Solving Marriage Problems

Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari


Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari

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Episode Notes

An extremely important talk delivered in Jamia Masjid Noor (Huddersfield, UK) regarding marital problems and how to solve them. The Shaykh highlighted 10 causes of marital conflict and how to deal with them.

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He was actually he Very

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said he did

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throw down and find out

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provide perspective brothers and sisters.

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First of all, I would like to thank the organizers

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of this Masjid

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and for

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inviting me and arranging this very important forum

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in which will take place in two parts, first between Asia and then the second one after Asia, a lot of people come for that topic.

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Those will be kind of related and you might have seen on the pasta

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these topics are very important especially the second one it will talk about a title introduce it after Isha.

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I'd also like to apologize that I've had a flu since the last whole week since Monday, Tuesday, and inshallah recovering.

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Since it's quite, quite well,

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then I was in the beginning. So I asked the last one health data to give me the ability to shall not say that which is beneficial for myself and all the future like marriage related topics, and marriage related talks and lectures and programs and events take place.

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in abundance, there are so many lectures on topics of marriage, many of you may have heard talks on marriage, not just talks, courses, I myself have taught the course on marriage and the cost of learning as well like one two hours, like a full day, which is like a half hour course, and two full days, a proper marriage courses like 9am to 7pm on a Saturday 9am to 7pm on a Sunday, with 100 pages worth of course notes. So sometimes full two days, sometimes one day, but the course of marriage, at least I think about 16 or 17 times in the last 1213 years. The first course I taught was in 2005. So the last 12 years in different parts of the country and even abroad many many different countries

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America, Canada, Norway, lots of places.

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Remember once it was in very detailed in in Birmingham. So this is a very vast topic. We can talk about different aspects of marriage, different aspects of marriage, the whole course is very detailed. But what we're gonna do today, inshallah is talk about just two issues.

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And they will cover a lot of things. The first is relating to marital problems, marriage problems, it's so it's for people who are married, as well as people who are not married, so they can save themselves, those who are not married, if they learn about these things, they can take precaution and anticipate and sort of inshallah, before they get married and make sure that they don't get involved in those kind of issues. And those who are already married, they can take this advice, inshallah, and put it into practice in their marital relationships with their wives or their husbands. So the first issue is about before we reshot the hour, we have just under an hour,

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problems in marriage.

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Why do we have many problems in marriage? And I will tell you seriously, it's a big, big problem. having problems and marital conflicts is a big issue.

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I am in the last 1012 years working in in a director and answering people's questions and dealing with people's questions people ask me sometimes I'm friends, what's the topic that you receive the most questions on? It's my divorce every week honestly. And this is like a maybe

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an estimation that at least on average, I receive 10 questions per week. And I think much more than that. I'm just giving a very sort of precocious estimation 10 questions per week

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on marriage problems or divorce issues or health issues people ask me so the most common issue that I'm asked about large problems every day due to the phone calls, whether it's phone calls, whether it's emails, whether it's people just coming and talking to me marriage problems, instantly.

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Most common issue that people ask about divorce is the most common questions every day, there's three, four or five divorce related emails that I receive every day like you can get a wife According to an article. Yes, yes. And this is. Now what happens to me is I actually no actually know what that person is going to ask. As soon as that has been alive, start speaking after first sentence actually know what they're gonna say? Because I've heard it, I've heard everything. But I will say to her that again, this is what it is, How did you know? I don't have any random leave. Okay. But it's, you know,

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you know, where she's going to and what you know what he is getting to.

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So it's a, it's a big problem. There are many, many reasons. First of all, there are I've actually just jotted down like 10, I can inshallah, cover them quickly. 10 points. This is not just a lecture or two, like,

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I was saying that it's not for entertainment. And I can't do entertainment talks. That's not my nature. Anyway, whenever there's talks, lectures, programs, it's not supposed to be just somebody who gives you a good tool or a good fiery speech, and you just get a buzz and you enjoy it and go for the enjoyment of the moment. And then it's gone.

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You know, like I said many times before, talks are not an end of end, it's a means we take programs as an end become, we've done the job when it's finished. No, this is just like a small reminder. We take it, we make notes of it, mentally make notes of it, maybe with a pen, we make notes of it. And then we take this implemented in life, that's what all these programs are supposed to be for. All the lectures or all the program's I've just done means like a small part, then was the main part to act upon it. Not the actual talk itself is the objective, the not so? So I have some 10 kind of points, why we have all these marital conflicts and problems. First of all, I like to say marriage

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was not supposed to be an easy thing. And it's not it's not easy.

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Marriage is not an easy issue. It's not easy. It's not it's supposed to be difficult. There are so many rewards in the Hadith of the messengers of love. Regarding marriage.

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There's a there are so many headings that talk about the Fabio the virtues, the significance, the importance of marriage, the rewards the merits on marriage, because so many,

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you don't have time to go through all the headings, there's so many studies that talk about the reward and felida of marriage. Why There must be a reason I remember once when I was teaching a course on

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and I was covering some of these headings talk about the rewards of marriage or marriage. One of the brothers in the audience has to question and said, Can I ask you a question? He said, Yes. He said, I have this thought in mind. So what's the thought? He said, everything is wrong when you get a reward a lot of the work

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it's all difficult things. They're all difficult things. I said yes. Right. It's true. He said like for example, you get a lot of reward for praying five times raise it's not easy pray five times a week your pleasure. It's difficult. In the middle of the night

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it's difficult fasting in Ramadan, it's not easy, it's difficult and you get so much reward. And actually this is taken from the attic I actually told him I said what you're saying is from the Hadith would you written down will be shot Raja genital mockery, gender is veiled with difficult things, and how fire is veiled with apparently pleasing things. So all the pleasurable things take you to junk journal,

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Zilla stealing, just sleeping eating whatever you want a meal all apparently pleasurable things take you to hellfire.

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Have you ever thought about this? And all the difficulty difficult things take you to agenda and actually this is not just about Islam, even in life. Listen to this carefully.

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Even in life, anything good you want in life it it's difficult. You know, when when you want a good healthy high startup. You go to somebody I'm obese a very fast and you know, I'm very I've got all these heart diseases and all of this. I want a healthy diet. What will the doctor or the dietician what would you say? Okay, you healthy diet is lots of sweets, lots of chocolates, lots of you know, sugary things and all the cakes and all the, you know, things you like, No, you have to eat things you don't have to eat.

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All the tasty things you have to avoid in order for a good healthy life.

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You know, I was thinking to myself, why is it a good day to kick some sweets and biscuits of chocolates or crisps and drinks? Why not? That's the system of the world. So likewise, indeed. genda The 100

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Salah fastings god how much hard difficult things Jana alcohol por Zina stealing, sleeping anytime you know a lot pranks are doing whatever you want to do.

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This is this is a system. So this brother was saying that I've understood this, for one thing doesn't make sense to me marriage is an exception.

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The question was marriage as an exception. It's so pleasurable, God gives you so much reward.

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So Tim brother can ask you a question. Are you married? Yes and No, that's it. That's why I'm saying this.

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He wasn't married, he thought marriage is so fashionable, of course, impressionable. But in America, it's difficult. And that's why there's so much reward. So the first point, we have to understand that marriage was not meant to be easy. It's the struggle and striving is difficult. It's hard. It's not just like, you know, because people are not learning before they get married. They think, you know, marriage is me and my wife, and you know, just gonna relax and just go hotel and go bedroom and do this. And you know, we're just gonna look at the stars and just hold hands all night long, and all day long. And, of course, all of these things are there. But then they're just babies in

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this nappies in this Tesco and this has done this electricity bill, and then this gas bill. And then there's this, you know, buying a house and not buying a house, and then you've got one child there, you know, vomiting, and then the other one being the toilet saying, Come on, wash me and compliment another one does not pee and no one enough. It's not that easy. So courage is a difficult aspect of life. And therefore, until we do not actually take it as an important aspect of life that we need to work out and do it for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. It's andreeva Islam, marriages of a brother, just like fasting is I'd rather train is another Deckard and marriage rights of husband and

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wife is a guy that a lot of times people say, why don't we just talk about marriage or sexual relations etc. The reason why we talk about these things is because they're part of Islam in Islam. There's no separation between Masjid and nica. There's no separation in Islam. So anyway, this was like an introduction, that it is difficult, and we have lots of issues, right? We have all these problems now. So this is the introduction, Minister of marriage is not supposed to be easy. It's difficult. There's lots of reward. But there are many reasons why we have conflict. So many divorces. I don't know what the average year is right now. But I don't know when I was in America,

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in Canada, once somebody said one in three Muslim marriages end up in divorce, one in three, and probably is going to wanting to,

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like 50% of marriages are breaking, breaking down breaking, you know, there's a breakup of marriage. Every two people, one person ends up in divorce. It wasn't like that before. Some of we've got some, you know, elderly people here. It wasn't like that before our parents and forefathers, grandparents. They were living blissfully in a marriage till 85 years of age. Seriously, even even the non Muslims of this country. I once was talking to an old man in his 70s. He's been married for many, many years. And he was saying to me that, yes, today's generation, nobody can stay in a marriage, we, you know, shown how to live a marital life. In the 50s and the 60s, even the non Muslims in this

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country, they lived happily in marriages and the sustained marriages. Now, it's very difficult.

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It's very difficult. People can't stay in a marriage. Why? There's a reason and there are many reasons and I will just talk about some of these issues.

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First point, these points in Manitoba. First point is that

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people when they get married, we fail to realize that there is a difference between a man and a woman. This is for the Quran and Sunnah. And this is also proven by the experts.

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You might have read the book, men from Mars and women from

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Venus, men from Mars, women from Venus, what does that mean? There's a whole book written in English.

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A lot of good things in that book shows there is a major difference psychologically, mentally, emotionally, physically, between men and women. Not just between men and women, every human being is different from another human being.

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I am different from you, you are different from him, he is different from him. You all look differently. Every single one of us here looks differently. Every one of us thinks differently. The my idea might not be your idea. Your idea is different to his idea. We all we can have an issue here and we could have 200 opinions. Because after love inside is different. Every human being thinks differently.

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Even though our fingerprints are different, that's why they say go through the airport fingerprints, because that's how craziness.

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So we all different imagine every human being is different. And in marriage when it's two opposite genders, hopefully so when it's two opposite genders, it's a man and a woman marriage, not a man in a man or a woman or a woman, you know what I'm saying that hopefully, so it's a man and a woman marriage, they're not just that you are two different people, the two different genders. Now, the differences are even greater.

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differences are greater because a woman is psychologically mentally and physically created differently by the last panel data from a man and a man is created differently from a woman.

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There are major differences. We fail to realize these differences. When a man gets married. He just thinks like he's been living a bachelor lifestyle with his friends. He thinks another meeting the house as well. Nice stuff. She showed her friends very common. This is not just deals with him, I she's one of the mates.

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There's a big difference. You can't talk to your wife, when you talk to your friends. You might say something to your friends, and he will just give me a tap on the back. You say the same thing to your wife, I should probably cry for three weeks. Because she is emotional. She's fragile. She's different. Likewise, the woman the way used to talk to a friend a female for two hours, you know, talking about something. You can't expect your husband for two hours to listen to all the gory details. Yeah, this happened and this happened. Oh, okay. That happened. Oh, this happened. Okay. for two hours, men control for that look. So both parties need to realize that there is a difference

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between men and women. Allah has created both of them differently.

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And this is actually taken from a hadith is a famous hadith of

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Sufi Muslim and a messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. He said Allah to deny a woman is like a rip in according to her cassata. When is the doctor Bihar is the data we have in Iowa. A woman is like her rib. If you want to, if you try to straighten her, you will snap her if you want to benefit from the hub and benefit from the hub like she is.

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And there's this crookedness in her. Now sometimes people misunderstand this, Heidi actually just picked up these two books. These are two of the books that I wrote. And one of them is this, if you can, somehow this is an old book, but it's like 40 habits or marriage, all of them with CompTIA. You'll find it somewhere online or whatever institution also. But in there, I've talked about this with ahaadeeth

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33, where this has specifically explained that a lot of times people misunderstand this Heidi, and they think

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that this heavy is encouraging

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the man to realize that the woman is different from you. You know that some non Muslims, they attack Islam and they say the Messenger of Allah Islam compared to men to assaulting a woman to a crooked rib? No, no, this is trying to tell the man that from a man's angle the woman may seem different to

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the beauty of the rip is in it being bad, that that's not when degrading a woman. If, you know the beauty of a woman is in her being more emotional, more fragile, more gentle, more emotional, and the man who has been told that's right another heavy disease that therefore treat your women well because she is different from you. If you try to straighten her, if you try to make her a man, you will snapper. One of the major root cause of marital problems is the man who wants to wants his wife to think like him act like him eat like him drink like him walk like him. He probably can do everything like you. That's not gonna work. You've married a woman. If sometimes we forget the

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husband's if you forget you're married to a woman. Take us through how you had an Amrita sweet, I married a woman and

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just remind you that you married a woman will tell you why. You know, I am a woman just put it on your forehead sticker. I am a woman. fragile and handy with care. Because a lot of men forget. We need constant reminders. She's a woman.

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And a woman has to also remember that I've married a man. So this heading is saying that look from a man's perspective. She might seem different. bent in this hand it means to be different from your angles is different to to us is different.

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For her being that is perfectly fine. Actually the beauty of the woman

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Like the beauty of the rim is it being bent, the beauty of a woman is being more fragile and more emotional.

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I'm sure some of you who are married, you know that, like women are very emotional. Sometimes women cry, you know, you ask them why they're crying, they don't

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cry. Crying, to me was the reason. There's no reason why she's crying for what reason is, the man doesn't get into, but that's what the issue is that she's a woman. And if we don't realize this, then we're gonna have marriage problems, because you're gonna say, Oh, you know, you cry for no reason. But that's it, you know, she's a woman. So you have to have solid patience. So there are many, many differences between men and women. And both parties have to understand these differences, not understanding the opposite gender

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is a major cause for marital problems. Okay, so notice that away from that book as well once there's lots of things that are different.

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Like for example, I talked about this even the way men and women talk men on literally sets in the way they talk women are not determinists.

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Do you know what that means? Sometimes a woman might say to you,

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you've never taken me out to eat. That means that it's about time we need to go it's been about two, three weeks.

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Understand that, like, if you're a man, you have to be diplomatic. So no, she doesn't mean it.

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She doesn't mean that you never shut up. That's the way we have. If you don't understand that, then you're gonna have problems in your marriage.

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So therefore, we need to understand that our differences between men and women, and we have to have some patience, the woman needs to understand the flow, how the man is, the man doesn't want to be controlled.

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You know, the man doesn't like to be told

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what to do or what not to do. If the man is driving. I think the wrong turn of his wife says you took a wrong turn. This is a better way to say no, no, he knows it's wrong do not have taken the other way. You don't know.

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Like, don't tell me I'm like he doesn't like to be controlled. So the woman needs to understand this. This is the main ego This is the main issue that he doesn't like to be controlled by his wife and told this is wrong and this is right and you need to go this week. Both parties need to understand these inherent psychological and physical differences are was created both men and women differently. Look, there's equality of causes equality in Islam. Men I mean, aside from income and victory don't always says man or woman, whoever is more close to a law fearful to Allah will be more noble and close to a las panatela in the Muslim, Muslim woman in a movie that con 18 according to a

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man praise woman praise you don't get more reward just because you're a man or more reward because you're a woman. So there's equality. But there's differences. A lot of times people misunderstand. they confuse equality and similarity. These are two different things. There's equality in Islam. They're not similarity.

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There's equality, but there's one similarity men are different. Two men give birth to babies. No, I mean, you know, some women they think equality means similarity. You might just be in 10 years, you might have been watching Huddersfield saying, we've been all these feminists women coming out and saying it's not fair. Why do we get pregnant women should get pregnant as well? Why do we get menstruation we want equality.

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There's differences. similarity. There's just similarity, but there's equality in the sight of a lot you fast as a man or a woman, you don't get extra reward because of the agenda. Then there are differences. So we really need to understand these differences.

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Finally on this point, just to recap this that the man needs to realize that the woman is emotional she's gentle, she likes to talk sometimes have some or if she don't offer advices if she finds it sometimes a woman when she's asking something she doesn't really want to solution straightaway. I should say no more this happened this happened. How can you do that? Like for a mountain Okay, yeah, it just make sense a one on one is to just okay you're saying this is no no like this but then do that you know? That's what

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she doesn't want you to give her one minute solution. This happened just do this. We'll just do that. She just wants you to hear it's okay just Oh really? Okay. Okay. Oh, just just listen like for half an hour even if it wasn't because

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she just wants a half an hour someone just listening and then maybe just talk about it okay. And as long as there's no sinful talk or no Libra you have to try to chain your lives on your husband's leave us here on the other night just did they just want somebody to talk to that's why when they don't talk when their husbands don't talk to them. They'll pick up the phone and talk to a friend. Two hours to

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about something because those ones don't talk. That's why then they feel that emotional aspects somewhere else. So women want somebody just to talk to, they don't want advice straightaway. Women need so many to understand this, that women are gentle, emotional, fragile, they just need to talk to someone or all of that, and women need to understand, men need to be given the respect, and mere men need to be given that position and not be controlled and not to be told what to do. This is these are the main differences. But there's quite a few other

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differences as well between men and women. The way both of them sort of cope with stress how women's cope with stress how men cope with stress, you know, all of these things,

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you can read and read up on them. So that was the first reason why we have problems because people forget this, that men and women are different. Number two, because time is very short. This is very important. This is actually a connection to the first point. One of the reasons why we have problems in marriage in these day in this day and age and in our times more like I was saying in the earlier times is because gender roles have been mixed up.

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What do I mean by gender roles are they mixed up in the various hands whether they were Muslim or non Muslim men who are men, they acted like men, they played the role of men and women were women, they acted like women, and they played the role of women. Men were masculine. Women were feminine. men knew their own and their place women knew their own and their place. Now, and that's why slops is is a perfect balance. A man and a woman is a perfect jigsaw puzzle. They both compliment one another. They don't compete with one another. They complement one another perfectly. You put them two together and you have a perfect cup. But right now, the man has lost his masculinity. The man

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sometimes is no longer playing the role of a man has become half of a woman because from everything from the clothes he wears, from the way he thinks from the things he does. Everything the man has become hot woman, as a woman no longer has remained a full woman and femininity in her. She from the clothes she wears from the things she does, she's become a half man. Now instead of having a man marrying a woman, you've got a half metre and a half woman, half man and half woman and we've got a clash of civilizations Crusher, you know to people and that's why we have these problems gender roles are mixed up. This is why Islam says that men have a specific role a woman has a specific role

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to play a lot of Palo Alto cricket men and women and he knows best what the rules are. If Allah said this is the role of the woman and this is the role of a woman if Allah said this is the role of america this is the role of the man we the maxim of the league the remarks about the objective of creation we asked our last panel it's not about one gender being better than the other gender it's about differences like I said in the first point and roles have been given based on that the differences like I said this point is connection of the first point the because they are different different roles have been given like for example if I have to have some work in my office I have a

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business and I have two brothers coming to me one day two friends sitting in the office two friends generally surprised me and can say you know what, we want to help you come on give us some jobs I said okay, I was wishing making to our boss and somebody you know, the soldiers walk in my office I have all these boxes and these carpets and heavy things to lift and take them to the first floor you know upstairs and then I've got so much paperwork accounts to be done here. One of them is a big heavy bodybuilder you know very powerful very strong one friend of mine that is has a weak memory and brain is not that sharp normally.

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But anyway because all the power goes in other parts of the body the brain is weak or the body is amazing. The other guy's like a stick you know whatever it was done, but his brain is amazing. Now when I say okay, okay, perfect parents and all the boxes, who's going to give them

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the guy who's a bodybuilder very powerful, strong, no brain. And the one who's got nobody but amazing brains sit on my table do all accounts. If I say okay, the one who's got the brains or nobody you lift all the boxes. And the other one has a you that a bodybuilder with no brains do that counts. It's like wrong mixing up their owns. This is both of them have a quantity allows given men, certain qualities, women central qualities, it's not about one is better than the other one has one quality that has one quantity, another different quantity. So these are because of differences. The gender roles are different allies made roles differently for both men and women. The role of a man

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is to be the breadwinner. The role of the man this is why nefa in the olden times, wives used to depend on their husbands. This is one of them. Not

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Movie shouldn't work but one of the reasons is motherhood is not only you know families because we have a family we have the man working the woman working and the children are born then they are looked after by the nanny.

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Not the nanny, nanny. Nanny that is good. That means you know, your mother's mother, my nanny is looking after no time for the children the medicine world, the woman is somewhere else. And no longer number, the woman is dependent on that anymore. Like Okay, so what

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roles are completely different and the man is no longer being the responsible man of providing the Toronto region of the world una Annalisa. You

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adopte will be banned from formula.

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One plural of Milan, the man is a chaotic another boss, not the boss, p Wang, someone who is in charge who takes care with affection with love, you know, somebody who manages the affairs of the house. So these are gender roles that we really need to understand. These are today we live in a time. You know, when we look at the rights of husbands and wives. You know, there's so many rights of the husband and right to the wife and like we talk about his in marriage courses. But there's one ultimate right which is for the wife and one for the husband for all the rights if you want to sell on some of the some of the major rights of the wife which the husband needs to fulfill of hers, the

00:31:23--> 00:32:16

major Act does enough of this financial support and many other things. The main one is based on her gender characteristic is being ultimately caring and loving towards. That's the main right? The man has to be extremely harsh on them in numerous studies talk about looking after the man or woman Jen being gentle, being caring, being affectionate, looking after her needs, you know, treating her with ultimate love came adoration, emotional help and support. A woman needs to have ultimate admiration and respect towards her husband. Any marriage listen to this carefully in any marriage where a husband or a wife loses respect for a husband and marriages do do.

00:32:19--> 00:33:04

Some women say that he needs to earn his respect. I see no. man doesn't need to earn his respect. Yes, the man must not lose his respect is different. You don't get married and say okay, now one year I'm going to earn your respect. No, as soon as you get by a law said you respect him a lot. Nika has given him respect. But yes, the man must not act child as a child, and not as an islamically. A lot become such that then the woman loses respect. Yeah, the man must not lose his respect. But he doesn't need to earn it. So the ultimate drag of the husband is adoration. Amelie, he is considered to be a mirror of the household. In Islam, every area, whether a few people, you

00:33:04--> 00:33:44

need to have an immune to how do you say even when you're traveling from point A to point B and we already are going to meet anyway, automatically, we have to appoint an amine. This is a sooner why. Because then immediately he takes Matura consults, final decision is up to the army. Anywhere where the person the head loses respect, then you know that any job you have an industry you have a factory or a business, the boss loses his employees. That's a failure. Anyway, when so the main guy lose respect, then there's destruction, whenever that's why we have to have someone, the wife must realize that this is my

00:33:45--> 00:33:48

ultimate adoration because of his messenger. So

00:33:50--> 00:33:56

after a lot of messages of love what you said before a woman is like nobody's better than my husband on planet Earth.

00:33:57--> 00:34:05

And the husband, there's nobody worthy of my love, care, attention, emotional health and supporter ultimate clearing.

00:34:07--> 00:34:35

This this these are gender, major gender roles. And most important, that's why we're in men need love to be respected. When I say respect, of course, men need respect to women and women. If you look in a different context, the word respect in English can mean a few different things. But this is why I've explained this. If you're talking about etiquette, and other than Of course, you have to treat each other with respect. But this is considering what you know, in the olden times, women used to be submissive.

00:34:37--> 00:34:49

Women used to be submissive. There's actually another whole book written on this topic. There's a book called submissive surrender. The surrendered wife, you can buy it. There's also a website. You know, there was a there was a woman in America, non Muslim. I think

00:34:51--> 00:35:00

I've mentioned this many times the name of Norah Jones. She's done a lot of marriage conference because she was one of those feminists. Now. That's another problem. Feminism is a big issue nowadays.

00:35:00--> 00:35:39

As you look at feminism, it's a massive issue. Big Issue. If feminism means that men need to treat the women Well, of course then that's fine. Islam says is always given more treatment good treatment to women, then Islam, you know, so many so many of the messengers are love when he was selling the talk about how to treat your women with love, care attention. But if feminism means that a woman is like, you know, controlling a man, it's gone to the other end. Now, you know why this has come about because for many, many years, the women who are oppressed, you know, whenever something has a reaction, but it goes to the other extremes. So for many, many years, women are oppressed, then they

00:35:39--> 00:36:10

stood up now they are pressing the men. And this feminism, you get this nowadays women are very feminine, some of them like, especially in North America, I remember once many, many years ago, I went to a program, there's a massive conference in Toronto in in Canada. And my talk was about rights of husband and the woman rights of wife. I talked for one hour, 45 minutes, I talked about the rights of the white 45 minutes, 15 minutes and talked about the rights of the husband straight off the top, a lady came running up to me. I don't agree with what you say, you know, respect the husband, there's all these headaches. I mentioned headaches, because I don't believe in Saudis. The

00:36:10--> 00:36:20

Saudis were the messengers so well, when he was sent him that says that any woman who, you know, plays a halftime prays and fasts and makes her husband happy, she would enter Paradise before each other due

00:36:21--> 00:36:55

to gender with a bobby sharp, oh, what is all this? What about the husband? You know? You know, what it can add to the agenda, everything? What about the husband? You know, this, the poll, submissiveness is gone. Because of that, like I said, You've got a Half Men and half women miracle Half Men and half women, the first point, so this woman, she was a feminist like she used to control her husband, misery and marriages like completely misery problems in marriage, lots of lots of marriage. And she wasn't you know, what, I want to become submissive, completely submissive, surrender myself, GGG, whatever.

00:36:57--> 00:37:03

What do you say I have for you? Why do you want us you want to do this, this, you want to do this.

00:37:04--> 00:37:16

She started doing that our whole marriage changed. Because my husband became extremely loving, caring, like, he's goes the extra yard to make sure that I get everything I want. She said I could never be happy and manage.

00:37:18--> 00:37:20

She told her friend was having marriage problems.

00:37:22--> 00:37:58

She started doing the same how marriage was transformed. She told her third friend, because these are all American women, all of them like wearing the trousers in the house. So she changed her way. Her marriage is not prosperous. Total fourth friend, actually is notice the latest was like 17, or something, slowly, slowly became a whole group and they call the surrendered wife cut. We are surrendered. And then she wrote a book called The surrendered wife, you can order it online, read it. I should read that book. every chapter of the book reminded me of headaches of the messengers and

00:37:59--> 00:38:16

you know, chapter one, or pay your husband chapter two, respect your husband, chapter three, all these chapters the way she talks how life should actually go somebody. I mentioned this recently, somebody a sister from she lives, she's an American sister Muslim. She lives in Jordan.

00:38:18--> 00:38:55

She called me about two or three months ago. And she said, she said that I've actually started a company. So business so I don't normally mention because people tell me I don't I'm very careful. Because, you know, for business, you don't want to advertise it in an Islamic way. But she said if you can, inshallah, you know, I started doing business where I'm mentoring and tutoring and helping Muslim wives to be submissive to their husbands. She goes, I went through two years of change with Laura door, the one who wrote that book, but because she's not Muslim, so I added the Islamic flavor to it. And I started this company, me and my husband and actually trained a lot of so if you have

00:38:55--> 00:39:10

people in Charlotte, tell them or add them to my website. I've got courses and I teach them how to be submissive to your husband's Academy. Remember that website? Right now? She's emailed to me. So she's almost an American Muslim woman, but she lives in Georgia.

00:39:12--> 00:39:39

So you have this submissiveness, gender roles man has to remain a man and the woman needs to remain a woman. This feminism is really creating a massive problem in our societies. A massive problem to the point now people are so confused I was reading upon is so confused that feminism has gone to another level. There are you know, all these things. I recently had a talk somewhere

00:39:42--> 00:39:59

close there's a place Rochdale which is closed a little too far from here. We had a talk on atheism last month or the month before and I actually talked about how all these things are related. Nowadays you can people will be somebody that a woman will be a feminist, agnostic or atheist.

00:40:00--> 00:40:38

Bro lefty, vegan, like, animal rights activist, all of this in one, right? And sexually, they are now considering themselves to be. They don't they do not agree with having monogamous relationships like there's not one man can control me. I'm open to having multiple partners, many feminists actually now going into the lifestyle of whoever I want to have three, four men are different, you know, at one occasion, I'm not exclusively for one person, because I'm a feminist, nobody can control the ego comes,

00:40:39--> 00:40:46

you know, and it's really crazy and atheism is associated with it. All of these things are together. So,

00:40:48--> 00:41:27

we need to realize this that gender roles the man must at the same time ensure that he is the man, the man says to the wife and look at the man messengers of barbarism divided senior how you will recall he said, you go outside the house and work, be the breadwinner. And save the 14 out of your loved one ha you stay in the house Violetta. The greatest lockdown for a woman is being a mother, there is no greater knockdown for a woman than being a mother. Our sisters are here listening, if anyone tells you you're back home, or you somehow not doing anything in life, because you chose to stay at home and look after your mother, then tell the person you know sorry, slavery, this person

00:41:27--> 00:41:56

is not worthy of any consideration. They could be. There's no better, there's no better choice. If you want to call it a chore. There's no better activity than being alone. looking after your children. If anyone tells you you're back home, because you're staying at home, let them say that because they want to spoil their lives. For their lives, they want to spoil your life as well. You can tell us but you know what I'm going to wake up 10 o'clock in the morning, have a shower, get ready, have breakfast, my feet are relaxed, and I cook my meals I clean the house and look after the children.

00:41:57--> 00:42:16

At home, you go and remove all everything pay for everything. This is what Islam says. That's what Islam says. If you want to contribute hamdulillah if you don't want to, you don't have to take up any because this is what the Islamic rule is never our financial support is exclusively on plasma.

00:42:17--> 00:42:22

But then at the same time, remember that if your husband contact you every other month to divide, then he can't take a turn.

00:42:23--> 00:43:01

Because you know this is another problem that you will be one to live. We want to live a lifestyle with, you know all these luxuries. And then they cause problems. We want to build massive houses but no homes, we have no time for our children. Because we want to live a you know, like a massive house. real peace. contentment is in a smaller house, be together as a family give time to one another. We don't have enough time for our children. That's another topic altogether, of course coming up somewhere, rights of children, how to treat our children how to give them time. So anyway, time is very short given time. This was only the second point. I'm going to just quickly mention

00:43:01--> 00:43:20

some other points. Point number three. Another reason why we have marital problems or conflicts and divorces and marriages and because there's too many expectations before marriage. expectations. People delay marriage because of too many expectations. There's so many there's nobody perfect in the world. That's what happens in life.

00:43:21--> 00:43:26

No husband, no mini refers to husband, no husband should dislike his wife in

00:43:27--> 00:43:59

the oven. Haha. If you just that one character trait of your wife, there's so many other things to be happy about it, she can't cook well then she's very good at cleaning the house. She's not cleaning houses, you're very good at talking to you just everyone has the husband roundtable and one thing but good another thing. So less expectations, nobody's perfect. You will never get anybody perfect. This is what marriage is striving and struggling. There is no perfect, nobody will be perfect. You know, before we get married, some women like to think oh, you know, because the Washington has bollywood movies and everything. But I get married and my husband will be the prince

00:43:59--> 00:44:02

charming and give to me on my head.

00:44:03--> 00:44:25

And you know, it's all in the movies or for the movies. Basically, that's what it is, is acting. That's not reality. It's not real life. And likewise, the husband thinks Oh, with a good marriage, you're going to do this and this, this is everything. No one expectation. And generally this is a point in life, if you want to be happy, low expectations, how expectations are only for loss,

00:44:26--> 00:44:59

and not anybody else. If you have lower expectations, you will never be disappointed in life. One of the other ones so many Romans say this that the major ingredient to be content and happy and peaceful in this life is to low expectations from the mahalo from the creation of Allah. If you give somebody something don't expect anything in return. If they did something good back in return hamdulillah I wasn't expecting you'd be happy that was expected. But if they didn't, that's normal. Don't expect anything. And this is actually another point which I think I was going to talk about a minute to this point is that even in marriage

00:45:00--> 00:45:14

no expectation from your spouse when you are good to your spouse. This is the main this. What I'm seeing right now is the summary who knows for this session and the next session. This is only going to take me a minute to take with you.

00:45:15--> 00:45:55

Generally likely to do this. This is so important. In a sadati Manasa que la jolla let me know Muslims prayer fasting is a god living death. Every breath is only for Allah, everything we do with his glasses 30 for the sake of Allah, when you are in a marriage, you marry for the sake of Allah for reward for from a law, marriage in America. When you are good to your wife, you do it for the sake of Allah, when you are good to your husband, you for the sake of Allah, you smile at your wife for the sake of Allah, you pick your children up and give them hugs and kisses and you know, love. Send out the messenger so long as you're for the sake of Allah. If we do that in marriage, you know,

00:45:55--> 00:46:07

it's become a transaction every time he calls me up and says, Oh, yeah, I do do this. I do this I do this, but she doesn't do this. I said, Well, what are you waiting for the transaction was this contract like,

00:46:08--> 00:46:17

every time the wife says I do this I do this. Don't do this. It's like a transaction I always say to people forget what they do. You when you go in

00:46:18--> 00:47:01

when you see all the rewards you probably think I wish you never did nothing for me. Look at the rewards you've got to do it for a loss in every aspect of your good dealing with your wife is only for the sake of nothing in return. I was nice to know she must cook real good meal. No, no, it's for the sake of Allah. Don't expect anything from your spouse. These two expectations are a massive problem. Everything you know if we live a life like this, where we do things for the sake of Allah and don't wait for any return any recompense or anything in return, and the world would be a much better place to live. If we take this in life. And marriage is no different. It's always about your

00:47:01--> 00:47:49

spouse. It's all about the other person is all about you. We live in a time where it's all about me. Me Myself. My food my biryani my chicken my curry my feeding crest my love my service my this violence. We go into marriage. What am I going to get your marriage? No, no. What am I going to kill in marriage? marriage should be what am I going to give? It's not about solo but how much care how much attention how much looking after How much? How much you love? How much attention? How much? What can I How can I get reward from Allah? This is a means to end agenda when I get married. I when I've got 200 300 for every day, every minute, every second means of entering genda look for ways.

00:47:49--> 00:47:58

Oh, let me do this for my wife. Let me do this for my husband. I want to get agenda. Okay, no, no, you don't do anything for me. I'll do everything for you. Imagine you told

00:47:59--> 00:48:00

me to do

00:48:01--> 00:48:17

imagine what an amazing marriage now would be. This is what we need to take everything make it for the other person. So this was a third point why we have problems in marriage. Is that too much expectations number four quickly moving around 10 points but I don't know just five minutes just trying to summarize.

00:48:19--> 00:48:43

We have a lot of times immaturity especially this is a point more connected to many to many immature men. Sadly we live in a time when there are 40 year olds with a four year olds you know it's a big issue all women tell us say this to me that you know we find problems with husbands when they get married 22 year olds but they have not grown older than five so immaturity been living a bachelor lifestyle

00:48:44--> 00:48:53

and still want to live a better lifestyle and being mature creates massive profits. So trying to be a bit intelligent to have a you know some sometimes

00:48:54--> 00:49:09

people the intelligence the icon of the brain, the maturity is sad. We live in a time where honestly from maturity and mental point of view is really going down. You know, sometimes you look at some comments like on social media,

00:49:10--> 00:49:51

like children like 25 year old man acting like a two year old You know, I'm not saying don't have fun in life here. be pleasant. Be nice, gentle Of course, that is a lesson isn't alone, isn't it? Also, Joe can be pleasant with their spouses with friends. But sometimes it's hideous the way people act, childish, extremely challenge. There's no seriousness. We have real holder that was not created to be foolish and challenge people. We are serious people. We are all people have fun. this dunya is not just for fun, we're serious people who've got things to do in life, you know, huge amounts of time and we need to be serious people in life. So even in marriage and totally serious. Number five,

00:49:52--> 00:49:59

big issue. interference of outside people. Family members, especially in Islam says when two people are married only they are ready to die.

00:50:00--> 00:50:22

From here is going to bring the data from their great granddad from day one very great grand mal from here, you know, give your support, let them live their life. This is a big, massive Asian subcontinent problem. When there's a problem, everyone wants to get involved, the uncle wants to be happy, and the Grandma wants to be happy. They, where's my writing with this and everyone and the people themselves.

00:50:23--> 00:50:27

You know, every small issue, you get other people involved, your husband,

00:50:34--> 00:51:12

your wife, no, you don't every morning and night, falling in voluntary, every small detail about your life. That's not mine. So you have to let other people not interfere the interference of other people, family members and friends is a massive issue that creates problems, even friends, and actually does help you talk about the one who turns the wife against the husband, when you ask other people outside the marriage, give you advice, make to hastily turn someone against their wife or their husband is a massive sin Tara in a slot. You know, so many people in the system call another system, oh, he follows you.

00:51:13--> 00:51:14


00:51:16--> 00:51:21

Okay, if she's getting beaten up and abused, etc, then you say, of course, that's what I'm trying to take means. But sometimes

00:51:24--> 00:51:26

you're actually wanting

00:51:28--> 00:51:46

to leave the wife will leave the interference of other people, you should try your best to say no, no shoulder to server, this would work out this way that we try to solve this. Try to help people to maintain marriages happen above and beyond to the upper level Hillary in a

00:51:47--> 00:52:25

divorce is permissible, but it's one of the most disliked things, according to Allah subhanho wa Taala. Number six expectations from even those living together, this is a big issue as well, I don't have time to talk about this. But in those expectations, the massive issue again, sorry, I might say some things it might be culturally, you know, not right. And, you know, politically incorrect to say in some of our communities. But Islam says clearly that, you know, no husband and wife can marry the wife doesn't have no responsibility towards the mother. No, father, no, no, they're not her parents, she could treat them like, you know, uncles, aunts, parents, but she doesn't have to do anything

00:52:25--> 00:52:47

whatsoever, she does not have to lift a spoon for her father in law, she doesn't she's not sinful whatsoever, she does do something, then there's reward, when there's something that's recommended, or she gets rewarded, that needs to be appreciated. A mother in law must not demand an extract anything from adulting. Now, if you don't even know does something they should

00:52:48--> 00:53:06

know, because you don't have to do it when you're doing it. So she'll appreciate it and you know, appreciating that the wife will actually do because the money was appreciating knowing that she doesn't have to do it, but she's doing it. So there should be no expectation for Hindus, even learning together. Many of them are from the subcontinent

00:53:08--> 00:53:34

many, many, many years ago in his 30s. And he actually wrote in many of his books that in our time, my advice is, as soon as you can vary, temperature to live separately Don't, don't end up living in the same house. many books you wrote about this. And actually, it's one of the rights of the wife, if she wants a separate place, then the husband has to live separately. That doesn't mean you go in Jupiter and live, you know, then you'll never be able to see your parents. Someone says Oh,

00:53:35--> 00:54:15

no, you know, when you could be living across the street, you go to your parents and look after your dad and mom and spend time with them every day, go and take food if you want everything, but just a separate space. This is a rite of life. It's a fundamental right if she wants that, right. The husband doesn't give the right than the husband is sinful. It's against the teachings of Islam. She doesn't have to do anything for Hindus. But she does she has a lot of reward she should do it we shall love the Lord Lord, but it's not necessary. Number seven quickly. Another reason why we have marriage problems because of bad character. And this is given we all know bad attitude, especially

00:54:15--> 00:54:55

the tongue the misuse of the tongue. This is going back to spiritual diseases and o'clock and character. We have not reformed ourselves. We've not looked toes after ourselves. We haven't built our good character, especially the tongue. You know, I tell you so many marriages end up because of the misuse of the tongue. How many times though I remember there was one case when the brother said his given divorce his wife, this is his and this is eight years of constant nagging, swearing from my wife. Slowly, slowly, slowly, slowly drove him away. The tongue is it's it's poison. You know, sometimes it could be a man it could be a wife. anyone's tough. A lot of the times this is more of

00:54:55--> 00:54:59

an issue of a woman. They just think you know, I can say anything. Whenever I say anything, this

00:55:00--> 00:55:13

As husband says, How do you say the leisure center items at the moment? It doesn't mean that you can do anything. You know, the misuse of the tongue. It drives them anyway. swearing nagging, slandering,

00:55:14--> 00:55:17

needs to be controlled none of the problems I was mentioned a story.

00:55:18--> 00:55:22

But you know, and the thing is, we think every marriage problem is black magic.

00:55:24--> 00:55:33

No, this is an easy way to deflect responsibility. every issue, marriage problem someone sitting in miracle doing black magic.

00:55:34--> 00:56:01

Brains again does not occur. We don't think of that but and then we go to this organ and that organ and this person will all day to take advantage of your weakness and vulnerability and make money and it's a multi million dollar business industry. And they're all corrupt foolish for the fraudsters, most of them 99% of them is a big business. I know lots of things what goes on? every issue then you become obsessed is a disease. It's a one of a spoonfuls in the kitchen. And you think it's almost

00:56:03--> 00:56:36

every issue is easy way to deflect responsibility. You take away good people, someone else is breaking our marriage. No, no, you yourself is breaking your marriage. Because your luck is bad. Your character is bad. You're not a good person. Nobody else is making you bad. You yourself feel bad. So and then we just wanted someone to do Eurozone treatment and you know, get some water. I remember I mentioned the story many times before that there was this one ship, this husband wife, Kim said, we've got too many marriage problems, please, you know, give us some magic potions on the wall. We'll leave for another problem. Everything in the world is going to change with Overleaf Ah,

00:56:36--> 00:56:56

yeah, everything's gonna change the lever. So they came to the chef and says, you know, give us some water down you know, global drink water measure the soul of the chef show and explain to the managers don't get soft by just drinking some water. I do dumb and you know, miracle is a magic potion. You have to build your character as long as the working you have to be a person, they will understand the sheer

00:56:57--> 00:57:04

misuse of the tongue. So then he used a trick he said, You know what, okay, inshallah, I'm going to use some water, I'm going to blow on it. And we'll read some special.

00:57:05--> 00:57:22

Take this one button for your husband, one for your wife, special magic koalas. iwasawa special secret to the secret anyone can either. You don't have to go to some special person for some special ones before anyone else can can read it. So anyway, he said, almost impossible

00:57:23--> 00:57:26

for you. And then he said, You know what, how to dream. This

00:57:27--> 00:57:38

is such a wife. Whenever the husband comes in the house, as soon as he entered the house from work, you have to take a water and drink it and take in your mouth and keep it for 10 minutes.

00:57:39--> 00:57:47

And the husband said to the husband as soon as she takes you drink your water, and keep that water in your mouth for 10 minutes.

00:57:49--> 00:57:51

Problem solved after five, six months.

00:57:52--> 00:58:08

Why was the salt, they came to the husband's chef and she said I understood the problem was from what you told me all the details. As soon as the husband needs to come from work, he was tired, etc. The wife has to nap as soon as he's coming. You can lay it at the milk is not here. And

00:58:09--> 00:58:14

he gets Australian dishes shouting at each other. So he said you know what, as soon as he comes to work,

00:58:16--> 00:58:17

she's got put in about

00:58:21--> 00:58:27

you're supposed to say something for 10 minutes, and everything she's called down without the control as well.

00:58:29--> 00:58:35

So this is why the misuse of the tongue number eight quickly in age nine to 10. I just mentioned one minute.

00:58:37--> 00:58:52

Many issues, many issues or financial issues level dounia we've got a lot of spiritual disease, we need to take care of our hearts. This is a topic on soul control. on this topic, each of these points I can talk about tomorrow's

00:58:53--> 00:58:59

love of dunya is a spiritual disease, we need to remove the spiritual disease from the house, you know, and this is why we have conflicts.

00:59:04--> 00:59:08

Number nine, not practicing Islam. So there's no if you don't have to stop the

00:59:10--> 00:59:44

blessings in our marriage, the way to practice Islam, how's that has Islam in it 510 prayers, some are songs of God. And then you're reading connectivity books together, reading the spirit of the messengers and above when you send them acting upon Islam have Islam at home. You can't expect to have a prosperous marriage without Islam at home at home. So very important that had Islam at home and number 10. All these nine issues I mentioned we could do something about it. This last issue is not in our control is beyond our control.

00:59:46--> 01:00:00

Which is no compatibility. Sometimes you can act upon all these bad things. Everything was there, but two people are just too different. Like they're not compatible. Therefore there's no chemistry

01:00:00--> 01:00:23

And when that happens, that's the only time when you think about divorce, because there's no way you can actually do anything about it. Nine things were in our control, the 10th thing was beyond our control. So these were just 10 random thoughts and points to gosh and Camila came to my mind, which I just jotted down and I could say a lot about these things. I just like this is like

01:00:24--> 01:01:05

these topics, each of these 10 points require a lot of detail maybe you know, inshallah, but So, good idea. Anyway, these are issues and reasons what caused marriage problems. If we start acting upon this, try to bring this into our life and the main thing that I mentioned make marriages about or about the other person, everything about the other person, you know, we are there to please Allah subhana wa, Tada. Marriage isn't a burden, it's a worship. It's all about gaining the pleasure of a blog is all about and doing for the sake of Allah. If we do that inshallah, we will see that our marriages will prosper as well.