Key to a successful marriage – Living with dignity and love #01

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Maryam Lemu

Channel: Maryam Lemu

Episode Notes

Episode Transcript

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also been let him initiate and redeem Bismillahirrahmanirrahim Assalamu alaikum warahmatullahi wabarakatuhu This is Merriam lemo, just akmola higher and our barouche press for hosting this live event. May Allah grant all of us the full blessings of this month of Ramadan, I am coming to you live on various platforms. So I would like you to share your comments in the comment section below and post any questions you might have. Because at the end of this whole event in sha Allah, I will be doing a Q and A so very much looking forward to that. I'm going to be talking about the secrets of marital success living with dignity, and love. Now few selections in human life can be as

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sensitive and as essential as selecting a life partner. This selection has the fundamental potential of determining our success and prosperity in life, or our misery and misfortune. In other words, our marriage can break or break us. Now I describe marriage as two unique individuals who come together to complement each other, to individuals who guide each other and encourage one another to get closer to their maker who grow together in God consciousness, and the fear of offending him to unique individuals who help and support each other in developing emotionally, intellectually, socially, and in the service to humanity, who fulfill each other's needs, wants and fantasies, who

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are governments for one another, who protect each other's dignity and look out for each other's best interests, whom you feel completely emotionally and physically safe around. Together, you build a nurturing, loving and safe home, and a climate and culture where each of you thrives and achieves your greatest calling. You are together and you're in a climate where there are no secrets, you hide nothing from one another. You're an open book, you are each other's confidence, you get to know each other better than anyone else in the world. You can be your true self around your partner. Marriage is about give and take of mutual fulfillment and mutual satisfaction. Marriage is living with your

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companion, your buddy, your mate, your best friend, and your lover. You get to grow old with this person and go on a lifelong adventure of self discovery and personal evolution. The one who saw you fall in love with, with whom the steady burning embers of true love remain constant, long after the fire of passion has died down. Whenever you look at each other, you feel contentment in your heart. Why? Because you will know that you are with the one that Allah created just for you. Now, as I was describing what, in my opinion marriages, how many of you were thinking, I don't know what she's talking about how many levels? How many of you never witnessed that. Now Alhamdulillah I was

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privileged to witness it in my parents for 50 years of their marriage until Allah called my mother home first Alhamdulillah This is what my husband and I have been able to nurture and build over the past 29 years. I know when I was describing marriage, some of you were thinking are not in our home. In fact, all we have is fights. There's disrespecting this shouting, this putting down. I feel trapped. I feel broken. I'm abused, either emotionally, physically, psychologically, economically or sexually abused. There is contempt there is disgust. You feel betrayed, you feel disappointment, you find that you're just managing your spouse, you're literally like roommates. In my relationship.

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This may be manipulation, games and politics a struggle for power.

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In some relationships, people will say, Oh no, actually in my house, this show of

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economic superiority, spiritual or intellectual superiority. It could be anything the list goes on. The big question I always ask is why? If Allah has described marriage with words like love and mercy, and were meant to dwell in tranquility, with one another lounging peace, happiness and contentment, and no way did he say marriage is about managing one another, about disrespect, about self sacrifice about oppression when even in Islam oppression is worse than slaughter. So why is it so hard? Why are so many marriages not working? compared to those that are? Why are some couples able to give 110% of their relief into their relationship? They're committed 110% compared to those

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who are not, why does love and mercy exist in some marriages and not in others? And how did things get so bad? Now what I find so interesting

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thing is how we make and how we take our other religious rituals more serious than our marriage, our prayers, our fasting, the sadaqa, the non obligatory visiting the sick, being good to our neighbors, the Sunnah, and the hijabi. Look, the memorization of the quarter, and then our Phil zeker. All those are good. They are absolutely wonderful. However, when fulfilling our obligations to our spouse constitutes half of our body. Imagine combining all those other things I've mentioned, the obligatory and the non obligatory, fulfilling our obligations to our spouse is actually what fulfills half of our faith. All the other x put together only constitute half. Whereas this one act

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of fulfilling obligations to our spouse constitutes the other half. Isn't that where we should be putting so much energy into researching and making sure we cross our T's and dot our eyes, and we do all the details? When we pray we try to pray the right way. When we recite we want to recite perfectly. But why is it we behave so badly in marriage? This is where we need to refocus and recalibrate the way we view marriage. And guess what? If we start by fulfilling our obligations to our spouse, what gives us half full complete of our ibadah it's an added bonus what happens? It brings true happiness to the relationship and peace of mind. The sad thing is there are so many who

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don't even know their rights and obligations. They don't know that Allah is gonna ask them. No money in the world can give you that peace of mind and true happiness that you get from a peaceful home. There is nothing like having peace of mind. And a good marriage can give you that and even so much more. Because fulfilling your obligations is actually the foundation to a peaceful home. Yes. And a Happy spouse who will most likely be very eager to satisfy all your needs, your wants and your fantasies. obligations in marriage include a Hello relationship. Yes, your spouse owes you a love relationship and you owe your spouse that and by fulfilling each other's intimacy needs, it will

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most likely bring down the rate of infidelity that we see that's on the rise today, committed by both spouses, which will also bring down the rate of sexual frustration in relationship for both spouses, which will insha Allah reduce the rate of spouses turning to pornography and masturbation, which is disturbingly on the rise, especially amongst women.

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Another obligation that we owe our spouse is love, respect and kindness. Yes, each one of us also our spouse that any normal human being, yes, any normal human being who receives love, respect and kindness will most likely respond in kind. The Prophet sallallahu alayhi wa sallam said that the heart has been created in a way that it loves those who show kindness towards it, and dislike those who cause it pain. He also said indeed, among the believers with the most complete faith is the one who is best in conduct and the most kind to his family. So instead of us having these quotes on the tips of our tongues, we should translate the narration into action. When I think about and I do a

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lot of marriage counseling, how badly many of us are behaving today in marriages, I worry about what we're going to go and see before Allah, what happened to the love and mercy that he said he has placed in our hearts. I often say, there is no miracle lecture that will fix your marriage. There is no do our first or prayer that will fix a marriage. If you do not tie your camel first. If you don't do the right thing, if you don't change what lies within you. If you start to look in the mirror and ask yourself some key questions, it might actually turn things around. Ask yourself, what am I doing? What am I not doing? What else could I start? This was the turning point for my husband and

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I, our marriage had reached rock bottom. But the moment I started to do that introspect and ask for feedback, it turned things around, and I'll share that with you very soon. But like I said, if we could only start by fulfilling our obligations, which is in black and white, just go on Google. I don't have much time, so I won't go through it all, but just go and Google it. What are your rights and what are your obligations to your spouse? Like I said, that is the foundation for a happy home.

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I was asked to talk about the secrets of marital success living with dignity.

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and love. What I just described to you is the St. Louis state of a lot of marriages today. Now let me share with you the best practices that my husband's to eat and I have shared for the past 29 years Alhamdulillah and what has made our, our marriage a success by Allah as well. Now what I'm going to share with you is not a one size fits all, nobody can give you that because every marriage is different, every marriage is unique. These are just suggestions of tried and tested methods that we have used and we have shared with others and Alhamdulillah the feedback is very positive. Now this is for those you watching today. This is for those who are ready, truly ready to make their

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marriages work, who are ready to make some sacrifices, yes, you're gonna have to give a little and make some changes and to commit 110% to the process. regardless of if you are yet to be married. Or if you've been married for 50 years. The first step is Know Your Rights and know your obligations. Why? Because you will have to fulfill them. And if you don't, you're gonna have to answer to Allah for it. Ignorance is not an excuse. If you're yet to be married. Here are just a few words of advice that I'd like to give you. Don't waste your time, your money, your energy on trying to come up with this perfect image of a perfect wedding, the bling bling, no go. Don't go for the superficial over

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the substance. Don't go for traditions and cultural norms that make marriages difficult for your spouse to be. It goes against what Allah wants us to do. But when it comes to spouse selection, I'd like you to pull your brakes and be very careful. tread carefully and do your homework. Investigate the person you want to marry thoroughly. And then talk to a lot of people who've been married sensible people and ask them what are their practice best practices? What are the things they wish they had known before they got married. And make sure you talk and talk a lot with your spouse to be make sure you're both on the same page so that there are no surprises. So talk, then a word of

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caution. You're going to be so head over heels in love. But my advice is don't take no warning signs. I believe it's Allah sending you a warning to pull your brakes. Do not ever ignore warning sites. Don't give in to pressure. And make sure you caught the Holloway I caught it the old fashioned way My father always made sure my husband and I, my fiance and I, we sat in the living room, a thoroughfare people would just come in busy bodies walking through, and they could hear the conversations we were having. Because he wanted me Don't ever allow shaytan to be the third in the room. So no testing before you get married, no tasting, no touching to know how it feels. It is

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never too late to quit. No matter how deep even if a wedding date has been set the invitations has gone out. If Allah shows you warning signs and there's anything in your heart that you're not comfortable with. Then make sure you hold on intensify your is the Hara from the onset again, you can Google that how do you do istikhara you want Allah to guide you in your selection. You want Allah to put his stamp of approval in your selection. And may Allah grant you the ability to select the right spouse, but don't ever give in to pressure. Don't let anyone tell you either. That they lived happily ever after belongs in fairytale some people whose marriages didn't work out, or are

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miserable in their marriages today will tell you that's just a fantasy. That's just a dream. It belongs in movies in Bollywood or Hollywood in novels. Don't fall for that you'll be setting yourself self up for failure.

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Now, it's just that you have to create your own story with your spouse. Yes, you both have to fill in the pages of the story every single day, consciously, deliberately, but most importantly, together. Now, if you are newly wedded and you are watching this program today, you will most likely go through or you've already gone through marriage shock. Yes, that euphoric stage won't last and probably you've realized that by now to know those sweet nothings that they were whispering in your ear. The masks come off and you get to see their true colors. Insha Allah hopefully, you were both sincere during courtship and they were no surprises. But you have to always remember you are two

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totally different unique individuals different beings. And it will take some time to adjust and synergize for my husband and I it took us about five to six years. And this is where you need a lot of patience. However, that patience, it's patience to see the results of your hard work that both of you are putting in. It should never be one sided. Never forget

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A true relationship is about both equally working at it right, both equally putting in and inshallah you both equally get out of it. In many homes today sadly you find one partner doing all the work one partner putting in all the effort when the kids come, they practically raising the kids almost like a single parent, a successful marriage is about both parties equally committed to the success of the Union, both parties equally contributing equally, giving an inshallah equally taking both parties equally committed to the success of one another, a success of one another, both parties equally committed and on the same page when it comes to nurturing a healthy family. So it's about

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give and take both equally putting, and insha. Allah both getting out. It's about mutual fulfillment. Now, everything I am saying applies not only to those yet to get married, but to those newlyweds, and those who are married. So it doesn't matter how many how many years you've been married, this applies to everyone. It's about mutual, give and take, who doesn't want something beautiful and fulfilling in their relationship. And if your marriage is great, who doesn't want it to be even better? Now, early on, if you're newlyweds set marriage goals. If you didn't go sorry, if you didn't do it before today, then Today's a good day to sit down and start discussing and come up

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with one what is the big picture of your marriage, it always helps to have that target what you are aspiring for, you know what you're working towards. So keep your eyes on the target both of you identify also the things that you witnessed growing up that you resented and didn't like, and make sure you do not replicate it in your home. Sometimes our parents get it wrong. I say this a lot. If you are married with children, it's important to ask yourself some key questions. Are we replicating what we saw in our homes that we detested growing up on our spouse or on our children? And another question to ask is, are you okay with your children replicating what they are seeing in both of you

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right now? Because you cannot tell children what marriage is meant to look like? You can only show them they learn based on what they see. So if the answer is no, you don't want them replicating what they're seeing today, then you have to fix it. Why? Because we are passing on the baton. And our children's relationships are even meant to be better than ours. And we're going to have to answer to allow for it. If they cannot do or give what they didn't see, then you can't blame them. You have to blame yourself, you have to always make sure you get it right, so that they do what they see. Again, we're going to have to answer to Allah. Next, it's important to establish certain cultures. Don't

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let anyone impose their traditions into your marriage because your marriage is unique. So create your own unique marriage culture, and set boundaries, protect one another from your relations. They can destroy your marriage, yes, in laws can destroy the marriage. I remember my husband said he told his family that it was his name that was called during the nikka. And nobody had any right to tell me what to do. Nobody could just walk into our house with unannounced and say or do as they please he made sure they understood that there is a boundary, you don't cross this, you go through me. You don't just tell my wife what to do. And I had to do the same. Again, if you are already married and

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you didn't set boundaries, you have to find a way to tactfully tactfully fix this why because in in those destroying homes today, and amongst the obligations we all want another is to be protected like a shield for one another, including protecting our spouses from our relations. Another right and obligation we have is we do not admit into the home someone that our spouse dislikes. And this applies to both of you. So this is about our relationship with Allah, not with our family, not with our friends. And we will answer to Allah We will definitely answer to Allah if we do not shield or protect our spouse, from our friends and our loved ones. Now I'm sorry, I know what I'm saying is

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not pleasant. A lot of people are feeling uncomfortable trying to imagine how am I going to cut off that relationship? If it's not healthy if my spouse isn't happy with that? Yes, rocking the boat is difficult and change is not easy. But I just have to say Why? Why are we here? Otherwise, if your spouse is subjected to torture and misery by your loved ones, what is this relationship about? It's not about them. It's about you. It's about peace and tranquility.

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in your home.

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The trouble is many one things to get better but don't want to do the dirty work. This is the kind of dirty work work if you want to see change, like I said, there is no miracle lecture or potion you can take that will fix your marriage if it's on the rocks, or if your spouse is unhappy, why are you married to each other, if you're not ready to make each other happy, you have to take charge, and you just have to do it. It's hard. It's unpleasant, it can be painful. But if they are not ready to support you, they are not ready to be supportive for the success of your marriage. They're not understanding that I'm sorry to say they're not good for you. If they do not wish you well and

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happiness for your marriage, then are they really worth it? You just have to sometimes cut those ropes, sadly, and you will find much more happiness and much more peace. So if you want change, now is the time there is no better time than today. And we continue to make to our even during the month of Ramadan for Allah to grant us wisdom. And I asked you to do that right now. Whatever is rocking the boat in your relationship. ask Allah for wisdom in how to handle it with tact with dignity, and make it easy for you. Now let us take a short break inshallah. And when we return, I will continue to share with you what I believe is a great formula for a successful marriage. And I will go into

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more details on how to solidify your relationship and more insha Allah, like I said before, feel free to leave your comments in the chat boxes and send your questions in because we will be doing q&a at the end of the second half inshallah, join me for that episode as salaam alaikum