Are You Ready for Marriage
Channel: Sarah Sultan
File Size: 52.80MB
Welcome to today's webinar with Al Maghrib Institute. And for sisters sorrow Sudan, who is joining us in Sharla. In just a second, my name is stir Hafsa I am your host, and I'm just gonna give you guys a second. I know it takes a few to push out to YouTube and to Facebook and all the awesome places that you guys are coming in from. So, if you've joined into the webinar, please do set your salaams here in the chat and let us know where you're coming in from so that we can shout you out. It's been a bit of a bit a minute since we've done a proper webinar and hamdulillah so I hope that you guys are looking forward Inshallah, of course to today's topic. And of course this topic is
sponsored by McGraw Institute's latest some of your online class that's available at I'm at a Maghrib dot online title, the thick of love taught by our beloved shahadi this unit and contributed to heavily by a sister Sarah, who's joining us today. You may have seen the YouTube video and the comments and the and the clips that have prompted this topic for today. I know a lot of people have, it's piqued their interest. And this is something that we cover in depth in the thick of love course kind of the whole process of preparation for marriage, thinking about it getting to the state of being, you know, in a in a good spot, knowing yourself knowing the person that you're speaking to,
and then going through all the stages of a relationship, beginning, middle and end. So inshallah we're going to be covering the beginning that self prep part today and such as our inshallah will introduce it much more effectively than I am but I see that a few people are joining us here does that feel fair? Mohammed from Saudi Arabia I see you I see Adam from donja is that a city or a country because I feel like I that I have to brush up on my geography then I see businessman mashallah very consistent. Brother coming in from Nigeria, we've got
let's see who else we have. We have names, but we don't have places. So please do let us know where you're coming in from? And does that come Alicia for being with us? We love connecting with all of you live when we can online. And for those who are coming the recording does like a love affair, for catching it when you could and for being with us for today's webinar. We're excited to cover this topic. I know CSR has some really, really beneficial content is coming up in sha Allah and then you guys will get an opportunity to ask her some questions through the chat at the end of the session. So save your questions. They may be answered throughout the session itself and they will definitely
be answered in depth in the course that has prompted this topic. Once again Fick of love the in depth study in Chatelet taught at a Maghrib Institute animal group dot online. For those who are not familiar with this was his fissara I'll do a quick little intro so that you guys can familiarize yourself at the end of this session. I know you're gonna have so many questions about where to learn more from her and where to find out more about her inshallah. So this is this IRA is a licensed professional counselor. And her goal is to empower her clients through achieving healthier, more fulfilling lives and relationships while connecting them with a lot throughout that process. She's
obtained a master's degree in mental health counseling, and she's practiced therapy for over 10 years. She's also an instructor with Michigan University, and she's a huge contributor here at a McGraw Institute, and she's a fellow at Yaqeen Institute so mashallah she spreads herself then, but she makes us makes herself constantly available in the service of the Muslim community. And hamdullah we're honored to have her co teaching this class which she will leave and teaching us today for the topic. Are you ready for marriage? Sister stars without a cinematic and what I heard a lot, how are you doing today?
I sit down what I hope love and care to I'm doing well, I'm really happy to be here with all of you. And hamdulillah we're so happy to have you and to dive into today's topic because I think that's something that people have a lot of anxiety about nowadays, or Alhamdulillah I think people are thinking more about am I prepared? Am I in the right space? Can I be a good spouse? Can I make a success out of a marriage at this stage of my life? So it's a good thing, but I think it also leads to a lot of concerns and worries and things like that. So we look forward to addressing some of those Inshallah, in today's session, so I'm going to pass it over to you Inshallah, and I look
forward to asking your questions at the end.
What does that mean? Okay, I appreciate it up. So Miss Minella salatu salam ala Rasulillah Allahi wa sahbihi wa Manuela, and my bad SLR Monica, Monica de la Veta. Get to everyone just back from Lafayette for tuning in and for being here to discuss this really, really important topic. And I think it's one that a lot of people are really, you know, just thinking about trying to wrap their mind around. Because marriage is a very big decision. And and so people naturally want to figure out how do I know when I'm at the stage in life where I'm actually ready to take that step. So I wanted to start with a hadith a little soy sauce or lamb where he says, Whoever Allah provides with a
righteous wife, Allah has assisted him and half of his religion and let him fear Allah regarding the second half. Now the reason that I wanted to begin this with this hadith is you know, we've often heard the idea that marriage is half your deed marriage is half your religion, right? And so, even if marriage is half our deen, right, then there's still the other half that we need.
To take care of both pre and post marriage, and so it's very important to not forget the second path. But when we prepare for marriage, it then allows us to prepare for the whole of it, right where you have the half that's dedicated to this, this marriage, this action toward marriage. And then you also have the half that you are fearing Allah subhanaw taala with in regards to the second half. And so when you allow yourself to develop into your best self, which includes safeguarding your deen, it also allows you to choose the spouse who's going to help you along with the school inshallah. But the idea of choosing a spouse is not something we're going to be delving into today.
That's something that is covered, very heavily in fic of love in the in the actual course content.
So we're going to be talking more about personal readiness. So understanding as you're preparing for marriage, understanding yourself, and your readiness level, and what you need in order to be prepared to move forward with marriage. So the first thing I want to want to remind us of, is the importance of differentiating what is in our control versus what is not within our control. The prophets are sending in a very famous Hadith, he's talking to a bedwin, who comes to Him and He says, you know, he's asking about the idea of trust and Allah's past data. And this bedwin asked him, Look, I have this camel, should I tie her or should I just trust in Allah that she's not going
to she's not going to escape she's not gonna run away. Right? And the prophets, I love them advises her to tie your camel and trust in Allah. So that's what we tried to do in every facet of our lives, including in preparing for marriage is to tie your camel and to have trust in Allah Pattaya. So to develop yourself to do what you can what is within your hands and within your control, and to trust Allah data for all of it and for the rest of it. So developing your personal relationship with Allah subhanaw taala. When you are seeking marriage is essential, not only because it's going to promote a healthy marriage, it's going to place Baraka in your marriage. But it's also it also allows every
step you take to be a form of iboga, a form of worshipping illustrata because it allows you to do to pursue marriage for his sake, so that every single step along the way as you're developing yourself as you're exploring people, as you are thinking about marriage now becomes a source of getting good deeds, Inshallah, and that's the whole
when we are talking about the idea of focusing on what's in our control, and tying our tying our camel, one of the things to realize is what is not within your control. Right and realizing that calling on Allah's Pattana for support throughout the process is so essential because it can be a really intimidating process. It can be very anxiety provoking, there is so much uncertainty and there are so many unknown factors that we have to figure out. And Allah's passata reminds us in sort of Santa Clara, he says in the animal Meloetta Alamanda I know what you do not know right like almost Pattaya knows everything. He knows every circumstance, he knows what would happen. If you
married this particular person at this particular time what would have happened if you had married somebody else, he knows every single facet of what could possibly happen to us and what will inevitably happen happened to us. So we do our due diligence. And knowing that we can't know everything about this person, my mom always said that you don't know a person until you close that door behind you after you get married. Right like you don't know you don't truly know a person fully and even after that only Allah cantata truly knows what's in the hearts of people. So this is an ability that Allah subhanaw Rosada is the only one who has it he is alive and he is the All Knowing
that's not our responsibility. So we do our part and realize that that knowledge and ability is only with Allah subhana wa Tada. So you you tie your camel, and you realize things are not always going to be perfect and that's okay.
And so you know, that's the idea of praying is to Hara, asking for advice, getting to know the person in a halal way. You know, talking to family, having having your family interact with this person, right. So all of these different things. So I wanted to just mention that because I think it's an important piece in navigating some of the natural anxiety that comes with the marriage process and getting to know somebody for the sake of marriage. But what I really wanted to focus in on today is the thing the tie your camel portion, the tie your camel portion of becoming the right spouse, we are so focused on finding the right spouse that we often ignore becoming the right spouse
and that is so essential, no matter who you marry. If you are not ready for
Marriage, it can't be successful. And so getting to know yourself and getting to know your readiness level is so important, right. And so and the other portion of why this is so important to focus on, is when we face Allah subhanaw taala, on the Day of Judgment, we are going to be held to account for how we behaved with our spouse, whether we gave them their rights, how we dealt with issues, right, not about what they did, but about what we did. And so focusing on yourself, and what you need in order to show up in a healthy way in a marriage is essential for preparing for marriage. And so the one aspect that I wanted to cover today, and obviously in the in the full course of physical love,
there are a lot more aspects that are covered in terms of marriage readiness, and how to prepare for marriage mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. But the one aspect that I really wanted to focus in on today is, in order to be the right spouse, you have to have the right expectations, you have to have realistic expectations. And the reason why I wanted to focus on this is because this is a particular struggle that I see really often that that people tend to struggle with these days. It's the expectation that who you marry, needs to fulfill every single criteria and one wrong move, one wrong thing that they say, and this person gets canceled, this person is just no longer a good fit,
right? So one flaw is viewed as the end all be all. And that is going to be an expectation that is going to lead to failure in the marriage process. You can't if you're expecting perfection, you're never going to find yourself ready to get married because you're looking to marry a human being. And human beings are naturally imperfect. You know, like, for example, these days, one of the issues that tends to arise like in for men if they have negative misconceptions about women, right, if there's a negative misconception that all women are overly emotional, right, then when they're getting to know somebody for marriage, they're going to look for evidence to pinpoint that bias. And
for women, if they naturally have a mistrust, an attitude of mistrust toward men, or view men as misogynistic, they're going to look for evidence to support that idea of him looking down on her or that he's not worthy of her trust. So assessing your biases, and your expectations is going to be really, really essential. And it takes a level of self awareness in order to be able to do this. And so this understanding of what your expectations are, and then also to understand
where do unrealistic expectations stem from, psychologically they can stem from a lot of different things in our past in the, in the exposure that we have to media, social media, the overall the the kind of the framework of our friendship groups, and all of these different things, right. So there can be kind of expectations that develop from that. But one of the main sources of unrealistic expectations is shaper. And it's a trap of shaitan, where he fools us into thinking that nothing is good enough, other than an unreachable standard. So when you see the way that he convinced the Prophet Adam, Aeneas and him and his wife, to eat from a tree that ALLAH SubhanA forbade them from,
he told them, your Lord has forbidden this tree to you, only to prevent you from becoming angels or immortals, and he swore to them, I am truly your sincere advisor. So we learned a couple of things from this example. The first is be careful who you take your advice from, right? Because they're going to change the way that you think about things. And oftentimes, if it's not coming from a healthy place, it's going to change your thought process for the worst, it's going to result in unrealistic expectations. And then also look at the way that he convinced the Prophet Adam is Adam, is he convinced him by encouraging the one thing that he would want, which would be an eternal
ability to worship Allah, pancetta, in perfection, right in the way that angels are able to worship Allah s pathauto, that humans are not. And so this leading to this idea of unrealistic expectations as a trap of shaitan. Right that he tries to convince us that if you can't obtain perfection, then it's not even worth trying. And when we have these expectations that are impossible for ourselves or impossible for other people, you end up that you just stopped striving for what's possible. So when you're getting to know someone and you have an expectation of perfection, then as soon as they say
Do something that raises a question mark in your mind. Instead of asking them to elaborate, instead of having a healthy conversation about this, there's just this idea. Well, it's clear that this person isn't for me, it's clear that we're not a match, right? Because they said one thing that was off, they said one thing that made me feel uncomfortable. And as human beings, especially in this time, we don't know how to sit with discomfort, we don't know how to feel uncomfortable, we don't know how to address conflict in a healthy way. And so instead, you just give up on the entire thing. And that that's a trick of shape on and that can be something that prevents us from finding from
finding a spouse will be a good fit. Right? And so one of the ways to combat this, these unrealistic expectations is to understand what is your goal in marriage. Because allowing, having a goal allows you to really see the bigger picture rather than focusing in on an individual pixel. It allows you to ask the right questions. You know, when our overall goal as Muslims in marriage and every step that we take forward in life, is to gain closeness to Allah subhana data and to please Him through the choices that we make. And we make that intention for the sake of all those paths out it, it can help every step of the way. And when we're making the intention that this is to fulfill half of my
Deen to fulfill a sunnah as little holes, I sell them to encourage one another to our good toward goodness, it allows us to ask the questions that matter, rather than focusing in on the on the things that don't. So asking questions like Is this somebody who treats me with respect and makes me feel honored? Is this someone who values the same things that I do is this someone who prioritizes and fears Allah's patata in their religious practice and in the way that they interact with the people around them, because then they'll do the same for me. So rather than focusing in on all the small details that aren't as important and can lead to confusion, when we have an idea of our goals,
it can help us to manage those unrealistic expectations. Because it puts the, it puts the whole picture into into our perspective, rather than focusing on one small detail to make or break things. And I'm sorry that I keep doing this. I'm wearing my earplugs, so that my the noise of my kids doesn't come into the,
into the background. But the size, I haven't been able to change the size of them, and they're too big and they keep like they keep getting misplaced. I keep sticking them back. And so if you're wondering why I keep doing this, then you know, you know what's going on. And Hopson just messaged me that the struggle is real, it absolutely is. And the hijab makes it like move on top of it. So just so you just so you guys understand what's going on.
Okay, so now I want to delve into some particular misconceptions that people have about marriage that can lead to unrealistic expectations, so that we can address some of these misconceptions in Java. The first misconception and a really big one is if I get married, then I'll be happy.
And this is a huge misconception. And and this is a misconception that we have about all of our future goals, right? Like if I, once I get this job, once I graduate, once I get a promotion, once I lose this weight once I once I once I, I will be happy. And that is such a huge misconception, because happiness has very little to do with our circumstances. And it has a lot more to do with our mindset. Happiness has very little to do with what's happening externally. And it has a lot more to do with what is happening in internally. And it's so important that we that we realized that because we placed so much emphasis on finding the right spouse, but we rarely discussed the factor that is
just as important, actually even more important in a happy marriage, which is ourselves. So choosing the right person is not going to be sufficient to produce a healthy marriage, because you also have to be the right person, for your spouse and your marriage, you have to possess certain traits that are essential to make any relationship work. You have to be trustworthy, you have to have a capacity for empathy, you have to understand how to communicate in a healthy way, how to address conflict in a healthy way, working on your own emotional stability, in your fair mindedness. There's so much that we need to do for ourselves in order to show up to create a healthy marriage. And so your
happiness cannot be reliant on your spouse because no matter how wonderful your spouse is, they can't make you happy if you are unhappy, and we've all had that experience and we see this actually a beautiful example. In the story of Ismail Ali who sent him the the son of the Prophet Ibrahim Alayhi Salam. One time, the Prophet Ibrahim alayhi salam was visiting his son, he comes for a visit and he knocks on the door and a woman opens the door. And he says, You know I was I was
Think for a smiley Is he here? And she says, No, he's gone in search of our livelihood. You know, he's gone. He's gone to work, basically. And then he asked her about like, what? How's life? How's life? And she said, You know, it's miserable. We're living in misery. We have hardship. We're in destitution, and all the stuff that she's complaining about their food and their lunch, she's just complaining about everything. And so Ibrahim Ali said, I'm come then tells her, you know, when your husband returns, them, I said to him, and tell him to change the threshold of his gate or his house.
So when it's night, I said, I'm comes back. He asked, you know, you know, did anything? Did anybody visit you? Anything interesting happened? She said, Yes. You know, you know, somebody in somebody came an older man, and you described him, and, and it's nice, realizing this is his father. He said, What did he say? And so, you know, he says, I told him, We were living in hardship and poverty. And he said, to change the threshold of your gait. And he said, Well, this means that, that it was an order for me to divorce you. And so he divorced his work, then a little, you know, a lot of passes several years. And then he the granulites, that I'm comes for another visit there knocks on the
door, and a woman opens the door. And he says, you know, where is a slide? And she says, you know, he's gone to look for our sustenance, our livelihood, he's working. And he asked, you know, how's life? How's everything going? She said, I've handed in that we're prosperous, we're well off. We are well fed, we have food, we have drink, we are, we're happy, right? We're doing well. And and so then he says, When is it that is that, um, comes back, convey my sentence, convey my salutations, and tell him to keep for the threshold of the gate. So when it's it said, I'm comes back, he, he asked somebody visit you, she shares it and everything. He said, this was my father, and he told me to
keep you by my side.
Why I wanted to delve into this story is to show you that for these two women, their circumstances were the same. They're married to the same person, right, their livelihood is the same what they had was the same. So you know, when you when you look at the story,
and one viewed it through the lens of what do I have that makes me content? And the other one viewed it through? What am I lacking? And what don't I have that I wish I did. And that's where our mindset changes everything. Right? That there are going to be difficulties in every relationship in every circumstance in life. And if we look at what we have, then we look at it through a lens of contentment, and gratitude. And life just looks better, and marriage looks better. And the person you're married to looks better. But if you look at it through the lens of everything that's lacking, and especially if you tend to be on social media a lot, that will be your default. And it's actually
human default, it actually takes a lot of work to look at it through a more positive lens. But especially with social social media consumption, there's always this idea of, there's better out there that I could do better, I could have better. And if that is the mindset, then no matter who you are married to, it will never be good enough, which is why our own responsibility for our own happiness is essential to to pay attention to. Right and so So keeping that in mind that this misconception of when I get married, I'll be happy. That's going to lead to unrealistic expectations. That's something you need to work on yourself before you start preparing for marriage.
The next one is my dean will improve. If I get married, once I get married, my game is going to improve huge misconception as well, because the idea that marriage will make me a better Muslim like yes, you want to choose somebody who's going to encourage you to grow that you guys can grow together. But if you need to improve your personal identity, your personal worship of Allah cantata, do not depend on another person to do that for you. You need to work on yourself first and foremost. When you are struggling to wake up for fetch or to pray or five daily prayers, do not expect that somebody will magically be able to get you to do that. That's not realistic. That's something you
need to worry to work on for yourself. First and foremost. And the same goes for the person that you're looking to marry. Where if this person is struggling in some aspect of their of their Deen do not expect that they will no longer struggle once they're married to you do not marry potential if a person and when I say potential, I don't mean somebody who's like, you know, they're they're still advancing in their career. They're still in school, there's still that's not potential. That's not what I mean by that. That's somebody who's working hard toward their goals. What I mean is if somebody has it within their capability to create a change right now and they are not creating that
change, then do not expect them to create that change after you get married. If a person who has full capable
In health is able to get up and pray their five prayers, and they're not doing it now, then don't expect them to do it later and be okay with the fact that they're not doing it if you're choosing to marry them, right. So that's something to definitely keep in mind. Because otherwise you're going into marriage with an unrealistic
an unrealistic expectation of either this person will change me or I will change this person, it doesn't work that way.
The next expectation is the idea that my spouse will be my second half,
myself will be my second half, I don't know where this idea came from, that people have, you are a whole person, and this person is a whole person, and you need to be a whole person in order to get into a marriage. Like don't expect that if you have a lot of really like personal issues, you have things that you need to heal from, you have a lot of struggles, right that this person will solve them for you having realistic expectations of the role of a spouse, and the capability of another human being is essential, like yes, your spouse and child will be a source of support emotionally for you, but they are not your therapist, and they are not going to fulfill the void that you're
looking to fill. And it's really important to realize that.
Another is the idea that I'm going to be more confident once I get married, right, or that I have a lot of self esteem issues, I really struggle with confidence, my spouse will fix that for me know that it doesn't work that way. That's another thing that has to really be developed from the inside out, not from the outside in. And so it can be really difficult. The other reason why I brought this this
misconception up is that when you struggle with your own self esteem issues, when you think very poorly of yourself, it is it can sometimes be hard to think well of other people, that when we tend to be really, really hard on ourselves, it can lead to a lot of negative thoughts of other people as well. And so I'm actually kind of use this for a moment of self reflection, the moments that you tend to be harshest when you think about other people. What are those moments are those moments when you are struggling yourself, are those moments when you are feeling inadequate yourself, right? So notice those moments when you tend to be hardest on other people. And a lot of times it tends to be
when you're hardest on yourself, right? So when we can see the good in ourselves, we're more open to giving love and receiving love and recognizing the love that others give the others gift to us. Right. And so, you know, having this healthy self esteem, it's balanced with an awareness of the importance of other people as well and taking other people into account as well. And empathy and kindness and, and generosity and all of that. But our sense of self worth. And whether we identify ourselves as worthwhile, as honorable as or as worthless, it can have a really profound impact on the choices that we make in our lives. The way that we interact with people, and even the person
that we choose for marriage, that's a really big one. A lot of times when people
don't have a positive view of themselves, they're willing to settle for somebody who mistreats them, or who looks down upon them, because it aligns with the way that they view themselves. Right. And so if that's something that's really, that's really important to to keep in mind, and then also to kind of realize that it can lead to feelings of jealousy and insecurity can lead to wanting to control and be very possessive of somebody else. So it can also dislike low self esteem can also cause damage in a marriage. So even if you're going into the marriage, that one of your your, your ways of understanding if you're prepared for it is am I able to view myself in a healthy way and to view
this other person's actions in a healthy way rather than in a way that feels threatening to our relationship constantly.
And then the next one, is the idea that the misconception that my spouse should know what I need, and be able to give that to me without me saying it. This is one across the board that is that comes up in marriage counseling all the time. And so the reason why I bring this up in being prepared for marriage is because a lot of times people have this unrealistic expectation that once I meet the one, this person is just going to know the perfect things to say when I have a hard day. This person is just going to know like all of my favorite things and just know all of the things that I that I want and
What's gonna, what's gonna make me feel wonderful and all of that stuff? That is completely unrealistic? It's completely unrealistic because people tend to, like in order to have a healthy relationship, you first of all need to understand your own needs, what you need in the relationship, and then be willing to ask for that need be able to verbalize it. Because realistically, like, if I were to ask you, today, if you were gonna go out for dinner, what are you craving? What would you like to eat for dinner? That's not you. You might say, Okay, I want to have some Thai food, right? And then if I said, Okay, well, what about yesterday? What if you had a chance to go to the
restaurant yesterday? What would you have picked? You were like, Oh, I think yesterday, I would have liked pizza. Okay, well, if from day to day, even like your something as simple as what your what you want to eat is changing, then how can you expect your spouse to just always know what you want and what you need, when you don't even know what you always want a need, right? Because it fluctuates, and it changes. And that's why communication is so important. The other reason why it's so important to address this misconception, is because a lot of times people give love and support in the way that they need, rather than the way the other person needs. Right. So there's a concept
of like love languages. And it's something that's covered also in fear of love. So I won't delve into it. But it's the idea that people require different things in order to feel loved. And so if you're somebody who wants to hear like, the, this, what this person thinks of you, and that's the way that you feel connected to them, that's something that they need to know. That's something you know, and if you're somebody who, when you receive small gifts are small gestures of a gift, that that's a way that you feel connected, then your spouse needs to know that, but they cannot know that unless you express it. Because like Allah subhana, Allah says, whether you conceal what is in within
your heart, or reveal it, it is known to Allah. It's known to Allah, but it's not known to anybody else, right? So you can conceal it all you want. And unless pensado knows, but you can't expect expect your spouse to know that the people in your life do not know that. And so being able to express that is really essential. So asking yourself, when do I feel most loved by my family? By my friends? Right? When what what makes me feel closest to them? When I'm struggling? What are the gestures that mean the most to me? What do I wish that someone would do when I'm having a hard day right and be able to express these things, rather than just imagine that this person is just going
to know the perfect response all the time. And that's a really important thing to keep in mind, because that's an unrealistic expectation that often breaks relationships before before they commit to marriage, because because this person just doesn't know what to say that in the perfect way that's going to resonate with you. So it's something that requires some practice.
Okay, the other thing
I'm going to just go into a couple more points before opening the floor for some questions and trauma. Another unrealistic expectation is that we should never argue. So a lot of times when somebody is getting to know someone for the purposes of marriage, when a conflict arises where they don't agree on something, then suddenly, it's like, well, now, okay, it's clear that we're not meant to be married. No, this is actually an ideal opportunity, because now you have the opportunity to see in action how this person deals with conflict, because conflict is inevitable. And research shows that when people are actually able to repair negative interactions during an argument, then
they're able to strengthen their marriage, it can actually bring people closer together, because you get to know a lot more about a person based on how they deal with conflict, and based on the things that are important to them that bring up conflict. So having these conversations with, you know, with a potential spouse, about how to manage conflict, and I go into that a lot more, as well as conflict resolution techniques in the flip of love course, because I really think it's very important to practice conflict resolution techniques before marriage. So in your relationships with your friends, in your relationship with your parents, how you deal with difficult situations that
come up, and how, what will be a better way. Because when you're equipped with these skills, then when you go into marriage, you have a leg up, you know, because like, like we said, conflict is inevitable. So if you learn how to deal with that, then you're set up for a much a much healthier, much healthier relationship inshallah. And so, so I wanted to just end with
the idea that unrealistic expectations can really stem from a lack of self awareness. And so, one of the most important things as you're going into the
idea like, looking for a spouse and, and striving to get married is understanding yourself and taking responsibility for yourself holding yourself accountable for what and taking responsibility for what you're bringing into a marriage? So it's a question to keep in mind is, what are the struggles? What are the weaknesses? What's the baggage that I am bringing into a marriage? When I'm getting ready to look to for somebody to marry? What am I bringing into the relationship that could be difficult to navigate? Right? And take a moment and think about that?
And if your answer is nothing, I'm great. Like, I'm great. Like, there's nothing I'm going to be contributing into this relationship that could be problematic. Anybody who marries me is going to be lucky, right? Yes, in some ways, I'm sure mashallah, you know, you're probably going to make somebody a very happy spouse one day in sha Allah. But if your answer is there's nothing I'm bringing into this marriage, that could be problematic, then you're probably not ready to get married. Because self awareness is key. Every single person, whether you came from a great home, whether you didn't, whether you've had an easy life, whether you've had a hard life, whether it no
matter what you have been through, every single person has struggles that affect their relationships with other people. And every single person has something that they're bringing to the table, that could lead to some difficulty in the marriage. Look at the example of Salomon, when there are salsa, salsa and Prophet Muhammad SAW Selim, he came to her asked for her hand in marriage. And she was a little nervous, and she said, O Messenger of Allah, I am a woman who is extremely jealous, and I'm afraid that you'll see in me something that will anger you would cause a lot to punish me. I'm a woman who's already advanced in age, and I'm a woman who has a young family. Look at that self
awareness, she's like, here are three things that could potentially be something that comes up in our relationship. Here's like, I'm sorry, I struggle with jealousy. Right. And this, the fact that she exhibited the self awareness, I think, is so beautiful and profound, and just like look at that level of maturity, right. And so I met him in Qatar, Brazil, and he told us to hold yourselves to account before you are held to account, hold yourselves accountable before you're held accountable, and evaluate yourself before you're evaluated. And this is talking about the Day of Judgment, right. And this is an obviously the most important way self awareness and accountability is for your asset
is for your hereafter. But it's also for your dunya and the way it's going to affect your hereafter. Because if we don't hold ourselves accountable for what we're bringing to the table and marriage, then we're going to be blinded to the responsibility and the role that we have in any struggles that come up in marriage, which number one, Islamically is problematic, because in order to fix things, you have to take responsibility for it, right. And so if you're, if you're doing something to hurt another person, and you're not recognizing it, you can't fix it. And that's problematic in the broader framework of our of our aesthetic development and our hereafter. And then also, you have no
opportunity to create change, and to address conflict in your marriage. If you don't hold yourself to account if you're not willing to say, Okay, I could have dealt with that better. Here's the issue. Here's what ended up happening. And here's what I need to do to create that change. Right? Because marriage is a system it takes both people to create a healthy, a healthy relationship, asking yourself how am I influencing this situation is so important to hold ourselves to account and to take responsibility. So those are some of the misconceptions and some of the unrealistic expectations that can come up in in the marriage search process, and some things to reflect on,
whether there's some development or work that needs to be done as you're trying to prepare yourself for marriage. And I ask Allah Subhana Allah to grant you all the best spouses and marriages that are just filled with peace and blessings, love and closeness. Alas, patata. Aloha. My name is Zack and well. I mean, you know, by that, I mean does that Kamala Harris Subhanallah just kind of like that was That felt so comprehensive mashallah, that tackled so many of the key things, I think a lot of those topics can be like lectures on their own, but at hamdulillah that's the purpose of us creating a complete holistic horse like pick of love, and having professionals like yourself contributing to
it so that we get both the Islamic kind of foundational kind of understanding of what our role is what our purpose is for every stage of this process. And then of course, we get, I guess, the human element, and the weaknesses and the kind of the baggage that we sometimes bring to these scenarios, and we're able to kind of tackle that holistically. So mashallah, that was super beneficial. I think everyone in the chat can agree
Super, super informative. If you guys found this beneficial, I do highly encourage you guys to visit the link in the description and go to amalgam dot online, forward slash love. And that's where you can find the full course. And this is just a taste of the discussions that we're gonna be having there. Just out of curiosity, I don't sure if you mentioned it mentioned it, this is just our do you recommend someone scheduled like a therapy session? And kind of if they feel like they're having some challenges, or they feel like this issue keeps coming up again? And again, for them? Are certain issues keep coming to being highlighted when they're searching for people? Or they're having
conversations? Do they? Do you recommend therapy for people? Is that overkill? No, yeah, I think that, you know, one of the, one of the ideas in, in therapy and in the field of psychology is the idea that what you resist persists. So if you are noticing that there is a problem that continues to come up, and a certain pattern that repeats itself again, and again, when you ignore it, that pattern will inevitably continue to, to happen. And so one of the ways to break that pattern, if you can't break it on your own, or if you've, I would encourage you to talk to people who know you really well, and to say, Hey, I noticed this is happening. How do you think I'm contributing to it?
Like, I noticed that, you know, whenever things are working really well, in, you know, like, as I'm talking to somebody for marriage, I just like, I just, I don't know, I don't know what happens, and it just like falls apart. Right? So talk to somebody who knows you really well, and see, maybe they can help you to identify what might be happening in there. How are you? How might your your choices be contributing to that. But a lot of times, it helps to have a therapist who's like, somebody who's just objective and who's trained in that, to be able to help you piece it, to piece it together, and to help kind of call it out and, and, and help you to break that pattern. So yeah, it can definitely
be helpful if, if needed, she has like a look or that that really helps. For anyone else who has questions on today's topic, the topic is, are you ready for marriage, please feel free to drop them into the chats here on YouTube and Facebook control. And we'll do our best to take them before the session ends, which whichever comes in time and Sharla, we only have about 13 or so minutes. So we'll do as many as we can in that timeframe. In the meantime, who said that? What would you say is a red flag? Or is a sign that someone who is I guess initiating the conversation or someone that you're speaking to is definitely not ready to start this process and something that you should
actually heed that you're not being overly anxious or overly critical about?
Yeah, great question. Mashallah. So,
there's so there's actually a lot of red flags to go into. It's actually something that's covered in the course. So I but I just want to mention, I'm going to mention one, one that I think is I mentioned to what is the like, you know, we talked about the importance of self awareness, if this person is exhibiting a lack of self awareness, that is a that's a big red flag. So you know, you asking, So what struggles Do you think like, basically, based on your past experience or things like that, you know, what are some things that are a little bit anxiety provoking for you about the idea of getting married? What are some things you're worried are going to show up in marriage? If they
can't, if they don't have an answer, that's and give it some time? Like, let them think about it and reflect on it, but if they don't have an answer, and they keep insisting like, No, there's nothing, everything,
that's either a sign of lack of maturity, or lack of self awareness, I would be a little bit aware, aware of that. Right. The other thing, that and then, and then also, like, somebody who's constantly negative about the people in their life, right, and, and like constantly blaming, that's also an indication of a lack of self awareness, because they're not taking responsibility for their role in it. The other thing that I would say is a red flag to watch out for, if I'm just mentioning to is not committing. Now, that's a big one these days, like, this is a huge, a huge thing that I've been noticing, too, is a lot of times, people just won't commit to taking it and taking this this
conversation in a serious way toward marriage. Right? They either won't anybody who's saying no, I'm not ready to talk to your parents.
For the sisters out there, or for brothers, if a sister saying no, you can't talk to my parents. Or if you know, it's, it's clear like okay, hey, you know, like we've been talking like the families have gotten involved in everything. And this person is not willing to set a date and they keep like coming up with excuses and everything. That that lack of ability to commit is going to be a red flag also. Definitely, I don't know if you can see my picture when you're on the screen. I was like nodding, so my head was gonna fly.
But no, it's a part of life. I don't know if this is because of the culture that we're in that we're surrounded by, like a lack of commitment in general relationships, at least those of us in the West. I don't know if we're like that that's leaching into ours or it's that anxiety that people have
making the wrong mistake. And these rising divorce rates like these are all conversations and things that we tackle in the class. But it's really interesting how much that's affecting in both genders, brothers and sisters, people are just too scared to move things forward. So
and I think it's a combination of both, I think you bring up a really good point, because I think also, like one of the things that's really unique about our time now in the way that people are finding spouses is through these apps. And while that can be a great asset, it it also is really hard. And there's always this idea of what if there's somebody else out there who's better than this person I'm talking to? What if it's
like that, it's that will always that, you know, it's like the heavy sort of soft setting where he says that, if the son of Adam were to be given a valley filled with gold, he would want a second, pay attention to the value of gold you're talking to, you don't like Don't Don't look for another one, right? Like, there, it's so important to it's so so important to focus on the person that you're speaking with, rather than always thinking, Well, what if this, like little 10% that I'm that I'm lacking in this relationship could be found somewhere else? You might find that 10%, but you lost 90? So is it worth it? Right, so So that's, I think, like art, you're right, our culture is
just very damaging when it comes to that. We were not built, I don't think we were built this way to have so many options at our fingertips. Like I feel like it messes up this organic kind of process of getting to know somebody and trusting and building that thing. It's when there's so much option, it's impossible to have that that same and it's rare, like I'm mashallah very proud of or very, you know, I applaud those who go through that process and see it through because it's difficult nowadays.
But sorry, I got excited by this conversation, shiny object syndrome. Somebody else said in the chat. I'm not good point. So I know there's quite a few questions coming in. I'm going to try to scroll up to the first one that I saw, which is really good. Someone was asking, rakia was asking, in the world we live in now, it seems like we all have issues, which issues are adjustable with your partner, and which ones should we tried not to adjust with?
That's a great, that's a great question.
So which issues basically what you're asking are like which issues are, are potentially changeable, or manageable, and which ones aren't? And you know what, there's no easy answer to that question. Because it really differs person to person, because it differs based on what you personally value the most. Right? So for example, so there are certain issues in marriage counseling that are called
like, perpetual, perpetual issues, or I can't remember the exact term that's used in the in the research.
But basically, these are issues that just are part and parcel of the relationship that you have with this person, and they're never gonna go away. So for example, if you marry somebody who is messy, but you are somebody who's very meat, that is an issue that's just never gonna go away. And the trick is, I have to figure out how do I navigate that, so that it doesn't become a constant struggle in my marriage, right? And so the way that you kind of figure this out is, is this something I could live with? Is this something that like, okay, I can deal with the fact that this person is really messy, because they bring so much else to the table? And I want what they bring to the table. So I'm
willing to take this, right. That's the kind of thing to to ask yourself about. Like I remember, when I first got engaged, my them supervisor, my old boss, the first question she asked me was, what's the most annoying thing about him? Like, what's the most? What's the thing that annoys me the most about him? And I was like, That's a great question. Because if you can't identify something that annoys you about the person, then you're wearing rose colored glasses, and you need to put on realistic ones, because there's always going to be something because you're marrying a human being, there's always gonna be something you don't like. And that's, that's normal. That's to be expected.
But what you have to figure out is, do I dislike it enough that it won't work, that it'll get on my nerves so much that it is such a deal breaker, that it can't work? Or does the do the pros outweigh the cons? So if you know for example, like the example I brought up before a prayer, if you know that your faith is really really important to you, and abiding by the pillars of Islam and the commands of Allah cantata is very, very important to you than marrying somebody who does not consistently pray that is going to be an ongoing issue in your relationship, because like we said, you can't expect a person to change Inshallah, they will, but you can't expect that. And so if this
never changes, are you okay with it? That's the question to kind of just ask yourself for all the things that you notice in this person, if this never changes, can I live with it? Can I still be happy? Can I still be content? And if you can answer yes to those things, then inshallah this person could potentially be a good fit in sha Allah. There's so many questions I want to layer on top of this.
Question. I feel like when we get started, we don't we don't want to stop. But at home that we have become love q&a is in the actual course. I don't look up to online when you register. So I think sister started last time we had a couple of Q and A's with you as well, right? Because we have there's a lot of course content that you cover, and we had so many questions. So in sha Allah, I think I'll save my questions. Until then we'll try to get to maybe one more question or two more questions before we close the session. So somebody else is asking, yes, he's asking, besides integrity and lien, what is the most important quality to look for in a husband?
So, so again, you know, that's one that it really depends person to person based on what you personally prioritize.
So there's, like you said, integrity, meaning trustworthiness and things like that, Dean, for sure. But I think a lot has to do with personality, too. So making sure that this person, this person's personality aligns with yours. And so you know, that that you can find through conversation and things like that. But the, I think one of the top things, if I were to name one thing, is how this person treats you, how this person treats people around them, how this person treats their parents, how this person treats, you know, like when you know, when you see them interact with somebody that can't benefit them. I think that's a very profound one, where you kind of just see like, you see
their behavior toward them. So how they treat the people in their lives and how they treat you. How do you feel when you come out of a conversation with them? Do you feel worse about yourself, like have had to kind of feel like, like just this discomfort or like they were they you know, that they kind of made you feel badly about yourself or things like that? That is, you know, that's a really big thing is how do you feel in your interactions with this person? So I think yeah, the top two, I would say is that and the personality bit so see if you're compatible in terms of your personality, in terms of your priorities, in terms of kind of your, just your goals and the way that you want to
live your lives? It's that's a very, that's a very big question. Again, one that is delved into, in a lot more depth in, in the course, John, I know, we keep referencing the course. But we have to just just because there's like God knows how many, like dozens of hours of content there. And that will do justice to these topics in a way that you can't in this format. And it's so hard because, you know, everybody needs to have something like different and, and even the course, like the course has a lot of great content, Mashallah. But it's also, you know, like, even even in hours and hours of content, you can't address everything for everyone. That's what people have so many scenarios
that come up, covered. Yeah, exactly. Marriage is just, it's such a holistic issue. It impacts us in so many different ways. And so to be able to, to kind of address like, individually, it's like, you know, I think about it, how, when the when people used to come to a little soy sauce on them for advice, and they said, give me advice. And he would give like every person who came but he gave different advice, too, because everybody needs something different, right? And so when you know, when you guys are asking a question of like, what's the top trait you would look for? I was like, Well, what I would look for is going to be different than what you need to look for. Right? So
yeah, yeah, I think but that you started to understand yourself better as you're going through this process. And I'm glad that people are concerned enough, and they care enough to try to figure out, are they ready? What do they need to do to prepare themselves? This is like, that's the best thing that you can be doing at that stage. So inshallah this course is, no matter what stage you're in, actually, whether you're preparing whether you're engaged, whether you're married, whether you're Nikka has tomorrow, whatever it is, whether you're going through a divorce, subhanAllah, because that's also something that we tackle, whether you're trying to get remarried after divorce, whether
you've been widowed, and somehow there's so many different dynamics, like relationships are so complicated. This is why you want to spend a lot of time getting yourself in a healthy space and, and understanding yourself before you kind of take that go down this path. And just like a hair star for making this process, so much more easy to understand and simplifying some of these really confusing emotions and thoughts and feelings and things that just keep us up at night. When it comes to the topic of marriage and preparing for it. I know there's a lot of really, really good questions here. I just want to ask for those who are registering for the class and you submitted a question
here, please save that there's a q&a forum that's already linked in your portal. We want to make sure we get a chance to answer them. Inshallah, we won't get to, you know, get through everything in these webinars. But hopefully we get a chance when you're inside the portal itself to do justice to them. Does that clickers desire for being with us and for your contributions to this class, I'm so glad we're relaunching it now. Especially with you know, wedding season being in full swing, invitations coming every weekend. I think for everybody who was part of the process of of a wedding and who's you know, who's getting these invitations or whatnot, it's beneficial to also be able to
look introspectively and be able to prepare yourself to be in that stage as well. So it's an honor to have you contribute once again to the Milgram community. We hope to have you online
insha Allah hopefully before the chorus closes if not after we close inshallah inside the portal so that we can learn and benefit more from you and challenges that come up here for being with us and I'm wondering
does that philosophy and radical Salah
that was a really fast our mashallah does echo here just Asara and to all of you who were here with us for this talk because I have man those those this 60 minutes went way too fast I will say the topic that she covered mashallah she there's a whole module in the class topic of love, once again, among them to online, that's where you can register that talks about preparing for marriage. So this was a peek into some of the topics at SR SR goes into a lot more depth. So if you've benefited from it, like we've been saying, make sure that you do register for the class. It's one of the best investments that you can make. And it's really important for you to be able to have the best
resources at your fingertips. Of course, you will need this uni, our beloved instructor, our senior instructor at an awlgrip Institute is educating us as leader in teaching the class but sisters are his contributions have made this course something that's completely on a different level. So I do hope that you guys take some time to check it out on Magarpatta online, send us a message if you have any questions and register, because we go through every little thing from the first thought that you have about marriage, basically, getting yourself to the right place, you know, preparing yourself psychologically and mentally and religiously and answering any questions that you have
during those stages. And then finding somebody going through the engagement process getting married. And then all the different scenarios that come up, when we know within marriage within raising children are having issues, all that kind of stuff. So it's honestly I'm super excited about if you cannot tell. And I really hope that you guys get a chance to benefit from all the great, great, great information that we have in the thick of love and that you get to get your questions answered. Like we have been doing today with Mr. Zara. She's akmola Fair for being with us for today's webinar. Look out for some new announcements and some new webinars upcoming in Sharla for this
class, and make sure that you do join us on the other side so you get a chance to benefit from the hours and hours of information that we have and beneficial contents that we have inside of the class for now. Take care Stay happy, stay healthy, stay safe and as