Dealing with Family Problems

Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

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© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Salam Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh May the peace and blessings be upon all of you of Allah subhanho wa Taala

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Bismillah R Rahman Rahim in the name of Allah The most Gracious, the Most Merciful Alhamdulillah wa Salatu was Salam ala Rasulillah who Allah Allah, he was hardage mine.

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All praise is due to Allah subhanho wa Taala blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his household, his companions, may Allah bless them and every one of us, I mean,

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my brothers, my sisters, dealing with family problems, if you have a mindset from the very beginning of navigating through issues that will occur within your family units, then you would be able to deal with them in a better way. But if from the very beginning, you're not empowered, regarding some of what has come in the Quran to begin with, and then in the Sunnah of the Prophet, Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you won't be able to deal with these things when they come, and you won't see the signs of warning that are coming in your direction. So let's spend a little bit of time today, looking at how to deal with family problems. I want to start off by going right to the

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beginning, when you were born, they were two things, parents and children. In most cases, in some cases, parents have passed on, sometimes the mother has passed away at childbirth, the child survives. And those are cases that are not as common as the normal children, parent relationships.

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But primarily it's a gift of Allah. And at the same time, it's a test. It's a gift of Allah for you to have had those who looked after you when you were little gift of Allah. They changed your nappies, they gave you a name, they they gave you an identity in that sense, in the sense that they gave you a name. They called you something, they took care of you they played with you in most cases, you know that time of childhood is so important for us to empower the children and say good words to them, speak to them, educate them, teach them about Allah and how to get to Allah because primarily, the first thing you have to do as parents is while looking after your children, you need

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to teach them about the deen and the dunya. Meaning the religion as well as the worldly life out there. They need to know their makeup, and they need to know how to live on Earth. So that is a test of Allah. It's a responsibility that's placed on our shoulders, those who are parents, may Allah bless those who don't have children with children. I mean, so the blessing is that the kids have children. Sorry, the kids have parents who can look after them. And the parents have children who they can play with, or they call my child, although you need to know the child belongs to Allah. Allah has just loaned you the child for a period of time. That's the gift of Allah Subhana Allah

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test as well. Like I said, I hope you've understood the difference between the two, you know, how you address the child is definitely a test. You swear your child, you will pay a price in the eyes of Allah, you must empower the child with loving words, encouraging words, did you know that when you tell your child, you are stupid, you're ugly, you're a failure, you keep on repeating that they begin to believe that. And the opposite is true. When you tell them you're beautiful, you're successful, you can do it, you're amazing. And I love you so much, they begin to believe that and they're empowered and more confident. Check it out, you can see it. So my brothers, my sisters,

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something amazing is that a child is more like an empty vessel at the beginning and you fill that vessel with a lot of things. Let them be good things, the way you speak, the way you interact, the way you care for the child. All has an impact in building the family unit to begin with. You didn't have time for your child, you never were there for the child listening to the issues, the problems communicating developing a friendship as well as a relationship with your own children, you would never be able to guarantee their beautiful upbringing. You need to make good decisions regarding these children. But still, when you've made brilliant decisions, you've brought them up you've

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spoken you've been very fair, you know, in the case of divorce, and in the case of where someone has passed away. A lot of the times there is a battle there is push and shove. People want to take the kids and prove a point without looking at what is best for the children. They want to be arrogant by trying to prove a point to the other spouse that I'm going to fix you perhaps you're not going to see these

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Kids will law he those kids grow up with the parental deficit that plays out later on in their lives in different ways. Don't do that. It's your test, you destroy the fabric of the family unit completely,

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in a very bad way, because divorce is permissible. But the games that we play thereafter are haram. May Allah help us we should not play games with the lives of the children, not at all. And vice versa, whatever the rights are, we fulfill in the most beautiful way, we should help and encourage the child to visit that child's other parents. You don't need to say nasty things. When you have a problem in the family and you've broken up completely. And you've divorced totally. You don't need to involve your children in it in a way that you start telling them about negative things about their own parent. How do you think they will grow up, no matter what happened, say a few positive

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things, encourage them to have a relationship unless they would total abuses.

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And unless it is really and truly feared that these children will suffer a consequence of developing a relationship with that person because of the criminal behavior of the person, then it's an exception. May Allah grant us goodness now, even if you've given your child the best of upbringings.

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One thing you need to know is things could go wrong later on.

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How? Because shaitan and external factors give you the example of the first family problem that we know about from Allah subhanho wa Taala as he mentioned in the Quran, is the story of Habib and carbene. The children of Adam and Hawa may peace and blessings be upon them

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have been in the English language known as Abel and kabhi known as Cain. They were brothers they became jealous one became jealous of the other because Allah favored one a little bit more than the other.

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What was that favorite? Well, a few things are mentioned to mention one Allah says in the Quran.

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If God robber Kuru burn

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fat to convenor mean, hiding him while I'm muta, Ben Meenal. Her call a call to learn,

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like when they both sacrificed for Allah and one was accepted and the other was not accepted the one whose sacrifice was not accepted, pointed at the other and said, I'm going to kill you.

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What does that mean? Adam Alayhis Salam didn't bring them up? Well, no, he brought them up very well, but it means shaped been tampered with the mind. External factors came into play, and this child became jealous of the other jealousy is dangerous the prophets are Salam says it will eat up your good deeds in the same way that fire consumes dry log in Alaska Daya. Kulu has an ad Kamata Akula, narrow hottub Be careful. Don't allow your heart to be overtaken by jealousy. Allah is the Giver Allah distributes. He'll give some more wealth than others. He'll give some a better homes than others. He'll elevate some in knowledge more than others. He'll give some more power than

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others. He'll give some something greater than others. Don't be jealous. It's that it's the choice of Allah.

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Naka some buy in a home my Isha home fill it dunya what a foreigner Baba home folk about Allah says we are the ones who have distributed their livelihoods for them in this world. And we raised some above the others. So may Allah subhana Horta, Allah protect us as believers so that we learn a lesson, they became jealous of one another one promised to kill the other. This shows that extreme jealousy might lead brothers to hurt each other.

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Well, in this case, the one says, Look, if you're going to harm me, I'm not going to harm you. I fear Allah. So imagine the mindset, this brother is saying, I'm going to harm you. The other ones mindset is such that no, no, no, no, you are my brother, you are my brother, I love you. Even if you want to harm me, I'm not going to harm you. In fact, the verse continues to say, if you're stretching your hand to harm me, I'm not going to stretch my hand to harm you because I fear Allah, Lord of the Worlds now,

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which mindset is more correct? The one who is prepared to overlook the one who's prepared to make peace, or the one who wants to go to war? Obviously the one who's prepared to make peace. And what was the matter all about whose fault was it? It was not April's fault. It was Kane's fault. He is the one who threatened and guess what he executed the threat. He killed his brother. He regretted it thereafter. So regret comes with

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When there is unchecked jealousy against someone, and here we're talking of family members.

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If you don't deal with this problem quickly, and you don't resolve the matter and talk and think and related to Allah and the teachings of the messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, you are going to regret for us Bahaman the mean he became from among those who regretted, and in reverse middle class, even from the losers.

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He lost and he regretted too late, too late. His life changed thereafter, he was now a criminal, he had to lead a different type of a life after that. And those details we won't go into right now. But we pay sometimes when we have unchecked hatred. Now, how does hatred come about? In family members I've already made mention of wealth, and perhaps innovation of status, knowledge looks sometimes a better spouse, better children a better home, a better this and that. It's okay, Allah gives each one a package. It's a test from Allah. Not everyone who has a better home is actually a better person. Not everyone who has more authority is actually higher in status in the eyes of Allah.

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Sometimes the one who has no authority whatsoever is the highest in status, maybe in the eyes of Allah because of their worship and their closeness to Allah in relation in our karma come in the law, he come closest to Allah in honor of those who are the best in relationship with Allah. Amazing. So these problems need a mindset to be able to assist in navigating through them. It is not that you won't have problems, you will all face family problems at some point, difficulty, hardship, misunderstanding, you know what, you have to have a big heart, you have to overlook, you have to be like, able and not like Cain to say, You know what, let's not fight, it's okay. You know, in this

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particular case, it wasn't something he could give his brother because it was from Allah. But he tried, didn't he who was the winner, he was the one who was martyred was the winner.

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Let me give you another example of a family problem mentioned in the Quran as well.

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And it's all to do with a mindset, again, jealousy, the brothers of the Prophet use of Joseph May peace be upon him. They became jealous of him when he was little, just because the father, they thought was closer to the brother than them. So they started saying, well, let's kill him. Again, killing all the way up to killing children of a prophet wanting to kill each other, or wanting to kill one of them out of jealousy of a relationship between the child and the father. This teaches us a lot.

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In order to avoid family problems, we must be fair with our children, boys and girls, we must be fair, we must empower them with good words. Do you know if you keep telling your child negative words, they begin to believe those negative words. In fact, it happens with everyone. If someone keeps telling you, you're stupid, you're a failure, you're thick, you're ugly, you're fat, you, you begin at some point to believe these things. Be careful. Don't ruin the minds of people, especially your children, and even the children of others. You're a school teacher, or you're a parent or whoever you may be, say good words, don't say you're a bat, and you're others. Those are dangerous

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terminologies that are written against your name payable in this world, as well as in the hereafter. Repent from those, say good words. You're lovely, you're beautiful, you can do it, you will be able to do it.

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Subhanallah

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those are empowering words, they begin to believe I can do it, I will do it and beautiful. And this, the confidence levels are developed.

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They will be able to resolve not just family problems, but problems of the OMA the community and the nation and the globe.

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Because you as a parent or an adult, empower them to believe in themselves by the help of Allah.

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And that's why look at the Prophet sallallahu ALA. He used to address the children with respect, honor them, give them the the empowering words that helped make them beautiful Sahaba. Over time, they became companions of note. The little ones at that time, Abdullah Habemus odo the Allah Juan Omar, Abdullah had a bus or the Allahu and Homer. Those were little children. And you know what? They were empowered because of the way the Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu Sallam spoke to them. Coming back to the family unit that speak to each other with respect. Don't allow your wealth to come in the way

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Have your brothers and sisters, the siblings, don't let you the wealth break your relationship. Someone has more, someone has less, it's okay. It's okay. They don't owe it to you and you shouldn't be jealous of them, but help each other.

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Allah speaks about helping family before anyone else were RT, the Uber hacker who will Myskina homeless a bit before going to the miskeen. And the poor person and the wayfarer. Allah starts off by relatives, give your relatives that do when you have wealth, and you witness your siblings not doing too well. Help them give them Allah will give you empower them in a good way. And don't let your women or your spouses come in the way of that relationship. What that means is, sometimes you have a spouse and both ways it could be the women or the men.

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They say it happens more with the women, they become jealous of what you have done for your brothers and sisters, when she's not a member of the immediate family. She came in and was introduced later. But it happens. It can happen. Like I say it's not only women, but they say it's more so whatever it might be. It's a lesson that we need to learn. Don't get emotional about what we're saying. It's a fact it's just a lesson. Don't allow a spouse of yours to come in and break relationship with the rest of your family. It's not good enough. Yes, unless there is something toxic that has happened. There was a rape, there was abuse. There was for example, a great crime that was committed against

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someone there was some form of negativity there was unacceptable. In that case, you may want to withdraw a little bit, depending on what exactly it is. family units are given so much of importance by Allah that Allah says, even if they're not Muslim, you must fulfill their rights bill mouth in the best possible way that is acceptable, fulfill their rights.

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And Allah Almighty will open your doors. So we must have this mindset. If Allah saying that be kind to your parents. And if they're not Muslim and asking you to do something wrong, then you excuse yourself from that, but still be good to them. Although they're not Muslim. Imagine how much of importance Allah gives this family unit have that mindset. In many countries, so many people who are reverts to Islam, so many people whose parents might be sinful in their own way. It doesn't mean you don't fulfill their rights, but you don't follow the sin and you don't obey a wrong instruction Subhanallah so, don't allow your wealth to divide you because sometimes people have money and they

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become haughty. Sometimes people become jealous of each other like I said, and you need to train yourself not to be jealous. When you're jealous. The hadith says it eats away at your good deeds just like fire eats away at a dry log. I tell you why. Because you are questioning Allah's distribution. No person buying a home, my asiata home, Phil hayati Dunia, we have distributed this sustenance between them in the world, you have a problem with it, do you have a problem with it? Allah says I gave that one a million I gave this 110 Only I gave that one a billion and I gave this one 1000 Only that's up to Allah. Work hard. Enjoy what you have, thank Allah, continue in this

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world. And Allah will grant you don't be jealous of each other. Don't break a family work hard to build a family unit. So like I said, You need to have a big heart to be able to get along with the extended family, you need to be able to

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sacrifice in order to be able to get along with the extended family. And there are a lot of benefits of the sacrifice that is made in order to try your best to be together. A lot of benefit actually, you see later, especially in your children. They grow up they have cousins they have this they have relatives, they have family members, they have grandpa grandma on either side, in most cases, in many cases, actually.

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You're fortunate. You know, those who've grown up in an extended family want to detach, and those who've been detached and when alone want to join an extended family. How ironic look at man, he's never happy. You have a person living alone all their lives. They say, I wish I had a family and you have someone who's had a family I wish it was all on my own. Man, what do you want make up your mind? Either way, but Allah says when you're together, it's better for you so much. So that community also Allah tells us through the blessed lips of Muhammad Sallallahu sallam, the one who mixes with people and bears patients upon their negativity is better than the one who doesn't mix

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with them and doesn't have to bear any patients upon their negativity.

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That doesn't mean that you're not allowed to withdraw when it's toxic, you can withdraw. When it's harming your mental well being, you can withdraw, you can. And also it is your right.

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When you get married, for example, it's the right of your spouse, or the right of your wife, or you as a nuclear new family, to have a separate quarters without interference of the family members. When you live a little bit separately, you will be able to fulfill each other's rights in a better way. People say, Well, you know what I need to look after my mom and dad. So I'm going to be living right here on my own. I can't comment on that for everyone with one comment, because it depends on you, where you live your circumstances, the type of community you're in which society and so on. But as time is progressing, the rule of Islam and the law that has been laid to say that a woman is

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entitled her, her separate quarters, not necessarily far away, but a separate quarters.

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That is understood because

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I have found over time, in this day and age that when you're a slight distance, there is greater love, I can serve my parents better from living half a minute away, a minute away, or next door or somewhere very near, I can serve them better. You know, I can perhaps serve them meals, I can help them, I can clean up for them a lot of other things. Sometimes when I'm living right in their faces, there is no appreciation. And this is why I say if you want to live together, you have to have a big heart, you have to appreciate each other. You have to acknowledge don't make life difficult, don't be demanding. And don't be unfair. Unfair means when you delegate all of the work to one person, and

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you think that person is a slave of the home, there will be a war, there will be a disaster have a mindset of being fair. You do the work, I will do the work, we will share the work we make sure it's fair and we rotate it so that everyone knows we will do this, Mashallah. We want to live in a big family unit. Well, everyone has to pick up. And everyone has to

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work hard. Everyone has to share the chores, you can't have one person doing everything for everyone all the time. And just because he or she happens to be a son in law or a daughter in law or whatever it may be. And they are conscripted to do this everyday. No, they will get fed up. It's torture, it is torture, I promise you. So share the work, make sure that it's done properly, and you will be able to live correctly. You know, the Quran gives a lot of importance to being fair and just even when it's not family. Imagine the same Quran is telling you when your father is wrong. When your mother is wrong, your parents are wrong. You must make sure you stood firm for justice against them.

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Many people don't like that. It's it's an injunction. It's in the Quran. Someone says Well, that's my mother. That's my father. I can't say anything. Allah says Willow, Anna and fusuma will validate anyone accountable. You stand up firm for what is right. Whether it is against yourself, your parents, or your relatives stand up for what's right for what's just. So sometimes, the family unit is broken simply because the mindset is such that I can't say anything to my parents. Those are my parents. Part of the respect of the parents people wrongly think is to cheer them on when they are wrong. Your parents are human beings, lovely people, insha Allah but they need to be corrected at

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times someone needs to do it. You cannot just think that out of respect of my parents, I'm going to just keep quiet. You can't say that they were wrong. Allama will Maru if you are not here and in Moncure to encourage that which is right into stop that which is bad starts at home with your own family members, your children, your spouse's, your parents, your relatives, your uncles and aunts. When Allah sent Mohammed Salah Salem, he was sent in order to remind Quraysh to begin with and his family members to start with one Vera Shirataki Allah clubbin Allah says warn first your family members those who are close to you.

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So remember that there are so many family problems that we do have you know,

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we need to navigate through them financial problems that people are facing today are such that because of COVID and because of many other things, people have lost jobs and so much more. It's helped each other like I said earlier, but

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let's not be extravagant have a mindset of contentment with a little save for a rainy day. You must budget you must downgrade your life if needed. don't overspend have a saving, have a little investment that would be over and above your income

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and inshallah things

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will improve.

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You need to thank Allah and obey Allah.

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When you have thanked Allah Almighty and when you have

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obeyed Allah Almighty He grants you Baraka in your sustenance, may Allah forgive us seek a lot of forgiveness, because that will bring about goodness in your wealth.

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May Allah forgive all of us, we are sinful human beings, but we try. And we will seek the forgiveness of Allah and he still gives us the baraka and we're thankful for that. You show gratitude through prayer, you show gratitude through obedience, you show gratitude to through saying, Oh Allah, I'm grateful for what you've done for me.

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Subhanallah

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you know, people have health problems, we have COVID At the moment, we need to help each other. We need to be responsible, sometimes and I know of families where there was a dispute as to who gave who the COVID know, we should take precautions and once the thing comes in, stop playing the blame game that's okay. It's from Allah. It has happened. Prior to it happening, make sure that you've taken your precautions, you've done your best you talk about it, and be considerate of others. Be considerate of other family members. You know, sometimes when I travel with a group of people, I always tell myself, when you're traveling with a group, you need to be very, very patient because

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you need to wait for the slowest coach, which means the last person and you need to make sure everyone is conscious of the other don't waste too much of time. Try and consider everyone else Imagine if we are all considering each other will have a beautiful holiday or a beautiful trip. But I've been on trips where you've got to wait for that one person who is irritating everybody else someone like me, develops the courage to go to the museum, my uncle however you hope everything is fine. You know, if you speed up a little bit, inshallah it will help everybody else. That brings me to another point. There is a way of talking to people. You don't just blabber what you want. There

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is a way of speaking to people. So your family members also don't scream don't yell don't swear. Don't shout Don't abuse. Allah He that's how it should be. See the difference it will make in your lives. Stop all of that even if you've been doing it for years. Stop it. Allah will grant you the blessings that you need your family unit, have a mindset of the obedience of Allah. Have a mindset of saying clean cut beautiful words. Kulu Colin sadita That verse was read in most cases when the Nika was officiated when the marriage was officiated, how can we stop speaking studied? How can we stop speaking those straight words, beautiful kind words filled with love, and goodness, we stopped

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it. And the reason why we stopped it is because we're no more conscious of what Allah has revealed. So we have family problems, and we have so many other issues. Don't allow that to come in.

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Speak good words.

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Choose your words when you are talking to one another. So my brothers and sisters, in this way, we would be able to resolve matters. Sit and talk, try again, give and take. People say I want to break this, don't just break things First, try and mend it. Because you might get into another situation that's worse than this one. Life is not easy out there. Marriages are built on great sacrifice, great sacrifice. And you have your children try your best to maintain that relationship. Because one of the biggest gifts you can get a you can give your children is to be able to get on with the other parent of the same children, as best as you can. Yes, there are exceptions, you are allowed to break

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a marriage when it becomes toxic, and it's affecting your mental well being and at a certain point, but not just for every small thing like what's happening nowadays. In fact, you need to choose a spouse that will be good. Sometimes families are broken because of the choice of a spouse.

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And for this, we need to give advice to both sides, the parents as well to say try and be a little bit more accommodating, be guiding from the very beginning, not just coming into the lives of your children last minute and trying to dictate the pace where were you all along.

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And on the other side, the children, when you're choosing a spouse, make sure it's a person who your parents will be proud of make sure it's a person who can be the best parent, the other parent to your children.

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The choice of a spouse shapes your future to a great degree by the will of Allah that your choice of a spouse will make you or break you factor.

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In most cases, I mean that's through Allah's permission. So my brothers and sisters, I really ask Allah Almighty to grant us the ability to have the correct minds.

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Sit when it comes to the family unit so that we can solve family problems, and we get together, we should not tell the whole world about our problems, they should be within us, we should try and resolve them amongst us. And you don't have to talk about them to everyone else, have a big heart, give and take, it's okay. I'd love to say, I'm sorry, when I'm not wrong. I'd love to say it's okay, here's the money when I know I don't owe it. And it's okay. It's my family. So what I'd love to say, let me be the first one to help when I know there are others perhaps who might be more able than I am to assist. But it's okay. That's what family is all about. Charity definitely begins at home.

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Allah speaks about those who fulfill the rights of their family members, and says those are the successful, and then Allah speaks of those who cut relations without reason. And says those are the failures.

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Those are the ones who are being warned of a punishment, because you cut something Allah asked you not to cut. Allah says don't cut relations. If you're not supposed to cut contact with a fellow believer for more than three days. What about your family members, obviously, without reason if there is valid reason, it's okay, you can withdraw.

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And also, one last point I want to raise before I end this, sometimes we have functions like IID, and happy days and so on family functions.

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It is not absolutely necessary that everyone attends but we should all try and attend. So if someone couldn't make it for some reason, two, three guys couldn't make no problem they couldn't make it is okay, oh, we missed you. That's all. You don't have to make such a big deal about it.

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But at the same time, everyone should be making an effort to try and attend. It's good for your children. They grow up knowing their cousins and everyone else they got grew up knowing the extended families. In fact, interest sometimes develops among some of them, and you find one has suddenly found an interest in another they want to get married, it's within the extended family unit. That's a blessing marriage. It's more blessing to have something closer to your understanding in marriage than to have someone far off in every single way. I mean, you're going to come together, you're going to be dealing with so much because there is a dramatic change in the lives of everyone. You

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don't even speak each other's languages. And your mindset is completely different. Although Islam brings everyone closer. May Allah Almighty help us all and grant us goodness. And may Allah Almighty forgive our shortcomings. These are a few words I thought of sharing with you on this beautiful occasion. And I pray that next time we're speaking, it will be more of a physical tour of lectures and something that we were accustomed to prior to the COVID and may Allah eradicate this disease for all of us uku locally hada was salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.