Gender Relations and Singles’ Frustrations

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Mohammad Elshinawy

Channel: Mohammad Elshinawy

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Episode Transcript

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Sonic everybody Bismillah Alhamdulillah wa salatu salam ala on early heels iVh rain will begin the name of Allah whole praise and glory to Allah and mais finest peace and blessings be upon His messenger Muhammad sallallahu alayhi wa sallam, and his family and his companions and all those who tried his path.

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So I was asked to speak about,

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I guess, gender relations and how from what I understood, to reconcile between, you know, the regulations that Islam puts in the interactions between gender relations, and between, you know, the, the pursuit of every youngster listening to me right now, which is finding their, their partner, their significant other their soulmate their spouse, so the end of it.

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And

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let's be straightforward. Many people look at our religion as a religion that is uptight.

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And we are not insulated from this public or common sentiment. And so we need to make sure we are constantly rehearsing and recalibrating about the correct way

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to understand these regulations, these restrictions, these reservations are conservations that we have as Muslims in our interactions with the opposite gender. You know, Allah subhanho wa Taala said, and so they are off pulling them I have run out of beer fella HML la hora, Mina in Houma. botlane say to them, oh Mohammed Saba love Adios, Allah My Lord has only forbidden in decencies, the apparent of them and the hidden and so there are many things that are immoral and indecent and dangerous, but they are simply hidden from us. And if we are

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even waiting as people to figure out the wisdom

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of Allah behind every last ruling, then we are not necessarily submitting to Allah or submitting to us being convinced of the rationale or the wisdom of a lot. You know, it is illogical to think that you would ever be able to fully understand the wisdom of the most wise Pinilla, tada, it doesn't make sense. And then where's the submission if I only submit to that, which makes sense.

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So, Allah reassures us that whether you realize it or not, whether your logic Can you know, can grasp it or not, this is only for your own protection. And you know, many times this like rebellious sogod

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sentiment attitude is echoed all around us like what why does God want this and what does God want from that and what does God want from us? And the Quran if you just visit it, it's pretty clear Allah subhanho wa Taala says, You read a la jolla to valet comm or you read to livina who wanna shadow IT intermedio mainland avina Allah wishes to open the doors for you to be, you know, accepted by him and forgiven by him. And those who are obsessed with desires obsessed with their carnal lowly, you know, animalistic appetites, they wish for you to swerve a great swerving to so that begins with straight on himself right shade on himself

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did this to our parents, it's that simple, right? He got them to give in and forget the instructions and give in to their most fundamental appetite, which is you know, food and drink. And so they ate from the tree and once they ate from the tree, but that's level message to whom

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their their private parts basically became apparent to them they noticed, you know, the human body in that sense in that lustful sense for the first time. And so he didn't just do that with our parents.

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Allah Subhana Allah says in that same sauce with the law of all these attributes from the law, by the way, so far, a law that says you have any ad Emma left in any commercial on all children of Adam, do not be tempted by shavon Do not be misled by shavon come off Raja AB la communal agenda, in the same way that he misled your parents and got them thrown out of Gen out of Paradise, NZ around whom le bass at home and he pulled off of them, their garments, they stripped them of their clothing, meaning as a result of their sin Liguria home, so it Hema, so that he may show them their nakedness show their nakedness to one another. And so that's like a primary objective shaitan to

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tempt you the way he tempted your parents and he follows this, you know, this method, you know, satiate yourself, you know, eat your field.

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And then once that's there, then you start looking at you know, the desires of you know,

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The lustful desires, the sexual desires. This is not that Islam is obsessed with sexualizing everything. On the contrary, Islam is cognizant of our reality as human beings. And the fact that shaitan flows through every single one of us and thus it addresses these things that we may underestimate what they could lead up to.

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And that's why he calls us to regulate our desires just to bring it full circle. You know, there's a hadith in incite Muslim, where the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam one time excused himself from his wife, I showed the love on her, and he stepped out of the house, you know, late into the night. And so when he returned, he noticed that she was bothered sorting her face and he said, What's wrong?

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With it, you become jealous, like he knows her look. And she said, one and she said, we're madly, like, automatically allometric Why wouldn't someone like me be jealous about someone like you?

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lamento and Mecca, they have to evolve. And he said, I thought you went to another one of your wives.

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And so he said to her, how could you fly? lakisha tanoak? Like, did your shaytaan grab a hold of you? How could you think that I would be unfair to you know, the Euro shaitan grab a hold of you. So I showed a little on how was kind of like taking it back. She said lm is a fun. I have a fun, like my own personal she thought God anon he said yes. So she wanted to make sure she wasn't abnormal. And she said, Well, I'm actually insane. Every human being has their own shaitan

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he said yes.

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And then she, she she asked the questions that only if she could ask.

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And if she didn't ask them we wouldn't even know these things. Right? I love you pleased with our mother Ayesha. She said, Well knock you till you gotta shake on you got your own shade on? And he said yes, we're like in Aloha.

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Either Niala he first lamb but Allah. Allah helped me against him. And so he submitted or surrendered. And does it mean surrender like gave up or surrendered means like, actually SLM became Muslim to the shape on become Muslim. And it appears that it shed on became Muslim because other narrations of this hadith say that fellow Muslim, he led the fight now he only suggests good things to me. And by the way, just disclaimer, nobody can ever say that, like, oh, by the way, my shaytaan became Muslim to Don't even try it. We got to talk about regulators and regulations of gender relations.

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Because it's just in our blood shavon knows these things about us. And so we need to get kept

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from swerving from being manipulated and demoted from the noble human purpose, higher purpose to serve God versus serve ourselves and serve these carnal appetites. I one last disclaimer I do want to say is that loving,

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you know, love is not Haram in Islam Falling in Love Is that how long maybe what you did to fall in love was hot off, you put yourself in a place where you were seeing or doing things you shouldn't be doing. And that's how wrong or you know, if you acted on it, even if you didn't do anything at all, and then it was quote unquote, love at first sight. That wouldn't be hot out at it. But if you act on it in a hot in a haram way, in an unlawful way, then it would be hard on but being in love in and of itself. This is not something looked down upon in Islam, even lusting, lust, you know, having this carnal physical desire for, you know, the sexual appetite that's not Haram in Islam, either. By

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the way, it's acting on it in the wrong way, meaning outside of marriage, that is what is hot off. And that's very unique about Islam. Islam does not call you to be an angel. But at the same time, as I just said earlier, Islam does not leave you

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to become an animal. And that is the reality. The reality is

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when you get into these appetites, that's what happens, you know, very interestingly and very scarily even the hell do you know the great great historian Muldoon, he says, it is a very common pattern. It's so predictable in every civilization, right before its demise right before it collapses.

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They fall into battle rage, they fall into extravagance and luxury. He says this is just crazy. Listen, it begins with luxury in food and drink to the point that they become so selective and so picky and they customize their foods and drinks is just pretty wicked. If you think about our life right now May Allah protect us right? Like you tell us I want this but not like this, but like that and this many pumps in there and hold the foam. And it's right you customize on your app the exact way you want your drink, forget your food. I'm not saying that's how long we're wrong. But it shows you that how weak you've become where you want things in a picture perfect way and that's not

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sustainable. He said

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And then after they customize their food and drink, then this lends itself to the sexual desire, once again, like the food, the treat, and then the sexual desire, he says, and then they give into hyper sexualization until they start customizing that. And you think about some of the public discourse nowadays, right of like gender fluidity and, you know, sexual orientations. And it's just, that's our nature. And Allah knows this about us. And he's protecting us from our from our self destruction.

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So yeah,

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that's the framework that you want to look at within appreciative eye, the gender relations guidelines in Islam. Now, let's look at them. They make perfect sense. Rewind all the way back. It's weed. Yeah, we don't say don't date. We don't say don't touch. We don't say you know, don't be alone. With the abbot. We say don't even look. It starts all the way back. With looking we are commanded to lower our gaze in Islam. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said to leave them with Allah, you know, another another Donald a second glance, follow up the first. That doesn't mean don't blink. That means after the inadvertent glance, that's it, you know, there's someone there

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that you're not allowed to sit to be looking at you don't stare at them.

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feign that I can lose like laughter The first one is forgivable. That's your right to be human basically. But the second look is not for you. And Jeb. What are the lines like a Muslim? He said, I asked the prophet SAW silent about the inadvertent glance and other other Fujairah.

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And Iranian also thought Well, sorry, so he commanded me to avert my gaze look elsewhere. And of course, all this is in the Quran, Allah subhanho wa Taala

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said to us call it a meanie and tell the believing men and also a fallen woman, I tell the believing women to lower their gaze and guard their justice. See, Allah knows that if we don't rewind, though, people think it's too much right?

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to rewind that far back in the precautions, but Allah knows that we need it because if you don't, if you don't take your gaze Seriously, this will Kindle inside of your flame and then the slippery slope will begin. That's why Allah subhanho wa Taala said elsewhere.

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Well at Aqaba, Xena Don't come near it. And this is not by the way, like every sin in Islam does not have the same language. There's very few sins that Allah knows have this magnetic pull because of our nature. And so we have to be extra careful with them. He says Don't come near for an occasion not Canada, Asia, or no, Canada, it is a horrendous immorality. It's an obscenity was set as a bead and it's a horrible road. You see, if you don't lower your gaze, it's a slippery slope all the way to fornication. You know, it's so profound about this ayah is that every single person, brother or sister that comes to me and says, I messed up, like I did the harm.

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And other machines have said this as well. They've said it in my presence as well. They always say, I don't know how that happened. That like I was sure it wasn't gonna happen, right? Like it wasn't gonna get that far. And it's exactly what I was saying. Don't come near it, because it's an ugly road. But

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also, fornication itself is on the road. It's not the end of the road. That's why I love it, don't come near it, it and then it is a bad road. Because once you get into this, it doesn't stop there. Right? That That is why I mean

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Yes, for sure. Some people could have an inborn attraction that this is their their ladder to Tacoma to resist their inborn attraction to the same sex. I don't understand this. And like we said, last thing, in and of itself, is not a sin in Islam. But why did this gets proliferated why this gets accentuated in our times, because when Xena itself became Halloween in the eyes of people in the masses and society, that's it people just, you know, they got they got numb to it. And so you want to try new things, right? That's where same sex acts gets proliferated from. And then after this becomes legalized, immediately we see in public discourse, the discussion, moving on to other

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things, right? Talking about maybe people that have you know, these tendencies to be, you know, into pedophilia, perhaps there's a biological backdrop to this all the same game all over again, right? It isn't, is a dark, ugly road

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to go down this

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path. And so Allah saved us at the beginning. Let whoever wants to make fun, make fun, like whoever wants to underestimate playing with fire or playing with sparks do so but sparks fly at the glances and so we're obligated to lower our gaze. I know we are in an image saturated world. I know it is not easy, but that's actually the reason why I'm spending so much time saying this is not like I'm saying it because I

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I live in a bubble. And

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so I'm telling you to do things that are impossible. No, I'm telling you to do things I know they're a struggle, but they're even more necessary now to rehearse these meanings than ever.

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You know, one time one of my teachers from a distance I didn't have the honor of sitting you know, under him to learn at length.

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He says that

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I was telling the guys lower your gaze lower your gaze, lowercase focus, you know, this could destroy you. This is the one thing is like a poison arrow from shaitan glance and, and then like, chefman, you have no idea I'm losing my mind trying to lower my gaze, it's like, it's, it's impossible. It's a war. Like I'm walking this way, there's a girl that the kid is telling the shift. And like, I turn around the other way, there's a woman thinking another Street, I like to my right to my left isn't and then I look up to make do I and there's a girl in the balcony.

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And so I get it, I get that every turn. But you need to create your own sanctuaries. Like, we do walk to these things, a lot of times with our own two feet, and we just need a little bit of honesty, right? You are subscribed to certain pages or certain personalities, that will violate your soul, they really will, they will corrupt your heart, they will render almost every act of worship you perform to Allah tasteless. And many of us know this, but we don't have the impetus

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to to break free. And so we need to figure out a way, everyone's going to figure out their own fix, right, the smartphones aren't going anywhere, we're past bashing smartphones, right? And so figure out your Fix, if it doesn't stop all the way and stop at that point, it will not stop. Then the next thing I want to say is

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our religion is also very practical. So if you have a need to look like physicians, or you know, you need to identify someone, or there's a misunderstanding, you need to make eye contact, or you're in an educational space, and you're the teacher and you need to ensure that people are understanding their you know, catching what you're saying. And all of these things are accommodated for in our city, our city has extremely practical, extremely flexible. And so lowering the gaze does have its exceptions, the same way that touching as exceptions, you know, I'm not going to tell you don't shake hands.

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Add to the interview, after you've gone through medical school, you know, and spend hundreds of 1000s of dollars if it could cost you your job, right? I'm not saying it will. But there are some people, especially in certain parts of the country that are like this, you know, if you don't shake hands, it's over. I'm not telling you it's okay. I'm telling you that tons of barrel conversations great barrel conversations started with me, putting my telling someone Forgive me, I don't have the right to touch you. If you have a minute, I'll explain to you why. And, you know, by Allah's grace, they've been very fruitful discussions. But

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the concessions have to remain concessions, the exceptions can never become the norm become the rule. We have to respect these guidelines. So these guidelines are lowering the gaze unless there is a legitimate need a legitimate passing need, you know, no touching the Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said again, Your Honor, hello computers he didn't know about and that's a helluva who, for one of you to

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be struck in his head with an iron or stabbed in his head with an iron needle is better for them than to touch a woman that he is not permitted to touch.

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You know, also halwa not being alone. Because no man and a woman are alone together except the JSON is there third, that means that he will get something out of the gathering. He could just you know, start some core deal.

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relationship he can sneak a joke sneak a words Nika a smile, sneak a wink sneak something to build on later. So I thought it's very strategic, by the way, you think, Oh, look, I've been in a conference room, you know, all the time with By the way, there's tons of you know, like, with the me to movement and everyone getting outed.

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I'm not saying that they're all unjustified. But it just shows you how much more we need these regulators in the modern, you know, sophisticated, progressed world, but many people now someone told me Keanu Reeves doesn't shake hands anymore. Okay, welcome to shediac.

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You know,

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so these things are for our own good. And sometimes by the way, it's not even about wrongdoing. It's about also your, your reputation as someone that was involved in wrongdoing. That's also a big part of it. You should care what people think about you.

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And that is why, for example, when you need to sit with someone, there's a need, for example, the proposal and I'll get to that now, the proposal phase or the engagement phase in marriage. Is it permissible for us to sit in a public space?

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Yes, it is. But that doesn't mean it is recommended or should

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Be Done. Because unless people know that you're engaged, they could think you guys are dating. And that is not good. And that is something a Muslim should care about. And the Prophet alayhi wa sallam did care about how he represented Islam, and about how people for the people sake as well, what they thought of him. And so you want to be protective of yourself, and also your image.

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And of the benefits of that, by the way, is that when people start looking you at you in a certain light, you kind of live up to that image you given, like all everyone thinks I'm a bad person anyway. So I might as well be a bad person. And you give yourself the past based on this happens a lot, not realizing that you were the one that triggered them seeing you in that light. And so be careful of projecting blame on what we were complicit in.

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Don't want to branch out too far. So no. Unnecessary looking, no touching no being alone, no man or woman are alone together, the shutdown is their third.

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And then now if all that is in place, then how in the world do you Muslims get married? We get that a lot, right? If you guys don't date, you don't touch you don't set you know, how do you get married?

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If you don't date, realize that is actually the dumbest criticism in the world. Because the people who do date, how successful are their marriages, like with all due respect, like keep your, you know, your charges to yourself? You know, in the United States, for example, I think the University of Pittsburgh put out this study, do you know the percentage of people that actually marry their first love their first love less than 1%.

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And so what that what that means is in you know,

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in very practical terms, is that, you know, you felt that you had to invest your heart fall in love many times, yes, it's a self inflicted, like I said before, and then you got disappointed. And if it was your first love, you were probably very naive to so you probably told each other all the bad secrets. And then you broke up means you probably hate each other. Which means now both of you have ammo on each other, and it just gets ugly, it becomes social currency. As you know, in here all the time, you know, University's newest spent over 20 million or the $20 billion to cover up sex crimes, sexual abuse that happens on campus or on students or with students from their campus.

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So they invested their heart, break up heartbreak, disappointment, do it all over again, then you finally get married, after being psychologically accustom to sudden separation. And then you wonder why the marriage fails? And then you ask, why did God do this to me? Right? It's just insanity. And so don't ever let someone come up to you and say, how do you guys get married, if you don't date? Well, that's because you you're assuming, you know, you've inherited from this culture, that you have to love a person before you marry them.

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And

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Islam is

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cognizant of the fact that physical attraction is important, but physical and emotional attraction, these are deferred, they're pushed back in Islam, until the more important fundamental

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skeleton foundations of the relationship are verified. You see, basically what happens is when you are attracted from first sight, and then you allow, you know, the, the the warm relationship to transpire, you have already

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made your decision and this is the person for me. And so you read everything in the, you know, in a way that would justify your presuppositions, your pre determinations. And so we do all the time, like, What do you mean, there's so religious? How do you know their religious look at this Facebook status? like really? Is that is that religiosity that's a sad, you know, superficial way to be reading things do you think you know, someone posting something to see how many people possibly This is how many people are gonna like it and share it means that when push comes to shove behind closed doors, their character character is going to

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you know, sustain and

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accommodate the problem that at hand. Anyway, so

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Islam says, check for compatibility First Person of character, a person of true religious commitment, when, when that is ascertained, if you saw them first, fine, but don't let that develop. That is why the concept of a mushroom a chaperone needs to be there so that you know it's strictly business.

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There's nothing soft and warm and cuddly about it. You leave the chocolate covered strawberries for later. And after that is the case, by the way, islamically speaking, there's no timeline for this, but you should know that in Islam, Islam differentiates between

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You know, the proposal slash engagement between the kneecap or marital contract and between the actual wedding or consummation moving in together. And that is so genius, because in the proposal engagement period, this requires a chaperone because you want to know, like, are we compatible or not? Because that's the assumption that love at first sight exists, and it doesn't really exist, this is not love, this is longing or could be better described as longing. And the problem is that longing expires upon meeting upon the encounter. It does. Whereas Love is something that evolves, it takes different forms. And, you know, it develops within the marriage, it develops through, you

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know, through getting through difficult times together through supporting one another through seeing each other's character through caring for one another, all of this right, that's why Allah subhana wa, tada said, he created for you tranquility in your spouse's, and he put in that relationship, melody, that sentiment, like affection, and mercy. So there's acts of affection, you know, words of kindness, acts of kindness, you know, passion for the good times, and then there's mother's mercy for the bad times. That is where the sakeena the piece of marriage comes from, that's where it comes from. And so you want to make sure this person has that for you. And so that's what happens. You

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find this out, how compatible are we, you know, intellectually, emotionally, educationally, you know, life plans, career plans, you line this up first, are we aligned enough. And of course, you need to be practical, because people are too idealistic. And they, they age out of the desirable age brackets all the time, because they're too idealistic. But then after this, then there is the contract phase, the contract phase is what I would call the Hillel dating phase. You know, why, because Islam separates between the contract and the actual consummation. They're actually rulings that differ in terms of how much of the mother the bridal the gift that you have to pay to the woman

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needs to be paid, and so on. And so there is a difference. And so you now can get to know one another on a deeper level. To make you more confident this was the right decision, you can go out together alone, you can, you know, see each other in ways you didn't see each other in the past. And then at the back end of this

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is the consummation itself or moving in together. itself. The most important advice I want to tell people

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is, I know you don't depend on your parents to get you married. Because you're like society told you arranged marriages are bad. And I'm not necessarily saying arranged marriages are good. But it really depends on what you're saying about arranged marriages, like arranged marriages and forced marriages. Yes, that's bad. But arranged marriages is in like, I'm suggesting someone for you. Check them out. Yeah. If your friends can suggest, why shouldn't your parents be able to suggest they care about you more and know about you more than your friends, but let's just make a mental note of that. But if you're not going to be trusting your parents who are not as emotionally invested in you, and

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emotionally blindfolded as you regarding the choice of the spouse, don't trust at least don't depend on yourself. Don't trust yourself so much in choosing

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that is conflict of interest. They call it a business, right? Don't do that. You know, if you ask a bunch of people,

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and they tell you this is a perfect person to marry the right people, not people that are yes Sayers. And you know, already, they're gonna just tell you, yeah, go for it. Forget your parents. And if they all tell you, this is the right person. I see. I know you I know them. It's a good match. And then the marriage doesn't work out. You're gonna say Subhanallah like I did everything I could have possibly done. There's no way for me to have known I you know, I asked the right people, I had a like an objective list or like a well thought out list. I prayed, my God I saw a council with a lot to admit to him that all of us together our investigation means nothing in front of your

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supreme knowledge, you would have no reason to, it would be so much easier to take the the the hit, if the hit has to happen. But if everyone told you no, I want you to imagine the reverse scenario. Everybody told, you know, don't marry clear as day it's not going to work.

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He or she no good for you. And you still

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go the stubborn route and marry that person and then it doesn't work out. You're going to want to kill yourself 10 times more Why? How did I not know this was gonna happen? The whole world told me this was gonna happen. Right? And so don't trust yourself too much. Trust almost everybody

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more than yourself, and then trust a lot more than you trust everybody with istikhara

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and marriages that is, I'll end there the prophet SAW Selim said about Khadija in Nero Ziff to hookah I was provided her love, a lot carved into my heart.

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And that is why having a relationship I love relationship with Allah. Right divine love in the right way, is the best way. Number one to fulfill your purpose but also to secure yourself and be fulfilled by marriage. That's a subject on its own, but loving properly, you know, loving a lot most. And then not allowing anything to infringe on the love of Allah. You know, meaning your relationship with Allah before the marriage during the marriage is not

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thwarted, is not compromised by this love. That is the biggest guarantor to Allah providing you too with love with that blessing. It's a huge blessing to love someone and be loved by someone and find some peace in that and find companionship and we all need that a lot created, add them at least that I'm spouse for him for that reason, more than anything else, you know, so that he may find repose. That's what the ISS Yes, marriage and yes, the desire. Yeah, but it was companionship above all. So that's a huge blessing. But who can provide that blessing who is are reserved for the provider of risk of provisions? That's a lot. And that's why one of the Senate, he said, and I'll end there,

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either Arata, Fatima fella, Buddha and takuna Alia. If you want Fatima, the daughter of Mohammed you have to be elite, meaning a lot of lines these things up. And if you want to LA you need to be Felton. So there are laws or agenda right for us and you the best citizen of this world and the next and grant us companions that will accelerate us on our path towards him and rectify us for our companions already married and our companions for us so that it's a means towards his pleasure and not slowing us down from reaching that pleasure of the most great Subhana Allah dot there's like a lovely let's open the floor for questions inshallah.