Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it Session 19 Respect is the foundation of love

salam ala Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa salatu salam ala shuffelin VA will mousseline Muhammad Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sahbihi wa sallam doesn't even consider and cathedra Mavado. My brothers and sisters, this is the final one.

Talk about marriage, I want to end with this particular thing, because I think it's a very important message that I want to leave with all of you

that messages to understand one thing very, very clearly. And that is that in Islam, a marriage is a contract. It is a legal contract between two adults, the man and the woman. And they are both completely they not their parents, not the grandparents, not their

teacher, mom, or whoever they themselves are completely and totally in control of the situation. Firstly,

what does that mean? It means that before, not after, before the contract is signed, before the NECA is done, both the bride and the groom, both the man and the woman, I don't say boy and girl, because boys and girls don't get married men and women get married. So both the man and the woman have the right

to say no, if they don't want to get married, they don't have to give reasons. They can just say no, they can say that in public, they can say that in private, or whatever.

Which means that they are in complete control. It doesn't matter. Somebody can say that my father forced me mother forced me nobody can force you because you Allah has given you the right to say no. Now, once you get married, what does that mean? It means that you said yes.

There is no other way in Islam, that the marriage is legal. If you did not say yes, the marriage would not have happened, the judge the Harvey would not have done the marriage. The witnesses are bearing witness to the fact that you agreed you meaning both parties. Now, once that is over, remember, that is a responsibility. Right? That is a responsibility. It's a responsibility on both parties, to do their best to ensure that you make it work. Please understand a marriage is not magic. It is not

a drama. It's not something that you are doing temporarily, just to have some fun. It is not something that is you know, just Harper Hagoromo was the Buddha Buddha killing. Now you have this male dog and the female doll and you're conducting this marriage thing. A marriage is a serious commitment, understand the word commitment to each other, what does it mean to code but commitment means that you are undertaking to fulfill the rights of the other you are saying that I will do whatever it takes to keep you and make you and keep you happy. Now the only boundary there when I say whatever it takes the only boundary there is I will not do something which is against the

Sharia. If they if you want me to do something which by Islam, my Deen prohibits that I'm sorry, I can't do that. But anything outside of that anything which is not does not violate the Sharia. I will do to make you happy and to keep you happy. And I will not do that as a chore as a masiva as a as a as a painful exercise. I will do that joyfully. I will do that because I would love to do that. I go out of my way because I want to go out of my way there's nobody holding a gun to my head is I'm doing it because I love to do that. I'm doing that because this is what I love my wife, I love my husband and therefore I would like to please now believe me are my brothers sisters. With 36 years

in it, I can tell you, this is the within course the magic formula if you are interested in knowing what is the magic formula Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah.

Now,

if you don't do that the opposite is equally true. Because if you get married, and then you are not willing to put in enough effort into that marriage, and then you start looking here and there believe me

shaitaan is waiting for that

shaitan does not like anything better than to destroy a marriage

and say that we'll send these agents and those agents will look very attractive to you. Right? And may Allah forgive you because

If you destroy the happiness of this person who gave you a commitment to

and then you run behind some other agent of shaitan who is dialing there

like bit

then you will pay and you will pay a very heavy price.

Because remember, I always tell people this which is

what say the Alibaba Rolando said they asked him what is the biggest nevermind jack in this life? He said what is the acid in this life? What is the biggest blessing of Allah subhanaw taala now obviously EMA and good health and so on and so forth. We are not talking about that these are, these are givens and they are all very, very great blessings. They are they said in terms of what Allah gives you inherit the blessings of Allah, He said, What is the best, he said Imperato salah. He said a woman who is pious.

Right now, obviously, the opposite is equally true. A man who is bias. This is the greatest blessing that you will have absolutely the greatest blessing. But remember one thing very clearly.

Remember one thing which is very clear, which is very clear, which is that that blessing can also turn into something which you and because of what you do or choose not to do, this blessing can become a problem for you. And you know why? Because remember, that Imperato salah, that woman whose pious is connected to Allah, that man whose pious is connected to Allah.

And if you hurt them enough,

and you are hurting them because you think they have nowhere to go, because they are helpless. Maybe that poor girl has no parents or something or there is no one to support her, no one to help her. And you feel this, you know, toxic masculinity

and you feel that she is your slave, and that you can treat her any way you like, believe me.

The greatest blessing in the world is when that woman in that job, she lifts her hands, or in sojo, she makes dua for husband.

Similarly, if that woman in the Hadith, lifts her hand, and says yeah, Allah, I have nobody

and the one who has nobody has you. You are Rubble, Musa Rafi, you are rubble must you mean you are horrible Masaki. You are the rub of the week. You are the rub of the oppressed. You are the rub of the poor of the desolate and the and the desperate.

Allah Humann sordoni Allah helped me

my brother, believe me,

you will find such a fire lit under your backside that you will not you will not have even time to regret it.

Please understand this.

Do not trouble

a good woman.

And the same thing applies to the ladies. Do not travel a good man.

If he is pious, if he treats you well.

If he respects you, if he takes he takes care of your needs.

Leave him alone.

Pray for him. Now go for it.

And similarly, for the woman. If she is good to you, she takes care of you. She is pious. She's connect wireless monitor. Don't travel and

do not travel.

If you travel her

that you are quite literally playing with fire.

Your life will get blighted so badly

that you will cry tears of blood in this life. And then when you die on the Day of Judgment, she will stand before the throne of Allah subhanho wa Taala and catch your neck and Allah subhanaw taala she will have to answer for what you made her pay

is not easy. Please understand this. A marriage is the most beautiful thing that can happen to you.

And you have the power to keep it beautiful, or the power to turn it into a curse. Your choice

is not fun and games. It's not a drama.

It is a serious commitment. When you gave your word and you said yes I agree. Do you take so and so do I do accept so and so as your bride and you said yes I accept.

Do you accept so also as your husband you said accept. Have some value for your own word.

Have some value for your own words.

Don't

see I accept and then

after a few days, now you are looking here and there or you are giving trauma to each other. This is a sign that you are a person without honor.

I sincerely hope not.

I sincerely hope not.

Right. Honor is not in terms of your name or your title or or the kind of clothes you wear or the or the material rubbish that you run behind. Honor is a man's honor is his word.

A man a woman's honor is her word.

So please understand this.

Don't play games. Do not begin because these games will become very expensive for you. Before Allah subhanaw taala do not travel a good man. Do not travel a good woman.

Right. Now. Question is, if we are not getting along, can we get divorced? Short answer? No. No. Islam permits divorce as what? Islam permits divorce as something. Among the things that Allah subhanho wa Taala dislikes the most. This is one which is permitted. What does that mean? That means that divorce is a absolute last resort thing where absolutely nothing the house is on fire. Now, what should I do? Shall I burn in the house? No. You don't have one in the house, you can take a divorce.

But unless things are so bad,

just because I don't like this. I don't like that. No, no, no, no, sorry. Please, please. That's why I keep telling people. This make all the decisions before you get married.

Make sure Islam gives you the freedom to speak to each other.

without anybody eavesdropping. It does not permit you to sit alone in one room with a door shut. But definitely Islam permits you to talk to each other. without anybody else present there to ask each other. Absolutely any question you want. And this is something that I have recommended to I recommend to people all the time, ask whatever you like, because before you sign that contract, you are free to walk away. Nobody money,

right? So make sure that you take advantage of that freedom which Allah has given you. And you want to walk away, walk away.

No problem.

But once you have done all that, once you have accepted

then you don't walk away.

It's a matter of your honor.

It's a matter of being a man. It's a matter of being a woman of honor.

That you stay, and you make it work.

Right? You make it work.

Many times it may look like I'm coming down heavy on the men, but this is a very common problem with the men.

Right? You don't say no, you get married, you consummate the marriage.

And then you suddenly decide one day that I don't like this girl. And that's because you like somebody else.

Now you want to walk away. And this poor girl now she has a marriage been consummated.

She is now a divorcee

and mela for us in our in our culture. We've imported so many evils everywhere else.

That nobody now we'll touch on the divorcee. So she is condemned to live a life

on our own for the rest of our life.

And you are the reason.

And you are now gallivanting somewhere with some other chick.

And you are now gallivanting somewhere with some other woman.

No, please.

This doesn't work.

If you do that, then you are a dishonor to yourself as a Muslim

and you will be answerable to Allah subhanaw taala Make no mistake.

Do not make any mistake that woman trusted you.

You promise to take care of her.

What does Islam say Islam says cover her with mercy.

Allah subhanaw taala said that he called the marriage one of his science women Ayat II and Haleakala Khun Minh unphysical as word for treason, Lita schooner, La Jolla wa Jalla Binaca mawatha tawa Rahim Allah said he gave it

sukoon mawatha Rama

what is the goon sukoon is absence of hierarchy. There is no father dama Casa

There is no summer there fish. So corn is

is

just

the word the letter doesn't move anywhere there's no you it stays there. So going in marriage is what is being faithful to your spouse. Being faithful is not only physical faithful as it means your heart must not go anywhere you It must not go anywhere. Your hands and feet must not go anywhere.

Right flirting and having affairs and so on and so on and so forth.

This is haram in Islam.

So cool.

So corn is there is no storm in the harbor.

Sukkot is when you come both of you return home the home is a place of tranquility and beauty.

The home is a place where you enjoy being in that home.

Right. This is the meaning of soccer.

What kind of soccer is there if you come home and there is a there's a storm brewing in the harbor.

So one is when you look at each other and you feel so happy hamdulillah

so one is when you have a marriage where every morning you fall in love with your wife every every time right every single morning

this is soon.

So one is when you respect each other

and to be for your wife to respect you you have to be respectable. It won't happen because you have a beard what happened because you're wearing a turban it happens if you are a good man it happens if you are somebody who's worthy of respect. So ask yourself am I like that?

This is so cool. And the same thing for the woman

respect is not dependent on what you look like right? This changes over time.

And for most people

there is a decline.

As you grow older you're not no longer that cute, but doesn't matter.

Allah subhanaw taala puts a note in your in your in your face or last month or puts a note in your in your actions. If you are connected with him jealous Elko

Nevada is is love Allah said what Jana Binaca mawatha More data Rama is Allah say we have put between the two of you love

what is love, the root of Love is Respect. I remember I know I said all of this in the first book, but I know how much people remember.

The root of Love is Respect. Love is different from lust. It's not physical attraction.

It's not just the you know the physical needs. Love comes out of respect.

The more you respect somebody the more you love them. Again, closed loop back.

Who is your wife respect? Who will the wife respect the wife will respect the husband whose bias who's good who has a good tongue who doesn't curse who has no profanity?

Who who speaks nicely who speaks well who he pays attention to our gives our attention is not wedded to his phone or his iPad. He's not very to the television is very to her.

A person who doesn't spend his time in the club with his friend the person who spends time with her at home

and if they go out they go together.

This is up

the signs of love.

And if you do it right believe me as you grow older it becomes more it doesn't become less if it is growing if it is becoming less one of you is doing something wrong.

John La buena Kumada. And then Allah said Rama what is Rama?

Rama is his special sliver

of Mercy what is Mercy? Mercy is to return

evil with good is to return negative with positive it is to return pain with joy.

What do I mean by that? I mean forgiveness.

Do we say to Allah's wrath Allah forgive me because I deserve it.

Or do you say Allah forgive me because you are haram or him? Forgive me because I don't deserve it but you are the most forgiving.

Now what kind of God you make?

So rabbis word Rama is that this man or this woman was good to you was faithful to you to care of you.

Respected you treated you well.

Throughout so many years

and maybe today for whatever reason, maybe it's health, maybe it is whatever it is, Allah knows best.

They are not able to do some things for you.

Alhamdulillah I honor what I got.

I respect what I got. But I will still continue to treat them well, no matter what they do. In some cases it might be as a periodic thing, right. For example, PMS for women is a period in the in their lives every month. I mean, you know, where were they it during the menstrual cycle where there's like there are there are psychological changes that are emotional changes and they become very touchy and all kinds of stuff. You live through that handler this is part of life, I am vanilla, no problem. We have two opportunities to make sugar automatic summer and we get benefit for both.

If you are thankful to Allah when Allah will reward you and if you are patient, Allah will also reward you so summer and sugar Hamdulillah.

This is the meaning of mercy.

Respect the time that you spent that you have spent together

the fact that the person stuck to you

didn't go anywhere.

They may have arrived, they may have had options. They didn't go anywhere.

When we got married, my wife and I, I was working in the tea gardens in the anomalies.

And there you have you get bought at that time we were getting I think about 150 inches of rain a year. It was like and when it rained in the monsoon, you would sometimes it would rain for a whole week. Seven days eight days and rain would hammer down it was not just a drizzle it would hammer data like standing under a waterfall. It was like standing under the shower with the thing turn on full.

houses had galvanized iron roof so there was a constant din turns out continuous day night.

Used to have so much rain that sometimes there would be fungus on the walls in the house. We had to have fires burning in every room every room had a fireplace and every room there was wood burning in the fire fireplace whether there was anyone in the room or not because there was no central heating and this was the way of central heating the whole house otherwise the house would have mildew and fungus all over

we got married my wife came from Hyderabad which gets like 20 inches of rain the whole year.

We came there we stayed there she's we were living together

and then there was a storm in the middle of the huge Icron kind of thing. And 1200 trees fell on my estate alone

electric lines power lines telephones everything went down there were two landslides and we got completely locked on top of our mountain for two weeks no electricity

food whatever there was a house we could eat there was no market because nothing was coming and going

What do you

we had a bug

I still have to go to work I used to work when I came back home filled by my legs covered with leeches because that's one of the joys of working at gardens

I would sit with my feet in the in a tub of hot water with salt in it and then you know wash them off and the water would turn pink with my blood with the leeches would eject ones they when they dropped off by by legs

and then we would have dinner whatever the Cook had made because as I told you there was hardly eating mostly eggs and whatnot.

And then we would sit in front of the fireplace and we would play chess and in just two weeks my wife started she didn't know the first thing what Jesse had never seen the chessboard in our life

and in two weeks she was beating me I mean that shows the level of intelligence but the point I'm saying is that this two weeks a beautiful time we spent a wonderful time when the circumstances around us what we're winning quotes negative then hammering everywhere and this is you know the kind of variety of we had food but it was you know, there was no variety in the food nothing and dark all the time. The old days those you can't see the sun for two weeks. There was one exam we can't go anywhere. No telephone calls nothing you can't talk to anybody. I mean imagine in that situation. We were absolutely very humbled.

There were times in my life I remember once I went to the bank and I got my passbook updated State Bank of India and my net worth Allah bitters are not I'm not like my net worth was 500 rupees

my passbook at 500 minutes 500 rupees. And believe me, I was married, I was married 500 rupees net worth.

My salary was 800 rupees so you can imagine 500 rupees savings

to this day almost, you know

Maybe 30 years later,

I can still feel the happiness that I felt that I've got 500 rupees. And 500 didn't mean 500,000 millimeter 500 rupees

is not money.

What makes a good marriage is not money, it's not money.

We have been through times in our lives my wife and I

were literally there was a time when I first started my business, a business management consulting in Bangalore, we were we were rent, we were living in a rented apartment in JAMA extension, this the rent for 7000 rupees, there were some months

in which until the rent was until there were like two or three days due for the rent, I did not have 7000 rupees as the bank.

Now I'm very, very particular, I'm extremely sensitive about my word, if I, if I give my word to somebody, it's like, for me, it's an absolutely written in stone.

And I did not want to be in a situation where I did not have money to pay rent. And I had to go to the landlord and say, Please, you know, give me some time or something, I had to go to somebody else and ask for money. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, Allah subhanaw taala never let that happen.

He never had that happen. We always had got the money, sometimes even a day in advance. And we always managed to pay the rent on time. But the point I'm making is that through that entire anxiety period, not once did my wife complain, not a single time did she say what kind of life is this? We can we don't even have money to rent and this and that, and you started his business. And now you want to be an entrepreneur and Wigan and at that time I was getting job offers, literally practically a couple of, you know, couple of offers a month, because this was the boom time when the foreign companies had come into India, this was a boom time there was a huge shortage of people with

in the area of training and leadership development and so on. And many companies wanted to give jobs.

And I said no, I will not I will not take I will not take a job I am an entrepreneur, I have decided to be on my own and I'm going to give this a proper try. And a proper diet doesn't mean too much later I get a job. So no, I said we will we will we will we will work with this. Not once did my wife company not once did she said, you know is this what I married you for and so on and so on. We were very, very short of many, many essential things. Alhamdulillah that period is one of the most beautiful periods of our life.

That tell me when somebody stands with you

through difficult periods in your life,

and then you are well and you are happy and hamdulillah What do you want to do? Dump the

my brothers and sisters please understand this marriage is not a joke. A marriage can be the most beautiful thing that you could that ever happened to you.

Or the marriage can be a curse that you will you know that you will regret.

And remember, this is not magic. You make it

you make it this or that. And by you I don't mean the man alone man and woman. You make it it's up to you.

You need to have suffer you need to understand that the other person is also human, just as you want

the other person to be understanding you have to be understanding. Just because just just as you want the other person to give I give you allowances you have to give them allowances. You must develop a selective memory remember the good good stuff and forget the bad stuff. They will be bad stuff. Please understand this. The woman you married is not you know like my one of my very dear friend says he says my name is Khadija but I'm not the Prophet life. Allah bless her.

The woman she married is is you know she has her own. She has her issues. You have your issues, and hamdulillah these are llamadas

we have to have patience with each other. We have to have someone

right.

She's not perfect. But go look in the mirror.

Go look in the mirror.

You're not perfect either. And maybe the only one of the things you have perfect is your mother.

Seriously,

a marriage

is in your hands.

It will be as good as you make it or it will be as bad as you make it and you get to decide.

And then again, remember one more thing, final point. You get to decide that every single morning

so even if you have been doing a whole bunch of wrong stuff, no need to give up hope no need to feel bad about it. No need to say oh my god, whatever it is, you know, I wish I had heard this lecture 10 years ago. No, no, no, no, no

You want to now you want to change, change.

That's it. As simple as that. Go change. Go sit with your wife, go sit with your husband and say, Look, I understand now what was going wrong. I apologize. Please forgive me. Let us both pray two rakaat of Salah and ask Allah to forgive us. I ask Allah to forgive me. So you do the Salah, first you make dua to Allah subhanaw taala ask Allah to forgive you and tell Allah Allah put in, put in our heart put in his heart to forgive me, go sit with them and say, I am extremely sorry whatever happened ever. Please forgive this from today. It's a new leaf and we are making a fresh start. Do that at age 2030 5100. Whatever doesn't matter.

Today is the first day of the rest of your life. That that is quite literally true.

So practice that.

Inshallah and Allah subhanho wa Taala will definitely insha Allah who stand will give you success. Ask Allah subhanaw taala to bless you ask Allah subhanaw taala to make your marriages the most beautiful thing that happened to you ask ALLAH SubhanA wa Jalla to make each of you a partner of each other in all goodness in this dunya ask Allah subhanaw taala to make each of you the way and means to get to Jana inshallah. Well son Allah, Allah, Allah will Karim Allah He was named Brahma to God, what about him? He was salam. Alaikum Warahmatullahi Wabarakatuh