Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #14

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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim Al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil Alameen wa Salatu was Salam ala Shanna field MBA will mousseline Mohamed Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi, salam, ala Haile Hualalai wa sahbihi wa sallam doesn't even cathedra and cathedra.

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from Nevada, just as we are in our marriage

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session, how to make our marriages beautiful inshallah. And I really feel nice about modeling this set of

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classes on marriage, I've got some very good feedback from people who are listening to this. And

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I hope it will help you to make your marriages beautiful and very rewarding and worthwhile. And I hope you're enjoying this. By all means, please put in your

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your questions.

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Any questions, any comments into the

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into the comments section of this video? And we will definitely try to answer them to the best of our ability. And doing our series of as you know, from the last few sessions, we were doing a series of questions that I was asked somebody asked me 20 questions with regard to marriage, after the read my book. And I think it was a nice set of questions. So I'm taking those and answering them. And then as I said, if you have any more, by all means peace, please feel free

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to ask me.

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The question number nine here is when does one know that a marriage is not working? And when should people do something about it? Now, I've let me answer the second part of the question first, which is, when should you do something about as soon as you know, something is not is not going? Right? Right. So don't delay in delaying is

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can only be detrimental? Delaying cannot help. So as soon as you know something is wrong, act upon it, do something about it.

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But the first part of the question, when does When does one know that a marriage is not working? Now,

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let's think about this. A marriage ultimately, is an agreement between two people

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to live together for mutual benefit. I mean, that's the bottom line of it, call it what you want. But at the end of the day, it is to people have who have agreed to live together.

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Because this is the fight this is something which is beneficial for both of them enjoyable for both of them, they find joy in each other's company, they want to live together, they want to be together and so on. So that is the bottom line of it. Now, when you find that this has changed, somehow this has changed when there is no mutual benefit, there's no joy in living together.

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And that living together is causing you more grief and joy,

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then you know that it's not working? Right? It's, there's no I'm not suggesting that you constantly live with a diagnostic tool in your hand. But, or live in some sort of suspicion? You know, keep asking, it's quite easy to is it working? Is it happening? Is it happening? That is counterproductive? Because unnecessarily then you you expect it you should over you know, I don't find anything wrong, or maybe there is something wrong. Maybe I should find something wrong, and believe you will find something wrong. So don't go there. Right? If it is painting, you will know if there is a pain? I mean, do I have a paid? Do I have a pain? If you're asking the question, Do I

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have a pain, it means you do not have a bit, so leave it alone. But if you do feel that there is some pain, then that's the time to take a look at it now, what must you do?

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So just to be when people come to me, and ask me about this thing, I asked them three questions. The first question I asked them is, do you want to make it work? Am I willing to make this marriage work? Ask yourself this question.

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Am I willing to make this marriage work? Number two is then look at it and say what is it that I need to do? So which is what will it take to make it work?

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And the third question that the absolute bottom line, and that is, am I willing to do what it takes to make it work? So three questions? Am I willing to make it work? Do I really want this marriage to work? Now, this might look like a

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like an oxymoronic question, especially if two people, you know come to you, both spouses, they say,

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you know, we want this marriage to work. But my experience I'm not being cynical or bitter. But my experience is that many times people go through the motions because somebody told them people there's pressure on the family and so on and so from their families, or somebody or friends or whatnot, you know, you see this is a nice marriage or Don't spoil it and make it work and blah blah

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So they want to go through the motions to justify to others, that they made some effort. Now that is totally and completely useless, you know, it is false. Your your spouse knows it is false. What other people say or don't say makes no difference. So ask yourself sincerely, do I really want to make this marriage work?

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If the answer is yes, and the second question is a tough one, which is a diagnostic question, that is, what do I need to do to make it work? Now, that can be painful, because many times you have to look at yourself and say, I know a case, for example, a marriage actually fell apart. And it was a marriage. It was a love marriage, it was not an arranged marriage, it was a love marriage. And this, these two got married, and then the marriage fell apart, because one of the spouses was completely and totally addicted to Facebook. And he had his head in the fitness in his iPad, or his computer or his phone, whatever it was, almost, you know, 24/7, all waking moments. This guy was in his thing

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with his virtual friends and whatever else. And eventually, the spouse, his wife said, Well, you know, there's no sense in his marriage. Why? Why am I why am I even married to this person, because he's got no time to talk to me. And so now, obviously, that was not how it started. Because if he was always in his iPad, and he wouldn't ever have seen her in the first place, but something went wrong, whatever it was

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not the case, I know a case where

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this this, again, it was a husband, now who was so addicted to his friends, and his real friend, not a real friend, they're out places, the clubs or whatnot, and he would hardly spend time at home. So he's gone to work is in the office. And after that, he almost had to spend time at home all weekend, free time. He's with his friends, you know, he's doing whatever he's doing gone here, gone there.

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No time for the wife. And so the marriage falls apart. The point I'm making here is that no matter what is your personal issue, it is likely to be something painful, it is likely to be something that you don't like to look at. But if you don't want to look at it, then forget about the marriage, it's not gonna, it will not happen. So you need to be able to look at your issues, and to be able to face them. And the same thing for the wife. The same thing for the wife, which is issues where in one case, I know this lady was she was a shopaholic. And she would buy and Buy and buy albums and look at this educated woman. She knows how much money I earn. She he she knows that this is the only

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source of income we have. And she's blowing it all on shopping now what what do we do?

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Which is a legitimate question. So the point I'm saying is that it is something which you might find difficult to accept difficult to stomach, but you have to stomach it, you have to accept it, and you have to do something about it.

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So, are you interested in

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this relationship, I willing to make it work? Number two, what does it take to make it work? And number three is am I willing to do what it takes? Now, if the answer to all of these is yes, yes, we are interested?

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Yes, we looked at or we are seeking help to look at what is wrong. And then yes, no matter how painful that is, we want to get over it we want to make the marriage work, we want to do what it takes to make it work, then all power to you Inshallah, you will be fine. And your marriage will work. I have seen some marriages going through some very difficult times

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where it looked like complete,

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you know, complete chaos, right.

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I know a case where a very good friend of mine.

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He and his wife came and said we want to make

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you there's my wife and myself, the guardians of our children.

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I said before what I mean you are there why why would we want to be guardians and these were not even Muslim people. Why would you want to be me to or our friends to me and I have to regardless of your children, they said no, I think we are we have we are finished. We are finished with marriage. We are finished with life. I mean, they were actually contemplating suicide. Now that's a long story and nothing happened 100 They are fine. The children are now married to the children of children. But the point I'm making is that even from there, even from such a dark place, you can still come out

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shining and and bright eyed provided you are willing to do what it takes.

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If that is not

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case, then I always say,

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stop being a pain in the backside for the other person. And call it a day that

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don't don't waste your time, don't waste their time. Don't make it painful for everybody.

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But the important thing is that even if you want to divorce, even if you want this relationship to end, remember three very important rules as far as love is concerned, number one, truthfulness. Number two concern for the other. And number three mutual respect. Now, this is another place where many things go wrong.

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And I've seen people who make false allegations and all sorts of things because both parties are trying to justify especially if there are families involved, especially in arranged marriages, especially when when when both sides families are involved.

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The spouses simply don't want to take the responsibility. So they say Oh, nobody knew she was doing this. Or he was doing that and some cases I've seen it's complete falsehood, it is total fabrication. Believe me, you will answer Allah subhanaw taala for that you are playing with fire quite literally. So don't do that. Do not do that.

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Have the backbone to stand up to whoever is talking to you. And say sorry, this is our matter. We are dealing with it. I do not have to give you reasons whoever you are. Even if you're my parents, I do not have to justify to you why my marriage is not working. I do not have to give reasons to you. I'm not going to give reasons to write I don't need your support if you want if you want to support me support me because I'm your child.

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That's it period. You don't need any other reason for that. So don't ask me you about your husband and your wife. No sorry, I will not talk about her I will not talk about him. This is between us

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we had a good relationship there was a reason why we got married but hamdulillah whatever has happened has happened. Now we are going to part company and Allah Smartasset Hydra and Jimmy lights Allah said separate decently separated in a beautiful manner. So stick to the truth don't fabricate Lies don't fabricate slander

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about each other number number one number two have concern for the other. Okay, so now this marriage is breaking up, it's an emotional thing. The only thing worse than then then a divorce is very much so if the spouse actually dies

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it's not a simple matter of you know, not resigning from your club. This is something which is very serious. So treat the other person with gentleness with kindness.

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Give more as I'm talking to them and give them more don't take back anything Don't say no but you know I gave it this present and give it to nothing, take back nothing. Give more. Give her what she is entitled to and give more. And inshallah Allah will replace that and we'll replace that with better because as soon as I said the one who gives up something for the sake of Allah Allah subhanaw taala will replace it with something better

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to do that.

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Right. And even the Quran says this. The Quran says even if it is Kuntar of mine of gold, don't take it back. So very very clearly. Do not take it back even where it is a holla if the wife wants a holla if she wants separation give it I have seen many cases where husband hang on there's no I will not give a divorce.

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Now she can still walk away because she can she can ask for the chicken get the the kasi or the judge to annul the marriage even if you are not willing to give a divorce but in in some places and in the hands of a mother and also in some countries the body will not do that and believe me the car is not doing that then McCarthy is being unjust. It is not permissible in Islam to stick to one mother when there is a solution in some other Muslim

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we are followers of Islam we are not followers of of one of any boss up just like that we will we must follow Mother I'm not saying do not follow a buzzer I'm not saying be a lead vocal lead no by being very vocal is stupid. Because we do not have the capacity to do is too hard on our own and therefore the ugly of one of the four Imams is a safety net.

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Follow whichever Imam you want Alhamdulillah inshallah you will receive. But if the Pharisee is insists that only this one and in this particular whichever Imam you're following, if that is something where there is no solution, but there is a solution with the other Imam if there is no solution with our Shabbat it will be more Shafi but Eva mamani visors solution, then the kasi and the judge should take that solution and help you to resolve the matter in a good manner.

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If he's not doing that he's being unjust.

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So the wife can take now in the dark in terms of Allah, if she if she's taking a holiday, then you have the right as the husband to to

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strike a deal, right? And say, Okay, this is what I spent and No, give back half of it or whatever. I my advice is even there, don't take anything back. That Be a man be be somebody with dignity and nobility.

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She's a woman she gave her life to you. Now you don't want it or she doesn't want it or both of you don't want it she wants to go find a handler, make it good for her. Do not take anything back, give everything to her and say Angela, take this Be Happy May God for me inshallah I make the

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right act, take the higher road take the upper road be noble be Be kind, be generous, and know that your agenda DeLallo will treat you in the same way. And if you don't do that, then your robot also has the right and he has the power to treat you in that way and worse, to teach you a lesson. So don't open the door for that for yourself. So truthfulness, concern for the other person and mutual respect. Never

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say one single word, critical word about your husband, or your wife, outside of your marriage.

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They told you not even to parent so forget about talking to your, your your friends and this and that and you know, bad talking them all over the place. That is a very, very nasty thing to do, please do not do that. And ensure that you do not do anything that is not completely and totally honest. And completely aboveboard show concern that the other person must not leave with a bad feeling. Right?

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The marriage with you didn't work, that doesn't mean the other person is evil. So make sure that you do it in such a way that that person still respects you, and still has something good to say about

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the divorce is bad enough. Don't add negative baggage to that

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and show respect for each other. That's very, very important. You deserve it and your marriage is

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part company if you have to, but do it in a way that is respectful and honorable. Right?

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I hope I'm making this clear, please be very certain ensure that if it comes to a divorce, that you do it in this way, which is

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which is clean.

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Now what are the core responsibilities of the spouses and other different for the man and the woman? This is the next question. Now, as I said, in my view, the core responsibility of the man and it's not as my view this is in Islam.

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The core responsibility of the man is to

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work and earn a living and take care of the financial responsibilities for the family. And in Islam, this remains the core responsibility of the man. Even if the woman has her own independent income or even if she has an inheritance, her inheritance belongs to her her income belongs to her. The man has no say in that whatsoever.

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So you as the husband have no control over your wife's finances.

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Islamically speaking

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it is better for you to have two separate bank accounts. It is better for you to have to separate it's better for you not to join your income or join your assets.

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There are two reasons for it. First of all, this is the right that the that Islam gives to the woman she does not have to disclose her income disclose or inheritance or show what she has to the husband much less to anybody else. Night her jewelry is her own. She does not have to give her jewelry into the custody of your mother to her mother in law. She doesn't have to put her jewelry you know in the mother in law's locker. And I My advice to the to the young ladies. Or to the old ladies, whoever you're getting married, right? Don't go overboard. Right right at the beginning is oh no, no, no, my mother, you You are like my mother and this is my jewelry and no I'm giving it to you and then when

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something goes bad, then you will blame the woman for that. So don't stay with you stay within your boundaries.

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Right. Don't do all of this. Allah's rubbish. Make sure that it is your money. It is your jewelry, it is your property, whatever you inherited, whatever your part your parents gave you, whatever whoever gave you, it belongs to you, your husband, your mother in law, your father and your grandfather. Nobody has any right in that they don't even have the right to know what it is. Don't exceed the boundaries. Don't say no. I want you to no no, no, please

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Write, write it and keep it in your, in your locker.

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If you want to keep a record of it, do not. There's no need to destroy it, number one. Number two, if you disclose it, then be prepared for them to ask you questions, because they will this is human nature.

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This is human nature. So if there if you disclose it, and then there was, you know, well, what happened to that, then you get offended, or you raise my income? Why you asking questions, we asked him questions because you open that door. So don't go anywhere near that. Islam gives this this is a unique response, this unique thing, as far as Islam is concerned,

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it is not there in other religions, where a woman has complete and total control over her financial assets

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for the man.

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And the woman doesn't need to share that with anybody, if she's sharing it, by all means, I'm not stopping you from sharing it, be charitable, be generous, share it with your families, share it with anyone, but remember, you are doing that, because you want to do that you are doing an axon on others, and others should be grateful to you for that. Right, it's not your duty, if a woman who is wealthy does not contribute 10 cents to the common family expense, she is within her right to do that. There is no criticism honor.

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For the man on the other hand, if you are married, then you are the head of the household.

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You are responsible for the household, the household must obey you in every legal thing. And the household must not disobey you, and do something which you don't like, as long as what you are asking them to do is legal

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Islamically and legal in the law of the land, right. So understand this, we are not saying here, if you say well, you know, I'm going to sit here and you're going to come and

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give me a massage every day and punish my boots and, you know, give me a cup of tea

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while kneeling down in front of me if all of this and as long as none of that is none of that is

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is nobody's is liable to obey any of that. Right? So we're not,

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I'm not here advocating toxic masculinity, masculinity,

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and no, and, you know, oppression of the people, we just saying here that you are, it's like saying that the you are the driver of the bus, right, the rest of the people are in the bus.

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So who's responsible for this bus, the driver, who's responsible, if somebody wants to get off the bus and get on the bus, the driver, the driver has to open the door, if the if the driver doesn't open the door, you can't get off the bus, who must drive the bus safely the driver who must take care and and check to see if this bus has enough gas and so on and so forth.

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You can say, well, you know what, you are passengers, you should be interested, no, no, they're interested, but they have the responsibility has been given to you. And therefore it is your responsibility. So the man is responsible for earning, the man is responsible for bringing

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food or putting food on the table. And for this,

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the woman has no

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no financial responsibility to do any of that.

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The corresponds ability of the woman on the other hand is to make the home a place of beauty, a place of grace, a place of harmony, and, and to focus on the raising of the children, their children, and it's a responsibility to ensure that they are raised as good human beings and as good Muslims. Now this may sound old fashioned, but take a look at what the result of the yuppie puppy culture is. And you will come back to the basics soon enough. And that is something which Islam also

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advocates and

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and this is what Islamic, that's the Islamic duty. The husband is responsible for the

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to build other words the husband responsible for what's outside the house, the woman is responsible what's inside jobs. Now, question they ask is, is a woman permitted to work of course is permitted to work, but not at the expense of her core responsibility? It just like saying is the man permitted not to work? Yes, of course, not to work, provided he there is a way of taking care of the financial responsibility. If the man says Well, I just want to take off for five, five years, right? It's I feel somehow this is important for AI development, very nice. Make arrangements for five years of financial

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didn't get to the financial responsibility for your family and you can you can go it's not just financial because five, five years. What about taking care of the family? What about the company of the of the wife hands on support? How are you going to vanish in five years?

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So same thing applies to the woman you

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She's saying, Oh, no, I am I am, I will take if I have children, I take the child to the daycare center, dumped the child in a daycare center. And then I'm going to work no, sorry, doesn't work in Islam, this is not permissible.

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It is not permissible. And if the if the answer is no, but you see, unless both of us work, we cannot make ends meet No, reduce the ends, you cannot make ends meet because you have expanded your expenses die that now you're stuck to your Yo Yo, you become stuck, where unless both people work, you can't you can't pay your bills, reduce your bills.

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The children deserve the full time attention of at least one parent and the full and the part timers, company and attention of both parents. So the father must be involved in the raising of the children once he's back home, so when he's back home, he must not sit in front of the television vegetate, and he's not, he's not going to just you know, drop in that at home, have a cup of tea and push up to be with his friends or play golf or whatever, no, spend time with the children, and the mother must spend must give them her full attention. Full time. Yes, it is burdensome, you should have thought about that before you had children.

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But if you have children, that is your responsibility before Allah subhanho wa taala. And believe me, that is what is good for your future.

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If you do not do that, then you are going to, you're creating enormous problems for yourself in the future. So don't do that. Right.

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make very sure that you take care. Now, having taken care of the core responsibility, which is financial responsibility, the aspirant must also help around the house, take care of the children, whatever gavage work, watch the car, mow the lawn, take out the garbage, right and walk the dog what not just sit in front of the television with his feet propped up in a bowl of popcorn and his elbow or whatever the equivalent of that is in your culture, this is not acceptable behavior.

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Similarly, once the mother has taken care of the core responsibility that is raising of children, and then it is good if she was the garden and washes the car and goes the lawn and takes up the garbage and does not sit in front of the TV propped up and with a bowl of popcorn at her elbow or whatever is equalent in your culture.

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This is I'm sure you understand what I mean right?

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Now,

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can she still work of course you can work nowadays, it's even more even even better, because you can work from home. But as I said, not at the expense of the core responsibility, which is the raising of children.

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If you don't have children, and so on, then you can both both can work. But remember, one of the things I've seen also, when you don't have children and both people are working and they are involved in their careers and so on, usually the marriage is this has drifted apart, and the marriage is goes for six. So even if there are no children to be raised, remember, you both spouses need to spend time together, you need to have conversation, you need to talk to one another, you need to be in each other's company, not a chore and so I got an I got to work with her I got to work with him know, as something that you enjoy in preference to your, your, your time with your other

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friends and and so on. So then you associate. So that is a very important thing, right? The dividing responsibilities in the always a very good idea. role clarity is essential in a happy marriage and role conflict causes the maximum stress in it. It's essential for one of the spouses to be dedicated to the raising of the children. As I said, the mother this is his or her responsibility. But sometimes you might have a situation where the woman has is more qualified to work and she can get you know, more money better paid, and she can have a better job and the husband can take care of the family. There's no problem with that. Inshallah, in Islam, there is no hassle with that. But again,

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remember, for the men don't get into an ego hustle about No, my wife has got his high flying job and you know, I'm washing the dishes. No, there is dignity in work and hamdulillah if you are washing dishes is good for you. If you're cooking food good for you. If you're taking care of children hamdulillah very good for you. And if she's got a high paying job very nice both of you are enjoying that no problem. But remember, the responsibility is yours. So even though she is earning and bring money home, financial responsibility still remains yours. And since you are not fulfilling that, the least that you can do is to be grateful to her to be to treat her dignity and show that she's

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comfortable and so on and so right. I know this is a bit of a rarity in most cases. In most cases we have the husband who works and the wife was at all and in more and more cases now we have okay we have situations where both of them work. And as I told you, both of you are working and if children are seven

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As a result of that, you will be author of dollars.

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And before that you will suffer the consequences of that in this life and do not do that to yourself.

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Right?

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Please understand this, that raising children, and we will, I'm going to do a whole series on that separately we're just raising children is being just doesn't mean feeding them and closing them and making sure they're dry and they have a bed, teaching them life skills, manners, more than anything else manners, good o'clock, tools of thinking decision making. Now teaching them the core values of life, especially Islamic values, all of this is

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critical to the raising of children. It's not enough to give them gadgets, the latest gadgets, latest latest, you know, game boards, and whatnot. Not enough, it's even detrimental. Get the DEA addicted from screens.

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I'm sick and tired of talking about this, Director Trump's screens, get out of Facebook, get them out of Facebook, get them out of social media, let them not even get into social media until they are, you know, well into their teens and 20s. Maybe 20s Even until they understand the dangers of what they're dealing with. It's like giving them a given a small child as a sharp knife whose responsibilities it is a little toddler, two year old zero governances I want a sharp knife we will give it to him.

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You will not give it to him because you know he does not have the understanding of what knife can make thing you know he's got his own throat or something.

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Or he got yours. You will not do that because you know the danger of it. Now how do we give them something which is far more dangerous, which is social media far, far more dangerous.

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Now you give that because you're lazy. You just want to get out of the responsibility of raising children. And you want the iPad to do that for you. You want this your smartphone to do that for you. The four is smart, you are not

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a smartphone with stupid people. This is the biggest problem in our society today. And that's why we got social media which is completely playing havoc with the minds of children

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and producing and creating children who are toxic and who are a problem to the world. And you are the You are the reason for that. Please do not fall into that trap, right?

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Food, a dry bed and toys is what your dog needs, not your son or daughter.

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Don't treat your child like your dog. They're to be they're mammals, but that's it. Like the dog is not going to inherit to inherit your from you. So please make sure that your children are treated

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responsibly and you are responsible for that.

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We'll continue with this Inshallah, in our next session.

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Ask Allah subhanaw taala to be pleased with you and never to be displeased or sort of the holiday we look at what he was able to get. Salam aleikum wa rahmatullah.

Living Islam - Marriage, Making and Living it #14
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