Q&A with Sa’id

Maryam Lemu


Channel: Maryam Lemu

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Now we lost our signal. So I'm gonna wait a few seconds for everyone to hop back on. I don't know what happened. We just got kicked out of Instagram. So I pray this doesn't happen again. Anyway, let's see as we have our friends joining us again. All right, hold on. We got more people coming on. There we go. Yeah, we're so sorry we got kicked out I have no idea what happened. Yes. But we got kicked out of Instagram. So it was answering the question that somebody had put, which is of a couple who had been married for 10 years. And they've been having in law issues interfering with their relationship and has messed everything up. There's no communication, there's no respect in the

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relationship. And they have three children who are witnesses to this? What is the advice that we can give them? Based on that? Again, those of you joining us, I'm so sorry, we just our internet, or our Instagram just crashed. So we had to log back on I pray it doesn't happen again. But I did see someone asked a question something to do with their mother had checked off all the boxes except something. I would love for you to put the question again, because it's disappeared. So please, could you send us a question so that we will go back and answer that, but in the meantime, so 80, we're talking about part of the rights, I was referring to the rights of marriage of both husbands

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or wives. Yeah, that kindness, respect and love is what each is entitled to from the other. Now if kindness and respect is among the rights that the husband is entitled to and the wife is entitled to, we have to be very careful that when it comes to parents and the relationship between children and their parents, and when someone went to a school and asked her Sula, Salah Salam, who should I pay attention to? Who should I see? Or who should I visit on three occasions Rasul Allah said, your mother, your mother, your mother. And that's how important parents are in our lives. And the treatment of visit of treat the of treating parents with either either aged in their second there

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have been challenges. I think it's out of respect kindness, and love for your spouse, to let them visit their parents. Of course, the man has the right to deny or his wife has to seek permission from the husband to go out, including visiting relatives and parents, but out of kindness out of respect and consideration. I think a less of course, we have, we have situations where parents become an obstacle and hindrance in the good relations between husbands and wives. In those kinds of situations and circumstances, it is absolutely necessary to draw a boundary and say no, we're not going to allow this to ruin our marriage. Because this is our marriage is not a marriage of parents

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to husbands or, or parents to wives is husband to wife and wife to husband. So such kind of interference is completely discouraged and isn't something that shouldn't be tolerated. But just to visit, as long as one doesn't go there and comes back with negative influences, or thoughts or attitudes in the house. I think it should not be a something denied a wife, particularly when she is trying or he's trying to observe that hadith where we are supposed to show kindness to parents. And don't forget, we've been told severally that paradise lies at the feet of the mother, although some scholars have corrected that and said paradise lies at the feet of parents. Yeah, I hope that has

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answered your question. Yes. You actually answered two questions in one. So but the advice to the couple they have been married 10 years, yes. And they have been in law issues. Your advice is that the man needs to go back and the woman needs to depending on whether interference is coming from it could be from the woman's side. The advice is to go back to your rights and obligations and you or your your spouse to protect them. Yes. And your in laws have no stake in your relationship. They don't have a say under Sharia. It is about you and your spouse and your culture that you want to adopt. They cannot tell you what to do and how to relate with each other and dictate. And the second

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point though, which I needed to emphasize, where's under Sharia, the husband, the wife has to seek her husband's permission to before going out except those already established, and so on. Yes, but the question somebody asked was can a husband stop his wife from visiting her parents which is why you explained this issue to do with you want to make sure you maintain the bonds of kinship, kinship. It's one of those things that we award were cautioned about not to break those ties of kinship. We're not supposed to break that and i If I could say something I don't know if you remember Bubba my dad, whenever he wanted me to come over to the house he doesn't call me and say

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Maryam come over he calls it and say can I see my

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I am and I think that also he was a Sharia he was a grand kadhi until he retired and obviously was following the Sharia, respect the husband by seeking His permission to see his daughter because he has handed his daughter to hemorrhage. Exactly part of the problem sad to say is a lot of parents are not well versed in the interior. Yeah, and do not understand those rights as stipulated in the Holy Quran. And according to the sunnah of Prophet Mohammed

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salah, and I think if there needs to be a discussion, we don't know the full details of what the husband is concerned about and worried about in deny her the right to physical, yes, maybe there's some negative influence or interference or whatever it is, they need to sit down and discuss it and remind each other that they are, their obligation or responsibilities are first and foremost to Allah, and then to themselves as husbands and wives, and then to remember those rights and responsibilities, another buffet, you can pick and choose what you want be as opposed to do every single one. Exactly. And it's a lot. If you want to find out what your rights and obligations are,

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you can just go to my website, it's right there as you log on www dot Merriam limoux.com. And it will pop up and it's a free principle a PDF file. Let me answer let us answer some of the questions I see here. Do you think attraction can grow? After marriage? My mom introduced me to someone that checks off all the boxes, but I don't find them attractive?

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possibly Yes. But being pleasing to the eyes is one of the requirements for a good marriage, a person has to be pleasing to you to see to look at. And if it's missing right from the beginning. I can't say it will not grow. If there's a possibility when you get to know the person, how kind they are, how considerate

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how loving and caring they are, how nurturing they are, how inspiring how compassionate they are. That's beautiful, even when they become ugly, at least that part is. The heart is beautiful. The heart is beautiful. On many occasions, it overcomes the physical beauty of a person. Yeah, so but as much as we emphasize how important that is, right off the bat, the looks, you know, they matter. We can't deny that they matter. We shouldn't focus purely on that executive recursion, we can look for a man they say we can marry a woman because of a beauty, genealogy, her wealth and her piety. But as soon as Allah Salam said,

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I'll rub the face of the person who does not buy only because of a pipe. So yes, beauty matters. But in consideration in in prioritizing what's important is the piety. Excellent. All right. Another question we got here. Sorry. For the man too. Isn't how handsome he is. It's not how attractive he is. Yeah, it is how God fairy? Yes, absolutely. And then is it a high expectation to want your partner to be educated? And if he is not, and you object? Can you object to that? Or is that wrong? If you want you insist that your partner is educated? Well,

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first Kalama that Rasulullah I mean, that angel Jibreel brought Rasul Allah was what?

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Three? Yeah, the pursuit of knowledge is an obligation in every Muslim. And if we look at even in the rest of responsibilities, that is one of the rights and responsibilities of spouses also, not only to allow the spouse to gain knowledge, but for you to pursue knowledge. So it's really important because if a man and if we're talking if this is a lady asking on behalf of a man, and he's supposed to be the leader of the family, he is supposed to be the one that guides and Salah Salim said the husband is like the shepherd of the flock, whichever direction he goes, they follow. If he doesn't have knowledge, if he doesn't seek knowledge, how would he be able to do that?

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Exactly. So it's critical that yes, and the Dania about the man not seeking knowledge. I've seen marriages where the woman has gone up, the man stayed down. And it became an issue because every time he said something that was wrong, and she tried to correct him, it became a problem. But even the kids could see he wasn't knowledgeable. And do you remember the other case we had where this guy was complaining to us that the wife went on to pursue a PhD and a PhD? And then later when they were having conversations, she would say something or he would answer, sorry, you wouldn't understand Understand? Imagine. So for the sake of ortant if you are to lead to have the requisite requirements

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to lead, you don't have to earn the respect to lead. You cannot lead if you're not respected. And I'm sorry to say you will not be respected if you're not knowledgeable. Absolutely. And then the other part is what he did with me. I got married to him at 18 and

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You keep reading, just so you got married to me when you were young. He was 12 years old.

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So but what the age gap, obviously, he was much wiser, more mature. And he was actually very intellectual. He read books like world history, World Geography, World Politics, yeah, roll your eyes, you did. And I got married to him. And my husband wanted to talk politics today. And I was like, so he, what I love, what I respected is he actually pushed me to be come to the same level with him. So but I didn't want to go to university. I didn't want formal education. But I wanted to be educated. I wanted to be knowledgeable. So he kept pushing me, you know, to go to different places, different sources of knowledge. And one, of course of the best places is to read, I remember

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how much I hated reading in the beginning. And he would he called it bedtime stories, because I didn't want to pick up a book and read, but he started reading it to me, over time, I started to enjoy it. Yes. Appreciate it, enjoy it. And then I started to read and then suggest you Oh, you gotta read this book. This is really, really good, which is suggesting books to me to read. Exactly. So I think this thing about education, it's really important, you both rise together when it comes to intellectual because I always say try and have a lot in common, you don't have to have everything in common. There are things I love to do. So he does not want anything like shopping, doesn't like

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shopping, which is such a pity.

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For me broke.

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And he gets really bored. But anyway, there it's important to have a lot in common. Like I had to learn about sports, because it was important to him. So guess what, today I was I went to work. And he called me because Nadal had won his 20 seconds. Yes. And we were we were both shouting, we was both happy. Because it's something we have in common. We share the interests, especially in sports in world politics. Intellectually, I think even in the books we read, we have so much in common to talk about. So I think this issue to do with education certainly is Ryan, these very close. And when you do that, you're also setting an example for your children. That's very important. It's not what

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you tell them to do is what they see you. And when you hunger for knowledge, you're curious, and it's positive curiosity. And you're seeking knowledge, positive knowledge that would make the world a better place make people better, you have to have this desire, that when someone sits with you for just five minutes, they will not leave you without gaining something because time is so precious. So we have that mindset mindset. That would be excellent. Absolutely. We've got another question here. Can you share tips on how to strengthen communication? and mutual respect? Excellent question. Yes, say do you want to go first, how to strengthen communication and mutual respect. First and foremost,

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it's important to recognize that we the some of our experiences we raised differently and how we communicate. But when you get married, you understand that you're creating your own culture. So you get you take the best practices, and you bring it to the table, she brings the best practices, you actually discuss this, what's the best way to communicate with you in a manner that is not offensive? It's not denigrating? You don't feel like you're being pressurized? And you know, you're being heard. It's very, very important. What in what indicators? Would you like me to project that makes you feel and listening to you, and I understand you, because the way you've been communicating

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before is totally different from what she's used to, and vice versa. So she, Maryam had a mouth.

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I mean, I mean, she described it as weapons of mass destruction. Her communication style was devastating.

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I had to say, no, no, you don't communicate like that. You just make matters worse, he set boundaries. And he was so sensitive. Like I couldn't say anything. He said, You're being disrespectful, and we're just having fun. And he's like, I don't like it. He was serious. Yeah, it took a while for me to get her jokes. You know, but the sad thing is, she says, I don't know how to tell a joke. Oh, no. Hey, wait, no, it's my team does not tell jokes. So they are so dry. Let me finish. Okay, it got so bad. I had to say one day black Jokes Matter. That's right. But

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seriously, on a serious note,

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when you do come to terms and discuss the best way to communicate with one another, because the objective is to do it in such a way that at the end of it, you respect one another. There is nothing wrong really in doing that you shouldn't be afraid to say I

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I don't like this style, because this is how it comes across. Well, this is how I mean and over time you realize when your spouse says something that may seem offensive because you know her or you know him so well, you know, it's not offensive, but that she didn't mean that or he didn't mean a yes. But give them the benefit of the one last thing I'll say before Maria speaks, please do your best to give each other the benefit of the doubt. Yes. And I would add when it comes to communication, because for me to overcome, yes, the problems I had communicating, which were plenty was I learned different methods. Number one, I tried writing him a letter to be effective and communication. Many

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of you have heard my story about writing letters, it didn't start well.

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It didn't start well. hamdulillah we've come a long way. We then evolve to me making an appointment to fight. So I'd like so if something is bothering me, whenever it's okay with you, I want to talk I need to get this off my chest Alhamdulillah. We take him a few days. But when we finally sit down, you'd like to come and sit right here. What is bothering you? And it tell hamdulillah often went better. Now, we've reached the stage where if something is bothering us, we just say like, oh, no, I didn't like that thing you did? And he's like, Oh, no, sorry. I didn't mean it. If the feedback is instant, no anger. Yeah, don't harbor any ill right away. So we don't notice any exact.

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Immediate, but of course, with respect, I often have to say. So it gets I didn't like that thing you did. It really annoyed me. And he says so I just want to set the record straight. It's not that we don't fight or have misunderstandings but we don't have the kinds of disagreements that make us disagreeable. You know, we maintain good manners, respect. And we always work towards finding a mutual resolution and not to hold things in our hearts. You know, I think that's also something important. Then the last question was about respect. Somebody was asking how do you you know, have learned to develop respect, it really, I think is something about we've heard this it's overflowing.

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Respect is reciprocal. conduct yourself with dignity and give respect and insha Allah if you are married to a correct person, you will get it back in sha Allah remember, it's a right for both husbands and wives to be respected. You have to be respectful to your spouse. Yeah. husband to wife, wife to husband. Yes. All right. Good manners is so critical in marriage. Bad. Behavior, bad bad otherwise is what destroys a marriage. So fights don't destroy your marriage is the house. Exactly. Then here's another question. My mom doesn't want me to marry a man I want as a third wife. Alright. Because my sisters are divorced. What can I do? Even though the istikhara adivasis. Even though the

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istikhara shows positivity? What do I do? Well, the concern I have about people being objectionable to

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polygamy is that it's a sunnah. So let's be careful. Let's not make her on what is halal? That's very, very dangerous. Is it just because the sisters divorcees is made? Possibly because they made wrong choices? Who says Your choice is wrong? Yeah. The focus here is to investigate the man you want to marry? Does he have the knowledge, the Dean depth and Dean? Does he have the capacity? Is he caring to his existing wives? In fact, the the interview should be with his current two wives. How good husband how good a father is he how good a leader is in the home? That's gonna be hard to do. Yeah. But that's, that's what you're supposed to do. And then that accompany with is to hire which

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your mother should join you in doing? I don't think it's right to look at other people's experiences, training formula for the opinion of yours. No, these are totally separate individuals, very, not the same people, maybe not even the same background, and so on and so forth. So I would say caution there, but the best way to go about it. And we've had situations where a lady who was approached by a man sought the the permission, and was allowed to talk to the man's existing wife and they had a thorough discussion about her coming in as a co wife or sister wife. So that happens and there should be nothing to hide. If the man is it has nothing to hide to say, yeah, go talk to

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them. Do I have the means? Yes. Am I a good husband? They're the best people to answer that question. Am I a good father, they will be in a better position to say do I care? Do I cater to my family the way I should as is stipulated in the Quran? And according to sunnah Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam. They are the best people to answer that question. But don't forget that is to her, not just human, not just your mom, even those family friends who you know,

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close to Allah spiritually and are good people to join you in the Sahara inshallah. Absolutely. All right. I've got another question here that I wrote down. When is the best time to get

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Get married. When would you say, you know what if you've done this, this this, this is the right time, when will you know that you're ready to get married? This is a common question I get. We are seeing a lot of examples these days of young people getting married when they're not ready to be husbands or wives. They're not they haven't really taken a journey into the self journey of discovery, to understand what their strengths and weaknesses are as human beings. And that's why the premarital counseling is so important. It has been missing in our society. And then you have young people who get married who are under the rules of their fathers who don't have jobs who are being

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maintained being given allowances. That's not a good situation to be in for a man really isn't. If your parents and here's the thing, when we will spend millions and millions and millions and receptions yes bridling wedding I would say honestly, in preparing a young man is better that money is put aside as a source of investment. So it generates revenue. These events last what, two three days maximum? Yeah. And along the way, sadly, a lot of us even commit sin because we do have physical contact you see bride and groom dancing together yet Anika has not been done. It is wrong. When Yeah, when the car takes place, listen to stand. So there we go. They're seeking the blessings

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of Allah of Allah. Absolutely. Conducting the sunnah of Prophet Muhammad Sallallahu wasallam with witnesses? Why would we go to that extent, and then take our own hands, and then knock the whole thing down?

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By inviting cheat and into the, into our lives and and do all sorts of BDR in the name of sophistication? Why? You know, we are enlightened, we have money, you know, we can do this dance style and that dance that we can keep holding hands. Wrong, no physical contact until I'm not a fanatic. This is Allah's law, not mine, though physical contact when you do that, and within six months or nine months, you start having problems and you start wondering why the whole thing was based on a shaky foundation. Yeah. Don't go out there trying to impress people, if you want to impress anybody impress Allah. Exactly. And love that. Yeah. All right. Quickly, I will answer ask

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another question. The man I want to marry can't understand my native language. And I also can't understand his so the only way we can communicate is in English advice, please.

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This is interesting. Well, that's okay. Yeah, there's nothing my mom was British. My dad was lucky. And my mum obviously couldn't speak up and Alhamdulillah they lived happily for 50 years. So guess what, there are people who speak the same language but don't communicate in that language. Yeah, they don't communicate well. So I don't think that's a hindrance. As long as you have a way a language. The key thing is to be courteous, respectful and tactful. When you speak. With respect. That's the key thing. Just be respectful. Yeah, be tactful, and be courteous, in whatever language it is. Allah has blessed you to be able to communicate and and know the rights and responsibilities

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of husbands and wives in Islam. Michela Exactly. Let me ask another question. So let me go to those questions that I asked you guys to send me emails for, which is what is it? And I'll start with this one, we'll answer the next set of questions in the next session. What do men do that women don't like? And one of the first one is men don't open up about their feelings. They're not expressive about how they feel. What you as a man, what do you have to say to that we have to understand if you go from Indo China, you go to indo Pakistani, you go to the Middle East, you go to North Africa, you come to Africa, there is a way we are raised as this macho people who don't show emotion, we are

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tough, we are resilient, we can hold it in, we can tolerate and so on and so forth. The unfortunate thing is, when you're not expressive, we tend to blow up when we least expect. And we tend to lose control because it's all so pent up. And we've we haven't, we don't have an outlet. The sad thing is, we are considered weak. When we open up and we share our fears or doubts, even traumatic experiences that we've had growing up that may be considered shameful to even share. And that causes us I'm not kidding. It causes us health problems. Beyond just marital problems, it causes us physical health problems. It causes us emotional problems, it causes psychological problems, and we

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tend to let out our frustration on our loved ones because of unresolved issues. So it's important the key concern that many men also have Sad to say, is when they do share their secrets they experience. Sometimes our spouses tend to use it in a fight and denigrate the same person who has come

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Find it in them in something that's very, very personal, very sensitive to them, or they tell others or they tell others violate trust. Yeah, when that happens, or when they know it's happened to someone they know. They're hesitant to open up. Yeah, you'll see many men would rather share these concerns with fellow men than they would with their own wives. And it shouldn't be like that. But the women have to make sure they let the husband know that this is a sanctuary, that when you come to me with something that's bothersome, something that has affected you something that's shaken you as a human being, or as a man, rest assured, what I'm there to do is to provide you with solace, to

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give you support, to give you whatever assistance I can possibly give you to make you heal. And when you understand the power you have as a spouse, to help your spouse, he'll believe you need a sense of indebtedness, that sense of appreciation is astronomical. And they will be there for you too. So we have to give the signal that I am a safe haven. Come to me, I will hear you. And I'll help you. And unless you tell me to discuss it with somebody is between me you and Allah. We have to project that sense of trust that is the women have project Yes, and help. I know a lot of men, it's probably how they saw their own parents, especially their father, how he was maybe he was non expressive. I

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think one thing I love so much is watching the aid and how he relates with the boys and what the boys witnessed growing up. He was very expressive, if he said, he'll say, I'm feeling sad. He was expressive of emotions. You know, and he would say, you know, I'm not happy about this, or I'm sad about this, or this makes me so, you know, I'm elated to hear words of emotions that over the years, I watched the boys as they grew older, they would say honestly, I'm feeling really sad right now on I'm scared about this. And I think these are words that, you know, when men say it, that vulnerability actually is such an endearing quality. I know for lots of women, when I talk to them,

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they they love their husbands even more when they soften up and show how human they are when they show that expression. So I just want to say for the men who man up and go buy big boys don't cry, it's actually unhealthy. So it said, and it's not really a good quality to have. Because if your spouse has earned your trust, it's something that's important because they are the ones you're supposed to open up to. They're the ones who are meant to know you better than anyone else in the world. But May Allah guide us in the best manner? There's a question I'd have to answer here from a lady. She said, I want to get married. But whenever I think of leaving my parents, I always get

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scared. And I find myself scared, you know, really scared, please, how can I deal with this? This is so sweet. But I mean, obviously, this is a reality. You I want you to answer it. How did you feel getting married? I mean, I was looking forward to leaving home. My father was so strict. I was dying to go out of the house. My father had curfews for me and lots of rules. And may Allah bless him. Those rules protected me. And I created my own rules in our house too. But I don't think I'm really the right example. But I had a such a close bond and a tight relationship with my parents. And yes, of course, one is going to miss one's parents. But you know, this is life. If you think about how

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would you feel you're afraid of leaving home. But if Allah called your parents home, which is obviously inevitable one day, what are you going to do, you know, we're going to lose our loved ones one day or, you know, one day, so I don't mean to be insensitive, but you mentally need to just prepare yourself and know that this is part of your life. You're not leaving your parents, they're still in your life, you know, their parents for life. You're going you're starting your own family. Exactly. You have your own children. So you become a parent. And like we used to spend Sundays, we had family day, where we would go with my husband in the morning and we play tennis with my brother

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and my mom. And then my dad would come and sit and be watching us and our children would be playing around while we played. So we made it a nice family thing. So we are still together. And then they would come to our house for breakfast, then we would go to my mom's house for lunch, and we'd all sit together and be chatting as a family. You know, so you're not really leaving your family. It's not goodbye forever, even if you are in another country. The good thing is you have Whatsapp Video, you've got zoom and other mediums that you can still see your parents and loved ones and communicate with them. I think there is there is a need for parents to start preparing both male and female

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children for marriage to start telling them earlier that

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You're gonna have your own home, you're gonna have your own husband, you're gonna have your own wife, and you're gonna have your own children. So mentally earlier on, because that was what was done with me, I think I was maybe seven or eight when the discussion of marriage was being thrown around, and people were making jokes and so on. So in my mind early on, and kind of accepted the fact that I will be getting married someday. And I'll have my own wife, and I'll have my own kids. So parents have a role to play in that also. But when you visit danger, we love our children so much, we sheltered them so much that they cannot fathom or imagine any place that will be as good as

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home. Yeah, that has a disadvantage.

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As much as we love our kids, there are disadvantages there. As we do that, we should also remind them that the time will come when they will start their own families, and we start sharing ideas with them. What helped me a lot is discussions with my father and my mother's because I come from a polygamy where they talk about marriage, husbands and wives and so on. So I got used to the idea that someday this is going to happen. So it wasn't kind of a shock for me. But it was a shock getting married to her anyway. But anyway, I'm

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just say,

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that will happen. But the concept of marriage shouldn't scare you. Because it's a natural progression in life. Yeah, excellent. I will wrap up very quickly. I wasn't going to be here for too long. But I got two more questions on this list. The first is

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leaving parents to okay, this person wrote in that leaving parenting to the mother. And then when things go wrong, the kids get messed up, she gets blamed. This is such a common thing. And I know, a lot of mothers, a lot of women complain about this. So what are your thoughts on that? I could not fathom.

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Leaving parenting. To marry them alone, I felt I'll be losing a major opportunity to bond. And that is why from conception seriously.

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I started my parents. In fact, we discuss parenting before even the conception. But the moment Maryam was had come along enough to go to

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a birthing class. Yeah. And I think we had six of them. Over six weekends. I didn't miss a single one. I went shopping one day

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I went, I took my notes, everything from from the contraction pains and you know, helped me

00:32:39--> 00:32:57

to me when I was in labor. Now he was in the labor room with me. But of course, he wasn't at the bottom. And he was by my head throughout. He never wanted to look at any icky stuff. But you know, what I loved is because I missed the most important class, which is the breathing exercises. I was there hyperventilating.

00:32:58--> 00:33:03

And then my face was turning purple, because I wasn't breathing properly. And sage was the one doing.

00:33:07--> 00:33:14

And you know, the funny thing, there was a time where I was into it's been an hour. And he's like, What do you breathe? Are you gonna die?

00:33:18--> 00:33:22

But honestly, he saved me because I literally was changing color.

00:33:25--> 00:33:29

From birth, rocking them, feeding them bathing them,

00:33:30--> 00:33:36

to take them away from her. I mean, it was when my children can start drinking coffee because I

00:33:38--> 00:34:17

want to make so that I could sleep. Yeah, yeah. Once the kids were up at night, I just took them away from her. And, you know, it created a bond. Yeah, there's a relationship between my children and I've is just priced even now they are finished university. Practically. One is just about to graduate. And one of the graduates are close. Yeah, they're so close. They talk every day every day. Yeah, we discuss everything I could I wouldn't trade that for the world. Yeah. So for the men who think it's like, oh, I can my turn is just for women. Men don't do that wrong and missing out. And one thing one sad thing is a phenomenon going on in Nigeria, especially in certain parts of the

00:34:17--> 00:34:54

country. Because it is the mothers who spend all the time and caring for the kids, when they become affluent. I've had cases where the children who live abroad will just sell tickets to their mothers, and they leave the man limit living alone. And in Nigeria, honestly, the mother isn't there and then taking care of their mother. And the reason being, you will not involve you're detached and many of them think that's the way supposed to be the kids see this and they feel you don't care. They feel you're not involved. All you do is you go you pay for the fees, you don't care to hear or know anything about them. And the one who has been there every single time when they pain when they have

00:34:54--> 00:34:59

nightmares when they pee in bed and they need to be reassured all these things if it's

00:35:00--> 00:35:38

Always the mother, I want to tell my brothers out there, be careful, because later on in life, honestly, they will show appreciation to just a mother. Yeah. And I also want to add, and from a religious perspective, you know, the role of parenting lies on promote parents, you both are going to be responsible, and in the life to come when it comes to the therapy, or you instilled what kind of education and values you gave your children, Allah will ask you about that. So that's important. Just quickly, let me say you need to finish. One of the greatest things that I experienced is my father sharing his life lessons with me.

00:35:40--> 00:36:26

I was maybe five or six when these conversations will begin. And he would let me understand, he is fallible, he is human. And he makes mistakes. And he struggles with certain things. And that conversation gave me this sense of being human being imperfect, fallible, and it makes you want to be better, you strive to be better, because my father will say, I've done this, and I don't want you to do it. Make sure you don't do this, you don't do that. Now, I don't think anybody could have had as much an impact on me, as my father telling me those things for so I tell men, often whether you have daughters or sons, talk to them about your mistakes, your missteps, you know, the errors, you

00:36:26--> 00:37:02

made the price you pay, because if they're your children, of course, we know, they're going to have some of your characteristics. And if they do have some of those challenges, or weaknesses that you have as human being, you want them to avoid the mistakes that you've made. So you don't keep silent. So you have conversations with them. And they reach an age where they will come say bye. Or sometimes you notice, oh, I was like that growing up. I got into a lot of trouble. Either arrest this early, it's not insulting, beating, but having a conversation say, You know what, I noticed this about you just like me, please don't go down that road go this way instead. Okay. I thought a

00:37:02--> 00:37:12

question that somehow is somehow connected. So I feel let me just answer it. My husband keeps lying, he will not stop his bad habits. He's not a great father, either. What can I do?

00:37:14--> 00:38:05

That comes up so often. Yeah. See, there are times where your spouse does not want to listen to you even though you want to present right? The reason is this. Right? So responsibilities are a duty, they are acts of ibadah. To Allah. And if lying is considered a sin in Islam, then let him know. It's not that he's hurting you when he lies. He's hurting himself. It's self destruction. Yeah. And if you are his sutra, as a certain sort of backer, you're there to protect his garment. And you tell this man that listen, there is a limit to what I can do. This is what you're doing to yourself. And if you are not listening to me, I'm going to escalate this to people that you respect and tell them

00:38:05--> 00:38:49

to step in. Because I'm trying to save you from yourself. It's not that you're hurting me, but you're hurting yourself. And when you go on this self destructive drive or binge that you do, and you don't realize that it is really your path to jahannam I have to tell people, this, which is the worst thing is this, the bad example that you're setting for the kids, because they may end up becoming lies themselves come Judgment Day, even if you need to, if you're not careful, you repent, and you're okay with Allah. And they continue, you get the children continue. Judgment Day you pass your answers to you, you scale through, then it comes to your children's lives, the Hadith could see

00:38:49--> 00:39:26

where when it's their turn, they say, I became like that because my father was like this. And they'll tell you, Oh, you're on your way to gender as a comeback. Let's be very careful about habits. It's not okay. It's my life. No, it's beyond your life, you're affecting the lives of others. And like I said, at the beginning, this is a lesson and said, the husband is like a shepherd of his flock, whatever direction they go, they fall, even if you repent, or you become better. Remember, you've planted a seed. Unfortunately, it's not a good seed that you planted in your child. And also, I think for some they want to know so what can I do? I can't talk to my husband, maybe he

00:39:26--> 00:39:59

won't listen, these are habits, you may have to escalate you may have to involve people that he respects to talk to him that this is affecting you. This is affecting the relationship that she's affecting the children you know, exactly and she's relationship with Allah, but at the same time as well. You know, it's anyway, I think so it has answered pretty much most of the points with regard to that you have to decide what do you want to do if you have to do is to hire a why because it is your children that are seeing the example and you will be asked about that. You know, you may think you're doing them a favor.

00:40:00--> 00:40:45

By staying in a toxic relationship or in an unhealthy relationship, and they're seeing the wrong example, later, they will resent you for allowing them to be witnesses to that. So I've got the last question here, but I noticed one more before I go there, let me see, is it haram for a man to enter multiple motors without permanently marrying? Wow, this is such an interesting question. And it is amazing that it's coming. Now I can't believe this came up. So for those who don't know what motor is, it is it's described as temporary marriage and it is called often something that comes up from the CSCs. But it isn't something that most scholars subscribe to. So I say most often what I have

00:40:45--> 00:41:06

learned based on my research, it is an Islam is haram. It is an Islamic It is haram for you to go into this one. Yes, even if it is one, not multiple permanent marriages, what we should all go into marriage is marriage forever after with one spouse or for the most if we are able to do it just to satisfy your temporary loss.

00:41:07--> 00:41:21

So this is this question. Why I said it's interesting is I just came back from the UK a few days ago. And while I was there, I was counseling somebody. And she was mentioning, this is such a common thing that

00:41:22--> 00:42:02

what was the word I said, secret marriage, that this is very common, different from temporary marriage. This was secret marriage that their parents don't even know they're married, but they have a relationship going on. When things mess up, like I discovered in some of the cases I was counseling is. So this girl marry somebody secretly. And then her parents want her to marry someone, but she's already gone into a liquor with someone else. Imagine the mess she has put herself in, and how she's going to get out of that mess. It's a long story. And I think I'll do another talk on that particular thing, because the lady gave me permission to share her story and her experience. But

00:42:02--> 00:42:46

when I was sharing what I learned from with someone else, he actually said to me, that there are some places in the Shia communities where they have even, you know, imams of brothels, where they do, like 10 minutes or 40 minutes, Nica, they go they commit sinner because that's what it is. And then they come out and the new dowry, no, no, no, nothing just an A guy's done. And then it is dissolved so that they can have sex guilt free. I don't know who they think they are fooling. But I just want to answer the question you are asking, is it haram for a man to enter multiple Moataz? Yes, it is. Haram. Let's just answer the flat out the answer is definitely it is. Could you advise a

00:42:46--> 00:43:28

divorce see who is scared about marrying again? Okay, this question just popped up. As we're wrapping up. There's one big question I want you to answer. But to answer that, could you advise a divorce? See, if you're still scared, I would say it's not yet time to go into marriage. First, I advise divorcees really do a lot of introspective reflect on what happened, what went wrong. It can't all be the other person's fault. You might have done some things that allowed for this thing to grow and ruin a relationship. You didn't investigate your spouse properly. Exactly. You may not have done or you ignored the warning. Yes, exactly. So there's a lot that goes that happens that

00:43:28--> 00:44:08

creates a divorce. But I also want to say you need to recognize, then you need to heal. You need to get back on your feet where you feel confident, continue to grow, continue to upgrade yourself. Learn be more self aware. Learn more about emotional intelligence, learn more about effective communication management, conflict resolution, all the things that you know, went wrong in the relationship, but Oh, I wish I knew that before I got married. Do that homework before you go into a new relationship. I think it's important to take a stock sticker stock of what went wrong except what you need to do to fix that before you even consider getting married. Absolutely. So I think for

00:44:08--> 00:44:51

you also because you are vulnerable. Do not allow people to tell you, you know your time is running out. You're already at the mercy you better manage and take whatever comes your way. Stop being choosy. Do not give into that kind of pressure. Otherwise, you'll find yourself back where you were before, but for your fear. Then take your time and do your homework, right? Do your premarital ask. Yeah, investigate them properly. Don't ignore warning signs. Check off all the key boxes that matter be truthful to the prospective man about your weaknesses exact here's the reason why none of us are perfect. Yeah. And when you share what your weaknesses are, you want your spouse to help you

00:44:51--> 00:44:59

overcome them. You know whether man or woman so don't hide them. Don't hide them. Don't be deceitful. Be honest. I love

00:45:00--> 00:45:39

In His mercy will also help you both in overcoming those challenges Inshallah, yes, then last question here, and they might just answer one more there. But here's this one. When I asked that question, what is it that women don't like that men do this one is intimacy is one sided. I can hear people in the house saying, yes, intimacy is one sided. It's more about the man being pleased and enjoying it than the woman. It's more about sex than making love. What have you got to say to that so cute? Well, first and foremost, let's understand one thing. Men and women are wired differently.

00:45:40--> 00:45:44

Women make love emotionally, men do so physically.

00:45:46--> 00:45:50

What do you mean by that? You need to explain to tafsir on that, okay?

00:45:51--> 00:45:59

You don't stop making love to your wife. At night, you started in the morning.

00:46:00--> 00:46:46

What I mean by that, from the moment she wakes up, how you communicate through the day, how you talk to her, how you check on her, when you're home, how you help if you're both home with the chores, you know, how you are empathetic when she comes. And there's one thing you know, and they say Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, when they come complaining to you about how their day went. don't solve the problem. Just listen. Don't be a Martian. Yeah, don't be a Martian. These things the mood lovemaking starts early. And when you deposit all these things, the woman is emotionally ready to make love to. That's number one. Number two.

00:46:47--> 00:47:03

It is a requirement. It's a it's in Sharia. Right. Yeah. To prepare the woman, okay. Yeah. You know, in essence, to prepare her physically to accept you.

00:47:04--> 00:47:24

You don't get shot to arouse to arouse her and to make her willing to accept you not to hurt her not to physically just go in and cause all sorts of problems down there. Men have to understand that. So it's not like we have an urge right now and we want to satisfy ourselves right now. And that's it. We don't we don't we start snoring like a lion. You know, when the lioness that's not the way it's supposed to be.

00:47:27--> 00:47:59

But we're supposed to be more considerate more sensitive about the nature of women, we have to understand the nature of women's brains. It's they make love from here. Well, you make me messing here. We, if it's if it's messed up the things on if she's not happy if she's not in the right frame of mind, or you fall you unresolved emotions. You just think I'm sorry. And then she's okay. It doesn't work like that gentleman. So take the time have a conversation, not when you're around. No. Have a conversation.

00:48:01--> 00:48:11

When when you're above normal? How do you want me to do this? Yeah, just have a conversation your brings you pleasure. And finally, let me say this

00:48:12--> 00:48:34

intimacy satisfaction is a right of both husband. And whilst it's it is listed in the rest of the responsibilities, though, why we owe each other we owe each other your husband that is fine. Also wife to be satisfied. You hear this hadith that men like Cody, even if she's on the camera, she's supposed to come down when the husband

00:48:35--> 00:48:44

comes? Well, there's another side to that. They say when the work isn't satisfied, she can keep you in bed until the sun rises. But you see Armando will talk about that.

00:48:45--> 00:48:47

We can stop you from going out to man.

00:48:49--> 00:48:49

Yeah, yeah.

00:48:52--> 00:49:30

So let's let's be careful. When you keep ignoring that. You're not only denying her her right, you're also offending Allah. And you are going to cause fitna if you're not careful, because we are dealing with the effects of women who have been neglected or it's not because that's where the rise of masturbation watching pornography has just risen. Yes. And then extramarital affairs, extramarital affairs, because you feel it you hear, you know, I do everything, they're not satisfied, or it's all about them and not me, what about my needs, and then somebody else comes along, or they watch something and before you know it, it leads to something else. So I have to be

00:49:30--> 00:49:59

you have to get this in order. So that is it with regard to the questions I was going to answer on my list from those that I have listed, but I got a ton more. Well, I have over 100, but I'm not going to answer them today. But I see a lot of requests that we should do this more often. In sha Allah we will make the time I just see somebody asked, please advise some men who focus more on their phones than on their families. I think for me, one thing that I've heard said see quite often is be careful with what you you

00:50:00--> 00:50:39

Is your eyes to see then sometimes Zina is optimized with what you see, the person may be just chatting with people. But be careful giving the unseen more priority than those that you would want by your bedside. If you were on your deathbed, those that truly matter, those that will pray for you when you are no longer on this earth. Here's the thing. Rasul Allah said the best among Muslims, and the best among us are those who are best to their wives. And then in the case, he said, he said, I'm the best amongst you, every second, I want brothers and sisters, to understand this, every second we spend, Allah will ask us to account for it.

00:50:41--> 00:51:23

Now, when you come to account, and you had an option to either have a conversation, of which both you and your wife or your family will grow, will learn will be better Muslims better versions of yourselves. And instead you lock yourself up in a phone, you know, either you're looking at social media or political conversations, or gossip, or whatever it is, or fashion, or music, you lose that opportunity. It will be held against you come Judgment Day, that time is precious. And I want to say there is nothing more valuable, more precious than time because once it's gone,

00:51:24--> 00:52:03

that's it. You can't get it back. So careful how you manage time. Careful who you spend time with, careful what you discuss in that time. Careful What kind of advice you give in that time, careful even what you think. Because you can have Xena also, you know, you visualize things and it isn't it doesn't have to be physical. There's the nerves in other hand, you typed in your phone, you went to a site there is in our foot you walk to a place now that I you know didn't have so many things hungry, everything. Be careful. So time and our body parts are witnesses against us. They will just imagine in front of Allah. They will say what? Yeah, testifying. I think that's important. So it's

00:52:03--> 00:52:10

so funny. I saw somebody write something. I thought it was so hilarious. They said we look at like, how

00:52:13--> 00:52:13

you know?

00:52:15--> 00:52:28

Hey, you know what? When we first started, it was so funny, you guys will miss the beginning. You know, people will say funtown Cook and then he now looked at me and he said I am boy he's

00:52:29--> 00:52:36

Nigeria you get it right? No, no, I'm Allah the kind of see is blacker than me and as black as my hair.

00:52:40--> 00:53:20

Anyway, I don't know what you see similar in us. Maybe it's our personalities because over insha Allah in September, we would have done 81 years Alhamdulillah we continue to pray to Allah to bless our union. I always tell people, we never take each other for granted. Not for a moment we pray that you react to where we are in 10 years or five years. Even better. Yeah, that's what we pray everybody watching us. We hope you get to where we are in modern materialism. Yes, exactly. May Allah bless you all. Thank you so much for joining us. People asked if I'm going to save this absolutely in sha Allah. I will save. Okay, so does that mean that you can't visualize scenes in

00:53:20--> 00:53:27

your husband? As well as does that also know if it's your spouse or husband? is good to know me?

00:53:32--> 00:53:38

Anticipate it's even something that will make you look forward to seeing them. Yeah, definitely. Nothing wrong. That one is all

00:53:39--> 00:53:49

very Hello. Anyway, we will stop now. May Allah bless you to Zakum Allah. Hi, Ron, thank you so much. And I will see this so it is always it's fun.

00:53:50--> 00:53:53

Yes, fun. Don't call me again.

00:53:55--> 00:54:26

I will own the boy. Yes, I am doing my I don't mind. Oh, somebody says this to you the answer my question. Please ask it quickly. Please ask. I promise you we will stay one more second. And we will answer your question. I'm so sorry. All right. I love you too. Do you know it was so funny somebody wants I was watching a video where it was so hilarious. While you I'm thinking time so that you can ask your question or my sister, please ask your question. So there was something I saw where people were mimicking how folks who go live on Instagram would

00:54:27--> 00:54:43

behave when they first go live. And it was so funny because they were like, you know, Hey, everyone, I'm just waiting for others to help on Hi Shaniqua I see you. Oh yeah, he's stronger. 82 I see. I think it was so funny because I found myself doing

00:54:49--> 00:54:51

it does doesn't get what I'm doing. Yes.

00:54:53--> 00:54:59

It was funny for me. Okay, I see. She says she's gonna send me a DM. All right, Inshallah, I will go there. So it's

00:55:00--> 00:55:05

Not to waste anybody else's time may Allah bless you salaam aleikum over and out from us in

00:55:07--> 00:55:07

our lake