Channel: Maryam Lemu
Series: Maryam Lemu - Half of Faith
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Assalamu alaikum My name is Leon takelma. With me here is my wife.
welcome back to this episode in the last episode, we talked about challenges to do with intimacy.
And what needs to be done to make sure husbands not only worry about satisfying themselves, but to make sure that their partners, their wives are also satisfied. And we talked about communication being very important in discussing what pleases your spouse, and to make sure you do your best to meet their needs. As long as as we said, you do not go into areas of haram that or areas have been forbidden. So I'd like to move over to Maria on this to hear what she wants to say about this. I think also with regard to intimacy, this thing about being fit, making sure you look attractive for your spouse so that at least you're appealing, but at the same time that you are actually healthy.
So this applies to both. And it's not one sided. Often, if a woman gains weight, especially after a couple of children, there's a lot more pressure on her to try and trim. But don't trim just to look sexy for your spouse, even though that is important. You do need to be very conscious of your weight, because it isn't healthy. It has long term effects. And especially by the time you hit 40. If you have not treated your body, well, you start to feel the side effects of that lack of care. And then you have to now find remedies, which is the unfortunate thing, you have to start taking things to fix the damage that has been done. But I know like my husband, he talks a lot about this
issue to do with fitness and how important it is also, when it comes to intimacy and being able to sustain yourself during intercourse. Absolutely. Fitness plays a big role scientifically, it's been proven that, again, to be very adult here. It takes a man on average two minutes to climax. When they have an intimate relationship with their wives. It takes women an average of eight minutes. Now, seriously speaking, brothers, you need to be fit. You need to be fit not just because of that you need to be fit because it's important that your heart works properly, that you don't have too much fat in your stomach. There was a time I was a bit heavy. And we were in Abuja for an event. And
my wife was trying to find a delicate way to tell me that I was overweight.
That day was her brother and my brother, you have to tell this I mean to Tacoma and I don't know what one thing led to another. And my wife said, you know, his stomach is like his GPS, wherever it goes. That's where he goes. I was I was speechless. I sat there dumbfounded. I didn't know what to say. But you know, I got the message. I needed to be fit. So we started working out we play tennis together. We go on walks together. I think on average, every morning we try to go out even right now we have to Shobu we go minimum three kilometers walk every morning. The longest we go is about 4.5 kilometers. And we do it between 30 minutes and 45 to 50 minutes. So and this is and it's a very
fast it's very fast paced, leisurely walk. And the objective is to help improve our cardio, heart our lungs, and to also muscle toning and strength because we play tennis but because of COVID-19 we not we don't go out to the tennis courts to play but Maryam and I play tennis and she's a pretty mean tennis player. So
you know I taught her things and I regretted teaching them giving me a hard time on the tennis court. But I just want brothers to not be constantly on the couch sitting down if you have the means walk around the road the street take your wife with you You can stroll if you're alone you can do soccer if you can download an app download an app you can exercise at home, you can do you can listen to the Quran and translation if you go out. There are many things you can do but just be fit be healthy. Yeah, for for the sake of longevity for not having problems in later years, and for being able to sustain a relationship a healthy, satisfactory and satisfying relationship with you.
spouse, and the mind says something about health. I recognized one thing, our wives gain weight because of pregnancy. We cannot penalize women for gaining weight because they've born as children, they gave us children, they go through that the body changes, the body chemistry changes, the diet changes. So any man whose wife has gained weight from having a child, please be compassionate, be kind be understanding. You want her to lose weight and be attractive. Again, it's not about just being attractive. It's now about being healthy, like Miriam said, and I want to emphasize, it's about being healthy. join her in doing the exercise. It's not easy to exercise alone. And that's why
we make an effort to do it together. It's painful, it's uncomfortable. But you know, there are benefits to it. Yeah, I think another thing is, I think it's important we talk about is one of the comments that came from someone that they said they wanted us to discuss, is this issue to do with secrecy? Yes, in marriage. And I always share that my husband and I have no secrets. In this marriage, we live a very open relationship, we have no passwords, and I promise you, if your spouse has to keep you out of something, because by putting a password, then you need to check yourself and check your spouse. Because the true relationship should be very transparent. There should be trust,
mutual trust, so our phones are left lying around because we have nothing to hide from one another. I tell people if they don't want to say to know, don't tell me, because I always go home and I download whatever it is, I've gone through during the day or that I've been told. So it's so important to develop a culture of being truthful, being open being transparent and not having secrets. Another area especially we women are guilty of is keeping secrets from our spouse to do with our children.
Our child misbehaves or does something wrong, or the school calls and reports that our child did something and we hide it from our spouse. later on. When it comes back, it comes out it backfires. It takes both of you to raise a child and especially issues to do with discipline, when you have a child that's going off, and is doing something that they need to have both parents involved in fixing, do not keep that from your, from your from your spouse. Then finally, I think we just need to wrap up this wonderful series. I hope you've enjoyed it. But I just want to emphasize what Sid and I have built over the past 28 years didn't happen overnight. It was a rough, rough beginning.
And I believe Allah gave us that rough beginning. So we can really appreciate this thing we have built. Our marriage has become a thriving garden where we nurture it, we both put in nutrients, sunlight, water, and are reaping the fruits of our hard work. It doesn't mean our marriage is perfect. We're a work in progress, especially me know, especially me Actually, I'm a problem. And I'm constantly trying to upgrade and improve and make the best version of myself. So he will fall in love with me over and over again. So I'm conscious that he is putting something in his conscious that I'm making an effort. And together we are having something that we know Alhamdulillah Allah has
blessed and we are content with what we have. As again, I see what doesn't mean we don't fight. But we fight without fighting. We found various ways when we continue to find various ways to fix our problem. If you're going to fight, the best advice I will give is fight to make your marriage work. Because once you get it right, it's the most beautiful thing. If you quarrel with your spouse, if you fight with your spouse, if you have heartache if you have neglected issues that haven't been addressed, and go out your mind will never be at ease. So having that wonderful place to come back to your home. The solace where you know you meet your best friend, your lover your confidence the
person you know who knows you better than anybody else in the world, whom you can laugh with whom you can build a story where your children your grandchildren will hear about the beautiful relationship they had and be beautiful models that others would want to emulate, especially your children. I just want to add when Marian talked about not having secrets.
Maria knows my pin.
She easily anytime she wants, she can find out how much I have how much I don't have. I also happen to know her pin. But here's the interesting thing. Neither one of us would ever check the other person's balance.
We don't do that even though we have the feeling we have access to each other's homes. And when she talked about someone who would make you laugh
as a couple we're still
Trying to surprise each other with new things with, you know, funny things we, the two of us could roll could laugh till we have to just the two of, you know, we, we we have the most fun, we laugh a lot, we tell the weirdest jokes.
But But the thing is, we recognize how important laughter is. And when we do get upset with each other, I realize we do that when we feel the other person is not doing the best they can to be the best that they can be of themselves. So that's when when we get upset with one another, but it's not on the middle issue is not coming back on time, not calling, not saying I love you. And so on. This last week, this woman reported me to my sister, that I was being too much of a problem. And my sister said, What's the problem? And she told my sister, he knows me too much. I'm like, my sister is a major circuit. Why don't you just judge this thing? Why would your judgment be? As she said,
she has no case as a thank you very much. You know, so we you can have this you can work towards this. One of the things Maryam always says when she gives her lectures is that we got marriage, jealously. And that is true. And you have to guard your marriage, jealously. And our prayer is as happy and blessed as we are in this lifetime. Prayer is we find each other again in gender, and continue where we left off. inshallah, this is something that's attainable for all of you. You can work towards this. It's not like marriage marriage, you're like in this union in this partnership in this collective where each person is looking out for the other person's best interest. And each
person wants to push the other person to be the best version of themselves, and to be as successful as they can possibly be. And that is what we want to leave you with on this issue. This last item is on on parenting. We touched on that people have questions about that. And I just want to say very quickly. Parenting starts before you have the children.
you discuss parenting before children and the question you should ask yourself, why do you want to have children? Whenever people come to have premarital counseling? We asked them that. Why do you want to have children?
I believe in all humility, it is once you understand that you are here to make the world better that you met it. You want to have children to continue in your footsteps in whatever manner Allah shows them. So they also work towards leaving the world better than they met him because they grew up watching their parents trying to make the world a better place. So you become Secretary jariya for your parents, and your children become a jariya for you. And that is why it is so important to raise children correctly, no secrets. You do it as a team, you're Allah first you teach them that and you make them respect humanity, and to just want to commit and dedicate as much as they can towards
developing that humanity.
Well, thank you so much for joining us on this journey. We hope it was of benefit in any way. We pray. It helps you strengthen your marriage, we pray it helps you fight to make your marriage work. Sadly, sometimes, in spite of all your efforts, things don't work out. Please remember not to drag your children into the battlefield, to make them your psychiatrist, your lawyers, don't make them take sides. You're going to cause irreparable damage which we have seen happen today. So please for the sake of Allah, if you're going to part part, amicably part with dignity, martyrs friends, because it's better you separate that way than to allow the relationship to get toxic. And inshallah
Allah will grant you the right person who will fulfill all your needs and fantasies. But I have had the most wonderful time and I'm so glad that he has followed me on this journey, and we hope it's of benefit to you and May Allah bless you so much for watching us just akmola hieron and salaam aleikum from me and so
Africa to welcome to the couple's game, you have one second to answer and you must answer at the same time. Okay, are you ready? Yes. All right. The first question Who is the most fun in the marriage? She is
who makes the food in the marriage
for both of us,
who is a better cook? She is.
Who is the most talented in the marriage? I'll give it to her.
Who is the most adventurous in the marriage?
Both of us?
Who is the kids best friend?
Who's the better listener?
Who gets angry the most?
Is the first to apologize.
I'm the first Who is the most romantic in the relationship? I am.
Who is the baby in the marriage? I am.
Who is the most soft hearted in the march shares?
Now this is tricky. You have 30 seconds to do a roleplay you act your husband and he had you just any conversation 30 to one minute. Maryam I'm very sorry. I have hurt you. I realize emotionally I have taken something away from you. And I sincerely apologize. And it's something I promise you I'll never do again. I'm sorry. My
apology is not sincere.
Thank you very much for coming.