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The Halal Way Of Approaching A Girl You Like
Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
File Size: 10.25MB
If a man wants to get married, and he has decided to propose to a particular woman, then he may go to her guardian on his own, or with one of his relatives such as his father or brother, or he may delegate someone else to propose marriage on his behalf.
Episode Transcript ©
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Start with the most fun question, what's the halal way of approaching a girl you like?
Even though that's Question number 12.
I thought you know.
So this is more complicated the mean we've made it more complicated then the Sahaba.
So the Sahaba were simple people. And they came from a very rebellious society, where men and women did all kinds of things and nobody cared. And then Islam came. And I want to give you some background here. You know, in in Medina when the Sahaba migrated, the Mahajan were bankrupt, nearly right, they left everything behind.
And Medina was a crazy place right now it's Madina, munawwara. Medina, back then was Las Vegas. It was bad. When the Prophet winterplace. For them, it was not a good place. Okay, you have to understand it was a crazy, crazy society. For instance, one of the most common industries in the city of Medina was prostitution. When the Prophet moved, there's loads of them. And the women that were there were brothels like prostitution houses, they used to have flags outside their house, that this is a place you can come for those kinds of things.
And a companion comes to the profit slice on him. And says he also a lot. There's a woman, because he doesn't make any money in the margin. There's a woman, she makes good money, I'd like to marry her.
And what does she do?
Oh, well, you know, she's in the
you know what I'm saying?
I'm not gonna spell it out. You know why I'm telling you this. Because I have I didn't even know that's a bad thing yet.
They were also learning where they, they didn't become angels overnight. They were being developed. And so he doesn't even think and imagine you come to this little line ask this question. Can you imagine somebody coming to any mom today and saying, hey, so.
And then the IRS came? No, you cannot marry those kinds of women in certain news. Like revelation came to teach Sahaba and teach the believers look, those are not the kinds of people you want to marry, they are their own, you know, don't mix with them. You know, like, you know,
like Malala, and his stuff seen that is referring to professional prostitutes that will not marry as it is referring to them. Because the question was actually raised. I wanted to bring this up to you. Because for them, you would think that, you know, if the Sahabi saw a woman from a mile away, he went the other way and made a stepfather the whole night. No, it wasn't like that. they interacted with each other, they talk to each other, they worked with each other. They were in business partnerships. All kinds of interactions happen between men and women, but with principles. It was respectful, it was dignified. And when a companion when when somebody likes somebody else, you know
what they did? Here's the little love part. Here's what they did, hey, I like you
want to get married?
And she'd say,
maybe talk to my dad.
It's okay. And then you go to them and say, Hey, I like your daughter.
And she's, I mean, I talked to her she's not entirely opposed to the idea. Is it cool? And he says, Let me talk to my daughter.
how this happens today, in London.
As you go to a girl, respectfully, hey, we work together for three years.
Would you consider marrying me?
And she's like, oh,
maybe she says, Please don't talk to my dad. He'll kill me.
Because if you talk to my dad, they'll say this is why you go to work. This is why we send you to uni. Like
you fathers. I have four daughters. I have four daughters. Listen, those of you that are fathers that have daughters, you sent your daughters to university. You brought your daughters to this country. You made them live you You brought you took them outside in society, you made that decision. And when somebody like a Muslim likes them, that's a good thing.
How are we gonna get married sitting at home?
Who's gonna like them? So when somebody approaches them in a respectful way, you should not say oh my god, the day has come.
You know, getting addicted to tobacco.
You know what a humiliation. Now we have to go take you back into Bangladesh and hide you in a village somewhere because some guy likes you a stock vanilla, you know, and there's the
You know, Rukia on her and calm down, it's okay. You're somebody likes your daughter, that's a good thing. Now you go and investigate, find out. It's completely fine. The only rishta mentioned in the Quran. The only approach mentioned in the Quran is that a booster and he said
he was by himself. He was by himself. And these girls were by themselves working outside. And he went up to them and helped them out. And the girl said, He's kind of nice.
And she could, she went back to her dad and said, hire him, which means Come on, dad. You know.
And that happened, the girl said, I like the guy. That's actually what happened in the story.
And the father can propose unless he has the approval of his daughter.
So it's okay for your girls to see that there's this guy. This brother at the MSA. Yeah.
He doesn't have a Thursday halaqa is really good. You should come. Your daughter's telling you something. It's okay. Go attend the Hanukkah.
It's okay. Find out. Don't complicate this. There's nothing in dignified about that. Don't go date a girl now. And then take also the one who should go to dinner? No, no, no. Not that either. But can you have respectful interaction with someone you're interested in for marriage? Absolutely. Absolutely. Nothing wrong with that. Can you take your time to understand each other's likes and dislikes? Yes, it's fine. respectful. courtship is okay. With parental guidance. With in dignified fashion. There's nothing wrong with it. So what happens is we have two extremes. We have people that are more conservative than the Sahaba.
And then we have people that are more liberal than liberals.
Okay, and Islam is right in between, it's a natural way. It's a completely natural way. Okay. And so this is something that I thought it's important to mention for families and for yourself, talk to your daughters. Ask if they like someone.
Don't create a between fathers and daughters. There should be open communication, they should not be terrified to tell you that they're interested in somebody. Don't force them to marry someone they don't want to. Don't force your daughters and tell them if you don't marry this one who's gonna come and marry you? And you have to we already said yes to them. Don't humiliate the family and say no, no, those kinds of dicots are Haram. I will say they're wrong. You cannot emotionally and psychologically forced a girl to get married under family pressure, that is baffling.
And that happened at the time of the prophets. I saw them and the prophets, I'm considered those because they are invalid. Because until the girl genuinely likes the guy and says, Yes, I want to marry him on her own. From no pressure from her father, no pressure from her mother, no pressure from anybody else. He likes them. And even if the day of the kneecap she says, Mom, I don't want to do this. The mother doesn't say too late girl too late.
We've got the hall there. Although What are people gonna know if the girl says I don't want to do this, then no style. Like that gave her that right. You cannot take it away. You're burying them alive. This is the new way of burying women alive. By the way. Back then they used to take the baby girl and then now we bury them at the day of the niqab. This is what we do. This needs to stop. Let them marry who they want. If they're a dignified Muslim, and because now you're living in a different society, you won't find someone from the same village It's okay.
It's okay. As long as he can marry a Syrian it's fine.
No, no. It's okay. for Syrians to young. Syrian.
Turkish. Somali. Somali, yeah, Somalia, Somalia, that's fine.
You know, Musa alayhis salam is an Arab. Messiah is an Arab, or actually not a No, he's from Israel. And he married an Arab. He went in very muddy and didn't he
so many herbs? Are we only Mary Arab? Really Masada was actually we saw him
suffer that, you know.
It's all good.
So it's it's a time now. It's a strange time that we live in. And actually the only thing that can save us is the basic principles of our Deen and getting facilite. Making the path to marriage easy, is actually one of the greatest battles against shaytaan when we make the path to marriage difficult when you have 28 3030 I'm not going to do other questions forgetting let's just talk about this. What am I gonna do? We're gonna have 35 year old boys not married.
You What do you think they were doing for 35 years?
What planet Do you live on?
They didn't do anything wrong. Nobody even thought when in their head. They didn't go to university. They didn't go to work.
2829 year olds not being married. This is ridiculous. It's absolutely absurd. It's unacceptable. It's unacceptable. And we create standards that don't exist in our in our religion, and don't make any
Since you have three daughters, four daughters, somebody proposed for the younger daughter, and no proposal came for the older daughter. No, no, no, no, no, we go in order.
Who said you go in order? We should not? If there's a good blessing that came to your home for whichever age, how would you deny it? What will people say? What will allow say, when you explain yourself to him and say, I deprived my daughter of a good nikka? Because it wasn't an order. What will you say to Allah, you tell me that?
What are you going to do? Ridiculous. This nonsense needs to stop. Marriage needs to be made easy. And the guy sign because Hindu tradition says the guy is the gift. So the girl side has to give him gifts.
Islam came in said the man has to give what
the man has to give a gift to women is a gift to the family. And now we do in Pakistan, India, Bangladesh, Southeast Asia. No, no, we don't want j Hayes. We don't want gifts from the girls side. But there should be something at least a fridge.
That that is the opposite of what Allah commanded. That is the opposite of what Allah commit, you're not only disobeying the law, you're reversing what Allah said.
asking to pay to be gifted because you're the girl. You know, the the guy side.
That's like way beyond Hello, I don't even know what the category that belong in the chat box is giving you like five stars for that one.
Do not fall into that category.
Don't give your daughter in laws and your wives gifts and then ask for them back.
Now this is happening. They'll give them jewelry at the wedding. No, that was just for the photos.
Really, Eliza was able to describe this. You know who she
is no, Marina, don't take a single thing from the spouse that you've given to them. Are you taking a huge accusation against your own self and taking clear sin on yourself? When you agree to a map?
You know, nowadays the fashion is they don't discuss the matter until the day of the nikka or the minute of the nikka. Before then when the matter comes up, there's a large family it's okay, we'll work it out. Okay.
And then the time comes, and then the girl saw as 50,000.
Look, the guy was poor guy was eating video didn't get stuck in his
and then his uncle was presidency. It's okay. Nobody pays it.
If you have no intentions of paying, your nigga has developed.
If you have intentions of asking your wife to forgive the man, you're committing a grave sin.
You can't even ask for a discount.
You cannot you're not allowed.
You can't and you can't give it when you know you decide. She decides when it's given as her rights. That's what validates the marriage don't agree to a man you can't afford. Don't agree to a man have you can't you have no intention of paying don't agree to a vow that you intend to get forgiven? Or if you love me, you would have forgiven it. Why do you Why does money have to prove that I love you? Because it's mad.
Because you can't use that kind of language for in Terminal commands.
If they are their own freewill out of the goodness of their own heart, decide to give you some of it. Like you gave the the you know, the 1000 for the month to her of the house and she says here's here's two pounds, get yourself an ice cream. That's up to her. She wants to do that she can do that. But you cannot that's not your money. That is not your money. These things why am I highlighting these random things? These are the things that we have introduced into the institution of marriage making marriage difficult. And when you make marriage difficult, the door to Zina is wide open.
The door to corruption is wide open.
It's unnatural to think that an 18 year old 1920 year old guy girl are going to be in university and they're going to be there for five, six years and not develop any emotional attachments.
And then for them to randomly marry a cousin back in Lahore.
That's not gonna happen. And if it does happen, it's a form of oppression because she's emotionally attached to somebody else. And no man wants to be with a woman who's emotionally attached to somebody else, or vice versa. It's oppression. Sometimes you're denying and nica only because it wasn't you. You didn't come up with it. The guy says I liked the girl. No, you will pick you will marry who we say
why? Who said it's a mistake. I don't like it.
I don't like that girl. That's not your problem. That's his problem. He's an adult. Now let him make that mistake. If it's a horrible mistake, so
It, but Allah gave those young men and women the right to pick who they want. Parents can give advice. Yes. But when you try to control what your children are doing, it will only lead to disaster. It will only only lead to disaster. I'm not giving license to 12 year olds and 14 year olds is it?
I'm talking about mature adults. I mean, I've met young women that are 2526 year old accomplished in their careers, pharmacists, physicians, you name it, and they like somebody and they want to marry them. family says no, that is absolutely nothing else can describe it. That is, if a woman says she wants to marry someone, and he's a Muslim, there's no reason for you to stop it. You have no right as a family to stop it. This is wrong of you to do, you're abusing a right Allah gave you abusing it. It should it should not happen. And for young men last bit of advice is for young men become men. earn a living, be dignified, don't offer like dates for men.
So how we used to get what in what other things are us a hobby
other than the kid can you want to give for men? You
know, dignify you know, earn a decent living for yourself? Those that I like her I don't have a job. But I don't know. They're only her family's only interested in dunya. Yeah, that's why we have matter.
only interested in dunya. You're supposed to be concerned about dunya to win attention to Ciba, caminetto. Don't Don't forget the portion you are owed in this life.
It's a worldly decision to it's not just a spiritual decision. How was how is somebody going to provide for my daughter? Where's she going to live? Is she going to live a decent life? These are respectable questions. These are decent questions. So these things we have to take very, very seriously in our communities. And when it comes to the subject of marriage, I didn't talk today about what happens after marriage because there's a whole set of voting we do after marriage, that for another time, I'll yell at you another time. But right now, let's just fix fix the institution itself. Let's make marriage easy for our young people, especially the ones that are ready and
capable, you know, Minnesota I mean, come with data
on us capable, let them get married, capability capabilities. They're no other barriers should be there. And for those of you that will find this controversial, it's okay. I'm leaving here anyway, soon so that you you deal with it and trolled me on the on the on online. So I'll tell you if you're if your son wants to marry somebody who just took Shahada yesterday,
right, or the girl wants to marry a guy who just became Muslim a week ago or something? And he said, Well, he only became Muslim because he wants to marry the girl. It's not a real Shahada. Who decides what a real Shahada is?
Can you tell why something happens?
When Osama you know the famous narration of Osama came that he was about to kill someone in battle. In battle, he's about to kill someone and the guy false, loses the enemy loses his sword. And he's about to strike him down. And he says a Chateau de la de la jolla. He took Shahada became Muslim.
Did he become Muslim? Because when he fell down, it hit him really hard on the head. And all of a sudden, this alarm started making sense. He's like, hold on a second. I think that we need to stop this and I'm ready to be Muslim. Now.
Obviously, he took Shahada because he knows Muslims. Don't kill them further.
So he took advantage of the opportunity because he's losing if he was the one on top, he wouldn't have taken Shahada Woody.
So he's on the vitamin E take Shahada, and Osama sees it and says she's here, right?
And when that happens,
this news reaches the Prophet
that he is it obvious like 1,000% the guy took Shahada for the wrong reason. It's obvious to anybody who sees it. The Prophet says, What will you do when that light comes for you on Judgement Day?
That's what the prophet said. That Shahada will complain on judgemental, I wasn't respected.
And that's in the most obvious of cases, when somebody says they've taken Shahada. Who are you to question their reasons? That's between them and
that's okay. As a matter of fact, even among the Sahaba there were those somebody said, I want to marry you and the woman was Muslim and the guy was a non Muslim. And she said, You're not Muslim. To become Muslim. She says, Okay, fine. And
he married he took Shahada for a woman Yeah, but the Prophet was okay with it. Why are you have a problem with it?
The summer is okay, you're more sunny than the sun.
You know. So what you need to do now, what you and I need to do is understand that we are in a challenging time.
Our children are exposed to the worst kinds of haram are no big deal now. They're accessible. They're easy. And they're not hard to fall into. And in that environment when the opportunity for nica is there, please, it is a grave crime for us to deny that opportunity to consider, of course, give your children advice. I think this is a bad nicop For this reason, this reason, this reason, but the decision is yours.
The decision is yours, you have to share some advice and you know, you do, but at the end of the day, they'll have to make their decision. And if it was a bad decision, so be it. It's that's okay, too. That's their their mistake to make. That's a better mistake than the mistakes they will make outside of marriage. You understand that? Right? And that you won't even know about and you will tell yourself, no, no, my son, my daughter, they would never really, really because because you come from like an angel family. Your son and daughters don't have hormones. They don't have emotions. They don't have attachments. They don't have obsessions. They don't have temptations they do. Don't
be deluded into thinking. He's a good boy, though. He prays Yeah, what is prayer going to do?
Well, let's pray. You say nothing hard. In fact, that works to an extent.
But what created us with a fifth or you're denying that fitrah so this I know I went on a rant but I felt like I had to do it a lot, as always helped make marriages easy for our community and bless the marriages that are happening in our lives and then give the husbands the strength of character and the understanding to be good husbands and wives the kind of commitment, loyalty and understanding to be good wives and thus raise wonderful families. barakallahu li walakum. That's the end of the question and answer session. So I'm ready. Come on.