Family Issues #12 – Marrying off your daughter without her consent

Nadim Bashir

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Channel: Nadim Bashir

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AI: Summary © The speaker discusses various issues related to premarital counseling and the idea of increasing divorce rates in society. They emphasize the importance of protecting one's assets and liabilities in a premarital situation and emphasize the need to give time to the relationship between the husband and his wife to protect their children. They also mention that there may be a situation where a woman asks about her parents' relationship, but the speaker explains that it is a potential situation. The speaker emphasizes the importance of protecting one's marital relationships and children, as it is important to protect their mental health and financially.
AI: Transcript ©
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So today inshallah I'm going to share with you just few questions that have come to me. And it's all of this has benefits of all of us in sha Allah. First of all, is that I received an email from a sister. Basically, she's saying that she served, she first start off her email by saying that she's very disappointed that the Islamic laws that favor men over women. This is how she started off her email. And then she began to go on this rant about how She despises the laws of Islam.

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And so I'm trying to wonder exactly what is the issue when someone comes to me like that, that I don't like how things are and so forth. Usually there's a trigger, there's something that has happened in their life, even Subhan Allah when people tell me that I don't believe in Allah. Okay. There's something that has, that must have happened. When someone says that if ALLAH SubhanA wa, tada existed, why is there evil on earth? There's something that has happened in their life that triggers this mindset. So I was begin reading began reading the email. And she began talking about that, why is it allowed for Woolies to forcefully put their daughters into a marriage against their

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own will. So I was able to respond to her completely by did tell her to like, you know, schedule an appointment, and let's talk about this. But the point I'm trying to make is this. In our deen, there is no place that says that a woman is to be forced into a marriage against her own consent, and against her own will. There is no place in our deen, though, culturally till today, it happens in many places. I've had other women come to me and tell me, they were brought to they were brought somewhere to a certain country, I'm not going to name the country. They were brought to a certain country from here taken to another country. And there was no subject subject of marriage, there was

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no discussion of marriage. And all of a sudden out of the blue one man was brought. And the father said that I want you to marry him. And that is it. I'm the one he I'm the one who makes the decision. And hence you have to get married to him. And she's thinking to herself, I don't even know this man. I've never communicated with this man. He and I are we compatible or not? There's so many discussions that are in the picture over here. And I have no clue and yet I was put into this marriage. Remember that there was the same situation did occur also in the time of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wasallam. And there was a girl who came to the prophets of Salaam and she said to

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Yara so Allah, I was forced into a marriage against my own will Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam called called The man called the Father. And right in front of him, he asked her Dad, are you are you okay with this marriage or not? And she said, No, I'm not okay with this marriage. Rasulullah sallallahu it was some he broke off that Nika on the spot. He broke that Nika on the spot. On the flip side, there was another situation also where a woman came and she said, he got us to Allah, I was forced into a marriage against my own will. Later on the problem some again, call the father and as in front of father asked the girl, are you okay? In staying in the sneaker in

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marriage? He she said, Yes, I'm okay with it. But I want you to explain to him that he's not to be doing this ever again. So Rasulullah sallallahu, some reprimanded the men. And of course, you ever reprimanded a man and told him that you are not to be doing this with any one of your other daughters. So the point is, that there are things that are happening within our cultures, there are things that happen within certain families, that then people, especially our teenagers, our upcoming generation, they get a very bad taste of what Islam is, it's once again our job to bring about and show them the best picture of Islam. And this is clearly not Islam. Now, another issue that has

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come, as you know, come to my attention. And this is something I'm starting to see more and more often, especially with the divorce rates are, are increasing in our society, in our communities. And what's happening is that I gave a talk about this few several weeks ago, that when it comes to the laws of Allah subhanho wa Taala if we ever feel that there is another law, that supersedes the laws of Allah subhana wa Dhana. Allah subhanho wa Taala refers to these people as a volley moon, Allah refers to these people as the oppressors. And there's a very full, there's a full story many mentioned so the note about this, and there are some ayat referring to this, you can go back to my

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previous video regarding that. But the point is this is that many people are coming to me today and saying that, for example, their wives are saying that if by sharing, I'm going to get only this much if I end up in a divorce, and if I go to court, I can get this much And subhanAllah there are some women by the way, may Allah bless their hearts and give them a long life Inshallah, that they know. They understand that they're going to make give, they're going to get a lot less money, but they understand that they

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Have a guilty conscience. They have some Allah and reverence of Roswaal some in their heart. And they say I will take a little less. And I will not go through, for example, the court system. But Subhanallah you'll be shocked how many women also today are saying, I will go to court. Why? Because I'll get more. And they have openly said, I don't care about Szechuan. I don't care what Allah and His Prophet Salman has declared and decided for me and my heart, I want more and they will go for that. First of all, they have to answer to Allah subhana wa Tada on the day of judgment. And clearly, there's no question about that. But at the same time, the question many men are asking me

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now is, how do we, how do we protect ourselves? Now let's take a step back. I'm going to I'm going to answer another question. Some people have even come to me and asked me that even if we take certain steps, prior to marriage to protect ourselves, is this proven from the Quran and the Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam? And the answer is yes, there is nothing wrong and protecting yourself. If you know that there is potential, there is a potential situation that could cause you some serious financial damage, not only financial damage, psychological damage, emotional damage, and so forth, then yes, you can protect yourself. So quickly, I want to run through some things with

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all of you. So you understand that even if you have kids, you might be married right now. But if you have kids, and they are about to get married, you understand this, first of all, is that there's something called premarital counseling. premarital counseling, basically, is that both people are brought together to the counselor, and they go through some certain things with them, they understand them, they go through, you know, understand, understand them, their family dynamics, how do they meet each other, how long they know each other, and so forth. And then they give them some they give them some advices me personally, when people come to me for premarital counseling, I

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usually have a set amount of questions. And I usually cover 20 areas to zero 20 areas of marriage. And by the way, I usually ask a lot of difficult questions and very uncomfortable questions when it comes to marriage and premarital counseling. Because my belief is you rather address the difficult questions prior to marriage. Otherwise, you're going to have some major serious issues after marriage. And so this is one thing premarital counselors and one thing. Another thing that I will tell you all is there's something called pre nuptials. And there's a very big misunderstanding when it comes to pre nuptials. Pre nuptials is not about how you're going to live with each other. You

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know, that's not what professionals are. Pre nuptials are related to only only divorce. If in case this happens prior to the marriage, you journey you need attorneys involved. But what happens is that you discuss in the premium in the prenuptial that in case there's a divorce, how will the assets be divided? Now usually I've told Muslims when I told Muslims about this, they're like, you know, sure, I don't want to be discussing about a divorce even when the marriage has not even taken place. But I'll tell you, honestly, the amount of divorces that are taking place right now. And I've seen couples, I've seen couples will law he's spending $300,000 and attorney fees fighting each

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other fighting each other. I kid you don't want to say $300,000 By the way, $300,000 for each party, husband has spent $300,000 wife has spent $300,000. I mean, you when you say the word $300,000. You can almost buy a house over here. And yet they're fighting in court. Why? Because they don't have a prenuptial in place. They want more and more and more. So that is why it is very important that yes, I understand discussing divorce prior to a marriage can become an can become a difficult discussion. But if you discuss this even Subhanallah a lot of a lot of women have also come to me and told me that we had a Maha for example, in our contract in r&d got contract we had a matter macadam, and a

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Muhammad and my husband not give me a Maha Maha. And I told her the reason why you will not get that Muhammad offer, first of all is that the husband should give them a hug. But if the but since the prenuptial is not done, the husband, the husband does not feel obligated that he has to give them a hug, because there's nothing binding in the court of law here. If you put together a prenuptial and you say that these are my assets I'm bringing into the marriage, this is their assets bring into the marriage. And if we were to perhaps get divorced one day, this is yours. This is mine. This is a Maehara and so forth. There is nothing wrong with that then in that case, you do protect yourself.

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But a lot of times if we have the same mindset, I don't want to be discussing divorce prior to marriage. And God forbid there is a divorce that takes place. Trust me, you're going to be spending a whole lot more. You're going to be spending a whole lot more. The third thing is when it comes to this matter is there's something called a premarital agreement. Now I talked about this few few weeks ago, that when it comes to women working

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And usually there should be a discussion prior to prior to marriage between the husband and wife is why it's gonna work or not first of all is ALLAH SubhanA wa Tada has designated for the man to go and work and earn and buy a quantities of the Quran in a quantities of Quran and Sunnah of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, by default, the woman should be staying at home, there's no question about that. I had a sister who came to me and told me, after I have a child, I mean, my husband, we want to have a child. But two weeks after I have a child, I want to go back to work, I don't want to stay at home and do therapy on my child. And I had to explain to her sister What's

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wrong with you. She is your child. I mean, this is your child, you've already built a connection. And now two weeks after you are so obsessed with work that you want to go and work over there, while your child who's under the therapy of your child. So this is something that today unfortunately, many women, they feel that there is more respect in going out and working than staying home and doing tarbiyah. So these are things that have to be discussed were in a premarital agreement. And by the way, if there's a premarital agreement, and there's a contract, and there's an agreement and both sign it, then if someone breaches that contract that you can take them to court for that, and

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you can create a case out of that. So that is why these are things that today I believe, and I'm strongly encouraging everyone to hear that you have to protect yourself. If you have children that are about to get married, they have to protect themselves. Otherwise, I've come across cases on a daily basis, where it's very nasty. And because there's no Premarital Agreement, there is no pre nuptials. Now, subhanAllah, a woman says, I'm going to take you to court, she has no fear of Allah subhanho wa taala. So this is why it's very important to protect your marriage. Finally, there was a sister who also contacted me and talked to me about just her marital issues and our marital

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struggles are going on. And just talking about that, you know, her and her husband, they had a really good relationship, then, of course, when kids come into the picture, then of course, you know, the focus becomes the kids and so forth. And I will say this,

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I understand that when it comes to our kids, we have to provide them a tarbiyah I understand that we have to look out for them, I understand that we have to teach them out and teach them D and teach them religion and so forth. And we have to constantly look out for them. But one advice I will have for everyone here, especially husbands and wives, everyone here, and anyone who's watching listening, you have to make sure that you cannot look after the kids at the expense of your marriage. The marriage, the relationship between a husband and wife, I will say this very bluntly, is the priority here. Husband and wife need to ensure that their marriage and their relationship is

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strong. You cannot destroy your marriage and not give each other time while you're looking out for the kids. Because there are many cases where the kids become the priority. And then one feels neglected, then the other one feels neglected. And then there is a divorce and a separation that takes place. So that is why we have to protect our marriages, we have to protect our families Wallahi if the husband and wife focus on their relationship, and they make sure that they give their relationship time and commitment, then both husband and wife will be there for their kids. But if the husband and wife don't look after each other, and they don't look after their relationship, and

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they don't give time to their relationship, in order for it to grow, and so forth. And usually what happens is at the beginning of the marriage, there is a lot of happy times, but then later on down the road, there is no happy times and so forth. That is why the marriage of itself in itself has to be the priority. If the marriage is taken care of, then both husband and wife are gonna give time to their kids. But if the relationship there a lot of families, the fathers don't give time at all to their kids And subhanAllah we sit down the father why? Because my wife has neglected all my rights. And it happens also vice versa too. So that is why it is very important that when it comes to your

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kids, yes, you love your kids. Yes, you want to take care of your kids. Yes, you want to educate them, but not at the expense of your marriage, your marriage, your relationship, the relationship between husband and wife is the priority and then come the kids. So he just wanted to mention this also because this is affecting many families also. So inshallah we'll stop right here I ask Allah subhana wa Tada to give us all to fit in sha Allah. May Allah protect our families may Allah subhana wa Taala strengthen our families and global aalameen What is that from Allah Hayden said I'm Ali C'mon to labor

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in Muslim in our Muslim Lima Do you want to know meaning I will not mean it will quantity now not on it? The more saw the pain I was saw the bond the one saw the

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At no Slavia Do you want to for sharing you know one

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one voice hearing I want to do one downside BP now one downside the party was on me now was all in

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one heavy Lena photo gentleman won half the award the was that good enough? Guess

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what the guilt or I don't know hula hoop

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down

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Eileen