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What’s The Secret To A Successful Marriage
Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
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and brothers are Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.
First of all, before we begin,
I hope you understand my accent, I don't have the Caribbean ting accent. You know, that's how we speak but I'm sure people understand the accent here. You have a very good accent, Mashallah.
I would like to thank the organizers for today's program, the shoddy Foundation, and
its patron, Abdul Salam and although
he then everybody else, for
arranging this program for organizing this program, and giving me the opportunity to come and share some words with you in sha Allah, Allah,
it's my first visit to this beautiful country of Trinidad and Sharla Hopefully, it will be the first I will come again in Sharla. It's a very good country.
May Allah subhanaw taala Grantchester tofik, and inspire us to say that which is beneficial for myself, for you, for everybody. inshallah, it's just a reminder. In the Quran, Allah Subhana, Allah says was the cure for in the Quran for all meaning
remind one another, this is called as key in Arabic, which means that I think sometimes we know, and sometimes we might not know. But it's a mutual reminder, we all remind one another. Because reminding, then for all, meaning it benefits the Muslims a bit, it benefits the believers, the title, or the topic that was given to me.
Tips to a successful marriage. It's all about marriage, it's all about nikka tips to a successful marriage.
Now tips, steps, tips, or whatever you want to call them, points or ways or manners or ways of having a good, prosperous, successful relationship of good marriage.
We can talk about tips, I can mention some, think about some good tips. Some of you might hear out of experience of being married for many years, may come out with some tips because of knowing how it is to live with the husband or the wife. Everyone will have their own tips. You read a book by an expert, non Muslims have written books on this topic. Steps to successful marriage there's books written by non Muslims,
men from Mars, women from Venus, if you've seen that book.
So different people will come with different tips, different methods, different advices different guidelines of how to have a good successful, prosperous, happy marriage.
But rather than me think about what I think are good steps or good tips, rather than what you think is
a good ingredient for a prosperous marriage, rather than anyone else telling us
the best tip or the most effective is the one that is given to us by our Lord and our Creator, Allah subhanaw taala. And those advices or those tips, or that, actually there's only one tip, which is mentioned, which is advice, which is in the Quran and Sunnah. Rather than having a list of tips, and lists list of ingredients and steps to have a successful marriage. We can list them.
But all of those steps are different reasons are different ways of acquiring a successful marriage. They return to one central point, there's 1.1 tip. It's a very short, it's a one word, I will tell you what that word is, but I want you to anticipate I know everyone's heard of that word as well. Everyone, every Muslim more or less 99 point 99% of the Muslims have come across that word have known that word.
And it's actually a very, very important part of our Deen our Islam and our lives.
And that is the central ingredient central point.
And that's the basis that's the main reason for having a good prosperous marriage. What is that?
That is when we get married and some of you if you are married and some of you may not be married, but and but even if you're not married, you know
When you have a marriage ceremony you come to the masjid
that your mom's have led and conducted many marriage ceremonies. What does the Imam do?
The Imam will have them will have nikka ceremony in this Masjid. For example, the Imam will sit here,
the groom will sit here, the groom's worry Guardian will be here the bride's groom, the sorry the bride's family and Guardian will be sacked. There'll be witnesses what happens in a marriage This is very important. You see, this is the point that you know in Islam we have a Deen that Allah has given us which is very much related to understanding and connecting it with our brain. Actually, this is something I wanted to talk about yesterday, but I'll just mention this briefly before we go on to this that we have to leave Islam. Sadly many of us what's happened that our Islam and our being Muslim has become what we call robotic automatic you know we have a manual car and an
automatic car. The automatic Muslim 99% of us are automatic Muslims. We happen to be born in a Muslim family
and we just grow up we see okay, this is how Muslims do this is my dad. This is okay Masjid dressed like a Muslim. I wear a scarf or wear a hijab niqab Ramadan comes so if star food
samosa bhujia I don't know if he's right here, or whatever fish nica How is marriage? Oh yeah, go to the rescue. Nobody. Why do I believe nobody's thought about that? What do I believe in? What's the meaning of La ilaha illAllah Muhammad Rasul Allah was the meaning of a shadow Allah, Allah, Allah, Allah worship Mohammed Abdullah surah what's the deeper meaning? What am I acquired? We need to understand and understand and reflect on these meanings daily in our life. Every part the non robotic and the non automatic, the manual Muslim is someone who every minute of his or her life
connects the brain with Allah subhanho wa Taala. We wake up in the morning.
First thing eyes open. The proper Muslim, who's not a robotic, robotic Muslim, the Muslim who's manual, who has a living Islam, who lives Islam, wakes up in the morning, eyes open. The robotic one just in roughly heedlessness. It's like, Okay, first thing you think I need to go work today or this appointment? Or I need to sell the car or I need to go there. I need to go to that office.
The problem Muslim doesn't do that. First, he will open his eyes and sit there for a minute.
My messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam has mentioned to our watch that there are close your eyes You don't have to close your eyes with meaning thought reflection with concentration Alhamdulillah Hilary. ohana bergama tener la Hindu sure what does it mean? All all la all thanks to you praise to Allah. I just died last night. I was dead.
Five minutes think I was dead. Oh look all thanks to Allah who gave me life after giving me death. The Quran says that
Allahu Allah tala will enforce freedom oteiza will let hilum thermwood Freeman amiya Allah takes away the souls for those people who die and those who don't literally die Allah takes the room the soul away when they sleep for human sequela to Casa La Hellmuth Will you receive will okra la Muslim, those people who Allah has decided that they will not come back to life. He keeps the soul by him and the remainder whom Allah decides that they will wake up again. He sends and returns the route the soul back to LA he knew Sure. And then a day will come and Allah won't send that soul back. We think this was so close to death every night we die every morning we should think Allah has
given me a new day is given me a new chance. You know when we have a close shave to death when somebody has an accident so close or somebody goes through Allah forbid disease like cancer. Imagine somebody has cancer and then they have treatment.
So close to death people make resolutions. When they when they you know in that state when the doctors say maybe you could die so all are pleased you know if you give me cure rest of my life I will spend it next 1015 years. This is something we need to do every morning Oh last night I died I was so close to death my soul couldn't have come back. Make a firm intention. Today all law This is a new life new day. This is
There's lots of other things but all of this five, seven minutes thought with the mind. The Living Muslim is who thinks with the brain, not just goes through the motions as we say, we just do things as they are. We don't
know we live it every day with translation with meaning, we stand up. We think Allah Subhana Allah Allah Allah has given me legs I'm able to walk. There's so many people who can't walk. We go to the toilet. Before going to the toilet, we read the DA Allahumma India although becoming a hobo, Nietzsche will haba it Why do we read that? What's the meaning with the understanding that's why it's very important to get the true spirit of Islam in our lives we should know the meanings of these doors. We should try to learn take some time out to learn the meanings of the basic surah of the Quran.
We go to the toilet we come back of the out of the toilet overall Anak
Alhamdulillah Allah the other herbal Anil other What are funny, why do we say that all thanks to Allah who took away all the dirt for few minutes think I was sleeping at night
and I was in my dreams and the machines of Allah was working in my stomach.
All the food and all the chicken and all the fish and all the rights and all the you know everything we ate bones as well and everything we ate and gobbled up without even thinking and went to sleep and snoring away allows machines are working in the stomach power is being generated blood is being made that residue that dirt is being you know pushed to one side for release in the morning. You wake up in the morning Alhamdulillah Hilary Hubba Ola this old dirt residue is coming out from my stomach. If this wouldn't come out, I would die. What are funny 123 days if someone can't go to the washroom to the toilet and relieve themselves your life's at risk
Allah makes it so easy we don't have to do anything I suppose people you know some people have this illness they have to have a bag it's you know the bag with a release and and two three times the tube the bag and through the tube it goes into the bag
Allah has without any effort go in the morning we just we go to the toilet has no like it's normal. It was my right to go to the toilet every time you go toilet. You can build a connection with Allah. Every time you go to the washroom This is unique connect them off Allah, amazing gift. This is if this wouldn't happen, I would I don't know where I would be.
And then when we do we do this do ours. Making the intention. Thinking about it. Walk into the masjid every step sins are being forgiven. So you take the step you when you walk to the masjid, even if you're driving every step, you make a step you take a step one since forgiven, forgiven forgiven with the brain 24 hour the mind has to be connected. See, every human thinks about something.
We all you know all the time our mind thinks about something. We think about the dunya no problem we can do. We're driving unless we're talking to somebody or we're listening to somebody. But 24 hours when unless we're sleeping as well. When we are awake, the mind is always thinking about something.
The Muslim who's alive in spirit thinks more about Arthur about Allah, you're driving a car. You're thinking one day I'll be before Allah, Allah will be asking me questions. I'll be by the whole the pool. How will gender be imagined? I'll be in my mansion in the agenda. You look at a house you think the agenda mentioned will be even better. It's just another 10 3040 years average is about 60 I'm going to go it's a long line. You know, this is a short life, eternal life. How will it be? How will grave be just all the time the mind is connected to a lot everything we do we sit to eat? Someone goes to somebody's house to eat the foods on the table. This is an amazing Name of Allah we
say Bismillah Why are we saying Bismillah? We thank Allah Alhamdulillah Amina was Akana which I don't know I mean, why do we read the door? What's the meaning what's the deeper meaning?
There's another door as well. After a hungry la hilarie after eating food. Other corny
lazaretto who thanks to Allah who gave me the taste of food will abacha la quwata who he kept the strength in my stomach. And the residue he took it out from my stomach.
All these things we can think about seven eight ones there was a chef one of my teachers were mentioning that they were eating with you know lots of the llama and the chef said to them look we are eating here.
There are seven net bounties and gifts of a law that we can think of in one food. I'm not going to go into them because time we don't have them seven this
Allah has given us somebody in the house were eating seven, he counted seven different names of Allah. And he said, think of every wise we're eating, think of these seven Dharma and keep on saying Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah for every name of Allah, even in some of the Rama have written books that when you're ill, you can think about 6678 910 different reasons why illness sickness is also a near ama.
And this actually gives people internal peace, people are depressed today. This is how we gain internal peace connection with a law, looking at the positives, looking at the positives rather than the negatives, looking at things in a right way around not the wrong way around when someone passes away, rather than saying, oh, he went away so early. Look, look what happened. And is it only our family? And is it only me think nobody who didn't give me a right to spend 40 years with my father in law gave me 40 years, he could have gone when he was 20. He could have gone when he was 25. He could have had a very bad accident. Allah gave him for 4050 years. I just saw him yesterday. Yeah,
of course, we will be upset. But look at the positives.
every aspect of life this is building a connection with a law thinking when we praise the law. Why? Why don't we sometimes have that, you know, insula, that that connection with the law is because we don't have the horseshoe horseshoe can only be acquired really by knowing what we are reading suitable for how we stand before a law like we know we think how do you say Santiago de la haka, and Nikita Raphael into Iraq, worship Allah as though you are seeing him if you can't let get to the level then at least know that Allah is watching you. So Allah, you know, standing like thinking, Okay, I am in the Presence of Allah. And then we say everything we say with the focus with the mind
with the heart of hamdu Lillahi Rabbil aalameen why we're saying Rob, why are we saying al Ameen? R Rahman r Rahim? What's the difference between R Rahman and what's the difference between R Rahim to have the attributes of Allah Malik Yomi Dean, every Muslim must know the meaning of Surah Fatiha we read every day in our life many, many times. We've read every you know, part of the newspaper and everything we read online, and we become Muslims and we spend 3040 years of Islam and we haven't even understood the meanings of alcohol. It is sad. And then the basic sutras Adam terrassa Littlefield so to nurse when all these students basic meanings, with concentration, when we say some
cannot be lld, and why we're saying that when you record, think suparna Robbie adeem when you go into sujood Subhana Robbie, Allah, what are the meanings of that? When we're sitting here? What does he mean to hear to lillahi wa salatu wa Taala but to hear belongs to Allah Salawat belongs to Allah
Assalamu alayka una bu then the do Rs, different types of dollars you can make as well in Salah which is from the Quran and Sunnah. You don't have to always just say one two hour you can read different two hours after Salas world concentration who sure this is if we live a life like that. This is very important. This is what I call a living alive, non robotic, alive Muslim who has Islam alive in his life. Whereas most of us, we go through the motions. So even marriage and Nika and this one I was coming to that I told you just 10 minutes I'll go into that.
People get married, why they're getting married. What is the niqab ceremony? What is it? I just like okay, people do it. You know, I go to the masjid to the mosque. The Imam saying something. What is he saying? If I don't know Arabic Then he could be speaking in Chinese? I don't know. I don't care. What are you saying? What did you say?
Sounds good. hamdulillah. Finish End of story. I know I'm married. I accept? No, ask us the email. Even before you. Can you tell me what's happening? What are you mumbling?
Which language? Are you talking? What are you speaking? What is this? The man will say Alhamdulillah Nakamoto who wanna start you know who wanna stop Pharaoh who wanna study. Tell him to tell you the meanings. Write it down on a piece of paper. You if you don't know Arabic, when he's reading it, you follow it? This is the meaning.
This is called hauteville hajah. This is the sermon actually, even before I started my talk, I read that the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. His habit was before any important matter, especially marriage, he would recite this sermon and known as motivated.
He would praise Allah who's partnered with Iota, and then he was sent blessings on himself. sallallahu alayhi wa sallam.
Maja de la palma de la la madre de la hora famous photo. This is so now this is actually not a condition for marriage. Marriage is done valid even without this. You know how long marriage takes place in Islam. Four seconds, five seconds. That tells me We'll count it once. Did you give the girl can say I give myself in marriage.
I accept you, then. That's it. The two witnesses have to be there. For people be there. The girl says I give myself to your marriage I have accepted in my marriage. Technically that nikka is valid. That's it. Everything else is on the site. Nick before that this was reading if you don't even read the Anika is done but why it's a Sunnah. And we should do that in that way.
The messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. After reciting the hotbar. he recited three verses from the Quran at the time of marriage,
he chose and this is the Sunnah, and this is what the Imam does. The one conducting the marriage ceremony. That's why in Islam, we don't need the blessings you know, in some other faiths. You have to go to the rabbi or you have to go to the priest. Can you bless us in marriage in Islam? You know, you can you don't, it's good to come to the masjid and have any mom who will check the rules are done. We should, but technically, there's no need to even have Mr. madrasha you can just have it done yourself. Technically speaking, but I still advise Of course, so that you know the rules are all
the messenger sallallahu Sallam recited three verses from the Quran, from Surah Nisa,
from Surah Al m, Iran, from Surah to Lhasa. Now there are many verses in the Quran many in which there is the mention of Nika, there is the mention of marriage, there is the mention of rights of husband or rights of wife or women or husband. Out of all these verses of the Quran, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam did not recite none of these verses the Nikkor has been done. The Imam is reading three verses which have no mention. Nothing nikka has not mentioned marriage is no ayat. Because the sooner is to read these three verses. Here you have NASA korab documentary Hala Kakuma, Nevada
wahala caminhar Xhosa Baba Salman Houma rejuran Kathy Rahmani ser taco la la de Luna b1 or harm in Allah Hakuna la Kumara peba ayah verse number one, the first first verse of Surah An Nisa
Haryana sutopo Robuchon Oh people, not just oh believers, oh people. Fear your Lord who created you from one soul and created from that soul it's meet and spread from them to many men and women. And then he said again fear Allah. Allah de de Luna be through whom you ask your mutual rights while or Hama and be fearful of Allah from breaking ties are ha what de la Hama. Remember in LA Hakuna la Kumara peba Indeed Allah is watching you all groom here sitting. Allah is watching you now and what you tomorrow in what you tonight when you're in your bedroom, when you're 50 years old, when you're 72 years old. When you're with your children when you're with your husband or your wife and then the
wife has well being reminded when you're with your husband. When you with your children when you're at home when you're speaking when you're talking when you're gesturing. Allah is watching over you remember you are being watched. You are being you're married. Remember don't don't think that you get married and you and your wife are going to be hiding in honeymoon beach. Allah is watching you there as well. It's like a sign you are being watched.
Fear Allah two times fear Allah. second verse. Even Latina Amano tapa, la haka, Ducati. Hola, tomahto 11 to Muslim surah Allah Emraan all you all believers, Fear Allah as he ought to be feared, do not die except in the state of Eman And then the last verse surah to Lhasa, you Hallelujah Amen otaku la again oh you who believe fear Allah. Wa kulu colons de de de se correct appropriate words from your mouth, meaning fear Allah before putting your mouth and tongue.
You slash Kamala como por la comunidad de como una youth a la hora. seudah hufa codfather fosun alima. Now, out of all these verses, the messenger sallallahu alayhi, wa aalihi wa sahbihi wa sallam decided to recite these three verses. What's that golden word common word in all these verses?
You know now I said there's one word steps to a successful marriage. I said there's only one step forget my steps or anyone else's steps. This is what I said at the beginning. The steps mentioned in the Quran and Sunnah by Islam, there's only one step. Only one step, every issue every problem every marriage counseling, every issue is solved. Every marriage counselor will be out of their job. Every share will be an every man will be. have free time from giving anyone advice, no marriage problems, no matter
In low dose no problems, no system no problems, no problems if everyone just acted upon this one thing, which is what? What's mentioned in these ayat
what's mentioned brother's
fear of Allah taco golden word. top off. Wow, yeah. Elif Matsuura, t h o w A COA. The person of toccoa is moutoku. The plural moutoku Norma
Tapia for the woman. The one of taqwa is also known as tepee. taqwa what is taqwa? And why is it being reminded that this time? First we need to know the definition of taqwa. We say fear of Allah.
You know, there are some terms in the Arabic language, it's impossible to translate them in any language. We say fear of Allah, but that doesn't really do justice.
Some words we can't translate, we have to explain them. There's no one word. The Arabic language is very unique.
worries taqwa fear of Allah is part of it. But that's not only what taqwa is. The closest definition of taqwa is as follows.
taqwa is that a man or a woman,
before they say anything verbally with their mouth, before they physically do anything with their body, any action, any statement, any action.
And also now, before writing anything, whether with a pen or on Facebook, on the internet, or email, or text messaging, or WhatsApp, ping, or wherever.
And before gesturing, ishara, before saying anything, before doing anything, before writing anything, before making any gestures,
they think to themselves, they again use their brains. They reflect and ponder and they think and they do more, they meditate, they evaluate, you know what, whatever I will say or do or write or make gesture of, I will have to prove it tomorrow in the court of law. A law will question me about this. I said one word to my wife. Allow me to say why did you say it? What's your proof? What's your justification? Why did you say it? How did you say what was the tone that used?
You raise your hands. Why did you do that? You spoke back to your husband? Why did you say that? You swore at your husband? Why did you shout? Why did you scream? Everything we do, we will be questioned. This taqwa is important in every part of our life. But specially at the time of marriage, it becomes double important. This is why, at a time of nica, everybody's being reminded not just the brother who's sitting in front of the Imam, the man, the groom, who's getting married, he is being reminded his guardians being reminded the sister who's going to probably listen to this marriage or she might even be you know, hearing it. She is being reminded. Her parents are being
reminded. His parents are being reminded. The families are being reminded the grandfather has been reminded the grandmothers being reminded the whole community is being reminded all of you if you want this marriage to work, if you want this marriage to be prosperous, if you want this marriage to be successful, all of you before doing anything, before saying anything, before gesturing about anything before writing anything. Think, ponder, evaluate, and know that Allah is going to question you about this on the Day of Judgment. And then after that state or do it or write it or gesture it.
Mr. Michel Ferreira Hey, mahalo hora de and one of the greatest problems of this oma when people used to come to talk to him, just generally people used to have conversation with him. So when someone just talked to him, he would look down for a few minutes.
For a few seconds, half a minute, one hour, one minute, and then he would raise his head and talk. Somebody came and asked him that Oh, man, why do you do that? Why do you want when people talk to you why didn't just talk back straightaway? He said, I looked down and I think had another layer of economy over ofii so cute. I meditate. And I think I evaluate whether it's better to speak or whether it's better to stay quiet. I placed myself before Jenna and Johanna. I think what I'm going to say will take me to Hellfire, or will you take me to paradise, and then I opened my mouth very carefully. I choose the words carefully. I choose the tone carefully.
We've talked a lot has given us an error. We just took whatever comes out from the mouth, you know, Jura, how to scenario the healthier Mona Lisa pulmonaria poetry line of poetry in Arabic. The wounds we know the wounds of the tongue, they can't be healed. And this actually what causes problems in marriages. Men and women when they
Get married, they think they can say anything however they want to say, or the other person is a human being they your spouse, they your husband, your wife, sometimes our sisters, you know, they just think okay, well we can say whatever we want, it doesn't matter who cares, you know, shout, scream, whatever.
This actually, every tone word, we will say aloud with questions.
And this is the main tip of a successful marriage, how we talk and this is why So, being reminded at the time of marriage, that this is important in every part of our lives, but specially reminder the time of marriage because it becomes more important, why does it become more important? Because before marriage, you are alone, you are alone, you are not alone. You are still living with your family, you are living with your parents, but you are not connected to somebody as closely as you will be when you will get married. You are at home but you had your own bedroom, your sister sleeping at home, you've got your you might be sharing it with your sister, whatever, but you're
still not there's nothing connected. you're by yourself. And then you grow up, you have your own room, your parents, you know you have rights.
As a man as well, you have your own place. When you get married, you're sharing a house, you're sharing a room, you're sharing, you know, bills, you're sharing food together, you're shopping together, you're eating together, everything is now you're no longer a bachelor
no longer someone who can just come home anytime they want and don't think about anybody anything would sleep however you want. Before if I was in my bed and I could snow like anything Who cares? Now if I snow? I need to be careful. As a good Muslim husband. I need to ask my wife does my snoring disturb you? That's bad. I am not happy. I need to sort myself out. I need to try. If you know please seek forgiveness please Why forgive me? You know I'm I'm disturbing your sleep. If you don't if you if you'd want. I can go and sleep downstairs for a while. Seriously, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam would you wake up at the Haji Salah in the middle of the night he would tiptoe
slowly so that
when he makes will do when he's walking? It does not disturb the sleep of his beloved wife are assured of the Allahu Allah when we wake up for 100 if we do wake up, we'll make sure that everybody in the house knows
hamdulillah Yes, I am waking up every look at this house to many people sleeping in this house. You know, the hygiene is very important.
Because it's not necessary. You cannot advise like you wake up but if not then you don't disturb people disturbing all these things because now once you're married, there's someone else is connected to you. And that's why there's a Heidi
there's a hadith and Sunnah to marry with a messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he said that when a person lives with others, then naturally, feelings will be hurt. And Muslim will lead you Holly to nasw Esmeralda, Cairo, middle Muslim Illa de la Colleton as well as Mira LA, a believer who doesn't mix in with people. And therefore he doesn't have to exercise sovereign patience if someone lives alone on top of a mountain on one island.
Nobody to hurt nobody's feelings to hurt, nobody's going to hurt your feelings. No, nothing, no problem. The Hadith says that that Muslim man or woman who lives with people, and therefore he has to, or she has to exercise suffer because that person's feelings will definitely be hurt. To have you saying that once we live with people, then it's impossible for feelings not to be hurt. Because everyone's different. Everyone thinks differently. A man thinks differently from another man. Here in marriage. It's not even. It's a man and a woman. There's a difference between man and a woman. Every human being thinks differently, talks differently, has different interests have every human
being has a different opinion about what's right and what's wrong. And then if there's two different genders, then it's even big difference. Men are from Mars, women are from Venus we make we are completely different species. women think about things differently. They have needs which are different to men. One of the greatest reasons of problems in marriage is this that men and women they forget that they have married them. A woman forgets that they're married a man and a man forget to marry the woman. The man has devoted his life with his friends as a bachelor. He thinks that this is another mate in a marriage This is another like I love shisha with again, you know, this is a
this is a you know, just like my friend that I used to hang out with. This is not your friend. More than a friend of course. But this is a woman. She is psychologically mentally emotionally different. A woman needs to think this is not my friend that I should talk to two hours on today or really really, you know, for two hours. She could listen this is a man man can listen to two hours of conversation. So realize that
When a man wants his wife to be like him and when a woman wants his her husband to be like her, that's one of the causes of marital problems. Men, women do things differently. A woman needs attention she needs a woman by nature is more very sensitive. Alas creatures. That's the beauty of a woman. This is actually derived from a hadith there's a hadith in Sahih Bukhari elsewhere, where the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to horrified mean the Holy cottondale
Alma took a delay and another
in our ojima with delivery Allah Who in the hub tetapi Maha cassata when his term Tata system director we have
a woman is created from a rib, the rib is bent, the most bent part of it is the upper part. If you try to straighten the rib, then it will snap. Therefore just derive benefit as it is. Now this Hadid is not condemning or like looking down on the women has some non Muslims have understood. There's a commentary on this hadith.
You know, people need to understand the Hadees properly I have a small booklet which, if you seen 40 Hadith, I gathered with commentary and one of the Hadith I talked about this in this hadith in detail. This Hadith is telling a man not that a woman is bent or no no, is telling a man that oh husband, man, no realize that your wife is not is different. For you, she may seem bent because she seems different. She's She's not acting like a man. So she seems different. Bent here means different. And likewise for a woman to understand that the man is different. Therefore, the man has been told the look, oh, husband, don't try to straighten her. Don't try to make her like a man.
Don't try to make her like you. Don't make her don't don't have this.
thought in your mind that I will make my wife just like me. She has to think like me, she has to like things like me, you won't happen. You've married a woman. You're not married a man. If you forget, and keep a suite in your hand and say I married a woman and married a woman and married a woman. Just remind yourself. Oh yeah, I married a woman. And I married a woman. Because some men forget. And likewise women as well think my husband is a man his man is a man, not a woman.
Because people forget a woman is by nature sensitive. You know, some sisters, they'll know this. They cry sometimes. You ask them why they're crying. I don't really know why I'm crying.
I don't know. I just feel like crying. This is why crying. I don't know. I just feel like today I feel like crying.
Now, some people smile at this. That's normal. That's normal. For a woman that's part of being a woman if that didn't happen to a woman. I mean, she's not a woman. By nature, a woman is more sensitive, she's emotional, she's fragile she needs that's why the Quran says why she wouldn't have been given a lot of attention, love. And by nature, the husband needs to have control. A husband needs to be respected. This is why in Islam, the biggest right for the wife. This is another topic. The most important right for the wife is good treatment, love, care, attention, being sensitive towards them, giving them so much so much like care and attention, giving them lots and lots of
attention. That's the main right everything else comes afterwards.
And you know, the biggest rights of the husband is respect, considering the husband to be the Amir of the house. This is my man. This is the head of the household. Allah made them and I mean, if Allah made this wife amelioration, no problem. We use whatever whoever philosophy the son or the daughter, whoever, Allah is a highly creator, he created a man who created the woman. The problem today is that and this is a perfect men and women the way they've been created allies are highly creative. He knows best how he's created. And he knows the roles. Both men and women. This is a perfect jigsaw puzzle. Men and women have been created as counterparts not to compete with one
another. They don't have to be same. There's equality in Islam but not similarity. Men have been given rights women have been given rights what una mithril la de la Neville maroof, everyone's given the rights, but there's no similarity. There's a difference between equality and similarity. Equality means that you have your own rights. And you you know, at the end of it, all the rights they become equal, like in inheritance.
Once I was at a university, giving a lecture and non Muslims stood up, said Islam is not equal to humans. So why inheritance? The son gets two times.
Yeah, the son gets twofold when you record me through has their own thing, and the daughter gets one.
I said, Okay, you've only looked at one thing. There's so many other things, but just give you one example. If you bring another one, then I'll give you another one. But you've said 212 men, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was asked Who do I look after my father mother, he said from he said, omac you
Then who omac your mother, then who? oma, your mother, then who from back then your father, three times mother. One time father, as they use mentioned the match, which was to one to the men, I've given you another match, which is 312 women, what's the aggregate score score? three to two women. So it's three, two right now, because they want to one here is three, one here. If you bring another, give me another example, where women, men have been given more, I'll give you another one. And we'll see at the end, what the end results will be. Women will have definitely more rights. He couldn't bring any other example. So each individual thing might seem like what someone's been given
more rights, but if you look at the whole of Islam, it balances itself out 50 50% so in Islam, there is equality but not similarity. similarity is wrong.
Women can't say that, oh, you know, men do this. We want to do this. No, there's different roles, then why then we'll just have women walking on the streets with marching saying, Oh, it's not fair. Why do we get pregnant mentioned get pregnant? It's unfair men giving men should be breastfeeding now as well. There's not something wrong. This is no equality. No, there's different roles. This is a role of a woman is a role for men. So therefore, there's some there's equality but not similarity. And that's why in Islam, women what they need, what Allah knows a woman needs is love is care attention. What a man needs is being respected, looked up to given the respect. Some people say,
well, the he has to learn respect. I say, No, no, no. He doesn't have to earn respect. Yes, he must not lose respect. There's a difference between the two. As soon as you get married Allah has given the man respect he doesn't have to earn it's like okay, one year I'll have to earn respect No, no by nature in marriage. A man has got the respect originally our moon Allah Nisa, Rima for de la, la, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba boom, anomaly him for slightly hot until the end of the ayah. So men are you know, Kawa, Moon given the breadwinners, the care takers, the heads of the household. And women need that love and attention. The biggest ride for the man is respect. That's why men by nature have
been created that they don't like to be told by the women, you know, if a man's driving and the wife and say, Oh, you know, you've taken the wrong turn. Even if you know you've done wrong, it's a no, no, you don't know I'm going the other way. There's another way. You don't know. How can you tell me you know, you're wrong anyway.
But as men, how, like you don't want to be told by your wife. No problem. That's why women need to understand men that you know, even if you know that they're wrong, sometimes use a way to correct them. One of the biggest points in marriages you need to be you know, have a lot of diplomacy in how you talk. So this is the biggest right given to men respect. Women need to be submissive, women remain women. If women remained women, and men played the role of being men, you would have good marriages. This is a perfect match. A man and a woman is a perfect match. But today, marriages end up in divorce. Why? Because the man is no longer a proper man. He's become half man, half woman, not
everybody, some. And a woman is no longer a proper woman, sensitive, gentle, you know, emotional, someone who needs like cries, you know, just looks up to the husband playing a woman's role. No, they're aggressive. They've become Half Men. When you have a half man and a half woman marrying another half men and a half woman, there's going to be a problem. Because it's too similar people. If you have a man marrying a woman, then hamdulillah will work. But not a half man, half woman marrying a half man, half woman. This is why Islam says men be men play the role of being men. Women have to be women and play the role of being a woman women. And this is understanding the
differences. Women are fragile, the gentle, they need the current attention. So going back to the tug of war issue.
At all times decoy is being reminded.
But especially at the time of marriage, because when we live with somebody, people are different. I was saying people are different. So now, your wife will say things will do things will make decisions about things which you will not like you it's normal because you're different. You don't have the same brain. Likewise, your husband might drive in a way or your husband might do say something about the kids. Your husband might do something at home, which you don't like you don't agree with normal. The head it says
in this case, the only way forward is to do sabar. give advice in a nice gentle way, but the only way forward is sovereign patience. Because your feelings will be hurt. And innama you offer sadhana eduroam be really high sub. The reward for people of sovereign patience is without any limit in the market to be really high Sabine.
Because people will do things differently. So taqwa is being reminded, at this time of marriage, that you're going to get married. Now, when you go back home, you're going to live a life, where at every point and at every junction you will need taqwa the fear of a lot. Every point you will need a fear of Allah, how we speak, how we talk, this is why one of the I, the third area was reminded
you alladhina amanu Taku believe fear Allah and say that which is correct. When I speak to my husband, I need to make sure every letter as a wife that comes out from my mouth must be appropriate, the tone must be appropriate. If I am a husband, when I talk to my wife, every letter, every word, the way of my conversing, talking, must be in light of the spirit of Sharia. There was one chef from Pakistan. His name is Dr. Abdullah he rfra more law.
Regarding him, one of my teachers was mentioning that once he said to some of his students, he said, I've been married for 55 years. And I will tell you, and I can vouch for it that in 55 years, he was in his late 60s or 70s, early 70s. In 55 years of being married, I have never spoken to my wife in a high tone. I've never raised my voice.
Imagine, this is what you call someone who's pious piety. This is why the Hadith says when you get married, don't give give consideration to other things, but your ultimate Tonka Hallmark carbine lemare have Alicia Marie horniness, Happy Holi Dina Dean Dean is Taha. If you have a wife or a husband? Who is God fearing? Who feels a law? If you have a husband, who fears a lot, if you have a wife who feels a lot before they talk to you, before they speak to the fear of law, they know that you know if I raised my voice over my wife's voice, allowing question, if I say something allowing question me, if I scream and shout aloud, question me, if I nag, allow will question me. If I swear
at my husband, if I curse my husband, if I say bad things to my husband, all of this allow will there'll be a whole list the angels are writing everything down and aloud question me about every letter that comes from my mouth. This is why we should regularly you know every, not every week, I think every night husband and wife should forgive each other. Who knows you're going to wake up in the morning. If you forgive then inshallah Allah will forgive. But we have just forgiven us every night before going to sleep. You know what, not just before we O'Meara brother, I'm going over a please You know, whatever I've said, forgive me. I don't know whether we just think the only time to
seek forgiveness. It's become like a custom now. It's like normally people feel like ego How can I Oh bla bla bla, please, forgive me. There's an ego to own our time. Nobody even the most proud arrogant person will send a text. Why? Because it's become custom like is normal. You do again, the robotic Muslim things people just do robotically.
We should husband wife should say okay, I don't know if you will wake up tomorrow or if I wake up tomorrow. Who knows of this is a death. Soul is being taken in the middle of the night. Allah may release it may not. I forgive you, you forgive me every night. The only way is this taqwa in life. God consciousness. That's the closest translation. Allah consciousness being conscious of the fear of Allah being watchful By Allah, that everything we say we do, we will be questioned about this and Allah will question us, and there will be recognized they'll be hisab yomo nasolabial alameen. The day when the whole of mankind will stand before Allah subhanaw taala. Before Oh boy, I mean, the
Lord of the mankind's, everything we've done with our family or with anybody else, we are being watched. And this is the only really this is the only step to a successful marriage. Nothing else works, nothing. Guaranteed. This is a tested, tried approved, every other method may be successful, but it's not 100% nothing. Because accountability of next life is so strong.
You don't need any police. You don't need anyone's advice you don't want. You don't need anyone saying that. Okay, I'm gonna watch what you guys do. You fear on law. That's why having a husband who is fearful of a law or a wife, who is fearful of a law is conscious of a last panel data that makes the marriage successful. And also along with that, and I will end with this in the next three, four minutes.
Along with that, that taqwa also part of the taqwa
is having someone before getting married. A woman should look for someone and before getting married a man should look for and if you're already married, then you should try to you know both husband and wife should try to go to this
path, which is
along with taqwa, working on one's heart. So you could say this is a second thing but it's part of taqwa
working on the heart, such an important part of the teachings of the Quran and Sunnah of the humans.
such an important part, what does that mean working on the heart, working on the heart means what? It means that every Muslim, its father is obligatory upon every Muslim woman and man, until they die, that along with the external things that they avoid, and along with external things like solid for the things that we do, there are so many sins which are connected to the heart, and so many obligations which are connected to the heart. We have to until we die, we have to work on them. So you've got all these blameworthy character traits, all these diseases, all these things which I mentioned the Quran, whichever way you want to do this, you know, that's a different matter, however
you do this, but every Muslim has to do it.
So the Quran talks about jealousy being a disease of the heart. I once did a talk when I went through every single spiritual disease and connected it to marriage, how it has a direct impact on marriage. Every spiritual disease woman surely has it in his or her son. The Quran says lotta has to do that has to do don't have jealousy. Fukunaga, like Juana has said is the first person who was a police, it's a severe, severe, severe major sin. If you get married and you haven't, we haven't got rid ourselves of jealousy. We haven't worked on our hearts to remove jealousy from our hearts. If a wife has jealousy, every time she sees her friend should complain to her husband. Look, look how her
husband is cheating. Look at their house. Now look at her husband was she jealous with the sister in law one sister in law is jealous with another sister in law every time jealousy, jealousy, jealousy. Likewise, the husband every time something happens, he's jealous. It has a direct impact. In Islam, we have to get rid of jealousy and replace it with ethos, giving preference to others wanting good for others what we want for us, this is this is the quality the Sahaba had. Likewise, level of junior level Junior is a spiritual disease. Every time if a wife has a spiritual disease of worldly materialistic, worldly love, Islam says earn wealth but have love of Allah His Messenger Don't let
wealth and materialistic things come into the heart. If you have if we have this spiritual disease, if a wife has this every time you're not giving me any money, you're not doing this. I read every time you go she's got 25 shoes and she wants another pair of shoes. She's got 10 handbags she wants another handbag every time just level of dunya just materialistic things just wants dunya world world world and if a husband has a spiritual disease he'll be stingy he'll he won't give money properly he won't spend the wife will say give me some What do you What's a currency here? Sorry.
Okay you say God is this easy? Give me dollars use Okay, why do you want $1 Okay, how much okay were you going to buy one potato Okay, you want one potato you know is going to be so stingy is called Love of dunya is stingy money can come out from his pocket, problems in marriage, direct linked with marriage.
And likewise, many other spiritual diseases loss in class is very important. The opposite of the spiritual disease is ostentation, we are doing things for the sake of others. Islam says whatever we do, not just offering salah and prayer and fasting and talks and lectures and teaching and advising that has to be for Allah subhanaw taala. But even good luck, and I'll end with this. This is very important. You know, in every religion in every faith, in every community in the whole world. Everyone says good manners of love is good, isn't it? Everyone encourages even an atheist would say, Be truthful. Be nice, be gentle, man. Be kind be considerate. You know.
Islam says the same thing. But there's one difference between Islam and everybody else.
In when everyone else says it, be hospitable, be good mannered, be generous, be nice.
You want to do it so that you make others happy. In Islam. It's not even for the other person. The main intention, aim is Alas, for the sake of Allah subhanho wa Taala. That's it. Even when you're good to your wife. I am good to my wife, to please Allah. She will be pleased. I want her to be pleased. But really, it's because Allah, I am good to my parents. I am being nice to my parents. Because Allah has ordered me I am good to my husband, because Allah has ordered me I want to make my lord happy.
Want to reward in the era, when I'm good to my children, I want the reward in the locker. It's not even for that person. And this solves a lot of problems. I have so many people, you know, when they email or when the court, you know, the wife will speak on the phone, or you know what, I have done this, and I've done this, I've done so much, but he doesn't do it. I said, Okay, you've done all this. But this is not buying selling is not a transaction. It's not that he feels good to me, and then I'll be good to him. Or if she's good to me, if you do, you scratch my back, then I scratch your back, you know, you cook me food, then I'll speak nicely to this is not a transaction, do
things for the sake of Allah forget the other person. Of course, you need to avoid role and oppression. But we are not being good to our husbands or wives. So only because they will be good to us or they are good to us, then is buying and selling marriage, not not a transaction. It's not a transaction. We are not good to our parents so that they are good to us. We are not good to our children, so that they will be good to us when they in our old age. If that's the intention and there's no reward. I was once driving a car and the back of the car I saw a sign.
Look after your children take care of them because they will be the ones choosing your nursing home old age home and you old
people you know, look after your children because they will look after you no that's wrong intention. There's no power, there's no reward. You don't do that. You want because Allah has given you this job responsibility of tarbiyah of Islamic upbringing. Giving them love attention, bringing up good good believers. This is the intention. So if you're a husband, then you you do it for the sake of Allah if you're a wife, you do it for the sake of Allah. This is what you call it last, add sincerity. So connection with the heart. inshallah. So I'm going to end with this. The summary is what's the most successful tip to marriage.
fear of Allah God consciousness, before saying anything before writing anything before making any gestures. And before doing anything verbally, thinking about the consequences, knowing and realizing that we will be questioned and then taking the step in marriage. If people do that every single day of the marriage in the beginning will be difficult. Then after about a few months, it will become your second nature. Someone might say how can I do that every single day. It's difficult in the beginning but after a few months, it becomes our second nature then you don't even have to think think for two seconds. First day you might have to think for 10 minutes but after a few weeks months
becomes your second nature because we change a lot makes us change May Allah grant us the trophy to change give us prosperous marriages, inshallah.