Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
Nouman Ali Khan delves into the topic of disputes between spouses which is sort of the norm these days.
Allah gave guidance to mankind and is unbiased in His approach. In this Ayah below, Allah has illustrated the responsibilities of men and women alike without any bias.
“Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband’s] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance – [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.”
Surah An Nisa, Verse 34
Men have been designated as the caretakers and the ones who strive and undergo labor to fulfill the needs of their wives in all manners – financially, emotionally and physically. On the other hand, women are expected to be good to their husbands, meaning that they should be the ones who should be a source of peace, calm, reconciliation, a voice of reason and reform. The husband should always look up to his wife to be a source of ending conflicts. They should also be the ones who should demonstrate an eagerness to do such acts that show their will to obey Allah SWT.
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and sent both of our parents to the earth he said something remarkable because the devil was being sent down at the same time. And he said a beautiful Babu calmly babbling How do all of you descend you are going to be enemies to each other, which means the devil is going to be the enemy to men and women and he's going to make sure that men becomes become enemies to women and women become enemies to men and men to each other, and women to each other. So the idea is that he will try to create as much animosity as possible in the shape on youngsville Robaina comm the shutdown is going to cause tension between you cause friction between you. And since the beginning of humanity until today,
human beings are suffering in their personal lives, in community in countries and in international politics with conflict, or all kinds of conflicts that human beings are engaged in every single day. Some of our conflicts are economic, for example, an employee fighting with an employer, the boss says you need to work more and get paid less. And the employee says no, I want to work less and get paid more. You know, the boss has less time off, the employee says I want more time off, the government tells people I want we want more taxes. When people say we want to pay less taxes, the government says we want to provide less services. People say less taxes and more services. There's a
tension between people in government and employers and employees. There's a tension between men and women in marriage and in social contracts and everything else, the rights between men and women and in all of these conflicts, you know, every side believes that they're right. And you know, for example, if there's a if there's a divorce case, or there's a conflict between a family, you know, two family members, and they go to a divorce court judge, if the judges are men, and the judge is a woman, it's gonna make a difference, isn't it because they can't, they can't help but be who they are. And if the judge himself or herself went through a divorce just two months ago, then when they
see the female judge sees the guy, she's not gonna see a man, she's gonna see her ex husband and she's gonna let it out. And you won't even know because human beings can't help themselves would be biased the same thing with a man, he'll have a bias against a woman and he may not even be conscious of it. The thing though, is that Allah azza wa jal gave us guidance. And he gave us guidance because he loves men and he loves women equally. He's concerned with the employer and the employee equally. He's the only one that truly can be a neutral party. Nobody else can be neutral. men can't be neutral. Women can't be neutral. You know, parents can't be neutral children can be neutral.
Children will say that parents have taken their rights parents with children have taken their rights. Everybody is going to look at things from their own point of view. And what's interesting is our greed can be so and our our need to just get our rights and what we deserve. It's so obsessive, that even when we come to our religion, what we do often is that we study the things that will benefit us.
So parents will look up all the places in the Quran that talk about parents rights, so they can quote it to their kids and say Allah says, well, meanwhile edenia sana, Allah says Be the best you can be to your parents, everybody wants to talk about their rights. Nobody wants to talk about their responsibilities. And then on the flip side, husbands will quote, Hadith and you know, that their wives and the wives will call or your nose or hobby yourself, and then they'll quote stuff at their husbands. So everybody wants to take a part of Islam, they can use as a weapon to slap somebody else with instead of taking responsibility themselves. The thing is, when we say what Kalamata law here
earlier, that the word of Allah is in the supreme place, it's in the highest place, then I have to put my needs and my wants and my bias and my feelings on the side, and put a last word above that. And if I if I'm not able to do that, and I don't understand the place of Allah's word, because my own bias and my own feelings are actually superior to Allah, his own words. So today, it's a difficult subject. And I know by the time I give him this football, some people be very upset. And that's okay, because I and I'm not saying that what the values that I'm trying to share with you today, I live up to or I'm an example of them, we're all struggling to try to live up to the word of
Allah. Right. So that's the my first acknowledgment that I'm not trying to portray myself as some sort of standard bearer, but the word of Allah is a mirror against we all we all have to look at ourselves against that mirror, and we have to see where we stand. And sometimes it's a difficult thing to look in the mirror, and to face something that you don't want to look at, you know, so that's, I pray that the intention of this hope is accepted for the good that it's meant for. And that is that you and I learned to look at ourselves that somebody else, you know, a lot of times when they give a hold by like this, when people are like, Hey, I wish my, my wife was here listening
to this, or I wish my husband was here listening to this. Well, no, no, no. How about you listen? How about the worry about somebody else? Who needs to listen, because in our head, somebody else needed to hear this, but we're good already. And you know, we tell ourselves, yeah, I do all that. Yeah, thanks for the reminder, but I'm already good. I got 100% on this. Other people need this advice really badly. That kind of self righteousness and that delusion that this doesn't apply to me, or this doesn't apply to you. That's dangerous. latos aku, enforcer calm. Allah says, Don't consider yourselves pure. But you don't need help. You don't need advice, or this advice is already
something you're living up to. Don't do that to yourself, who are the movie moneta, he knows better, who's actually conscious of Allah, not you, not even myself. I can even give that scorecard to myself, that belongs with Allah Himself. So this ayah is one of the most famous and also the end of this ayah is a big controversy in you know, in Quran studies and sociology, circles, etc. Because this is the famous ayah in which men may be allowed to hit women. Right, that's the end of this. ayah and I've talked about that concluding part of the ayah in many different lectures, but actually, my hope today is not about that portion of the ayah it's about the beginning of this ayah.
And in the beginning of this ayah, Allah opens his statement by saying xiaolu, our Muna, Allah nissa. Men are caretakers over women, men are caretakers over women, the word Hawaiian, has several meanings. And the first of its meanings como tal insurnace postnatally. He abajo like, it's the word of one means they are a source of stability for women. That's one of its first meanings, that men provide stability for women. Men are a way by which they are protected and protected not just physically or financially but also emotionally protected. So they're a place of security for them. And then how am I a Luca when when somebody committed to doing something, then the the verb karma is
used when they've made up their mind and they're going to do something, meaning men are committed to the care of women. Men are charged with the responsibility to protect and care for women, then allows them to you know what, in the use of this word, it's remarkable that this word we have to understand that it's sacred, because from the same letters cough while and meme, actually one of the other names of a lot derived from this word is Allahu La Ilaha Illa. Who will how you can you can you and Allah describes himself in the Quran is called Eman will test or even will kiss which is from the same origin. So Allah has used a word for men. That is actually it has some of the
attributes that allow uses for himself. So we have to understand what that means. When the Lord calls himself a young, he's saying he's the one that will young at Emory healthcare, he he's the one who plans things out and lays out an entire sequence of events for the his creation will insure him What is key him and to ensure that they're growing and to ensure that they're provided for meaning when men become a worm, they're doing their very best to have an actual plan for the women in their in their, you know, in their wing in their households. You know another place in the Quran. Allah describes married men as
A scene with Assad not with the scene with Assad mazzini that's actually same surah and that actually means to bring women inside of a fort. Meaning a fort is a symbol of protection, isn't it. And so if you once you get married, she's entered your fort, she's protected from all sides, she is protected from everything else and and afford to self sustain the food is provided for protection is provided for shelter is provided for everything's taken care of. And that's the idea of a motion and a woman, interestingly enough, are described as more Sunnat. women that are inside of the forts, meaning they don't like to go out of the for to, they want to stay within that fort. And they're
described as someone who accepts that role that the husband is playing. In any case, Allah then says Be my football Allahu Akbar, whom Allah about, and this responsibility of being in charge of the care and the needs and the protection. You know, for women, this responsibility comes on account of the fact that Allah decided that some will have preference over others. And this is important language, Allah didn't say we must follow the law whom Allahu Allah hinda. He said, Be my football, Allahu Baba whom Allah because Allah has given some preference over others, you know what that means? That means in some things, men have a preference, Allah has given them an advantage over
women. And in other things, Allah has given women an advantage over men, men have to take some responsibilities, if they're going to be the caretaker or the, you know, the provider, and you know, the protector and all of those responsibilities. That's actually a privilege Allah has handed over to women, you're not responsible for any of those things. And so Allah then opens it even further, and then talks to the men and says, will be my info cuminum Wiley him, and that's because of what they have to spend from their monies. Now, herein lies the key, Allah in the Quran did not talk exhaustively about marriage, like he didn't describe all the things that make a marriage work. There
are very few places in the Quran, where Allah give us some insights. And basically, it's like, instead of describing the entire building, he mentioned a few pillars. If those pillars are not there, the building's going to collapse, right. And one of those pillars is that the money responsibility is the man's responsibility, he better go find a job, he better go get some work, he better go and provide because that is actually what Allah has made him responsible for the word, the one in the beginning, is now being explained by the fact that men are financially responsible for the groceries for the car for the fuel for the electricity bill, for the school, you know, school
supplies for the kids, everything, everything. And that starts from the very beginning, when you get married, you're taking the responsibility of paying a dowry. Right. And some people, they love to have a high number for the dowry for their daughter, they say it's gonna be 100,000 or 50,000, or 250,000, whatever, they put this crazy number, and they're like, No, no, it's okay. You don't have to pay it now. Okay. But Michelle, we should have a number that looks good. And then people are married for 20 years, and the guy hasn't paid his salary. That's ridiculous. Because this is a condition of making a marriage valid. You can't put that off. You can't just keep kicking the can
down the road and a husband isn't even allowed to say to his wife, hey, by the way, can you give me a discount? I know you put 50 Can we take a few zeros off of that? Or how about I give it to you not dollars? Can I give it to you in rupees same number, you know,
you know, I'll give you an you know, Zimbabwean currency or something. I'll give you some other currency that you know cuz you know, come on, just go easy. I have a hard life. Look at all the things I'm doing can use a skill. If you agreed to it, then you signed on. If you didn't want to agree to it, then you shouldn't have never signed that document. You're actually not even allowed to hint that you have trouble paying, you're mad men aren't even allowed to hint at that. But in vanilla calm, and Nuff said men who say and after you pay the dowry, like if you if you're a monthly payments you're making you give her like $500 or something 100 bucks, whatever you give her. That's
part of your salary that you're paying off, and you pay her and you're like, fine, here's here's your monthly.
You know, this week was really tough this month was you can't make none of those comments. And if she takes those $100 from you, and then she takes out $1 bill and says here we go get yourself some ice cream. If she does that, then and you say Okay, thanks. You can take that if she did it on her own. But once you're handing out money, you're not even looking at that money anymore. It ain't yours. That's part of being a man. According to the Quran, it's part of being Rizal comun as an ISA. So you know when and the reason I was kind of one of the reasons I was pushed to give this lecture is because lots of people email me all kinds of questions. And there are many men around the world
whose wives are being told to go get a job and work well. They're sitting at home, Muslim men, and they're saying you have to obey your husband. What kind of ridiculous what religion is that? Allah has always made men responsible financially, and they can't even say you have to go and we were having a hard time unique.
I earn this or that, look, if there's a desperate situation and a wife decides to go get a job and support financially or do on her own, that's a voluntary thing she's doing that she cannot be told to do. And if she does that, if she does get a job if he does have a business, if her father left behind some stores or some property in her name, and you're like, hey, can Can we get some of that too? Because I'm your family? No, no, no, no, no, no, that's her money. You can't touch it alone made this equation in which she has a financial advantage, meaning your money is basically hers. And her money is hers. And you can't look at it. You can't keep your eye on it. You can say whatever
happened to that? What happened to that jewelry? What happened to that? No, no, no, no, that's not yours to touch. That's not yours to touch. And whatever you gave her, like you say, Hey, you know, on our 10th anniversary, I'm going to give you this car, that you know, once you gave her the car, it's her car. It's her You can't even take the keys and say I'm going no, you gotta get her permission. And she better give it on her own good freewill. No pressure, not even unspoken pressure, that you can touch that car because you gave it up. It's done. It's done. What are two Nyssa Ducati, hinden ethen, give women their gifts, happily and freely. Don't even think about them
again. Don't even think about them again. So this this financial sense that men are supposed to have is critical. And Allah mentions that as one of the first conditions of what makes a marriage work. What makes what makes them men, original cover Mona Lisa, B, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ba ma infomine unwieldly him, when they take that kind of responsibility, where the wife doesn't have to ask, Hey, we don't have food for groceries. We don't have we don't have money for groceries, we don't have this. Oh, I gotta give you again. You know, and for a lot of men, you know what they do? They feel that they owe financial responsibility, or financial help to their brother, okay to their
sister, to their mother and their father, who may be financially already taken care of, but you still want to give them but you're not giving financial needs to your wife and your children. That's not being a man. That's not being a man. And some people are in financial abuse situations, where I've even seen cases where the bank account is a joint account between the husband, the man and his mother. And the wife has no access to the account. What kind of what Islam did you learn? Where did you get this from? And the wife is being constantly told, by the way, that's our son. It's like, that's our property, you're just renting it.
You know, this is what what the wife is being told, if you wanted to act that way, then you should you had no business getting married. If you wanted to treat financially treat the spouse this way that you have no business being in the institution of marriage. This is a first and foremost principle. You know, there are people who give my hair, they give marriage gifts, or even at the wedding ceremony. They give lots of presents. And then a couple of days later, the guy's family says, Hey, can we have those back? We need them for our daughter's wedding.
Once you give it up, you've given it up. It's done with now let's flip to the other end. The sisters that are listening to this right now we're like yeah, finally about team ladies. Well, you know, allies, I told you in the beginning allies fair, there's a balanced equation a lot loves both sides, men and women, a lot older men, what responsibilities they have the rest of this, the hookah is actually the other side. What is what are the Okay, so mentors are responsible for all of this, and they better you know, drip their sweat, and break their backs, earning for a family and go through all of the labor that they need to go through to take care of them and provide for them and protect
them and take care of them emotionally and financially and physically and all of those things. Well, what are the women? Oh, then what? What's their side of this equation? Well, it starts with not you said men take care of women. And you were expecting that a lot will say women therefore do this, right? But instead of saying women, he said for Sally heart then in then as a result, therefore, good women, good women, he doesn't even say women he says good women as if Allah expects the first thing for women to be is good. Not not even women anymore. You must be good. And what does good mean in Arabic, the word solid comes from Sol. Sol means the opposite of fighting, the opposite of
corruption. Actually, when there's a conflict, then you want to make peace between two sides, you do so meaning women are the sort that what such wives are the source of ending all conflicts in the family. They are a source of peace and reconciliation. They are the reason tempers go down. They are the reason voices are lowered. They are the reason they are the source of calm. They are the voice of reason. There is a source of reform. If there is a conflict or some kind of tension, the first place that the husband looks to where when he turns to her things are going to settle down is going to be the life for some of you like seriously, because all the fighting is actually you're you're
telling me that the place we're at
Fighting starts for from is the place where it's supposed to end. Because I don't have any other raised health voices in my house except hers. And nobody else is angry in my house except her. So the guy is kind of the men don't take care of their end. And women don't take care of their end, and they become a source of great tension and conflict. A lot starts by saying that they are a source of reform. They are settled, they're calm, they're actually peace themselves, goodness themselves. They are the removal of all sorts of tension. That's the first quality. Then he says Connie Totten, eager to obey, and some have interpreted this as eager to obey Allah. And that is true, they are eager to
availa you know, they translate this is subservient, like cuando el kulula, the code belongs to Allah and Allah says como la high quality meaning have hulu's meaning have this kind of eagerness to obey only for the sake of Allah. But what is what in the world does that mean? That means what's that doing here? Because, you know, if one side was men should do this for women, you expect the rest of it to be women should do this for men. So why in the middle of that is Allah saying, Yeah, they should do this for men, but this part is for Allah. Well, the reason that's there is because women should remember that when they are being a source of calm, and when they are providing peace
and Sakina in the household, they need to realize the only one who can keep up keep a household calm is them.
And the only one who can truly set it on fire is them. They control the emotional, like, you know, you in your home, you have an air conditioner, control, that controls the temperature, women control the emotional temperature of a household, they control it. And they better keep it cool. Because this is an act of them obeying Allah Himself. This is out of their eagerness to obey Allah, they need to become a source of calm, you know, and they both need to do that commander taking care of them. And there being common return, you know, for some people, what happens in an abusive, emotionally abusive relationships, one person's calling, constantly saying, calm down, calm down,
it's okay. It's okay. Don't be angry, don't be angry. And the more you say that the other person know, well, don't talk to me, leave me alone, etc, etc. So one person has to be upset. One of them has decided the guy who's upset and she's trying to calm him down, or she's upset, and he's trying to calm her down. And they see that as a source of kind of controller power. Like, yeah, I got them. Now. If I come down, now, I don't get that many points. Let me get some more juice out of this, you know. So I'm going to keep this anger thing going to see how far I can take it. So this kind of putting someone in a subservient position. This is against what a large xojo wants. So Alonzo just
says Connie Totten, then he adds something another responsibility for women, he says, Have you locked only leave the guard, what is what is invisible, they guard the invisible. What does that mean? It means that the husband's out at work, they're not doing anything the husband wouldn't have wanted them to do. They're not talking to anybody who the husband wouldn't have wanted to talk to. They don't have any friends that the husband didn't approve of that they're not having any conversations that are behind his back. conversations that are private, between husband and wife are not being shared with her mother or her sister, or whoever else, because they're supposed to guard
that there's some there's a privacy between a husband and a wife. And just because you're having a car now if there's an abuse situation, and he's beating you, or he's cussing you or he's doing some crazy things to you, then you need to get somebody who can actually help not just somebody to talk to, but somebody who can come in and intervene that's talked about in the sooner or later on. But when it becomes a habit, I just need to talk to somebody and you're just railing on the husband, or you're sharing things that he asked you to keep private or you're doing you have connections or friends or associates or company or you're going to places where he would never have wanted you to
go to how'd you see had he seen you there he would have been really upset or really hurt and you're still doing that anyway and in your head. Well, he didn't find out so it's okay. Allah says hafi lot don't believe they have to guard what is invisible meaning part of the meaning is what is invisible to him. They have to guard that we might have fallen law because of what Allah ordained should be guarded. You see, now the equation is balanced on the one side a lot as I told men, you have to spend because Allah has put that responsibility on you. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba and Hakuna Matata him on the other side half you lotto nilgai BB Mahaffey la la. They have to guard what is in
the unseen because of what Allah has destroyed the side it's a guard. So they're not supposed to be keeping secrets from their husband. They're not supposed to be having, you know, you know, passwords on their phone and the husband says Can I see your phone now? Why?
I don't know. Hold on a second. Let me erase everything okay, now you can see
why there should be the the only one you can keep the you know, the private life of a wife is actually completely shared. You are they're the boss. They are your boss. There are no secrets between husband and wife. They're supposed to be completely open with each other. This will last a little while you send them with share secrets with his wives.
Asana view elaborately as well he had
when he shared a secret with his spouse, in his most private and most difficult moments, he turned to hurt. If you can't be each other's clothes, you know, when somebody is wearing clothes, there's nothing between the clothes and your body is there, your clothes, the inside of your clothes have no secrets between you and your yourself in them. That's the description of a spouse, a husband and a wife. So when you're not able to guard that, and what is meant to be just for the husband, and what is meant to be just for the wife is going somewhere else, then that's a violation of what women are supposed to do. And this is the these are just few things that I mentioned that this is actually how
the balance is maintained. Between the two sides are Rizal como una de la la, la la la la la, will be my infocomm in Bali. And on the other hand for salejaw to Canada don't have a lot too little ABB Maha Viva La, I know that I'm going to put this on social media, you know what's going to happen? But what about this? What about this? What about this? What if, what if he's crazy? What he What if he does this? What if she does that? Everybody's concerned about the abuse from the other side? And if there is abuse, it's real. I acknowledge that it's real. But you the what I wanted to elaborate first and foremost is how does he expect things to look? Not I expect? Or you expect? How does Allah
expect the relationship to look? What are some of its most fundamental pillars, that if they are not there, then they should be the first priority before anything else. Before we fix it, okay, marriage can have 100 problems, a family can have 100 problems. If these few things that I've mentioned are still a problem, then everything else is secondary, this is the primary This is the real issue. So this has to be worked on before anything else. And if this is not being resolved, this cannot be fixed. Then what is Alessi for in Clifton shikaka been Hema for so hakama min, le wahaca min. Alia, if you really think that this is a schism, like a canyon has opened up between them, and they can't
seem to figure out how to make this work. These these fundamentals aren't there, then you need to get someone counsel worthy of counsel, some wise person, some sensible person that can represent her side her from her family, and get somebody representative from his family and get them to talk it out. Nobody else should get involved. Nobody, this is not a common. This is not a dinner conversation. This is not some interesting subject at the party, you know, those who are having trouble, this is not for anybody else. This is one responsible person who cares who understands things. And he's not emotionally all over the place, not an angry person from her family, one comms
level headed person from his family. And they can have you know, a mutual meeting to try to figure things out, if things work out, okay, if things don't work out, that's okay, too. That's okay, this is how things are supposed to be solved. This is how hatred is not created. And you know what happens a lot of times, people remain in broken marriages, and they don't get anybody involved and don't fix what's broken, and they develop hatred towards each other. And then they when that hatred is towards between husband and wife, the children see it. And they learn that this is normal. It's normal for mom and dad to talk this way. So when those kids grow up, and they're going to be
married, Guess how they're going to talk to their spouse, that's what they learned. That's the schooling they got at home. So when you don't have that piece at home, you're actually passing that chaos down to the next generations. And you and it's a subconscious kind of learning. You know, when when children learn from what they see, that is never forgotten. What they learned in classroom, you forget your you know, you guys, when you were kids, you don't remember what your teacher said in the class. We remember one thing, but you know, what your parents used to do at home, you remember, you remember that you still as adults, you remember that? Because that that leaves an imprint on a
person's personality. So this isn't just about even a husband and a wife. It's about the legacy we're leaving behind that the you know, the the tranquility that's supposed to come thereafter, I genuinely pray that those of you that are married, husbands and wives are able to really look at themselves and recognize whether or not they're fulfilling their responsibilities, as Allah wants them to. And I genuinely hope if you are, if you do find yourself in a very difficult marriage situation, that you're able to find somebody to confide in, from your side from your family. And if there's nobody reasonable in your family, because that happens sometimes. Maybe all y'all crazy.
That happens, you know, everybody's crazy, then you have to find somebody who can at least represent your side reasonably, and speak on your behalf. Because if you keep suffering from abuse silently, then you are actually you're part partly responsible for what's happening, and not just to you what's happening to your children and future generations. Right. And because it's not okay to live in resentment with somebody else. It's not okay to look at somebody else and remember all the hurt they caused you all the time. It's not okay to not be at peace. The fundamental purpose of marriage was Lita, schooner. Ilaha. before Allah mentioned love before he mentioned care, my word dorama. He
said, The first purpose of marriage is so you can find peace with each other. When you look at someone, you just calm down and relax. Like finally I'm in a safe place. Finally, this is a place where I'll be dignified.
I won't be humiliated. I won't be reminded of my past mistakes I won't be I'm completely at ease because I'm in the presence of my spouse, husband or wife. If that's not there, then that needs to be there. And if that's not if you're not able to get there yourself, then you need outside help and professional help at that. melara xojo allow us the opportunity to fix broken relationships and to do what's best for ourselves and our families. May Allah azza wa jal allow us and give us the risk of seeking the right kind of help to mend the ties that are being broken. barakallahu li walakum Hakeem, when it finally will be it will be again
hamdu lillahi wa salatu salam ala Dina Safa Susana, Abdullah Mohammed Ibrahim, Mohammed Al amin, Allah Allah He was a huge man called Allah azzawajal.
Allah He ministered in Allah Allah Allah, Allah who soluna Allenby yeah you Hello Tina amanu sallu alayhi wa sallam, Buta Sima Allahumma salli ala Muhammad Ali Mohammed Tomas Allah tala Rahim Allah Allah, Allah Allah mean in the Camino Majeed Allahumma barik ala Muhammad Ali Muhammad
Ibrahim Ali Ibrahim A Florida man in the middle Majeed about Allah Rahim Allah Allah in La Jolla
in Korba when hanifa you will Moncure what are the Corolla Akbar? Allahu Allah matters now. I'm going to Salah in the salata cannot be Nikita makuta