Moving Forward As A Community Raising Children And Divorce

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Navaid Aziz

Channel: Navaid Aziz

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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim al hamdu lillahi wa.

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futile when I was a Bella Himanshu young fusina woman sejati Amina Maria de la Fernando de la forma de la de la la la la la la la sharika was shadow under Mohammed Abdullah Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa seldom at the Sleeman kathira ama but my dear brothers and sisters salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.

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So I ended up missing a halaqa, two weeks back, and due to that, we're actually going to have to combine two topics together. And it's two really strange topics that shouldn't come together, but we're going to force them together. The first topic is how to raise righteous children by the light Allah. And then the second part of the halaqa will be about how to get divorced according to this and so you can figure out how they go together, Allah knows best thing, let us begin with an italic speaking about children. The first discussion we want to have is what is heavier on the scales of an individual righteousness towards one's parents or righteousness towards one's children? Now the

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obvious answer in most people's minds, they will probably say that it is righteousness towards one's parents. But also I know what Allah poses a question in the Quran by saying Akuma Abner Coco, Luna, aka Bula conda, that your parents or your children you do not know who will be more beneficial to you. So Allah subhana wa tada poses this question. Then another aspect that scholars bring to this discussion is when we talk about when a person passes away, what benefits a person when they pass away, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he mentioned three things that benefit a person after he passed away. The first thing he mentioned is knowledge that he has left behind that

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people benefit from the second thing he mentioned as a sacajawea meaning it is a charity that itself plenish is itself building a modular sub building a Masjid building a well Okay, so the second thing that benefits the dead person is this other criteria, and that is the the sadaqa the self punishes itself. So we mentioned building a Masjid, building a madrasa building a wealth, all of these things will continue to benefit the person after they pass away. And then the third thing is the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam mentions is the righteous child that seeks forgiveness for their parents, the righteous child that seeks forgiveness for their parents. There's actually a

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funny joke. Actually, I'll leave it all the jokes for later, you guys were terrible. Last week, no one laughed. Even my wife's watching. She's like, Why isn't anyone laugh?

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We'll leave the jokes for later in shallow dive. So that was the third thing. So here we see another aspect to this discussion is that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu. wasallam is saying that the things that will benefit you after you passed away was not your obedience to your parents, but rather, it was the righteousness and the third idea that you gave to your children. Then the third aspect to this a third aspect to this is that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, he talks about the children that are her father, that they memorize the Quran, that they will put crowns on the heads of their parents, they will put crowns on the heads of their parents, whereas

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had the parents will have false, then it doesn't necessarily affect the children. So this is a third aspect that scholars bring into the discussion. Now, our point of mentioning this is not to come to a conclusion that you know, where there's more righteousness. Like our points I mentioned, this is that just as much righteousness as we show to our parents, and we understand this concept, because it's repeated all the time. We need to repeat the same concept towards our children as well, because they're just as deserving of showing righteousness and giving them good tarbiyah and giving them an up good upbringing to as well be the lights on. So with that, having been said, let us now discuss

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what are the rights of a child in Islam? What are the rights of a child in Islam? So we'll mention six of them when the lights were mentioned, six of them be the lights Allah, The first of them is choosing a righteous mother for that child. The first of them is choosing a righteous mother for the child. A man comes to me my mathematical Rahim Allah, and he says, I would like to ensure that my child is righteous. What can I do? So my man asks him, How old is your child? And he tells him, my child is six months old. Mr. Mohammed responds by saying you're already six months too late. You're already six months too late. Mainly the righteousness of your child. It begins by choosing a

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righteous mother for that child. The right if you want a righteous child, a choose starts by choosing a righteous mother for that child. And this is why I cannot emphasize enough to the brothers that when you decide to get married, make the dean something very, very heavy on your skills of decision. Don't just go for the looks. Don't just go maybe for the money that you

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But make Dean very, very heavy, because right now you may not be thinking about children, but eventually it kicks in that you do want to have children. And once that decision comes into play, you will need a righteous spouse to help you in that to be the lights Allah. So that is the first right of the child that they have a righteous mother. And obviously the Father has to be righteous as well. That's understood. Number two is that a good name is chosen for that child. A good name is chosen for that child. So authentic hadith, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu sallam, he mentioned that the two most beloved names to Allah subhanho wa Taala for a boy or Abdullah Abdullah Ahmed,

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these are the two most beloved names to Allah subhanho wa Taala for a boy, Abdullah and Abdullah of man. And then he goes on to mention in the conclusion of this Hadith, there are a lot of people don't know is that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu leaves and goes on to say, and the most truthful of names are al Hadith and hammam, the most truthful of names are a hadith and hammam. So these four names the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam specifically recommended. Now continuing with the names of the boys. If you decide not to choose these names, then choose the names of the Prophets. So let's find what Allah mentioned 25 prophets in the Koran, choose any of

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those names? Those are good names to have, if you decide not to choose the name of the prophets, then choose the names of the well known companions choose the names of the well known companions, Abubakar Omar Osman Ali, and the rest of them choose the names of the well known companions. And then if even that you decide not to go with this, then choose a name that has a good meaning with it, at least choose a name that has a good meaning with it at least. And here's something that you know might shock a lot of people, does the child's name have to be something in Arabic, just a child's name has to be something in Arabic? And the answer to that is no, that if there's a word

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that has a nice meaning in your language, you can name your child with that name, even if it's not in Arabic, even if it's if it's not an Arabic. Now moving on to the girls names, what should the girls do in this situation? So for the girls who have a similar advice, the righteous women that are mentioned in the Koran, we should choose their names. So who can tell me what righteous women are mentioned in the Quran? Which I just wanted to mention the Quran? Miriam, excellent. Who else?

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Asya. She's mentioned in the Quran as well. So these are two examples of righteous when mentioned in the Quran. Then you have the names of the wives of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wasallam. So you have Khadija you have Ayesha you have so all of these names are good. Then you have the names of the daughters of messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who can remind me what were the names of the daughters of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu wasallam.

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So Fatima is the easiest one. Excellent. On consume. Excellent. rokeya. Excellent. And Zainab is the last one. Excellent. So these are the names of the daughters of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu sallam, then you move on to the righteous female companions that were known. Can anyone think of righteous female companions that were known during the time with the passage of a law system? that were not his wife or his daughters?

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sumaiya excellent, good. Who else?

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as smart, the sister of Ayesha de la Honda. Excellent. Can you think of one more? Think of battle ahead. The story is very common. Sorry. On Selma was the wife of the Messenger of Allah, think of battle avoid the woman that was defending the Messenger of Allah sostenere. Who remembers?

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Halima was the caretaker of the Messenger of Allah. But I'll give you her cornea, her cornea was Amara

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built cab, What was her name on mama Robbins cab

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surestart, spelling it out with a known

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Come on, known.

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The first letter is new, the

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new cyberweapons cab Come on. You guys knew this name right?

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Most of you should know this name, some handle. That's a very common name from the Battle of odd. Now this is the one female companion that the Messenger of Allah says Allah is a tribute to him. He said that, you know, at times, she was on my radio at times used in front of me attempts she was behind me. And she actually stuck her hand out to defend the messenger versus undertake an arrow. So she got injured for the sake of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu wasallam. So this is a you know, one of the righteous female companions. So that is what we would recommend for the sisters. So that is the second rate of the child that you give the child a good thing. The third rate that the

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scholars mentioned, and this right is something which is difficult upon, but we're going to mention it anyways, because the majority of the scholars actually encourage it. And that is the giving of the event and the year of the child, the giving of the event in the year of the child. So the dance should be given in the right ear of the child, and this should preferably be done by the Father Himself. If the father does not know how or is unable to give it then any other male relative is fine than any other male relative is fine. Now the issue with the others

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Then, is that if you look at the chain of transmission of this Hadith, it actually seems there's a weakness in this hadith. So two issues come up. Issue number one is the issue of authenticity of the Hadith. And an issue number two is, Are you allowed acting upon weak Hadith Are you allowed acting upon weak Hadith. So then the scholars two different opinions. first group of scholars, they said, You know what, this hadith is authentic, so there's no issue whatsoever. The second group of scholars, they said, we recognize there's a weakness in this Hadith, yet, we're going to allow it to do the action upon weak Hadith. If the weakness in the Hadith is something minor, meaning it's not a

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major weakness, meaning that it doesn't have any major liars in the Hadith. And the Hadith itself does not contradict the verse in the Koran or another common Hadith, then they allowed it. And this was the opinion of the majority, related to this very issue related to this very issue is the issue of the giving of the a comma, giving the comma in the left ear of the child. And this is something that is completely weak and has no basis to it whatsoever. So this is something fabricated and something that should not be done something that is made up and should not be done. The fourth right of the child is what they call a technique. And the technique over here is referring to the placing

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of a truth date, and the mouth of a child is the placing of a true date. And the multiple child is not a whole date, but it's referring to chewing on a little bit and putting it on the palate of the mouth, putting it on the palate of the mouth. Over here, this hadith is clearly authentic. But what the scholars differed on over here is what was the wisdom behind this was the wisdom behind this to seek tabarrok from the Messenger of Allah meaning seeking the bulk of the Messenger of Allah, because there was only reported that the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did this, and none of the other companions did this, or was there some sort of medical wisdom behind it, that

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the Messenger of Allah sallallahu Sallam was trying to allude to? And Allah subhanho wa Taala knows best, it seems that the strong opinion is the second that this was an act that was purely for the sake of tabula rasa, it is the first opinion that is closer to the truth, which is that this was an act of robotic from the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and that after the time of the Messenger of Allah, so now, this was not practiced by any of the companions, as far as we know, as far as we know. So that was number four. Number five, the Africa of the child, the Africa of the child. When you study the rulings in Islam, you'll notice that every action in Islam is divided into

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one of five categories. Do you guys remember this discussion? Every action in Islam is divided into one of five categories? Who can remind you what those five categories are? Give me one of them. So something that is wajib. What are the other four? Something which is Mr. hub? Excellent.

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Who said mobile? mobile? Excellent. We'll have two more, something we'll just knock it off. And then what is the last one haraam something we'll just add on. So wajib Let us understand these definitions properly, when we say something is rigid, meaning that the one who does it he is rewarded, and the one who leaves it off is punished. So the one who does it is rewarded, the one that leaves it off is punished mazahub, the one who does it is rewarded, but the one who does not do it is not punished. So the one that does it is rewarded, the one that does not do it is not punished.

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You're not rewarded, nor are you punished makrooh, the one that does it is not punished, but the one that stays away from it is rewarded, the one that does it is not punished, but the one that stays away from it is rewarded. And then the fifth and last one is haram, the one that does it is punished. And the one that abstains from it is rewarded. So every action in Islam will fall under one of five categories. Now, when you talk about Mr. Have we talked about that which is recommended. The scholars are almost in agreement that the most recommended act that was recommended by the Messenger of Allah sallallahu wasallam was the act of Africa was the act of Africa that is it is on

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the borderline of something which is compulsory. But they said no, it is something that is highly recommended, with exception of a bin Hassan and his followers. They said no, it was something which is legit. But this is an important thing to understand. Because in our times the Akiko is taken very, very lightly, like, you know, I'll do it if I want to, oh, you know, I don't want to do it right now. So I'll just leave it off. But in the eyes of the scholars of Islam, the article was something very, very relevant, because this was the way that you show sugar to Allah subhanho wa Taala. And in response, Allah subhanho wa Taala blesses your child for you. In response, Allah

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subhanaw taala blesses your child for you. So now what does one have to do for inaka for the boy, it is to sheep, for a boy, it is two sheep. For a girl. It is one sheep for a girl, it is one sheep. Another thing to understand is the dates for the Africa. So it is recommended to

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Do the article on the seventh, if not on the seventh, then on the 14th. And then if not on the 14th, then on the 21st. And if you can't do it on the 21st, then any day after that is fine, then anything after that is fine. Related to this point is what if your parents didn't have enough cake for you when you were born? That may be let's just say, you know, it was a financial issue, they couldn't afford it, or they didn't know, or you know what they didn't like you as a child. So they decided, you know, what nakida for you? Can you do your own Africa? The answer to this is yes. Even when you grow older, you can do your own Africa. This is a way to show appreciation to Allah subhanho wa

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Taala and seek blessings from Allah subhanho wa Taala. Another issue related to this, what if we come to a time where Subhanallah you know, May Allah not allow this to happen except with his wisdom, that you know, sheep are completely extinct? You have no more sheep? What do you do in that situation? Because the Messenger of Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah specifically mentioned, the sheep over here. So in such a situation, the scholars have said that it the most preferable thing to do is to get a sheep. But if you can't get a sheep, then take its closest example. So the closest example would be something like a goat. And if you can't get a goat, then get shares in a cow or shares in a

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camel, then this would be like the closest thing, and then they actually,

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okay, so how many chickens would be the equivalent? And they said something like 10 chickens? And then what if you don't get chickens, you only have eggs? How many eggs would you have to do? And literally, they went this far, I don't remember how many eggs, but it'd be a lot of eggs. And you can imagine, no, you show up to NACA, and people are like starving for the food. And all of a sudden you're serving a boiled egg.

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Okay, so that was number five, that was number five. The sixth and last rate of the child, the sixth and last rate of the child is the shaving of the head is the shaving of the head. And this is something that should be done on the seventh day as well. This is something that should be done on the seventh day as well. Now, the important thing to understand over here is not just the shaving of the head, but it is the collecting of the hair at that time, and giving its weight in silver, out in charity, giving its weight out in silver in charity. And we in reality, this is something very, very cheap. Like even, you know, Subhanallah you look at the trend of silver in the last like four or

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five years, it's skyrocketed, there was a time similar was like $2 an ounce. Now it's like close to 30 $40 an ounce, but even at its most expensive rate, this subtle cut that you end up giving as close to like 10 to $15. You know, that's if you have like a DC or like a hairy child. That's what you end up doing. But he was like your average child, then you're not going to end up giving much in South Africa at all. The important thing to understand about shaving of the head. There's a Hadith of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam where he prohibited women from shaving of their head, where it prohibited women from shaving of their head. So the issue arises now here you

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have the prohibition of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam prohibiting the woman from shaving their heads. And then the baby child was the Messenger of Allah Salaam encouraged the shaving of the head. What did you do in this situation? The majority of the scholars went to the opinion that you go ahead and you shave the opinion of the baby. This Hadith only applies to the grown woman, this hadith only applies to the grown woman. But there are certain scholars of Hadith that said, No, this hadith of shaving of the head only applies to the male child and does not apply to the female child and does not apply to the female child. And in this opinion, Allah subhanaw

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taala knows best It seems that the opinion of the majority is stronger, it seems that the opinion of the majority is stronger and there you have the six rights of the child who's wanting to repeat them for me inshallah

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you have a question.

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Okay, we'll take questions at the end, inshallah.

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The majority is that you should go ahead and shave the the bear the female baby's head as well and give it in charity. So who's going to repeat the six? Go ahead, start me off with

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a good name. Excellent.

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They must teach

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you when attending a different brother,

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a righteous mother and a good name. Excellent. So we have four more to go.

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Akiko. Who said Akiko. Excellent. So there we have our kicker.

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The issue of the other issue of the other excellent that's for

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the date in the mouth. And what is the last one shaving over the head. So those are the six. Those are the six. Now, with that having been said, Let us move into education of the child, making sure that the child is righteous. There's two important issues that again, we trivialize over here. Number one, is the issue of the parents or the effect of the parents in their righteousness upon the children and this has two sides to it. One is the spiritual aspect. And then one is the tangible aspect. If you notice in certain calf, what is Allah subhana wa Taala say about the two children whom are

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Allah subhanaw taala preserved their treasure for them. What does Allah subhanaw taala say about their parents?

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What can abou Masada that their father was a righteous man, the father was a righteous man. The scholars derived from this verse in the Quran, that the righteousness of the parents will transcend on to the children means not that they will become righteous, not that they will become righteous, but that Allah subhanho wa Taala will give them special care due to the righteousness of the parents due to the righteousness of the parents. And this is an important point to understand that just because you have a righteous parent, does not necessitate that you have righteous child, who can give me an example from the Quran about this. No Holly Sanam, exactly no who was a prophet of Allah

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from the organism meaning the elevated status of prophets, yet even his own child was a disbeliever. He didn't believe in Allah subhanho wa Taala. So it does not necessitate that a righteous parent will bring about a righteous child. But rather This is the one of the ways that Allah subhanho wa Taala tests them. So that is the spiritual element that Allah subhanho wa Taala will bless children due to the righteousness of their parents. Now, the tangible aspect of this is that parents, the children naturally grow up emulating their parents. Children naturally grew up emulating their parents. And I'm going to show you suddenly the exact opposite. Let us move to Silicon eight, Serato

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eight, on Serato eight, you have a three year old young boy, he sees his father go down into such that for the very first time, he starts showing Baba Baba, what are you doing? Are you okay? Is everything okay? Like, why did you fall to the floor? Why did that child have that reaction? Because that is the first time he's seeing his father ever perform such then his life. The child is confused. where this happened, this actually happened on July 8, and we're not gonna we're not gonna mention who it was. But the point is that Subhanallah This is the reality of the situation, that this child now when he grows up, you want him to play Salah? How do you expect him to pray when he

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never saw you pray. And you'll notice that let's move to the positive aspect of this. Now, for those of you that have young children, when it comes time for Salah whether you tell your children or not, they will naturally comics such they'll rock with you, or will reset sort of idea behind you. And they love seeing I mean, they know nothing of sort of idea. But when it comes to me, they love starting out. I mean, what does this show you it shows that the child is going to copy and emulate everything that you do. So this is about the righteousness of the parent. And this is the most important component of educating your child means that if you as a parent are not willing to become

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righteous, it is almost foolish on your behalf to expect your child to ever become righteous. Because righteousness begins in the home, you can send your child to any madrasa to any Sunday school, send them to the University of Medina doesn't matter what happens if you did not show righteousness at home, then growing up to be righteous becomes very difficult, it becomes very difficult, because it's not first nature to them. So this is the first element. If you want a righteous child, it starts with you being righteous yourself. The second element is the element of the law is the element of the law. Do you have the parent for the child is such a powerful tool.

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It's used in the positive and in the negative. So you'll notice that in certain for con, Allah subhanho wa Taala he talks about the beggar of man, the man or the select group of slaves of Allah subhanho wa Taala that he reaffirms for them, their worship for Allah man. And then he records for them a doula that they make, they make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala robina hublin amin as wodgina Daria Tina kurata Yun Sakina Mama, that they make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala, that Oh our Lord, bestow upon us from our wives and from our children, those that are the coolness of our eyes, and make us leaders of the righteous, make us an example for the righteous. Now here, you look at the

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dua, that the Select slaves of Allah subhanaw taala, they're not just busy making data for themselves, but they make dua for their spouses and for their children. And you see the same thing with Ibrahim Alayhi Salam that he makes to a woman the reality that from my progeny, let them be, you know, groups of people that worship you and pray to you, or Allah subhanho wa Taala. So this is something that is, again, something that is forgotten, that you need to be constantly making dua for your child, all the time in your Salawat when you're making blood for yourself throughout the day, in the night, especially the recommended periods. So in the last third of the night, while you're

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fasting, when you open your first during times of hardship and difficulty, all of these times are times where Allah answers the door. So make dua for your children at that time. So that is in terms of the Islamic education of your child and in terms of raising him righteousness. Now, let us go into what are the actual needs of a child what are the actual needs of a child, and we're going to divide this into three categories. We're going to divide this into three categories. Category number one is love.

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Category number one is love that every child needs love, every child needs love. And this is what you'll notice that in each stage of your life as a human being, you're going to need a specific type of love that if you don't have that love, that your psychological state will be deficient. So as a young child, that child needs the love of its parents, and grows older, it needs the loves of its siblings, and grows older and now needs the love of its spouse. Now focusing on this very first age, the love of the parents, what is love of the parents actually mean over here, love of the parents means that it has the genuine best interest of the child in mind. And you'll notice that the number

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one mistake that parents make with their children after the religious aspect of things is that they love their children upon their terms, rather than on the terms of the child. What exactly does this mean? So for example, let us look at to the Father, the father, he will love his child, when he comes home, he'll take his time, he'll spend five minutes with the child, but then he'll go back to doing his own thing. And in those five minutes, hugs and kisses and Oh, I love you, how's your day, and all the conversation takes place. But once the father gets busy, he does not care about the child anymore. From a mother's perspective, it's the exact opposite, that mothers tend to over love

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their children. So what ends up happening, the mother, she cooks breakfast for the child, all the way till he's 18. She ties his shoes till he's 12 years old, she makes his bed till he's like 25. And she like makes, you know, plays video games with him or something like that. This sort of person at the age of 30, when he's ready to get married, he's going to be a spoiled brat. He's going to abuse his wife in the sense that he's going to need his wife to do everything for him, he can do anything by himself. So from the mother's perspective, we say the exact opposite. She needs to bring that tone of love down, that, you know, by the time they're hitting 1213, you want to start making

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them independent, start making them do things for themselves, especially things like tying their shoes. I'll tell you a funny story. I was in grade two or grade three, I can't remember. If you're eight, what grade would you be in great. grade three, whatever, grade two or grade three. There was like, we would come back from gym class, and you'd have to change your shoes one day, like one of the same. She was in gym class. And there was a student in our class, he couldn't tie his shoes, he would have to get the gym teacher to tie his shoes for him after you know, the they got into their gym clothes. And I thought to myself Subhanallah you know, eight years old? How could you not know

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how to tie your shoes. What ended up happening was exactly what I'm telling you that every single day, the mother would wake up she would go bring him to the door, tie his shoes for him and for him. And he never learned how to tie his shoes. The sad thing is all of you know that great finished and you're

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like wondering Did he ever learned. So though that's that's when mothers go to the exact opposite extreme. So you need to learn to love your children in accordance to what they need, in accordance to what they need. So what is this exactly mean? Number one is that your love for your child has to be unconditional, it has to be unconditional. And there's two aspects to this. aspects. Number one is that even if your child is a disappointment, you still need to love your child. So you'll notice that children are congratulated when they do well in school when they get good grades. But the second they don't understand something, the second they do something terrible. All of a sudden we

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start throwing out the worst of names and Mashallah especially the Arabs, you know, they go all out, you know, Calvin, Mr. And all this other stuff, they'll start calling the tronic. I'm not gonna say what that means, but you know what I'm talking about. So all these names start flying out. But for that child, the love has to be unconditional, whether he's successful, or whether he is a failure, you're still a parent, and you need to show that unconditional love to increase the confidence inside of the child. The second aspect of this Unconditional Love Is that part of loving your child is learning when not to love your child, part of loving your child is learning when not to love your

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child. So for example, this issue of tying the shoes we'll go back to that a time will come and the Thai child is like four years old, five years old. You tell them look, I'm not going to tie your shoes anymore. I'll show it to you. Then you try it yourself. And this is how the child will learn. Same thing as he gets older. He needs to you know put on his jacket and zip it up. You let them do it for themselves. Do they need to do their homework, they don't understand their homework, show them how to do it but don't do it for them. Don't do it for them. You know and this is how you learn to love your child by taking a step back you learn to love your child by taking a step back. The

00:29:38--> 00:30:00

second need of the child is the need for Dean is the need for Dean now the need for Dean you know I do not know how to explain this better than the story of available Claudia mohalla the story of Emma environment Imam Al Bukhari Rahim Allah, let me share my story with you. in Malibu Cody will jump ahead in his life. He's 19 years old. He's written his first book

00:30:00--> 00:30:42

Now and he's studying with his ship is Hakuna Matata. And in Sakura Hawaii, he says, I wish that there will be someone who will compile all the authentic hadith of the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, Emmanuel Bukhari he gets inspired with this. Lo and behold, he begins a mission for 16 years for 16 years to compile Sahil Bukhari so the Al Bukhari that we know of it took him 16 years to write. Now what is extremely unique thing about hell Buhari, a Malibu card, he says in his own terms, that before I included any Hadith, inside the Sahaba, I prayed to the cause of Allah subhanho wa Taala. Should I include it? Should I not include it? So now, if we were to do this, just

00:30:42--> 00:30:55

upon the minimum number of Hadith, that emammal berkadia included? How many know how many rockets do you get? So let's just say Sahil Bocconi. It has about 7700 you multiply that by two, what do you get?

00:30:57--> 00:31:42

15,400 is it 14,004? No 15,000 15,400 15,400 so you get 15,400 car. Now, where did emammal Bukhari learn this from this level of a bother? Now, another point of reflection over here is, this is just select the list ikara. I want you to think about if you include all of your fourth prayers include all of your super prayers, would you reach 15,400? Because that's very hard to imagine, very hard to imagine. And this is only selectively staccato for a moment because then you look at all of his other aspects. And you've noticed that you know, all of this righteousness is coming from his parents. Let us see how let us see how the first issue amount because his mother Rahim, Allah was a

00:31:42--> 00:32:19

very righteous woman. We know her righteousness, just through one story. We don't know too much about her except for this one story. That email Bukhari Rahim Allah when he was young, he lost his eyesight, he lost his eyesight, and this grieved his mother a lot, agree with his mother a lot. And she would wake up every single night, pray to Allah subhanho wa Taala, cry her eyes out and make dua to Allah subhanho wa Taala. And then one day Allah subhanho wa Taala sensor, Ibraheem alehissalaam, the great prophet, the great messenger to her in her dream, saying, you know what, due to your worship due to your crying, we have returned the eyesight of Mohammed bin Ismail, Mr. mcquarry. And

00:32:19--> 00:32:35

his eyesight was returned to him. So this concept of praying soon then the waffle prayers. It comes from his mother that she played, and he saw this at a very young age that this is what his mother was doing. He heard this throughout the night. Then I want you to look at the legacy of his father, the legacy of his father.

00:32:36--> 00:32:47

Ismail Bukhari, he was a great scholar of Hadith himself very well because he writes his biography in his article Kabir. He says about his father, that he was a student of Imam Malik he was

00:32:49--> 00:33:27

he was a student of Abdullah Mubarak, these through gate scholars. So where did the love of Hadith originally start from? It started from the parent itself, that his father was a scholar of Hades, and every male child will want to follow in his father's footsteps, the construction worker, his child will put on his construction boots and say want to become a construction worker, the doctor his child will put on the white coat and say I want to become a doctor. Similarly, the scholar of Hadith we saw that his son wanted to become a scholar of Hadith as well. Now, the most beautiful thing about this is not the fact that he became a scholar of Hadith. But the fact that what is Imam

00:33:27--> 00:34:05

Al Bukhari, his father said on his deathbed, so he's asked on his deathbed, so what is it that you're leaving behind that? What is this great, you know, contribution you've left behind? What is it that you left behind to take care of your family? And he says something so powerful that supine Allah, I almost think it's impossible to implement in our times. He said, what I'm leaving behind is that I have not left behind a single dinner or a single deer hunt that came from a dubious source or from a haraam source, meaning that every single day not every single Delhomme I have is completely valid. So my father and my family never ate from heroin. They never were from heroin, they never

00:34:05--> 00:34:44

spent in heroin. Everything was completely and legitimately 100% talent. And you notice that this has an effect on the mountain Bukhari as well as Rahim Allah, not only in terms of the Baraka, there are places in terms of the wealth because he has sufficed of his father's wealth for a long period of time, in his studying of Hadith, but in the fact that Emanuel Bukhari he learns from his father, the importance of having high land and pure wealth, you notice the importance of having solid and pure wealth. So the dean, again, we bring it back to the issue of the parents, that it is very important that the D the parents are involved on the level of the deen itself. And I want to share

00:34:44--> 00:35:00

something over here with you that what do we usually end up doing with our children. A lot of the times when we punish our children, we punish them with things that will more than likely make them hate the dean later on. So for example, a child is struggling in public

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Public School is a very bad kid. What do we do? We pull them out of the public school and we say, you know what, you're now going to Islamic school. You want to punish the child, when he's been bad. What do you tell him to do? You've been very bad. Go and read the Koran in the corner or go and read the Quran in your room. You look at the traditional Koran, teachers. I mean, the teachers, the ISC aren't like this, but I remember growing up myself.

00:35:25--> 00:36:02

I'm like imagining what he was from. But he survived, like, he still beat the hell out of me. I mean, you didn't memorize something, he's taking the ruler, and he's like, breaking it on my hand. As Pinilla growing up, it's like you become afraid to recite to the Koran, because you're like, you make any mistake, you're gonna get beaten by this guy. So that's the one side of the spectrum. Let's look at the opposite end of the spectrum. And this is how it should be. And this is for those of you who want to study this further, this is what you call positive anchoring. The psychological term for this is positive anchoring. So I want to give you the example of a five year old child, a five year

00:36:02--> 00:36:40

old child, she's in one of my classes for a magnet. And she's like any other child, she's running around creating havoc and chaos. Her parents are telling her you know what, sit down, sit down, she's still running around. And then the point comes where the father gets upset. So I'm like, oh, what's he going to do? At that time? He tells his daughter, you know, what, if you run around one more time, I'm not going to let you read called on tonight. On the inside, I started laughing. Um, and what type of punishment is this? What a pansy punishment you can read on tonight was vanilla law taught me such a powerful lesson that day, that young girl, she started crying to you start coming

00:36:40--> 00:37:15

down her eyes. And I was like, What on earth is going on? So I go in and speak to their parents. And I asked them, you know, how did you get your child to love the Quran to such a degree that you tell the child you can read Koran tonight, and the child starts crying. They said, what we did was, every time we wanted to celebrate, every time she achieved something good, we would go and read Quran as a family together. So she did well on the test, we go and read some Koran. You know, she, you know, learned how to ride a bike, we went and we read some code on every time we would you know, go and buy the bike or a treat by a bot or some cake bot or some ice cream. Before we would have that

00:37:15--> 00:37:50

treat, we would read some Koran. So this child ends up loving the Koran. And then the way you end up punishing the child is not by saying go and read Koran. But by understanding you know what, tonight, you've been bad. So you can't read any court on tonight. And as like a generation of kids, we would love to see that they get affected by not doing those acts of worship, rather than being punished by doing those acts of worship. And this is the effect of positive anchoring. This is the effect of positive anchoring. So this is again, as an important point of view as a parent, never use the dean to punish your child, because they'll end up building negative connotations and negative negative

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affiliations. And that tied into the dean. And then once they grow older, when they think about Koran, all they remember is the punishment of the rulers and the beatings, they're like, let's stay away from the Koran. Or they remember, you know, when it came to Salah, or I didn't pray, so then my father used to beat me up and all of a sudden they grow older and they're like, you know what, I don't want to pray anymore, because I have all these negative emotions tied to it. So rather than using negative emotions, to tie them into the acts of the deen, use positive emotions and use positive reinforcement to tied into the dean Binney lightoller.

00:38:21--> 00:39:02

Now, in terms of the dean itself, this is going to sound very radical, there's going to sound very radical. But I believe children need to be taught the whole Koran in terms of its memorization, from a very young age, even if it means pulling them out from school for time, and kindergarten and grade one or grade two, whatever it may be, pull them out for two or three years, put make them memorize the Quran beginning to end. And this is part of their stomach learning process. And the benefits to this are numerous. I mean, if you look at any half of the Quran, that memorize the Quran when they were young, you'll notice that as they got older, they excelled in all aspects of life. Because

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going to memorize the Quran, it teaches you discipline, you need to have a set schedule, you need to go to school at a certain time, you need to memorize at a certain time, you need to revise at a certain time you need to wake up early in the morning. So that's one aspect of it. second aspect of it is the way that it broadens the mind in terms of memorization, that this young child no one has memorized the Quran, he's able to, you know, understand and grasp so many other concepts so much easier than other people or other children his age, so much more than other children his age. And the third element of this is the Baraka. The third element of this is the Baraka that the child has

00:39:38--> 00:40:00

now memorize the Quran. This is a walking Quran, you know people put the Quran in their cars in their houses because it brings Baraka here you have a walking Koran what more Baraka could you want you have someone to lead your Salah was someone that can correct you as they get older as you start understanding, you need proof for something you ask your child to give you the proof directly from the Quran. So that is the Baraka now. The reason

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Why say this sounds radical, is it because generally as parents, you're under the impression that you know what the most important years of schooling are like the kindergarten to grade ones, a grade two and grade three. But I'm telling you, even if your child gets left behind, they will catch up very, very quickly. And by the time they hit University, no one cares about the age anymore. It's only in like, grade up to like, you know, high school, that oh, you know, you're a year older than us, it's a big deal. But once they get into university, nobody cares about your age, you could be two years old, or you could be two years younger, it won't make a difference, it will not make a

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difference. And this is the importance that you force, not force forces are bad word, but you highly encourage your children to memorize the Quran from a very, very young age. So that the lights are that they can excel and other sciences later on. And this was the methodology of our predecessors, that before they taught them anything else, whether Religious Science is or worldly sciences, they will teach their children the Koran, they will teach their children the Quran. So if you don't have children yet, then with the lights on to think about how you can implement this in the life of your children. The third and last thing, the third and last thing that the child needs, is education, is

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education. Now, this leads into a very long discussion that I don't have time for, but you get into three options. You have public school, you have homeschooling, and then you have Islamic school. Now looking at these three options, all of these three scenarios have pros and cons. And let's just quickly go through the pros and cons. So you can be more educated when you make this decision. Going to public school, I would say is the worst decision that you can make. There's a book or an article called lambs to the slaughter lambs to the slaughter. It's about the deficiencies of the public school system on how public school is one of the worst decisions a parent can make for the child.

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One is that you're putting them into an institution, which does not promote religion. So they grow up atheist by definition, number two, the environment that they're in, is completely an Islamic. So when they come home, swearing when they come home, you know, wanting to have a girlfriend and boyfriend, all of a sudden that influence it came from there appears around them. And then three, the quality of education, I actually find to be poorest in public education, the quality of education. In my opinion, a lot of the times not always, a lot of the times is poorest in public education. The positives of public education is that your children learn to intermingle and deal

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well intermingle with people in general. And number two, they learn to deal with fitna from a young age. And this is an important concept that there's a dangerous aspect to it. But there's a positive aspect to it as well. The dangerous aspect of it is that it's not controlled, and the knowledge discipline when dealing with the fitna, and then the positive aspect of it is the statement of the law and where it says young Kool Aid and Islam in other words, and all our 10 in the Nation of Islam and nine out of Algeria, that the Pillars of Islam continue to fall pillar by pillar. If a person is raised in Islam, not knowing the evils of Jahangir, meaning that once the child sees the wickedness

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and the futility of this jelly way of life, then that naturally encourages him and enforces in to have a more righteous life, because he's already seen the evil and so that is one other positive aspect of it, as well. We move on to Islamic school, we move on to Islamic school. Now when I'm speaking about Islamic school, I'm not speaking about Calgary, per se because Mashallah we have, you know, good islamic school options. But I'm speaking about generally across North America, when you look at Islamic schooling, what ends up happening, number one, is that the funding is very poor for it. So the facilities are not as good as they would be in other programs or in other systems. Number

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two, since the funding is poor, usually the caliber of the teachers is not that good, because they can only get the teachers that are desperate, and not teachers that actually want to end up teaching there. The third thing that you notice about Islamic school is what I was talking about previously, that children who go to Islamic school, they end up taking their Islam for granted, because they're not exposed to the evils and fits in of the public school system. So as they get older, once they hit University, all of a sudden, they want to become that rebellious child, hey, I didn't get to experience the girlfriend when I was in elementary school in high school. Now I'm in university, let

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me go ahead and experience it. So that is that rebellion factor that takes place, the positive aspects of Islamic school is number one, that your child is brought up in an Islamic environment, the fact that they're around other Muslims, the fact that they're taught Islamic Studies, the tat that they're taught the fact that they've taught Arabic and Quran, the fact that they're taught how to pray in school and encouraged how to pray in school. This is something that has no value to it. I mean, even if you paid a million dollars for it, this concept alone is worth more than that million dollars. So this is a very important aspect. A second positive aspect of Islamic school is that your

00:44:51--> 00:45:00

The, the friends that your child will have at this age of like high school and a bit older, are generally the friends that they'll end up

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retaining elementary school is not as important, but high school and university, the friends that you make at that time are usually the friends that you will end up retaining, retaining for the rest of your life. So now that you have Muslim friends in high school, when the lights on, you'll have Muslim company as well throughout the rest of your life. The third positive aspect of this is that the stress on the parents for this duration of time is a bit less, they don't have to worry too much about outside influences, because generally speaking, the Islamic schools will be good. Now you move to the third one, which is homeschooling, which is homeschooling. homeschooling, let's talk about

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the negatives first. Number one is that it is extremely burdensome upon the parents, generally speaking, when they go to public school Islamic school, the parents only have to be involved about 50% of the time. And that's a very important number to understand. 50% of the time, is, you know, the parents being involved with power with homeschooling, now you've almost doubled that, we will see 90 to 100%. That is the involvement of the parent. So the parent doesn't have the background in this, they don't have the patience for this, they don't have the education for this, you're leading your child towards failure, you're leading your child towards failure. The second negative aspect

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about this is the social environment, that being homeschooled, you're not around too many other kids. So usually around your own siblings, or maybe you know, one or two other children if you're doing group home schooling, but so they become socially inadequate, that they're not as social as the other children. And this as they grow older, it becomes a hindrance, because they want to be as good as public public speaking at doing, you know, public activities, they won't know how to interact. And this becomes a hindrance, also indirectly related to this is the level of confidence, usually, the more children a child is around, the more confident he will grow. And the less children

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he's around, the less confidence he will have. That is the negative aspects of this, the positive aspect of this is that you as a parent are 100% in control of what your child will learn, you want to filter something out, you can go ahead and filter it out. Number two, is that you can speed up and slow down the progress of your child based upon what you will. And this is something like you know, we're testing on right now, Alia, my oldest daughter, she's four years old, turning five in April, a bit lighter Allah, but in terms of a math level, she's already doing like grade two and grade three stuff. So that we method we've excelled we just to try it out to see how it goes. And

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then you'll notice that Subhanallah, our young age, while the public school system fears, you know, you can teach them to advance stuff, it'll overwhelm them, at least accepting this and enjoys embracing it. So you can slow up, slow down, or speed up the progress of your child. And you know, that obviously has its benefits as well. And then the third benefit is in terms of Islamic Studies, especially if you have, you know, control over your Islamic education, then you can give your child the appropriate Islamic education that they need as well with the Knights Allah, and you can balance between memorization of the Quran and the dean, as well as teaching them the secular sciences as

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well. So this in theory is a summary of the pros and cons of your child's education. And every parent needs to study the pros and cons before they have children, not when they start hitting four, five and six, study the pros and cons before they have children. In fact, if you ever get a job, and you have to move to a new city, make this one of the requirements that you study the schooling systems in those cities in those localities before you decide to move to that area or not.

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Now it's almost eight o'clock. And we didn't even get into our second subject yet.

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So we'll leave it for another time be the light either. But the next two sections will leave us four separate lecture, or distractions for the child, and mistakes that parents make when dealing with children. And I just want to share one mistake. And this will be the last thing that we'll mention. And I'll share some titles of books with you with lightoller.

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A big mistake that parents make when dealing with their children is in terms of the language that they use. And I'm not even talking about the cursing and swearing. That's something that you shouldn't be doing anyways. But what I'm talking about is positive and negative affirmation. So a lot of the times a child is running around in the masjid, what is the initial reaction of the parent, the initial reaction of the parent is to tell the child You know what, don't run in the mustard or, and don't do that. A child's mind does not comprehend the negative, it's not mature enough to comprehend the negative. And that is why you'll see that a lot of the times when you tell

00:49:29--> 00:49:59

the child don't do this, they actually go ahead and continue this. It's not because they want to rebel against you. It's just because their mind is not mature enough to understand a negative command yet. So one of the ways of dealing with your children is that if they're running around in the machine, rather than telling them don't run around, use the positive affirmation by telling them sit down. So positive is a command which they will easily more easily understand and their mind will comprehend. And that is why if you were to take a child and tell one child don't run around and tell another child

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Sit down, you're more likely to be successful with the child that you use positive affirmation with by telling sit down, rather than telling the child Don't run. So you want to use this in all aspects of your communication with your child is that eliminate all the don'ts, and try to enforce all of the do's and within it, it is a challenge at the beginning the beginning, but it has a much more positive effect in terms of the level that you're able to control your child per se Bismillah hits Allah.

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And that's like a major mistake. So now, let us talk about books, let us talk about books. The first book is how to talk so kids will listen and how to listen. So kids will talk. And this point that I just shared in terms of positive and negative affirmation is directly taken from this book. This is a very, very important book that before parents become parents, they should read this so that they learn how to communicate with their children, and can have the proper influence over them.

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And this is by ideal Faber and Elaine mazlish. That's that book right there. The second book is 123 magic, and this has nothing to do with magic before someone flips. It's has nothing to do with magic, but it's talking about effective discipline for children to the 13 effective discipline for two to 13. So parents living in the West, you face a lot of challenges in disciplining your child, you know, from an Islamic perspective, are you allowed to hit your child? Are you not allowed to hit your child? from a legal perspective? Are you allowed to hit your child, are you not allowed to hit your child, this books takes a completely different approach. And that is how to discipline your

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child without physically touching them at all. So they use the concept of pain and pleasure in terms of using discipline. So for example, your child will let's just say you establish a love of going to the library. I love going to the library is something I tried out that they have a love of going to the library. This is their fun activity for the week. So to discipline them, instead of doing anything physical, you just tell them you know what, we're not going to go to the library this week. And this is their discipline because you've taken something that is pleasurable, and turn it into something painful, and that way it causes the same effect in terms of disciplining them. So teach us

00:52:07--> 00:52:12

some very cool techniques. And this is by Thomas W. Phelan, Thomas W. Phelan.

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And then the third is actually a set. The third is actually a set. And this is very, very important, because this is, you know, husband and wife, qualified psychologists that have written a book on Islamic parenting. They're written books on Islamic parenting, and that is Dr. ickenham. And Mohammed Khalid al Bashir, Dr. A column and Mohammed Al Bashir, so they have one on parenting skills as Muslims. And then the second two are frequently asked questions about parenting frequently asked questions on parenting. So the name again is Dr. Ekrem, and Mohammed Dorito. Bashir. So this is in terms of recommended reading for parenting Bismillahi tala. Now we move on to the second subject, or

00:52:56--> 00:53:10

actually, you know what, let's do q&a on the on parenting first, then we'll I know we're gonna have quite a few questions on divorce. So any questions on parenting? We'll take three questions in Sharla. Something I said that needs to be repeated some that you didn't understand, or anything that you'd like further information on.

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parenting. Go ahead.

00:53:22--> 00:53:27

Estabrook? Yeah, it wasn't the majority of the opinion. But that was the opinion that I give preference to

00:53:32--> 00:53:34

practice, or we should understand that this was

00:53:36--> 00:54:04

right. So in my personal opinion, that this was something exclusive to the Messenger of Allah Azza wa sallam, and it's something that should not be practiced. So while they mentioned that a lot of scholars will mention it, it's important to be educated about it as well. Because if you look at this, we never saw this from Abu Bakar. We never saw this from Omar, it was only seen from the Messenger of Allah Azza wa sallam that showed that parents will bring their children messenger versus or will chew on the date and put it on the palate of the mouth. And it seems that this was for the sake of the Baroque and not for the sake of some sort of medical benefit, or anything of

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that nature. And Allah knows best.

00:54:06--> 00:54:08

And the other questions go ahead.

00:54:13--> 00:54:23

to memorize the Quran, yeah, at a very young age, so they should be taught memorization of the Quran. We want to aim that before the age of 10 they finished the memorization of the Quran.

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That is an aspect to it, that is an aspect to it. And if you live in Canada, that is something you have to deal with the consequences of, but this is where you know homeschooling comes into play, where you can give in your curriculum, give much more of an emphasis on memorization of the Quran, then on you know, the secular sciences, and that's what I would recommend is if it ever becomes a legal aspect and you are considering, you know, giving your child memorization of the Quran for the first couple of years, go the homeschooling route, and heavily emphasize the memorization of the Quran and just barely get them by on the other sciences. And then after you can flip it, you can go

00:55:00--> 00:55:15

into like overdrive mode in the secular sciences, when they already have their Slavic base, because what we're trying to do is give their children in Islamic base first, and then build on that Islamic base, a secular base, when you do the opposite, it's like destruction for the child. Allah knows best. God.

00:55:18--> 00:55:18

Yeah.

00:55:22--> 00:55:52

Excellent. So the first question that when we were talking about and the inherent state of MOBA is that when you do something which is permissible, there is no reward and no punishment? And the brother has what if a person has a righteous intention? And the answer to this is that yes, any act that is MOBA, which is accompanied by a righteous intention becomes an act of ibadah. So a person goes to sleep with the intention of waking up for federal or waking up, to have energy to pray to Allah subhanho wa Taala, that sleep now becomes an act of ibadah. Excellent. Any last questions before we move on?

00:55:54--> 00:55:54

Of course,

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I pads and iPhones, which is followed by the father's version that I paid

00:56:07--> 00:56:08

a lot of stuff.

00:56:10--> 00:56:51

I mean, technology is so dangerous panela. I mean, I'm just gonna go on a small tangent, I encourage reading a book by Neil Postman called amusing ourselves to death, amusing ourselves to death. And this is how technology and entertainment, they destroy the attention span of the individual, I want you to think about when you watch TV, when you watch TV, does anyone have a guess how frequently they change the camera angle or the camera shot, and you will know, eight seconds is too much. Usually, on average, four to six seconds is the longest the camera will stay still. Because if they end up doing longer than four to six seconds, the brain these days is like this is getting too

00:56:51--> 00:57:25

boring, I need to you know, change. It's like your brain is on crack. And that is why you look at the I mean, this is why it's very It is funny and entertaining. But it's so sad that now when you have your average teenager, they need to be listening to something, they need to be typing something at the same time, and maybe you know playing a video game at the same time. So all of this constant stimulation. Now when that's taken away, and you try to get this person to read a book, it's impossible. They don't know how to relate to it. They'll read half a page and they're like, I can't focus, I can't concentrate. And then what do we do, we start giving them you know, Ritalin and all

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these other drugs to help them concentrate. So now this book is, you know, was written back in the 80s. But it's very applicable to our times on how technology and entertainment, it destroys the mind of an individual, particularly in terms of its attention span.

00:57:40--> 00:57:58

Without having been said, let's move on to the issue of divorce, let us move on to the issue of divorce. And this is where I'll share my joke with you. So, you know, there's three rings that you will be sharing, when you get married, you have the engagement drink, then you have the marriage drink, and then you have the suffering.

00:58:01--> 00:58:01

Okay.

00:58:02--> 00:58:13

Now, let us move on in terms of dealing with marital problems dealing with marital problems. ideally speaking, I would have loved to have spent a whole Hallock on this, but we're going to spend 15 minutes within the heat. So

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the first thing to realize is that every marriage will have some sort of dispute and some sort of problem, it is impossible to have a marriage that will be free from this. If you have a marriage that is free from this, there's something wrong with that marriage, it is an abnormal marriage, where the husband and wife do not dispute and do not argue. We saw this in the life of the Messenger of Allah, we saw this in the life of the companions, it is just human nature. That is the first thing to understand. The second thing to understand is, you need to understand the causes behind this problem causes behind the problem. And as what we discussed last week, that understanding the

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opposite gender and busy lifestyle, it will help you understand the root cause of the problem, it will help you understand the root cause of the problem. So focus on the root cause of the problem, rather than the symptoms itself. Now, with that having been said, let us just say you've done that, and your marriage is still in turmoil. You're still struggling inside your marriage. What do you do at that time? The first step is advising your spouse, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, in one of the most, I guess, explicit Hadith, he says a dental naziha that this religion is sincere advice to one another. And after Allah subhanho wa Taala, after the Messenger of Allah

00:59:28--> 01:00:00

sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, after the Muslim rules, no one is more deserving of this than your spouse. No one is more deserving of this of your spouse. So you need to have a sit down with them and tell them Look, I don't like the way you speak to me. I don't like the way you act. I don't like this habit that you have. We need to find a way to change it up. So this is the first thing that needs to be done. So as soon as there's a problem, address the problem by the way, don't be like an ostrich. The ostrich puts its heads in the sand and it thinks the rhinoceros will disappear. But the second is Australia dresses and said all of a sudden bank it gets hit by their nostrils.

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And that's what happens with problems in your marriage, that you ignore them for so long till it becomes a huge mountain, and you can't deal with it anymore. So as soon as the problem arises, openly advise one another and communicate one another. Number two, is let's just say this advice does not work. This advice does not work. What do you do then? Then Allah subhanho wa Taala, he tells us to separate in the beds, he tells us to separate in the beds. The wisdom behind this is, is that once an individual has gotten accustomed to love, and to care and to tenderness, then absence makes the heart grow fonder. absence makes the heart grow fonder. So when you separate from the

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beds, you will naturally be willing to compromise on your position, and be the lights Allah that will help in the reconciliation. Another point to understand is, we spoke briefly last week about anger. And I want you to remember those points, that the number one rule when your marriage is that the both spouses should never be angry at the same time, only one should be allowed to be angry at one given time, and be given their opportunity, yet both of them should never be angry at the same time. So the separation doesn't work. So now let's just say if separation doesn't work, what should happen at that time, we introduced arbitration. And if you remember, the things to be discussed, is

01:01:16--> 01:01:54

that before the marriage, you guys should discuss that if we have a marriage problem, who is going to arbitrate our solution? You agree upon an Imam, you agree upon two good righteous individuals that they are going to negotiate on our behalf, and we will accept during negotiation. Now, let's just say the third case scenario doesn't work either. The third case scenario, it doesn't work either. What do you resort to in that time, Allah subhanho wa Taala has given you a way out, and that is what we call divorce. That is what we call divorce. Now I want to share the sooner way of getting divorced. And then we'll talk about mistakes that people make the tsunami of getting

01:01:54--> 01:02:31

divorced, then we'll talk about mistakes that people make. So the sooner way of getting divorced. The first thing that you need to understand is that divorce within itself is something permissible and is not something that is disliked within of itself. It can become disliked and it can become hard on based upon why a person is doing it. It can become disliked and it can become haram based upon why a person is doing it. That is why the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam says that the woman that asks for divorce without a very valid reason will not smell the fragrance of Paradise will not smell the fragrance of paradise. So that sort of divorce, it can become hard on so

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now the sooner way of getting divorced. Number one, is that the sooner way of getting divorced is not something that is done on the spot. It is not something that is done on the spot. Can we get a chair for Sheikh Hasina inshallah, she hasn't, please come and join me? You're going to come and say goodnight JazakAllah.

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So the first thing that needs to be understood about the tsunami of getting divorced is that it is not something that is done on the spot. So what is this mean? That in our day and age, so that when you come every one of these beautiful article focused on time, the center way of getting divorced, is that it is not something that is done on the spot in our day and age husband gets angry before he even thinks he is like until you're divorced. You know, that's it. But from a sooner perspective, a divorce is meant to be delayed and it is not done instantaneously. So that is the first aspect of the center. The second aspect of the center is how long should a person wait before pronouncing

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divorce to their spouse? How long should a person wait before pronouncing divorce to a spouse? It is encouraged that you wait one menstrual cycle and one purity. So you wait till her menstrual cycle and you wait till she becomes pure. That is how long you should wait before you pronounce the divorce. Meaning that you don't do it in a direct state of anger. So you can almost end up waiting close to like 40 days because if you you know the problem happens the day after she becomes pure. You wait till next menstrual cycle and next purity, you're almost waiting 40 days there. So you would wait that long before he pronounced the divorce. That is condition number two, that this is

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the length it is encouraged to wait. condition number three is that during that time, where you are contemplating divorce, you should not have nurtured relations with your spouse. During that time when you're contemplating divorce, you should not have marital relations with your spouse. So during periods of purity that you have that you're waiting, you do not have marital relations. And then the fourth and last aspect of the Sunnah is that when you do pronounce divorce, you pronounce the divorce once. So you say you are divorced or I am free from you or go back to the house of your family. Any word that can clearly be understood that you are separating from your wife. It should

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only be said once and should not to be said three times. If any of these rules are not abided by, then that divorce is still valid, but the husband is sinful at that time suffering

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Example. He divorces her during a state of menstruation, or he divorces or during a time where he has had marital intercourse with her and the time of purity, or,

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you know, the the husband, he divorces his wife three times in one sitting all of these scenarios, the divorce is still valid. But the husband is sinful for divorcing his wife in such a manner, he's doing sinful for divorcing his wife in such a manner. So now directly related to this is things that people do wrong. So divorcing three times in one go. That is, you know, very, very common, that the second husband gets upset, all of a sudden he tells his wife, your divorce, your divorce, you're divorced, that is not correct, that is not the way to go about it. The second thing, it should not be instantaneous, but it is a logical conclusion

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to not an emotional one, a logical one. And that is why the Sharia gives so much time. Number three that they shouldn't have had marital relations in that time. And number four, and this is an important one. This is unrelated to what was mentioned previously, that during the period of the editor, and the editor is the waiting period, where the wife will wait where she is still his wife. But he's not allowed or sorry, he's not supposed to have marital relations with her. If he does, it means he has taken her back. So during this period of the during the first divorce, it is three menstrual cycles and three periods. The reason why it's important to know the stream menstrual

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cycles and through purities. Does the woman spend the ADA in her house or in her husband's house? Who can tell me where is the woman went to spend the ADA

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in her house? Incorrect. She is meant to spend the ADA and the house of her husband. So she lives with her husband, just like they would normally live except for the fact that they don't have marital relations. Now who can point out the obvious wisdom behind this? What is the obvious wisdom behind this?

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Very easy to reconcile. So Allah subhana wa tada he wants reconciliation for the couple. And that is why the period of the Ender should be done in the husband's house in the husband's house. And this is how you understand on how heavy the Sharia focuses on this concept of reconciliation and taking the Tanakh very seriously. You know, there's things that you do not joke about stem from those things is the talaq that the talaq should not be joked about it is something that is always taken seriously. And that is why you see that the Shelia puts such heavy conditions. So now, Pollock can be done three times. So husband and wife have a fight, he divorces her once, and he does it

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according to the sooner he can take her back. If it's during the period of the IDA, a new marriage contract is not needed. If it's after the period of the day is over three menstrual cycles and duplications, he would need a new marriage contract at that time. And that's perfectly fine. This is valid for the first tooth Alex, when he's done the lock. Once he's done the lock twice. He has that period of three months to take her back. If he decides to take her back after the three months after three menstrual cycles and purification, he needs a new contract. Now after he has given her to lock the third time, this is no longer applies. The only way he can take her back at that time is that if

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she normally and legally gets married to someone else, consummated that marriage, and has a normal and legal divorce, then he can re propose and if she accepts again, then they would have to have a legal marriage contract again. So it shows you the emphasis of how easy and difficult allow makes it easy in terms of reconciliation, and easy if you need a genuine way out. But if you become abusive of the divorce, then Allah subhanaw taala creates it as a sort of punishment that you abuse the divorce. And then Allah subhanaw taala makes it difficult for you to get remarried again. Now divorce is the right of the men. Divorce is the right of the man. Now what if you have a woman that

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doesn't want to be married? And this case we have something called Hola. In this case, we have something called Hola.

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And before we get to that, let me mention something importantly over here is that in divorce

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the woman's mother, it becomes compulsory. So if the marriage has not been consummated, and she is divorced, then she's entitled to half of her dowry. If the marriage has become consummated, then she's entitled to her entire diary. She's entitled to her entire diary when she gets divorced. Now in the case of hula, this is when the woman requests from the man that I would like separation from you. So Sabbath is no case one of the companions of the Messenger of Allah. He got married to a woman, this woman comes up to the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and she says Yasuo Allah, I fear that I will be unable to fulfill his rights. Because I do not find him attractive

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anymore. I did not find him attractive

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anymore. So the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, I want you to look at this. He didn't say, you know, why don't you try to reconcile? Or why don't you wait till you find him attractive again, he didn't do that. He understood that this woman was genuine. She was sincere, she was honest, she wanted to stay away from oppressing her husband, the Messenger of Allah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam found a way out for her, he tells Tabitha no case that let her go, and that she would have to return them out. Or in this case, it was a garden, she would have to return the garden back to Sabbath mo case. So in the case of a hula, where the wife requests for separation, the wife

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would return back her dowry on the condition that the husband grants her her freedom. Now, the scholars differ that if you look at this Hadith, the prophet SAW I saw them tell stabbed in the case, that grantor talak, does he have to give her a lock? Or does he just have to say that you are separated from me and Allah, Allah knows best, it seems that he would see that you are separated on Cola, rather than using the word talaq over here, because there may be some sort of confusion. And this is the opinion of the humbling method, and Allah knows best. Now, in the case of the hula, there's two things that change. In the divorce, the woman has to go through a de fer three menstrual

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cycles and three purifications. And number two, she gets her dowry incomplete. And the case of the hula, the woman has to return her dowry. And then on top of that, her ADA is only one month, her ADA is only one month. Is everyone clear on this? Everyone clear? Now we move on to the issue of maintenance and custody, maintenance and custody. During the period of the ADA, it is compulsory upon the man to continue to provide for the woman provide the shelter, provide the food, provide the clothing, and any other necessity that she has any other necessity that she has, once the ADA is over, the woman is not,

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does not have the right to this financial maintenance anymore, she does not have the right to this financial and maintenance anymore. This is in the scenario when there are no children. This is the scenario when there are no children. Now we come to the scenario of children, the man is responsible to provide for his wife and for the children up until they reach the age of puberty up until the children reach the age of puberty. So is that clear, the man has to continue to provide once they have children, up until the age of puberty, particularly in our times, especially if a woman is looking after the children and she can't work, then he's even more obliged to provide for her for

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her needs, and even some of her wants. So there's no set amount that he would be paying. But it was something that they would both agree upon, where her needs are met, and even some of her wants would be met as well. So that is in terms of maintenance. And then in terms of custody in terms of custody, the general case scenario is that the children will go to the mother up and until she gets married up and until she gets married. So the children will go with the mother up and until she decides to get married. After that time, they will go to the Father in that situation, they will go to that father in that situation. Now the important thing to understand over here is that when it

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comes to custody, it should not become a battle of the parents. But it shouldn't be about who can provide the best upbringing for the child. And this is something that gets lost, that divorces when they're not done according to the sooner they get filled with so much hatred and so much animosity that the children end up suffering. And the children are not given their rights and they're not taken care of properly. And then they end up getting abused. And they actually become a tool of manipulation, that the Father will try to make the children hate the mother, the mother will try to make the children hate the Father. And this should not be the case at all. The parents should fear

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Allah subhanho wa Taala and not impose this upon their children. So that is the case of custody. And the main thing in the custody issue is whoever can provide the best Islamic upbringing as well as you know, General upbringing towards the children. And Allah subhanho wa Taala knows best. Let's conclude with questions. inshallah. Huzzah. I'll take three questions related to divorce. Go ahead.

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Yes, so the sooner so the bonus question is that he was reading something and there's talking about some the divorce and without divorce, sooner divorce is what I explained to you. And Buddha divorces, all those things that I mentioned that the divorce is still valid, but a person will be sinful for doing them. That is what they call the talaq. Biddy. That's what he's talking about the two questions go ahead.

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Yes.

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Right Sophie's All

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right, so in if he's doing this the first time or the second time, he can take her back, it's not a problem. If he's done this the third time, then after that time, he can't take her back.

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Now the issue is anger. You know, this is like the most common question I get asked literally, I don't know how many times a week, I divorced my wife in the state of anger, is my divorce valid. I want people to logically think about this question. Is there any person that will divorce his wife, and they'll be like, haha, I'm having a good time. You're divorced, by the way, divorce happens in the state of anger. The exemption for divorce, where the person is not held accountable is that the person is in such a state of anger, that he no longer has control over himself, that he becomes like, you know, the Incredible Hulk, he turns all green, and he ruins his clothes and he goes

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psychotic. And that case, yes, we will find a way out that this person has a serious temporary issue. Maybe we'll make an exemption for him, his luck would not be valid. But the general case scenario is that a husband divorces his wife in a state of anger. Now, if you don't know how to control your anger, that's your problem. If you don't want to divorce your wife according to the Sunnah, that's your problem. This is the punishment for going against the sinner. So in such a situation first and second time is fine. But third time, you would have to go through that process where she would have to get married again, and then divorce, consummate, and then get divorced. And

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then he can propose to her. And I'm not talking about that right now.

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I said two questions. So these are the last questions right now.

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These are the last questions, no more hands. So 1234 and five, five. That's it. Let's start with our right go ahead.

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Any sooner that you need to follow? So in such a situation?

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This actually requires a lot of work that What does Islam contour fires look like consummation. So the Jumeirah dilemma they said, if a man is alone with his wife, and he has the ability to do Dhokla, discounters Dhokla, whether he did or not, right, this is college, you have another group of scholars that said, No, it actually has to be the physical act itself. So putting this issue aside, let's just say they've agreed that you know, there was no Dhokla. In such a situation, her idea would only be one month and the dowry is given, half the dowry is given to her half of the dowry will be given to her and Allah knows best. Who's next? Go ahead.

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Yeah.

01:17:22--> 01:17:57

Right. Excellent. So the key thing is the husband needs to fear Allah subhanho wa Taala. The husband, he should not abuse this right. Now in a Muslim country, what would end up happening, she ends up going to the Muslim judge or the Muslim ruler, and then the Muslim judge or the Muslim ruler will grind through that color. And that's no easy done case. Now living in the West, it becomes, you know, a different case scenario, we don't have a Cody, we don't have a Muslim ruler, what does he end up doing? In such a situation, the man will try to get involved and try to encourage the husband go ahead and give her that a lot given a separation. In extreme circumstances, the man may even step

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in and give her the hula, or as acting as the court you're acting as, you know, the Muslim ruler at that time. But this is a very rare case scenario. And in fact, this is a very burdensome position to be in as an email, when you have a situation where the wife wants Cola, and she has a valid reason but the man will not give it to her. It's like a catch 22 years like you're stuck in a hard place, and we will advise the brothers to fear Allah subhanaw taala and be just at all times, Allah knows best.

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That's what he was asking as well. This is a completely different long fish. We have discussed this from the time of the Sahaba that does three talaq SQL one or the st. Alex equal three. And I would suggest go study Africa. Of course, I'm not giving an answer on that Allah knows best. Or ask them privately. And I'll give you my opinion, I'm not going to state in public good.

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reasons.

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Divorce excellent. The number one reason why people are getting divorced is compatibility. compatibility is the number one issue. So man gets married based upon locks, the woman gets married on the assumption that she's going to be pampered and taken care of the honeymoon phase finishes. And lo and behold, you're married to a monster. And that situation, they realize he wants to be a practicing righteous person. She wants to become like going out and partying. They're no longer compatible, different goals, different ambitions. So that's the number one thing number two is when egos come into play. So for example, people who are ended up Jani, they're very sensitive, and they

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end up abusing their relationship to do just boosts their own ego. That's the second thing. Number three, finances come into play. Finances come into play. That's a huge thing. You know, the husband feels threatened that his wife is earning more than him. It damages his ego. That becomes another case problem. So those are the three biggest things compatibility, ego and finance. And then you can add maybe number four, the role of the in laws, that's always especially when the you know, the subcontinent, India, Pakistan, Bangladesh. That's like a huge issue all the time.

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Where people will be end up getting divorced. So those are like the four primary reasons and Allah knows best when there's someone that I skipped. I skipped you too. I apologize. Go ahead. Let's go with him first.

01:20:11--> 01:20:12

Yes,

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no, I discussed this in detail in the first lecture. So you can get the detailed response in the first lecture. In summary, it needs to be specified at that time what the method is going to be, but it can be delayed to a later date, it can be delayed to a later date, but I mentioned not leave the woman hanging, he shouldn't say indefinitely, that I will give you your mother, but rather it should be specified within five years, within three years, or something along those lines, he shouldn't leave it hanging altogether. And Allah knows best last question.

01:20:53--> 01:20:54

So explain the human part

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one, yeah.

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Right. So according to the majority of scholars, if you have a conditional talak with a man says, If you to do this, you are divorced or if you are not to do do this, you are divorced. According to the majority of scholars, this The lock is valid that the second she does that act, or the second she doesn't do that act, then she would be divorced one talak at that time.

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I got tricked, man. Go ahead.

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She's hiding this.

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Right. So the idea for a pregnant woman is until she delivers the baby. So for a woman who's pregnant, her adult will last until she delivers the baby. And yes, as you mentioned, she's not allowed to hide the pregnancy, she's not allowed to hide the pregnancy. And Allah subhanaw taala knows best. I'll conclude with recommending a book for the flick of doors actually, two books I recommend a bit later. Number one, I know we have at the eighth and eighth location. It's called Manhattan Muslim, Manhattan Muslim, we have this there's a detailed section on divorce and how to do it according to the center, what is allowed what is not allowed. You can research it over there. If

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you don't research this, and this is advice, particularly for the sisters, there's a three volume encyclopedia on the flick of women, three volume Encyclopedia of women. There's no name of the author on this. But it's published by the data salon research team, data center, research team, building lights, and there's a detailed section on Tanaka and Hola. And your rights and all that thing. three volumes,

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Encyclopedia of the fear of women, you can look it up over there as well. And most importantly, I would suggest and this is my final concluding advice.

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Just like any profession in life, you know, you want to become a doctor, you want to become an engineer, you go through years and years of education. Before you become qualified for that your marriage your deen is even more critical to be studied. So take your marriage, take your deen just as seriously and even more seriously. So before you get into marriage, learn about rights and responsibilities. Learn about the Sunnah way of living with your life with your wife, learn about the sinner way of divorcing your wife, learn about what is allowed what isn't allowed. And this will resolve so many problems. when problems arise. The biggest problem that people have is that when

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problems arise, they don't know what to do. So they start making emotional decisions. And that's what creates the chaos, that rather than thinking logically rather than following the sooner, they're just following their desires and following their emotions, wanting to cause the most amount of pain and hurt possible. And this is when people become oppressive and extremely sinful. And that's what you want to stay away from bentonites Allah May Allah protect us and bless us and except from us. This is my last telecabine like to Allah we've concluded the series moving forward as a community. Starting from next week Sheikh Hasina will be the night Allah will be taking over I want

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to thank all of you for attending and for you know, being good students does that come lock Allah Subhana Allah hold Toby Hamrick shadowline, a stockbroker to ineke wa Salaam Alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuh