The Etiquette of Disagreement – Episode 11
Channel: Muhammad West
File Size: 8.20MB
We live in a Cheeto no GMO, no human hamdulillah herbal amino salatu salam ala Sayyidina Muhammad wa ala alihi wa sahbihi Marine, a beloved brothers and sisters in Islam as salaam alaikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato
appraisement Allah subhanho wa Taala Allah, Allah, Allah Allah, we have a witness that none has the right to be worshipped except Allah. We send our greetings and love and salutations to be Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam who is pricing pure family and all those of his own mother, follow the sun until the end of time. May Allah subhanho wa Taala bless us in this new year gulaman want to behave 1440 Welcome to the new year, if you didn't know, we are now in Muharram. And may Allah subhanaw taala bless us. I mean,
we continue with our CDs, it tickets of disagreement part 1100 love CDs gone on for quite quite some time. And I hope it's still enjoyable.
We're talking about why marriages fail. And we're speaking last week about conflict resolution. And I hope that Alhamdulilah but it's been something which you could find beneficial that you could use in your life in your marriage, something that I need to, obviously something that I myself to try to implement.
You know, and we see that Alhamdulillah that if this if we can resolve our conflict, this is the major reason why marriages fail, because no matter how great we are, how pious we are, even if you marry you'll find even the Prophet sallallahu Sallam and his wife I shadowed the one even they there was differences. But the way in which the problem resolved the conflict is one example that we gave in our, you know, women around the messenger, once the processor and I shared on the other day the disagreement on what we don't know what it is about. And I she was upset. So then abyssal said to her, okay, would you feel happy if we bring a third party to come and mediate? And who would you be
happy with? abubaker? Nobody said that. Yes. So yes, I'm happy with my dad. My dad obviously didn't take my side. So the professor says to her, so Abu Bakar is the the professor there. And he says to Ayesha, okay, you can go ahead and you can speak first. So she speaks and she begins to speak loudly. You know, she raises her voice. She's emotional. And when she does that, abubaker becomes upset with her. How dare you speak like this to the enemies of Salaam. And he gets up and he wants to heat up. So then abbyson jumps up between eyeshadow bucket, and he says tobacco stop. I didn't bring you for this. I didn't come Yes, you can eat soba leaves. And then the problem looks at it
like and he says to her? Do you see how it protected you from him? How do you think I should have felt after that argument then has you know is the is the best man in the world again. Right. So this is the art of solving conflicts, the possible I'm just had this way. But of course, some couples will never be able to solve the conflicts and will be some differences that are just beyond reconciliation, some damage is too severe to fix. And therefore a marriage needs to come to an end. And I will share here permits divorce divorce is one of those things which is part of our Sharia. It's being permitted by Allah subhanho wa Taala. But of course, it's one of those things that we
take very, very seriously. We take it very seriously promises three things that you take very seriously the three most serious commitments. When you enter a marriage, you make a couple Tunica ha, that's serious. When you make a divorce, serious, even joking counts. And when you free a slave, if you say to the manual free contacted back, right, this is serious. So the steps in your marriage, what is the process? People often ask me, you know, we had this big fight? Is it is it time for us to get divorced? Right? How do I go about the process? So there's a process that you should follow? And the Sharia advises you first try to avoid conflict from the beat from the beginning, right? So
choose a compatible spouse, choose and you know, from your side, you know, this is going to lead to conflict. So I try my best to avoid conflict. Okay, so that's the first thing. Preventive prevention is better than a cure. Right? So we always start to prevent conflict. That's our we are proactive, or reactive.
Once these are conflict, unfortunately, we try to resolve it amongst yourselves husbands and wives, especially new couples, don't run to your parents with the Imam every time you have a fight. Please don't listen to me. I'm tired sometimes, you know,
I don't like being a referee. Because that puts a problem in my marriage because then I have to go home and why were you late tonight that makes my life difficult. So try to resolve it on your own. First, it's a good learning experience. Try to resolve it on your own. Give it time, it's okay to get upset and to get angry, to be frustrated. It's fine days weeks and go by that's fine, that's normal. But if you find that you are not able to resolve this conflict and you're miserable, and it's just too much unbearable, you get to the point of breaking. Now get a third party in and I always say don't bring a family member in that because that's not an independent, get an independent
third party, maybe your mom, maybe some psychologist counselor, that's the best person and they let that person try to show you how to resolve your conflict.
If after counseling and these things don't work, then you have a choice. Do I just live with us? We agree to disagree, right? She's always going to be like this. He's always going to be like that. He's not going to change. But I weigh the good and the bad, I'll take him with his faults. I'll take her with a false okay. So then you agree, either agree to disagree and move forward. Or if this is some issue that you can't live with the entire separation, temporary separation and Allah mentions in the Quran, that if a man feels from his wife, some kind of new shoes, some kind of very, very bad, bad ways like she was very strict to it doesn't mean she cooking is bad, or she's a bit grumpy.
No, no shoes is like even might even mean she's flirtatious with other men serious stuff, then separate from her. Like I said, Before talaq do a temporary separation. Let's see how you are without one another because absence makes the heart grow fonder. Maybe you realize, you know, what, we want each other so much will will make will compromise, temporary separation, if after you've separated and you realize, you know what, life is better? being apart, I'm actually happier. My I'm a better person of the separation, then perhaps the law is the way for you. The law is the way for you. Is it time for divorce questions to ask yourself, and I hope none of you are at the space in
your life. But if and all managers actually go to a point where you will think is this really what I didn't sign up for this? Is this what I want. Ask yourself Firstly,
in Albania, what is my near for exiting? If I want to exit this marriage? Why am I doing it? What's the reason behind it? And ultimately, we sit? Why do we get married? The number one reason is what not just for a nice meal, not just for companionship, not just for someone to keep us warm in the night. Number One reason is for the sake of Allah for the sake of Allah, so you ask yourself, does this divorce bring me closer to Allah will takes me away from Allah, that's your ultimate decision ultimately comes down to that. So is this best for my spiritual well being, or my dunya well being also, you know, marriage should not be a jihad. So you may say, you know what this woman with this
husband is good for my hair, but terrible for my dounia every day is a jihad, right? Islam doesn't require that of you, you know, you made it up to a Wali. She's waking you up with algae, which is fasting and everything. But as a husband, you feeling the dunya and I can't be with us. It's also in that your marriage is meant to be enjoyed as well. But if this person is good for your era, be very, very careful to partner with someone that is good with your Acura and this is good for your junior as well. A lot allows you to marry for junior reasons.
Like the prophecy for reasons why you get married looks and money and lineage and Dean. Dean is the best but you can marry for those other food things as well. Okay. Since I made four different wives, each one will give me one of those food I
say it's, it's permissible except in Cape Town.
Ever exhausted all avenues for reconciliation, right? Once you've people are very quick to in We live in a time when divorce is very easy. You know, to place that divorce button in the past was really difficult. There was social pressure, the woman you know, one of the things about sisters becoming more economically independent, she can quickly run away. And you know, when you have in the back of your mind that parachute, you have in the back of your mind the plan B, it just gives you less commitment to plan a when you always know there's a contingency. There's always a full black fallback plan. It's very easy to quit. So we haven't gone many divorces, you know, they haven't gone
through the full process of reconciliation, try every single step to reconcile and once you get to the point and you can say, you know a mom shear wave it might be to a father to his his father, mother, we've tried every single thing we genuinely tried, it didn't work. Now when hamdulillah the Sharia does not force you into something that you can't be with and hamdullah then then we can say okay, now you can get divorced, but try to reconcile, try to go through it.
And in Islam, most things are not clearly black and white is not everything is clearly black and black and white. So therefore you constantly have to consider the repercussions. weigh the pros and the cons if Allah Himself does this iniquity, Allah says about common that there are benefits to Hamas this good good things to hammer way a lot of benefits and this beds to Harmon, but Allah says based on the probability how many is worse off. So Tom, if hammer has good in it, then your wife and your husband is good in them as well. Right? So you have to weigh the goods that you're going to give up versus the downside, upside and downside, and you need to look at what is best for you. The
repercussions to other people as well, especially these children need to consider what this does to them. Okay.
Reasons why someone also when do I have a valid reason for divorce in reality, Sharia doesn't require you to submit a reason. You don't have to write a letter to the MVC and say, these are my reasons. If you want to get divorced for no reason.
I don't like, I don't like vanilla, the the shape of a toast, whatever it might be. That's the Sharia allows it. It's permissible. It's not it's not appropriate. It's not good. It might even be Haram. But it's valid. You understand this concept is gonna come up in a few times V is a valid but Haram. So a man who talks his wife as a joke, I thought about you as a joke. sinful is haram, but it's validly counted as a divorce. Understand, valid versus Haram. So these are a valid haram way of divorcing and a valid Hello, meaning you get divorced in the correct way. You understand what I'm saying? Some confused faces. You understand? Right? You understand? Right? So you're listening very
attentively and with speed. Right? So valid, you don't need a reason. No one is going to ask you for reason. But obviously, you don't want to take something like this and destroy it harm someone's life for no reason. So have a good reason. Some good, what are the good reasons some of the shady I would say, a woman will often ask the mom, she I'd like to get a divorce? Is this a valid reason? If I look at the argument, right, so if your underlying rights as a husband, as a wife will be fulfilled, your sexual needs are not being fulfilled 100% better than he is and then you should write the shadier one of these number one reasons. If your rights as a wife, nataka not being made, you know,
III, suppose supervisorial nakaka, that's a basic right as a wife, then that needs to be fulfilled. And I think that's something that you can, you can say, if they are either irreconcilable differences, meaning we all human fighting and fighting, it's just such a burden being married, when the Sharia says we are forced you into an unhappy marriage. Now, lack of happiness is one of those gray areas. Today, you can be very unhappy with the same person, that in a year's time, you can be very, very happy. And in fact, if you got married to someone, there was a point in your time, when you were very happy with this person, you did love this person. Allah says to you off the top, or at
the process of Palak Walla
that you're going through this very ugly period in your relationship. Don't forget the fact of the goodness you had you had some soft, sweet moments together. You laughed and smiled. Don't disperse. Don't make this person a bitter enemy. Right? Remember the good times? You know, so? Yes, if someone says I'm not happy in my marriage, and not for any great reason, there's no like major reason he you know, cheated on me with abusing me. Those are obviously valid reasons. But it's I'm not happy. I want to be with someone else. It's valid, but be very careful. We are too quick to run off the happiness always we look on Facebook, or we look and the grass is always greener. On the other side.
We're always chasing something and forget what we have. And that's one of the problems that we have today. So another very good beautiful Hadith. Look at this lady, the wife of a Sahabi third place very famous Sahabi. So third place his wife comes to the salon. She complains, she says Yasuda law, I don't complain about service therapy. This my husband, I don't complain that he's his character. He's good character. And he's a good Muslim. good character. Good man. Mashallah, well, your wife says that, but basically, I don't want to be. I don't want to commit any act of goofing off to become Muslim. She means Yeah, I don't she he brings out a bad side of me. When I'm with him, I'm
not a good person. I don't like the person and maybe we arguing maybe I'm saying things ungrateful. I don't want to be become a Muslim. I just don't like that. So she says, Yes, I have no excuse. He's a good he's a good guy. And he's a good Muslim. I don't like him. Can I divorce him? The promises? Yes. And the prophecies to Sabbath. So Prophet says to the lady, are you willing to give back your power your Muscovy? sabich gave you a garden as a dirty? Are you willing to give it back to him? So she says, yes, you can take it. I don't want to be with him. So the Prophet didn't even ask them. What's your side, he says to take back the garden and devotion. Ladies are happy. So this shows you
that her reasons were very flimsy. She didn't say he hits me with committing adultery, you know, his mother in laws interfering and those kind of major issues. You know, it's just, I don't like being with you. And the Prophet allowed this lady to get divorced. So we see the Sharia does not force you into a marriage that you're not happy and so is divorce wrong, you get some it's not nice. It's not encouraged by the Sharia. And it's but it's permissible, and even the prophets of Salaam, it's mentioned that he divorced hafsa with one devotion to Quebec and if you follow my series, the women around the messenger so seldom, you will get we'll get to that maybe in a week or two. We'll talk
about another half so don't have said normal. She was divorced once even the professor Sonam did this once and then he brought her back. And it's a reality. It's so you know, it's faces so many of us. We all know a couple that has gotten divorced, said we all know a Auntie or Uncle, you know someone in our family, even cousins, whatever it might be, that have gotten divorced. So it's a reality. And it's still not like every suit even though but 50% of people get divorced married people. It's still a taboo in our society, even a Christian community. No one encourages it because
Our society is built on marriage that a happy home is built on marriage. So when I interviewed speak inshallah about how to get divorced understand, we don't encourage it. But it is something which the Sharia permits the Sharia permits. So it is allowed, it is allowed and in reality divorce so when one asks this a side note here, in everything in the Sharia, there are five categories. Is it halal? Is it wajib meaning you must do it haram you can't do it. Is it so not good to do it is mcru not like MOBA meaning it's okay nobody would know so so what is divorce is the most part everyone must get divorced is haraam. No one can get divorced. Is it true? Now you get rewarded for divorce isn't
my true meaning disliked if you get divorced, what is the ruling? The ruling really applies to each person for one couple will say for the two of you, you should you must get divorced for you and you have to get divorced. Because you This is too much. Okay? for another couple. It might be for you this haraam to get divorced. Whatever reason it might be, there might be some harm that it causes for you. It's Haram, but Fujin in general, it's permissible, and perhaps mcru if we could say but in reality, it's permissible and there's no sin on you if you get divorced, and you do it correctly.
Now, when we talk about divorce, ending a marriage usually we will say what is divorce in Arabic, we say talaq talaq is only one type of divorce.
So wake up a little bit, it was in the corner, just wake up a little bit. There are three ways of ending a marriage, very important for you to understand this. There are three types of divorces in Sharia. These are tallac, there's a facade. Here, the MJC was facade, and the hula, right, so there are three types of divorce, not just tallac. So we start number one, and we'll end up a little early because it's janaza. So that we can attain the General mshfa. So we'll see how far we get. But the first type of divorce, which is called a Palak, attack, this is where the man, the husband, he ends the marriage by pronouncing either verbally or in writing, in sign language, whatever it might be,
that our marriage is over. So he ends the marriage, the husband ends the marriage, it's called tala using some kind of indication, some might ask, and especially in the modern age we live in. So Allah has given a man the full right to without any reason. I mean, he just he doesn't like, maybe he wants to marry someone else. You can divorce her just by saying, I don't like you, and it's over. So yes, it's valid. it's valid, maybe heroin but valid. So someone will ask how is this fee in the Sharia? So number one, we say number one, there are other avenues for the ladies to in the marriage as well. Right? There are other avenues. Number two, the man is the one who pays in Africa and he
pays the Muscovy, which means it's against his interest to constantly divorce and medical every time he divorces and Mary needs to pay more Muscovy needs to pay maintenance. So the Shetty has built this into understand that perhaps with a man, you will want to take this lightly because the cost of a marriage and divorce costs the man a lot. So he won't do this likely also, by law, he will lie he will lie. Most times you find people that made Tulloch, they come to the man crying, I made a mistake.
Tara is not a privilege. Rather, it's a responsibility.
It's like giving you this loaded gun. And you need to be what what yourself, meaning no matter how hectic the argument gets, no matter what she says about you about your mother, whatever. You cannot in our in Angus, I tell our kids over and take it back. No shadiness is no. As when you always need to keep your composure. There's a line you can't cross. The sisters can say almost anything. And I'm not saying it's permissible. But she can say I devotion 10 billion times. And the Sharia won't take that into account meaning she was emotional. For the man he can never use an argument. She was only emotional. No, I made a mistake. I made a joke I made I was angry, you know. And most of us that he
greets, if we could take this dollar gun and give it to someone else will be happy. Because in that moment, and she's in your face. Now tell me tell me very difficult brother smiling would have been the right.
You have to keep your composure what the Sharia is saying you're a man. And as a man, you cannot just say what you want to her. Even if she sees whatever you have aligned that you can't cross the street. He hasn't given her that line. So it's the responsibility. Also a very interesting thing. And this is something that you know, again, wake up as you most of us don't know this mostly for our sisters.
talaq can be given to someone else. What do I mean? It's good luck you can actually give so you see the Sharia gives you three blocks three bullets. You can say You know what? I agree I'm going to give one bullet to the Imam he can use it. So we allow the Imam to pass the talaq or even a lady can put in a marriage contract. Before I get married. I would like one of your top bullets I can in the message permissible. The prophets are sometimes called taquito Palak. The Prophet Salam gave his wives at times options
You have the right to talk me. Yeah, I give it to you, you can pull the trigger, I give you the gun. So a lady can ask for this in her marriage contract, I do not recommend any woman to do it. Because within one week you will use that.
Don't you will find. And that's why, you know, many times the sisters will complain, you know, why do they get the right of the lock NASA? Do you want it? We give it to you? No, no, I don't want it. Because we know the amount of it sutala can actually be deputized can be transferred to someone else quote of litella. And this is something that lady can put in her marriage contract. For example, She could say that if he marries, while it is the right to get married to a second wife, for example. But if he gets married to a second wife, then by default, I can use my padlock and in the marriage, obviously he has to agree to it. The Sharia just and will will basically end with us because we
would like to finish her maybe in the next two, three minutes. The Sharia allows you if you have a right, you have a right like the lady has the right of nataka she has the right of mouth. You can pass that on to someone else so you can give up your rights. Sharia allows you to give up your rights as much as you want. If you met for example, you married to two wives, you have one day each one wife can say you know what you can you don't have to visit me every day every second Thursday. It's fine. It's my right so you can give up your rights talaq is the right of the man. So, you can pass that on to someone else that is very beautiful, very, very practical. So, the law can be
deputized and given to someone else. So how do you go about giving a talaq? talaq these two ways of doing it? Two ways. So, we say the man pronounces basically he sees something right something which indicates I want to in the marriage. Now, there are two types of statements very technically, one is clear, and ambiguous and one is ambiguous. What do I mean? So that has been says, I divorce you. I don't want to be married to you. Our marriage is over. Can that be understood as anything besides divorce? Could you mean anything else besides divorce? You with me? If a man says I divorce you? can it mean anything else getting me? No, I didn't mean divorce by that. It's very clear. But he says
Get lost. It can mean many things. He says Go back to your mommy. It can mean many things I've done with you. Does it mean now? So there are two types of statements one that is very clear, and one that is unclear. If he makes a clear statement that means divorce. We don't even ask What did you mean by that it counts as talaq whatever his intention how what mood he was in it counts as the law if he said it. If he gave an unclear statement. Imagine he just told me now. He's done with me. Am I now divorced? Then I phoned the husband says, Okay, what did you mean by I'm done? Did you mean I'm done with you now? I'm done with you for this five minutes. I'm done with the marriage. What did you
mean when he needs to be truthful to his wisdom? Yeah. What do you mean? And if he's near was divorced, he comes to divorce. If it is no, no, I didn't mean divorce. You know, any vectrex now, I only mean go to your mommies today. Right. When we say that's Allah tala, you understand this, too, sometimes vanilla. We learn in marriage, how to get married, but we don't know that statements we make can fool us to luck. So even if I didn't say I tell you, I just said I don't want to be married anymore. We are you are you around for me. Now. These kind of words count as talak even if you didn't mean it. Be very, very careful how you say those things.
So you have three toddler bullets in your gun. Right? The Sharia has said you have three bullets, three tags, basically. How does it work? Once you issue a toddler, you've said now I tell you I shall. Now immediately your marriage is over helaas she goes into it immediately. She cannot make it for three months. She can't marry anyone. You still have to provide an Africa for her. But now within this three month period, you can either take her back
or you can let her go. So you have a three month period now in India. If you take her back, you don't make a new nikka the old Nicholas come comes back into effect. No new mahalo new marriage You are now but you only have two bullets in your gun. You with me? If you save the Tulloch after three months, you try to reconcile and it's very good people you know, today people do this bad thing. Once they need that she immediately runs to Appearance he told me I'm going to a mommy now there's no room for reconciliation. The Sharia wants you to live together sleep next to each other letting see who you know whatever like a married couple. And if you have intercourse in that period, it
means you came back. Right so it means your marriage has come back. So the Sharia wants you to reconcile the period. So if after three months she's lying the next you you hold each other you talking and still you don't want to reconcile. Now how does the EDA is done? She's not around for you. She leaves. Now if you want to get back together you need a new nikka new Mahara new COVID to everything new. You enter a new one no problem, but you also have to talk to each other again. You with me?
If after many years you get $1 9095 right, your team lost in your city Viva La Crosse. All Blacks lost you gave $1 whatever
All right, this is not as a mistake I take it back then two years later another issue another teller now you gave a third tallac now you can't come back from that palace no matter how many tears you cry can't come back. Now she's held on for you you hold on to her you separate completely. The only way you can marry her again is if she marries another person and they have intercourse together and then he divorces her and she becomes clean from her. Now you can enter a new marriage why Sharia Why do you make it so because now you guys have shown that you constantly bouncing back and forth talking yeah and the maybe she must experience someone else you need to experience someone else and
realize that you know it's not so green out the this man with all these faults this lady with all our faults is better than the other fish in the sea. Now we get together properly. We continue inshallah next week because we have a few announcements to make and we'd like to do it in the janessa inshallah, so continue with talaq and how to give tala wink to give the law and the other forms of divorces quickly a few announcements.
This year shaky acid quality we mentioned this very, very famous scholar Alhamdulillah very fortunate to be in Cape Town for the very first time. He's giving his lecture at Muslim goods currently, this evening, I think around seven 730 you will be at UCT for a free lecture on the Sharia in the modern times at the old Jemison was called Memorial Hall now, I think the main hall of UCT the lecture will be this free of charge on tomorrow in the morning, you will have a lecture at cticc on pseudo use of life lessons with pseudo uses. And in the evening. Lecture called Deep confusion, the doubts that we have as Muslims questions that you had will be discussed. Then on
Sunday Alhamdulillah Anwar Majid will be having around 10 o'clock the morning, our Mahara module, bring our little kids and reconnect them to our cultural heritage that this is the cradle of Islam here in South Africa, that this is we are pioneers came in set up these wonderful massages. So we take the kids around, they will have a good time with some free toys and stuff. So it's a good outing for the kids.
Right, so please, you know, welcome to participate. If you'd like to support we bring orphans as well if you'd like to sponsor an orphan at the end to sponsor an orphan for this program, you know, speak to the Italian of the Juma the next week. Next week. Well, hamdulillah the great blessing. It's a long weekend, right? Monday is Heritage Day, Monday now Monday, next week is his Heritage Day, and it's a public holiday on that Monday. If you're not out of town, then there's a wonderful Course Home Sweet Home talking about building a happy home, from choosing a spouse, to resolving medical problems to parenting, how to teach your kids Islam in the world that we live in very good
topic. If you'd like to join, you can speak to me You can go to alcocer.org excellent topic. Then we have our women around the messenger Episode 12 and 13 coming out this evening coming out Monday and Wednesdays, if you'd like to be part of it's free of charge, they just send a message to oh eight four triple 230 no 8084 triple 238 and you will get your lecture. I mean, exactly. Thank you so much insha Allah, Allah bless us once again in this new year glommed on to behave. And we ask a lot to have mercy and mafia farmer whom I mean and all the possible I mean psychologically, that's an unwelcome