Nadim Bashir – Joint Family System in Islam

Nadim Bashir
AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the negative impact of the "monster" mentality that comes with the lack of privacy and lack of privacy on women. They stress the importance of healthy relationships and joint family systems in addressing issues of marriage, as it is not realizative. The speakers also warn against bringing in multiple brothers into a situation where the wife is living under the same roof, as it would result in a violation of privacy. They emphasize the importance of avoiding conflict and taking responsibility for one's behavior in order to avoid privacy.
AI: Transcript ©
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Salam aleikum Warahmatullah wabarakatuh Bismillah Hamano Haman hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was someone or Salim Hamid while he also hobbies Ryan. For the past several Saturdays, we have been trying to focus on family related issues or family related matters. There's a lot of things are going on within our families. And because we don't talk about them from a religious perspective, what eventually begins to happen is that the primary narrative what's the whether it's a belief, or behavior, or a practice within our cultures, it becomes a dominant behavior or dominant practice, or belief. So that is why it's very important for us that even when it comes to our family

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related matters or issues, we have to understand what is what what is our deen saying about it? What has our Islam said about those kinds of things? Today, inshallah I want to take and address a question that has come up to me many times in, in counseling sessions, or whether they are phone calls. And that is that what has our deen say, said about the joint family system? is Islam recommending it? Or is Islam against it? How should families handle these kinds of issues going forward? So today, inshallah I want to talk about this, first of all, is that when we talked about the joint family system? The question is that, why are people opting for the joint family system,

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there can be several reasons. Number one is that either the husband's parents are very elderly, they're racing, or they're dependent on him, or number two is that which we have seen in many cultures, and is still a practice till today, that there is not a very, this, the husband or the man does not have a formal education, because he does not have a formal education, he is dependent on his father. And so what he has done is that the Father may have a really established wall to do business. And what usually many fathers do is that they want to, you know, bring their sons and have their sons to be part of their business going forward. So what happens is that the son gets like a

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very, you know, either he will get like a very basic education, or he probably will, they will not acquire any kind of education. And they're under this assumption that we'll just be dependent on our Father's business will work with our Father, and so forth. So that is a situation that you find many times too. And the third situation is, which is a reality, which is, I mean, once again, is I'm not very proud to say this, but it is a reality. And that is that you find many men who have been so spoiled when they're being raised by their parents, that they cannot survive without their parents. And this is why this is where I will say this, that mothers, please do not spoil your sons, when it

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comes to their room, let them clean their own room, when it comes to the basic things that they can do. You don't have to do it for them. This is how you spoil them. And sometimes these men become so spoiled, they realize that they cannot live without their mothers. So hence, they have decided internally, they have made this decision that when we get married, I'm going to bring my wife into my house, and she's going to be living over here, she will be able to take care of some domestic responsibilities. But at the same time, having my mother alongside with me, is absolutely important. And once again, this is another issue that I've talked about this in some other videos. So these are

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several reasons why many people they opt for the the joint family system now, how should we address the joint family system prior to marriage? It is very important. In fact, in all my premarital counseling sessions that I personally conduct, I always bring this up the what is your living arrangements after marriage? What are you planning to do? And what we have seen is that many times the women she refuses, that I do not want to live with your parents, and many times men, including the men's or the man's parents, they see that as like a very negative thing. They see that as a, you know, they see that as a blemish or a as a negative character, I will say on behalf of the woman.

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And by the way, there's nothing wrong with that if a woman says that I do not want to live with your parents after marriage, she has a right to say that. And it is also equally the right of the man to say that you know what, if this is something that he cannot survive without, then he can say that you know what I perhaps this is not the right engagement for me, he can break off the engagement or break off the talks and so forth. There's nothing wrong with that. But to sit there and first of all, they should bring this up prior to marriage. And number two is that if a woman says no, then they should not be considered or they should not be classified or that

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The answer should not be a means to question someone's thought to be a or someone's character. That's absolutely wrong. And once again, this shouldn't be discussed. And I've seen many cases also where the husband says that, okay, you know what, let's get married. For the first six months, we'll live together with my parents. And then after six months, we will move out, and Subhanallah Believe it or not, there are many cases, majority of the cases that I have seen is that the husband does not fulfill his end of the bargain, he does not fulfill his promise, six months turns into eight months, nine months, one year, one year turns into two years. And the wife is saying that you promised me

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prior to marriage, that we will live separately. And that is why I'm saying at this point, that when you are about to get married, this should be one of the most important discussions that needs to take place. And when that happens, there should be a an agreement in place. That means that if the husband says, okay, you know what, after six months, we will move out, there has to be an agreement in place. And once again, there should be consequences in my own personal opinion, there has to be consequences, the family should be held accountable, he should be held accountable, because he made a promise to his wife. Now, of course, it goes without saying that if he tells his wife, or he does

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ask his wife that can we just make six months into nine months? And she says, Absolutely, it's fine, then there's no problem with that. But once again, this has to be discussed prior to marriage. Now, what happens after marriage, this is the key thing here. First of all, I must say this, there is no Quranic IRA. And there's no Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam that recommends the joint family system, it is not virtuous compared to the non joint family system, there is no one that is preferable over the other. So that is why when people say that this is part of our deen, this is how families are supposed to live. This is how Muslim families are supposed to live. That's

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absolutely wrong. Once again, as I said earlier, because we have not talked about this for such a long time. That is why many people believe that the cultural system is the Islamic system. And that is not true at all. The next thing that is very important also to understand is that the joint family system is recommended. In the case that the has the or the the husband's parents are absolutely elderly, and they are completely dependent on on their son, and so forth. So that is why it's very important that in that particular situation, I will say that then they should live together, because someone needs to the husband needs to look after his parents and so forth. It is

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not wise at that time or that situation that where they're living separate. And the parents are living separate. Because once again, what if the parents fall down what if something happens to them, they need their sons eight right away. So that's why in that particular situation, I would say that fine, it makes complete sense that they live in a joint family system. The other situation in which I will say that

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the joint family system can work is if the woman has her own separate quarter. Now there are a lot of people, they live in a joint family system. But for example, one entire floor is dedicated to the wife, the wife has her own, like sort of like a mini kitchen, she has her own living room, she has her own space, parents are living downstairs, they don't usually, you know, come in each other's way and so forth, unless the wife has to sometimes go into the kitchen and cook food for the entire family and so forth. But otherwise, she has her own quarter, she has her own privacy and so forth. That is fine. If a husband says to his wife, you will live with me in a joint family system. And

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once again, there should be no one else out there, there should be no one else out there. That should be her own reserved space because a woman does need her privacy. The next thing is also I will say that if there's ever a situation where the house is cramped, okay, the house is cramped. Like, for example, there was a brother who came to me and he told me that or this is actually a woman telling me that they house where the household where she got married into that house is so small, and they only have one bathroom. And you can just imagine the shame, you know that you know, even though there's nothing haram being done, but just for the woman to go and she's taking a shower

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or the man is taking a shower, you of course you understand exactly where I'm going with this. Everyone understands what's going on. And it is almost a source of shame. And one way that this is, you know, when it comes to intimacy and so forth. This is a private matter between a husband and a wife and so forth. So that is why if there's ever a situation where there's so many people living in one house or under one roof, then in that particular situation, I do not recommend the joint family system. I do not recommend that the husband should bring his wife into that particular situation. It's not right with her and it's a violation of her privacy. Now we also find in many in many

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religious families, in fact, in many religious families, where there are multiple brothers so the so the husband

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or the person who is getting married, who is the husband, he has many brothers, and they're all living under the same roof. So what happens in that situation is that if he brings a wife into his life, and she's living under the same roof, then she has to constantly be in the meet in the in the state of hijab, because when it comes to their brother in law, see once again, in our cultures, there is so much, you know, comfortableness, there is so much.

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You know, people are very comfortable, I will say, or people do not apply any kind of restrictions when it comes to the brother in law. Yes, I'm not saying that when it comes to brother in law's, you know, yes, our dean has saying that we have to apply for a job, a sister in law has to apply a job in front of her brother in law. There's no question about that. Absolutely. No question about that. And yes, you can be living, you can be in the same room, for example, or like, for example, when families come together, sit down with each other, of course, a wife, she has an ex or a husband in that particular situation. But once again, we should not violate the grounds of hijab and so forth.

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So here's what I'm trying to say. If if there's a situation where they have to live under the same roof, then I would never ever recommend, I would never ever recommend that a woman is put in a situation where she has to live with her husband under the same roof where he or she has brother in law's because once again there's a Hadith of the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam narrated by Akbar EBITA Ahmed or the Allah one, where he said to the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, the Prophet alayhi salam saying that beware of entering upon women. So the Prophet of Islam is making us aware that Be careful when you enter upon women. So the province of Salah I mean, all the way where

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Amir is saying he's narrating this hadith he says, A man from the Ansara was saying there and he stood up. And he said, yet so Allah, what about the brother in law mean that apparently there will be no, you have to understand they may not they were not probably living in the same place. But because the houses because at that time, the houses were so close to each other, they can easily walk into other people's homes and so forth. They were next to each other, they will not separate, like we see in many cases. So here this, this man is saying that what if I just walked into the second house, and I'm the brother in law, I mean, there's, you know, we're, you know, this woman is

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married to my brother, and so forth. There's a certain comfortable comfortableness and so forth. What are the promises some say? He says, I'll have a remote. He says Alehissalaam, that the brother in law is depth mean that there are cases where we find where if the rules and the laws of a job are violated, then there are cases where we have heard that where there can be infidelity, and there is cheating that goes on and so forth. And once again, I want to go into too many details here about this. But this is a reality, the fact that the province, some said it, that is it for us, we don't need any more evidence. So that is why I don't ever recommend that if husband and wife have to live

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under the same roof. And she does not have her own private quarter and so forth. And she does not have the liberty to go around the house. But she has to go always in a job that this is not fair with any wife. Now there are cases, once again, I have to make this clear, there are there are cases where I've seen where on the bottom floor, parents are living this. And then the second floor, you have one brothers living with his family, and then the next for another brothers living with his entire family and so forth. They have their own kitchen, they have their own bedroom, they have their own bathrooms, they have everything completely separated, there's nothing wrong with that,

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there's nothing wrong with that, because they actually have their own pretty much their own homes is just one is one floor is stacked upon the other. That's all it is. So that's fine. But to live under the same roof, where the wife cannot get out of the house, or if she wants to go around the house, and she has to be in a job all day long. It is not right with her. And it's not right for the brothers, because once again, it could become an uncomfortable kind of situation. The last thing I will say also is that

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we also understand that when it comes to joint families, whether we're talking about the husband's parents come in living in, or the wife's parents come living in it works both ways. So if the if the husband's parents are living, or if the husband's family is living with him, of course the rules have to be applied over there. Let's just say if if the man says okay, you know what, I'm gonna go and live with my in laws. So it's also equally important that there has to be a job over there. And once again, I don't recommend that in case where his wife has sister so the man has sister in laws and so forth. Once again, you have the hijab issue there too. But let's just say if only the

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husband's parents want to come and live with their son, or let's just say if the wives parents want to come and live with their daughter and so forth. There's nothing wrong with that. But I will lastly say this. It is very important that we talk to our spouse about this. See many times husbands, they will say that, you know what, it's my parents, I don't need my wife's permission. And what you're doing is that you're violating her space. You're a son

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You're violating the her space, she should be, she should be made aware of it, you should have that discussion with her as a man, because that is her right? It's not right that you have people coming in. And there are many families I've seen, where the then the parents come in, and Subhanallah, the husband begins to his behavior becomes very negative, his character becomes very negative. And many times even when these families come in, they start to mistreat the wife very bad. And so once again, in any situation, if you want to bring the family in, you must discuss this with your family, discusses with your kids and so forth. And if they can work with each other, and everyone is on

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their best behavior, and everyone is respectful to no problem, you can live in a joint family system. But if you know that there is going to be issues there is going to be constant conflicts, then I will strongly recommend that you get a two separate dwellings for your family, for your parents and for your for your spouse and your children. I ask ALLAH SubhanA whether to give us to speak about these kinds of matters. Once again, the reason why I'm addressing this is because this has been a constant question that has come and there's been many issues in our families and in our communities because we don't have the proper education about these matters. May Allah subhanho wa

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Taala bring peace to our families. May Allah subhanaw taala keep us happy in sha Allah when it comes to our family affairs. I mean, no but I mean, Zack moolah had a salam Wa alaykum wa rahmatullah wa barakato

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in many Muslim me no other Muslim Do you want meaning I will not Mina Do you want to call Neeti now on ether thing was logged in again I was logged in Ponte wasabi arena was Slavia rod Do you want to for sharing you know

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what and for Shireen? I want to call she is the one downside BNP now one downside the party was slow on me now was all in

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one heavy Lina photo gentlemen one half your warranty was there good enough long along I guess.

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What's the guilt or I don't know who

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what and gentlemen Eileen.

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