Marriage Makeover – 02 The 3 Components

share this pageShare Page
Quran Weekly

Channel: Quran Weekly

Series:

Topics: Marriage

Episode Notes

Marriage Makeover – Ep 2/5 – The 3 Components – Haleh Banani

Allah gives us the recipe for a happy marriage in Surat ar-Rum and Sister Haleh Banani breaks down the 3 essential components that are required.

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


00:00:00--> 00:00:12

This audio is brought to you by Muslim Central. please consider donating to help cover our running costs and future projects by visiting www dot Muslim central.com forward slash donate

00:00:20--> 00:00:41

Salam Alaikum Quran Weekly This is Hala banani and today I'm going to tell you about the three main ingredients in having a loving marriage Bismillah was Salatu was Salam ala rasulillah woman I a tea and Holla Holla come in for a second as watch on later school new Elijah watch Allah

00:00:44--> 00:00:46

MA in feed

00:00:48--> 00:00:50

me at effect

00:00:52--> 00:01:48

and of his science. Women I see from His signs and Haleakala calm that he has created men and forcing them from yourself as watch and that your spouse, your husband, your wife, Lee Tesco, new la ha, so that you may find tranquility and peace, what Jalla beynac calm and he made between you, my what, what are my that he has put between you that love and mercy in the fever like Allah is and littleman yetta vacarro. So these are the signs for people who reflect this is one of the most popular verses used in in weddings. And it's so critical for us to reflect on the meaning not just from a spiritual sense, but also from a psychological perspective, that what is it that Allah is

00:01:48--> 00:02:38

telling us is the recipe for having an amazing marriage. And we can extrapolate some of the most essential marital lessons, really Allah is saying here is that the main purpose of marriage is to provide you with peace. Allah is saying that front has signs you will find peace, it's guaranteed if you follow the guidelines that he establishes. So basically, there are three purposes of marriage, which is peace, love, and mercy. And these are also the three main ingredients for having a successful marriage when you have a good marriage. And husbands and wives are loving and respectful to one another. That affects the way that you raised your kids, the kids are going to be happy and

00:02:38--> 00:03:24

confident. And as a family, they can contribute to the community. When you have broken homes, when there's fighting when there's yelling, and there's emotional and physical abuse, it really affects the children. And it a broken home leads to broken societies. I've had children that they were 15 years old having to stand between their mother and father, the father was about to strike the mom and the child would have to stand there and try to protect her mother. Imagine how traumatic that is imagine how broken this child feels. And so we really need to first focus on the marital relationship improving that love and that mercy between the husband and wife before we even talk

00:03:24--> 00:04:17

about having children and to meet and contributing to the community. Let's start with Lita schooner. sukoon as you know, in touch weed means no movement, there's no hat icon. And that means to have mental peace you need to stop you need to stop and connect with your spouse. You need to be a source of comfort, support and understanding for your spouse. And being the first one your spouse will go to for support and comfort. Look at the amazing example of how the tarantula and her how she was there for the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam at his darkest hour of fear and confusion. She was there to put hope and peace in his heart. And imagine her effort because she was so emotionally

00:04:17--> 00:04:59

stable because she had worked on herself. And she was at such a level of maturity. She was able to be there for her husband for Rasulullah Salallahu alaihe salam, and it was so admired that she got salaams from Allah azza wa jal. Her act was so admirable, was so amazing that it got her to get salaams from Allah azza wa jal anytime I think about that I get teary eyed, that what an amazing wife she was, what effort and what comfort she provided the prophets Allah Allah is Allah and the Prophet sallallahu Sallam was at the service of his family. He was a source of peace.

00:05:00--> 00:05:45

He made the peace of the home if anything came up, he used his wisdom to resolve it in a very diplomatic manner. majority of people are in turmoil. And because they lack conflict resolution, actually, I say, conflict resolution is non existent. It's not the absence of conflict in a marriage, but it's how the conflicts are handled, that makes for a great marriage. So basically, there are three steps to conflict resolution. And our objective for conflict resolution is attaining that peace, we want to have the peace, because most people when they don't apply conflict resolution, when they're not communicating effectively, when they are not thinking about the other

00:05:45--> 00:06:30

person, what happens is that they just basically explode, they have a fight, and nothing gets resolved. So wanting to do it in a proper manner. And having conflict resolution as your objective, you are trying to attain the peace, that very piece that I was talking about in this first, that is one of the purposes of marriage. So first thing we need to do is be aware of the timing, when you want to bring up something, you need to make sure that your spouse is not overly tired, they're not stressed out that they don't have, they're not preoccupied, because if you don't keep that in mind, and you approach them at the wrong time, what happens, you see that if there's an explosion, because

00:06:31--> 00:07:16

you're not considering their feelings, you're not considering the fact that they may have a deadline, they're pressured, they're hungry, they're stressed, whatever it is, maybe they're losing a loved one, maybe they're sick, something is going on. And if you are oblivious to what's going on with your spouse's life, or their emotional state, and you just want to resolve the conflict, they will not be open and receptive. So we need to make sure that we approach our spouse at the right time. And the second thing is, observe, don't criticize, observe, don't criticize meaning what that if you see something is not the way you like it, you just make an observation you state that, you

00:07:16--> 00:07:57

know, I noticed that the house has not been maintained. Are you okay? Are you overwhelmed? Is there anything I can do to help? Rather than criticizing that you never clean up? I mean, look at this mess, what's wrong with you had all day? Why can't you get your act together to see how that criticism will really feel like an attack, and the person is obviously going to feel defensive? So you make an observation, I noticed that the bills were not paid. And we have like some we have some late fees. Is there something I can do to help out? Are you feeling a little bit stressed about doing the bills? Can I help out in some way? That's making an observation you not criticize the

00:07:57--> 00:08:41

criticism with be like, I can't believe how careless you are? You didn't pay the bill. So now we have all these late fees, how can you be so indifferent, right, so that becomes a personal attack, being aware of your spouse's emotional state, being aware of timing, observing and not criticizing, you're showing that you are in tune with your spouse, you don't want to hurt their feelings, you don't want to overwhelm them. So this is a form of Rama. So we said that the conflict resolution wanting conflict resolution that has to do with the objective of gaining peace in your home, you're not just going to explode, you want to have a method of resolving your problems, being aware of the

00:08:41--> 00:09:27

timing, and observing, not criticizing, that's all about Rama having mercy. The third way is to defuse the tension. Many times when you get into an argument with your spouse, there's a lot of tension. Everyone feels super sensitive. And so it's really important to find out what would help your spouse release some of the tension. With some sisters, they say All I need is a hug. If they get hug at the time of an argument, everything subsides. So they just need a little bit of affection. Sometimes you can agree on using humor, not be careful, don't be sarcastic about your spouse, you have to use humor that you know, will make your spouse laugh, you're not laughing at

00:09:27--> 00:09:59

them, you're laughing together. And then basically taking some time out making that a time to maybe just relax, maybe go for a walk and so that you're not escalating the tension. And of course, there's a lot to discuss about how to come to a compromise, which we don't have time to get into right now. But these are the first primary steps in resolving the conflict. One of Allah's Name is what dude, which is love. And that is one of the names that we need to emulate this movie. This

00:10:00--> 00:10:49

Love, it creates a friendship, love, you have to look at love as a verb, that you need to show your love, you need to express it you need to do loving acts, it's not just a feeling a lot of times we focus on the emotional aspect of love. We're just waiting to feel love. Love is a verb. And so we need to express our love by showing it by doing kind acts loving actions, which will make your spouse feel love. A lot of times we focus on love as being just a feeling. And we either feel it or we don't Some people say I don't feel it anymore, I'm not in love with my spouse, well, you can't wait for that love, you need to be proactive, you need to create the love. And this love leads to

00:10:49--> 00:11:35

friendship, which is actually the second pillar of the five pillars marriage program. And they have done studies that those individuals who have been married, the longest, and they're the happiest in their relationship are the ones who have a lasting friendship. Because when you have a friendship with your spouse, you're respectful you're loving, you have a good time with that. And that's what makes for a long lasting relationship. So this is all about mawatha and the love. Now as far as the raw, which is the mercy. This is a stronger form of love, because it is what makes you feel that need to provide for your spouse physically and emotionally. You want to protect them, you want to

00:11:35--> 00:12:26

provide for them. And obviously, if there's mercy, you don't want to hurt them in any way. You don't want to hurt them emotionally, or physically. There's that sense of protection from verbal emotional and physical abuse. The Hadith of the Prophet salallahu alaihe salam says that the Muslim is the one that other Muslims are safe from their tongue, which is sarcasm and criticism and hands physical violence. So unfortunately, many marriages are plagued with abuse. Where's the mercy? If you are taking out your anger on your spouse, on the person who's looking to you for protection, for comfort for peace, then where is that mercy? As a cognitive behavioral therapist, I work on changing the way

00:12:26--> 00:13:11

that people think in order to change their behavior. So if you're thinking negatively, negatively about your spouse all day, you heart will be filled with resentment and anger, and it's going to be impossible to be merciful. This destroys your internal peace. So if you're thinking, I can't believe he is so selfish, he is so greedy. I can't believe that he did this and all day long. You're replaying all the negative things that your spouse did? Or you're thinking about how could she be? So Carolyn? How could she be so selfish? How could she be so impossible? If you're thinking that all day long? What is that going to do to you, you are going to be filled with anger and resentment, and

00:13:11--> 00:13:57

you're going to become reactionary. And this will make you mess up the external piece of your marriage, right? whatever is going on through your mind is going to affect your feelings. And those feelings are going to affect your actions. So be really careful about having negative thoughts about your spouse. Now, mercy implies this spiritual connection. It's a spiritual connection that develops when you're married, which causes you to be affectionate, to be sympathetic and to be loving. And a lot of times we think of marriage as completing half of your deen. And actually what it does is that it will force you to work on your emotional state, it pushes you to develop the compassion, the

00:13:57--> 00:14:45

patience and the faith. So it really completes that aspects of your deen as well. Many times we view marriage as completing half our Deen because it's protecting us from so many of the temptations. It's also completing half of our team and working on ourselves emotionally because we're pushed to be more compassionate, more patient and more understanding. I think if we take these three ingredients, the peace, the love and the mercy and we apply it into our marriage the way Allah intended for us to experience our marriage, we will all have a better relationship inshallah. This audio is brought to you by Muslim Central. please consider donating to help cover our running costs

00:14:45--> 00:14:51

and future projects by visiting www dot Muslim central.com forward slash donate