the amount of effort that we exert for Allah's pleasure that is actually

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leading to a better hereafter. So, you mind just talking because you mentioned it in your paper and, and I feel like we need to bring it to the fore this concept of the Acura Absolutely, just a fit for that beautiful reminder. Michela, you know, when, when you were speaking, the first thing that came into my mind, was the idea of how one of the guarantees of life and one of the promises of others turns out is that we're going to be tested. And that's the reality of life. And what a lot of times, we don't realize is that, if, you know, if we are going through something really difficult, right? Let's say somebody's going through a very hard divorce situation, right? Or difficulty finding a

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spouse, and it's something that I talk to my clients a lot about, that is in and of itself a test, right? But also keep in mind that like somebody who has a really wonderful marriage, or who is very wealthy, or who seems to, you know, everything just lines up in their life perfectly, right? That is also a test, it's a test of ease. And every so every person's particular circumstances are a test from Allah subhanaw taala. It's just that we look at the, the test of hardship, and that's what we focus on. And we wonder, why am I going through all this hardship, this person is not being tested by Allah, but that person is being tested by Allah subhanaw taala. And we don't know how we would

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fare in that test if we were in their shoes, right. And so that person who is very wealthy, every dollar they spend, they're going to be held to account in front of Allah Subhana Allah for that dollar, versus somebody who has $2 a month, they're going to be held to account in front of Allah subhanaw taala for how they spent that, but likely that $2 is being spent for survival there don't have to worry about about accountability for that, versus the person who is very wealthy. Right? So I think having that perspective of how each of these circumstances in my life or what I'm looking towards test, yeah, exactly. Exactly. Love it, that's awesome. Exactly.

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And knowing that everything we do accumulate in in this dunya ultimately is going to is going to perish like you said, you know, the equalizer of you know, first, when we die within the day of judgment where everything is sorted out. And so you know, in this culture that we have of just accumulating more and more and more, knowing that, that it's your good deeds are going to last, it's upon Allah when we take the time, if we spend as much time as as we are amassing these, these goods, and these things that other people have, whether we want them or not.

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And but taking that same amount of time and trying to accumulate good deeds.

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whether, you know, we're helping those who are less fortunate, or just even our own families, but those deeds are the ones that are going to last and, you know, speaking of the less fortunate, you know, they found that people who volunteer and help out people who have less than them.

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It helps with their own mental health, and we don't do it for our own mental health. But why is this because, you know, the prophesied said that it's better to look to people who have less than us, lest we, you know, discount Allah's favors. So we're kind of, we're putting ourselves in a situation where we're interacting with others, and we're helping, and it really does, really does provide that perspective of,

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of, not just, you know, accumulating, but just mindfulness being present, being aware of reality, not the fake stuff that we see on social media. But the reality that people don't have a lot, it really does make a big difference in terms of how we treat our families and just go about our day to day, when we see people who are struggling. Yeah, and it helps put everything in in terms of like the big picture, right? Where you're looking at things from a big picture lens, so that when you do scroll through social media, and you see somebody and you wonder, you know, wow, like not realizing they're using a filter or something like that, why can't I look like her? Why can't I look like him?

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Or whatever the thing the thought that arises is, instead you can ask yourself, but you know, like, in terms of the big picture, in terms of the reality of of life and the asset, will it matter if I do look like this person? Like in the Hereafter, right? Like, will that matter in the long run? That's a very hard thing to do in the moment, but because you have like this emotion that comes up, but but if you can, all of a sudden, it's almost like it snaps you out of it, where it's like, oh, actually, that doesn't that doesn't really matter. So why am I feeling upset about it? In the long run, that won't benefit me and that doesn't matter at all.

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So if I

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If I was to summarize,

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correct me if I'm wrong, so some of the some of the, I guess, strategies in order to address jealousy in my hand, my life. One is generally to have a positive mindset. So, you know, if you see something that you really want, ask yourself, do you actually really, really want it? And don't think of, okay, why is it absent in my life, and if it is absent in my life, to put like a positive spin on it, and and turn it into a positive action, you know, what can I do in my life to improve this particular aspect that I that I want. So one is the positive mindset, if I'm not mistaken. The other one is this concept of comparing. So comparing less, especially to those who are better off in

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this life, and I guess social media falls in that if I'm, again, if I'm not mistaken. And then the third one is

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the perspective, just focus on the FMRI and remember that every single person is facing a challenge in this life. And you might see something on social media that looks like something that you want, but know that that person is also being tested with that thing and other things as well. And that the great equalizer is the day of judgment in the hereafter.

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One thing that you guys mentioned. So first of all, have I have I captured that properly?

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That's very good. I, you know, I might add one thing, you know, when we are comparing ourselves looking to those who have less than us, but you know, another really good strategy is comparing yourself, you know, if you have to compare, you know, compared to those who might have less than you, but another strategy is focusing on comparing with yourself. So, you know, like, not even comparing yourself with other people. How are you compared to you? How, how are you compared to yourself, like, two years ago, or five years ago, because maybe, perhaps, you know, you looks like that, you're not getting as many things as you want, you're not progressing in a way that you would

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like, but if you look back, you know, you know, what, two years ago, I was in a really bad place, I have come such a long way, you know, and then you see your own growth. That's what's important. You know, five years ago, before, even that, like I was even in a worse situation, Hamdulillah, now I have this, I have these blessings that Allah has given me.

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Because I know people, people don't have the same trajectory. But also people reach milestones and different things at a different time. And so ultimately, what is important is just looking back at how far you have come and where you want to go, you know, and then when, when we talked about goals earlier, turning into a goal, okay? This is where I'm at now, Hamdulillah, like, Okay, what do I want of myself in two years, or five years,

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because nobody's life is going to be exactly like yours. And so focusing on on the own variables in your life, and how far you've come actually can be a really big way to combat low self esteem, but also protect you from jealousy. If there was one point that I would love to kind of emphasize, just before we wrap up, it's the concept of gratitude.

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My question is a very, very simple one, like, how do I

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become more grateful?

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What are the practical steps of becoming more grateful in my life, because, you know, for all the things that I can count that that's missing in my life, I can count a lot more, that are actually pretty decent. And I'm, you know, Hamdulillah

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I should be grateful for so what what are the techniques that I need in my life, to make me more grateful? Well, one of the most research proven techniques to improve mental health to help to alleviate depression, even anxiety. And then naturally to improve Gratitude is the technique of three gratitudes. And, and this is just the idea that every day, you list out in your mind, three specific things that you are grateful for, I find it most helpful to look for things that were specific to that day, because then you are scanning your environment for the good rather than scanning your environment for what's lacking. And then I would take it for jealousy, I would take

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that a step further. And I would say, choose your three gratitudes based on the jealousy struggle. So if you know that you're feeling a certain way towards somebody because of the amount of money that they have, or if you feel jealous, because of a person's marriage, right? These are the two examples we were kind of focusing in on or about their appearances. Let's say those three, then choose your three gratitudes based on those. So find three things in your own marriage that you're grateful for. Find three things that you have been able to purchase that you needed, that almost had data provided for you, even though you might not have that amount of wealth that the other person

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has. You have what you need in order to you know,

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to live your life,

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in terms of appearance, three things that you are grateful for, with regards to your body, what it's capable of something that you appreciate about your appearance. So three specific gratitudes can, that's, that's a technique that can that can definitely increase our ability to be grateful. Yeah, gratitude lists, like she said, are a very effective ways. You know, there's also something called a gratitude visit, which I hadn't heard before.

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But something that, when we were doing our research for this paper we stumbled upon, is that, you know, if you if there's a person in your life, that you're very grateful for writing a letter of appreciation, and actually reading it to that person

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increases gratitude, but also like a really, really good overall sense of being. But you know, that's not something you can do very often. So the general I think it's called general gratitude.

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You know, it could be at night or anytime day, another thing that you can kind of add into the mix, or like, what are three things you're looking forward to in the morning,

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you know, people who struggle with depression or even anxiety, sometimes it's so hard to get out of bed. And by the way, if you are on social media, that if the first thing you do when you wake up is go and go on social media, you're kind of setting yourself up for a pretty rough day, and jealousy and all kinds of other things. So instead of picking up your phone and scrolling on Facebook, Facebook or Instagram, starting off the day and saying, what are three things I'm looking forward to, there have to be big things sometimes people think they have to be like really doesn't, it could be like your morning coffee, it could be, you know, texting with your friend during lunchtime, it

00:31:41--> 00:31:43

could be anything small.

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Because it's really the small things that we're grateful for that add up. And like we've been talking about whatever you practice gets easier. So when you start to identify those little things every day that you feel grateful for.

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It's almost like the opposite of disclosing the positives, if we're going to come back full circle, like we started out by saying disqualifying the positives is overlooking all those blessings and just looking at the negatives, but you know, the antidote in terms of gratitude is starting to hone in on those things that you're really grateful for. And then and then practicing appreciation. And like Sarah said earlier, whatever, when we're grateful Allah gives us more.

00:32:23--> 00:33:00

And that can, that's a very good feeling. Yeah. And you know, as you're talking about that, I was thinking about how much gratitude is inherent in our worship as well right like that also saw salaam when he would wake up in the morning, the first thought that he would say is Alhamdulillah, the Ohana abandonment of methanol, we live in a short, right, where he's thinking all this kind of data for bringing him back, right from like, the small depth of of sleep. And so that at Hamdulillah, you think about the surah that we recite most frequently is that fair to have? It starts with at hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen, right? But it starts with thinking Allah, right? When that one of the dies,

00:33:00--> 00:33:33

the prophesy seldom used to really encourage us to do is a low my Miata, the critica, which chakra go has never had that trick. Like we're asking you to try that on one of the components. But there was was SLM in that diet asks Allah to increase him in is thankfulness. Right? So another gratitude practice that's very powerful is diet is asking ALLAH to increase us in gratitude, in our ability to thank him, and then thanking him for that ability to be able to be grateful because it is it's like this, this constant cycle, the more that you're able to be grateful, the better you feel, the more grateful you are to have this practice, and the more thankful you are to all those plans that are

00:33:33--> 00:33:56

for allowing you to be grateful. It's this beautiful cycle, like we talk a lot about the negative cycles, but there are beautiful positive cycles that we can, that we can nurture in ourselves as well in sha Allah, you know, and speaking of cycles, you know, one of the biggest antidotes to jealousy and this is really hard, especially from like an ego perspective is making up for the person that you're jealous.

00:33:58--> 00:34:04

Because, you know, when you make that first of course, right? Yes, yes, yes.

00:34:06--> 00:34:43

Yes, positive. Because, you know, one you know, we have we have our ego and sometimes it's like, it's very hard look like that sense of entitlement that we talked about, you know, it's like well, I Why don't I have this you know, I want to have this but once you're kind of putting your ego aside, they're like, You know what, like, Allah knows best May Allah bless them in whatever it is that they have. But the other part and I don't know have any like maybe sorry, you know, I don't have any like evidence for this. But you know, I feel like when you do this, she thought doesn't want you to make that for that person. And he lets go and you'll find that you're not actually jealous of that person

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in the same way that you were before. Because you know, that's where he tries to like be sneaky and get you in many different kinds of ways.

00:34:51--> 00:34:59

But now so you're making dot for the person the angels are making do out for you because when you make the offer somebody the angels make to offer you and it's almost kind of like defeated show

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thought like you're seeking the betterment of the person that was an object of your of your envy or your jealousy. So Paula and you know, Shavon hates it whenever we like engage in an act of worship, right? And so if you know, if you set your intention, like right now as you're listening to this, that whenever I feel a twinge of jealousy, I'm going to choose to make diet for that person that almost kind of increases them and goodness, I bet that Tom is going to decrease his like his whispering because he's not going to want you to do that active worship, he wants to take us further from Allah's pathauto. So if your feelings of jealousy can actually bring you closer to Allah, where

00:35:35--> 00:35:46

you are actually using it as a means of, of connecting with Allah through dot, then it's like that's it, the battle is done, right. So how Allah so that's a really powerful idea, mashallah

00:35:47--> 00:36:03

sisters, we're gonna get into the rapid fire in a few moments. But one final question on jealousy. You met my nine year old niece in episode one season one of double tech. So she's popping up again and asks you the following question.

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She says aunties, I'm feeling a little bit jealous from my cousins. And I don't know if that's a good thing, or a bad thing. Can you help me understand jealousy. And if it's going to be harmful for me, as I grow up,

00:36:24--> 00:36:32

I would tell your cousin that, you know, jealousy, it's very common, everyone experiences feelings of jealousy. And,

00:36:33--> 00:36:34

you know, however,

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you know, your cousin's might have some really good things in their life, but you have some really good things also. And in life, there's always going to be people who have more things or different kinds of things that we want. And that's okay. But what we want to do is what we want to focus on are on ourselves, and know that Allah created you. And for a purpose that nobody else can fulfill. You have positive attributes, you have positive things about you. And so by focusing on those unique traits that you have, it'll take your mind off of your cousins. And it'll help you focus on what are the things that you want, what are the goals that you would like to have over the next few years,

00:37:21--> 00:37:47

and then know at the end of the day, that ultimately, your good deeds is the only thing that's going to matter. All the things that you're going to accumulate as you get older and all the wonderful things coming your way in sha Allah are great and a really good reason to be grateful and always think a lot. But know at the end of the day, the only thing that's going to matter in terms of your actions is your good deeds. So just focus on those good deeds and they will carry you through inshallah

00:37:48--> 00:37:49

beautiful Mashallah.

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So I would, I would tell your, your nine year old niece, that every single person experiences jealousy and very, very frequently, and so it's nothing to feel badly about, it's what you do with that feeling that makes the difference in sha Allah, and that you have a superpower, you have the ability to choose your thoughts, you have the ability to choose what you focus on. And so if you know that doing certain things are is gonna make you focus on your cousin, and you know, the good, the good that she has, or her achievements or whatever it is,

00:38:27--> 00:39:09

then choose to think about something that you have in your own life. Think about, like some questions that you can think of are, what has Allah has given me, that has made me really special? What has allelopathic given me that I love so much? Right? What has Alysse pannacotta given me that I just couldn't live without? Right? Those are all gratitude questions. And then also asking yourself, you know, and it's sometimes it can be hard when you're nine to think about this, right? But it's a good time to start. But think about a year from now, will I still still be worried about this thing that my cousin has that I don't? Or will it not matter? Right? And then asking yourself?

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Will this matter? Once the day of judgment comes? And I'm standing in front of Allah? Will that matter? Right? And if you can walk yourself through these questions, then you know you you've used your superpower and you've you've decided what to focus on and what to think about and to choose better thoughts that will make you feel happier and chulmleigh just like a half sister Najwa and sister Sarah, we're going to change gears and jump into the rapid fire you guys are familiar with this part of the the episode. It'll be a little bit different this time because we've asked you all the off the shelf questions previously. So they're all new. They're all fresh questions.

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And you've only got five seconds to answer each one Bismillah.

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Number one, says the measure.

00:39:57--> 00:39:59

One thing you're grateful for

00:40:00--> 00:40:01

My family

00:40:03--> 00:40:06

easy. Oh, you're sure I am. So I thought I had to get it on

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Jeopardy. That's good. That's good. That was easy. What? What's the last book that you were reading? That's for me, right? Yep. So the last book I was reading was with my kids. We were reading Roald Dahl's the witches.

00:40:25--> 00:40:30

No, that's awesome. But the movie was so bad. But anyway, sorry. revealing too much.

00:40:31--> 00:41:10

That's a better measure. You've been in Baltimore, Washington for 15 years. What's the best thing about the people? Sorry, what's the best thing about the area that most people don't know? So it isn't anything more than five seconds, but I'm actually I was born and raised in the in the DMV area. But it came up to the Baltimore area about 15 years ago, but I would say my hometown is, is my favorite thing. Falls Church, Virginia. They have great food, they have amazing shopping and the people like the Muslim community, they're so amazing. But if you're gonna talk about Maryland, I would say the crabs is the big thing here.

00:41:12--> 00:41:27

And Sister Sara, you live in Texas, we we only watch in Sydney, we only know of Texas through kind of some some films. What's something that you would say to someone living in Sydney, that they're missing out on from Texas?

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I would say the cowboy boots, but they're quite uncomfortable. So you're not missing out on those. I'm actually originally from New York. So there's a different culture here. Mashallah. But I would definitely say like the restaurants are very well known in Texas. And one thing that I absolutely loved when I moved here was a southern hospitality, but has southern hospitality Absolutely. blew me away in terms of how polite and kind people were. Mashallah.

00:41:58--> 00:42:11

A question for you both. You guys have been on panels, you've written articles together, you've worked together? What's the next big project to come out of sister Sarah and sister Nash was mind?

00:42:13--> 00:42:19

Well, we are currently working on a parenting series together in shallow

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it's going to be good and we were going a certain way. Now, we think we're going to model after the trauma series, but we're really looking forward to getting out and semuc model for parenting and Shalva we're really excited. It's kind of like the prequel to the trauma series. So like, you know, trauma was about like, Okay, if you've been through something traumatic and it's impacted your relationship with Allah, Samantha, here's something else to consider. The Parenting series is like that sounds protect our kids from trauma. Inshallah. I find this sorted out the other way. I thought, you have kids, and then you explain what trauma is after that. So that would make sense.

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Kind of true.

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Sisters exactly like her for everything that you're doing. And you're covering topics that most people find difficult talking about, let alone putting pen to paper about so thank you so much. And thank you so much for writing the article. That's on the Pain Institute website. Why is everyone's life better than me? And that was the article that we use as inspiration for these two episodes was like a look at.

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This is great, just like Lafave