Courtship and Marriage

Mufti Menk

Channel: Mufti Menk

Topics: Marriage

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Peace and Unity Convention

Episode Transcript

© No part of this transcript may be copied or referenced or transmitted in any way whatsoever. Transcripts are auto-generated and thus will be be inaccurate. We are working on a system to allow volunteers to edit transcripts in a controlled system.


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Amina shavon your gene is Mila.

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What

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in

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the

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world?

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Are we?

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de la isla

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de wash?

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uses

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hamdulillah salat wa salam ala rasulillah

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All praises indeed you to Allah subhanho wa Taala blessings and salutations upon Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, his household, his companions, we ask Allah to bless them and to bless every one of us, and to grant us every form of goodness, I mean,

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my brothers and sisters in Islam, at a certain stage in our lives, we all feel, and I'm talking of early on, we all feel the urge to be married, or to have a partner, a spouse. Islam teaches us that this is highly encouraged, we should be encouraging our children to look at certain qualities for those whom they would like to be their spouses. The unfortunate part is many of us do not speak to our children, and we expect them to know themselves that this is what you should be doing. Instead, we are taught to communicate with them in such a beautiful way, whether you're a father or a mother, sometimes the father leans into the mother and vice versa. No, it is the responsibility of both the

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father and the mother to ensure that you have communicated with your child as the child grows up or grows up. Now the question might arise at what age should I speak to my child? Well, I would like to think at the age of 10 and 11 and 12 especially nowadays, there is no fixed age you need to have such a relationship with your child that you can speak about in a joking way. Charla you will be getting married one day, you know, I have a son, he's not here with us right now. So I can say this inshallah, if something's good, 10 years old, 11 years old, and I always tell him inshallah, you will be getting married soon. And he says, No, not at all. No way. It's easy. So it's the opening of

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a discussion. And then as they grow a little bit older, you start saying, you need to look for someone or you need to be able to have someone who can

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Be the best mother to your children. You need to be able to have someone who would be the best father, to your children. And you need to know Don't be impressed solely by looks, or by something materialistic that people flash from now, from time to time, you find people flash things sometimes, yes, it's dazzling, it might attract you. Sometimes the person who may have a lot in terms of materialistic wealth may be a very good person. So that person is chosen not based on their wealth, but based on their goodness. And what could also be possible is those who may have a lot might not be good. In some cases, sometimes you have a person who does not have much in terms of materialistic

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living, but they may be so arrogant or very bad in terms of culture, or in terms of character, that somehow you may want to stay away from them. So there is no rule to say the rich are bad and the poor are good, because you find some who are poor, who may not, for example, make the mark, may Allah subhanho wa Taala make us from those who understand. In a nutshell, the mistake we've been making in recent past is we don't discuss this we wait, the child goes into high school nowadays, at the end of primary school already, a lot of the children are very, very aware, very aware of the opposite sex. In fact, the relationships begin sometimes, as you know, earlier and earlier in the

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life of the children, they're exposed nowadays, to so much of the opposite sex from a very early age, sometimes in a way that we would feel they still needed a little bit more time before they were exposed to this, unfortunately, the world is progressing. You find adverts sometimes of a mere drink, or a piece of clothing whereby they show a woman may Allah protect all of us almost naked. And this woman is supposed to be, for example, displayed in the presence of our children. That wasn't the case a long time back. And when I say a long time back, I'm only talking of about 15 to 20 years ago, it's becoming worse as time passes. And if we don't take this into consideration, by a

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young age already 10 1112 people want to experiment they want to try, they want to see they want to have their girlfriends and boyfriends from a very early age. And not just that they fancy someone, but they take the relationship to another level that would be unacceptable according to our values, according to our morals, according to the ethics of Islam and of our African tradition and culture. May Allah subhanahu wa taala, grant us protections. So we need to address the matter. Like I said, From a very early age, he starts talking about him, befriend your children, and remember, you are never ever going to force your child to marry whom you wish, because it's not you getting married. I

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want to repeat that again, because many of our fathers seated here today may be guilty. Many of our mothers may be guilty. You want to choose your the spouse of your child, hang on Dad, you chose your own spouse, you had to sleep with him,

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whom I'm going to speak with, I shall choose you can guide me Yes, you can guide me Yes, I expect your guidance and I want it but you cannot impose your choice on me, please, it is not permissible. Actually, according to the majority of the scholars, it's not allowed. It's not you cannot force whom you want on a child who does not want that particular person.

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If you do that, you need to seek the forgiveness of Allah. You need to ask Allah for forgiveness, because you would have contributed to the destruction of the woman. I have so many cases on a daily basis of people, especially from our countries, that say or who say I was supposed to marry, whether it was a relative, whether it was someone else, whether it was a friend of my father's, maybe the son of a friend, etc, I was forced and there is no liking, there is no loving, there is nothing we can do. We cannot even be intimate we are not even able to communicate with one another. So who caused this situation? It is the Father. It is the mother, those who forced that particular child.

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May Allah forgive us. This is why we speak about how this is to be done in an Islamic way. While we are talking about it, we have to also express what is not to be done. And one of the most important things is don't force your children you should have a communication with them that if they like someone look my brothers and sisters, let's let's face facts, the world is changing.

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your children, your girls go to schools and universities and you come across men.

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The men go to school University work, they come across women. It's not like they've done something haram to come back home and tell you that there was a man that is at work. He's such a great man in character. He has good conduct, he fulfills his Salah, he speaks respectfully to everyone. And you know what? I think that you should find out who he is. I have an interest in marrying him. I think a lot of our cultural fathers would say, or using or using, or executive You see, am I right or wrong? Well, logins effect, but this is your child, it's an Amana from Allah, she has come to you with what was in her heart. If she doesn't, then why are you in that place of fatherhood? For what you can

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guide her say, look, dad, and my brothers and sisters, I have done it myself. I'm talking about my own children. You have to say okay, who is this? Let me find out. Let me communicate. Let me talk and voila, he you have to say Allah and His Messenger sallallahu alayhi wa sallam whom we follow have taught us is that a documented Bona DEA number one Luca who has a veto who if someone comes to you, whose level of Deen is okay and acceptable, whose level of effort and character is acceptable, which means they are responsible people, then let the marriage happen. If you don't let it happen, they will be fitna there will be chaos, there will be corruption and huge problems in your life and

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on earth.

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And I've seen people who refuse without reasons. Father, you have refused this marriage? What is your reasons? No, it can't happen. These are bad people, they come from another tribe. Do you know all of us have a problem? All of us have a problem. We all feel and I'm sure you will all agree. Almost all of you will agree. We all feel somehow that our tribe is better than the other tribe, we find one fault. In another fact these people watch out their minds. These people watch out they are should these people Be careful, they are wild. These people be careful. They are very timid. These people Be careful, they are like this. That's what we all think our tribe is the best. That is haram

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in Islam, that is from sharing fun. It's not a tribe that makes you good or bad. Subhana Allah, it's you as an individual, you will come in front of Allah subhanho wa Taala your own self, I was not going to ask you on the Day of Judgment, which tribe were you from? So then you say your tribe? And then he tells you about going to the left side? Is that something that we've heard? Never, never, we are going to be judged according to our own deeds, according to ourselves, sometimes you have a rose that comes out of a thorn bush, don't you see that?

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So you might have a family you know, before when we were young, my brothers and sisters, we used to hear stories, some of you my age, a little bit older, you may relate to this. People say, you know what, get married in that family. It's a very good family. Nowadays, I say Hang on, hang on, hang on. You could have the best family, but the individual could be rotten, Allahu Akbar, Allah forgive us. It's no longer where you can look at the family and say they are good people get them married, no find out about the individual. The same applies. People might say bad family, because they have done this, they have been convicted of that and this has happened and that has happened though, they

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could be a man or a woman in there, who is better than all of you put together it can happen. So find out from an individual level, who the person is, take an interest, find out more and if the person happens to be good one law he you will achieve the blessings of Allah, you will achieve gentle fair dose, you will achieve goodness and happiness bliss in the dunya. And the AF era to allow that marriage to happen is the person was good no matter where the proposal came from. People say the proposal should come from one side or this side. In particular, no, it can come from either side. And these examples are in the hadith of Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. One example of

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Khadija

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she is the one who showed an interest in Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and the proposal was put forward, guess what it was accepted by Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. And later on that has happened so many times and vice versa. A lot of the times the men would propose to the women should handle so there is nothing in Islam to say that only one side must ask for the other. No male can ask for female, the female side can ask for the male. It does not reduce your value or respect. In some cultures, they say how can a woman ask for a man it's going to reduce the respects How? How can us we have daughters asked for that man there is nothing wrong. Put your pride between

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or put your the tails between your legs as they say

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and you know what? Let it happen. So Allah you go

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And speak because this is what we were taught. If you don't open your mouth, nothing's going to happen. So my brothers and sisters, remember to communicate with your children, they will come up because

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the world has progressed, they might even tell you I've seen someone on the internet, when did you see them? That might not be the ideal way in your mind to do things, but it is possible they have met someone better than the mother that you chose for them. Now Allah forgive us. And I'm sorry to say this, it's very possible. I've met someone, for example, online.

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The minute we here online, and I'm not encouraging this, by the way, I'm only telling you that it does happen if it does happen, how to deal with it, because it is happening so much. So you have to say Subhana, Allah, you know what, let me find out who it is, then you find out you start digging, you make sure that you know who it is. And when you find out something, communicate with your child, but my beloved children, there is a problem that we face. Do not allow. Do not allow yourself to be trapped already before you've spoken to your family members. Because when you speak to your mum or dad, be prepared for them to say no, they might have valid reasons. If they don't have valid

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reasons, then we tell them not to reject it, like I just said. But if they do have valid reasons and they deny it, are you prepared to accept it? That's the question.

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Now, the statement of the date.

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Remember, this, your mind and your heart are two of the most powerful organs that Allah has blessed you with? Never ever give control of these two to anyone. besides Allah, did you hear that? your mind and your heart are two of the most powerful organs that Allah has blessed you will never give the control of these tools to anyone besides Allah. The problem is, as teenagers as we are growing up behind the backs of our parents or or even just on our own, we meet someone, infatuation, whatever else it might be, we're in love, we heard the password, you know, what is the password, the password is to make a statement, I love you. And to say it with a little bit of treachery, you know,

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I love you. And once you say that Subhanallah that's the password into the heart, and you look at them, and you blink your eyes a little bit to be quick repeat a little bit. And to have a lot once that happens. Whoo, I melted, I melted some kind of luck, wow. And then what happens, we give ourselves away my brothers and sisters in such a way that if that person is a cheat, if they are deceiving you, if they are actually abusing you, and using you, you don't even know. You don't even know because you've allowed the control of your heart to get into their hands. That's why we say don't let that happen. The only time you let it progress is when nica takes places when marriage

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takes place, they can promise you the world do not believe it until it really happens. They can promise you the world. Don't believe it until it really happens. Look at our parents, my parents and those who are perhaps older than 50 6070 How many times have you heard them say I love you to their wives or their husbands. But guess what their love was probably more solid than that of ours. With us every day, we have to resize the number of I love us a day I miss you I love you gorgeous, my darling, my doll etc. and so on. And you got to keep on saying it and make sure everything is okay. Because we would love reassurance with them. It was not that type of reassurance they needed. They

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just needed someone who cared for them. They needed someone who respected them. And that's what it was. But the world has changed. Unfortunately, people are moving away from the matrimonial bond and they are just developing partners who they have a loose attachment with outcome whenever I can use you and abuse you and then I will depart whenever it suits me. Subhana Allah, May Allah forgive us don't allow that to happen. The union is sacred. It is it is done with the name of Allah. I was here on Friday and must you don't know Mashallah. We had three unions. It was done so beautifully. And it was done in such a unique way that I learned something to somehow Allah

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Mashallah, it was really unique, beautiful, so quick, three marriages, three weddings and I was thinking to myself Mashallah Baraka Allah, if it is this easy, why do people still commit Zina? Why do they commit adultery? Why do they fall in cage when nica has been made so easy? What excuse do you have? Do you know how Nika is done? There is an there is a proposal from one side, there is an acceptance of the proposal from the other sides.

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There are witnesses who witness this. There is a representative of the bride. And at the same time, there is a man that is made mention of it's a token

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It's not the bride price, nor is it a dowry, etc. It is just a token a gift that you should give at that particular stage. And it's made mention of sometimes specifically and sometimes what is agreed upon without actually disclosing the whole details some people give, and they don't want the public to know how much they have given, there's no harm for as long as the witnesses know, and you say whatever you've agreed upon, and then it does. So you're married. As simple as that, you need a minimum of two witnesses. If that happens to her, Allah, you are married by the will of Allah, look at how easy it is. But now when we go to our lives in reality,

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we tend to do different things I've already addressed the issue of imposing on our children, whom they should marry. And I think it's a cultural matter, it happens more in our families, it happens more within our culture. And from an Islamic perspective, no, you should involve your child, it's your child's future, their likes, their dislikes, it's their chance, and it's their only chance, inshallah, their only chance, meaning we don't want the managers to

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look at how marriages are breaking today. There are many reasons One of them is people don't know why they are getting married. So, on one hand, the forcing of the parents on the other hand, the child is choosing someone without knowing the characteristics that he or she should be looking at. And we know that character conduct and dealing

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those characters or those characteristics are meant to be looked at, rather than solely and only looks solely and only the family solely and only, for example, the wealth

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know

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something very interesting.

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People say you should only look at the deal to get married, that is wrong. That is wrong. You look at the deal. The deal is the overriding factor, always the dean meaning the level of religion, the level of character, the level of conduct, etc. The level of responsibility is also included in that person is responsible with great character and conduct and they know their duty unto Allah because of that responsibility, Mashallah, they are fit to be married, but you need to look at them, you need to see what they look like you need there needs to be some form of an attraction. You know, some people like a tall woman, some people like a short man, some people like a fat woman, some

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people like a slim woman, and some people love maybe a man who is very strong and others like one who can't even walk properly, you know? Yes, it's okay. It depends. It's your liking. Allah has made all our minds and hearts different. And that's the uniqueness of the identity of every individual. So you choose there needs to be a spark. So one might say, well, how then are we supposed to be doing this? Okay. Let me explain to you. There are many ways it's not just one way, I've already spoken about the new age where daughter comes along, Dad, I met someone today. That doesn't sound Nigerian sounds more American doesn't mean Allah subhanho wa Taala grandpa's understanding, however,

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it's acceptable. Thank Allah that your child has come to you, you need to guide the child. If the person they come with maybe you've never met that person, that person might be such a lovely person, you will fall in love with them more than anyone you had in your mind. But give them a chance, find out more. So I spoken about that. Now let's get through another way of doing things perhaps the ideal way of doing things, the ideal and none of us are living in an ideal world. So obviously, we won't be able to get to that level but when talking about it, because this is how it was supposed to be done.

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The Father knows I have so many daughters. Okay, let me give you my example. I have six daughters. Okay. So for example, I know that people would not have met my child, but I mean, so many men and boys every day. And I know for example, whether it's in the masjid, whether it's in the program, whether it's in the public, whether it's on the you know, on a flight, whether it is on a journey, anything in any way I interact with so many boys and men all my life and I'm on the lookout Why am I on the lookout because I have so many daughters Angela I need to get them married

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Mashallah, some are already married but for those who are not so halala from amongst my own children and you are on the lookout you meet a young man you meet him once and twice thrice you might want to ask him a question as to how are you What's your name, etc. You know, you don't give him a question is Hey, come here filling this question is I want to see if you are okay for my daughter. That's not how it works. The Fae be calm about it. You're Salam alikoum How are you? What's your name you sit down, etc. And you know what you interact once twice you meet them in the masjid. For example.

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and thereafter, you might want to inquire about the father or someone, elder, etc. And if there is no one elder, you can ask the child also How old are you, you know, you marry, and whatnot. And then you might want to speak to the Father or an elder sibling of that particular child. If the father is not there are one of the family members to say, You know what?

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I have a daughter. I would like to introduce my daughter to your son, if you have no objections. Wow. Subhan Allah Subhana. Allah. Interesting, isn't it? It's correct. That's how it's supposed to be done. A lot of fathers out there as such, they just sit and they are not bothered. They're not worried. Some of them don't want their daughters to get married. Because the daughter has a good job with a big salary, the salary is coming to the Father. If you get married, that salary is now going to go to the husband, I don't want you to get married, and you are now 40 years old.

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She doesn't?

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Did you hear that? Yes, it's true. Sometimes we are elderly, the daughter's looking after us and we don't want them to marry because if she marries, they will be no one else to look after us. Why? Why be selfish. It's a test of Allah subhanho wa Taala. You cannot do that. It's Haram, it's prohibited to look at your own

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achievement from it all the goodness that you might think you are going to lose and prohibit someone from something that Allah has ordained.

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Something that is a song that is actually encouraged very strongly by Rasulullah Salallahu salam, there was once a group of people who went to the wives of Rasulullah sallallahu Sallam and inquired about the battle that we engage in. And as a result, they started saying, Okay, I'm not going to do this, I'm not going to do that. I'm not going to get married so that I can do lots and lots of rabada, just like Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam. When he heard about it, he got up and he said, You know what, I am the most pious from amongst you, and I am the closest to Allah from amongst us. I want to tell you that I married as well. I'm also married, whoever doesn't want to marry. It's not

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from amongst means.

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Unless you have a valid reasons, perhaps an illness, perhaps something else reason whereby I know one man, he has a temper where he can break anything and destroy anything for him. I told him listen, brother, for you don't get married, please, you will oppress your wife, you will oppress your wife. Don't get married until you dealt with your anger when your temper.

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So anyway, my beloved father, we were saying when you come across someone, you ask to inquire, then you get introduction of your daughter's to that particular person's and what happens? You introduce them either in the setting of your home in the city of their home in a way that is permissible in Islam, you don't just say hi, pick up my daughter, take it away, you can bring her back tomorrow morning. You okay? That's not permissible. You cannot just leave it loose ends because

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Schafer will be the third one. The Hadith says whenever a man and a woman are alone, a man is definitely the third The devil is there. So the devil starts, you know his tricks. And you might say, no, it's all five years, it's all okay, it ends up at some point in a hot arm way, you don't want that to happen. So what you have to do is you introduce them, they may be sitting, you might be sitting at a little bit of a distance, you don't want to pry into everything. Some people, they only allow you to see that girl for a few seconds, and you must make your mind up. In some cultures, she will walk in from the side of the room, she will walk out from that side of the room, she will have

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a tray of drinks in her hand, she will come and put it on the table and say, Sally, come and walk out there with one Salam you are supposed to decide my wife, my wife, okay, how can you do that? Some halala. But that is what some people do. And they say, listen, make your mind up, you're not going to see her again. Say yes or no, the poor brother is stuck because he's now seen another two or three. And he's trying to think in giving the form in which May Allah forgive us. May Allah forgive us. That's not how it should be. So there is a small discussion. There has to be a discussion. How are you? Etc. You talk about your likes, your dislikes, what would you like? What do

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you want to you know, what are your plans, children, no children career, no career, see if there is compatibility. When you speak, you might meet them once and say I still haven't made up my mind. But it was in a beautiful setting where there was no halwa meaning it's not just a male and a female alone. There is a third party involved, even if it's a little bit of a distance, say I am here and they are sitting perhaps a few meters away. It's fine. I may not be able to hear all the details of the discussion, but it is they are talking and they can you give them their time an hour, perhaps someone might say five minutes.

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I give you five minutes, 10 minutes, come on, I want to make the decisions of my life. Nowadays, it's important to get to know who you are going to get married to. A lot of us don't allow our daughters and sons that privilege that Islam has allowed them, just because others have done it that way does not mean it's the way of doing things. No. Nowadays, you must allow them to get to know each other because the divorce rate is so high, sometimes within five minutes of marriage, you already know it's the wrong questions.

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Who are we to make rulings and decisions for others about their spouses is the father makes a decision he's making according to his liking, perhaps his daughter likes something else. How many of us our children don't even like the type of food that we eat.

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Allah forgive us. So give him the time, the boy or the girl might come back to you and you give them a day or two. Sometimes if they're close to you, immediately, they will say that I don't like the guy.

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I don't like the guy. Okay. Now you've got to go back and say, You know what, some handler thank you so much deserved. But you know, she feels a little bit negative about it. May Allah bless you with the beautiful spouse, and May Allah grant you goodness, don't feel bad. Don't feel heart so your heart won't really be broken because you didn't give it any way. It was done properly. And officially, the only time it's broken is when you've already gone.

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When you've done things that married people would only do then you break up because you will not even married. Your heart is broken. He used me he used me. Why did he? Why did you allow him to use you? You're equally guilty. Nobody used me. You are equally guilty. My beloved sisters Don't let it happen from the beginning. This is why the issue of a mammogram is so important maharam someone who will look after you someone whom the man knows there is another man involved here. I cannot miss here. I will not play games. But the problem is some of them are ridiculous. Because they want to impose their own views they want to impose No, don't. You are there to guide not to impose.

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Now what happens the first one, the girl didn't like the guy. We stopped it. We ended it now. Don't say okay, I tried it once. Now it's up to you do your thing. No, try again. And again and again. And sometimes they might come up and say okay, we've met but I think we need another meeting. Because we haven't completed our discussion. Now. The mother comes and says

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you spoke for two hours. And you still haven't finished your discussion. Are you crazy?

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Are you my mother? I want to speak for another two hours. What's wrong? We did not do anything wrong. We are talking. What are you talking about? When talking about everything, maybe I might be an engineer. I might be a rocket scientists. And that brother might be the driver for DHL. It's okay. May Allah subhanho wa Taala. Grant us ease. You're allowed to meet again a second time.

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But it must be done respectfully. The problem was us. We meet in the wrong way. And we say who didn't you hear were allowed to have a meeting two hours. I'll see you at this hotel.

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It's happening in community and society. People lie to us. They cheat us they abuse they twist the religion to suit them to commit around. Don't fall into that trap. Never

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know you don't you say you want to come home? What about your dad? Don't worry, make my dad it's okay consists sit at home, and your dad knows there's nothing happening. Nothing going here is just an initial meeting. And then you say no. Perhaps you might want to have another meeting, one might ask, Well, is there a limit as to the number of times we can meet this person's strictly speaking there isn't. But try and make it

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in the earliest possible way, the quickest possible way.

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So you meet four or five times maybe. And then you decide you don't want that. I'd like to take this further. In that particular instance.

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You don't have to have a huge engagement whereby, you know, people are getting bank loans and borrowing because they want to compete with the who's who, in order to show the world that we've had a very big engagements No, those that waste Well, they are void of Baraka, they are void of blessings. What is an engagement in Islam? at the point where both the boy and the girl are happy, the parents announced that inshallah we have now set the date of Nika. Don't let that date be two years from now. Because in those two years shavon will come and spoil the sowing of the seeds in a Halloween by making it be sown in a haram way. I know of cases of people who are engaged to be

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married, and they say no, we are only going to marry after we graduate. That's in about four years time. And within the four years, she's already expecting a child.

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It's happening because why the parents were foolish. My beloved parents

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People say I wait for my son to become old to have a job, and I wait for my daughter to be able to earn etc, then you can get married. That might not happen. Allah has already given you some wealth. You need to use that well to help your children. Why not? I will help you, I will facilitate it for you. It doesn't mean because the nigga is now done. We have to shift into the house today. Tomorrow. No, the nigga can be done my brothers and sisters. And maybe if it was done early, we may agree mutually that they can still live within their own homes. They can meet up every weekend, what's wrong, they can go for an overnight trip, what's wrong, they are married. But they may not be able

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to afford their own accommodation right now. What do we do we protect them from harm.

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What I'm saying may sound

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dude you know foreign to you but a lie. It's a fact it's a reality. The nikka is done. There's nothing in Islam that says once it is done, you have to get out of my house and go into your husband's house know when he's ready. We will go, please help me I will stay here for now. He can come and go Subhana Allah, I can go and come at least I'm married. What have you protected her from? From Haram. That's what it is. But with us, we want to compete with the World War law. He I know of cases in Nigeria, I know of cases in Nigeria and elsewhere, elsewhere as well. where people are delaying the weddings of their daughters because they feel it's going to cost a lot of money. And we

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don't have that money right now to be able to give them a huge wedding is happening even in the indo Pak sub continent and elsewhere on the globe in Asia as well. A delay because why? What am I going to do? I've got so many daughters, I need to get them married. And it's going to be very costly. Guess what? You have to get them married in accordance with your means.

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Don't ever go around begging and borrowing, borrowing whether it's from a bank or from a friend? No, you don't do that. sufu The nicca can be done in the masjid. What does it constitute? The walima can be made up of a plate of sweets. It's also called a walima. Nothing wrong. You can make 200 plates of sweets and distributed the machine. And that's your money, man. That's what you could afford. And if you want you can sacrifice an animal because that is asuna

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invite 20 of your friends, a few family members and that's it. What is wrong? The problem is when we want to invite the whole oma Subhana Allah

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as a show, when it becomes a difficult problem. You want to make a show out of it. Some Allah has blessed him with wealth. You can invite anyone you want. You know people say is there a limit to the number of people I can invite? If Allah has given me money? The answer is no. You can invite 10,000 people to the wedding of your daughter there is no harm. It's not called a waste of waste is when you have extravagantly lavishly thrown money for nothing. You spent $5,000 only on candles, you spent another $10,000 on the decorations. You spend another $50,000 on the dancers who are going to come to dance and show their bodies and you find the glue looking at the body of the dancer. I don't

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know should I have actually chosen her or that one day?

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You paid for travel? That's what you did. May Allah forgive us you paid for trouble.

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Forgiveness. So we need to know that when marriages are done. It's the Baraka Baraka, you are looking and searching for the blessings of Allah subhanho wa Taala.

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Try and keep it simple. You might have invited 10,000 people but you fed them with decent food you made and you remembered the poor, because those weddings where the poor are forgotten and only the wealthy are invited. What happens to the blessings and the Baraka.

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You lose it. Remember to invite the poor as well to the wedding. Remember to

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give them part of what goodness Allah has blessed you with. In order that they will make you are they will be happy they will come barakallahu Tacoma wa barakaatuh a coma, coma and they have really eaten sometimes the well being they will come they will touch a piece of salad maybe one of their glass of water and they will disappear and they will say they will go back it can happen sometimes and they will say the food was not so good. Not so good. Whereas the poor who have come, they will come they will eat they will be thankful and they will never say the food was not good. They will say

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Alhamdulillah Armani

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muslimin Allah bless these people they have fed us.

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So it's important for us to note that

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we need to keep our weddings simple. We need to keep them within our means. And from this, we would realize there is no minimum or maximum when it comes to the size of the party. You have it according to your means. And you need to be happy with that. Don't compare and compete. And don't think for a moment I need to do it the way my neighbor did it because then if I don't, I will feel small will lie I know of marriages, those who have taken bank loans to get the wedding's done. The divorce happened before the bank loan was repaid online without a job.

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And they are paying the bank loan back two years after the divorce.

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Imagine if there was a collateral to be given to the bank. And I wonder what that would have been you'd have walked away and say you know what can be the marriage is broken.

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Allah forgive us. So don't ever deceive yourself by trying to make a show out of all of this. What is it is the happiness there? How many of us force our children to do things and then we want to give a big wedding where Subhan Allah, the world must say wow, I can give you another point of extravagance. I know of a case here in this part of the world where the bride

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purchased or was given 20 pairs of clothing just for the photo shoot for one day, photo shoots so she wore the red they took photos she was a blue they took photos she was a green they took photos. Meantime the man I don't even want to talk about the colors that he was wearing. And he wore one of those you know the the one they call it the goofiest

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the headgear, what is it called?

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Okay, whatever it is called, but a green one, a yellow one, a red one. And they are taking photos, photos with so many photos Wow. And then plus Delete on Instagram, and they plaster it everywhere. Look at this, look at that, that is a part of the wedding today. Remember, keep it simple. don't post don't show don't make it a show. Make dua to Allah on that day that Allah give them Baraka and bless them with a pious offspring. We are struggling today on the globe because our lives have become a show. So there is no real happiness. Our friends are now online, they are not those who are in front of us anymore.

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So we cannot afford to have such

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a show where we are wasting money.

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The photoshoots are becoming ridiculous. My brothers and sisters in particular, the amount of money we spend sometimes on these things is unacceptable. Then we want the Baraka from Allah subhanho wa Taala. So remember, my brothers and sisters, keep it simple. Talk to your children help them, I've given you a scenario whereby you introduce your child, even if it is from the male side, sometimes your mother your sister might have visited or been at a function, whether it was a religious function, or perhaps the marketplace or on a journey, they might have traveled with a family, she may have noticed a young girl and she knows I've got a son. And they will introduce thereafter. The

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introduction does not mean it's going to happen. It means within the limits of Islam, we will allow the two to meet because we think it would work. They have the right to say no, no, no, not this one. They have the right to say No, not this one, they have the right to say no, not that one, and not the other one, they have the right to say that without a limit on conditions that somehow Allah, they are being truthful. Talk to them. And I want to end by asking you a question. It's a very hot questions. It's a very serious question. And that is, how many of us how many of us

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have imposed on our children to marry those they did not want to marry? Oh, how many of us?

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And I know it's a problem. I know it's a problem in this community, too. I know it. How do I know it? It's a problem because we receive emails, we receive questions. And sometimes I am shocked by the nature of the question. If you might be saying no, it's not a problem. Thank Allah. It's not a problem in your family. But it is a problem in a lot of cases. So halala How many of us the choice of the boy or the girl was rejected solely because it came from them? And who are you to come up with your own choice? Who are you? Who are you to come and tell us you want to marry this person who

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Where did we get that from?

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It is permissible in Islam if they come up to you

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With respect and say that there is someone I see at work every day or I have seen at the university every day, please find out more about them. The world has changed. There's nothing wrong you need to say this and leave it to me. I hope you haven't taken this relationship to a wrong level. I hope it's only the beginning. Because at the beginning we can help you the minute you've gone a little bit too far we will not be able to help you may Allah subhanahu wa taala bless us all. May Allah grant us goodness and Jenna. I told the brother, I would end at 45 minutes 59 seconds but inshallah I will add that one minute and I will end that 45 minutes 49 seconds of Allah subhanho wa Taala

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bless every one of us. I cannot believe that the time is up already. But I hope we've benefited somehow and I pray that we can make right the wrongs of the past. And I pray that next time we come we need to speak more about divorce and we need to speak more about separation and we need to speak more about the problems within marriage by the will of Allah subhanho wa Taala in order for us to be able to benefit in a holistic way akuto kolyada Sol Allahu wa Sallim wa barik ala nabina Muhammad wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.