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What men want
Channel: Maryam Lemu
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So if you're just joining us I'm going to be facing the camera here because I'm live on Zoom In sha Allah but I'm so glad you're with me and I pray it's going to be beneficial knowledge does I can allow Hiren Always a pleasure coming on live with you in sha Allah
so my camera is off if you see I'm quiet I am so sorry for those who are just joining us on Instagram. I'm doing a live on zoom right now with mica Nigeria. So if you want to join the zoom just look for my story, click on the link there and hop on onto the Zoom platform. Otherwise I'm taking a risk doing this that I don't want you to feel ignored. I've muted myself and I've switched off my camera which is why I can speak to you. So my silence is because I'm waiting to hear what questions they're gonna ask or tell me to start so please don't go anywhere
so the facilitator is doing a q&a right now and asking the audience to share what they want me to talk about during this session in sha Allah. So she's doing the introduction and then we're going to start so bear with me Don't go anywhere inshallah I got a lot of goodies and stuff for you. I pray some of the gems that I will share will be of benefit to you in sha Allah. So thank you for joining me
so she has said that we're going to start in one minute, so don't go anywhere in sha Allah, we will start in one minute all right.
I see many people just joining us. So let me give you a bit of a background. I'm going live with my co Nigeria we're on zoom right now. My camera is off, my mic is off so I can speak to you. But for your benefit in case you don't get to join that platform. I'm trying to make sure I do this simultaneously. So thanks for joining me on live on Instagram. However, if you click on my story, you can actually join us on the Zoom or go to their YouTube channel and join us live there as well in sha Allah, but always great to have in you. May Allah bless you all in the best manner because I can allow Hiren for showing up. I've not been on Instagram in a while. There's always so much going
on so much drama in my life.
I'll be quiet. I'm about to be introduced. So
All right. Does that Millau Hi, Ron, thank you so much Mica. It's always a pleasure whenever the opportunity arises and you invite me to talk, I'm always promised myself, I will do my best to make myself available. May Allah bless you for all the knowledge that you are sharing and the impact the AMIGO that you're making Inshallah, in the lives of so many, I am going to dive right in, we're going to be talking about what it takes to make a successful successful union, and how marriages fail today. And sadly, as a Relationship Consultant, this is the reality my husband and I face every single day. So why do marriage is one of the questions that was asked before we actually started
this zoom, I got a list of questions from the organizers that they wanted me to cover. So I'm gonna start with those. And then I'm gonna go into what makes a marriage work? And why are so many, many marriages failing. So why do marriages that seem to be looking so perfect in the eyes of so many? Why are many marriages that seems so strong? failing? Well, one thing I caution people is the grass is not not often greener on the other side, much of what we see is what folks want us to see, our perception may not be the reality. I always caution people don't ever compare your relationship, don't look at others and say, Oh, it's the perfect marriage. Be very careful. You know, what
basically is happening if you find a marriage that in your opinion seems to be on solid ground start to crumble is that probably certain key things were not in place, like my husband and I, we have a code of conduct for our marriage. And that is what we use to keep us grounded in the relationship. And like you all know, code of conduct, anywhere you go in work anywhere, is basically certain rules and guidelines that keep people in order, so to speak. So we have ours, and most often, if you find a relationship is not working, probably certain things haven't been put in place, guidelines for how they will behave, how they will conduct themselves, maybe when they're angry, and so on. But I'll go
into code of conduct later on. And then most often you find if a relationship that seems to be so perfect, is crumbling, is that the couple ignored the red flags, or they swept certain important issues under the rug, or they may have bottled up some issues. And one day they became like a pressure cooker and they exploded. So ignoring red flags, in other words, certain bad behavior that comes up in relationships. Again, the Code of Conduct would put those kinds of things in check. Let me use myself as an example. My husband and I promised that however angry we get, however upset we get, we're never going to be disrespectful to each other. So we're going to disagree that one is
allowed, I'm entitled to my opinion, and so is he, but we're not going to be disagreeable. And then minor irritations like my father describes it, probably in that kind of relationship. There were minor irritations again, that were ignored, and he would say minor irritations with major consequences. And then another reason why sometimes relationships that seem to be perceived as perfect crumble is maybe they became stagnant. Maybe they didn't bring fresh things to make the relationship evolve or upgrade the relationship there was boredom. And sadly, boredom is a recipe for disaster in anybody's life was in marriage. And like my brother describes it water that sits
still starts to smell. So be very careful with certain routines that you know you haven't refreshed. It's always good. Even as Muslims, we're meant to constantly be pushing ourselves to improve and upgrade ourselves. The next question is, Can personality differences ruin a relationship? Can personality differences, ruin a marriage? Well, my husband and I are like night and day, we literally
are very, very different personality wise, we have different upbringings, my husband was more serious, whereas me I'm the cheeky, very playful, very naughty one. I'm the more you know, outspoken and more bubbly and talkative and a chatterbox. My husband is more, you know, dignified and composed. So when it comes to personality differences, our personality, our varied personalities are very different. But we have chosen to take those differences and make it an asset. I have picked up a lot of his good virtues, his good qualities, and Alhamdulillah. He has also accepted some of the ones that I had shared with him. So as long as one is not so rigid, so the question is, Can
personality differences ruin a marriage? Well, if you are rigid, if you're set in your ways, if you're inflexible, and fortunately, yes, it can. You know, we were able to sort out our differences, which at the beginning was also part of the root cause
of a lot of our problems. My husband being the eldest of 26 kids, and my mother only had two children. So you can imagine like, we came from such very diverse backgrounds. And so he being at the top of the chain, and I was almost like three from the bottom, because obviously, my father was a polygamist and I had half siblings, but still, it was quite different than Hamdulillah. And then again, again, cultural differences. My parents, my mother was British. My father's Nigeria was Nigerian. So there were different cultures. My father grew up in the village in Lima. Yes. So he was very traditional in his upbringing. Whereas my mom, she was the adventurous one, the frisky ones,
too, so to speak. But alhamdulillah my father, I saw he adopted a lot of her cultural norms that suited the relationship. And my mom learned about, you know, the African culture of respect and certain traditional norms, that also were very beautiful. My dad did not let culture rule over religion. And I think that was something that was very, very critical. Sometimes we are so stuck in our traditions and cultures, that we allow it to have power over our faith, and that's where it can ruin your relationship. So you just have to be flexible and you have to be willing to adjust. The third question is what keeps a marriage intact in time of tribulation, tribulation, so when they're
when the relationship is rocky or when things get hot or tough? For me, it's faith. Honestly, having faith in Allah, trusting Allah as Muslims. We're all meant to have those values we're all meant to abide by it, you know, have that Taqwa. Knowing that what ever trials or difficulties we face off from Allah, and so we have to be on a mission to try and hold on tight to Allah's rope and overcome those challenges. Another thing as Muslims were expected to have is also hope and optimism. be prayerful, pray to Allah but be optimistic that he has accepted your prayers. So what keeps a marriage in tact in times of difficulty, faith, hope and optimism, love for one another compassion.
Never lose sight of your spouse's endearing qualities, perseverance, I often know that many people tell us before we get married women to be patient patient patient I said yes patient to see the results of your patients of your efforts. But it has to be mutual patient patience to see mutual input and inshallah mutual output. So my husband and I went through over six turbulent, almost six, that six turbulent years. We had terrible fights, we went through emotional roller, coaster pain, anguish, disappointment, we hurt each other. You know, at one point I wanted out, I wanted a divorce. But Alhamdulillah we were able to fight to make it work. If we keep our eyes on the target.
Like my husband always kept his eye on the target. He said later on, when we're talking about it, that he never wanted a divorce. He always had the big picture and had, he had more sense than me. So he was patient enough to continue working and trying to find a way for us to meet and make things work. So Alhamdulillah that is another quality that has helped during the turbulent times make our marriage stay and make our marriage survive almost, you know, 32 years Alhamdulillah. But today, you see the tragedy that a lot of relationships there. Couples are very flighty. They want results without effort. And sadly, expect instant gratification, you know, especially because of the IT
culture, the social media culture, you click a button and you get a result, you go on Google, you know, chat GPT, you get instant results without effort from a click of a button. And unfortunately, that does cause disappointment, you have unrealistic expectations, because you're expecting more than what realistically a relationship can give you. It takes time to adjust for good things to happen for you to do the right thing for your spouse to respond accordingly. And for the relationship to grow and develop and for it to mature. And then of course, the challenge with social media today's there's just too much comparison. And you find were expecting our relationships to be
similar to the Joneses, but we are not them. And like I said at the beginning, it's our fantasy, it's our expectation or belief that this is good. It may just be what they choose to present to us. So one has to be very careful, there is no turbulent free marriage. For me turbulence is actually good fights are actually good. What is important is to make sure you fight with good manners. And if you think about it, if you fight with good manners, you won't fight. So I call it The Art of Fighting without fighting. It takes a lot of strength, a lot of courage, a lot of work to make a marriage work.
So one has to prepare oneself for turbulence. It is so important, and there has to be better mutual understanding, both have to be open minded enough to be willing to adjust and listen. For me, it reminds me of what I don't want to see when I think back like today, I think back to how bad things got between sighted and I, I don't want to go back down that road. So I make sure when things are rough, that I quickly try and find a solution to it And Alhamdulillah my husband responds in kind, I don't want to go back there. So we disagree, but we choose not to be disagreeable.
Another question that the organizer us or organizers asked me is who is responsible for marital failure? Well, honestly, that is subjective.
I can picture the men in their house saying it's the women and the women are saying it's the men. Honestly, it's like it's subjective in my marriage, we both had our faults. And I think that's the reality in most relationship. Most marriages do have both couples contributing to marriages failing. I counseled a couple recently where the wife was the problem, my husband and I is counseling a couple right now who and the man like he was sharing with me, he absolutely doesn't see his fault. Everything is the woman's fault. But when you even hear the way he speaks, with arrogance, with superiority, and so on, it's like your ego is also a big problem, which is what is making her react
to your bad behavior. I've counseled a couple of where the wife was the problem, she was nagging, and appreciative, the man kept complaining that little things I give her, she compares it to what someone else's husband gave his wife and checks the value of it. And then she raises issues, important issues at the wrong time, you know, and unfortunately, he got tired of the fights, which is why he chose to go out. And there was another scenario Sorry, I just got a phone call, I need to quickly disconnect this because I'm okay, great.
And we also have had a situation where the wife refused to absolutely refuse to open her heart and love her husband, and allow him to love her simply because her mom was divorced. Her arms were divorced. And they had all told her Be careful, men are users, men will let you down men will disappoint you. And this man reached out hurt. And you know, like, I'm dying to love her. And I'm dying to be loved back. But she refuses to open, she refuses to be vulnerable. She's got this wall this shield up. And unfortunately, it really it's getting to the stage where things are really, really bad. So it's important that we always know that it depends. You can't point fingers in one
direction and say, This one is responsible. For both cases, sometimes you find the ego is a problem, or you're married to a narcissist, or your spouse is turning the kids against you. Someone told the wife after he had married the second wife that and she had six kids with him that he has married a second wife. So if you talk about why marriages break up, and who is responsible, really it's subjective, then of course, infidelity. So the answer to the question is of who is responsible? It really depends on the couple. Sometimes it's what they saw that they replicated what their parents did, that they replicated, thinking that is the formula for a successful marriage, and then married,
many got married for the wrong reasons. If you say, you know who is responsible? Well, unfortunately, depends on the reason why you got married, because some people get married because of wealth, they want money, and you get married for that reasons. All the money in the world will not give you peace of mind will not give you happiness will not fulfill you emotionally, and we have needs bigger than money in a relationship. Don't get me wrong, money is good, but that's also a big thing. And then situations where men don't fulfill their responsibilities. That is also another reason why marriages fail. Many didn't have premarital counseling, and I'm a huge advocate of that.
Because a lot of the problems we see that my husband and I deal with, you realize the lack of premarital counseling was probably behind it because they didn't know what to look out for. They were too in love and blinded by love that unfortunately, they ignored the warning signs with the mistaken belief that oh, we will fix it afterwards or our love will sustain us. Well, it doesn't. So this is just a reality. So who's responsible? Honestly, one just has to look in the mirror and take ownership of the role they played in making a relationship work but I don't believe in pointing fingers because really situations are different.
Another question that was asked by the organizers is when should one opt out of a marriage?
Very good question. When Should one walk away from a relationship? For me? It's when you are broken when you feel you're being depleted.
did when there is physical abuse or physical abuse when there is danger when your mental health is at risk, you're not meant to go crazy in a relationship. And today, many are going crazy in the relationship, when children are at risk when children become witnesses of serious dysfunction in a relationship, because there is a strong risk that the children will recycle what they've seen because you are the model they have, they grew up believing this is the norm. So if they see a husband that has been broken and abused by his wife, or vice versa, if they have a son, he may believe that's what happens. That's okay. I can do the same with my wife or my wife can do that to
me and for the girl as well. So the risk of recycling, it's so important, we're very careful. Marriage in Islam is where we're meant to dwell in practice tranquility dwell, dwell means to live. In Islam, Allah uses such words like dwelling tranquility, it means we're meant to live in tranquility, with peace in our hearts, you know, with our mate with our buddy with our best friend with our companion, our confidence, our lover, anything other than that is not marriage in Islam, we must not forget that our spouse and our kids are our witnesses before Allah, and part of the rights of couples in Islam is love and respect. Yes. And unfortunately, that is missing. In so many homes.
Allah has already said he has put more work that were athma he has put love and mercy in our hearts not he's going to if we let a QI attain a level of piety, but that he is going to put love, he has put love and mercy in our hearts. So we need to be very, very conscious that we will answer to him if we do not practice that. It's a gift that's been given to us by Allah, and that if our kids miss seeing a good examples, or a good example, in us as a couple, they will do a memo before Allah and tell Allah what they saw that we were part of what made them dysfunctional, what made them insecure, what made them recycle, history. And unfortunately, we ended up getting commission for their sins.
If they get damaged, if they hurt somebody else, we get commissioned for that, if we mess them up, we get commission for that before Allah because they our witnesses, were not meant to be miserable in marriage. We're not meant to go through persecution. And in Islam, persecution is worse than slaughter. Imagine
persecution, putting someone through torment is worse than killing that person. Ugly that is not marriage in Islam. And so to me to answer the question, when do you walk away is if you've exhausted all options of trying to make peace, trying to find a resolution, bringing in intervention to try and help save your marriage, trying everything possible. If you find, after doing everything in your power, it's not working and you're moving backwards, you're depleting, you're being broken, then do your istikhara and make a decision to leave the relationship and don't stay because of the children. You're actually doing them a disservice if you think you're saying while they're witnessing such
terrible things. As an example, by the two of you. This is not the jihad that we're going to get extra rewards for or bonus points for from Allah. Allah is not impressed with a sacrificing ourselves for marriage to suffer a good marriage and a good home ensures the continuity of the OMA. That's what Allah wants from us when we get married, is to build a beautiful community to build a beautiful OMA and a bad marriage and a bad home can destroy society and can destroy the OMA and we are seeing it today. Our children are leaving the faith because they're not seeing the beauty of Islam in the home.
The next question is Should one stay in with an unfaithful partner? Ha, that's a big question. Should one stay with an unfaithful partner?
This is a tough one. The reality really is it depends on the individual and the circumstances. One thing my husband and I have learned over the years is many know their spouse is being unfaithful, but they choose to ignore it or pretend they don't even know sometimes they talk about it. They know it's happening with their spouse, but they choose to ignore it.
Some have decided that this is there a lot in life because a lot of people today will say you know what, just accept this is a reality our spouses will be and will be unfaithful to us. This should not be this isn't marriage in Islam. Zina is a breach of a contract not just between you and your spouse but between you and Allah. So some people who say he cheated on me or she cheated on me actually they cheated themselves. My husband always emphasizes this. No, they cheated themselves. Because no adulterer, even
Rasul allah sallallahu sallam said this, no adultery is a believer at the time when he is committed to committing adultery. This is narrated by Al Bukhari and Muslim. No adulterer is a believer at the time when they are committing adultery, and sinner sinner is a major sin. But if someone asks Allah for forgiveness, and admits that they have wronged their spouse, they have wronged themselves, they've wronged their family, and are willing or willing to truly Stop it, and make sure they keep away from the triggers that take them back to that disgusting habit. Then Insha Allah, Allah will forgive them. And that may be when a spouse when they see the sincerity, they will choose to stay,
but the betrayal from that is very, very hard to rebuild. And unfortunately, that's the damage that sometimes is almost impossible to fix. You know, so this is with regard to of course, when I say it's a major sin, your relationship with Allah, but the effects of Zina on the relationship, the risks of bringing a disease home to yourself or to your spouse, right there, you're gonna have to answer to allow for it. If you end up causing a terrible problem to your spouse that they cannot fix. It affects their mental health right there, you get permission for that. And then of course, the worst is you find out the shame when the kids also find out how it ruins the whole family how
they hang their head low, you know, so the decision to stay or not really depends on the person, the individual. Again, it's a subjective question, what I believe is if the offending spouse genuinely admits, and regrets their actions, seeks forgiveness, do your istikhara and decide whether you want to you want to stay or not. And of course, they must do their Toba with Allah. But don't be a fool. Don't be one of those who they keep saying sorry, yet they go back to their old ways. They keep lying and betraying you. I mean, Allah was the witness when we invoked his name during the Nicca. So who are they fooling at the end of the day?
The next question is the impact of parents marriages, on the marriages of their children. So what is the impact of our parents marriages, on our, our marriages, and on our marriages, and our children, this makes a huge impact. This has a huge impact our parents relationship, what we saw has a huge influence on us, because many of us copy and paste what we saw. And sadly, many don't know the implications of how they related with each other on their children. I believe, and my husband and I say this a lot, many parents get it wrong. Unfortunately, they will still have to answer to Allah for getting it wrong. Because ignorance is not an excuse. Sometimes we went through something we
detested. Growing up, we saw one parent miserable, or one parent oppressed, or one parent that oppressor and we yet go and repeat it yet we knew we didn't like it. And sadly, if our kids see it in us, they will replicate it. So what are they seeing?
And what will they tell a lot of what they are seeing in the home right now. So pray for your parents if they got it wrong, but make sure you do not recycle generational curses like that of dysfunction, of abuse of exploitation, you know, of depleting your spouse. I asked couples and this is a question I asked you to ask one another today. Is are you okay? If Allah called you home today?
Are you okay with your children, replicating what they're seeing in the two of you right now in the home? Are you fine with that?
The best gift a parent can give their children, especially if their parents didn't get it right.
And if they know their marriage is not as good as it should be not the right model is they should give their children premarital counseling, they should try and make sure they find from a credible source, someone whose marriage is working, who will be able to hopefully change the narrative and give them the tools they need to hopefully make their own marriages work. So those are the questions that have been sent to me ahead of time, but we will be doing q&a at the end. Now. Let me talk to you about what it takes to make a successful union and how marriages fail today why marriages fail today? Well, there are, of course, so many reasons on so many factors.
I wrote a list of some of the things and I think one of them is people get married for the wrong reason. They go into marriage ill prepared. They don't have the right tools and skills needed to navigate the obstacles of marriage. Like I said earlier, they also didn't see an example so they don't know what they're doing. You know, so that to me is one of the main reasons but not the number one and I'll share the number one with you. Another reason why a lot of marriages fail is selfishness. Unfortunately, some allow their egos not to be checked out.
And you will hear from so many couples and when my husband and I counsel, so many couples, we realize ego is the issue.
So if an ego is unchecked, too big and ego makes you arrogant and proud, too low an ego makes you have a low self esteem. So the regulator to make sure it's in the middle, know that you are human, you're fallible, you are so not perfect. Another thing way, a lot of marriages fail is you find this arrogance and superiority, whether it's financial superiority, you find a wife bragging that her parents are rich, they're the ones who helped you get a job when dealing with that case, right now, that's one of the couples we are dealing with, where the wife's family, were responsible for helping the husband get a job and get a car, send them for hutch, send them food items, and she is loving
that and using it when they fight to make him feel small.
Then you have those who have spiritual superiority, who are arrogant because they know more. Then the act like they know Allah, they've seen Allah and they feel they can put scriptures and that makes them superior to their spouse. And this is one of the reasons why you find a lot of marriages deteriorate, then there's intellectual superiority. I've shared this in so many lectures where we have a case where the woman went on to pursue up until I think it was a PhD. And the man stayed on his husband was on his first degree. And in a conversation he was complaining that imagine, as she's explaining something to him, she'll say, Oh, you want to understand. So you also have that kind of
intellectual superiority. I mean, all this is packaged as the sheet down syndrome, I'm better than you. And if you have that attitude or mentality in marriage, it will destroy your marriage. And then like I said before, another reason is, you're so rigid, you're so fixed, you have a fixed mindset, you're okay, the way you are, you're not willing to grow, you're not willing to evolve, you're not willing to change what lies within you.
And when you're so rigid, it's often it's your way or the highway, you're not flexible, and that doesn't help any relationship. Now, number one, for me, I think as to why a lot of marriages fail, is Allah is missing. There is no fear of Allah and no desire to please Allah. Marriages are failing because we do not fulfill our obligations to our spouse, we're not willing to learn what is it Allah expects of us in our relationship. And unfortunately, many husbands are dropping the ball. They lose respect from their spouses, because one of their responsibilities as a husband, as a leader of the home, is they are meant to bear responsibilities of everything to do with upkeep food health,
basically, they are responsible for the children and their spouse. And today you find a lot of women are the ones paying the school fees, they are the ones bearing responsibilities that are not meant for that and for them to bear. They pay the rent, they pay the food, education, health.
And men on taking on the role as the true leaders of the home, women lose respect, I cannot lose respect for my husband, because he has a vision. He respects himself, he fulfills his obligations based on the Sharia And Alhamdulillah. He adds gara for me, and on top of that, He is compassionate. He is caring, I will follow him anywhere he wants me to go. He has earned his stripes he has earned my respect. So why many homes are crumbling today is because folks are not taking their responsibilities.
You have to take charge of your flock, you must have self respect, and then it comes but wives are also dropping the ball. They're not fulfilling their obligation under Sharia, that they owe their spouse, they are freestyling the relationship, they are competing with others, they are showing off. They have this desire. I call it too much, much less, you know, but for me, I believe in the philosophy of less is more. They don't take permission before they do things you owe your husband that you must take his permission under Sharia it is his right you can't just get out and go freestyle wherever you want. This is one of the things that my husband is counseling a couple on
right now. And we were talking about that the husband kept complaining that she just gets up and goes, even if it's to her parents house, he just gets up and goes without permission.
But you must let your spouse know where you're going and he should be okay with it. And you can't allow somebody into a home that your spouse is not comfortable well equipped. Again, this is for both parties.
So one has to has to be aware what are their obligations to their spouse and fulfill it. Why? Because if you don't, if you don't, you are violating an agreement that you went with when you invoked Allah to be present for your nickel and it is part of why marriages are breaking the lack of fear of Allah offending him and the desire to please Him. Another reason why so many marriages are failing is because we
Don't set boundaries.
We don't protect our spouses from outsiders. And I'll go into that a bit later. Then another reason is we do polygamy the wrong way. I gave you the example of a lady who found out two weeks after her husband had gotten married to another woman that he had taken on another wife. And she's like, You know what? After giving you six kids, after the life we've had of over 20 years of marriage, this is what you do. What did I do that is so bad that deserve this kind of treatment. It brings resentment, it makes the kids resentful. It does not leave room for a beautiful home to be nurtured for it to flourish and a beautiful Oma.
And then another reason why marriages don't work is couples grow in the wrong direction. They grow separately. If you grow separately, you grow apart. It's as simple as that. Then another thing, another reason is because of bad manners, bad manners in how we speak, how we fight, how we talk. I often tell people fights do not destroy a marriage, that manners how we fight is what will destroy our marriage. Then another reason is infidelity, which is at an all time high infidelity.
You find this as destroying homes today.
Then lack of sexual satisfaction and boredom. Like I said, boredom is a recipe for disaster. And a lot of couples are engaging in infidelity because they are not being fulfilled in the home. And sadly, because of our devices, we now have Zina. We do the amount of the eyes. We do commit her arm by looking at things we're not supposed to do. Pornography is at our fingertips. We have privacy to be able to go and watch something that is haram. And it's destroying the homes because it creates these fantasies and unrealistic expectations that professional actors have done take one take two take 10 And we expect our spouse, spouse to do all those stunts and they can't. And many are getting
and turning to masturbation, which is destroying again, people's purpose, their self esteem, it makes you feel disgusted with yourself. It creates more watery semen for the men and for the woman. Lack of sexual satisfaction, her husband is not able to satisfy her. Neither is the woman able to satisfy her husband.
Another reason why homes are falling apart is social media. We compare. We're comparing our spouse to everything and everyone out there. We're comparing our marriages we're comparing our homes, we're comparing our children to those that others put on social media, and unfortunately it brings this lack of contentment.
Now, there are so many more reasons why marriages are failing, but let me go into what does it take to make a successful union. And like I said, the number one reason why marriages are failing it is the lack of love for Allah the desire to please Him and what makes a marriage successful is Allah first in everything we do, holding on tight to Allah's rope.
We are losing our faith, we are losing our Taqwa.
Unfortunately, and there is a deliberate campaign for that to happen. We need to be very conscious of the effects of what we are watching and what is subliminally being fed to us in how we relate our relationship with our maker. We need to hold on tight, hold on tight to Allah's rope. And not just the rituals, not just the praying the fasting, there's a cut.
Sadly, we have folks who pray they fast they do it as a cat, they go and visit the sick, they feed their neighbor, but their house is on fire. They are evil, they are tyrants, they are terrorists in their homes. That is not Islam.
Everything is meant to be translated into action, the beauty of our faith if we love Allah enough Allah He we will have good outcome good other our words that come out of our mouths will be beautiful because that is Islam.
Some do terrible things yet they don't miss their salad. They do the Monday and Thursday fast they do those extras yet.
Put all those extras together the first things that got over our husband visit the sick everything imagine that is half of our deen
fulfilling our obligations to our spouse is taking the other half yet we are not practicing that like we practice our our Ramadan. Imagine right now. Everybody has started rooting for Ramadan. Everybody has started remembering creating Ramadan journals Ramadan goals, what are the extras I'm going to do to get the reward? Well guess what all those constitute half with the prayer with all the other goodness of Islam.
The other half we don't practice it the way we practice Islam
fulfilling our obligation to our spouse is what completes the other half. Imagine if we could just change how we see our marriage.
and wallah he I will tell you because we are living it right now. That is the foundation for a happy home. If you fulfill that is the basics you fulfill your obligation to your spouse. That is both of you because it takes the two if you both fulfill your obligations to one another, Well lucky, I am promising you this Wallahi Allah will bless your union in sha Allah,
you will see a tremendous difference. Go back to basics if you don't know. We've talked to couples who've been married for over 50 years and they do not know their obligations. But ignorance is not an excuse. I always want people be very careful. That thing that constitutes constitutes half of your religion, half of your Ibadah you are bankrupt.
You need to go back and know what does the deen What does Allah expect of you in marriage? And what examples this Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam set for us in the examples of how he related with his spouse Khadija de allawah Anna when he was a monogamist. And when he became a polygamist after she passed away, how did he relate with his spouse? What about the compassion? What about the playfulness? What about the romantic prophet that is missing in homes today? How did his spouses speak to him?
Women are behaving badly men are behaving badly in marriage. Stop nitpicking the parts of the Sunnah that are convenient to you that you want to practice that is not Islam.
So work on keeping each other on the Serato master key of your marriage work on constantly reminding each other every day my husband will send me quotes, beautiful videos that remind me things that he feels are relevant to our relationship, he sends it to me and I do the same with him. Sometimes we sit and discuss sometimes I asked him a question. So why does Islam say this? And we go he's so good at going and researching and he gives me the answers. We did it just last night I asked him a question. I say I don't know the logic behind this. I don't know the mocassin Sharia on so many things. But when Allah He I at least know that my husband will guide me and on things like he said
Marian was my students once upon a time, today's Muhammad today she's my teacher in some areas. It's meant to be a symbiotic relationship. But you try to keep each other if you see your spouse going astray. That's why for me, I worry for women or men who know their spouses are being unfaithful, and they leave them because if you're not bringing them back onto that Serato Mr. Kim onto that straight path will lie Allah will ask you
we're not facing the right Qibla for our marriage.
And if you are afraid of offending Allah and you want to please Allah, you will do everything in your power to get the knowledge the prerequisite knowledge of what is marriage in Islam, and what are the examples of Rasul Allah so for me, number one, fulfill your obligations to one another. Both are dropping the ball unfortunately in this in this area.
Also one question of what it takes to make a marriage work is many people disregard how important me myself and I are to the relationship what do I mean by that? I'm looking for Mr. Right. And she's looking he's looking for Miss right right. I see but you gotta be right.
Miss right is looking for Mr. Right? A Mr. Right is looking for Miss right. Both of you need to be right, we need to be in order. We need to do that me, myself and I
and it doesn't matter how many years you've been married. If you're watching today, and you've been married for a gazillion years. It's okay. Start with yourself. Work on yourself first before you start pointing fingers because that's the easiest thing to do. Right? to point fingers. It's your fault. You started it. You're only mirroring bad behavior.
Work on emotional intelligence. This is key. Work on self awareness. This is key I can promise you if you just go on YouTube and check those two things as an assignment. How to become more emotionally intelligent, how to become more self aware. It will help your relationship. Learn about your spouse's love language. Learn about your love language so you can communicate it. And I beg you please don't say this one. Now when you both stay, Lola heatwaves, don't say this is because even Allah says he ain't gonna change our condition unless we change what lies within us. So what lies within us that we need to change? What are our bad habits that are ruining our relationship?
Another thing that will make your marriage work is have realistic expectations of marriage. Be careful with fantasies. Be careful, like I said with comparison do your homework. Make sure you are also aware that you may be carrying baggage or childhood trauma or unhealed wounds or something you
witnessed that was unpleasant that actually damaged you. You need to reduce and shed that load before you go into a relationship. If you are already in the relationship and you are bleeding, you are hurting, find a solution because that may be what's ruining your marriage. That's maybe what's holding you back from opening your heart. Like the lady I shared with you. She talked about her mom being divorced, and she was so scared to be divorced. She was told by her mom, she was told by her aunts that, you know, be careful with men don't trust men. So why are you in a marriage?
It ends up becoming a self fulfilling prophecy because you focused on not trusting. And guess what you now repeated history.
But it's baggage that she was carrying, she saw how unpleasant divorce looked like. But she was so scared of divorce, she ended up in that same position.
Her marriage is on the rocks. So you got to be aware and work on he'll go to therapy. If you need to counsel find someone to counsel you talk about it, try talking about the baggage you're carrying with your spouse and let your spouse create a safe space where you can be vulnerable. You can open up for men in particular, they carry a whole lot of load. And sadly, society tells them Oh, men are not meant to cry. Big Boys Don't Cry, men to man up. And fortunately, you man up, you end up hitting hard. You can end up becoming cold, you end up becoming hurtful, you end up transferring aggression. So you have to heal, you have to for a marriage to work, you do need to shed some load.
And then for the husband, you need to be adequately prepared to meet your financial responsibilities because money is a big source of wahala in marriage, it's a big troublemaker and under Sharia, the man being the head of the whole household, if you fulfill your responsibilities to your family,
Inshallah, that will reduce the risks of the relationship not going strong.
Try and make sure you're financially independent, you're resourceful, you have multiple sources of income. However, I always tell the women try and do the same and be supportive. Be supportive. It's not an obligation for you to contribute for household things. But sometimes you have the wife who wants to live a certain lifestyle, she wants a certain kind of thing, Hey, bring add to what I have. I'm not going to go steal or rob a bank. I'm not going to commit an offense and offender law simply because you want to live a certain lifestyle. So it's important that we emphasize the role of taking care of the family and household responsibilities, children feeding shelter, medical education is on
I remember before we got married, my husband said to me, Maria,
this is what I can say to you now he said, What's mine is mine and what's his is ours. And that is Sharia if you keep that in mind, but I do not tell my husband if I'm going to change the light bulb in the house. I do not tell my husband if the house girl says we don't have salad in the house. So we don't have fruit. I do not go to him and say oh, yeah, oh, God bring booty. I don't. I do what I need to do. I feel my car, fuel the gym. It's my choice.
Because the relationship is about a partnership. It's not a competition. But just let nobody loose that line. That line should never get fuzzy or blurry about whose responsibilities are what in the home. Another way to make your marriage strong is guard your marriage jealously. By creating realistic, albeit protective boundaries, one of the rights each of you has over each other is that you will protect one another. So you protect one another from family in laws can destroy a marriage and they are.
And you need to make sure you also set boundaries with outsiders, friends, relatives and friends. But you also need to set boundaries in the home. I keep telling people be careful. Sometimes you may have your spouse says or you women are like I say, don't you women knew me. I'm not like everybody else. Don't be condescending. But I don't talk like that I taught with better manners. It's like, Did you mean to hurt me when you said that? Or I felt hurt by your words? Was that your intention? That's me setting boundaries. So again, if you maintain good other than how you speak, you're able to set boundaries. The same thing with the children, you set boundaries in the home with the kids,
let them know their limits. You find a child today is acting like we're on the same level. Yes, it's good to enlighten them. It's good good to allow them to flourish and grow and blossom. But me I'm an African girl and I was raised with respect. I have to make sure my kids learn the same because tomorrow I wouldn't be here if they go and become Jaga Jaga in society and a menace to society simply because I spoon fed them or I allowed them in the so called what's called enlightenment and they become a problem.
For somebody else's daughter or son, and they become a problem parent, and they become a problem Muslim, I'll get commission. And seriously, that's not the kind of commission I want. So keep any kind of negative external interference at bay. I remember my husband telling my in laws, and He's the eldest of 26 kids, so I got a lot of in laws, right. And I remember he said to me, that he told them, that when the Nikka was conducted, it was his name that was called Not this. So they have no rights over me. If they want anything from me, they should go through him and wallah, he, it set the foundation for us to forge a very healthy relationship. Mothers in law don't have a say in your
relationship. They don't have a say in how many kids you should have, when you should stop having kids. your in laws don't have a right to tell you which schools you must send your children to. That's why for me, I push people to have be financially independent, because then you don't owe anybody. They don't pull the strings. I know what I'm saying is controversial. Many people don't want to hear, but guess what I'm talking of religion over culture.
When we are going to be judged before our Maker is going to judge us based on our faith, not based on our culture. So even if it is not suito Allah has told me to share this knowledge with you because me too, I learned.
Another reason or another thing you can do
to make your marriage work is to like Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam they do Shura, consult with one another. Make sure you do Shura don't make this sessions unanimously don't make decisions unilaterally, English. Don't make decisions without discussing with your family with your spouse and planning to do this, especially important decisions. You must carry each other along. That is the example of Rasulullah sallallahu wasallam zwey. That was sunnah.
And then another way, I'm using everything I'm sharing you, Allah here are things we practice in the home now, which has helped us get to where we are today. Be sure to grow and learn together and have things that you do in common.
My husband and I share new learning. Sometimes he doesn't want to join me in the hobbies or the things I want to do. But when I he will sit and watch me do it. He will support me.
But I get to I come home and I watch my husband watching MasterChef for God's sakes. There's nothing that feels so good. That's something I love to do. He even does when I'm not there. He just came back from out of town yesterday, he was away for four days where like, every day I watched football and he's not around, because I actually picture him sitting there and we're talking. And I picture him making the side comments acting like he is the coach is the one who taught them. That's why they're messing up. You know. So for me, it just feels good that we have so much in common. We play tennis together. We share interests when it comes to charity. As of yesterday, I did something and I
told him when he came back, I said oh, I give this person this. They just had a baby. Just FYI. He said, Oh, I'll do mine tomorrow. So this is what you need to do have things in common. No secrets. Well, I tell people if you don't want my husband to know, don't tell me I'm the biggest amiibo in this house. I will tell him, yes.
Another thing you can do
is share couples goals. Try and have a goal. Like I said, I was thinking of divorce, but my husband kept his eye on the target. So it never lost sight of why we got married me I was moved. When we got married. I didn't know what the heck I was doing. I was a bumbling idiot, I admitted Hamdulillah I am better now. I am reformed, and more intentional, more deliberate. But that wasn't who I was before. But we have people who've been married 20 years and they don't know where they're going. There is this quote that says if you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there.
If you don't know where you're going, any road will take you there. So where are you going in your relationship, wherever you end up doesn't matter because you didn't sit together and come up with a plan of action and a goal.
So make sure you share goals for your marriage. Make sure you share your individual goals and ask your spouse to be your accountability partner. They want to support you and help you and never lose sight of the big picture and never lose sight of why you came together in the first place. When you get so angry. When you fight. You forget how fine your spouse looked. You forget how beautiful they were, how their eyes looked like the full moon of Shawwal. Right? We forget all that all we see sometimes we even start seeing the face morph and deform.
So try and have a big picture when it comes to certain areas spiritual goals, intellectual and mental goals how you grow together intellectually.
have physical goals about staying fit, looking good. Being healthy, have social goals, try and share friends. If you have friends that your spouse does not approve of trust me it's trouble waiting to happen. You'll be fighting over that and it can be relatives.
Well, that your spouse doesn't approve of, it's troubled. Try and make sure you have mutual friends have financial goals, let me know what you're saving for, so that I can support you. You can't have one is the spendthrift while the other one is frugal, and you don't meet each other halfway. And then also have goals of service to Allah service are that long after you're gone, your book is not closed because you keep getting commission for the good you left behind, but try and do it together as much as you can. Another thing to make your marriage strong is be each other's biggest cheerleaders, feed each other spirit, feed each other's soul. Let your spouse look forward to coming
home to you.
Be the one that they know when they get good news. You're the first person that comes to mind that they want to share it with or if their heart is heavy, you're still the first person because you have what it takes to lighten their load.
Then pray for each other success. Pray for each other's good health, pray for peace of mind, pray for your marriage. That be each of us share biggest cheerleader I swear makes you best friends feed the spirit. So like I said, fights are okay in marriage. But please do Allah work on making sure you fight with dignity, you fight with respect, you don't raise your voice. You don't make your spouse feel small, you don't speak in a condescending way, what's your tone, all these things will help stabilize a relationship and then start helping the relationship grow. And then when it comes to communication, which is also one of the biggest reasons why marriages fail, poor communication is
work on effective listening, work on effective speaking and work on timing. In short communication, work on being a good listener. Many times we are thinking of what we want to see while our spouse is talking or we are distracted, you know, we're looking away or we're looking at our watch or were tapping, we're not listening. And then effective speaking, pick your words carefully. Make sure you say things that you would want to hear. You have to be very careful, give what you're ready to receive. And then timing me I was moved my husband, he's at work, I'll call him and I will vent. He comes in and I start to talk. This thing has been disturbing me oh god, it didn't help. It never
does. So timing, I started to make an appointment to fight and I will tell so it's something is weighing me down. Something is bothering me. And I want to talk this is after trying many things that didn't work. But that helped. So learn effective communication. Because I come to the end, work on being beat each other's best friends. Work on being married to your best friend. Because passion will come and go.
Those sparks will not always be flying. Just never allow it to become ashes. Let the heat rise and fall. So that passion comes in seasons.
There are times where your spouse looks so hot. So beautiful, so sexy. But there are times well they're right you know, but that's okay. Just make sure your friends throughout, let that be consistent. Your buddy, your best friend, your confidant, your companion, like Allah said we have created for you mates. And then remember to have kids for the sake of Allah and not for anybody else.
Don't go into having children till you know why you want to have kids so that you both agree on being together, raising the kids together. Don't give into pressure from anyone to have kids. My husband talked about this before we got married. He said Marian, I have a bit of baggage I need to deal with right now. I'm not ready to be a father. And when he was ready to be a father, he looked at me I was still move. We were still fighting. He said you're not ready to be a mother either. And they want us to both be intentional parents. We waited Alhamdulillah in our seventh year of marriage was when
Al Hamdulillah Allah blesses us with our first child, but it was planned. So don't give into pressure because kids can make relationships was me What shocks me today you find couples are fighting, but yet they keep popping kids like rabbits, in the mistake with the mistaken belief that kids will make things better. It doesn't. It's being selfish. Those kids didn't ask to be born, you chose to have them. Allah blessed you with them. But you will have to answer to Allah for what they witnessed. So if they witness Jaga Jaga that's what they will repeat. Most likely they will repeat it but they will also tell Allah that's what I saw.
So don't give into pressure when it comes to having kids and discuss parenting before conception. If it is too late, try and go back to the drawing board now because you don't be surprised if one parent is doing all the work. There are lots of problems that are waiting to happen when it comes to parenting. Don't mess with this. Don't leave the responsibility of the upbringing of the kids to one parent. They were conceived by two and that's how they should be raised both of you because both will answer to Allah if they give
They give their kids and they have rights over us. They have a right to tarbiyah good tarbiyah good upbringing. They have a right to a good education. They have a right to shelter. They have a right to be raised in a safe environment and they have a right to be loved. Those are things Allah will ask us about.
We keep lording over our kids that paradise is under the mother's feet are under the parents fee. This is the consequence if you're not, if you do not please your parents. Well guess what?
The key to gender may be under our feet. But the key to Johanna may be under our children's feet if we do not do right by them.
You have to be very careful when it comes to kids. What are they witnessing?
have arguments disagree, but with respect with the ultimate goal of finding a mutual resolution to the problem so that there's peace and harmony, marriage is not about win lose. I will see if you want to win an argument. While your spouse loses you want to be married to a great big fat loser. I am sorry for you that is not marriage.
Then the fun stuff. Be adventurous in the bedroom. physical intimacy is important for most women, most men, more men than women. When it comes to physical intimacy. It's more important to men that women, my sisters, please lend me your ears. So look good for your spouse, maintain yourself smell good, smell good. From top to toe. If you know what I mean, even where the sun don't shine, smell good and keep yourself fresh all the time. Trust me, you've got all the assets, he doesn't need to look outside. And then soften the edges in this day and age of identity crisis and the feminism nonsense and rubbish. And the hyper masculinity rubbish out there and nonsense. For women, bring out
your feminine aching for your spouse.
Some women are behaving like men in the homes.
It may work fine in the banks, or in your corporate world. Fine, you may need to put that on I sometimes have to. But as you say to the door to your house, please do go and remove that uniform and come in with the assets Allah gave you and the gender Allah gave you which is a woman.
Today, sometimes you don't even know who is the man and who is the woman in the house. Like for me, honestly, it's just disturbing, because you see the woman dominant and barking and aggressive and not like ah, sit back. Take it easy. So to my sister's, please let soften the edges and then learn the bedroom acrobatics and fulfill his fantasies. There's a guy who was telling my husband that the reason why he committed Sinha was when he buys the sexy lingerie for his wife, she will say I'm not a prostitute. I'm not going to wear that. And he used that as justification because those were fantasies he had and it's Helen it is pure her love
to bring your spouse's fantasies to life. So learn the bedroom acrobatics to my dear brothers.
I know the women are like, now you're talking right?
Let me just share something with you. Women make love emotionally. While men make love more physically. Let me repeat that women make love emotionally. Some women can go months, even years without needing intimacy as in sex without sexual intimacy, but they need intimacy. It's feeding her spirit that is making love to her. Listen to her without judgment, hold her. Just hold her up without going down the road you want to go to sometimes that's all she needs to feel wanted.
Help her out, lighten her load. Make her feel safe around you protect her. And when I mean protect, protect her in every aspect. Be loyal and faithful to her be kind and show appreciation for even the littlest things she does.
Now that is making love to a woman. And for most women with sense
they will do anything for you. They will bring any Halal fantasy of yours to life, but make sure she is also sexually satisfied according to her own needs. What do I mean by that? You may think what you are doing is what brings up pleasure it may be something else a different way, a different style. This is why communication is key communication for better mutual understanding, but for communication for better understanding of her intimacy needs and vice versa. So please don't be selfish. Don't be one of those wham bam Thank you ma'am. It's over. I roll over and sleep kind of men. Please know that she still has needs and unfortunately, lack of sexual satisfaction in the home
today is causing a lot of fitna.
LION'S DEN are by women is at an all time high. Masturbation by women sexual frustration is the biggest cause of it, and it's not justifiable. But try and make sure you do not open that window. Don't make it easy for them to succumb to that temptation.
Again, just to check your ego because my time is almost literally almost up is check your ego. Be ready for mutual feedback. You are not perfect and no one else is if you want your marriage to work, make sure you check your ego. Your ultimate objective in marriage is to hopefully reunite in our Jana. I have spoken to some people who says I don't want this one, they will please give me somebody else, not this one that I'm married to.
So why do you together make your Janna home, make it a sanctuary make it safe.
You know, make yourself attractive, make peace, make tranquility in the home, develop a habit and a culture of gratitude for even the littlest things. Marriage is all about mutual everything. Mutual input and insha Allah mutual output, no successful marriages can no marriage can run successfully with one person doing all the work. It's not gonna happen it is you are delusional if you feel you're in a happy home where it's your wife doing all the work, or your husband is doing all the work and you are just freeloading sitting there enjoying.
Then the last two things I'm going to share with you is develop a code of conduct for your marriage, like my husband and I that is our grounding. That is our solid as a rock foundation that we stand on. We have rules that guide us, we don't lie to each other. We don't keep secret. We hold on tight to Allah's rule, we do things to please Allah, we fulfill our obligations to one another, we speak with respect. So have your own, it can be five, it can be 20, it can be a gazillion, but both of you need to agree and both of you stay true to it.
Both of you stay true to you. I would like to end by asking you just a few questions. Ask yourself right now, the way your relationship is, if you are married, especially if you have kids, are you okay with your children replicating in their homes with their spouse and their children? What they are seeing in the two of you right now?
Are you okay with them replicating that? And then another question is, do you look forward to coming home to your spouse? Do you look forward to coming home to your spouse? Everything I have said to you today is rubbish. Yes.
Everything I've just said is rubbish. Until you apply it.
We complain that our relationship is not good yet we keep doing the same thing. And we expect to get a difference results. We listen to lecture upon lecture make to our open to us, we get up and do tahajjud. But we're not ready to change what lies within us. We're not ready to change. So what do you want? The input does not produce the right output. We have lectures, we have scholars sharing all the examples we have access now more than ever before. Yet we are becoming more backwards when it comes to how we relate as a couple.
Don't let your spouse do the heavy lifting in the relationship. You sit there and point fingers and you see what they're doing wrong but you're not doing anything right. Okay, so Micah organize the top for us today. Saturday, the 19th. Right?
This gathering today wasn't an accident. We are all gathered here today as witnesses for one another.
But let the input produce the right output. Allah is going to ask us because ignorance is not an excuse. You have to start somewhere you want to see change. Start with yourself. Looking in the mirror. These Game Changer questions I'm going to give you right now is my last words I've been saying last words. This is the real real last words. The Game Changer question is what? Ask your spouse today, sit with your spouse if you're together if they're not find a way to talk to your spouse and ask them what is it that I'm doing wrong in this relationship that you want me to stop?
Question number two, what am I doing right that you want me to continue?
Question number three is what is it that you want us to start doing as a couple together that we're not doing at all?
And then the last question is, how can I make you happier?
How can I make you happier? turn your home into a thriving garden, nurture it with love. Nurture it with sunshine and water and nutrients, add value to it and remove the weeds starting with the weeds within yourself. Work on building a place that is your sanctuary that you both look forward to coming home to that you get children who look forward to mommy and daddy coming home to them
and grow together towards pleasing your maker. May Allah forgive me for where I may have heard, may Allah continue to guide and bless all of you who have shown up today. Those of you on YouTube, those of you on Zoom, and those of you on Instagram does Akuma Lau Hi Ron. May Allah bless you in the best manner. Thank you so much to mica for organizing
events may it be a witness for us insha Allah in the life to come as salam aleikum