Fiqh Of Love Episode #24 Marriage Counseling
Channel: Muhammad Salah
File Size: 25.74MB
Episode Transcript ©
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Salam Alaikum salam. My name is John Fontaine and welcome back to another episode of the thick of love. And today we're joined with Dr. Muhammad Salah
salaam wa rahmatullahi wa barakato. John, how you doing? I'm doing wonderful hamdulillah Hamdulillah I mean, really, I've really enjoyed the series so far of the fake of love, I'm glad you do.
So shakes upon Allah, we've we've come a long way. Subhanallah we started at the beginning.
Brothers and sisters, they needed to get married, they couldn't find a spouse. And then we showed them how to find a spouse in a halal way. Finally, we don't forget, we spoke about Allah, of course, love
the Hello, love and Cipolla, we spoke about how to you know, get into the motion, hello, we the race and the duties of both a man and a woman. But things don't always work out. You know. And of course, marriage is a huge test. And Allah is gonna test us with a marriage, you know, it's a new thing.
Living with someone you've never lived with before, you know, you try to work each other out, you're bound to come into problems and miscommunication and disagreements. And sometimes people
actually react to these problems in different ways. Some people, maybe they jump straight to divorce, others, maybe the man goes and he wants to marry someone else, even though he's got issues with his first wife. And sometimes people just ignore the problems and they let the problems snowball and snowball. And after years of these issues, you know, it comes out eventually. And you know, it can it can have a huge effect on the family, the wider family as well as the children. So, you know, when people do fall into problems of marriage, what how should we treat this Smilla Rahmanir Rahim Al hamdu lillah wa salatu salam ala Nabina. Mustafa or back in the beginning, I'd
like to make mention of a few facts. The first fact is that a huge percentage of divorce cases happen in the first month, second or third, or in the first year of marriage. That is you two, they're very patient. There is due to the fact that two people never been together before. They don't have an experience and now the move in and they are confronted with the fact that each one of them have some habits, some traditions and expectations from the others, which may be not met exactly as expected, and also some demands. So that's why we recommend here in this program, that the couples should
attend some sort of orientation before getting married. And understand in the past, the parents used to hold this orientation for the children. So, the the groom before marrying, would listen to his father and we listened to the chef or the Imam and would actually come forward to seek the advices and the mother of the girl would take care of advice in her and given her the proper orientation that is not happening anymore.
So, they should attend some sort of orientation in order to learn how to avoid these problems which may lead to separation, then the destruction of the family. First, I guess that's partly what is the intention of this program is for us was initially discussing there is wanted to teach the people you know, so they can avoid these issues. Second fact you got to understand that not because you were in love before marriage, or because you were related to each other or you liked each other. Or because you know you spent so much money and engagement was so sweet like a honeymoon. Now we expect that life will be very smooth and free from any problems. No, this is not gonna happen. There will be
some trials and also shaytaan Satan's main objective, after making a person disbelieve in Allah is to divorce the believing couples. This is like quite an achievement for the shaper and then the Hadees that he or words any of his hosts or offspring will put into
crown on his head of the jinn, if they managed to separate between a Muslim couple and cause a divorce and discord between them so you gotta be careful. Take precautions we said every time you enter your house you say this Mala before you eat you say Bismillah before you have intimate relationship with your spouse, you sacrificial Allah, Allah Masha Nibbana Chopin was your Nisha Aparna Mara is Aptana and also you need a great deal of forbearing attitude for given pardoning and negligence, you turn a blind eye, you pretend as if he didn't see it once and twice and several times, until things get better. Because if you keep building up and you become very meticulous with
everything, I can assure you, this marriage with this spouse or with any other spouse is not going to last me even if you divorce the spouse and you marry somebody else, you also going to have an confront the same problem. So you have to let go. You have to pretend that you are not paying attention in order for things to improve with a continuous education as well with the reminder of fearing Allah. Look what Allah says in surah Allah Zambia Are you Alladhina tabula rasa Kulu colon said EDA use the lack of armella Well for lack of a backup. So he advised us with the right saying or the right statement, alkali metal tayyiba Posada. So when you say what is good, Allah would say
try it all your affairs. And same thing between the husband and wife between the couple. Then also
remember that even Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam,
the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him, who is the greatest, the Most Merciful, the Most Loving, the most caring, the most loved by Allah and by his companions, and by his wives, the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam was a human being as well. And he had some issues with some of his wives, many, many times and many incidents to the extent that he actually divorced some of his wives. Then he took her back, like in the case of Hafsa, Radi Allahu Anhu. But he was the greatest teacher, and the greatest forbearing person, and he would let go. So when you keep that in mind, you don't think this is the end of the world, when you defer only dispute when you have some trouble. Add to that
another fact, which is
the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam suggested and allowed, complimenting your spouse, even if you do not really mean it. So the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam has said, lie is absolutely forbidden. And it's a major sin. Lying is a major sin, except in three conditions, we're going to shed some light on only one of them for now, which is
the conversation that goes on between the husband and the wife. So if he wants to make things better, and says, Honey, you know what, you're the most beloved person to me in life. Maybe he loves his mother more. Or maybe he doesn't love her that much. But this statement isn't a lie. You know, when he looked at you, I think you are the most beautiful woman on earth. And when she says that you're the best man on earth, all of that these statements are recommended, because the compliments develop love, even if it doesn't exist, and it maintains this kind of relationship. Should we you know, throughout this whole series, we're speaking about love. And of course, getting married to
someone is a huge commitment. And equally, you know, so is divorce, you know, so how important is it that we don't jump to divorce, that we try to reconcile between the two. This is reason division because divorce,
you have limited
access to divorce once twice, then it becomes irrevocable. And when you have kids, it's over is devastating. But when you reconcile, it is reconcilable. Look. I'm Adam Hata. Once he had an issue with one of his wives, she was arguing with him. And then he said, How dare you raise your voice and argue with me? She said, and why should I not argue with you? And the Prophet sallallahu Sallam does argue these wives, they his wives argue with him and the dispute to them. They said they do. She said, Yes, of course, his daughter Hafsa was married to the Prophet sallallahu sallam. So he forgot about his case. He couldn't tolerate you know the era before Islam. He is a man. So he couldn't
tolerate that his wife is disputing with him is one word is my word. It's my way or the highway. So when she was arguing with him, and she said, Did the wives of the Prophet sallallahu Sallam argue with him? Go ahead
Ask. So you want to have son he visited with her and said, Honey my daughter? Do you ever argue with the Prophet Salla sarin? She said yes sometimes you do. You said aren't you afraid that Allah will be angry with you? The prophets Allah Salah was given them the space to do that. If the Prophet sallallahu sallam was ready to execute the divorce whenever one of them would make mistake, because she's a wife of Rasulullah sallallahu sallam, he didn't have any wife, but look at him. Once Aisha says Radi Allahu Anhu.
It was her turn it was her night. Then the Messenger of Allah got up, he slept the way he was sleeping with her on the same spirit. They didn't have beds, they just lying on the floor. So he uncovered himself and he got up. And he said, the one shy issue started thinking, Where is he going? Where is he going? She's she's a woman as well, even though she's the wife of the Prophet, Salah Salem, but she suspected that maybe he is going to one of his other wives. So she put on her hijab or his her clot and she followed him.
And the prophets, Allah Allah said and didn't go far away, he was just at the graveyard, the fall back here. And he made some supplications and he returned, as he was making a U turn. He saw something like something dark, barren in front of him. When he returned home, you know, under the cover, I she was breast was she was gasping on air. So he figured that, he said, Are you okay? What is happening? She said nothing. Nothing. He said, Look, if you don't tell me, Allah will tell, he will tell me Is Allah will have you. She said nothing. I said, Okay, I'll tell him. She said, Okay, I'll tell you.
Well, when it's not the way and he just left us that you're going to one of your wives said you thought that Allah and His messenger would ever betray you? How did he do that? You know, I was in bed with you and Gibreel came to me, I stepped out because you were not wearing your hijab. So he said that Allah is sending you a message, go to the graveyard of our Baqia and pray for them. So I complied. And I just came back here is a prophet Salah salon. So if somebody found his wife, searching in his iPhone, trying to put his fingerprint on there, to identify and to unlock it, or searching in his wallet and accusing him that you are conducting this or that, just mere suspicion,
it can end up with divorce, it can be the end of the world. Subhan Allah Subhanallah Sheikh is very important, you know, looking at these great examples, from the time that a Prophet
you know, under inshallah would like to, we'll just have a short break, and then we'll come back to that. So please give us a few minutes and we'll be right back with the fit of love.
Salam Alaikum Welcome back to the thick of love. So I can check where it comes from I have our cattle will come back. Yeah. hamdulillah SubhanAllah. Chef, we you just gave us a very nice insight into one of the I know I need to tell you from the wife side, because it's not always the husband who has to be you know, to take the initiative and say it's okay and forgiven pardon, but also the wife and the Hadith the Prophet salallahu Salam I said, the best of you women who do women in paradise, Allah dude, and Allah, Allah lewd, what are these terms? And will do he is very compassionate. Oh, subhanAllah when you have a wife was always smiling was always happy with even
the little thing that you give her. You come home with her? Oh, she says honey, you know, I don't know without you. What can I do? She thinks that you give her a Mercedes. Okay. That's what we're very passionate, very compassionate. And the second is our old the Prophet salaallah Salam says about this woman in case that they have a dispute. So she would take the initiative, she would go to her husband and she puts her hand in his hand and she says honey, Leia Mabuti, gift Hata turban, I'm not gonna close my eyes, there is no way that I can go to sleep while you're not happy with me, so that they reconciled. Allah Almighty is very pleased with this woman. So both of them have to have
the willingness to reconcile, especially when you're not, you know, normally when we speak about reconciling between the opponents, those who are having some issues, neglecting each other with their friends, brothers, sisters, neighbors, coworkers work in the same place to Muslim brothers or sisters in
The community even though they're not blood related. So the Prophet salallahu Alaihe Salam said when he was asked what do you face awfully on Mondays and Thursdays is that the days are being presented before Allah. And he also said that on these two days Allah forgives the believers except the Moshe Hainan when two people are not talking to each other, you like to use the word boycott and each other that is two friends or two brothers. Remember a few episodes back who said the Almighty Allah described the relationship between the couple as Han le bass who Lakhan were and Tom Lee Basler Han you and I will men what is your hour before me? You know when we go swimming after we finish, you
know from the Naval to the knees, right? Before you arrive there is no our what is the hour of your wife before her own mom, likewise. But before you you can see the whole thing. The prophets Allah Allah Salam and almost Elena the Prophet and our Isha and perhaps otherwise, the prophets of salaam used to shower with his wife without any clothes. So it's okay. No one is as close to you as you espouse. So in this case, you should not disclose your differences or share it with others, especially if it is easy to overcome them and handle them shake. That's all very well, I mean, you know, trying to resolve these issues within the home, but sometimes it gets so difficult that you
need some outside help. So who should be the first person to be consulted in order to actually step in and help you know the rashly that is prescribed in the Quran, John, because sometimes things go out of hand. And they are on the verge of divorce. Why because they have a deadlock. Each one of them is stuck to his view, or he has built up a case against the other unfortunately,
or shaitan managed to mess up the relationship. And also another very terrible scenario is when the families are not understanding that you know is going to lead to divorce. So the girl's family are encouraging her to be harsh on him. You know, if he divorces you will find 100 other men to marry you. You are beautiful and and he his family would say the same thing. That's why we do not share our problems with anyone and with everyone. Not because they are related to us. Not because she's my mom or his my dad or my sibling. Now, the Quran says in this regard in Surah Nisa, we're in fifth chakra cover in HEMA forever how to hack amendment. Lee, will hack amendment earlier. Well in case
that you guys fear it's come in to edit and a dispute may lead to divorce or separation or horror or whatever. Then why don't you make another attempt? This is the last resort before divorce. If so, how come I'm in agony. But the word hakam in Arabic is very deep. It's a lot deeper than mere arbitrator. He is not here to deal with a personnel matter. He is here in the first place to reconcile and also to examine the case if it is something easy, then he will reconcile. But if the reason behind the discord is something major, like tree tree, she betrayed
you know or he betrayed is having an affair, things of this nature, then they have to step in and decide and give the ultimatum to the party who is mistaken and they have a full access to reconcile or two separate goes first. And that's why the Almighty Allah subhanho wa Taala says in the same area in you read us now. Hi North Aquila, hooba, in Houma. If they examine the case and they just realize that there is a great possibility of reconciling, Allah will make it easy for them to reconcile. And also because of their hokhmah the knowledge and their wisdom and their experience, they know that it is okay to lie why reconciling, this is one of the other cases which I mentioned
the Hadith earlier, the prophet Sallallahu Sallam has said in the Hadith which is narrated by uma consume the Dora, of rock Magnemite the Messenger of Allah peace be upon him said, Les selca that will let you use the hobo in the NASA you and me. So if a person is trying to reconcile, and he made a
statement in order to reconcile, so he's talking to the husband on a side and he says, You know what? Your wife feels really sorry. And she says, Well, Allah He he's the best man ever. And I think I've wronged him. She didn't say that.
At, but he is fine to pave the road towards the conciliation. Is this permissible? Yes, that's permissive. Then when the other party is talking to the wife, and he says, well, Allah, He, your husband is a very nice man. And he speaks very highly of you. And he says, she is a woman Kawana she pays she fast, and she's a woman, she's having the best of manners, even though all the time you sit in complaining, he did not admire her at all. But in order to reconcile and bring them together and closer to each other, and overcome what Satan have done, they made some lies, that is permissible Subhanallah they're not going to be judged on these lies, because it's helping knowing them because
this is for a good purpose, which is reconciling. Now talking about him as well. How can an early or how come I'm in a hurry. I have seen some people, they go to marriage counselor,
or to a psychologist, and they pay per hour then by minute sometimes in order to advise him haram advices. So he says, Well, I guess you both need to take a break. Why don't each one of you try another friendship? Like the wife tries a friendship with another man, and you try friendship with another woman. If you go to a counselor who is not Muslim, then do not blame by yourself. You know?
Psychologist once advised somebody who might know to smoke a pack of cigarettes every day. So that extent so because they don't have the guidelines of Halal and Haram is so important you go into righteous people, people will fall Hackerman and they understand You men are highly alike. Why is Hackerman men Alia, if this is a case, and if they both intend well, and they find a case reconcilable, Allah will make it easy for them to reconcile. So how can i is like someone wise, someone who can actually understand the situation? Correct? He's not there to take revenge for the person who he's representing. Yes, he is there to close the gap is there to reconcile that is the
You know, sometimes I think this is often spinal, one of the areas where there is some some issues, you know, you mentioned, sometimes you bring a family member for one side or family member than the other. And their intentions are not really to get them back together, you know, maybe they have personal problems with the spouse, etc. And they just, you know, and this is really sad chef, because families are ruined like this, you know, so it's, it's important that the person who's taking on this role, actually does it with a good intention, you know, to try to bring them together, especially if there's children involved. Subhanallah, you know, for the sake of time, if I
want to just take a very precious advice, as I believe, to the couple, make certain that you do not share your problems and differences with people outside. Also, be careful with the evil eye, sometimes a person unknowingly, they keep talking about how happy they are. And the woman shows, her sisters, her cousins and her friends and colleagues at work. Look what my husband just bought me look this watch, look, that dress, he just gave me that much. He bought me a car, whatever. And he'll colleague, maybe she's having some very hard time with her husband, or she just got divorced. So it is normal. I mean, it is not normal, from the point of view of halal and haram but it is
expected that the other party may NVu for them. And hazard is a reality. And we'll say min Sheree has it in either hazard. So you know, those things, those kinds of things. Keep it private, between you and your husband, this isn't only to do with marriage, this is sort of everyday life as you know what, you know, especially me and you we do travel a lot, you know, and a lot of the times people wonder, you know, they, they would love to have, you know, to travel so much. And I always try to downplay it, you know, to some some of my friends because, you know, subhanAllah we're not there to make people jealous, you know, you know, you know whether it's work or whatever it may be, they
don't know what you're doing. You know, here is one thing, many people now the social media and the false profiles. The couple of posing together is kissing her. She's kissing him. It is our anniversary, you look at Whoa, but that was son and look what my husband brought to me. Now let's not just show it to one or two people. She has gone public on the social media. There are a lot of people out there who I have nothing to do just to browse you
profile and and view you have such a beautiful husband I wish he was mine or vice versa. No keep it private and not share it with others. You cook the nice meal, why do you video it and show it to everybody else? In order to avoid the evil I have to just before we finish I want to just quickly mention this point, because of course it's not in every case but in some cases there is involved as well.
So of course, would you recommend sometimes try and rockier as well? In this instance because why sometimes that person should do that was regular basis, you know should provide Rokia for his wife and she provides Opia for him, and they on daily basis make Rokia for the children. You know this is what the Prophet SAW Salem used to do to his grandsons Al has an orphan sign every day every night. And the Prophet sallallahu sallam said, you know when a couple are having a serious problem, and they just advise him to say we're heavy, maybe we'll have him. So I advised him to recite Surah Al Baqarah at home. Oh, that's too much the whole Surah you're already drowning and you are on the
verge of getting divorce. So you know the citation of Surah Al Baqarah. If there is shaitan will kick it out. If there is a hurry, it will undo it. It will keep shaitan away from your house for three days. Joseph locash acts upon great advice there.
That's all we have time for thank you for joining us again chef and welcome Subhanallah for those of you at home Subhan Allah this has been a very important episode, that we mustn't jump to divorce, we mustn't jump to different things. We must try our best to reconcile these problems with it first within the home. And then we can start to look at bringing other family members in to help us because it's so important to save the family unit as well as the children as well. So please join us next time for another episode of the thick of love a Solomonic consola Heba