How To Protect Our Children For The Future

Moutasem al-Hameedy

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Channel: Moutasem al-Hameedy

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AI: Summary © The speakers discuss the difficulties of dealing with issues in society, including sexual orientation and faith. They suggest providing guidance and instructions for parents to avoid discomfort and create a positive environment. The challenges faced by youth in the face of a new environment lead to doubt and fear, and the importance of parenting and trusting children is emphasized. The "monster" environment is the "monster" environment for children to be seen as genuine love and not just a temporary one.
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In the laboratory learning model who want to study and want us to focus on older humans surely unforeseen obviously you heard Dr. Medina you had the low Philomel. doula. When will you look for her heard the EULA? Who should will learn the law law who had the hula? Should he kill kala? Why should one no Mohammed Abdullah Rasool, I'm a bad friend as Dr. Hadith the Kitab Allah He has no idea who they are who they are Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam was shallow, memoriam, Jetha to have a coulomb jetsetting Vida aku livedata and bodalla Akula Gallatin phenom

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the, the subjects and the topics of this conference were chosen carefully, just to deal with problems that we have avoided tackling for quite a while, until these topics or these subjects have actually started, I'd say, affecting our communities, here in Canada and other countries in the west, to a great extent, even something beyond our imagination.

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Usually, the problems that our youth specifically face

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is what we can summarize in the common phrase, a faith crisis. And this is something I deal with almost on a daily basis, almost on a daily basis. There are Muslims, young Muslims who are questioning their faith, or doubting their faith, who have some kind of defiant attitude, and they're rebelling against the traditions that they were meant to be raised upon. And there are reasons for that. There are reasons for that, as I said, we've been avoiding these topics because they're quiet.

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They they're not easy to deal with. And oftentimes, a lot of the speakers don't have hands on experience with them. And as I said, so we've been trying to avoid them. And in our denial, we were hoping that they would just disappear. But it seems that they actually got worse, because there are institutions that are individuals. And there's a lot of financing that's going to push into such kind of influences. Specifically, we're talking about atheism, we're talking about people doubting their faith. And we're talking about issues of sexual orientation and how to handle these, how to handle these issues. Because we live in a society that's quite open about these issues, where

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personal freedom is quite stressed. And we don't seem to be giving practical solutions. Oftentimes, what you get from an imam or a shareholder Daria is a very general answer that doesn't help someone who's going through a faith crisis. Most likely, there are good exceptions Al Hamdulillah, but they are as I said, limited to certain individuals, and they have not been addressed community wide. So we are hoping the this in this conference, at least to set the stage and to pave the way for a wider scale approach. And maybe to develop an attitude where we can address such issues head on, and we can call a spade, a spade, inshallah deal with these issues with some kind of balance and create

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some kind of perspective that will inshallah enable the Muslim community to handle these issues

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in a better way than we used in the past.

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The issues some of the issues won't be comfortable to talk about.

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And I would say a lot of the,

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the advice, a lot of the instructions, a lot of the perspectives will be addressing the parents, because the parents are in a position of authority and power in the family. And we are talking about our younger generation. So kids need some kind of instruction and education and Tobia and Ischia. But generally speaking, conferences are not the ideal kind of framework for that. So you parents will might feel uncomfortable, as a lot of the advice will be directed at them. The second reason that might feel very uncomfortable, is that

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maybe the way we've been doing parenting and education for our kids

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will be challenged sometimes.

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Maybe it worked within certain context, within certain traditions in certain countries with certain backgrounds. Yes, but a lot of these approaches are actually situational. There are times specific, there are place specific cultures specific and they're not universal. So, when we implement them in a society, like

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this society here in Canada and the West, generally, they might actually bring about the results opposite to what we desire, or opposite to what they have been producing in other cultures and in other settings. So this will be a reason or a cause of discomfort, a great disk

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offered. And the reason is how Allah subhanaw taala designed this as humans, you know, the Arabs have very famous line of poetry where the poet says why, you know, Rila and COO Laban, Kelly Latin? Well, I can in Al mukti, to the Messiah.

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Basically what it says is that when you

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are happy with something, when you develop a liking to something, you overlook the mistakes. So when you develop a liking to a person, you won't be able to see their mistakes, it's a matter of perception, you just, you unconsciously will overlook their mistakes and their faults, and you only see the good things about them. And this is why you have the celebrity culture. When you see when you admire someone, you fail to see their mistakes. On the contrary, your perception sometimes will even deceive you where you see their mistakes and the faults as something that's praiseworthy.

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Well, I can nine Mukti took the micelle Yeah, but when you are unhappy with someone, or with something, you tend to see only the negatives about it. And even the good things about this thing, or the good aspects of this thing, you will actually tend to see them in a negative eye. That's how we humans are this how we are designed. So when some of the views on parenting that we have been raised upon, probably they've been there for hundreds of years, and they've been probably, to a certain extent, they've been successful in certain backgrounds in certain cultures. But today, they're actually producing, as I said, the opposite results. When these are challenged, this will be

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a cause of or reason for discomfort. So we might be a bit defensive. So what I'm calling upon every parent's so if you hear something that you don't, or you disapprove of, or you don't feel comfortable with, or maybe you have something to challenge, you know, give it a time, be patient, don't try to respond on on the moment, don't try to dismiss it completely on the spot, you might need to entertain it for a while and check it and let your mind or let your brain work on it. See, maybe maybe it is something that has merit within it, maybe it will be useful for you. So this is generally what the conference will be about. And these are some of the precautions that I needed.

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And

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some kind of just points I wanted to draw your attention to,

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I will be talking about just how to prepare our children for the future. Because today, whether we acknowledge it or not, whether we admit it or not, a lot of our youth when they go specifically to university, when they make the transition from high school to university, they are faced with a completely new environment where there is almost unlimited freedom.

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And there is a lot of exposure to people who challenge the faith. There's a lot of discourse and a lot of talk about how religion disagrees with science and that science debunks religion. There's a lot of talk, and a lot of professors in universities are actually very actively speaking about these issues. And they are brainwashing our younger generation. And the younger generation is faced with questions that come from experts from professors, they are completely unprepared, and they're completely challenged. So some of the you'll find some of the students will completely, you know, take for themselves and dissociate. And they will probably,

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you know, even when it comes to their attendance to the classes, they will actually

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observe only the the minimum acceptable. And they will try most some of them even speak during the classes. And the reason is these people are trying to protect their faith. Some people are attentive, and these are sometimes hardworking students, and they pay a lot of attention. And they want to learn a lot of these messages. I send to them day in and day out. And slowly, slowly, first, they reject them. They dislike them. And they have like they have the right attitude towards them. But over time, this dissolves. And these ideas start sinking in and creating doubts in their minds, when they start creating questions. And some of these questions have a nagging nature, they keep

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coming back at them requesting because we need to make sense this how we humans are designed, we need to make sense of what's going on around us. So with a lot of these doubts, and a lot of these questions over time, they start having an impact on our children. And some of them start questioning their faith. Some of them ended up actually leaving Islam

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and my personal observation and that's through, you know, dealing with this age group. And a lot of the, you know, speaking with a lot of people, a lot of like the brothers who go to universities, speaking about their colleagues, a lot of these guys, they secretly give up Islam, but for political reasons, and in order to survive with the family, and not to have any conflicts.

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They decide to live the culture. So they will come to the masjid, they will pray, but they don't believe. For them, they don't believe even, they really doubt that Allah is there. They doubt that Islam is the truth. But they do this as a culture because they don't have any. They don't want to have any conflict with their families, with the community where they grew up in. But these people have a serious faith crisis.

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So if we don't prepare our kids to handle such challenges, then we might be failing them.

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And we might think that we're doing something good. Okay, oh, we're doing enough. But a lot of the facts on the ground and in the field are actually showing that our children are going through a challenge that has been, that's unprecedented. And we need to develop new mechanisms, new strategies, and new tactics in order to handle these issues, and protect our younger generation.

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As I said, some of the things that I will be saying might be uncomfortable, as I said, give them the chance, give them a time, until they settle and think about them over and over again, discuss them with some, some other brothers, discuss them with your wife, or the wife with her husband. And think about them, they might just open a new window of, you know, considering things or looking at things from a completely different angle. And sometimes this is what we actually need.

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I will be sharing some advice, as to generally

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how we should deal with our younger generation, at a young age, how to set the grounds so that when they reach the that level when they make the transition to high school or to university, that they have enough emotional stability, enough knowledge

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about Islam, a strong connection to the family, to the family, and to Allah subhanho wa taala. So that these doubts that they are bombarded with and they face on a daily basis, have the least impact on them, have the least impact on them. I don't claim that what I'm going to share with you is comprehensive. These are just thoughts. And as I said, one of my main points here is to instigate and spark a conversation. So the first step is that we start thinking about these things seriously, we take them seriously. And even if we don't see this happening to people who are younger ones that are close to us, it's happening all over the Muslim community. And when I mean while ignoring it,

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putting our heads in the sand is not going to help us, it's not going to help us we have to call a spade a spade, we have to look at the facts as facts, sometimes we have to deal with the brutal facts, in order for us to survive, otherwise, we will be losing our younger generation. To an extent sometimes that might be irreversible.

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The first point that I want to say that I want to put forth is that a lot of our cultures have developed in the last few 100 years in Muslim countries, where parenting is mainly associated with control.

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So the main paradigm in parenting has been controlled control, because the parents have power. They are physically more powerful, mentally more powerful, emotionally more powerful, financially, more powerful. They are the ones who provide for the kids. And they have the experience in life. They have the absolute power in the family. And this power is manifested in the form of orders,

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placing the system within the family that the kids are expected to follow completely. And sometimes the use of physical force, the use of physical force, so you will find a lot of tactics that are actually based on this based on and it seems to have worked to a great extent, because in the Muslim countries, on Muslim majority countries, this culture seems to have worked as the kids learn to respect their parents and be obedient to their parents. And the whole society is built on this, the whole society so the kids don't have an exposure to anything else. Now when Muslims migrate to such countries, to Western countries, where there's a lot of freedom given to kids, and a lot of these

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principles like respect for parents, and priority for the parents and the power of parents is actually challenged. And the kids are taught this in school, sometimes directly, sometimes indirectly, that you have rights. Sometimes the teachers speak directly to the kids and they tell them Do your parents beat you? Do they smack you

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They force you, and so on and so forth.

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So

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it seems, um, um, this conclusion, as I said, this is a personal conclusion. But I've seen it transpire in a lot of conversations. When the kid is usually

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taught Islam by means of control, you have to pray, you have to pray, you have to fast, you have to dress up like that you have to talk like this. And so on and so forth. In the early years, the kids still submit to that power, I would say, power imbalance where the parents have control

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at a young age, but when the kid becomes a teenager, and they are taught in school otherwise, and they see other kids show a lot of disrespect to the elderly, and they get away with it. And sometimes they are rewarded for that. They start questioning this.

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They start questioning that what happens usually, and it's a dynamic process, the parents exert more control.

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Just the other day I was speaking with one parent, and he was complaining.

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And he said, you know, my kids have been raised in the masajid. He said, When my kids like were born in the hospital, before taking them to vote, taking them home. Each one of my kid was taken to the masjid.

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I would bring them to the masjid first.

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And he said, I raised my kids in the masjid. And now his kids are teenagers. And he says, If I don't tell them to pray, they don't pray. They don't pray.

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I have to be on top of them all the time to tell them to pray. I have to wake them up for Fudger. When they go into the washroom to get ready for Salah, they take some time to half an hour.

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They don't want to pray.

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So he says unless I'm on top of them, unless the mother is chasing them.

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They don't pray. So what happened?

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What happened? Why is this the case? Why aren't the kids you know, motivated from inside to pray themselves? Why? When they have grown up, and these kids have gone only to Muslim schools. They have never been to public schools.

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So they grew up in a Muslim environments, the house, the mainly the parents are practicing. They spent a lot of time in the masjid. The other time they spent it in the school, it's an Islamist school, or where they take a lot of what it teaches them is about Allah about Islam is about prayer. So what's happening that the and this is I'm not talking just about this brother, this is a recurrent theme, this something that's very common, how many parents need to push their kids to pray. Sometimes the the teenagers or sometimes even the the kids who who have reached their 20s, they still have to remind them of each prayer Have you prayed, they need to check on them all the

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time.

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So it seems when the kids see when the kids have an escape somewhere else, and they see a lot of freedom. And they see people violating this kind of respect for the elderly. And they get away with it. And sometimes as I said, they get rewarded, they start questioning whether this works or not. And this gives them a space for rebellion to be defined to the parents. So this kind of control, this kind of control

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doesn't seem to be working as it used to be.

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And there's something I need to draw your attention to. By the way, there is nothing here, it's not about black and white, you might pick some mistakes, were some parents, you know, the kids were born in, in this country, and they were raised in this country. And based on this model of control, complete control, and the kids turned out to be perfect.

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It happens you're going to find these examples. But on the other side, you will find probably more numbers of such example actually failing.

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So we need to understand that this is not a black and white approach.

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It's a very dynamic approach. There are individual differences. There are individual differences. So we need to create a we need to find out a balance, we need to find out a balance of how much control we exert, and how much space and freedom we give.

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And that's a very challenging thing to do. And this is why probably a lot of these suggestions and the propositions that you will see,

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at least from my side, my might raise more questions than they provide answers.

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And because this is such a challenging topic, it's a big topic and it's not easy to just summarize it in a lecture or to draw conclusions from personal experience the experience of one or two people. This is something that we as a community have to engage in. We have to provide feedback, we have to create an awareness about it. So that with this awareness the

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There will be a lot of people experimenting, there will be a lot of people who will share their examples, successful examples. Slowly, slowly, while creating this awareness, we will be better able to pinpoint what works and what doesn't work. What solves the problem? And what exacerbates it.

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So something I recommend is that we question the absolute use of power.

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And the power in general terms. So it could be it could be physical, it could be emotional power, and total control over the child.

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When the child sees as a teenager, when they see other options, when they see other ways of life, they are going to question that, and they will rebel specifically, that they are fed from a young age that you have rights, no one can force anything on you, and so on, and so forth. So what will happen, the kid will rebel, not all the kids, as I said, there's no black and white here. You can't paint everyone with the same brush. People have individual differences. But we're talking about a considerable portion within

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our teenagers.

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So we need to pay attention to that. That's number one, which is the use of or the use of control. So I am proposing something or an alternative. And I believe it's better. And this alternative is actually not is not a new thing. But it's taken from some examples from the early generations. And it makes so much sense. And it's been used by other communities. And that's basically to win your child over. Instead of using control. If you can be friend your children and win them over, win them over in the sense that you become friends with them, that they trust you

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that they look up to you

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that they are not frightened by you. So they don't have to pray because you're observing them. The other day I was I heard something from some schoolchildren in some Muslim schools, not all of them. So it's it's unfair to generalize. But these kids were saying that when the salah on select a lot of time comes, we are forced into the Salah, we have to pray, right? We're expected to pray. So everyone goes and make although they have to make the law. And the way it's been supervised, is shows a lot of control. Listen, you guys you have to go make although now go make although there's a teacher observing them when they're making Mordor, if anyone makes a mistake or tries to play

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around, they will be punished.

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Then they will be taken to the prayer hall or to the gym. And they will pray. As they're praying. There are teachers policing them, that teachers policing them. If anyone makes a mistake, they will either call out their name, or they will walk to them. Like if they are not standing in the line that will push them into the line. They're making a mistake. For example, they're putting their hands wrongly, they will hold their hands and put them where they should be

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so much control.

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So I asked some of these kids, do you pray at home? They said no.

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So why do you pray in school? I'm scared. Because they will send me to the office. I'll be grounded.

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I'll be told off in front of everyone.

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So asking some of the kids show me how you make although sometimes do you know what they do? They get some water they just they rub their hands in the face to show to pretend that they made mobile why? Because they don't want to be caught.

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Parents also do the same.

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So as I said this might have worked in certain countries certain cultures at certain times. But talking about our times, it still might work with some people, but it will definitely not work with a big chunk of our teenagers. So the alternative the alternative is actually to connect with your child at a deeper level. Connecting with each other at a deeper level means to win them over. You become friends with them. You let them trust you.

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Look at Anis abdul-malik Probably Allah who know how he described the prophets of Salaam. He said as he describes the prophets of Salaam. He says Mal and Miss mela muskmelons to cuffin

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and mme Nydia Rasulillah Salam, I have never touched a palm or a hand that is softer than the hand of the Prophet SAW Salem. The process of them never smacked a child or a servant or anyone.

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And he even while a miracle Lishi in fall two holy Masataka Well, Alicia in lemma Allah, holy minimum of al Qaeda, and he never said for anything that I did. You shouldn't have done that. Or for something that I haven't done you should have done that.

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That's the profits of a salon. That's that's his approach. So his lack of control

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but lack of control is not

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actually leaving the children loose because when they leave the children loose, obviously they don't have guidance. But we're offering an alternative is that instead, and this is why I would like to put in this way, instead of using hard power, use soft power.

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Use soft power, how do you use soft power? You win the trust of your child? And how do you win it by becoming friends with them.

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You know, when we lose our children, we lose them at a young age. And that's something about us there's, this is a blindness in our perception. Humans don't see their mistakes. We don't see our mistakes. And we deliberately, sometimes overlook our mistakes. So what happens, we live in denial of our mistakes. When a child needs to talk to the Father, and the Father has come back from work, he's tired, he needs some quiet time, the child feels the need that emotional need to express their thoughts, and speak their heart, to their father, to the father says Leave me alone, I just need to take some rest. It's a very innocent act from the Father, very innocent act from the Father. And I

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said in other cultures that might work out. But here we were living at a very difficult times, difficult conditions, there's a lot of challenges. And if you lose your child, there are other people who are vying and dying to win them over. And they have all the tools and techniques.

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So you might just say to your child, okay, just leave me alone, I need to take some time, go to your mother,

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or the mother might be busy, okay, leave me alone now, we think is just a child, right? Two years old, three years old. What happens this causes a scar in the child, they learned that they cannot, they cannot find a listening ear when they need it from the parents. It's not going to happen from one time, it's not going to happen from two times three times 10 times maybe. But when it happens over and over again, it creates a scar in the heart of the child. So they learn not to share or not to confide in

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to their parents.

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So what do they do, they start holding back and they start bottling up and they start venting outside the house with their friends. With their classmates, they start speaking, what is this Do from their classmates, they're gonna hear similar stories, they will hear someone their age, their experience, who will share the experience and validate their feelings and emotions. Slowly, slowly, they learn to trust people outside the house and not inside the house.

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And we are completely unaware of this. Because we think it's legitimate, I'm tired. I'm working like 10 hours every day. And working eight hours every day, I've been stuck in the traffic for two hours, and so on and so forth. I need some peace of mind, right? And rightly so.

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But you need to realize the kid needs to talk. And we oftentimes, we don't see our kids. And that's my second my next point. We don't see our kids, as human beings. And there's something we have to be careful about. Your kids are not your property.

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Your kids are not, you're not like your car, they're not like your TV. They're not like a table. You don't possess them. They are a trust from Allah subhanaw taala. You don't even own yourself. You don't even own yourself, we are supposed to say in Allah, we belong to Allah. You don't even belong to yourself. So let alone your kids that they belong to you. But we seem to be blinded to this.

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We think our kids are just like toys, we can do whatever we want. We can tell them off. We can tell them to stay silent. We can tell them to you know, do what we want them to do. We don't treat them as persons as human beings who have feelings, who have intentions, who have desires, who have expectations, who have dignity and respect. Sometimes when a child and oftentimes actually, when a child makes a mistake, we become judgmental. We tell them off, we punish them harshly. And sometimes the punishment is not to educate them. By the way, punishment as a principle, it does work. But when we punish our children, why we do this to avenge ourselves to vent our anger when it becomes

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personal punishment backfires.

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Discipline backfires, the child feels that it's personal.

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But when you do this, in a caring and loving fashion, discipline pays off.

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It pays off. So we need to remind ourselves and that this is a human being. This is a gift from Allah trust.

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Is that a precious trust from Allah that I am supposed to look after, and deal with very carefully for the sake of Allah. So you deal with Allah through your child. And that's what Imam am says.

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You're not just dealing with some oil, some property that you possess and own and you have full control over

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this kind of attitude. Unfortunately, obviously, it's very rampant and widespread in other cultures. And mainly, it's very common in Muslim countries. And I said, it might work. And it does work in those countries, but no longer by the way, because the Western culture is taken over even Muslim countries, and we know this.

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So

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we need to change an attitude here. If you try to change your behavior without changing the attitude behind it, you're wasting your time, you need to see this child as a gift from Allah subhanaw taala. And you are not entitled to do whatever you want whatever you feel like in the moment, because that's your child. Your child doesn't mean your property means your child, that's your trust. You are supposed to help that child, get them ready to deal with life, and to show them the way that leads to Allah subhanaw taala That's your job. So you have to take very careful care of the child. You cannot abuse that authority that Allah gave you. You cannot abuse it and if you abuse it, you

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will be questioned by Allah subhanaw taala. Look at the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam. Again, the same statements from an asymptomatic while the Allahu Allah, the Prophet saw them was never like harsh with these kids would never tell them off would never smack them. The Prophet somehow he did, how did he deal with the hassle for saying, the prophets of salaam he himself, he's one of the children of his companions. He sees this child and he says he knows the child used to play with this little bird called a no hail, small bird. The prophets of Solomon looks at him and he plays with him. And he says, yeah, about Omega Rama, Fallon, Ohio. That's the cornea the nickname of this child

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about omega. And it's rhyming. Yeah, about Omega matha Allen, new, higher omega. What did this little bird have us do? Where did it go? What happened to it? So the bras are seldom who used to lead that nation, he would approach that child and he would speak speak to him in that friendly manner. One of the younger companions, his name is Muhammad Ali Allahu Anhu. He says, I remember when the problem came, when he was in Medina first came to Medina. I remember him visiting us in our house, visiting my father.

00:32:40--> 00:32:46

And I still remember when the Prophet said and put some water in his mouth, and he's patted him and He splashed it and spat it on my face.

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He says lazily to chromojet and Majah ha Rasulillah Salam, Salam fee, Woody, we're an Abu Hamsun when I was five years old. The problem goes and visits his companion. The child comes around the province, Allah, Allah has some water in his hand, he puts in his mouth, and he spits in the face of that child as a friendly gesture.

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The Prophet was salam was giving the hotbar the hotbar on Friday, where no one is supposed to talk, you're supposed to listen. It's very formal setting and has an official saying, walk into the masjid, wearing new clothes, new thoughts. So there were a little bit long. So they stumbled, and they felt the Prophet SAW Selim left the member and he went to them, he carried them and brought them back with him on the member, then he carried on in his hotbar then he said in the mat and while Comala to comfort him, and he says a man who will be known as the nettle hieratic dunya he says, These children are like the beautification of this life. They are the dormant of this life.

00:33:52--> 00:34:06

She says, when I saw them, I could not I could not even hold myself back. I, I sort of found myself that's what the statement sort of translates, I found myself approaching them and carrying them.

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So these are a trust from Allah subhanaw taala. These are the trust from Allah subhanaw taala. So we are not supposed to see them as our property. When we see them as our property, we will abuse that. When we don't feel when we feel drained when we our willpower has been exhausted. By in a work by traffic by certain people, we don't treat you well here and there. Basically, you will abuse that authority. And we will pay a very hefty price for that. So we need to see them as trust from Allah subhanaw taala and this will help us

00:34:45--> 00:34:47

give them genuine respect,

00:34:48--> 00:34:55

genuine respect. Something that helps with this is to see your child in your mind's eye 20 years later.

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20 years later, he's five years old.

00:35:00--> 00:35:08

He or she is five years old. Deal with them. What do you have in mind that 20 years from now, they will be a complete adult.

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This will stop you hold you back from using force, by the way.

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Because yes, they are now helpless. I have the power. But what about 20 years from now will I still use the power or the force. And a lot of people have used force with their kids. Now, when their kids reach a defined age, sometimes it's as early as 13, sometimes earlier, or 15, or 18, or 20, the child starts speaking back. So what worked for you in the first 10 years of their life, and you were feeling safe, you have control, that's not going to last. And now they have developed so much pain, emotional pain from that, they're going to take it back on you. And now they have all the support from external sources, all the brainwashing. And then also, they're gonna have the power of personal

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power. So they will be defined to you, they won't respond to you.

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So better options would be to actually win them over,

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win them over. So from a young age, from a young age, we need to look at our mistakes. Small things that happen as I said, a child wants to talk to you, and you don't have the time for that. Or a child says something and it sounds ridiculous for you. Because you you know this since you were a kid, but for the child, it's a revelation. It's it's a it's a learning experiences something new, something that makes them feel proud about themselves. And for you, oh, that's normal, what you're talking about this, obviously, for you. I mean, you're an adult, but for the child, it means the world for them. If you recognize their innocence, and their immaturity, and you actually respect

00:36:48--> 00:36:54

that, and you grow with them, and this is where I'm gonna stop himself, probably Allah, Allah Allahu Anhu. He said,

00:36:55--> 00:37:15

Yemen, Burkina virtually any Hakuna, he actually he kept the flipside. He says, A man, when he goes back home, he's supposed to be a child, you're supposed to behave like a child, stop using your brain. That's right, that's wrong. That works. That doesn't work. Forget about your professionalism, become an innocent child, play with the kids win them over.

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It seems to be a very common notion that it's normal. That's the default situation where kids are going to confide in their friends, they, they're going to trust external sources, or external individuals outside the family, not the parents, they don't trust the parents. It seems like the default No, this only happens if there's a mistake in the relationship. I'm telling you, it only happens. The child by nature, they are designed to look up to their parents.

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They crave the love of their parents, they want the friendship of their parents, if you offer genuine, genuine, I'm not saying fake it, if you fake it, it doesn't work. They'll see through it, they see it as manipulation. And they will see it as control as passive control, and they will actually rebel against it. Give them genuine love, genuine concern, open up to them

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and engage with them at the level of their innocence and the level of their mind. Become a novice, again, become a child again with them share their beautiful moments and experiences. And we'll talk something in a bit more depth about this, we will talk about how to create a family culture that is conducive for preparing our children for what's going to happen. Oh for the challenges they will face. So when you become a child with them, and you open up to them, whenever they want to speak, they find you there whenever they need help they find you there for them.

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Whenever they need your attention, they will you will be all ears for them.

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You will notice that they will come to you. Because you are the most trustworthy source in their life. They will tell you about their friends. And they will tell you about their own mistakes because they will feel safe.

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And this kind of myth will be completely debunked, that kids trust their teachers or they trust their friends. They trust people that age that don't trust their parents. No, because you have pushed them away for so long. You have judged them for so long, that they have learned not to trust you. And that's why they search for trust and for love outside the house. That's not a joke.

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And if this kind of trust is broken between the parents and the child, when the child goes to university, and they hear bombardment, and they hear challenging of the faith of their parents, specifically if they have scars, emotional scars, but you have to pray you haven't prayed. You smack them, you beat them up. You told them off. You cut them off for a couple of days you don't even talk to them. And that's hard for the child by the way. They might show resilience. They might show defiance, but the kids will wear a mask in that sense.

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Kids are very vulnerable, but they will seem defiant. But deep inside the trim the trembling with fear.

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They're very vulnerable. But because when you challenge their dignity, they will put on a mask, they will pretend that they are indifferent. They don't care.

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But when they're crying inside, but when you challenge their dignity, that's what they have to do, they have to wear a mask.

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So when you when that trust is broken, and there's a lot of trauma, about salah, you know, you have to pray and you beat them up when they don't pray. And you have to do this, you have to go to the masjid, I don't feel like going to the masjid, you beat them up, or you tell them off, or you disrespect them and so on so much trauma, when they go to university, and it tells them this religion, religions are a myth. They were created by this homosapiens or these early human beings in order to make sense of the world this, they wanted something to respect something to the created some, all these funny stories about where lives, how life started, where life came from, and so on

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and so forth. And, you know, there's no hellfire, there's no paradise, there's no last day, there's only life, we are just random chance that we came about into this existence. There's only the universe, why waste your life, everyone is enjoying the look at their friends, their colleagues that are enjoying their life, the drinking the smoking weed, they're going out with girls, and

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even our narrative, and there's something we'll talk about our narrative that we told them, If you disobey Allah, Allah will destroy your life. They look around, they see evidence to the contrary, like these people do everything that's haram, they seem to be enjoying their life. They're getting very good grades, they're graduating, they're getting job opportunities, and they seem to be happy. But I'm miserable. Put all of this together in one context, what's going to happen? That's so overwhelming, the so overwhelming.

00:41:51--> 00:41:55

So this is why we need to win over our kids. We cannot

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afford to create this disconnect with them. No way, knowing.

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And if it worked in certain societies, in certain environments, at certain times, maybe it worked. But it seems the signs today that this thing is not working anymore. This control, it might work out with some individuals, as I said, but for the majority of the kids, it will actually distance them from the parents. Later on with more doubts being they're bombarded with any university in high school, they will start questioning their faith. So how to prepare our kids for the future. There's a lot of things we can do teach them and obviously, teach them Islam and educate them and all that stuff. But if we do not build all of this, on things similar to what I described, as I said, these

00:42:44--> 00:42:59

are early attempts to address the issue, if we do not really address these issues and build that foundation, so when we teach them Quran and teach them Islam is based on this environment of love, and trust and care and attention and this strong connection between parent and child.

00:43:01--> 00:43:47

There will be a lot of cases where our education will go down the drain. And they will not help our younger generation and they might succumb to the calls of the people try to push them away from their faith and push them into atheism or agnosticism or cause them into sometimes even some different sexual orientation. So we need to create that emotional, safe, emotional, personal, family environment for our children. And by doing that we give them a very powerful foundation and standing to face the challenges that need a lot afterwards as well in terms of education, and in terms of learning. So ask Allah subhanaw taala to help us develop our kids and help them or equip them to

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face whatever challenges they will be facing in their times. And we ask Allah subhanaw taala to protect the younger generation of the Muslims Baraka light, frequent for your attention, and for listening and for your attendance in the first place. Masala Allahu wa salam ala Sayidina Muhammad, wa ala alihi wa sahbihi wa sallam, there will be by the way, q&a sessions during Inshallah, during the conference, so if you have a question, preferably write it down, or keep taking note. So inshallah you get to ask you a question. Hopefully, it will be answered Volokh. Luffy. Calm. So sentiment, if you have time. Absolutely. Yes. Yeah. We have five minutes for for one question or two

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questions. Anybody in this topic, though? First, is there's a brother here.

00:44:31--> 00:44:31

So

00:44:33--> 00:44:36

some people might listen to this, do I already have relationships?

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So what is the first step of repairing or moving towards bridging that gap? That's a very good question. Some families are already based on what we described as more excessive control, and lack of love, and so on and so forth. And how can we change this?

00:44:58--> 00:45:00

You don't have and this is

00:45:00--> 00:45:05

is one of actually an aspect of the Mercy of Allah subhanaw taala sometimes you don't need to fix your mistakes.

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What you need to do is undo them and you undo them. And that's a secret thing about humans. You know, children the number one thing that children crave is love, unconditional love.

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Unconditional Love. If you offer someone genuine love and care, you transform them completely and that's in the Quran. Not within your kids. Allah is talking about enemies. It vulnerability here so no say Yeah, someone treats you bad. Allah subhanaw taala saying respond with goodness. Respond with goodness is not your fake goodness. It's genuine goodness, genuine harass how the Prophet SAW Salem was, people would persecute him would physically attack him would speak bad about him. Yet the Prophet SAW Salem would be genuine he was really concerned for their guidance. What happened? Allah subhanaw taala change the hearts of a lot of them. So Allah Samantha saying infallibility, so Ceja

00:46:02--> 00:46:41

respond to evil with goodness genuine goodness for either lady be Nico Urbina who had our tongue cut. Now whether you want him lo and behold, the person with whom or who has enmity towards you, that will turn into a very close and intimate friend. One I will call her in the Latina Sabado Why am I will call her a little have nothing. So it requires a lot of patience, and requires a lot of Tofik from Allah subhanaw taala. But how to reverse the process is to change the attitude you don't control that child, you don't own them. This is a gift from Allah. It's a miracle from Allah, Allah has given it to me. And I'm gonna love this gift from Allah, I just love that person. He's my blood

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and my flesh is connected to my soul, she's connected to my soul. Love them from that you don't have you as a parent. It's your fitrah to love your kids. But all you need to do is pay attention, more attention to that and awaken it. And if you give the child genuine love, genuine love, that will that will actually suffice you and that will be more than more than enough then and better alternative than learning techniques. A lot of parenting techniques don't work without the real genuine love. By the way, if you use them, they will be seen they will be deemed by the child as cheap attempts for control and manipulation. The real secret about parenting the real secret is

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unconditional love even when you discipline them. Even if you're pointing their mistakes, do that with love, and it will be like a miracle.

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Yes