Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #05

Salam Al Rahim al hamdu alameen wa sallahu wa salatu salam, ala Maryville, Missouri, Muhammad Rasulullah sallallahu alayhi wa sallam the city, Mancha hyrum cathedra, my mother, my brother and sister we were talking about in the issue of marriage when you're talking about the things to consider before you agree to a proposal. And in that I talked to you about six points. And

let me quickly list those six points. The first and foremost of them is Islam is the

is the religion itself. And of course, the details are in the previous lecture, so I won't,

I won't mention them here, I'm just listing them. So the first one is Islam. Second one is grow in love, not fall in love.

Third one, and then of course, in this growing love, the issue is that love comes out of respect. So have respect for your spouse. Number three is manners because manners, Outlast, beauty, manners, Outlast everything else, and manners you will see and experience on a daily basis. So matters. Number four, is conversation, we will have conversation between you.

And for that being genuinely interested in each other is very important. Number five, is to have a common life goal, or at least to be able to support each other on your life goals, that is very, very important.

We come to the sixth one, which I mentioned partially

in my last lecture.

And so I will quickly go over that, but which is the family looking at the whole family.

As I told you that as far as we are concerned, in our culture, our culture, I don't mean an Indian culture or Pakistani culture. I mean, the Islamic culture.

It is true that in the West, a lot of people, not everybody, because this is also some among the mistaken ideas about the about the West, where many times, many Muslims, especially from the Middle East, and from the Indian subcontinent, South Asia,

we hear this a lot of times, and this, this kind of conversation must not be encouraged, which is that we hear how people in the West,

you know, they abandon their parents in their old days, they don't look after them.

And then then people are not interested in me, the family itself has no meaning, and so on, and so forth. Now, please understand these, all of these generalizations are wrong and false. I know.

I have lived I'm now living in America, I have lived in America before. And I have been in and out of what is called the West, be it West, meaning from where I am in India, wherever that's my land of birth. So I've been in Africa, I've been in Europe, I've been in America. I've been in South America. And I have seen exactly the same patterns in India in the Middle East, as I've seen here, which is I've seen people who are very family oriented. I've seen families which are really strong. I've seen families where the children take very good care of their parents in their old age.

I know one case, where this son, the only son,

his parents, mother has Alzheimer's father has

kidney failure.

So he has to take the father for dialysis. And mother has Alzheimer's mother's got now no memory left. Now what did this son do? The son sold his house, he resigned from his job.

So he has some investment. So that's he gets his income from that. And he came to live in the parents house. And in the parents house, because of the mother as I was in the father situation, the two of them can't be in the same room. So he has a mother living in one room, one bedroom father living in the other bedroom. And on the landing between the two bedrooms, he bought his bed and he sleeps and he lives on the landing between the two rooms. And he takes care of both parents now, find me a better example of a dutiful son. In any culture, any country, right? Make dua and this is this person is not even a Muslim, this person anonymously, so make dua for his or her dad mcdow for

his parents. The point I'm saying is that you have every kind of person everywhere. So these kinds of

stereotypical images and these kind of discrimination, discriminatory images, please if you have them in your mind, remove them.

They are completely wrong. So therefore, it's important to look at the whole family, when you want to decide if you want to marry a particular man or woman.

In that, again, the same order, which is first and foremost, look at their

practice of their religion, are they on the right, Takeda or you have people who are on one or the other extreme, you don't want to marry into people who are, you know, in any kind of extreme form. You don't want to marry people who are

who are an eye idol worshipers in any way, which is great worship and so on, so forth. You also want to marry people who sometimes you find people who are not great worshiping and so on. I mean, otherwise, they are okay. But they are extremely critical.

If you listen to the conversation, as I mentioned in the earlier one, also listen to conversations. Is that conversation more critical or more compassionate and supportive? Is it more appreciative? Is it more grateful? Is it more inclusive? Or is the conversation only pointing fingers and criticizing people criticizing,

you know, whatever it might be, which one is this very important for you to understand that have that in mind, because that that influence that shows you the kind of orientation now, when you come into that picture, you are going to experience the same thing, these people are going to be looking at you with a with a magnifying glass the whole time, and it wears you down, believe me, it completely wears you down. You cannot nobody can survive in an atmosphere, which is super critical.

So it is very important to be sure and if you find that it's a kind of family and a culture of being super critical of criticizing, of constantly moaning and groaning of a lack of gratitude and believe me, you're much better off

taking cold showers right? Or find somebody else to marry. So look at the Akiva look at the religious practice. Are they serious about their Deen? Do they do the basic look at the basic fundamentals? I mean, now we're not looking at you know people being have just gone on or on movies. I'm doing basic fundamental first and foremost of that is are they serious about Salah do they pray on time? Right men women whoever do they pray on time this is very important for us to understand that and then of course the rest of it then look at the culture can you fit into that culture whatever their culture is, make sure that you are comfortable in that culture and that you can fit

into it because the whole issue of marriage within course, the problem within course of marriage is that it's a long term decision. It's not a decision for one week it's not a decision for one month it's not a decision for one year where you can say okay, you know I will count the days it will be finished very quickly if something goes wrong No, this is to all intents and purposes a lifetime decision.

If it goes wrong then you are stuck with it.

If it goes right and it's not a roulette table decision is not a gamble Alhamdulillah it is possible to keep your eyes and ears open and to take a an informed decision about what is good and bad Of course at the end of it there is always going to be the excitement of discovery there's always going to be something which you did not do which you didn't think of that's okay that is perfectly okay that happens and that won't kill you. But the idea is reduced the number of things that are likely to surprise you. Because some sometimes some surprises are nasty shocks you don't want to do that for yourself.

So culture, their habits and lifestyles.

Can you live with all of them me very clear about that.

Now, now the today I'm going to talk to you about the issue of of living in a joint family.

If you married to john family, and if you have to live with your husband's

family. This is the usual now the the woman goes to the

to the to her husband's house and she lives with the husband's family. In a in some rare cases you find that the husband will live with the with the wife's family, right? In our Hyderabadi parlance we call it gamma.

But that's not so common. What is much more common is the wife to live with her husband

And the husband family.

There, first and foremost, be mentally prepared, that the degree of adjustment is going to be much, much more

people come to me for advice. And sometimes they say to me, you know what I, for me, it's easy because I come from a joint family myself, I have grown up in a joint family.

Let me explain something do in your joint family, you were the sister,

you were the daughter, you are not the daughter in law.

And there is a wide difference. There's a difference between the heavens and the earth, between a daughter and a daughter in law.

Right? If the daughter doesn't wake up in the morning, if the daughter is sleeping late, if the daughter doesn't come and wash the dishes,

she is tired.

She's taking rest? If the daughter in law does not do that, she's lazy. How did she what kind of upbringing did she have?

What did her mother teacher

I'm looking at the worst case scenario. So I'm not saying that every

joint family will be like this. But there are many which are and therefore it is very important to be mentally prepared, and to be sure that you are know what you are getting into. Right? Because as I told you, you don't want surprises, you do not want surprises. Because this is not a place to be surprised. This is marriage is a place where not everything will be no. And so therefore there will be some excitement. But it is very, very clear that after

after you get married, the amount of adjustments will be much more for a simple reason that there are many more people for you to deal with. If it's a nuclear family, you and your husband, you have career only with one man, you and your wife, you got to deal with only one woman. But in a joint family it is the parents of the spouse, if there are siblings, a sibling of the spouse, children of siblings, you got the you got those to deal with. In some cases, you have the grandparent of the spouse, all of this can be a great asset for you. I've seen joint families where daughters are they literally rule the place because everyone loves them. Everybody loves them.

Right? They love them. The daughter in laws i have i've seen I've seen I know a case where a daughter in law was

when the marriage happened, everybody predicted disaster. They said this girl is from a completely different culture.

The ground level, both parties were Muslim and both parties were from the same ethnicity from the Indian subcontinent, but the culture is very different.

The girl grew up in the West she was born and brought up in the West. They said oh my god, she's

never ever settled and this will have

today their children are getting married.

The very happy parents in all love the daughter in law.

So I guess it's not it's not to say that every joint family marriage is ended disaster does not my mother gave into a joint family, she lived in a children's family. And I know that she had a lot of different a lot of difficulty in the beginning a

lot of difficulty. But Alhamdulillah she adjusted, she made a success of it.

And, you know, times change, times change, people change, people go away, some people die, some people, you know, remove travel, whatnot.

But the whole point of this is reduce the number of things that you might have to adjust or

reduce the number of probabilities.

So if you're going to marry into a joint family, first and foremost, be mentally prepared. The degree of adjustment will be far more. That's the first one. Second thing is

I'm not saying that you should not marry into junk family but because your

adjustment has to be more. You need two things. You need a thick skin and you need a big heart.

You need to be you need to be by thick skin. I mean you need to have a lot of patience, a

lot of patience

and you need to have a big heart meaning you need

To be able to live love people who are very different from whoever you will have before.

You have to be able to love people and forgive people, you have to be able to say it's okay it doesn't matter. One day somebody said that my okay doesn't really, this wasn't didn't mean that expect the best from them, make sure that you don't

think about the worst, as far as they are concerned, and so on. So big art and thick skin.

Very, very important. And you

Mr. Osbourne was his wife, you need to be willing to change.

If you are rigid about yourself, and you say no, no, I can't change. This is the time I wake up in the morning, this is the kind of food I eat, these are the kinds of clothes I wear this, this this this No, it will fit your marriage will fail. If that is your case, I would say please do not marry into that family.

Find somebody else to make.

Otherwise, you are writing a recipe for disaster for yourself. Don't do that yourself. You don't deserve it. Nobody deserves it. So make sure that you are willing to change yourself and adjust to other people. Otherwise, you are headed for sublime torture, which will kill your marriage sooner or later.

Nobody can Outlast that nobody can survive that.

If there is a lot of incompatibilities, it is going to show up, it is going to cause

problems for you. And you can't survive that. So don't go into that.

Another very important thing,

don't think that you can go in there, and then you will tell your husband or you will get your husband or your wife to go and live separately by yourself 99.999 times out of 10% of the time, that does not happen.

That does not happen. If that is to happen. Put that as a condition of marriage right in the beginning,

do not do the naked until you are living or until your husband as you know or your wife as

in this is not your wife, it will be the husband to do that

has a separate house and you as the prospective bride are willing to move out from your family and stay with him. And vice versa.

Make sure that is all done and you know, the deal is done before you get married.

So that's usually not going to happen, what will happen is that you will stay in the family. So make sure that you take care of the thing which I mentioned you.

So keep your eye on the future and accept the present as the price for not being

you know, for for for a marriage be successful. Now

one of the upsides of a joint family and again as I keep on making these statements, because I am overly careful about generalizations, usually the benefit of a joint family is that you are not lonely.

You are not alone and you are not lonely two different things.

You are not alone meaning somebody or the other will be will always be interested in you and your life. You can see that as being interested. You can see that as interference. It's up to you how you interpret that somebody or the other is going to, for example say you know you're you're going out or Okay, where are you going? When we'll be back? Who will be there?

A lot of times you will find that these kinds of questions are asked by the elders. mother in law father in law father in law, you really don't ask too many questions, but the mother in law will ask. Now your choice. You can see that as old as one always interferes. Or you might say no, she's interested in my life. And also think about that in many cases.

Parents really have their own youth through you. So it is a unconscious thing she by showing interest and taking interest in your life. She's getting a thrill out of that herself. So why did I

after all, where you're going who you're going to meet is not some state secret.

So tell

big

You know,

I used to when my parents were alive.

Anytime I traveled, I mean, I traveled internationally for my consulting work. Anytime I traveled.

Every time I returned, the rule was that my father wanted me to call and tell him that I have arrived home safely.

Right? Now sometimes you forget, and you forget, sometimes my father will be it, who can make a phone call? And I used to think No, why are you I mean, I'm within quotes old enough, I'm in my 40s Why must you? Why was the call and delivery and so on. But believe me, when they died,

that is what I miss more than anything is

the fact that nobody now there is no one who cares. If I am, in my case, hamdulillah that's not true. Because my wife is at hamdulillah me Allah bless her. But I'm saying, as far as the parents are concerned, there's no one in that generation who cares. And not because they stopped caring, they're dead, I mean, they're gone.

So don't wait to lose it before you appreciate.

Same thing with the virgin rock, the parents will ask. And if they ask, this is a blessing. And Allah Allah gave me a very beautiful parents Allah, I had the most beautiful relationship with them. Both of them also passed away my like random generator for those

my Bibles to complete just to say my mother looks after looks after you more than she looks after me.

So please understand this. Again, in our culture, there's a difference between how the woman is treated and how the man is treated.

And talking about the man being treated the son in law, that doesn't necessarily mean that the daughter in laws changed in the same way.

So, if you are a woman listening to this thing, think about all that is well

make sure that you are clear in terms of that. So joint families mean more people are interested in you and your welfare more people, which can be interpreted by you as interference.

If you interpret that as interest, you will have a grand time if you interpret that as interference, then you will have a very bad time.

It means that nobody will not be left alone. So in the middle of the night, if you have a stomachache, you will not have to suffer, somebody will be there to take care of you to take care of that emergency. It means that you will have support, free support, you don't have to pay for it.

Especially in the raising of children.

And I don't mean simply as unpaid as and unpaid, you know, babysitters, I mean

child support in terms of raising children in terms of somebody who is interested enough in that child to take care of the child like the mother or the father because they are the mother or the father they are the grandfather or the grandmother. Also in communicating culture communicating values in in giving the children role models and that's also another reason why you must ensure that that role model is not the wrong problem is not the wrong role model. You must make sure that the values that the grandparents are communicating to the children know our values that you want to communicate with.

And don't even try once you have the children the grandparents are there Don't even try to tell the grand grandmother or grandfather no don't tell my child this. This is a very big problem with a lot of young parents. They want to change the value system of their parents.

Please don't do that. Don't try Don't even try that. That is a decision you should have made that's something you should have thought about before you got married and before you decided to live in a joint family it's very insulting for the for the elderly people to be told Oh no, no, no, no my eye you know you this is this kind of thing you're doing in the light in your life is wrong.

I don't want my children to learn that your children, they are their blood also. Your children have got their genes in them.

It's not your children, their children also

double whammy you are their child and they are and your children are also their children. So don't talk to the grandparents as if you own the children.

Right you own your dog or your cat. You don't want your son or daughter your son and daughter is also theirs. So be respectful. Be considerate.

And as I told you if you really think there is a big cultural difference is a big problem with the with the with the way they look at religion or manners or whatnot. Then, you know bad bad luck to you and bad news to do something usually looked at and decided before you got married.

Don't be insulting to them.

So you will get a lot of the raising the beauty of

being raised in a home in which grandparents are live and until I had like give me the best of this because I lived in a home where my grandparents were very much there

in my in my mother on my mother's side I literally lived in my grandparents home, the homeowners

and my parents lived separately and their my my father's mother and father lived with us so hamdulillah through my childhood, I had the benefit of both sides of grandparents and huge influence huge learning from both sides and I am so grateful to Allah subhanaw taala for this for the love and the affection, there's nobody who can give more love and affection than a grandparent or grandchild.

So, this is very very important to for us to understand

and and be sure about so you are going to have a lot of I mean other people interested and that will do a house it is yours. Whether you see that as interference or honors concern whether you see that as being nosy or concerned is up to you.

And therefore both have consequences. You will have a lot of support

which you can also see as interference.

Many people

I've seen many young parents quite okay with leaving their children with the grandparents when they go on to go out and they want to meet somebody and they want to go you know have a party or whatnot with their friends. Free child

get triggers, free babysitters most welcome. But then when the same grandparent wants to say something to the child while your child is doing some stupidity and the grandparent wants to reprimand them, then you get all all hot under the collar. Please doesn't work like that does not work like that.

You're in it or you're not or you're not in it. So if you are going to accept their support, then you're also going to accept whatever else comes with it. Alhamdulillah look at it positively. It's very important if your child is doing stupidity, that child needs reprimanding the child needs correcting. And there's no one better to correct that child than the grandparents. So respect the grandparents because they are your parents and both sides. Your wife's parents are your parents because they are married to you and your husband's parents are your parents because you are married to them.

So they are actually your parents, they are not your biological parents but but they are your parents in law, by the law they are your parents. So treat them like parents not like outlaws

now leaving the joint family to live on your own may not

First of all, it may not be an option because of cost factors and whatnot

and secondly even where it is possible. Once you are in the joint family if you want to get out of it and live usually it's because you can't get along and so on and that comes at a big cost it comes at a cost of a lot of heartburn and emotions and relationships. It's not something that you will enjoy it's not something that is good and therefore it is something that I do not recommend I would say try to make the best decision right in the beginning and

avoid all of this Now I'm not saying that if you didn't make the best best decision then you know suffer die No, I mean if you have to move out you have to move out if you know there is whatever cost you need to pay you need to pay. But if you if you keep your eyes and ears open and if you're also as I mentioned before,

your ego or your self esteem does not depend on somebody else's opinion of you.

So if you are looking for a situation where somebody is constantly praising us Oh but you see my mother used to do this. This comparison between the mother and the mother in law will kill any marriage. First of all, your mother was not as great as you thought she was. Or you would like to pretend she was she was a human being or she is a human being and so as your mother

except that in this Mother Mother comparison you will not see the negativity or negative things about your mother and you will not see the positive things about your mother in law.

So please, what is food my mother did well my mother always cooked everybody mother is the best cook in the world. Uh, you know, and I know That's rubbish.

And that's a handle on my mother never cooked anything in her life. So there was no comparison. And I was gonna compare that as the Oh my mother did it better because my mother did nothing. She did not do any cooking at all. She

Didn't like when she didn't do it. And I'm gonna assume lived in a time in a place where she didn't need to do it.

So this comparison between my parents and my spouse's parents is a killer. Don't do that. Do not do that.

Be big hearted, be well mannered.

Don't try to score miserable points on on various things. Be grateful,

be supportive, and you will be the king or the queen in that whole.

You don't know this, then you will have problems, you will create problems for others. And at the end of the day, you will suffer because if you have to break up and go, I'm not even talking about divorce. I'm saying if you have to uproot and go on this final point, from an Islamic point of view, for the ladies,

especially for the girls.

Never ever put your husband in a situation where he has to choose between you and his mother.

Because under the feet of his mother is Janna under your feet is mud.

If he has to choose between his mother and you, and if he is religiously, if he's a religious person, if he is true to Islam, he is going to choose his mother, unless there is a

human rights issue. Unless his mother is coming and going for you with a chopper then, of course, but short of that.

I can't get along with her. She is dying like this. She's like that, right?

I don't like her cooking. What not? No, no, none of that will work. If you are going to force your husband to choose between you and his mother, he is going to choose his mother.

And you will be out in the court. Don't ever put your husband in that situation. And remember, and they will come if Allah gives you sons, and if your son has a wife, like you're like you, then your son will be in the same position where he will have to choose between you and his wife. What would you like him to choose? Put yourself in that position? And say that if I was this man's mother, would I want this man to throw me out and choose his wife? Or would I want this man to tell me as the wife? Worst case scenario, Solomonic.

But my mother comes first, which one?

You know the answer to that. So do not put yourself in that situation.

Don't ever put yourself in a situation where you have to make your husband choose between the mother and the between you. That is his wife and his mother.

Now for the advice for the boys. If you find that your wife or your mother, baby mothers are equally good at this, if you find that your wife or your mother are trying to put you in that position as the referee,

you tell them no, no, no, sorry, I am not the referee. Otherwise you will get drawn into to and you will have to make this nasty decision to choose between your wife and your mother who don't want to be in that situation. So you tell them sorry, you know what? Let's do this. Either you stop fighting, get along, like a house on fire be be well otherwise, if you want to fight, no problem, right? I will be a spectator.

I will not be the referee. I'm going to watch you fight. And I'm going to have my popcorn and I will have my coke. And I will watch you fight.

Go ahead please. I will not take sides. I will not interfere. Don't come and tell me the story. I will be very happy to listen to the story and I will write a book on the stories. But I will not give an opinion. And I will not say you are right or you're right up to you.

Right stay far, far away. Never put yourself in a position where you have to choose between your wife and your mother.

I hope I have made this clear. And may Allah protect you from such things. These are some of the nastiest things that happen in marriage. And it does not have to be a joint family for this one to have and believe me this, this chose Joyce Joyce between mother and wife is something which happens everywhere. Now you might say the women might say How come I don't mention the choice between father and husband. That almost never happens it I've never seen it happening. I have seen many many in 36 years of my marriage and in marriage counseling for you know guidance how many people have never ever seen that situation seems to be some woman related thing a lot of us best May Allah bless all

the all the women.

I wish you all the very best. Until next time. That is Sarajevo commercial knock

levels you just like milk that was inadequate.