Channel: Omar Suleiman
Bad Blood: The Road to Mending Relationships was delivered at the 15th MAS-ICNA Convention.
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Salam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh
so I just walked about a mile to get here from another session. So I might be breathing hard in the first part of this session is not because I'm emotional by the topic. I'm just tired. All right, so don't get me wrong ideas. smilla rahmanir rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam anata Sunni hid Karim. While early he was happy, he was seldom at the Sleeman kathira. Before I get into this topic of mending relationships, and how we fix things that we've already broken, I wanted to start off with a very basic concept. That is to highlight the role of a loss of Hannah Montana, in our interactions, even with people, that the role of a lot in our lives is not just a spiritual
war role or a personal role or an individual role. But it rather is to define all of our relationships, and the prophets lysozyme mentioned to us and ahaadeeth that treat people the way that you would want to be treated very similar to the golden rule. But there's an added caveat to that that I want to start off with and I want you to remember this, be with people as you wish a lot would be with you.
Do to others what you want Allah to do for you. And that's a far more accurate portrayal of the texts that we find in the Quran and the Sunnah of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam treat people the way you wish or the way you want a lot to actually treat you.
And Subhanallah there's a beautiful Hadith that's that starts off and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says men can if he has it, whoever's in the service of his brother, Canada Luffy Hagerty, Allah is in his service as well. When you're in the service of your brother, Allah is in your service as well. And I want you to think about that and ponder upon that concept deeply. Sometimes you're in the service of your brother or your sister financially, you help them out of debt. Sometimes you're in the service of your brother and sister by giving them a shoulder to cry on. You know, a lot of times, we conflate giving advice with letting someone vent and letting someone have
an ear. Sometimes people don't need a sermon, they need a shoulder, they just need someone to cry on. And that's a service to your brother, your sister. Sometimes you're a service to your brother, your sister, when you teach them sometimes you're of service to your brother and your sister, when you guide them to that which is right. There are many ways to be in service to your brother and sister. But the beautiful Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mentions to us here that Allah is in your service, so long as you are in the service of your brother and sister who would not want a lot to be in their service in a way that benefits His Majesty. Subhana who it's Anna, and
there are a few things about that. Well, what about if I'm trying to help someone or if I'm trying to be of service to my brother and sister but they don't recognize that?
You know, the prophets lie some tells us on sort of a Hawker volume and Muslim, support your brother when he's oppressed, or when he's oppressor? How do you support your brother when he's an oppressor by stopping him from oppressing too many times we conflate the two, we think that we're supporting our brother who's an oppressor, by making them feel better about his oppression. When someone wrongs another person, whether that person is in a place of religious authority, or that person is a brother or a sister or a spouse, or that person is a community member or a member of your tribe.
You support that person by stopping them from committing that transgression and stopping them from committing that oppression. And you know, the Arabs the way they they heard that is through a tribalistic lens. Why, because they were used to this idea that if someone from my tribe is wrong, then I will still have my tribes men's back. So when they heard the prophets lie, some say, support your brother, whether he's wrong, or whether he's wrong, they immediately went to that place that may be the profit slice and, um, is telling us that this tribal system, which seems to, you know, conflict with everything that he's taught us thus far, is correct. And so essentially, sometimes in
a relationship, you are willing to sacrifice that relationship for the good of the person, for the good of that person. That I know that mean, giving you advice right now or telling you that you're doing something wrong, is possibly going to compromise the way that you feel about me. But that's how much I love you that I will not superficially support you in evil and superficially support you when you're wrong. That defending a person is not the same as defending their mistakes, that I will stop you when you oppress and stop you when you do something that's wrong. And isn't it the same
With a law, that sometimes Allah is in our service, and we might interpret it as divine wrath, sometimes Allah is doing something for us, and planning in our favor, even as we're questioning him. subhanho wa Taala. And so being in true service to your brother and sister, in a wholesome sense, is that you place that person's interests before your own interests lie, you know, I had to come no one of you truly believes until he loves for his brother, what he loves for himself, not less than what he loves for himself, but what he loves for herself in a financial sense in a physical sense and an emotional sense, in a religious sense, in every sense of the word you love for your brother, what
you love for him, what you love for yourself. And I was going through these statements, which you often hear at a fundraiser, or you often hear in a lecture about brotherhood, where Allah subhanaw taala says, For example, and Hadeeth glitzy Yep, not an unfit unfit for adek Oh son of Adam, spend, and I will spend on you, or when the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says, men can if he had it, he he can allow for you Hagerty, whoever is in the service of his brother, Allah is in his service. Think about the extent of those words, how much will you spend on your brother? And how much do you want from Allah? How much will you take care of the vulnerable? And how much do you expect from
Allah when you yourself are vulnerable? Man settled on Muslim man cetara. Hola, Yokoyama, whoever, whoever covers or conceals the fault of his brother, Allah will cover his faults or conceal his faults on the Day of Judgment. How much are you willing to conceal your brother's fault? And how badly do you want to conceal your flaws on the day of judgment?
Think about that. Because of the extent counts as well, when you include the equation of a loss when you include in the equation, the loss of Hannah, what's our, what do I want from Alan, what am I willing to give to the people, if I'm willing to only somewhat cover the shame of my brother, then I can expect on the day of judgment that my shame will also be exposed. And if I'm willing to put my brother on blast or my sister on blast, and slander and gossip, then I can expect that the same will be done with me on the Day of Judgment where I will be an utter humiliation for the humiliation that I cost to someone else. The profits license says man Yes sir Allah more so.
Whoever facilitates or make something easy for one who is in hardship? Yes, subtle law he for dunya will ask Allah, Allah will make things easy for him in this life and the next. Once again, the prophets lie Selim is telling us to what extent Will you seek to alleviate the hardship of another? And to what extent do you want a lot to alleviate your own hardship on the day of judgment? When Allah says in the Quran, while you're
allowed to have bona fide Allah Hola, como. Let them forgive and Pardon? Don't you want a law to pardon you? Don't you want a lot to forgive you? A lot adds an element to it. You know, when you kind of forgive, but you make sure that the person never forgets that you forgave.
And you make them Wish you never forgave them in the first place. Because of how often you remind them of their transgression. And how, how little your forgiveness actually is.
Then you can expect the same from Allah subhanho wa Taala. How badly do you want to come on the day of judgment
and see that your major transgressions are forgiven?
How badly do you want a lot to not make even mentioned to not even make mention of your transgressions? And are you holding other people to that standard? Are you doing the same with other people? The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said that whoever severs the ties of kinship, Allah subhanho wa Taala cuts him off.
You cut off your brother and sister a lot cuts you off. And I think about this a lot because you know some had a lot you know, when you go to the salon sometimes you got two people that aren't talking to each other. It's awkward. Ramadan, people are fasting Jumeirah you got people trying to avoid each other in a family. Right? And you think about this. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam says that every three days, every three days, the deeds are presented to Allah subhanho to Allah monday and thursday meaning the deeds are presented to Allah subhana wa tada your good deeds a son to Allah every Monday and Thursday, and the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Allah
looks to two people that are correlate and Allah says only to her they had to
leave these two
Until they fix that which is between them. Leave them.
You know, you think about the silly things that you allow to put barriers between you and your brother or sister, you and your family members that could have cost you a drama lawn, that could have cost you your hedge that could cost you all of these things. Why? Because of your ego, essentially,
because of your ego. Now, this does not refer to just to be clear, because I've got to give this disclaimer, an abuser and the one who is abused. This refers to core link, making Islam with those that you quarrel with reconciling with those that you quarrel with. Don't you want a lot to do that with you? Don't you want a lot to treat you the same way? So why not forgive and why not pardon. And one thing that's very noticeable about all of these is and all of these ideas is that the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he uses the exact same wording every single time and a lot uses the exact same wording every single time it'll have momentum. Your harmonica Memphis I'ma show mercy to
those on this earth and the one who is in the heavens will show mercy to you. Spend and I will spend on you forgive, don't you want Allah to forgive you? All of these times the prophets lie Selim uses the exact same wording, to show you that Allah will treat you exactly as you treat other people, Allah will hold you to the standards that you hold other people.
And so you want that mercy from God? How much of it? Are you willing to manifest as a human being? How much of it are you willing to give to someone else? There's a very famous story of the adulterous from Benny Islam in the zania, from the children of Israel, who the Prophet slicin have mentioned to us who entered into Jenna, because she gave water to a thirsty doc. But there is another narration and listen carefully to this. The prophets lysozyme says that there was a man who was walking one day and he became thirsty.
And as he was thirsty, he sought out a well he's in the desert and he's looking for an oasis. He's looking for a while he's looking for water.
When he found that water and quench his thirst, he came out and he saw a dog that was thirsty as well. And the man looked at that dog and look at the connection that he made to Allah. He said how they'll Kelvin or others he said the way that dog is thirsty Mithra lovey cannibal avani is the same way that I was thirsty. Just like I was thirsty, and Allah gave water to me. That dog was also thirsty, so I should probably give it water. You see the spiritual connection here? The way that he made this connection? The way that he thought about it, he didn't just say Oh, it's a dog. Maybe I should give it some water. There was a thought process there. You know, a lot took care of me. When
I was thirsty. And I am vulnerable to Allah. I am in need of Allah subhanaw taala Island, he is not in need of me. That dog needs me right now. And that dog is thirsty. You know, most Muslims, if a dog comes around, that's thirsty, you'd probably kick it and be like, No, just get away. You know, don't get anything on me.
That man thought a lots of care of me. I should take care of that dog. What happened as a result of that you guys can scream it. I can hear you from the stage. What did the prophets lie Some say happened to him as a result?
He answered Jenna, obviously, but the wording, the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said for Saqqara, Hola. Or for Sakura, Allahu Allahu. So Allah thanked him.
For Allah and forgave him. Allah thanked him. Why did Allah thank him? Who did he give water to
Why did Allah thank him and forgive him? Because he made that connection to Allah. He took this very simple deed and made that connection to a loss of Hannah hood to Allah. Compare that to one of the first three people that will enter into Hellfire that the Prophet slice that I mentioned a man who gave charity his entire life. But he gave charity so that he could be called One who is generous, because it was a true gratitude to Allah subhana wa tada for a lot taking care of him. He gave charity so that a lot so that people would call him ketene. People would call him one who is generous, this man made that connection.
And so when someone is sick, when someone is in need, and the prophets lie, some says that Allah has said, or that on the Day of Judgment, a man will come in a loss of data. Let's say you have to add them. Oh, son of Adam. I was hungry and you did not feed me. And the man would say yeah, Allah
How can I feed you? And you are the Lord of the worlds? And he would say, don't you know so and so was hungry? And had you fed that person, you would have found the reward with me? Oh, son of Adam, I was thirsty, and you did not give me anything to drink. Yeah, Rob, how can I give you anything to drink? And you are the Lord of the worlds? Don't you know that so and so was thirsty, and had you went and quench their thirst, you would have found that reward with me? And then finally, oh, son of Adam, I was sick. And you did not visit me? Count Allah? How can I visit you? And you are the Lord of the worlds. And Allah says, Don't you know that my servants so and so was sick, and had you
visited him or her, you would have found me with him.
It's a difference, not the reward, you would have found me with him. Because Allah is with those who are vulnerable. Allah is with those who are forgotten. A lot is with those who people do not look to because they have no worldly or materialistic benefit to them, Allah is with them, in the sense that a loss of hundreds data supports them, the only he will be nicely he, Allah supports them, and his blessings are with them. This is a very powerful highlight or a very powerful illustration that were given in this Hadeeth. Now what does it mean on a practical level? Dear brothers and sisters, there are people that are forgotten in this world.
And Allah Subhana Allah to Allah mentions people that will be forgotten in the hereafter. The people that are forgotten in this world are not the people that will be forgotten in the hereafter. The people that will be forgotten are those that forgot their Lord and as a result forgot all of their obligations to their Lord, which included treating people the way that they wanted Allah subhanaw taala to treat them. Now with these last 10 minutes, I want to speak at a very human level in a very real level in a very practical level. I hope you guys will pay very close attention to this.
You know, there is a man by the name of Sonny Manoj bin Abdul Malik Rahim Allah to Allah who is a halifa. And he asked he summons one of the Barbarian Abou hasm. And he asked him it's a very famous dialogue he said to him, yeah, but hasn't Oh Avraham wise is it that we hate death so much? And yes, you're going to wonder over the next few minutes what this has to do with the topic? Why is it that we hate death so much, you know what he said? He said, The M nakoma, monotone dounia chromatherapy ophira tocom for chakra hunedoara Emraan Ll Farah, he said, because you have established yourselves in this world, and you have destroyed everything in the hereafter. So you would hate to transition
from that which you have established to that which you have destroyed. You build yourself up in this world, and you have left no currency for the hereafter. And so naturally, you would hate to transition from that which is established to that what you've done nothing for, from that which is known to that which is unknown. What does this have to do with our relationships?
You know, as people, we have this cognitive dissonance, where we will jump to those parts of our lives, where we feel like we are successful. And we will tank in those parts of our lives where we feel like we are failing.
What does that mean? You're doing well at work. But your family life is going down the drain. Your marriage is unraveling. But when you leave your household people tell you, you're amazing. you're successful. You're great. Your boss, Pat's, you on the back, your colleagues adore you, everyone adores you, you're a great friend, you're a great community member, you're wonderful outside of your home, but your marriage is unraveling. Instead of fixing your marriage. You continue to live in the adoration. Because it's established. Because you're sick, you've succeeded, and you continue to allow your marriage to tank.
You don't fix your relationships at home, even though that relationship is more important than the relationships outside of the home because you feel better and more established with those other relationships. Your parents are older and they're never you can never do enough for them. They think that you're horrible. And sometimes, yes, parents can be unfair. But instead of trying to repair that which is with my parents, I'm going to allow that to tank and I'm just going to feel better with all my other relationships. No relationship outside of your home. suffices you from dealing with the relationships inside of your home. No relationship with an outsider. No person who tells
you you're amazing outside or who makes you feel great on the outside or no relation.
tip that you've established outside gives you an excuse to destroy the relationship with your spouse. No relate, you know, Allah subhanaw taala has put priorities with these relationships, those that are inside your home, your parents, your spouses, your children. If you're messing up there, fix it, do your best to fix it, don't escape, we have to have congruency. We've got to have, you know, this establishment across the board. It can't just be always an escape from that which we're failing with. So dear brothers and sisters, the incentive is there. Allah subhana wa tada has placed upon us a mighty incentive, Allah subhana wa, tada has placed upon us the responsibility to make
things right, a responsibility to deal with those that are inside our homes with a certain accent, a responsibility to not let that extend that excellence be restricted to the home. But instead Let it be amplified outside of the home, but prioritize your relationships. prioritize your relationships. People come to me all the time. And they asked me, you know, I want to do this, I want to do that. This person doesn't like it, this person doesn't like it, what should I do.
And you know what, I'm going to be very real as well with our marriages. Sometimes, we marry people that our parents don't want us to marry. And guess what it's allowed. It's allowed. And sometimes it's necessary. And that's why there's a process in Islam to where it's necessary. So I'm going to be as balanced with this statement as possible in sha Allah tala, sometimes it is necessary. Because sometimes the restrictions are not Islamic. They are wrong. Sometimes they're racist, sometimes they are not proper conditions that are placed as a barrier between marriage and we need to solve the marriage crisis. But at the same by the same token, sometimes we form relationships with people over
two months. And we're willing to throw away 20 years of relationships with our parents just like that. I say, look, Have you even tried?
Have you even really given this an effort, we're too quick to walk away from important relationships in our lives. We're too quick to walk away from our spouses, we're too quick to walk away from our children. We're too quick to be unforgiving to our brothers and our sisters, we are too quick to walk away.
And when there are relationships that are important to you fight for those relationships. So even if a person had to go ahead and get married in a certain way, then they should still do whatever they can to salvage that relationship to make sure that that relationship as much as they can. So they can have that excuse with Allah subhanaw taala that I did my best. I did my best to try to keep all of that together. Now as people in melkonian Rahim, Allah said, we will always be unfair in our distribution.
You know what's amazing, he said, the worst person in the world, the worst person is someone that people don't even want to be around. People don't want them to be around because they are so harmful with their presence, that people don't even want your relationship. He said when you're a person of Exxon, and you're a person who's doing good, and you're a person who's loving and you're a person that's always treating people in a certain way, they all want you they're all tugging away at you. Who's the primary example of that? Who's the primary example Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam.
The prophets lie Selim walks out of his house. You know what happens? People are waiting outside his door.
Literally waiting outside his door, to accompany him right in his Salatu was salam to be with him. People are doing whatever they can to be with him. Salalah hardy he was Allah and the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam makes each and every single person feel special. It's amazing.
I'm gonna also the allow under the famous story says I told the profit slice I'm in front of the companions. So the auto soda law and I had been nasty, like who are the who's the most beloved of people to you? I'm gonna have an ask thought because of the way the Prophet slicin treated him. He thought that it must be him and the prophets license said I Isha.
I said, No, no, no, you're a Salah. I mean from the men. He said abou her her father, he's still connected to Aisha, not Abu Bakr, abou her, her father
in law who after that Alma, then he said, I just stopped because I thought he'd never get to my name. The profits I sent him made people feel that way.
So with that being said, Do you think the people in his home felt like they were neglected as a result?
Do you think that he shuffled the allowance data and have felt like the profit slice on wasn't giving her
her rights? No
She boasted and bragged about the attention the profit slice on Peter, as amazing as his attention was to detail outside to where he could make a man that wasn't even in his top 10 body alone who feel like he was his number one. That type of energy. And that type of attention to detail did not escape him when he came home. And he didn't make the people in his household feel like it was at their expense, that he would give all of his axon outside of his home. He gave it to them as well. So yes, I wanted more of the Prophet slice Allah. But she never accused the Prophet sly, some of not giving enough because his character was excellent. And on the last note, with the four minutes that
I have, you know, a lot of times dear brothers and sisters, when someone hurts us, or when we feel like we've been wronged by the other person, and why should I? Why should I initiate? Why should I try to reach out if that person hurt me? Why should I try to mend that relationship? They are at fault, and you know what? You could be right? But do you hold that? Do you want a lot to hold you to that same standard?
When you meet a loss of hundreds out on the day of judgment? Has Allah ever wronged you?
Has a lot ever wronged you, but you have wronged yourself by disobeying Allah subhana wa Tada. So it is not that you only mend with people that want to men that you only reconcile with people that want to reconcile, it's that you remove that grudge from your heart.
And you say, you know what, I want Allah to not hold me to anything on the Day of Judgment, I will forgive you. And I will reconcile, even though I think you're wrong.
And if I really have that exam, I'm not even going to remind you about how many times you were wrong.
I'm just going to let it go. For the sake of Allah subhanho wa, taala not abuse, no. But the transgressions and the things that often pick us apart and often drive us apart. You have family members that don't talk to each other over money. You have people that break lifelong relationships, sometimes sacred sanctified by a lot of the family bonds, because of a silly conversation. And you know what the key culprit usually is you want to destroy your relationship really, really, really quick. Let this be the medium by which you carry on your relationships, you will ruin them all one by one.
When you don't have serious conversations with people in person, and you restrict them to emails, and WhatsApp messages and take shots at people through Facebook. You know, it's like when husband and it's funny when husbands and wives are getting into debates or when husbands and wives are not going well. And the whole world knows it. Because you go online and you post about how husbands should be and how wives should be and everyone knows you're talking about your husband and your wife. That's not the way to fix a relationship. An email is not the way to fix a relationship.
A phone, a WhatsApp message or a text message is not the way to fix a relationship, learn to talk to people.
Carry your relationships like humans, without the robots in between without the technology in between. When we talk to each other without these, there's a llama. There's mercy. There is the natural human component. I can say things to you through this that I would never dare say to you in your face. Yet somehow I keep doing it over and over and over again. And I keep assaulting people with this little thing. And yes, it's an iPhone. If you have an Android, it's just a tannic, your words are so much worse. When it's not an iPhone.
I hope I get paid for them.
I need to stop resorting to this. And I need to resort to this.
And let people actually humanize one another and give people the benefit of a doubt. And your brothers and sisters when you hold grudges. You will only stop yourself from progressing. abdelkarim Rahim Allah says that when your enemy shoots arrows at you, and misses you, not only did he not strike you with his arrow, but you caused him to waste an arrow as well. So when people try to offend, and try to harm and you are unfazed and you're always able to go, I don't want to say when they go logo, you go Hi but you know you get the message. You're always able to overcome them and always able to be the better person and always able to be the one who shows up. Not only have you
not been struck by the arrow, you cause that person to waste an arrow to possibly reassess and to reevaluate the way they carry themselves. May Allah subhanho to Allah better all of our relationships. May Allah subhanho wa Taala never allow us
To be Abdullah havalim, the servant of God who wrongs and oppresses May Allah subhanho to Allah forgive us when we transgress May Allah subhanho to Allah forgive us when we treat those in our homes less than what we treat those outside of our homes. May Allah subhana wa tada grant us axon and excellence to those that are close to us and those that are far from us. May Allah subhanho wa Taala allow us people to be a people whose hearts are rectified and other hearts are rectified through their hearts. May Allah subhanho wa Taala allow us not to be held to any cruelty that we may have shown in this world and forgive it and overlook it. And may Allah subhanho to Allah have mercy
upon us and forgive us and placed us in the service of his creation for his sake. A llama amin does not malachite on Salaam Alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.