Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it 08

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Mirza Yawar Baig

Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig

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Bismillah al Rahman al Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa Salatu Salam rilasciato pmba even more serene. Muhammad Rasul relies on Allah highly while he was having to sell them to Sleeman, kathira, Kathy, Rama Babu, my brothers and sisters in our series of classes on living Islam, we are looking at marriage making it and living it.

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Marriages are not made in heaven, they're made on the earth. And so they require effort.

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Like anything else, which is on this earth, you want it to happen, you want it to be good, you have to make sure that you do what it takes for that to happen. It's not automatic, it's not magic. It's not something that will happen. Despite your effort. Whatever happens will happen exactly how you want it to make it happen. It's as simple as that.

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Question number four, we're looking at the 20 questions that I was asked. And

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we're looking here at question number four. How can you try and make an unhappy marriage? a happy one?

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Now, that's a tough one, because there is a pre clause to that.

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And once you satisfy that break laws, then it's very easy.

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And the pre clause is, do you really want it to happen?

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Do you really want to turn your marriage, which is currently on the rocks?

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To be seaworthy? Again, do you really want that ship, not to sick?

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Now that may seem like a strange thing to ask. But I've seen in many years of counseling, that all failures that I saw, were because the partners did not really want to make it work.

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They were not sincere.

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They were merely going through the motions with the idea of satisfying themselves or others, that they had made the effort. Now that is a lie, because they never made the effort.

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They acted a drama with a pre concluded ending.

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And what happened is what they want it to happen.

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So once you are sincere, first of all decide that. And it is not one person, both people have visions yet. So once you are sincere about turning things around, then you need to sit down and write down all that you like about your spouse.

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Think about this, after all, there were things that you liked. And that is why you married them. Why did you marry them otherwise?

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As I told you, anybody who married somebody in order to change them, believe me, you walked into a disaster open your eyes wide open?

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Because before you married them with the intention of changing them, did you ask them that they wanted to be changed?

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Did you have a contract with them to say, marry me and I will change you another person says yes, please, I want to marry you because I want to change if that happened, you will not have a problem. But that did not happen, you know that. And I know that. So therefore, you married them thinking that you can change them. They married you blind, they didn't realize that job of walking into a what is actually a client consultant relationship

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without the contract to legitimize it. So it was an illegal client consultant relationship.

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And then, of course, what had to happen.

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So please don't fall into this trap. So now that you have got the situation where things are not going the way you liked, sit down and write or both parties sit down and write and literally write with your hand.

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And the reason I'm saying that because when you write something with your hand, it acts as something in your brain and there is a there is a psychological reaction. So he was right with or not even don't type it out and whatnot. don't dictate from your phone, unless you physically can't do it. But otherwise, write down with your hand. Write the things that you like or liked about that person about your spouse,

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your husband or your wife by

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both people do that.

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And then exchange those papers and read them.

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This is what I like about you advance also

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including at that time.

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Right. Second thing is

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flip the paper over

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and write down on the other side. What do you expect from them

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So this is what I expect you to do for me. I expect you to massage my head every night.

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I expect you to make me a hot breakfast every morning.

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I expect you to start up every time I enter the room.

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I expect you to walk up the wall and across the ceiling, right? I mean this. If you are expecting these things, then you better expect that as well.

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Write down what you expect from the other person. And as I'm saying,

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don't get over ambitious about this. Don't get unrealistic about it.

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Get real be real.

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To write down what are the things that you

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expect from the other person

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and then exchange those sheets.

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Marriages go bad because we start taking the good stuff for granted.

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As if it's your birthright

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and you are never thankful for it. You don't express tax and

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you are unclear about expectations.

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So usually this works like magic.

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I've seen many cases where after I taught people I would tell them I said please write out all this and bring it to me they never come back. And the marriage is going great guns after that.

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And usually what happened is Oh you know what once we wrote this thing, it was it became clear to us hamdulillah we are doing well hamdulillah very nice. saved my time as well.

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But it will happen only if you sincerely do it not if you go through the motions that that's the thing I want to say to you again and again and again and again. just going through the motions of the thing is not going to help you

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You must be and you have to be sincere about it.

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Then it'll work.

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What did you like about a What do you like about the person and what are the expectations?

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Most marriages go by, because

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we are not thankful for what the person does for us every day.

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Think about this.

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You know if you go to somebody's house if you are a guest with somebody and that person is good to you, those people are good to you. You go stay with them couple of days

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and you will come back for appraisers Oh my god, you know they stayed in resort while and they cooked good food for us. And they did this and did that and they make sure we are comfortable and whatnot.

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Turn on our Ask yourself.

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My wife does that everyday for me.

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My husband does that everyday for me.

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My husband goes

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to the rain and sleet and snow drives to work

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and works in a job that he probably you know he's not over the top over the moon about that job.

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Maybe he doesn't even like that job too much. I know several people who do jobs, not because they like the job but because they have a family to feed.

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So they put up with a job with they don't really like they work for a boss that they don't really like.

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And they don't do it for two days. They do it for 40 years. They do it for 30 years.

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Day in and day out so that they can put food on the table so that they can pay your bills.

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Now what's the appreciation for that?

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What is the appreciation for that? Let me ask my sisters very clearly. When was the last time you said your husband jazak Allah hi Don thank you very much for going to work every day so that we have food on our table.

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And don't give me the thing about Oh Allah subhanaw taala feeds of course he feeds. feed you and Allah will feed you even if you Albert drops dead to borrow money.

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Right?

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You're talking about being thankful to the person while the boss is alive. That does not deny what Allah is giving you. As soon as I understand I'm sending this very famous. He said he has not tagged Allah who has not tagged the person the human being.

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So did you Thank you, Your husband

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to say you go to work every day. I know the kind of job you do. I know you don't love it. I don't even I know it's you know you would love to change it but it's difficult to change.

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I know don't love your boss.

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But you do that because you love me because you come you want to put food on the table in the home. You want to pay our bills you want us to live comfortably.

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And so you're doing that. Just like Aloe Vera. Thank

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You very much when did you fall in salute and thank Allah subhanho wa Taala that he gave you a man like that.

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And the same thing to the husbands. You do thank Allah subhanaw taala that you come home every day to our house, which is neat and clean doesn't look like a pigsty doesn't look like a trash dump,

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do Sangha loss, that there is food on the table, you put the bunny for the food on the table, the actual food on the table, if somebody else is putting in that somebody else is your wife.

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Right?

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My brother and sisters, believe me if you are just if we just learn to be grateful.

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Our life will be will will turn completely around.

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Just learn to be grateful.

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Sometimes people ask me, Well, why must I keep on saying thank you? I wish I keep on saying I'm grateful. Don't they know?

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My question to you is does it Allah know?

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Does your wife know yes or no? Yes. But doesn't know.

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If Allah knows. And you know that the law knows the Why did Allah subhanaw taala say ln ceccato law says and while in government now the military is one of the rivals rather than as it were really the one who's thankful to me, I will increase the blessing and the one who's thankless let him be aware of my punishment. Why did Allah say that? Because he doesn't know. Allah need you to tell him.

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The issue is not whether the other person knows or doesn't know.

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The issue is, it is your job, to be thankful it is your job to say thank you.

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It is about you. It's not about them. So whether they know or they don't know, it is your job to say to them,

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I've told this story many times, but the good stories are Let me tell you again.

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I was teaching a course in Germany

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for GE, it was a leadership course I was teaching that to today ladies of course in Chennai.

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Not my usual thing when I when I teach these courses and so on so forth, because we talk about core values and ethics and so on. So I always talk about being tactful. I mean, this is something that I always do.

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So in this course, towards the end of day one,

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I said to the people I said as long as the one question in the question was based on the fact that that whole lot, the entire class which was what 2022 23 people

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they were all what we call Tam browns, there were 10 million rabbits.

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Now I speak Tamil broadly, I've lived in janay for Danny I mean not many, but in Tamil Nadu for 10 years.

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So I know the culture.

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Now in the tamilian culture and especially dominant Brahmin culture.

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The morning begins for the lady of the house earlier than for the men.

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So she wakes up, she has a bath, she goes into the kitchen, she does a Puja and so on. She does a worship and then as you go into the kitchen, and she makes coffee

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now

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it's the best coffee in the world. It's freshly roasted beans and it is what is called decoction coffee. It says filter coffee.

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It is absolutely from a beautiful coffee.

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by them the men of the house, which will be anybody from age five to age 95.

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They wake up

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and they sit.

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If there is a veranda, they'll sit there if there's a balcony, they'll sit there. Otherwise they sit in the in the living rooms or whatnot.

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And this lady of the house, whoever she is mother's sister wife.

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She serves them this coffee, and they drink this coffee and read the Hindu newspaper. This is the standard practice

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in practically every single tamilian Brahman Whoa, we call them tangrams.

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So knowing this culture, I asked them a question I said tell me Is this something which happens is I just got this very quickly. I said, Does this something happen? Does this happen now this Yes.

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So I said what if one day you wake up and there's no coffee?

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It's all your

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It was a unthinkable thing for them. Oh my god, I mean no coffee in the morning.

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So I said it is something you appreciate. Is this something you really absolutely we really appreciate this

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It is

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absolutely a intrinsic and an absolutely critically important part of our lives. There's no way that we can exist without just

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as a fantastic. Now tell me, how many of you thanked that lady, whether it's your daughter, whether it's your sister, whether it's your mother, whether it's your wife?

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How many of you thank that lady for giving you this coffee, every single day of your life.

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They were honest people, so there was dead silence.

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Then one of them was sitting in the front, who was maybe my age, maybe a little bit younger. But meaning he was not a youngster.

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He started sort of very smiling in a very marked way. So I said to myself, I mean, I'm I made a joke or something. I mean,

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do you want to share with us What's so funny?

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He said, No, no, I am not laughing at you is that I'm laughing because if I thank my wife, she will die of shock.

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So I said, let her die. A happy woman.

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Please, thanks.

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Now, this incident ended.

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And on day one, they went home the following morning.

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I always go to class, at least 15 minutes early. Is that on my staff and so on. So more than so I in the class, I am the earlier one of the youngsters, he comes first.

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And he tells me,

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he greets me. And then he says to me, my mother said to me, too, thank you.

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It was really your mother told you to

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thank me. He said, My mother told me to thank you.

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I said for what I mean, I don't know your mother. Right? And

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you're supposed to thank me for what?

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So now he looked a bit sheepish. He says, yesterday, after listening do I went home.

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And when I went home, I thanked my mother.

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I said Rama, thank you so much for making me this coffee every morning.

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He said, finally, my mother's instant reaction was Who told you to say that?

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So he said, I tried to pass it off. And I said, No, no, I realized, I have never thanked you. He said no, no good. Don't give me all this.

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He said, I know.

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I know.

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Who told you to thank me.

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So is that our teacher said this and he told the story.

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The mother says tomorrow morning when you go. First thing. Please thank your teacher

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for pointing out distinctive.

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So we both had a good laugh.

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But that's my point to you.

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How many of you thank the people. Here we are talking about spouses.

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Let's expand that.

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How many of you thank your children? How many of you, thank you parents. How many of you thank your servants, those of you who have servers, your drivers and your cooks and your waiters in your Butler is in a better than whoever

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is there to serve you.

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We are very ungrateful. This is the whole problem.

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We don't thank Allah and we don't talk to people. And that's why we have problems.

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So in the marriage, make sure you thank your husband, or your wife.

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I often ask couples, how many times a day do thank you husband wife?

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How many times a day do you have your husband? You have your wife? How many times a day do you kiss them? I'm not saying roti lira I am going to work I kiss my wife and

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Babaji.

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Genuinely out of love, genuinely to show your appreciation to show your thankfulness thank you for being in my life.

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How many times a day do you hug your wife? How many times a day do you have your husband now eight times a day? Do you kiss your wife? How many times a day do you kiss your husband?

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How many times a day do you tell them that you love them?

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Again, as I told you, it's not a question I'm saying Why should I say no? You should say because I gave you the example of a last round

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is not about whether they know or not. It's about whether you express what's in your heart. They will nobody can see in your heart, they can look inside your heart.

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We take service for granted.

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We don't appreciate, for a lot of people not criticizing is equal to precision. It is not.

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People have taught me this. No, but I've never said anything wrong. No, no, no. Sorry.

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Expressing genuine appreciation is about being thankful to the other person for what they have done for you.

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As I mentioned it, as Adam said, he has not thanked Allah The one who is not saying the people.

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thankfulness, clearly expressed is the lifeblood of a marriage.

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And do it often.

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Do it often.

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Not once when the pyramids were being built?

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Do it often.

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Think about this.

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If things are not going well,

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if there is a problem.

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How many of us hesitate to say what it is? How many of us say no, no, no. Why should I criticize?

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We don't write.

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we criticize very freely.

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This is wrong. That is wrong.

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Food comes to the table. Or there's too much or there's too little thought.

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Who could Google this food? You know?

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Never ever criticized food? Never. If you didn't like something?

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He did not he did. He ate less of it. I did not eat at all. But he never criticized food. He never criticized cooking. He never criticized the food he never said I don't like the food.

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these bad things like these may seem like small three but they're not.

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You know every time if I'm eating and I don't like something.

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Yeah, what I tell myself.

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I tell myself that who is giving me this food.

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Allah subhana wa.

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So if I'm criticizing the food, I'm saying to Allah, Allah, I don't like what you gave me.

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So my focus is on what

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is not our who gave me. It's on what I got.

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Now, how disgusting is that?

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And explain that to you. Let me tell you another story.

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This story is about the king mount of adversity. My mother was

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at his slave as

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my mother was NaVi and is

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it a story is that one day

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my mother passed away he was

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sitting in one evening on the terrace of his palace

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in the vicinity and as we're sitting at his feet

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and Mamet Wasn't he was he had a cucumber which he was cutting

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and they were talking that the two of them were talking if I was me and his labor as they were also very very close and dear friends very very close to each other and as was a very wise way and so my wages dropped because advice for various things. So they're having this conversation

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and during the conversation my wife calls me obviously he wanted to eat this cucumber but while he is talking so he kept cutting pieces of it and giving them to us

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as we take the piece and he read

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this whole thing continued until there was only one last slice of this eucommia which was left

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and my old put this into his mouth

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but you know as you know, cucumbers sometimes all the way extremely bitter. They're like poison. And this one was like that. So when Malmo put that thing in is when they put the slice of cucumber in his mouth and bid on it.

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He immediately spat it out as a last stop or Valhalla whatever what kind of thing is this? This thing is like poison it's so bitter.

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And then he turned to as and he said, for God's sake, I was giving you this thing slice after slice as a slice and you kept eating it. And you do not complain. You would have told me this thing is better.

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You didn't complain Why?

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I said to him by master

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I was so conscious of and so overawed by, and so appreciative of the fact that I'm getting something from the hand of the king.

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That to me that thing has no meaning.

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The very fact that the one giving it to me

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is my master

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is the monarch is the King. That was so such a wonderful thing for me

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that whether that thing was better or not better makes no difference.

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He said, in any case, I bought so many things from you so many beautiful, wonderful things from it. What is one?

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One other thing about and I think what is I say? What is our attitude was Allah subhanho wa Taala with regard to this

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is a bit of an aside, but really speaking, think about it.

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And to bring it back into the, into the logic of the marriage,

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how much of goodness we get from our spouses. And that's why I said write it down, write it down.

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You know, when my father was alive, my mother was very unemotional person. So she didn't do these things. But my father

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while he was alive, obviously, while he was alive with me, you couldn't have done this when he was dead. But

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when I travel a lot, I mean, not the last two years in,

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thanks to COVID I'm sitting in one place, but in Hyderabad,

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I would I would travel, I would travel,

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you know, at least four international trips annually. And internally in within India, many trips, business trips, trips to wildlife sanctuaries for my photography, and so on so forth.

00:27:05--> 00:27:11

Every time I travel, my father would ask me, when are you going back?

00:27:12--> 00:27:19

And then the standard rule was when you reach by your wing, foreigner let me know.

00:27:21--> 00:27:23

And when I got back home,

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he would expect me to call him and if I didn't call him then he would call and he would say what happened he was supposed to come to your flight was supposed to go and five o'clock What happened? As you tell him No, I this flight got delayed or whatever it was.

00:27:36--> 00:28:06

Right? That sometimes I would feel that. I don't say nuisance, but it was this thing. Oh, by, you know, I've got to report to him and so on. And I'm the only one ever brought up in a way where we resented that or we felt that, you know, I after I'm 40 years old, I'm 50 years old. Why must I tell my father where I'm going with that all that never occurred in our minds? 100. But definitely, you know, the the Okay, I will tell him as well. Or swara Let me tell you when he died.

00:28:08--> 00:28:12

The first thing that hit me was now nobody cares.

00:28:16--> 00:28:17

Nobody cares.

00:28:19--> 00:28:20

When I went when I came back,

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my wife is there and she would be concerned

00:28:26--> 00:28:30

by so happened at that time that she was also traveling. She was with our parents in the UK.

00:28:31--> 00:28:42

And there was this period when my wife was not there. I was alone. And my father had passed away. As I told my mom, obviously, my mother cared, but it was not her way she wouldn't call and whatnot.

00:28:45--> 00:28:47

And the thought in my mind was Subhanallah

00:28:49--> 00:28:52

now I don't have the leeway. I do not have to tell anyone because nobody cares.

00:28:57--> 00:28:58

Don't wait for that day.

00:29:00--> 00:29:01

Don't wait for the day.

00:29:03--> 00:29:04

Your husband is dead.

00:29:05--> 00:29:06

Or your wife is dead.

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And then you realize

00:29:11--> 00:29:12

that this person While they were there?

00:29:14--> 00:29:17

Sure, there was a model some news and whatnot.

00:29:18--> 00:29:26

The guy that he won revenue union Mary and an angel like he didn't even mean human beings make mistakes human beings forget human beings.

00:29:28--> 00:29:30

Human beings it tating

00:29:34--> 00:29:35

but that's what it is.

00:29:36--> 00:29:37

And go look in the mirror.

00:29:38--> 00:29:39

Because you also are a human.

00:29:40--> 00:29:48

You also forget, you also make mistakes. You're also very irritating and you're also irritable.

00:29:51--> 00:29:51

So what

00:29:56--> 00:29:57

please

00:29:59--> 00:29:59

learn to forgive

00:30:01--> 00:30:03

Learn to express gratitude.

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How can you make a bad marriage good by this? By learning to forgive? And by learning to express gratitude? How do you learn to forgive? By understanding that you also need forgiveness? How do you express gratitude by understanding that we also need gratitude that we enjoy it

00:30:28--> 00:30:32

as well as our data to enable us to open our hearts and minds to these things,

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which are the beautiful principles of Islam

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and enable us to make our marriages into beautiful associations a beautiful friendship. That adds value to us every single day.

00:30:49--> 00:30:52

Oh sallallahu alayhi wa aalihi wa sahbihi

00:30:53--> 00:30:55

wa salam aleikum wa rahmatullah wa barakato.