Trauma 02 I Should’ve Gotten Over It By Now

Bismillah salatu salam ala Rasulillah while he was talking to him and Willa, I'm about a cinematic Omar Abdullah about a tattoo. This is sort of salt. I'm here with European Institute. And I'm here to speak with you a little bit about one of the common thoughts that we might experience during difficult times in our lives, particularly surrounding grief. The thought that I want to talk to you about a little bit today is the idea that I should have gotten over it by now, or the idea that my Eman must not be strong enough, if I'm not over it yet. A lot of times, people describe grief as feeling like you're in the middle of an ocean, and in the middle of a storm, and finding the waves

just crashing over you constantly. And then whenever you try and bring your head up for a little bit of air to get a little bit of relief, a little bit of respite from the storm, another wave just crashes right over you and you feel like you're drowning again. And then even when you experience the calm that comes when you think that the storm has passed, suddenly, one thing will come up, and the waves start all over again, it can be any small trigger that will trigger a memory of a loss of a loved one that you might have lost of somebody who's hurt, you have a situation that you just don't really want to remember. And then the waves just start crashing over you again. And a lot of

times what we as human beings struggle with, and oftentimes we as Muslims struggle with is the idea that I've grieved long enough, I should have gotten over it by now. And also the idea that grief is not in line with accepting the decree of Allah subhanaw taala. And you might be making yourself feel guilty about this or other people in your life might be making you feel guilty about this, and you feel like it takes you even further away from ALLAH SubhanA data. So one thing that I want to mention with regards to this is the example of the Prophet Muhammad SAW Salam where when he lost his young son, Ibrahim, there's a hadith that narrates that he was weeping, right? And one of the

companions came. And he asked him about this, that, you know, I see that you're crying, and little suicide Salam responded that this is mercy. And he says that the eyes shed tears, and the heart grieves, but the tongue does not utter other than what's pleasing to ALLAH SubhanA data. And so we see that the greatest human being to ever walk the Earth, the person who was so beloved to Allah subhanaw taala, the one that we try to emulate in our daily lives, was in fact grieving. And that grief is not synonymous with weekI men. This is an idea that we kind of have to try and separate ourselves from to try and get closer to us Pat data, one of the thought processes that often happens

when we're struggling with grief. And that we, when we have these feelings of guilt surrounding the fact that we're experiencing sadness, or hurt or disappointment, is the idea that I must not have strong enough Amen, or I should be stronger, or I should have gotten over it by now. And what these are called our should statements. And should statements fall under the character, the category of cognitive distortions, and cognitive distortions are basically unhealthy thinking patterns that we sometimes fall into. And this can definitely happen with any type of traumatic experience or any type of loss that happens in our lives. And so one thing that's really important is for us to be

aware of what we're saying to ourselves, these, these should statements, because what they are, are standards that are unrealistic that we hold ourselves to, they're very rigid rules that we naturally struggle with. Because what happens is that when we hold ourselves to impossible standards, we start to believe that ALLAH SubhanA, Allah holds us to impossible standards. And if we can't fulfill the impossible, then why should we even try to fulfill the possible and that brings us then again, further away from Alice patata. So one thing to be aware of, is that there's a difference between healthy guilt right, when we have kind of passed a line with regards to what our personal values

are, and shame. So when we have healthy guilt, it'll be something like I'm really struggling right now, because I'm feeling so down. So I'm struggling with my prayers. And I'm feeling badly about that. But I know that I'll feel better even if I just try and do one today. And I know that's going to bring me closer to Alas, Pat data, what you're doing there is you're identifying the behavior that you're struggling with, and you're working to hold yourself accountable and fix it. That's healthy. But when we experience shame, that's where you say, I'm really struggling right now. And so I'm struggling with my prayers. I'm just a horrible person. And Allah's pancetta must hate me

because of the fact that I'm struggling with something so simple. And that then brings you further away from Allah Subhana Allah because you're not identifying the behavior, you're viewing the problem as you right. And if if the behavior is not the issue, and you are the issue, then how is that going to change and so that can also really eat away at you. So one tip that I want to

leave you with that you can practically work on with regards to trying to overcome the should statements is to number one, be aware of what they are, what are you saying to yourself. So whenever you hear the words should must, if only right, that's where you know that that's a thought that you can tweak a little bit. So you might say something like, I should have gotten over it by now like what we're talking about. And then the question you ask yourself is, okay, well, then what does it mean? If you don't get over it by now? And then you might tell yourself? Well, it means that my Eman is weak, and that I'm far away from Allah subhanaw taala. And then if that were true, then what

would it mean about you, then the thought that might go through your mind would be something like, well, then that means that all this past data hates me, when you go through that thought pattern, ask yourself is this a thought pattern that brings you closer to Allah subhanaw taala or further away, because if it's bringing you further away, then you know that this is something to address and to work on. Because the point of us having standards for ourselves in our lives is for us to become our best selves. And if those very standards are what's holding us back from becoming our best selves and are holding us back from getting closer to Allah subhanaw taala then it's time to change

those standards. You can read a lot more about this in the article that's being released in the clean series. Your Lord has not forsaken you where you can get a lot more tips and a lot more information on changing the should statements that might be plaguing you right now. Just Aquila and Anicet Amati comm