Causes & Solutions to Marriage-Family Problems
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Channel: Muhammad ibn Adam al-Kawthari
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respected Brothers and Sisters in Islam Salam or aleikum wa rahmatullahi wa barakaatuh
first of all, it's an honor
and it's a privilege for me to be here in your midst today. Alhamdulillah we praise and we thank Allah subhanho wa Taala I would like to thank the organizers of today's lecture,
the Russia the Foundation who invited me as well as the masjid here and the Imam and the committee members for facilitating this program and all of you for attending and taking out your very precious time on a Saturday evening. May Allah subhanho wa Taala grant us the ability to say that which is beneficial for myself for you and put it into practice and bring about some good understanding of deen and that we implemented in our life. Amin
topic we have today
marital and family disputes, causes and solutions.
I have a few points that I want to cover four or five points.
I will talk about the causes in about five points. And then we shall each point mentioned the solution.
Our Deen Islam, that Allah Allah subhana Medina has blessed us with it's a way of life. It's not just a religion. It's a complete way of life. It's a unique way of life that has teachings, guidelines, rules, advices injunctions to do with every aspect of our life. From the moment we wake up till the moment we go to sleep, every point of our life, there is Islam, there are Islamic guidelines, there are Islamic rules. Islam is not just about a few forms or modes of worship. We call it riba that in some other faiths, you might have that certain celebrations, certain rituals, certain times of the year, when you go to the place of worship, and you spiritually sort of meditate
and that's about it. Whereas in Islam, it's a comprehensive way of life. The teachings of the Quran and Sunnah deal with every aspect of our life. So we have a burden which is worshiping Allah subhanho wa Taala worship is just one category, prayer, fasting, zakat, Hajj, Umrah,
these are all herbal rules or these are all issues relating to worship a Buddha riba that that's just one branch of Islam. And then we have another branch of Islam, which is known as marmelade. Bill, business and financial transactions. That's a branch on its own. Islamic laws and guidelines deal with a lot with how a Muslim acquires his or her wealth, inheritance laws, financial laws, many books and books have been written the Quran and Sunnah are filled with verses, you know, the longest verse in the Quran if you ask some of the scholars here, which is the longest verse in the Quran. What does that longest verse talk about? Does the longest verse in the Quran talk about how to
perform hajj, how to do Amara, how to pray Salah how to give the gut how to fast, how to eat slower and Iftar Who is it about charity, the longest verse in the Quran
Use with credit transactions. The Quran says yeah you're Latina Manu either to the young tongue bdn Illa, urgently Musa malefic taboo or you will believe when you take a loan write it down while lactobionic compatible Bill other Allah goes into extreme detail of how to do a small credit transaction, who should be the scribe? Who should write it down? When will you take this money? When will you pay it back? All the details are mentioned when it comes to worship. The Quran is very limited.
The five time prayers have just about been mentioned in the Quran. Just the names there are no details of there's no way in the Quran the mention of Toorak artificial, we offered three Ricard Muslim nowhere in the Quran Allah says thorough thorough Cardinal mothering, there's no way three number for mothering has not been mentioned in the Quran. Likewise the rules of fasting Quran is very limited, Hajj and Zakat and Amara the Quran is very limited. Now when it comes to the second category muamalat
financial transactions
and also the third category, which is more Arusha and that's our topic today Marsha. Marsha means social etiquette, social laws, social rules, social guidelines. Human being is a social animal, we all live with one another. There are detailed the Quran goes into details in terms of how to live with one another, how to live with one another, as family members as husband and wives or spouses, as family members as relatives as cousins as human beings, Muslims, non Muslims. There are detailed laws in the Quran that talk about the this category of martial law. And then we have another category which is this theater called law which means the laws relating to the heart. So Islam is a
comprehensive way of life. We learn about a Baghdad we have to be a complete Muslim. We can't just be a partial Muslim. We can't be a quarter or a half time Muslim. We have to be a complete Muslim.
The Quran says yeah, you're Latina. Amanu the Hulu facili me cough Oh you who believe enter into Islam completely, totally fully, comprehensively. Allah sent to the people of the blue Israel in a totally new in a river of dedicated water Karuna. Viva org. Do you take parts of the book and discard other parts? Do you take some portions of the Quran of the book of Allah and if other parts enter into Islam completely act upon the laws of Ibaadat also act upon the laws of morality and financial transactions. You can't just be a Muslim just praying. You can't be a Muslim just fasting. Muslim is not just someone who restricts the Islam to just Hajj zakat on raw fasting. A Muslim has
to be a comprehensive Muslim, the way he or she acquires his wealth has to be and must be inlined in line with Islamic guidelines. Otherwise, the wealth income is unlawful, It's haram and there is no reward in any charity and the whole lifestyle becomes a lawful. Likewise, we have the third category which is more Asha, social news, social advocates, numerous ayat and a hadith of the Quran that talks about great emphasis on social cohesion, great emphasis on family ties, kinship, known as Sen Rahim maintaining ties the word in Arabic is right you know you've heard of the word Rama. Rahim is also known as the womb the womb of the mother in Arabic is Rahim Salah to Rahim maintaining ties,
especially between family members because these family members are connected to one wound. And the opposite of that is Katya to Rahim which is breaking of ties cutting of ties. The messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam in a hadith he said I had horrible Jana Ducati Rahim. The one who breaks ties are they're the one who breaks ties shall not enter paradise. Now. Yeah, Judah Docomo who focus on Earth. This is a Hadith sound in Sahih al Bukhari who none of you should leave talking to your brother or sister you can add more than three days from an hedgerow HuFa Salah Informatica dakara na whoever deserves their fellow brother more than three days and they die in that state shall enter
Hellfire May Allah protect us, and I'm sure mashallah here I'm in Trinidad. I don't think you need this topic because I have been here for just one first time and this is the first time I've ever come to Trinidad. I've been to Barbados before but first time here, and I've spent just one day I came last night I'm here one day and another two more days and I have to go in one day I've seen mashallah generally people are very good in their manners and HELOC and character so I don't really think you need all of this. This is all we in the UK need because people's you know, moral ethics sometimes or not.
In light to inline with Islamic guidelines, but generally, you know, people seem very good here. So I'm sure this is just a reminder. I'm sure all the Muslim brothers and sisters are practicing this. So it's just a reminder, the Quran says we're the kill for in the Quran, meaning remind because reminding benefits the believers. So the Quran talks about this, the definition of say, Ooh, the Quran says Farsi own the sinners. Who are those Yakata guna Muhammad Allah who be a user, they break that which Allah has told and commanded to maintain, maintaining of ties, having good relationships, healthy relationships. This is the category of Maharaja the there's a hadith where the messenger
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is giving a definition of a believer who is a Muslim, who is a movement. He said, Well, there's two Hadith there's many Hadees but these two have just come into mind. One, he says, a Muslim in another one, he talks about movement. There's two terms. There's a technical difference Muslim men, but that's for the students. But both terms if you take the Muslim term, he said who is a Muslim, a Muslim woman Salema and Muslim Munna militia and Eva de Muslim is the one from whose hands and from whose tongue, others are safe. And when it comes to men, he said who is the movement? A minimal effort on well, I'll hire a female, Allah you will have a movement is
someone who is an abode of love. Someone who is a utensil, a fountain of love. Someone when you look at that person, you love that person and that person loves you. And McMinnville lafortune. He said it's a it's a place a movement is from whom love pours out. What a hero of human you will love. This is an anonymous note of Imam Muhammad. There is no good in the one who does not love others. And because of that, others don't love him or her. Normally when you do when we don't have others and others won't like us, and there's numerous numerous texts. There's a hadith in Sahih Muslim where their messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that
Allah subhanho wa Taala created
the creation when he was creating the creation He created many things of the creation and then he created this Rahim this tie itself now what was the form of it? Allah knows best that this is a sound sahih Hadith in Sahih Muslim in Allah Tala halacha hulp and he created the creation Harta either forever Minho Ahmed al Rahim when he completed creating the creation the Rahim Rahim means the time itself you know the family time or the time itself. Allah gave it a phone. It stood up and spoke to Allah. And he said, Oh Allah you've created me her MA Kamala easy becoming a Katya.
I want to take your refuge This is a place now that I want to take your refuge from anyone violating me. So Allah spoke to the Thai and said okay, go ahead what you want to say. So the Thai itself said that
Allah said to the Thai that yes, granted,
whoever will maintain you, I will maintain that person who whoever will not maintain you will break you. I will cut that person up that woman Pathak assume and masala ko Octoman PATA Ark.
So there's numerous texts in the Quran and Sunnah that talk about this the you know, one of the verses that when people get married, the Imam when you resize the hotbar what type of Allah Allah de Luna be he will or hum fear Allah from breaking ties. That's why the reminder is at the time of Nica is at the time of marriage, we're talking Allahu Allah de Luna Obi Wan Erhan. Well, autohelm is related to what Takala fear Allah from breaking ties. So we know this this is very important. It's an extremely important part of our deen Ibadat is one category one chapter fasting praying that God has Onra dressing like a Muslim hijab niqab covering all of that is a quarter of Islam if somebody
prays fast the curd how's your camera vichara the speed is too far to emulate the hijab and niqab hijab and address everything but is neglectful in how they earn money and how they deal with others and how they clap and more ambulate and, and how they transaction and how they dealings and how their social interaction is with others. If they neglect that, then that person is a quarter Muslim just one quarter because they've only acted upon the Ibadat a quarter of Islam. And Allah tells us enter into Islam fully with holo filmmaker for a great deal of importance given on ensuring that we live a life where nobody is harmed from us no human being no animal No Nobody. But of course there
are times where it will happen but what we should straightaway seek forgiveness but generally, a Muslim is someone who does not get involved in disputes, whether it's marital disputes, especially starts at home because Charity begins at home. Sometimes we are very well mannered, very good mannered when we are in the home
public, but at home we are not. There's two reasons for that. One of the reasons is that because outside it's a bit of a show, so when you come to the masjid hamdulillah salaam aleikum wa rahmatullah smile good. Everyone at home, there's no one to show off to. You've lived with your wife or your husband for 20 years, they know the ins and outs of our life. So then there's no one to show off to outside, there's a bit of show. And number two, the second reason why we're good outside or not at home, is because the challenge is greater at home. The person we meet at the masjid, we meet him for 10 minutes. The colleague at the workplace, we spent five hours with him, but people at home
we are living with him 24 hours 24/7 We live in the same house. You know, things are difficult people do things say things when feelings are hurt, so great to test, it's a greater challenge. And the greater the challenge, the greater the reward, the greater the thought the greater the reward from Allah, Allah subhanaw taala for some people, and also, you know, this good character, Imam Al Ghazali Rahim Allah, He says good character is actually acquired, you are born with it, or you you acquire it. He says, some people are just born with it. Some people are just generally like the people of Trinidad, they are just generally calm, you know, they're cool. They're just born with it.
Your challenge is small. For some people, they are born with anger, they are born with bad luck with bad character. The challenge now, that's not an excuse, because Allah gives everyone different challenges. Someone has the challenge of anger, but they may not have a challenge of something else, greed, somebody has a challenge, that they are very calm, they will never get angry. So it's easy for them to save themselves from the sin of rage and anger. But they might have some other sexual lustful desires extremely high. That is very difficult for them. The challenge is great for them to stay away from illicit relationships, someone who may have the great challenge of illicit
relationships that maybe, you know, come in the anger departments, everybody has different challenges, Allah has given everyone different challenges. So some people are generally born with a good character, their challenges small, but they have other challenges. But this is a definite test and challenge, ensuring that we live a life where we are not harming anybody. There are many reasons and causes and I will mention these points. Now that was just a small introduction, in terms of what causes the solution, what causes some of the problems, we find marital problems, family problems, disputes, conflict. Okay? There's a few I'll sum these up. Number one, one of the reasons and this I
was mentioning earlier today, that
in every faith,
in every faith, in every community, in every religion,
in every religion,
they encourage people to have good manners, good character, everyone in the world you speak to a Muslim and non Muslim or Hindu or a Christian or a Jew or an atheist, it's agreed upon accepted
fact of the world. Be well mannered Ladies and gentle men. Be nice, be gentle, be kind be considered, be hospitable, be courteous, be cordial, be good towards people. This is generally accepted in the world. But there's a difference between
Islam, the teachings of Islam and the teachings and understandings of all the other communities in rest of the world in all the communities and all the religions in all the faiths. You are good to others for their sake, you want to be good to the public, you want to be good to someone next to you want to be good to just human beings, kind to animals, because you want to be nice to them in Islam. The difference is that the first and foremost consideration in Islam is we are supposed to show good character good manners and have good relations and good relationships with others. Not even for the sake of others. That's the difference. It is for the sake of Allah subhana wa Tada. It's for the
pleasure of Allah. This is what we call a loss. This is what we call sincerity. This is a big difference. When I am good to my parents. Yes, I want my parents to be happy. But that's secondary. The first objective the first reason my first Luxardo amo goal. Oh, my first intention. My first aim is I want to please my God. My Lord has said Rob Booker Darboux year who have been validating Asana, Teach your parents honorably. When I am good to my children, don't be good to your children because you want to be good to them now so then they treat you well when you're old age. You know I saw a sticker once on it on a on a car they said treat your children well because they will be the ones
who choose your old age resting
homezone your old, some people say let's look after the now they will look after us in old age, completely an Islamic understanding. So the first cause of family disputes is we do it for the wrong reason our intentions are wrong. Our intentions are worldly, whether they will reciprocate. If we are good to others, they'll be good to us or you want to make them happy or it's for some worldly aim and goal. Also people think we're very, you know, gentle people, good people, or I have good to my wife so that my wife cooks nice fish and biryani for me. Well, I am good to my husband so that he buys me all the gifts. The intention is wrong. The solution is we must correct our intention. This
is the first hadith of most Hadith books in normal Armando Binya actions are by the intentions.
We have to ensure our relationships are good for the sake of Allah, Allah subhanaw taala, not even for the person that we are being good to. It's not even for that person. It's got nothing to do with others. It's solely for the pleasure of Allah. This is the reason why we have many problems. Because what happens when we are good to others, we expect things in return. We expect we demand it or we expect it. We call people for food. I call this person for my walima he has to call me from his walima. When we look at who we need to call there, those people we have to call them if you don't call them they'll take it bad. The moment you do something where you think people will take it bad.
All the rewards are gone out of the window. There's no There's no reward, doing things so that people will say, you didn't even go to visit. We go to a Janaza funeral prayer, not because to show people
it's because a great act of rebirth. Imam Ahmed been humbled of the Allahu Anhu one of the great Imams of this ummah. Once there was a great scholar of his time, Bishop haffi, a great pious individual who passed away in Bogota in Iraq.
The whole world was going for his Janaza prayer, one of the greatest shakes of the time. People are traveling from places coming to offer and attend the Janaza prayer. So the Imams students said to him, share janazah today remember? He said No, actually,
I don't feel like going. He got a shock. The whole world is traveling here and you are not going on your everyone's going to wait for you you will be the main person that
he said actually, I'm trying my best. I'm trying my best. But I can't make my Nia I can't I'm just the NIA keeps on coming that people will if I don't go people will say if I go there the intention is not becoming it's not becoming sincere people will say Imam Muhammad went I saw Mr. Muhammad at the funeral another great Imam Muhammad was there. He also attended He also attended I'm trying for the past hour I'm struggling with my enough's with my soul. I'm trying for the past hour that all I just want to go for your sake for Allah sake. But it's still not happening until I don't get to the level I'm not gonna go. He was working for an hour on his intention. Everything we do in this world,
nobody should know you give with your right hand your left hand should a note and the Hadith.
We give in charity, nobody should know between us and Allah subhanaw taala we are good to our parents. It's for the sake of Allah, Allah will reward us. We give somebody a gift, the Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says
the hurdle,
the hurdle, the Habu exchange gifts. Give your mother a gift. Give your father a gift. give your brother a gift. Give your husband a gift. Give your wife some flowers, give gifts to have boo you will increase in love. But this is when the gift is for the sake of Allah. Not because they will say thanks to us.
One of the Golden principles of being happy in this world. There's many principles. That's another topic, we can look at steps to being internally happy. That's another topic on its own. There's lots like 10 different reasons. But one of those 10 things is not to expect anything from anyone in this world. If you if if we make this a principle of our life, I don't expect anything from anyone. If I do something good to someone I go and give a gift. I don't even expect they will say thank you or joke a lot even smile if they smile. Wow bonus. I wasn't expecting this smile. Oh, he said thank you. Hello. That's bonus extra. I wasn't expecting it. If we don't expect anything from anyone. We
will never be disappointed. Cut off all expectations from the creation. build connections with expecting
shins with the Creator. There's a hadith the messenger sallallahu alayhi salam used to make dua, Allah Humala, Gylfi Calbee, Raja
Allahumma Jiang Calbee. Raja waka Raja Armand seawork. O Allah cut off in my heart all expectations with people besides you and make all my expectations with you it geography Columbia Roger, all our expectations should should be with Allah with Allah subhanho wa Taala if we lower our expectations we cut off our expectations we don't expect anything in return. We don't expect the mother in law to be good. We don't expect the daughter in law to come and cook 20 dishes a biryani if she does a Hamdulillah I wasn't expecting this wow, you cooked you will be happy if she didn't cook. That's normal. I don't expect it anyway.
If we live a life like that, most of our problems will be solved because our intention is to be good for the sake of Allah not because we will get something in return I speak to so many times you know some couples the wives calling I you know we have some problems in our marriage. I do this I do this I do this I do this I do this. But you know he's not doing I said you do this you do this do it for Allah forget him.
Likewise a husband Oh man, I take this and I give her this but look at her she's not I said all this all your life you were just doing it for her you have no reward. Of course you can avoid an oppression on Goldman there's situations doesn't mean you know if someone's abusing you, you take the abuse, but small small things if your spouse your husband, your wife is not giving you in return then don't worry all the rewards are in the orchestra to the point that by some of the rewards all of this you will get an AKA when we go in the arcade I will probably think that I wished my husband or wife did not do anything for me by seeing the rewards. Because it's this is marriage is not a
transaction. It's not a deal. You scratch my back I scratch your back. You give me one biryani I give you one Hadiya one gift you do this, I do this. It's not a transaction. Parents and children is not a transaction.
If you give me money, Dad, I'll bring you some tea. If you do this, then I'll do this. It's not a transaction. It's actually in the Hadith. There's a famous Hadith the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said Lacell was you know Bill McAfee Wallah Kindle was an alert either cootie Arthur Rahim who was ALLAH famous Hadith. The real maintainer of ties is not the one who lays on Watson. Bill McAfee. McAfee means the one who reciprocates, if someone's good to me, and I am good to that person, no big deal. That's not the real maintain of ties Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is saying the one who gives back to someone who was good if you're good to someone who was good to you,
then you have there is no big deal. This is not similar to Rahim. He said Allah Kinal Watson, Allah the either who try to remove who was Allah, the Real maintain of ties, the one who maintain ties is the one when others cut him off. He maintains the ties for the sake of Allah because being good to someone who's good to us, that's normal. If we weren't even doing that, then we wouldn't even be human beings. So that's no big deal. If someone's good to me, and I am good to them. That's okay. That's normal average, no big deal. You haven't done anything yet. The real challenge is when someone doesn't talk to you, you still smile at them. This was the practice of the messenger
sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, numerous Hadith. He said, you know, to the Companions, forgive the one who Salama co oppresses you talk to someone who doesn't talk to you smile at others who don't who don't smile at you. And generally when we are good people the other party will always feel guilty and they'll give in in always feel guilty and given we should always be nice, be gentle for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala we do our duty in a nice way. Sometimes we do it but in a like a sarcastic way. You know, I'm doing it. Okay. Okay, let's see, no with a loss when sincerity for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala. We fulfill our right if it's a husband, wife issue, forget about as a husband,
forget about my rights.
What are my wife's rights? What are my responsibilities? And what are my wife's rights? Forget what she has to do for me, what do I have to do for her? And if it's a wife, forget what my husband has to do for me, what do I have to do? If we live in this world where every person just learns about their responsibilities, concentrates on the responsibilities what they have to do for others, and forgets what others have to do for them? If everyone does that the whole world would be a better place today.
So this is the attitude loss and sincerity. So the first point because we have these marital disputes or family disputes is because the intention is not clean. The intention is not sincere. The need inside the heart. It's for ulterior motive. It's what
A worldly gain is for a worldly reason. It's for showing off. Sometimes it's for some other objective of the world. The solution to that is maintained ties, whether it's with family members, with parents, with children, with spouses, with husband, with wife, with brothers, with sisters, siblings, relatives, cousins, fellow human beings, Muslims, non Muslims only and solely for the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala this is what we call the flowers. The Quran says well, not only really Abdullah meclizine Allah Who did
that we have been ordered to make our religions and sia when we are sincere, not just Salah sincere, but even our relationships our dealings have to be sincere for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala number two, the second reason or
reason or cause for many of our disputes is that
we have this attitude of being and this is a human being nature, this is a human nature that human nature is human being has been created as a very, very selfish being. We are the extended family of the animals and I'm not talking about I don't believe in evolution by the way I just said that extended family but we share some things with the animals we do we do share. That's why sometimes when the way some human beings act, we get to the animal level. If you've been and I'm sure you see a lot of animals here, you know if you go to a pond where you have ducks or some animals, take a bread and just throw it you know to some ducks or some animals or some birds, throw some Chowpatty
roti, as you call it or some bread. Have you seen the animals fighting? They fight literally Animals Fight. We say look at these greedy animals. You know, there's a big swan. I took my you know, family. And I was telling us a look. You know, I have a son and a daughter. I said to them, you know, because the Son Son is five years old and daughter's two years old. Sometimes it's a bit you know, nasty and being selfish. And you know, he's always they're not sharings. So I took them to the zoo place and I saw a small farm place. And there were two goats. There was a big goat and a small goat brother and sister. And we were throwing some two patties and the big one was not letting the
small one eat every time comes. drives the other one away. I said, Look, this is what you do. That's you. And that's her. A key if you be selfish, do you want to be a goat? Because Oh, this is so bad ego disease. You're not letting the small says to eat us and no selfish every time since that day came home. When he grabs the packet of crisps. Are you the goat selfish? Oh, no, no, I'm not. I'm not here. Here. He gives it to the sister. I always remind him Don't be the goat.
This is a human animal characteristics. Sometimes some animals are more human than human beings. And sometimes some humans are more animal than animals. These animalistic traits. We laugh at animals sometimes. But you know what the only reason sometimes we don't do that because we have law and order.
And we have a bit of wealth and law and order. You know if if suddenly a coup takes place or something takes place, I've seen people what they do, they loot and they just kill human beings used to eat each other animals eat each other. We human beings would start eating each other. They would do if there's poverty, we lose everything. Literally human beings will be eating each other. They wouldn't be doing that we've just become a bit civilized. That's why when when law and order goes. There's no police. There's no law and order than human beings. They're each other's throats we kill each other. We don't care about anyone. This is the human nature which we share with animals, being
selfish, being self centered. Islam came to eradicate this human this this nature of the human being. This is a spiritual disease of being selfish. This is why Islam says teach your children from a young age when they are young, instill deep into the hearts of the children. The quality which is opposite of this being selfish is the cause of problems. The opposite of that is what we call in the Quranic language, ethos or ethos or is being being what
selfless selfishness and selflessness being selfless. giving priority to others. The definition of selflessness and ethos is sacrificing your own interest going through a bit of hardship yourself for the sake of others. The Quran says about the Sahaba Radi Allahu Anhu will you Luna either unfussy him while O'Connor be him Kasasa they give preference to others even if they have to remain hungry this ayah was revealed. After you may know the story that once a guest came to Madina Munawwara the message to the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said who will entertain this guest a unsightly Sahabi stood up and he said oh no ya rasool Allah mio
messenger of Allah. He didn't even ask his wife he just went you know, normally you should
desk phone Yeah, because we go home and you say a bar guests. Normally the etiquette is at least call your wife like you know someone's going to come. Just don't go with 20 people you're going to take the food out but the thing was that at that time there was no need that's a hobby didn't need to phone his wife or there wasn't any phones but he never had to give any message. Why? Because life was simple. Again, back to the first point there were no expectations there was no like, if you fed someone you fed them, you know, basic food from the heart. That's it. We don't have to we feed we bring 10 dishes, but we complained 20 times. I don't know why they had to come at this time. You
know, oh, no, it's we sometimes put a lot of dishes on the table so that you know, they're talking about about us like oh, this is the only thing that can feed fee if you can't feed and give a lot of dishes hamdulillah for the sake of Allah, but they had no the Sahaba had no formalities, whatever is in the heart is on the tongue. Nothing no problem. This is my house. I've got two dates here. Bismillah I'll feed you in your mouth for the sake of Allah. You eat it you go that's it, no formalities. So he took the companion home The wife said you know what, there's no food. There's only one person's food. The children he said just make the children go to sleep just boiled to some
pretend that something's been woman. They'll fall asleep. The children went to sleep. The wife didn't eat. The husband didn't eat and he told the guest sit down and on the food spread he bought the food in front of the guest and then there was a lamp so he pretended because there's only one person can eat he can't eat. So as soon as they were starting eating, he just like he hit the lamp. So oh no lamps going out though. There's no lights now can we love to eat in the dark. And in the in the dark. He just pretended
you know he's just pretending he's eating, eat. The guest is eating relaxing. He thinks the host is eating but the host is not eating. He's just pretending in the dark. He's doing a good act and the person does not even know this is another issue. Going back to the first point. When we are good. We need to we must the host mother. You know what? I didn't eat for you today. Remember that? Today I my whole family sacrificed the food I love you. You know see how much I do for you.
Again, not for the sake of Allah going back to the first point. Here the companion did not even let the guests know and realize and pretended that he was eating
nobody knew but Allah never kept it secret Allah revealed a verse in the Quran where you will see Runa either unfortunately him while O'Connor be him haha. These companions they call it is such that even if they remain hungry, they will give preference to others. They will stay hungry for the sake of others they'll feed others for the sake of Allah subhanaw taala this is this is the quality ethos or build this quality we need to bring this quality in ourselves, ethos or giving preference to others. The Hadith of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam he says numerous Hadith talk about this. He says that now you may not have to come again you can't be a person cannot be a complete
believer that you hate him or you have been enough say until he does not like for his brother what he likes for himself and you can include sisters here as well. And another Hadith he said, Hey, Berlin Nassima to hibel Enough sick in this first Hadith he said you don't love for your brother, somebody might think this is just for Muslims. In this other Hadith in the Muslims of Imam Muhammad. He said hey Berlin Nursey love for people. No restriction of Muslim non Muslim love for people for humanity what you like for yourself, which includes you want Eman for you? You want Iman for others as well. You want eternal bliss and Paradise and Jana, you want eternal bliss and paradise for your
fellow you know Trinidadians if you could I don't know what you say but but for the fellow people. This is this is the Hadith.
Wanting always putting people before us. This can go on and on. This is a very important aspect. You know, to put in every relationship putting ourselves in the shoes of the others. How would I like to be treated? That's how the other person likes to be treated in every relationship. Take every relationship, parents children, but the problem is we are selfish when we are children. We don't know how what a parent we don't know how he feels because we're not parents said but the only thing that matters to us is being a son or a daughter is like my rights and why is my dad like this and why does my mother doesn't understand and they backward and they don't understand. Oh young man,
young woman. You're going to be married soon and you will have children then now using okay kids nowadays look at them they don't even when you become parents. The only rights that matters is parents rights. When we are children. We only live in the children world. When you are an employer you forget you are an employee one day when you become an employee. When you're an employee then you forget what how it feels to be an employer. When you're a landlord you forgot you used to rent and you're a tenant. But when you're a tenant you don't know what the landlord feels like. Everyone's in their own area that Islam is saying when you're a landlord for one more
I'm going to go over the other side when you go on the other side and pretend, think, if I was a tenant, how would I feel? How would I want my land and landlord to treat me? If you're a mother in law and a daughter in law, mother in law, forget what it felt like being a daughter in law. Oh, mother in law, you know what, 25 years ago, you were a daughter in law at that time, the only thing that mattered to you are the rights of duty and lose. Today you become a mother in law, you don't know what I taught in law. It's like a different species. I don't know. What is that is that some jinn or something is just the only thing in the world now matters is being a mother in law, and the
daughter in law, yes, today, your daughter in law, you got a two year old baby within 1015 years, that boy is gonna grow up and I'm gonna get married and gonna bring a daughter in law, now you will become a mother in law, and then only you change your switch. This is the problem selfishness. Everybody lives in their own bubble in their own when someone's ill, they think they're the only person that ill. They're nobody else you know, only my illness matches. When we have a problem, then this is the biggest problem on planet Earth. This everyone has issues we need to think about others. There was a lady that once she had a small stomach problem that took her to the hospital, and she
was complaining that my stomach's hurting, my stomach's hurting somebody, when they were taking the lift, they suddenly saw a patient that was burnt from head to toe. Somebody said, auntie, Look, she's burned somebody in Charlotte Have you only got stomach pain. She looked with your eyes burned, but he hasn't got the stomach pain.
Because this is bigger than that. Because for her only that matters. This is human nature. And this is why Islam says we need to build this ethos, this selflessness and this quality of giving preference to others, putting ourselves in the shoes of the others for a moment becoming a teacher thinking to like if I was a student go on the other side. If you're a student, for one moment, put yourself in the shoes of the teacher, mother in law, daughter in law husband in the shoes of the wife, how do I want to be treated every relationship, put yourself on the other side, give preference to others take some sacrifice number three, so that was a second reason number three of
the three four, I'm just going to quickly inshallah conclude.
The third reason is actually a very important reason, which is not really a fault. But it's an it's it's not a fault of human beings, but it's natural.
To remember first two first two is the first one was incorrect intention. So we need to make correct intentions. I'm going to ask you then, with test number two. The second reason is we are selfish, selfish, and we have this selfish nature. We need to build and create ethos, the quality of selflessness, and sacrificing for the others and wanting others for others what we want for ourselves, too. Number three is not a bad quality, but it's like something we have been created with. Because human beings all human beings have been created differently. The way we all think the way we all understand things, the way we look at things the way we understand, think, reflect and
act and deal with things is different.
Every human being is created differently. You know, the way we look, any two people look exactly similar. Even twins don't look same. Really. Everyone Allah has physically made them different. Even our fingerprints. That's why they take fingerprints, even the lines, fingerprints, you take different my fingerprint is different from your fingerprint. Our brains are different. Everyone thinks differently. Everyone's temperament is different. Everyone's nature is different. When people are different than it's given, it's without doubt that people will do things which we won't do. We won't like people living in our family. My wife might do something that doesn't I don't feel right.
I don't like it. My husband might do something that I don't like my brother, my sister.
This is mentioned in the hadith of sunnah and Timothy, the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said a Muslim will let the U haul it on us. While yes
yes but Allah Allah Who Cairo middle Muslim Illa de la Johanna tunas, while is
the Hadith the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam is telling us in sound Hadith, that by living with others, it's natural that your feelings will be hurt. It's impossible to live with people and feelings not be hurt. That's not possible. Because you are different. Especially like I was saying earlier today that in marriage, it's a different gender men and women are completely different. Men think differently. Women think differently. Men are their temperament is different women temperament is different. psychologically, mentally, emotionally, men and women are different. Read the book, men from Mars, Women from Venus, different as a book, you know, men and women are different. Women
are emotional, they're more gentle, they're more fragile, you know, they they are sensitive and that's the beauty of a woman. A man is more you know, he
He likes to take control of the situation. He likes to take the lead. He's that's why the Quran made the husband, everyone reached out to our Munna Allah nisab. Emma fogal Allah who became the medium, the Emir of the household and has so there are different people. That's why one of the problems in marriage is men forget that they are married women and women forget that they've married men. Women think that their husband is just like another woman that you can talk to three hours and you know, cry about it and is going to listen, no, no, a woman will do that, but a man will not be able to do that. And a man thinks watch that my wife is like just my mate that I used to before being married
and as a bachelor until 2am hanging around and just you know, relax and this is a different species, not a different species different gender. This is this is a woman difference. First of all, you are two different human beings. But then even your genders are different. The way women do things are differently from men. So this difference has been mentioned in the Hadith numerous Hadith, that when you do live with people without a doubt, it's given that people will say things do things act in ways which will not please you, feelings will be hurt. So what is the solution? One solution is just going live in isolation don't get married don't have family, nothing go in the cave. And the
mountain just going to one island next to tree that I don't know if the nobody lives in the middle. Yes, live there in the under the in the forest. No one nobody hurts my feelings. And I'm not bad to anybody. Well, the trees are there. Good luck, you know, be nice to the trees.
You can do that. That's one solution. The hadith of pseudo entailment is saying that the real solution if you're living with people is Saba patients that's about that's why the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said a Muslim who lives with people mixes in intermingles interacts. And because of living with people, your feelings are hurt. And you do sabar, you have patients, that believer that Muslim man or woman is better than that one who goes in an island and remote place and doesn't live with anyone. Therefore nobody's to hurt their feelings and they don't have to do something. It's take the challenge live with people. That's what the hadith is saying. Saba is the
only solution and one of the greatest acts of a bird one of the greatest qualities. One of the greatest things in Islam is sublime. That's why the Hadith, the Quranic idea, there's rewards given you know, if you pray this, you get this reward if you do this, you get this reward for this EBA that this reward about subpar, the Quran says in your facade Runa Adjara whom behavior Hassan the ones who do somebody there ADGER is without any limit, Allah says I can't even put a limit like I can't even tell you how much reward there is. Because it's one of the most difficult things to do. Anger when someone has anger rage, some husbands and men have like extreme anger. Saba controlling,
having exercising somewhere and patient. It's it's a real good quality we need to work at this. May Allah grant us the suburb patients because if you react if someone does something and our feelings are hurt, we retaliate. We argue we fight back they argue we fight it just carries on and on and on. Do you want to live like that of misery of arguing? The other is just for the sake of Allah just take it in from one ear and out from the same year.
Okay, it's no, it's just a it's okay. No problem. It's just a human being hasn't really been what's happening. It's nothing happened to me. Someone said something. Who cares? Life is too short. Life is too short or problems seriously, if we become tried to make that attitude, you know, if don't become too sensitive, and all sisters are a bit more sensitive than men, but just try your best. When people do say things.
Try not to be too sensitive. Someone did something. That's it now for one week, we're depressed. Why did they use that word? Why would they thinking about me? What they're saying? Well, why? You know, who cares? The Senate What if someone says something bad about you? It doesn't make us bad. In and if we're not good and someone praises us. All the praise of the world will not make us good If Allah doesn't think we're good, and all the
slander in the world will not make us bad if Allah thinks we're good. It's between us and Allah. That's the real relationship that matters. You know, the day we make this habit in our life that we don't worry about what others think about us. And seriously, I'm telling you this, this is a really important point. I've myself, I've been trying working on this for many, many, many years. And honestly, I've seen a massive difference in my life for about 10 years now.
Live in a way that what people say think just does not matter. Who cares. I just don't someone's comes and say someone Oh, they really really praised you. No big deal. What it's written, it's gone in the air. They praise you Mashallah. You're amazing. You're amazing. It's like what I recorded and keep on listening. You're amazing. You're amazing. You're amazing. Take the pleasure. You know, you're amazing. If somebody said You're good, you're good. It's gone. It's gone in the air wind waves is there
In the clouds world, imagine you go in the grave. Everyone praises you. And then the angels come and start beating you. Look, those guys said you amazing is that how amazing there's actually a hadith? I can't recall the reference. I heard it from somebody, but I need to check the reference of this hadith. But I heard it from a very reliable scholar. He mentioned in one of his talks that actually there's a hadith where when a person a chief of a community, everyone used to praise him, he goes into the grave May Allah protects us and people as soon as they bury him, they say mashallah, this was a very generous man, he was achieved. He was a Chaudhry, he was there, mashallah, people are
talking and angels are beating him when they say, look, he was a very good guy that give him one more, are you that good person? And they say, oh, mashallah, the guy who's spent so much money and generous, beat him again. It's a hadith, Allah protects us. So what people think, doesn't matter. Just make that in life. So that was the third point quickly, four and five or four, just one last point. So sabar, because we are all different. And lastly, one very important point or reason for famine, family disputes, and the solution.
That Well, there's many, but this is one of them. Well, I mentioned this fourth one, five, just quickly. One of the reasons is tongue people the way they use the tongue. It's very important Islam places a lot of emphasis to control the tongue, the cause of family problems and marital disputes is the unrestricted usage of the tongue. We open our tongue how we want whenever we want the libre backbiting, tail bearing swearing slandering, in any way shape or form. The Quran says every word that comes out that we take off from my mouth. My yellow voodoo mean only in Isla de here are people I did read been recorded will have to justify this word, this letter, the statement in the code of
Allah subhanaw taala. The tone we use, if we shout out our wife, if a husband is shouting, Allah will ask us Why did you shout at your wife? Does she deserve to be shouted? were swearing slandering, nagging other husband cursing the husband? Every letter Allah will question the sins of the tongue, I can do a two hour talk on just Sins of the tongue, each one of them we go through it's a major area of Islam, preserving and protecting the tongue. It's one of the most important obligations. I will end with this, that some of the earliest scholars like Mr. Musharraf era hula hula, he used to, you know, when people used to come to talk to him, he used to look down for a few
moments. And then he used to contemplate and then give an answer. Somebody asked him though, oh, Imam, why do you do that? When some people come and talk to you? Why do you look down for a few seconds for half a minute, one minute? And then you reply, he said, had it for under hydrophilic. Color me off is so good. What I do is I think to myself, whether it's better to talk, or it's better to remain quiet. And if I talk, what should I talk? What should I say? What letter should I use? What words should come out from my mouth? What tone should I use? How will I not hurt the feelings of the other person? Everything I think meditate? And then I speak. That's why they say the
intellect into intelligent person is who thinks then speaks the foolish one who speaks and then thinks, Oh, should I have said this? Oh, no. What now? You know, that's the foolish person. So controlling of the 10. Last point. Number five. One of the main reasons a family dispute is money issues, money issues, money matters. Money Matters and money matters. Money matters. And money matters. One of the biggest problems, Islam places a lot of emphasis on money matters. One of the biggest aspects of Money Matters is Islam says clarify your transactions.
Clarify, ownership, clarify, everything should be clear. The way you deal should be clear. Everything should be written recorded. Even if it's a family business. The father has a business, the son studies and comes back joins in the business. What capacity is he joining this business? Nobody asks. Nobody asks nobody says nobody clarifies if someone says what's the what's the story here? Is a family family. You don't mean family? You don't talk about these things. Okay, no problem. Family family. Then the second son comes people in the same family is he working is employed is a bit shaky. Does he have a share in the business? Is he just freely voluntarily helping
the father nothing's clarify. The second one comes someone gets married, somebody takes more money out of the business that first one takes less money, the third one gets married. And then what happens? 30 years afterwards, I have had hundreds of cases to the point that people are ready to kill one another brothers are ready to kill one another because nothing was clarified when they were young. The father has passed away. Inheritance issues. People fight brothers and sisters don't talk. People don't talk for years because of inheritance issues. Nothing is clear. Islam says clarify everything. If you have you've built a house together, who's paid how much? Who's got what share?
You have a family business each side
When is he a partner in the business? What share percentage? The father has 50%? Okay. 20% one son 20% the other son, whatever clarify, is he? Does he have a share in the business? Or is he helping voluntarily free? Or does he have is he employed? What if he's employed whare his wages, fixed his monthly salary. And then if he takes out write it down, this is the salary or money you've taken from the business, you're taking a loan, you're gonna pay this back because it's not only you, you have another brother, you have another brother, you have a sister, all monetary transactions. There's a saying it's not a hadith some people have quoted it as a hadith. But as far as I know,
it's not a hadith. It's a saying of one of the sahaba. It's, it's like a very famous statement, and it's apparently the principal, the ASHA Rugal, the one with the Amanu.
Colored Journal, the ASHA rucola. One, live like brothers and sisters, transact like strangers. Live like brothers and sisters, transact like strangers. Even if your brother is taking $10 from you write it down. My brother has taken this he said he will pay for this sign it the Quran says write it down everything clear. The day if you die, people no everything's written who owes you how much and how much you owe others. This will really solve because solve problems because monetary issues money issues, causes a lot of problems in life. And many, many disputes take place because of money issues. So these were just few random five points in sha Allah. May Allah grant us at OCF in sha
Allah, just sorry, I don't know how much time I went above but it's Sharla beneficials