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Living Islam – Marriage, Making and Living it #04

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Mirza Yawar Baig

Channel: Mirza Yawar Baig

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Episode Transcript

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Amanda Rahim al hamdu Lillahi Rabbil alameen wa salatu salam ala shall be able mousseline. Muhammad Rasul, Allah is Allah Allah highly highly, he was seldom at the Sleeman kathira.

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Our brothers sisters, the, we continue with our

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series of lectures on marriage, and I was talking to you about the keys to

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making a marriage, a happy marriage. And

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all that we need to

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be clear about, which is I call them the critical requirements. And there are, as I said, six of them.

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We talked about three, and four actually does.

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last session, and let me quickly go over them. Just as a reminder, the first one, of course, is Islam, what is the How is the religion of the person you're marrying the man or the woman because this is what our pseudo solemn,

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reminded us and told us to focus on and choose for that reason for religion.

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Second one I told you forget falling in love, think about growing in love.

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And the third one, and extremely important is manners, what are the manners of that person like? And the fourth one, I said, is conversation.

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Because conversation is the lifeblood of marriage, and therefore, it is a very critical and important thing. We look at the fifth one now, which is a common life goal. Now,

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having said common life goal, I'm don't mean necessarily that it should be exactly the same thing, right? I want to be a doctor, my wife also should want to be a doctor No. But commonalities look for commonalities, in interests, of commonalities in life goals.

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commonality is very important. Especially there should be a match. If especially if you are passionate about something, because otherwise, it can lead one guy Do you want one break about it, it becomes sometimes a

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it's like a

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stone in your shoe, you know, it's to begin with, it's small and later on, it causes a sore there as you continue to walk. Remember that you are with delight, Allah, Allah subhanaw taala give you a long and very fulfilling and happy married life, you may be you may be together for 20 or 30 years, 40 years, people celebrated their golden wedding anniversary, which means 50 years, right? I'm not asking you to celebrate the anniversary, I'm just mentioning things to so you are going to be together for the next several to many decades. decades, not years, inshallah.

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So therefore, it's important that you get on get on with the right things, otherwise, and then make sure that you're going to be focused in generally the same direction because otherwise, you're going to spend a lot of time alone or you will, you know, you will have you will create conflicts, you will have conflicts

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in today's age, also.

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Sometimes, you know, people think that it is possible,

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she can do our own thing, I can do my own thing. And we can still be happy together. Yes or no? Depends on what their own thing is. Right depends on what their own thing is. Now, my wife and I, we've been married for 36 years.

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My interests, one is of course my interest in leadership, training and development are absolutely

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passionate about that. hamdulillah passionate about my Deen and very passionate about putting the two together my

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my key, I think, contribution I likey. USB is not I have never claimed to be an alum of Islam.

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In Egypt training and development Yes, definitely. Alhamdulillah vizilite Allah I have a

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international standing. But in Islam, I'm like everybody else I'm trying to learn trying to do what I can do.

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But what I do try to what I do try and have been successful in that is to bridge this gap between Islam as in,

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in theology, and our modern way of life, especially living in the West and today the West is everywhere. It's not just

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a direction. The West is everywhere.

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Because we all live in westernized cultures, westernized societies, we all speak English language, for example, for that matter, we work for Western corporations, we use products, which are Western in origin, although most of them are manufactured in China, and so on and so forth. So there is very, very often there is a big disconnect between traditional Islamic values Islamic ethics, morals, and Western ethics, morals and values. Now, I'm not saying what is I'm not saying that what is right or what is wrong, I mean, obviously, Islam is Islam is right, there's no doubt about that. But not everything in the West is wrong. There are many, many, many things in the West which are

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very beautiful and very,

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an extremely good

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but there is sometimes a conflict of, of understanding. And so I've tried to to bridge that two or two because I live in two worlds I live right now actually, I live I'm even living in America. So, but even when I lived in India, I mentally and

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figuratively speaking as well as mentally as well as psychologically I live in two worlds because I call I consult with corporate organizations which are mostly Western and then of course I we have our own Masjid in Hyderabad and so on so forth. So there is a very strong Islamic fundamental for I started Foundation, fundamental Islamic Foundation, which is the fundamental of our Deen which is the the pillar of our Deen, which is Islam. And so therefore, I you know, I, I live in these two worlds. So that's why I try to bring these two together. So the my, my interest is this, this is Islam and leadership development. And then my other very major interests, which I'm very passionate

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about is the outdoors. This is the environment

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not nearly as an active activist in environment against environmental pollution in favor of wildlife and environment, canons of ecological conservation. And as a photographer, I am very passionate about photography, especially wildlife photography, wildlife and birds. So this is my Look, my wife, on the other hand, is an abstract painter, she's an artist, she is into abstract painting she's into

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and so therefore, you know, impressionists and all kinds of,

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of art work, especially painting and abstract is our forte, she's a very fine abstract painter herself.

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So and then my other interest is writing. So I write, I write books, I have currently published 40 books

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for zero.

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And I'm Lila, my latest book is on my mighty planting experience, which will be out next week. And after that will be a book which is also an imprint is also gone to the publisher, which is on my it's called from India to in to the Indies, which is my childhood and youth.

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where I grew up in Hyderabad, and then I at the age of 22, I traveled to South America to Ghana, where I lived in work for five years. So I have written about those those times and

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my journeys and what I did in in both places, and not just what I did as in incident incident but learnings basically my all my writing is is concerned with my with my learnings in life. I'm trying to get this Toby to sit in one place, okay.

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So with the so that book will be out and

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that will be the 41st book, and then I write all my foodbuzz.

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So, the second Hallmark book, since being in America will also come out inshallah.

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Again, all of this will happen between September and October. And

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the point I want to make is therefore I spend a lot of time at my desk or with my camera or

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before COVID traveling, so going to places especially South Africa, especially the African country, especially wildlife sanctuaries in India and so on. Now, my wife's interest in wildlife is zero.

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Far line is a line in the line, you know, and it did wonders.

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For me, you know, each one has its own individuality and whatnot. Her interest in in photography is exactly like my interest in abstract painting or other painting, which is, I look at the picture as though I look nice. And, and that's it

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might as an abstract painting, sometimes I don't even think it looks like it looks nice. I go purely by visual appeal, if I like it, I like it.

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Sometimes I look at the abstract painting. And I said, What does it mean? My wife says, what does it mean to you? Now that's like, you know, because it really,

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my brain goes like, cat with a ball of wood.

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So as you can see, our two interests are very different. Also, she spends a lot of time in our studio, and I spend a lot of time my, in my, in my study, studio study. SDU is the only common thing in that. And then of course, I spent a lot of time outdoors.

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Now, outdoors, my wife's again, she has to be dragged, you know, we were tortured on a four wheel truck to take her outdoors.

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When she goes, she enjoys it. But most of the time, she's indoors, she likes to be indoors, he likes to paint and so on. Very different. Now he will say, Well, how come you lasted for 36 years, because we appreciate each other we appreciate each other's work. Even if you don't understand something, we appreciate each other's work. We also have

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we have our own understanding with each other for example, I am severely allergic to,

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to shopping. So I never go I skirt far away from malls and shops. Everything I have our own or where my wife gets it for me, she she used to does the shopping, including things like shoes, and so on. So she says it's crazy, it's your fault, you need to try it out. I said no, you, this is my side, you get it. If it doesn't fit, then you didn't it.

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But

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my wife also has full access to our bank account, she has a credit card, which I never questioned about.

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So you have to have these things which are, you know, which which which work. I mean, you can't say Well, I'm not going to go shopping, but then you know, you can't have the money to shop. So then what happens? So this is the the meeting of minds in terms of values meeting of, of understanding between what's important to you what's important, me, and how do the to work and function together. Just because there are there's a difference in

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understanding difference in interest does not mean that everything falls apart, it doesn't fall apart, provided you respect each other. And provided you allow each other space to operate within that framework. So when I go out for example, even though we may I mean, I think in general, we are going to sit together and watch the and enjoy nature. Sometimes it breaks my heart when I'm outside I want to show or something I just want to look at is good. We'll see. I look here there's my wife is not division, she hasn't come with me. I would give an arm and a leg to have her come out with me in the in the wilds in the in the bushes also. But I know she doesn't like it. She did it initially

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when we when we got married out of politeness. And I think

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that was a big mistake we made because one day

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there was very, very more of my dearest or DDS friend I ever had called bodies was he died in an accident. Now so but his wife Jenny and my wife and I,

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in OT, in, in the Navy's we went those days, we used to I used to hunt. So we were going on. We were going on a hunt

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after summer. And

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to make a long story short, we walked eight hours. And this is up and down hills. And I think that

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my wife's lifetimes interest in

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the outdoors. It ran out in that one in that one day. And after that I've never been able to persuade or even to to step out of the you know, out of the front or into the front yard. So anyway, I mean, you make mistakes and learn from from them. But the point I'm making is that now that I know she's not interested, I don't insist on it. Now I still invite her but she doesn't come so similarly she doesn't invite me to go and for example, they went the other day Maci and a friend of ours. When one of our one of our very close friends from Delhi. They went to New York to the museum of, of Modern Art

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MoMA

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But I didn't go there.

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I just stayed home and I, I was reading a Connie Golden's book. And that was fantastic. I enjoyed myself sitting at home, reading my book, and they weren't. And the two of them went to the Museum of Modern Museum of Modern Art. I know if I had gone I'd have been miserable. And she knows that. So she doesn't tell me no, no, he was come no, similarly, the same thing. So thing is common interest. But if the things are two opposite things, then there is a problem because for example, if you are,

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you know, if you are the equivalent of George Soros, and your wife is,

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is an activist, is she's the equivalent of you know, the the chief of the Communist Party, then you're going to have problems. I mean, so think, think about that.

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Now,

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having said all of this, now you need support in your life goal. And this is something that my wife has done with me all my life wishes that she supported me completely and totally in my life. Well, that's a very long story. It's a beautiful story. Those of you who are interested, read my book, it's called an entrepreneur's diary, where I have traced this and what I do and you know how we struggle believe him to make a long story short for 13 years, we did not take a single days vacation 13 years.

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Now, I was doing that because I was passionate about about studying leadership and management. But my wife did not have cooperated with me in that machine.

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every spare cent every spare those cents in those days will pass us because we were in India, every spare Peiser was spent on my training on books, which I needed to buy on. third class train fares to go from place to place to start to study. And that man, that meant that that money was not available to my wife as discretionary spending. She wanted to spend something what they just wasn't there. I was earning a pittance. Anyway, so there wasn't much money to spare In any case, and whatever there was to spare went in my training and my studying for myself, right?

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She never complained.

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Everyone, we were living in the boondocks, we're in the tea gardens, very, very beautiful part of the world. But obviously, isolated. Every one of our friends had a television set. We didn't have it. They all had in those days. VCRs video cassette recorders with these to watch videos, you know, video films. The woman has to watch video films, at least one a day. We didn't have either of them, not because we were you know, very pious, but because we had no money she never completed. One month after we got married. I went off to do my executive MBA in the I Am amdavad. And she went to her parents and that time my parents were in the UK. So she went to look at the entire duration of that

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period of study.

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Those days did telecom telephone calls, which is a international prank calls were astronomically expensive. I had no money. So that entire period we did not speak for us. We didn't have we didn't even make one single telephone call.

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Letters. Yeah, you could read a letter. It took three weeks to get to the UK and then if she replied immediately took her two or three weeks to get back.

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But she cooperated with me. So she has been absolutely my backbone. As far as my achievements are concerned, I can quite happily say that Allah Subhana Allah supported me and in this world, my wife supported me otherwise I would never have succeeded. And I'm the reliable army. That is why it's very important to have separate interest but especially for your

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life goal you need support. So whatever it is, whether you alive goal is to change the world or to raise children. It is the same thing. Believe me raising children is the most important and then the most

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time consuming, and activity that I can ever imagine.

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And hamdulillah mercifully Allah subhanaw taala did not give me any children. That's why books are how people should raise children.

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But you need that support. So you need to support her. In that in raising of children, you meaning the men and the woman. If she supports you in your life gold and you are willing beyond Oh very good thing to shut your mouth about everything else. You need somebody to give you to share your pain and joy. You need someone to give you ideas you need to find someone to listen to you with interest, at least pretend to be a good actor.

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You definitely do not need somebody who runs your life goal down as being unimportant. Now this happens quite a lot, especially if you if the interests are

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Separate, you might have the wife or the husband, very passionate about something. In other words, I do it What the hell is not important. And that's like showing a red rag to a bull. That's a good way of committing suicide.

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You need someone who has a life goal that inspires you to invest your time, energy, emotion and thought in that. So that's why that's what my wife did on my life were inspired as well. And she invested her life in my life wall and hamdulillah that that was the reason why I was able to succeed.

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Serious long term pursuits are the secret to a happy marriage. So having a live goal is a very important thing. Also for your marriage. It's, it gives you purpose for the marriage, otherwise, it's you know, the marriage sometimes just run just runs out of

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out of interest out of Bosu.

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kiddie parties, boys nights out the bowling alley, your club, where all of these things are a

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detriment to the marriage. If you are going to the bowling alley, little boy husband and I both go together, right. But if you are the launch auto it is if you are going to spend long times apart from each other, it is not going to do much good to your marriage.

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If you do that, there at least make sure that you take vacations, you go together somewhere where Just the two of you and so on, that that might work. That might work. But tying together to make it short time together is absolutely critical. For a happy marriage, we come to the sixth one, which is the family and you're talking about selecting your spouse. So, as I said the whole idea of lightboard and so on is in that conversation you have when you meet your spouse or prospect a spouse, you are going to talk about this then we come to the family. Now look at the whole family. It's very important because the whole family

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influences the individual the individual is going to be like the rest of the family yes musasa was born in the in the

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the family of Iran and his wife did not look at the family of around when she married him. But those are exceptions. If you find that your the family of the of your wife is not very serious about religion, you know they will eat anything which which walks or will stop walking.

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their earnings are from various sources they don't care. As long as the money comes. It's okay. How are the MA variables that Abdullah would tell me whatever comes you know, it's okay. And they are into ostentation they are into showing off their into now. Don't trust them with a bargepole. No matter how much you think you are in love with that boy or that girl with that man or the woman? Leave them alone. It's not it's not going to work out. Because more than likely, no matter what they tell you what this young man or woman tells you in your meeting.

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The chances are the influence is there. One of the problems with these face to face meetings is you must have them they as I told you in Islamic Islamic mandate, islamically they're mandated. But obviously, this is like a like a job interview that you don't go to the job interview in your pajamas. But you're going to wake up every day in every every morning in your pajamas. So these meetings meeting sometimes tend to be a bit artificial, everybody eyes both of them are on their best behavior. I'm not saying go there and misbehave.

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But you know, necessarily to think about that also. What you're what you're seeing there is not exactly how that person is it doesn't mean they are fooling you, but just means that you know different situations people are different. So, look at the whole family, go to meet the whole family. Look at their VEDA look at their religious practice. And without asking the see do they at the time of Salah do they get up they pray? Or what happens about all the raffia look around the house? Do you see any timepieces and stuff? What do you see in the house? What is put there what is not put there? What do they celebrate? What is their culture like? If you are looking at a

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prospective right? And you find that you know the mother doesn't know the job. Sisters aren't nobody does the job. And then you are expecting your wife to be a job in your career. Well, you know,

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give yourself a break.

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So the lifestyle, the norms, my mother May Allah forgive her and bless her and give her Jana she used to say in order to

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k malman k. Kotaku, Jamie, aka Pavan de la,

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Jaguar is, is gold brocade, which is heavy. And Merman is very fine Muslim. So she used to say if a Muslim cloth Muslim, you know Kota shirt has a tan, you don't put a Jaguar

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brocade patch on it, because you put a heavy patch on it, it'll tell you even more. So what she meant was that the importance of economic matching between the two families? Yes,

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it is, you know, I'm not saying that, obviously, dollar for dollar doesn't have to match. But if you marry somebody who's from a very different and an economically a very widely different background, then the chances are that the marriage won't work in economic differences is not just about money. It's about what is important in their lives, what is their focus in their lives, and so on and so forth.

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I have seen many times people who come from

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poor backgrounds, in many cases, they are very much more money focused than somebody who comes from a wealthy background.

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That's not necessarily a bad thing, because it means that they have more energy, they will learn something, they are also more careful about preserving things, not throwing things away, and so on. So there's a good aspect to it as well. But there could also be a negative aspect to it, which is much more material focused, whereas you might want to be more spiritual and, you know, more charitable and so on the other one may not happen. Again, I see I'm very careful in what I'm saying, because I'm speaking in generalities, necessarily for the subject. But don't imagine that you can, that it's, you know, that that exactly, everything has to match. So economic backgrounds

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are very important. Think about this and say that, can you live with our family, because you are marrying, you want to be interacting with our family, right? In our culture, we don't marry like, many in by in many Western countries where it's just the two of them, and they live on their own. And the rest of either as a family doesn't matter. No, here it matters very much, we are very much in the family. Now.

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Some aqidah issues are of course, completely incompatible. So don't even go clear. For example, families that are into grave worship and dargahs and so on. Don't even touch them with a bargepole. Just forget it, no matter how, you know, whatever else is attractive. That doesn't work.

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Other issues may not be

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totally incompatible, but still difficult to live with, for example, take things like seriousness about Salah take about a serious murder, take the issue of you know, some now the beard for the for the man and so on. I won't say it's completely incompatible. But I would say that it is something it's like the like the stone in the foot. Over time, it will create source. If it doesn't change, then over time you're going to find is getting more and more and more difficult. And you might end up with with a breakup. So ideally speaking, all especially belief issues, ethics and morals issues, fundamental issues of values. These you must agree on

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other things behaviorally, for example, tasting clothes, and so on. As long as I'm not I'm not saying you know, we're not talking about non Sharia clothes. But you know, colors does that mean? Those are

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definitely livable. Now,

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as I said, I know you didn't marry the whole family you married one person, but in our culture, the family is very much part of the equation. Even in Western cultures, it is well taught to a certain extent but not so much. In our cultures, which is the Middle East, the subcontinent cultures, the fall and the African cultures family is extremely important family is very much part of the culture, family influences and continues and will continue to influence. So if you don't want to spend the rest of your life fighting to keep your husband or wife on the right track, then you better make sure that the family is on the same track as you are. The same goes for lifestyle manners, food

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habits, things that get that they give importance to and so on. It's not necessary to have an absolute replica of your own home, but the degree to which there is a difference. to that degree you will have to adjust and change and this applies to both people. You might say well no food habits What's so difficult Well, for example, if you like me are brought up with either by the tradition and you ate Hyderabadi biryani and burger wagon and chigumbura

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And dumka, Hema and baratas and hyena for for breakfast and cut diesel Oh my God, I mean are you making over a country that and you marry into,

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for example an Arab family where they for them spices, it's no jelly, no spices and so on so forth, believe me you have to love that woman or that man very very much to be able to read that food the whole time. Now you might have somebody who's you know, kind enough to learn your cuisine and then give you that food all party you were that person good. But if that doesn't happen, it will get difficult over time. So I'm not saying don't vary by that reason I'm just saying be mentally prepared for things like food habits they were in this background you know, frivolous deal, but

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experience after having spent explaining to you from experience what that is

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adjustment remember that all change by definition is painful. So, the more you have to adjust the more pain you will suffer. So, the less you have produced, the less pain you will suffer. So, that is the reason why try to ensure that you marry somebody with whom the adjustment will not be too much and therefore it is not not too painful. Another very important thing, if you marry into a joint family, and you have to live

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with your

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husband, or wife family, then there's a whole new set of things that come into play. And that is something that you should be very

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clear about.

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And if you are not clear about that, then that can cause a lot of grief. I think that is inshallah something that I will talk to you in the next class. For now. Think about this, when you are choosing your spouse, the choice is absolutely critical. If you choose the wrong person, then it the the cost of that is extremely painful and completely avoidable. So don't fall into that trap. And if you choose the right person, then Believe me, marriage is heaven on earth. There's nothing that is that is superior to that.

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Again, wish you all the best and see you next time.