Living Islam – Raising a Muslim Child #08
Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig
File Size: 29.16MB
To learn a little
bit Alameen wa salatu salam ala Shara Colombia with mousseline my mother sort of nice a mama Heidi you early you're
just leaving Catherine cathedra mulatto mother will sisters.
Today there is one big,
you know, call it a misunderstanding call it an argument or whatnot about the
role of parenting. So you have on the one hand, of course you have parents who are and I don't I mean I maybe I'm not right in saying that but I my my understanding is that
not too many of them but some parents are very oppressive and very autocratic and, and hard and harsh. Obviously there is nothing to recommend there that that must not happen. There's no doubt about that. But on the other hand, there are many parents who are like our liberal politicians, for example, everything goes right there are no boundaries, you can do whatever you like. Now, in the raising of children, that is the biggest weakness that is the biggest trap. Because the reality of life is that children
appreciate and respect boundaries. Boundaries are like seatbelts,
they save you from harm, they save you from disaster boundaries are safety nets, if you if you happen to fall, nobody says do not go on the trapeze. Nobody says do not go on the high wire, but there is a safety net. If you fall, then you are you will not perish you will not die you will be caught in the safety net. Now without boundaries, it's like trying to do the high wire without
without a safety net. If you do well, good for you. If you don't do well, there is no second chance because you have finished yourself, you have destroyed yourself. Now, this is very, very important. So the biggest mistake that parents make is not to define boundaries. Now parents, most parents, many parents today seem to be as I said, you know that they are like our liberal politicians, they are focused on being within courts friends, to their children at the expense of parenting. Now in this endeavor, they bend over backwards, trying to be nice to children, and do whatever children want them to do. Now, children by nature, and this is what Allah subhanaw taala has put into them.
They are highly manipulative. And they are highly manipulative from an age where they are not even doing it consciously. So it's not as if they're evil, they're not evil. This is programmed into them as a survival technique, that they are able to manipulate their environment for their benefit. So that's why children cry. That's why children throw tantrums. That's why children sulk, and so on and so forth. The whole thing there is, as I said, they're not being evil, it's just that they are trying to manipulate and change the environment, to their convenience. Because that is a survival technique that Allah subhanaw taala has programmed into them.
So they will do that. And the more parents bend over backwards, you will find that the more children we manipulate them, in order to get what they want, even though
what they want is not good for them. Now, children, especially younger children do not have that level of discretion. And they don't have the level of differentiation, to know what is good for them and what is not good for it. If children knew all of this from be funded from day one, there would be no need for parents, right? They wouldn't be running for parents so children could grow on trees. The point the reason why you have parents is to so that the parents can guide the children and show them what is good and what is not good. And do that in a way where it is
where it goes into their system. And they get a set of good strong values and virtues.
Don't get intimidated by anyone trying to tell you that Oh, but this is conditioning and this is you know you are you are
pre programming children and so on. There's nothing to be apologetic about conditioning children for success. So if somebody says, Are you conditioning your children's Yes, I am conditioning myself. I am conditioning my children to be good human beings. I'm conditioning my children to be honest, and to be truthful, and to be law abiding. I'm conditioning my children to be kind to people to be compassionate to be helpful. I'm conditioning my children to follow the rules of Islam. Right. It's not there's nothing to be apologetic about that. So don't let people
you know sort of browbeat you into saying Oh, but you see you are compelling them and so on. There is no company understand this one thing very clearly lycra within. There is no
Competition religion applies to those who are not Muslim. Until you are Muslim, there is no compulsion on you. You need not become a Muslim you need not ever accept Islam you can die without Islam. No problem, right? What happens to you if you die without Islam is your lookout, that's a different issue, but nobody, no Muslim, individual or government or force or no Muslim scholar or whoever will or should compel you to accept Islam, no. Persuasion, yes. Presenting Islam to us because we would like the best for you, we have it, we follow something which we consider to be the best. And we would like you to follow that because it is also good for you, we love you. Therefore,
we want to give you what we consider to be good for us. What I consider considered very good for myself, I'm not giving you garbage, I'm not giving you my my customer clothes, I am giving you the best thing which I have. I have nothing more valuable than Islam. And I would like to give that to you. I would like you to have it. But I'm never ever going to force you. First of all, I can't even force you. But if I want to. Because religion is a matter of belief, belief is a matter of the heart. Nobody can force it. The whole issue of of forcible conversions and so on is a lot of it's a lot of garbage. There's no such thing. People convert because they like to convert people convert
because they want to convert, and then they can convert back out man happens all the time people become Muslim, then they leave Islam, right. So there is no lag and if it did, there is no compulsion in religion is for people who are not Muslim. There's no compulsion on that. But once you enter Islam, Allah subhanaw taala said, yeah, you will live in Amman. Oh, hello Faasil Mika fatten. Well, I thought of you who are T shirts are in the whole Komodo movie. And that's it. Oh, you really enter into Islam completely and totally
total immersion. Totally accept Islam in every single way.
And do not follow the footsteps of shaitaan because he is for you an open and clear enemy. Right? Sure. That is the enemy in the shaitana do for the fact of Huizhou I do why lazur Very rich data is your enemy, and you become his enemy. You become his enemy. So the whole point here is that for the Muslim I'm not surprised that I said all you believe enter into Islam completely. What does it mean? It means that in Islam as a Muslim selective obedience is not an option. Select the obedience is disobedience because if I'm selecting out say for example, there are three issues. If I'm silly. For example, there is Salah there is a cat, the first particular legalistic the pillars. The first and
foremost is the heat of a shadow Lila, lower shadow sooner. So there is story then there is Salah, and there is a cat and there is fasting and the Hajj to some of the guys say that three years I believe only in Allah subhanaw taala and Salah also I will pray, but zakaat I don't think I need to give zakat I will not give zakat, then I'm not a Muslim. I am out of Islam. I'm not a Muslim, so well he has no I will give zakat, but I will not. I don't think it necessarily I will not go for it, I am refusing to go for Hajj, then I am out of Islam. The whole point of Islam is that we follow Islam in every aspect and that is because a Muslim is one who has submitted to Allah subhanaw taala.
So the thing to ask ourselves as, as parents as Muslims and as parents is, Have I submitted to Allah Samaritan, this think about this word submission, what is the meaning of submission? Submission mean? Submission means that any time think about listen carefully, submission is no submission when you are doing something that you want to do anyway. Right? There's no submission in that it may be what the religion, what the religion dictates or what the religion prescribes, but I want to do it anyway.
So I am
It is not it cannot be called submission. Right? Because there is nothing there's nothing that I am submitting to this, I'm doing something which in any case, I would have done, or I would like to do. submission comes into play only when there is a tenor of the religion where there is a dictate of the religion where there is a rule of religion that I really do not like to do. It goes against my desire. I find it inconvenient. I find it difficult I find it whatever right so it's against my my inner desire. But I say no, because my lab wants me to do this because Allah subhanaw taala wants me to do it, I will do it. That is the meaning of submission. There is no submission when in any case
you want to do something. So for example, Allah subhanaw taala told us to
pray at the five prescribed times. So I will pray at those five prescribed times, even though one or more of those times may be inconvenient to me in terms of my job in terms of my work and whatever I'm doing, I'm busy. I'm looking at something and what rise No, I will stop doing this. And I will go and pray and I will come back and come back to this because this is what my rep Jelena Lewis ordered.
Take, for example, the, you know, different aspects of Islam, eating halal, for example,
not dealing in interest, for example, there are so many things, which are,
within quotes, inconvenient, within quotes, something that everyone else does. And if I say well, I will not borrow on interest, but I want to have a house of my own and how will I have it I don't have the capital to buy and the only low only loans that are available are interest bearing loans from banks. So what do I do? Do I say Alhamdulillah? I will make dua to my IRA to give me the sources until then I will live in a rented house. Or do I go for shopping
until I find somebody who is you know scholars for dollars. Somebody gives me a fatwa, which is convenient for me. And then I do what I want to do anyway, which one is submission?
So Allah subhanaw taala told us to submit and this is a very, very important thing to understand. And don't get intimidated. Don't get, you know, don't feel apologetic about it. We have submitted to Allah subhanho wa Taala we have submitted to Islam, which means that we will practice Islam in every aspect of our lives. And part of the practice of Islam is to bring up our children as Muslims
is to show them what is right and wrong according to Islam is to teach them how to behave it is to teach them how to worship Allah subhanho wa taala. It is to teach them what is private and what is permitted.
Forget about the world let the world call this indoctrination. No problem. Yes, it is. It is positive indoctrination. Yes, it is. And we are proud of it and Alhamdulillah
there is nothing wrong with that.
Everyone is doing it everyone is doing it for all kinds of things.
We are doing it for the pleasure of Allah subhanaw taala we are doing it to create a beautiful environment of caring and concern around us. We are doing it by submitting to Allah smiles at the moment I said I am Muslim, I am not anything else.
So that is the issue of
setting boundaries and not bending over backwards, to please children, and to try to be within quotes, so called friends for children, and doing whatever the children want them to do.
Now bow boundaries. Even people do this, the boundaries are never firm, and they're never clear. And they're always open to negotiation. And so therefore, children push the boundaries until they get what they want from parents who have confused parenting with being friendly.
Parents must remember that the children can have many friends, but they have only two parents.
Parents have been assigned the role of parenting.
Every other role is optional. Every other role is optional.
For the wife, even to take care of her husband is not a prescribed role. Parenting to take care of her children is a prescriber. If she's taking care of her husband, this is a favor she's doing on him.
IMANI Mirandola in the view that says that the Muslim man is supposed to provide his wife with cooked food,
not make her cook. If she is cooking, she's doing a favor to him.
But for the taking for taking care of children, that is our primary responsibility or private responsibilities not do anything else is not working in the house outright doubt that no is our primary responsibility is to take care of the children and to give and to for their tarbiyah to raise them as good Muslim children.
This is the level of importance of the role of parenting.
For the man the role of parenting also is there but he also has an additional role of providing materially for the family. So he has to go out and earn or earn in Victoria Walters Mustaine but he has to earn to take care of the family that is his primary role and also parenting his role. So he's not he's not free from parenting. But for the for the woman for them. For the mother parenting is the primary role and that's my nervous system said the the generalized under the feet of the mother.
So every other role is optional. Parenting is the only assigned role and that is the reason why we must fulfill it.
First and foremost, and Allah subhanaw taala will hold us accountable for this. Now I understand this another thing, which is that children are forever testing boundaries. So these must be clear what is negotiable, what is not negotiable. For example, children can disagree with parents on issues, provided they do so district. They do so, respectfully.
They must learn that cheekiness is not cute, it is insulting. That joking and insulting are two different things. That assertiveness is to insist on your rights without violating the rights of others. aggressiveness is to violate the rights of others. One is commendable, and the other one is reprehensible and deplorable.
The caring of your environment, for example, taking care of the house, office, bathroom, car, garden, pets, is your job, meaning the job of the children, the job of the parents, and not the job
for the children to be immediately the musty them this, that taking care of your environment, your surroundings is your job. It's not the job of your parents to take care of your clothes and take care of your room and to take a clean your room and do this and do that and take care of your pets. No, this is your job, you are supposed to do that. And it's also not the job of servants. Servants may clean the house once in a once in a day or something. But not every time the child makes a mess. This must be absolutely clear. It's a common sight, especially in Southeast Asia, in India, Pakistan, Bangladesh, all of these countries.
Middle East also, especially in wealthy family homes, to see the mother or a servant picking up after the child who is a moving litter creator.
Children must understand that making a mess in the home.
Or their own room is not acceptable.
That their room is theirs, but not to do with as they please. And that the rules of the home apply even inside the room.
On this subject, let me talk a little bit more about privacy as well. Because this is another big misunderstood thing. So it begins with first First of all, sometimes you go to people's houses, and you see the children's rooms with some extremely rude posters on stuck on the door.
basically telling people keep out and nobody can come in and whatnot, what are they very rude things. So first and foremost, rule to understand is this, that, yes, you as a son or daughter, you as a child have a right to privacy. But that right to privacy includes your parents, your parents are not excluded from your privacy. Meaning that your parents have access to your room, your parents have access to your stuff, whatever it is, including nowadays, thanks to smartphones and whatnot, your parents have access to your smartphone, your parents have access to and they have the they are entitled to read your messages if they wish to do so. Right? This is very important to understand.
On the other hand, at the same time, I would say to parents that go a bit easy on this, especially issues of smartphones, issues of reading messages and so on, do it if there is a real reason why you need to do it not otherwise.
But make it very clear to children that if they change passwords, those password must be known to the parents if they are not known the form will be confiscated.
Be very clear about this, because as long as you are living in this house, you are subject to the rules of the house and these are the rules of the house we cannot have a house in which somebody is living in their own way and doing their own stuff. And that is where sometimes some very tragic things happen and the parents are the last people to come to know because of this whole privacy issue.
Yes, you have a right to privacy, but that privacy includes the parents.
So be Please be very clear about this. That also means in you know parents have access to the room so you cannot block yourself from inside. Parents will be able to come in and they can come in at any time. Of course they will knock on the door and come they just won't just walk in but they will knock on the door and they will come
and they might go into your room when you're not at when you are not at home and you don't you will run you will not lock the room and go have no
so these are things to be very made very clear because that these are safety issues. These are hygiene issues. These are these are security issues. And these are issues of raising children. So be very clear in your mind and keep these boundaries very, very clear and open. And then of course inshallah you have grown children in such a way that you don't need to do any of this handling. That's good, but get to that point does
doesn't happen automatically. Second thing is, especially in this culture in America, there is a habit of children
making money out of doing work around the house. Now, I personally am totally against this, because the home belongs to the people who live in the home. To clean my room, nobody else needs to pay me to clean my bathroom, nobody needs to pay me.
Right there is nobody has to pay me for that. And it must be cleaned. It's I cannot I can't say this is my bathroom, it can stink i It's my room, it can look like a garbage dump. No,
it must, it must, the room and your bathroom. And yes, and your personal stuff must be to the level and the standard of what is the what is the understanding of quality in the house.
The house is not a garbage dump. So your room cannot look like a garbage dump. You can't throw things everywhere must be beds beds must be made cupboards must be arranged shoes must be in the racks, they must be properly furnished and taken care of. Whatever you have, if you have pets, those pets must be properly looked after. They must be taken care of. And it's not the job of the mother or the father to do that. And not a job of any someone to do that it's your job. And therefore you will not be paid for it because you're not doing it for somebody else. It is your home, you have a right to live in this house, you are most welcome to live in this house, which means that you will
take care of the house, and nobody is going to pay you for that.
make this very clear. At the same time. If you have some other projects that you want the children to do, in order to get something then no problem with that you can give them those projects.
But routine maintenance, taking care of Commons taking care of common spaces taking care of common facilities, this is part of living at home, it is part of growing up. It is part of learning responsibility and accountability. It's part of taking care of each other. And this is not something that you need to be paid for or told about or forced to or compared to this is something that is part of your life must be part of your
your your timetable for the day, and this is what you must do. Third very important thing also is to
teach children that value is not equal to cost.
For example, the cost of learning may be negligible, but the value of knowledge is immeasurable.
And so the scholar must be respected and honored for his knowledge, even if he's poor.
The muddy handprints of your little daughter may well have ruined your armor his shoe suit, when she rushed to give you a hug when you returned, but the value of the hug is far more than the value of the suit.
So you keep silent and return her hug with a bigger one. And add a kiss as a word Boris and send your soul to the cleaners.
The Broken Heart of a little girl is much more costly to repair. Children must be taught that mud and brick structures that they live in is a house not a home that we have in America is a big thing. Oh, I bought a home you don't buy a home. You buy a house to build a home.
So no matter how big your house is, there is always something which is bigger and shinier and taller and wider and more beautiful.
How expensive or big it is does not show how happy and contented are the people who live in it.
And it's the happiness and contentment that make it a home not modern brick.
Possessions add cost, not value.
I have a 9595 94 year old friend and his 8686 or 88 year old wife
who live in us
in a small two bedroom ranch style house, which he built himself
had hairpiece and his wife Charlotte
have built the house himself from scratch from leveling the land upwards. He built the foundation he built the whole basement then he built the house. He did all the electrical, they did all the plumbing, he did the painting he did everything.
The small ranch style house
that children have been there, the children grew up there and they live there you go into the see the house. It's
straight like this.
But you go into the house it's so beautifully taken care of. We will look at the garden it's so beautifully taken care of.
You can see how these two very old people she's 88 is 94.
You can see how much of love and affection they put into this house and how much how content
How beautiful is their life if you go and watch them
with each other, the children love them, the grandchildren love them.
That is a home sort of house.
And there are other million dollar houses of multimillion dollar houses
which are full of strife and fighting and all of that.
Homes are not bought houses or bought. Homes are made. Possessions add cost, not value.
Teach children to use things and value people not to value things and use people
teach them that Troy's break. When friendship grows.
Children must be taught that humans have more intrinsic value than anything material, which can be bought or sold or junk.
That cars brands expensive clothing, watches, gadgets, material possessions, houses, none of these add value.
They do not add value to the people who possess them, or use them. Anyone sensible will seek to add value to himself not cost.
People who believe that possessions add value or seek to convince others of this have no value themselves.
You are not your shoes, you're not your your your shirt, you're not your pen, you're not your watch, you're not your car.
People who think that that these things add value to them to themselves are actually people who have low self esteem
and are seeking to lower the value of the human being. Children will be taught that a car no matter how expensive is transportation is not a symbol, except perhaps of poor financial sense. It is bad judgment which makes someone put huge amounts of money into a depreciating asset.
A shirt is a piece of clothing, it's not a statement. A watch is meant to tell the time not to tell the world and shoes are meant to walk in not to define the worth of the one who was in them.
None of these define you. They are not statements nor indicators of what kind of human being you are. It's your character, your actions, what you stand for your principles, your values, which define you, not what you possess. What you possess can be stolen or taken away from you. Your character, your values, your principles are the stuff of memories that you leave behind.
By these you will be remembered, honorably, or otherwise,
live our lives such that you will be remembered with honor. Teach children these things by personal example because there is no other way.
That's the only way to teach them because I keep saying all the time children listen with their eyes. They don't care what you say, until they see what you do.
Children will be taught the value of money, the value of earning it, investigate and making it on for you. They must learn the difference between spending and investing.
They must be trained to become wealth creators. Not simply spenders.
It must be taught that spending is to incur an expense for something that can give no return and depreciates in value. Investing is to incur the same expense or something that gives a return.
Buying Tesla is an expense buying Tesla shares is an investment. spenders are fools who don't know how to use their money. Investors are smart value creators who will get richer and richer, not able to and are able to help others to build their own to build their own akhira.
Let them see who buys expensive cars, handbags, watches jewelry and clothes, who spend money on expensive tickets to watch sports matches races and mindless entertainment in the light of this criteria.
And then let them see others who spend far less on books on learning on helping others and investing in earning assets using the same criteria. Then let them decide who they want to emulate.
Children learn to handle money where actually handling money. So give them an allowance and then ask them to present monthly p&l accounts, profit and loss accounts and an annual balance sheet.
Teach them how to budget see what the headings are in your in that balance sheet
and under which they spend their allowance. See if they found ways to make the allowance earn for them instead of simply spending it on consoles.
Show them the alternatives that they may have missed.
Once children see how they will actually gain and have more money by this kind of thinking you're one.
See if they spend some money, in charity on the welfare of others, is there? Is there a heading called Charity? Guide them by example, teach them to be rich, because being rich or poor is a state of mind, not to how much you possess.
And what is it is to a wonderful documentary called Four Horsemen do see that and you will find the link for that in the description of this video.
See Four Horsemen to understand how our global financial system works. And now how now they have literally legalized bank robbery, and how they create financial crisis to make billions out of them. It is essential while being robbed, at least to understand how we're being robbed.
As Frederic Bastiat says, When plunder becomes when plunder becomes a way of life for a group of people living together and society, they create for themselves in the course of time, a legal system that authorizes it, and a model cord that glorifies it.
And that is why it's very important to get the right values. First. More in the next session, inshallah was another holiday we'll carry while it was me as mean that I'm going to go on while I was Allamani going off to labor