Channel: Nouman Ali Khan
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saramonic una casa
al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu was Salam O Allah say to them via email mousseline louder and he was happy at mine. Apollo subhanho wa Taala Philadelphia Karim bada Nakula odo Billahi min ash shaytani r Rajim Walla determine Noma Fabiola la hubba hubba Baku Mahalia,
Regina Cebu mactan Cebu Wali Nisa, in Cebu mimic the seven was a law firm in probably in the LA County coalition in Alabama.
He saw that he was silly Emily was no Dr. Melissa de Cali. I mean, no, but I mean,
inshallah, before I share with you some things about the ayah that I've picked for this talk,
I want to tell you guys something about myself. And my mom said, Raj, back in college.
This is like 9899 2000 time, I used to be in an MSA in New York City and brew college. And you know, how MSA has club hours. We had club hours on Thursdays. And we're in New York City, and of course, as much as it is in Brooklyn. So a couple of us guys would go on Wednesday night because we knew there's no way to catch your mom said Raj. That time on the phone. It's impossible. So we used to go to my [???] duck walk for like vote
kind of class or two and go No, don't recommend it. So gold got overheard. And just go up to the desk. The security desk has a really big scary brother there and so is in there. We have to ask him something about our MFA.
Waiting the masala brother. Okay, so Qualcomm's mom's garage, guys, let's wait till
it alasa, Missouri. Mom's here
to talk to you. We've been here since
Could you please come to our program tomorrow, there's going to be like four of us there but doesn't matter.
If you would consistently every time we came and we dragged him, he would come consistently to our programs, even if there was six people sitting there for people said it didn't matter to him. He just he just did it for us. He was this father figure for us. And ever since then, and this is before I could grow a beard, by the way, mind you, okay? So ever since then, he's been picking on me at conferences, consistently. He does not stop and he has the right to do it. So I'm not complaining. Cuz you know, I'll be like, I love you know. I mean, I really, really love you.
But this is easier on me. You know what he used to do back in the day, I'd be sitting back in the audience somewhere. And in the middle of his talk out of nowhere, we're not men.
I know, you hear?
But anyhow, what I wanted to talk to you about in these few minutes, and shallow tarla is, you know, why am I have to give you guys credit for picking the weirdest titles for speeches? You know, you've you've beat the MSA and you beat other conferences in strange titles. I believe I can fly. Are you serious?
First time, is this gonna be about drugs? or What is it?
And this, the title of this speech for me, apparently is I love you, bro.
So you can just basically take that anywhere you can. But I will take into what I think is an appropriate discussion and an important one, especially for young Muslims. Some of the older Muslims here have suffered as a result of not understanding and internalizing some of these things in their life. Look, I say this in a lot of my talks, but the most important relationships you have are the ones that are not in public. The most important relationships you and I have are inside our homes, in our private lives. And even if you have a great reputation outside, if you are a horrible, you're have a horrible relationship with your own brother, your own sister, your own parents, your own
close friends, you don't have good relations with them, you end up in an argument with them very, very quickly, very easily, you lose your temper with them, or they lose their temper with you. Or you notice that everybody in your family is usually upset with you for some reason, then there's a problem. That it doesn't matter what people on the outside think of you that's all hollow and that's empty, because those are not relationships, those are acquaintances. They're just people that know you know about you, they don't know you, the people that know you aren't happy with you. That should tell you something about yourself. That should tell me something about myself. And that's something
that really needs a lot of work. And I tell you in Islam, we talk about big things and we sometimes overlook what we think are literal
things but Allah doesn't let us do that in his or on.
You know, we talk about Islam coming to all of the world and institutions and universities and big visions and I share those visions. But at the same time our Deen makes us start at the level of the individual forces us to fix the situation inside the household first, so we can build a better society. Our Dean teaches us that the building block of a good society is the Family First, the ducks going together.
You know, the geese I'm sorry, the geese.
They're going together.
So on that note, I want to share something with you. Something about jealousy. Something about jealousy. What is the first murder that happened in human history? Anyone? No. Call it out.
I have over five minutes. Okay, I'll hold this closer. Go ahead. Tell me first murder in history.
Have you done COVID an act of jealousy.
An act of jealousy between siblings. Yes.
Even before that crime, the first sin or the first act of direct disobedience to a law that we know of can also be found rooted in jealousy, the jealousy of employees against other
jealousy is serious business. Jealousy, serious business. And jealousy is so powerful that even if you come up in a good household, Yakov alayhis salam is an awesome father. I cannot question his parenting I can't. As a matter of fact, and I've said this many times before, when the Quran talks about role model fathers, it keeps going back to yaku barnies. Salaam
jacoba. ism is highlighted as a model for fathers and how you're supposed to be with your children. And yet, even in that amazing, beautiful household. That is three generations of prophets. Ibrahim alayhis salaam is Hakone salam, yaku Vani salam, and then their sibling Yusuf Alayhi, salaam, fourth generation to even in that household trouble makes its way as a result of what jealousy between siblings between siblings sibling rivalry they call it nowadays right?
Now tell me this. I mean, how many of you have siblings By the way, just so I know who I'm talking to okay much or Muslims? They can pretty much all of us have siblings.
We don't do single child that's just not our style.
Like only one Aren't you bored? You know?
with our as our children, children are coming up and as I came up, and as you come up, sometimes dad gets angry at you. First thing that goes in your head. How can we get that get mad at him? He's always picking on me. How can my mom keeps telling me why can't you be more like your sister?
I hate her.
And now I hate her even more because mom wants me to be like her I can't stand her.
And that's that rivalry grows and it just and you have friends as you grow older, you have friends outside and your sister walks into the room as you get out of here is my friends. You can't have any of those.
And then when your friends leave the house you will you talking to my friend?
Don't talk to my friends.
You know what's gonna happen?
rivalry between sisters, rivalries between brothers, you know, always fighting over stuff. Yo, bro, that's my shirt.
Do you beat each other up? And then of course dad comes in. And because we are Mashallah Muslim fathers are awesome. They'll do one of two things. One, they'll punish the guy closest to them.
And that's one like justice system in the Muslim a command.
That's one and two. And two, this is also a pretty amazing, no, no, we should have equal rights. So let's gather the entire extended family and punish all of them. Because
And as you're all getting punished you blamed that was because of his.
I can't stand him. As you know, in childhood, these things are funny, but they grow and they grow and they grow. And eventually you're going to have a family of your own. And you're not going to be calling your brother or your sister.
Because of some things that would have been brewing for a very, very long time. I tell you now, as a matter of fact, as a matter of fact, I think one of the people that understands me better than anybody else, I can talk to her. When I can't talk to even my mom, I can talk to her sometimes about some things my wife, nobody will understand, like my older sister.
And she's very different from me. We're like polar opposites. We get on each other's nerves.
We do. But when it comes to certain things, the I know the only one that will understand what I'm saying is her. And she knows the only one that I'll understand what she's saying is me. So we call each other and talk about that stuff. You know, siblings have to have a lot of love for each other. And you It's amazing, you know, something's a lot put inside of us, you'll be beating each other to death. At home, like you two guys pounding each other. And then you go to school and somebody says something about your little boy, which is abominable, as marble, I get to punch him in the face. You don't even
you don't have my brother like that.
You know, you're so protective of him on the outside. It's time to start being protective of your siblings inside the home too. They have to be your best friends. Fighting is gonna happen it's event it's it's it's inevitable. But jealousy should never be there. This is a little bit of a quarrel here and there. That's a natural part of growing up. It's there's nothing wrong with it. I don't say there's anything wrong with it. You know, but there has to be a healthy atmosphere. A lot of you parents are worried because you're noticing your siblings to all they do when they talk is they fight all every time they interact. They're upset with each other. You know, as you don't want any
deep to be around and with girls. It's even more complicated. It's really complicated with girls. My girls will tell me about she looked at me.
Okay, okay, okay, come Don't come. Don't look at her.
I wasn't looking
She always says I'm looking at her
But these are some some level this is natural. But at another level, you know what happens? Mom loves her more mom loves him more. Dad always praises him and always puts me down. My failures are a result of the love I don't get.
I messed up because of that guy. You know, my, my little brother went to med school and I'm still like, you know, super duper awesome senior.
You know, trying to figure out what major I'll be. I'm 28 years old. I'm like, I'm not sure what. You know. I met those guys. I've met those 2829 year olds. So you've been in college? Yeah.
So what's your major? I don't know. I decided to change it. How many times bro
you know and then if you get deep into a conversation, you know my brother. He's just he's really smart. And you know, Allah gave him the good genes. He apparently he gave you a gin and give him genes. Right?
Don't blame your inadequacy on somebody else. And the easiest target is your sibling or your parent. My parents didn't give me enough love. I didn't they didn't do this for me. They didn't do that for me. Stop blaming others as much as you do. macadam excuses are nothing but lies. That's all they are. So let's let's listen to what Eliza has to say. Very powerful statement. When I determine no one at a time I know ma Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba, ba ba
And by the way I just before I tell you what the ayah means where it is inserted. This is also remarkable. Right before this ayah Allah was talking about major sins, major sins. Allah says right before this ayah in destiny bukoba Rama to
look after an ethical
dilemma. If you were to be able to stay away from the major sins, Kaaba, Yamato Havana and who the major the big deals of the things that you have been forbidden from murder Riba, hello, Iran consumption, those kinds of things. If you can stay away from that big stuff, I'll forgive your sins no Kaffir uncomfy article, we will bury away from you your evil deeds, one over the hill como Talon kariba and look at the language we will enter you into a gracious entrance. In other words, the gate itself, you could say the gate will be gate beautiful in paradise. You could say the gate is gonna be grand is gonna be big. Allah says no, the gate will be Noble. In other words, anybody walking
through it is being honored. They're being like, you know, inaugurated, they're being commemorated as they walk in. So honor is mentioned dignity is mentioned. And in the very next ir a lot of talks about people that have low self esteem, they don't have enough respect for themselves. In the previous aisle. I said, I want you to go through a noble gate multilane Kadima, an entrance that is noble in and of itself and the next one that Amanda Malala Habiba Kamala bow. don't wish for the things I love favorite others with some over others. Allah gave some of your sibling better physical strength. He gave you a better intellect he gave him a more mathematical mind. He gave you a more
you know creative mind artistic mind. You know what is going on?
It's pretty awesome.
I do some kinds of extreme sports this year at the time anyway. You know?
sibling rivalry back there. Okay.
So, what I'm trying to get across is Allah forbade us from wishing, I wish I could be taller. I wish I was the older brother. I wish I was like my sister, I wish I was this I wish I was what Allah has given you is good. It's a favor from Allah, and wishing for something else is actually a negation of Alhamdulillah.
When you when I say Alhamdulillah we're grateful to Allah for what he has given us, not what we wish he gave us. Now what we wish it 100 Allah already is a statement of self esteem. You're already grateful, happy content with what Allah has given you with what Allah has given me. Don't try to be somebody else. Just be yourself. Just be yourself and acknowledge that what you have is a gift from Allah Zoltan. And then he even add sometimes this happens between brothers and sisters. You know, my brother gets to go outside. I don't get to hang out late at night. My brother gets to do everything. I don't get to do anything. The sister says, Allah says nearly jolliness evil mimic Tessa boo. Well,
in Nisa, no Cebu, minmatar sobre. For men, they have a portion from what they're going to earn for women, they're going to have a portion from what they are going to earn and nothing more. In other words, you what you get in this world is trivial compared to what you're going to earn with a law would you have to earn with the lights equal opportunity just work on getting the law, the pleasure of Allah.
And so one of the last things I want to share with you on this issue, because I'm telling you, this can really destroy a person. If you don't pay attention to this. You can become obsessive. You can become so obsessive that every time you think about your problems, you don't think about yourself, you think about who to blame other than yourself for your problems. And it's usually someone in many cases that you're jealous of.
It's very peculiar that ensued use of I was telling you about the story of jealousy, right? The aspect of jealousy between Youssef and his brothers, is very peculiar that when use of his brother's spoke, the Quran records their speech and in the in Allah recording what they said, he basically psychoanalyze them. He gave us the entire psychological profile of these kids in like a sentence. You can you got these kids figure it out. You know what they said, you know, there are a bunch of guys.
And they don't begin with it just defining themselves. They begin with defining the problem they have in their life.
They use sufu, who are who Habu, Elena Mina, Mina Mina, and then they define themselves. Why not Nosema? My goodness, Yousef, and his brother, dad loves them way more than he does us. And we are a strong bunch of guys. Instead of saying we're a strong bunch of guys, how come dad loves them more, they couldn't even talk about themselves first, you know why? Because they're so obsessed with their object, this object of jealousy. It's so invaded their minds, whenever they get together, they talk about that.
You know, it is a very serious problem, because what this does, is it never allows you to grow and never allows you to become a better person just to come out of your shell. They're constantly living in the fake shadow of somebody else. And you put that shadow there yourself. Nobody else did that for you. You know, when
and then of course, the blame doesn't stop at your sibling. If you say my sibling is better than me smarter than me then the next thing is my parents must have been their fault. So the first object of your of your negative feelings was your sibling, then the it progresses over to what your parents they say in a vanilla movie. My father Father is clearly confused. So not only do we have bad feelings towards users, now it's going to extend to dad also.
And by the way, what happens to many of us first we blame somebody else, then we blame even connected we expand the circle and eventually you know what happens? People start blaming Allah Himself. A lot didn't bless me. A lot didn't give me enough. Allah describes these two adjectives together, and they'll call on yo sonica for very powerful adjectives. Yeah, also you can fool. Whenever trouble comes to a certain kind of person. They become extremely depressed. You lose mobile, ah, yo, extremely overwhelmingly negative yo ziani liar full fee, shady jabby. Nothing positive enters his mind. He's always thinking about problems. And I attack layup so he doesn't
laugh. He doesn't smile. He's just constantly like negative negative. You ever see those people? You just you're within five feet of them you get depressed?
Those kinds of people.
Isn't this conference amazing?
You know, he's gonna down everything. Or when you're talking, they have to find the negative and everything
wasn't that super amazing year but double parked the car
you have to find something, you have to find something to poke at. Something to be negative about. This is your ooze. And Allah says the only the only university you will graduate into from this high school of use is
the only thing after this kind of depression is disbelief. If you're constantly complaining, you have no reason to be grateful to Allah, no reason to praise him. And when that praise disappears, all that's left is this belief. Somehow Allah, it's a very logical progression. It's a very logical progression. That's why it's so important. And check up the nosler at another session spoke about this. Allah which forbids us from losing hope in Allah. Why? Because hope is the first thing to go in mind is next, Eman is next. And it starts for many of you with jealousy. A lot of your depression is a result of jealousy.
And it shouldn't be and give you some I'll end with some practical examples. Oh, well. One is that one really thing for a mom said she was that for me.
looked down and found it. Okay.
So you have for example, where I come from Pakistan
Alhamdulillah. I have three, four daughters, three together, and then two sons, and then fourth daughter. And you know, there's little girls right now. But I have three sisters, and all three of them got married, and there was a formula in our household. And this is not just a formula in my household. There's a formula across households, the oldest daughter should get married first than the one younger than her than the one younger than her. And if you are the Fourth Brother, well, you know what his bill was a bit what it was
too bad. We have to go in order. Because it looks bad.
It looks bad. And if for instance, a proposal came for one of the younger daughters, we have to turn it down, because there's two more planes waiting to take off. So you can't get on the runway until it's the turn for your flight. So you gotta you're in the pipeline. And if one does get married, the other two older sisters are in serious depression. Like,
He cut the line. You know, it's like, when you're upset with somebody who cuts the line at the restaurant. Come on, bro.
that's not it's not fair. This what formula is this. We made these arbitrary rules and put ourselves in trouble. When Allah brings it is your way a good proposal comes the way you have your family. It's like this. It's like a gift from Allah. Consider it don't just say it doesn't meet our formula that we set up for ourselves. And we will hold on to it stronger than we hold on to any commandment of God Himself.
And we'll put our own family in trouble as a result. Allah says to us, you need a law who and you have divine come. Allah wants to lighten your burden for you. We make our life hard. We make it hard. These jealousies lend us in so much trouble. So much difficulty. If your brother went to med school, it is not a no Moghadam, your parents are gonna hate me for this one. If your brother went to med school and you don't like medicine, and you're going because your brother went and if you don't go then there's gonna be some serious like a wall. At least one side I can introduce at weddings.
This is my son, he's a doctor.
And he's gonna be in Sharla. Don't you have another? Excuse me? I gotta go.
Yeah, the kids are sitting there like, Thanks, Mom.
You know, don't do that to your kids. Don't Don't instill that jealousy in them. Don't put that jealousy in them. There are so many things in our culture. And last thing I will talk about just appearance guys just appearance here. There are things that are part of our culture now that instill jealousy, that introduce jealousy into the family, birthdays, birthdays, I'm not talking about a fatwa. You know, I am not qualified. But you go and you get one of your kids a gift. What have you seen the look on the other kid's face? Have you ever seen what they look like? What is my birthday coming?
It was just last month I gotta wait 11 more months. And until then I have to just tolerate that this one received special accolade over everybody else. You guys review you guys repeat the story of use of alayhis salaam dad loves him more than us. You repeat that every birthday in your household.
If you're gonna get a gift, get it for everybody.
If you're gonna get to get it for everybody. And if you're gonna give a gift, make a part of it a gift that's supposed to be given to charity together. Allah gave us this. We're gonna give some of it back. It's still good.
values into your kids values that don't brew jealousy among them. stop comparing your children to your other children
stop purposely praising some of your children in front of other children stop doing that. You know you're my good son looking at the other do my good
this my good daughter Mashallah she listens to me.
Man, if you could, if you could see the flames coming out of the other ones head
You know, when you see a knife in the other other ones pillow when she goes, you know where that came from? You did that the parents did that. That's no way of parenting. I don't know why these all these psychological forms of psychological torture became standard in Muslim households is parenting techniques. But that's all they are a psychological torture, you just finding a way to like, stick it to your kids. Come on. Your kids should feel the most comfortable with you. The most relaxed with you. Their jealousy should be removed. They should be protective of one another. It's just it's a destructive force. It's a destructive destructive force. And you have to not just be not just that
you're you're not jealous of your siblings, or conscious constantly talking down to your siblings. I'm giving advice to the older siblings. Now older siblings be nicer to your younger siblings. You're not their parent. And they'll tell you that you're not my dad.
Oh, you are bigger. Like, yeah, what you gotta know what you gotta know.
Who's your bro?
be nicer to your younger siblings. be kinder to them. It's important because they will grow to resent you. Naturally younger kids, younger siblings, they grow to love and admire their older siblings. You know why they're always taking your stuff, not because they think it's cool, because they think you're cool and they want to be like you. That's what it is. They just really like you. They look up to you. They want to be like you Do you know why they want to talk to your friends not their own.
Cuz they really like you. They just think just my older brother so cool. They won't say to your face, but they do. Why and you're like, why are you pulling me around God me alone? No, he's falling around because he loves you.
He should keep them with with you. They should be more tolerant of them with you. You should take them when you hang out with your friends. take them with you. Take her with you. It's okay. It's an expression of love. And it's supposed to be there. And if when that's there, man one day you will you will appreciate it. Because later I've seen a lot of homes when these siblings become older. The younger one refuses to talk to the older one. My older brothers, you know, he's a jerk. I don't want to talk to him. My older sister is such so messed up. I don't want to talk to her.
You know, and that's when you'll see the pay the price I told you now Alhamdulillah I'm a family man. I have wife I have kids. I have parents. I'm hungry and now we're all together. But sometimes you just need your sibling. He just needs you to Brother You just need your sister you know Valentine cello Tada. So I hope that inshallah Tada. We can benefit from this conversation barakallahu li walakum salam O Allah Curatola.